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you should make some more because it really is good book.
Author's Response: Hm, I'll think about it, but for now this fic is abandoned. Thanks for the review. :)
great! plz update soon
Author's Response: Glad you liked it. :)
Um, update will take time because I'm, unfortunately, suffering from writer's block. :( Let's just hope it goes away soon so that I can whip up the next chapter and update this.
Thanks for the review. :)
- Afifa
haha... i love it... hmm i always wondered wats with the name Snivellus... and i nvr fully understood why Severus was given tat nick name till now.... I find it cute that james n sirius already have started their mischievious so fast.... i really cant wait for the next chapter... where im sure the sorting ceremony would take place... plz update soon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Author's Response: Lol, yeah. The Sirius/James/Snivellus was mostly inspired by the passages in DH.
Um, I'm having my AS Level exams so update within this month would be difficult, let's see though... We'll see about the Sorting once it gets updated, hm? :D
Thanks for all the reviews. :D
i liked this chapter tooo... especially the part where james said he wanted a dragon, i laughed out loud.... i see that peter has met severus already likewise with james n remus.... cant wait for the next one....
Author's Response: Lol. Yeah, I had to put in some funny bits here and there. He's James, after all. :D
Thanks, once again, for the review. :)
once again... i love tis chapter too... it showed how they received the letter and stuff... i do feel bad for sirius n remus... :(....cant wait to see wat happens in Diagon alley!
Author's Response: Aw, yeah. Poor Remus and Sirius. *hugs them*
Thanks for another review. :)
i reallly love it... i think its brilliant beginning!!!!! cant wait to read the next chapter...
Author's Response: Oops. Double click. Thanks again. :)
i reallly love it... i think its brilliant beginning!!!!! cant wait to read the next chapter...
Author's Response: Thank you for the praises. :D Though I'm sorry to say that the next chapter will take some time, around a month maybe. Blame exams. But I'll try and see if I can do something before that. :)
Thanks for leaving a review. :)
That was really cute! It would be cool if you did something like this with the trio. I kept thinking it was them. But it was still really good.
Author's Response: Hm, I could do that but I don't write the trio. >.> Sorry. But, I'm glad you liked it. :)
Thanks for the review. :D
Hello SPEW buddy! Now, I know you’ve got a lot of reviews on this story, but seeing as I’ve beta-ed at least two of your fics, I figured you wouldn’t mind one more. Haha. :D
First, I really just have to comment on the summary. I really like the structure and the countdown; its unique and fitting to you fic, and it immediately solidified my decision to review this particular story. It really draws the reader in, so good job on that. :D
Now the story itself. I really think you’ve done a great job with this first chapter. You’ve introduced all the character’s births in a unique and fitting way, and I really like that. You show the different dynamics and relationships of each family, and it really works. I think you show a good understanding of what we know from each canon character, but you have also made each family your own in a way that still fits with JKR’s information. The set-up was well done and the contrasts made it a great read.
However, I do have to say that this chapter appeared to do a lot more telling than showing. I did love the relationships you showed between the mothers and fathers, wives and husbands, but I also couldn’t connect as well as I might have if you had shown rather than told. I would have liked to see more dialogue, I think, and more actions. What you spelled out for the reader could have been told just as easily through the subtle manner of showing.
Nitpicks:
When he saw that both were fine, he said a few words to his spouse and left for work for he was a busy man.
The last part of the sentence sounds awkward; I think there is too much use of the word ‘for’ so close together. You might consider re-wording it. I did, however, really like the characterization this painted for Orion.
She had performed a spell on the baby so that he was in a deep sleep and did not mind the ashes or the weird feeling of traveling using Floo Powder at all.
The structure of this sentence is odd, too, and I think the reason is the end as well. The use of two action verbs right next to each other ‘traveling using’ sort of disrupts the flow, in my opinion.
She closely examined it muttering to herself whilst she did so.
There should be a comma before ‘muttering.’
Walburga had decided that her first son’s name should be Sirius because no one from the previous generation had been named Sirius and it had been a sort of a tradition in the Black family to have at least one person in each generation who would be called Sirius.
First, this sentence is a run-on and could probably be tweaked and fiddled with to make it two less over-whelming sentences. Also, it sort of contradicts itself because first it says that no one in the previous generation had been named Sirius, but that it was a tradition to have at least one person in each generation called Sirius. Now I know you sort of explained that in the next few sentences, but I still think this just doesn’t sound right.
She had dark red hair and bright green eyes, which reminded Petunia of her mother’s ring which had a bright green gem on it. “What was it called?” Petunia thought and then it struck her, “Emerald.” Lily was not at all like Petunia who was thin, blonde and had a long neck and a face, which was rather like a horse’s.
Hm. I like what you were going for here, showing the differences between the two girls. However, at only three years of age I don’t think Petunia would look as she does when she’s an adult. Her neck and face would probably be a little long, but nothing like what we know it to be as an adult. Further, Lily’s eyes, as a newborn baby, would not be green, certainly not emerald green.
The first time when she got pregnant, she had had a terrible accident, which had resulted in a miscarriage.
The word ‘when’ in the first part of this sentence should be taken out. I do like the background this sentence gives the Lupin family, though, and the sort of feeling that we now have of the family and of Remus’ birth.
She had then been a living dead. She had almost committed suicide when the Healer had said that there were very less chances of her being able to conceive again.
‘She had been a living dead’ doesn’t really work at all, and I was a little confused when I first read it. I think if you changed ‘a’ to ‘like the’ it might work better, but I’m still not really a fan of that sentence. In the second sentence, ‘there were very less chances’ is not correct; ‘less’ should be ‘slim.’
Obviously he was very excited about him finally being a father.
If you take out ‘him,’ it will sound better.
Delivering a baby especially the first one is not a joke and also the fact mattered that she was not exactly young at 35, was she?
There should be commas surrounding ‘especially the first one.’ Also, I think this is a run-on as well and could be broken into two sentences, perhaps at ‘the fact of the matter’ (also, the phrase is what I just put and not ‘the fact mattered’).
“Okay. Well, I’ll be going now. I have my own children to look after,” she smiled and then continued, “Bye and take care!” and after giving the baby in his mother’s arms, the visitor left the house.
This, two, could be broken up into shorter sentences. The first bit of dialogue could end in a period, and the ‘she’ would then need to be capitalized. A third sentence could begin with ‘after giving’ and you’d simply take out the ‘and.’
He was not skinny like usually babies are, but was chubby.
‘Like usually’ doesn’t sound write to me; I think it should be ‘like babies usually are.’ On that note, though, most babies are rather chubby, and they’re actually supposed to be chubby, so it would actually be unusual for him to be skinny.
Although Mrs Pettigrew had thought about ‘Harold’, naming the child after her dead father but her husband had flatly refused.
A comma should be after ‘father,’ and the comma after ‘Harold’ should actually be inside the quotation marks. Also, the ‘but’ is not needed.
Whatever he said, was law.
The comma should not be there.
She went downstairs leaving the sleeping baby behind.
Comma needed after ‘downstairs.’
Also, there were several instances that I didn’t post that I thought the word ‘which’ was over used. Sometimes the word ‘that’ is better fitting, and I just wanted to point that out so that if you ever edit this fic, or when you’re writing in future, you could keep that in mind.
On the whole, I think you have set up a great story with this first chapter. The reader knows, even without having red HP, that all these characters will somehow be connected later, despite the fact that there doesn’t seem to be a connection now. That comes from the set-up of this chapter, and as I said, that was a great decision on your part and a good way to open up. My advice is to simply remember that things can be shown and not told. You do have a very distinct writing style, though, that works well with JKR’s world. I’m only suggesting that, while holding onto that style, you tweak it just a bit to allow more connection from your readers to the characters.
[hugs]
xox
nikki :D
Author's Response: Nikki! =D What a fantastic review!
The summary was actually a spur of the moment idea... lol. I'm glad that it worked and caught your attention, and also that you liked this chapter. =]
I know what you mean about the showing and not telling thing. I'm getting that a lot lately. >.> Lol. Though I mean to think that I've improved a bit since this chapter was written two years back before I had any access to the forum and before I had read other fics. It's not even beta'd because of the same reason. Lol. So, thank you for pointing out the errors and for the suggestions. I've edited them in.
I'll try my best to work on with my writing style. Thank you for the lovely review! =] *hugs*
- Afifa
Afifa—
I think this is an interesting way to start a Marauder Era fic; so often I see them starting on the train ride — usually right before 7th Year. This pattern gets a tad predictable after a while. A beginning like this really makes it seem lke their past is going to play a large role in the story, and I really enjoy that.
Showing their pasts and their families are really good ways to sort of hint at why they turned out the way they did. I especially liked seeing Sirius's family; it seems like a really realistic reason for Sirius to develop as a rebel.
I think my favourite part is the strong contrast between the origins of the five characters. I think it was a great device to use. From the happiness of Lily's birth to the indifference of Sirius's, it really shows.
Then she applied mascara on her beautiful long eyelashes. She applied black eye make up, which literally made her eyes look black. But she looked beautiful all the same. Then she turned the long deserved attention towards the infant and she actually smiled.
She was quite adorable. Very beautiful, just like an angel.
The vast majority of the time I truly loved you writing. But some sentences I felt a little jarred, as if something wasn't quite right. For example:
And so, to celebrate and share their happiness with everyone, they had called a few friends and neighbours over. There was no one in their family accept a cousin of Mr. Lupin, and he also lived abroad. So basically they did not have anyone in the family to invite and share their joy with.
The last sentence, to me, seems a bit out of place. It's a clarifying sentence that doesn't seem necessary, and felt like it was interrupting my reading. There were a couple other obvious statements like that, and I felt like they really didn't fit. I think your writing would be more polished without them.
But all in all I really loved it — it was such an interesting way to start a fic like this! :]
~Alison
Author's Response:Yeah, I know. I wanted something different so I ended up with everything right from their birth. But at times I wish to just skip to the seventh year. Lol.
Thanks for the suggestions. I'll surely work on them. =]
I'm glad that you liked my story so far. Thanks for the review, SPEW Buddy! =p
Here I am, Fiffy love :)))) This story is going great so far, and I love the way you make all their experiences/parts all seperate, and yet in the same chapter. Good work! Keep it up, 'Puff =))))
Lurve and huggles,
Monnical.
Author's Response: Aw... thanks a lot, hun! =] I'm glad that you liked it.
I really like this story!How many chapters are planned?
~Southern belles follow the son~
Author's Response:Aw... thanks, dear. =]
Well, since the whole fic is starting with scratch... the Marauders and Lily being born and all, you might have guessed that there are seven more years to go. So this fic is going to be really VERY long. I guess approximately fifty chapters. But there may be even more. ;]
Hey Afifa! I'm back again. :)
It took him a full one minute to remove it, and after all that rubbing, his cheek became pinkish, but he decided to ignore it.
I have a slight qualm with this bit. How would Sirius know that the mark was gone and his cheek was just pink? He can't see his cheek, can he? Is he looking in a shop window at his reflection or is he just guessing?
Remus stared around.
This sentance is a bit awkward. I suggest saying something along the line of, "Remus stared all around him." to give the reader a sense of the space.
“Well … books, a cauldron, robes, parchments …” Mrs. Potter started but was interrupted by her husband as he said, “And a little of this and a little of that.”
When a different person speaks, there should be a sperate paragraph. Try something like:
"'Well... books, a cauldron, robes, parchments...' started Mrs. Potter.
'And a little of this and a little of that,' interrupted her husband."
Very soon, both mother and son had Disapparated from Diagon Alley to return home.
This sentance is a little misleading. It kind of sounds like Peter and his mum are Disapparating seperately, which would mean that Peter can Apparate, which is impossible (well, illeagal...I suppose that it's possible...). I think that you should change the wording around a bit so that it sounds more like Peter and him mum are using Side-Long Apparation.
That's it for nitpicks! Hey! That kind of rhymes! lol.
The old hag actually brought her dirty lips, on which she had applied blood red lipstick, to his cheek and did what his mother had, as far as he could remember, never done: Agatha Muriel Gutson actually kissed Sirius Orion Black on his cheek! And what was more? She left a ‘souvenir’ behind in the ruddy red, lip-shaped mark on his handsome face.
ahahaha. I burst out laughing when I read this line. haha.
Diagon Alley was weird, but at the same time, it was really cool!
LOL! I love the way eleven-year-olds describe things. :)
“Well, my name is Nikki Sen, and this will be my first year at Hogwarts,” the girl introduced herself as she extended her hand.
Yay! New character! :) She must be the chatterbox from your summary. It must have been a relief to finally have an OC to write about. ;) I can't wait to see how she fits in with the Marauders and Lily.
He ended up with a selection of four new books, which he was sure he would be able to complete in the one month left before he went to Hogwarts.
haha. This reminded me so much of myself. Well, myself when I had the time to sit down and read. :) I used to come home from the library with a stack of books half as tall as I was! And of course, I'd read them all before they were due. *sigh* If only I had the much time to read now. Then again, I'd probably have more time if I didn't spend so much time on MNFF and the forums... lol.
They started walking towards Ollivanders when James asked, “Other things?”
heeheehee. This made me giggle.
The boy had a shock of brown hair and matching eyes.
Could this possibly be Remus??
“A dragon,” James replied instantly, smiling broadly as he saw his father wink at him from behind his wife.
Boys. *shakes head*
“Finally all the things have been bought!” Mrs. Potter cried in a relieved voice, wiping her forehead with her handkerchief.
I thought mothers were supposed to enjoy shopping. lol. Actually, I love that you made her not enjoy it. I hate that sterotype. >.<
“Right, so where is the list?” Mrs. Pettigrew asked him.
“Umm … I don’t know,” Peter replied worriedly.
I really like this exchange. I don't know why though. It just seemed to speak volumes to me. You can really tell a lot about both Peter and him mum's characters from it. And it seems very natural and like a normal occurance.
I like how you had the first sheet of the letter, the introductory bit, in Lily's section and then the supplies list in Peter's. It made them all getting their letters at the same time and all going shopping at the same time really believable.
“Well, Jennifer, I will be going now. Nice talking with you. Bye!” Mrs. Pettigrew said to the witch.
I really like how you had both Mrs. Black and Mrs. Pettigrew run into people they know at Diagon Alley. It seems like something that would happen a lot, especially considering that it's like the only place in London and surrounding area to shop for wizards' goods.
“Watch where you’re going!” the boy shouted. He had thin, black, greasy hair and a long countenance; he looked pretty disagreeable, as far as Peter was concerned.
heheheh. Snape. heheh.
This was definately my favorite chapter so far. I can't wait for the next one!
Peacin' out.
-Mere
Author's Response:Ah... you're really observant, aren't you? I'll change the mistakes asap. Thanks for pointing them out. =)
Lol. Yeah, I wanted to have something funny, so I decided to put the whole 'kiss' thing. It's a Marauder era fic after all! It has to have something fun. =D
Yeah, OC's are cool, aren't they? You can shape them into whatever you want to. And yeah, she's the chattebox from the summary. You catch on very quick, very good! (Y)
Yeah, I'm experiencing the same thing. MNFF is too addicting. It's bad for health. lol. It's not MNFF's fault anyways. But I still do read books, I take out time by not sleeping. *yawn*
Yeah, the boy with a shock of brown hair and matching eyes is, indeed, Remus. You're the only one who's spotted that. Good job!
I sirius-ly wrote the Mrs. Potter dialogue just like that. I had never characterized her to not be a stereotype. lol. But I guess that's good. =D And, well, women don't have fun shopping for their children's books, do they? ;)
Yeah, about Mrs. Black and Mrs. Pettigrew, I figured that someone should meet someone. I had written a chapter in which Sirius and James meet. Before that I had written one in which James, Sirius and Lily meet. The latter was 10,000 words long! :eek: But it was pretty fun, and I'll definitely be going to use some of it's contents for a later chapter. Any way, I couldn't use it as chapter 3 'cause I wanted a 'DH Spoiler' story, and not a 'DH Disreguarded' one. I didn't use the first version because I didn't like it, so I wrote the third chapter three times! Hence, one of the reasons why it took so long to get it validated.
Yeah, Snape was necessary. I had even thought of adding his 'thing' in the chapter. By 'thing' I mean the whole part in which he shops with his mother, but then, I didn't feel like doing it and left it as it is. lol. Talk about lazy. Plus, it wouldn't have been fun. =p
Thanks for the lovely review, compliments, everything! =D I'll definitely let you know once the fourth chapter is validated (via the Badger Bar =p), and hopefully it'll be even better. Thanks, once again! =)
Good backstory. Now hurry up and right more- nothing make sme day like Marauders playing off each other.
Author's Response: Thanks! =) And I'll try to update often.
Hey Afifa! I finally found the time to read chapter two. :)
Then Mr. Lupin took Remus to his room and tried to talk to him.
Umm. You had this exact same sentance as the last sentance in the paragraph above.
Remus’...
Actually, when something belongs to Remus, you use " 's " instead of " s'." This is because " s' " is used when the possessor is pluar, like girls, the it would be "the girls' class." Since Remus is only one person it's "Remus's letter."
He had very less to eat as compared to what he usually had every day.
The beginning of this sentance does not make any sense. I suggest you say something like, "He ate a lot less compared to what he usually had every day." Or "He had very little to eat compared to what he usually had everyday."
/end of nitpciks.
He was not a true Black. This was Sirius Black.
I like how you have him rebelling at eleven. It makes his running away at fifteen even more believable. I also really like the simplicity of the last sentance. It is short, simple, and concise, but it holds a lot of power.
I also like that you have Sirius and Regulus being friends and caring for each other. It makes sense that when they were younger they would band together as playmates.
Maybe, just maybe, she would even miss him as her eldest son, and not just as someone to abuse. There was no harm in hoping, was there?
Aww. Poor Sirius. I like that he still wants his mother's love even though he disagrees with her on so many accounts. It's very realistic.
Mrs. Black came down with a satisfied smile when she heard the roaring of Sirius’ stomach.
I don't like how complete Mrs. Black's abuse is of Sirius. -wants to hold Sirius and tell him it'll all be okay- But, I like how you showed how complete Mrs. Black's abuse was of him.
Mr. Evans made no secret of the fact that he preferred Lily’s company to Petunia’s, even though the latter was his first-born.
This kind of reminded me of Pride and Prejudice. lol. I think it was because Lily's father perferred her company, and Mr. Bennet perferred Lizzie's company.
Years had passed full of love and fun and happy moments. But, as always, good times always come to an end. And the Lupins were no exception.
Poor Remus. Poor Mrs. Lupin. Poor Mr. Lupin.
I'm really glad that you told how Remus got bitten, instead of just saying something like, "When he was seven, Remus was bitten by a werewolf, and now he's a werewolf."
I really like the characterization of the Lupins. It's obvious that you spent a lot of time figuring out their characters and you did a good job. They react in the ways you except any normal parent stuck in a bad situation to react.
May-be the fact that Mrs. Potter had been a Chaser during her days at Hogwarts had counted for something.
I love the fact that James inherited his Quidditch skills from his mum. That's great! Its NOT a mans world. Go Girls! heehee.
He was very daring and always tasted each and every one of them, even sprouts and earwax.
I like how you show this aspect of James's personality through something as simple as eating candy.
He did not have any Muggle clothing. The Blacks had always thought that they were a cut above the rest. None of them wore Muggle clothes just because they were pure-bloods.
James dashed upstairs and into his room. He quickly changed into Muggle clothes. He was wearing blue jeans and a red shirt.
I love how you show the difference between the two families this way. It's something simple, but it tells a lot.
You really have a knack for picking out those little things that really define who we are and showing them in your writing. Its amazing they way you do it.
And then he spent half the night on bed, pondering, thinking about something or other.
I like how this shows that he isn't some empty-headed fool. It shows that he does think about things and is kinda thoughtful.
I was kinda disappointed in your overall characterization of Peter. I think you fell victim to some of Peter's most common cliches. That he's really stupid and fat and that's all there is to him. I hope that you develop him more and really explore his character.
That just left Hufflepuff. He was dumb and no brave.
What's this, Afifia? Are degrading your own house? Tisk, tisk. Also, I think you want not brave instead of no brave. Just a guess though. :D
Mrs. Pettigrew shrieked with happiness and flew towards her son. “That’s wonderful! We will go to Diagon Alley right away after breakfast. Go and get ready quickly!”
I like that Mrs. Pettigrew and Peter seem to be pretty close and have a good relationship. I am SO glad that you didn't have a cliche of him being ignored by his mother. Yay!
Overall, it was a great chapter. I thought that it was better than the first one. It's still moving kind of slow, but I understand that you are still just introducing all the characters. I really like the way that you had the reception of each child's letter. It gives us a lot of background on the kids' families and we get to see how different the children and their up bringings are.
Great job!
Peace out.
-Mere
Author's Response:Oops! Thanks for pointing out the mistakes. =) I'll change them as soon as possible.
Well, I've always thought of Reg and Sirius being in good terms with each other, especially before Sirius got sorted in Gryffindor.
Lol. I guess I subconciously wrote the whole Lily- Elizabeth part. 'Cause I sirius-ly didn't do it on purpose.
I'm glad that somebody mentioned the whole Remus getting bit part. I've read countless Marauder era stories, but there isn't any in which they've given details of what actually happened. I figured, that as I was giving everything in detail (though there isn't that much of detail or the reader would get bored), I should have at least a paragraph on how Remus was bitten. It is, after all, an important turning point. They became Animagus. The whole PoA plot.
Hehe. Every thing the Potters inherited had to be from their fathers- the looks, hair, everything. So I made James inherit the Quidditch skills from his mother. Evem Samarie (my beta) liked that part. =) I'm glad that you liked it, too. Or noticed at least.
Well, trust me I won't have Peter characterized like that later onwards. In the beginning, it's just like that because he's the only kid in the family, and his father tends to boss him around a lot. But when he'll enter Hogwarts, well, you'll read that later. ;) All I can say is that he won't be the cliche type.
*blushes* I wrote this chapter way before I got sorted into Hufflepuff. Sirius-ly. lol. And well, in the books Hufflepuffs are supposed to be like that so I couldn't help myself. But now that you mentioned it, I'll surely put some scene in which the Puff's will be brave/intelligent and such.
Yeah, I like it better than the first one, but I like the third one even better than this one. And it's slow, I know. It's eating me up, writing everything from scratch. I just want to get to the seventh year already. 'Cause that's when the real stuff happens. But then I keep on reminding myself that there's stuff like- them naming themselves as the 'Marauders', them knowing that Remus is a werewolf, the pranks, Marauder's Map, Animagus, James falling for Lily, and what not.
Anyways, thanks a lot for the review, Mere! You just made my day! =D
Hey Afifa! I finally got around to reading your story. :)
“What was it called?” Petunia thought and then it struck her, “Emerald”.
The period at the end of this sentance should be inside the quotation marks. "...'Emerald.'"
So, that infant who was born on 25th November 1959 was christened ‘Sirius Orion Black’.
This sentance would flow better if there were commas around the unrestricted clause: "...who was born on 25th November 1959..." Also, I suggest saying "... who was born on THE 25th OF November 1959..." So, the sentance would read: "So, that infant, who was born on the 25th of November, was christened 'Sirius Orion Black.'"
...gave her to his eldest daughter Petunia who was thrilled.
'Petunia' is an apostive phrase because it's restating the noun 'his eldest daughter,' therefore, it too, should be in commas. "...gave her to his eldest daughter, Petunia, who was thrilled."
When Mrs. Rosie Lupin saw the baby, she was ecstatic.
You used the word 'ecstatic' three paragraphs up, when describing Petunia. It would be more fun to read if you varied you language a little bit. I advise you to try words like delighted, blissful, thrilled, elated, pleased, exhilarated, euphoric, and overjoyed. And phrases like beside oneself, in seventh heaven, on cloud nine, or in heaven on earth.
This was her first baby, which was alive.
When I first read this sentance, I thought that you meant that she was just happy that her first child was alive. Then I read the rest of the paragraph and realized that you meant it was her first child who was born alive. I think you could make the meaning of this sentance a little clearer by saying something like, "This was her first baby who was born alive."
...family accept a cousin of...
Accept should be except.
She was happy, her husband was happy.
I know what you're trying to do in this sentance, but it only works with three or more things. Either you need to add 'and' in there or add in someone else who is happy too. So, it'd be like: "She was happy, her husband was happy, everyone was happy!"
The occupant of the bed whose black hair was spread on the pillows looked up at her husband whose forehead was lined with worry and gave a quivery smile.
Two more unrestricted clauses that need to be in commas! "The occupent of the bed, whose black hair was spread on the pillows, looked up at her husband, whose forhead was lined with worry, and gave a quivery smile." Hmm. This is a really long and slightly confusing sentance. Maybe breaking it in to two parts would be best. "The occupent of the bed, whose black hair was spread on the pillows, looked up. She saw her husband, his forehead creased with worry lines, and gave a quivering smile."
After a week’s rest, Mrs. Potter continued with her daily tasks. Telling the house elf what to do to name one.
This doesn't flow very well. I'd combine the two sentances together, so it read something along the lines of: "After a week of rest, Mrs. Potter continued with her daily tasks, such as telling the house-elf what to do."
...hazel eyes, the only trait, which was not...
The second comma should be removed, so it says, "...hazel eyes, the only trait which was not..."
...let her thoughts wander only to be interrupted...
Now a comma needs to be here, after wander and before only.
Mrs. Potter also thought of resting and lied down.
You used the wrong conjugation of lay here. It should be 'laid down' instead of 'lied down'.
Okay.I'm done with all my nitpicks now. :D
Mrs. Black went straight to her room, kept the baby in the cot and went to the mirror to inspect her self. She was not up to her usual self and that was sort of surprising for her. She had not been warned that having a baby was going to be the most difficult effort of her life. There was a little bit of soot on her thick black hair (no doubt from travelling using the Floo), which she brushed off. Then she applied mascara on her beautiful long eyelashes. She applied black eye make up, which literally made her eyes look black. But she looked beautiful all the same.
I love this part about Mrs. Black being first concered with her appearance, and then upholding family tradition and then her son. I think it characterizes Walaburga perfectly.
“Wow! Can I hold her, Dad? Please?” pleaded a toddler to her father.
This is a great opening line! It sets the scene up wonderfully. I also love how you had Petunia all excited and happy to play with her new sister. It seems very canon to the little bit we saw of Lily's childhood in DH.
Nothing would happen to this baby… Life was perfect!
Ahh... I do love irony.
I really like how you gave Remus and Peter some solid backstory. It seems like most people just kind of skip over them, ignoring how they came to be. I especially like what you did with Peter. It's new and creative and it makes sense. I can already see why Peter turned out they way he did.
I also like how you gave just a teeny-tiny
glimpse of each birth. You showed how different their childhoods are/ would be and you introduced each main character at the same time. It's brilliant!
So, Sirius is the somewhat ignored, but well looked after boy.
Lily has a very 'family' family. Like they really press for family time and encourage the two girls to play and bond as much as possible.
Remus has kind of a grey childhood. He's haunted by this miscarried baby and his mother's happiness is short-lived. Just as soon as it arrived, it'll be taken away again. I can very easily see her becoming depressed.
James is the adored, primped, proper, and arrogant boy. I love how you can see where he gets his arrogance from.
And, finally, Peter. His father verbally abuses his mother, right? He ignores her will and will probably ignore Peter's too. Peter's mum will teach Peter to follow her sweet and caring ways. And for the most part he will. Until that nasty, evil, power-craving side, that he inheirited from his father, decides to shine through.
Great chapter!
-Mere
Author's Response: Wow! What a lovely, long review! =DrnrnMere, dear, thanks for pointing out these mistakes. =) I'll make the changes soon. rnrnLike you've got everything summed up. =) I'm glad that you liked the story so far. Thanks for the review, dear. =)
I love seeing how different their lives are, yet they end up being best friends. I can't wait for the next chapter!
Author's Response: I'll try to get it up as soon as possible. =)
very good, keep on writing.
Author's Response: Thanks! =D Yeah, I will. =)
It's such fun seeing their different situations and different points of views about similar events, if that makes any sense at all.
~Catherine
Author's Response: Yeah, it does make sense. =P