Please continue writing this!
so u started this and stopped shame on you come on i am waitting
Author's Response: Shame on me indeed. :( I'm updating soon, promise! Thanks for reviewing.
I won't say much here right now, just a couple of lines.
I loved everything about this prologue. Even if it had just been the stuff between the +++ and not the explanatory "Four months earlier" bit after that, I think I still would have been hooked.
There's a great difference between a prologue and a first chapter, I think. A prologue can be somewhat disconnected from the story, if only slightly, and doesn't actually have to carry the plot – though of course that's only my opinion. In the very beginning of your prologue, you just show snippets of what Harry's friends are going through. They aren't in any order time- or place-wise, yet they still are all connected. People are searching for Harry. People are desperate to find him. Those bits of interrogation and search are just as unconnected, random and confused as the thoughts of the people who were closest to Harry probably are. And personally, I think once you read the summary, it's quite clear what's going on, and the beginning shouldn't be too confusing for the reader.
Now, about the second half of the prologue; I thought you captured that atmosphere right after the war and all the losses very well. I don't know if this is how Rowling would have written it (perhaps she would have had a giant party instead with everyone focussing on the bright future ahead instead of the losses in the past) but if it isn't, I like yours better. They must have been so heartbroken, and Harry was facing quite another dilemma in addition to that: it was his fault that all those people died, or at least I'm sure he could talk himself into believing this. The emotion and ... just the whole atmosphere in this scene is so extremely powerful, I don't even have the words to describe it.
Which is why I'll stop here.
Because I want you to write more. And I swear (solemnly!) that if you do, I'll practise reviewing, and I'll get amazing and fantastic at it, and then I'll leave you a thousand word long review (or several ones in a row that add up to a thousand)! But PLEASE don't abandon this story! It looks so so so promising! *begs*
Author's Response: -giant, giant squiggles- Thank yoooooou! -more squiggles- Powerful. -beams- Coming from you, especially, gives me about a world's worth of happiness. I'm glad you enjoyed the prologue and erm... well again I say we'll have to pretend I didn't abandon it for months and months. :D Updating soon! Promise! -hugs-
Thr begining to this, to me, was confusing, but I knew what was going on in the end.
I think that the end was great. I knew what was going on without you giving tons of details. The way you have this writen at the end is beautiful.
As they watched him fade into the distance, they had no idea it was the last time they'd be seeing him.
I think that is written amazingly well, and it ends the chapter in a great way. It's a nice cliff hanger. I love to leave my stories off like this, and I like reading stories that end like this. It makes me want to read the next chapter right away. I think you did great with that.
I really like this story so far, and I'm excited to read the next chaper.
Author's Response: Ohh, very opposite from the other opinion on the last line, hehe. I'm glad you liked it, and enjoyed the chapter. Thanks for reviewing!
I loved this first chapter, some great writing, I cant wait to see what happens next.
Author's Response: Thank you for the review! :)
Oooh! This is quite interesting, and I look forward to the development of this story. :-D So far, it's quite believable and I can see it all playing out in my head. I do hope he's okay, but you'll just have to update to let me know...hint, hint. lol
~Jess
Author's Response: Thanks, Jess! -hugs- Hint taken... we'll just pretend it wasn't months and months later. :D Thanks for the review!
Hello! I like the start of this fic and it sounds like it could be really good! Please continue it, it's really good!
:D
Author's Response: Thank you! It will be continued, no doubts. Thanks for the review. :)
I enjoyed the imagery in this chapter, the family standing in a huddle, Harry waking to moonlight and seeing Ginny's silhouette, Hermione and Ginny standing side by side, watching Harry fade into the distance. You portray with stirring vividness the almost smothering love his friends have for Harry, and his reaction to everything that happens seems very in character. You make it easy to picture him taking a walk and following the impulse to keep on walking.
That's why the first four sections, everything before "Four Months Ago" is so baffling. It's like watching a film where the screen is black and you only hear dialogue. It’s hard to imagine what's happening and I can't always figure out who's talking. Overall, I have only a vague clue what's going on, and frankly, I think it cripples the story.
Prologue or not, this is your first chapter. As a writer, I believe you want to hook readers and entice them to come back and read the second chapter when it posts, not confuse them to the point where they wonder if it's worth the bother.
Using the spy novel/film convention of putting the location at the top of each brief conversation to let readers know where they're taking place would help. I think more revising than that is needed, however. Only in the Rosmerta/Minister dialogue is time mentioned, but without a frame of reference it's meaningless. Even after reading through the entire chapter and then re-reading the beginning, I'm left wondering where the first bit of dialogue is taking place, if one or two people beside Ron are conversing in the second scene, and whether it's Ron, George, or someone else threatening Malfoy in the last bit of dialogue. You could give a little description of people, place, or atmosphere; clarify who says what without losing the air of mystery. Like this:
Portkey Office, American Ministry of Magic. Three months after the Battle of Hogwarts.
"Miss . . . Granger, was it?" the official said, shuffling his paperwork.
"Yes."
"And what department did you say you were from?"
Hermione wasn’t impressed with the man’s too-busy-to-remember act. She placed her card on his desk. "Mr Tufnick, I don't like to repeat myself. If you ever see this man, you contact me at this number."
"What makes you think I'll see 'em?"
"If' is the operative word, Mr Tufnick. Good day."+++++
That’s just an example. Any place, any time, any scenario would work.
At the end, the last line, As they watched him fade into the distance, they had no idea it was the last time they'd be seeing him, is repeating what you earlier told readers through Rosmerta’s conversation with the Minister. If you wrote a short dialogue exchange between Ginny and Hermione instead, you could show they’re worried about him and fear he might not come back without pulling the “they had no idea” narrator intrusion.
There's so much potential in this story I can’t help wanting it to be realized. I hope that makes your heart grow three sizes, although I fear the concrit might make your writer shoes feel two sizes too small.
Author's Response: Not at all. ;) The beginning scenes were meant to be intentionally confusing, to a certain degree. I rather thought that who, what, when and where wasn't as important as the simple act of conveying the frantic attitudes of the characters in their search for Harry. Not to mention, these are excerpts from chapters to (eventually) come and so in time you will certainly see each of these conversations with all necessary details. I completely agree with the last line. -blush- I think I was getting a bit to in to the drama of the scene; it was a rather melodramatic inclusion. I will most certainly change that up when I go through to see if I can make the beginning scenes less spy-movie. :p Thank you so much for your review, the criticism and compliments. :) Hopefully I haven't left this story to decay for too long to bring you back when I update.
please be an quick updater...
Author's Response: I'm sorry that I'm not! But I am getting to it. Thank you for your review. :)