Name: iLuna17 (Signed) · Date: 04/14/13 1:12 · For: Chapter 1

Hi, Krista.

I thought this was an interesting idea for a piece. When I first clicked on it, I had no idea what to expect, and the beginning shocked me, but it fit so well with the song you chose, showing Lily’s descent from innocence to hurt beyond repair.

The style of this was definitely interesting, with the incorporation of lyrics and the way the timeline was set up. I really liked the circular feel, that it started and ended in the same way, because the first section made so much more sense. With the lyrics, though, I am not entirely sure they were necessary so often throughout the piece. At the beginning, I thought it was brilliant how the lyrics concluded a section rather than began it, but as the piece went on I felt the lyrics lost some of their meaning as I found them in odd places that didn’t quite fit. I think they would have been more powerful if they were less, if that makes any sense.

On Lily: I thought you characterized her quite nicely. I like how you made her seem vulnerable because she was genuinely good, a neat parallel to the song, She has a fiery side, but when she let herself trust Benedict she became sort of blind. And that flaw came back to bit her. I did question whether she would sleep with him on the first night they even start dating, even if she did fancy him; based on what you said before, Lily was very, very conservative and that bit seemed a little off to me. If they had been dating for a while, it would make more sense, because while Lily is trusting it doesn’t mean she’d be willing to go that far on a first date of sorts.

I can honestly say I happily hated Benedict in this, which I’m guessing was the desired effect. You built up his character so nicely; at first I see him as a charming and attractive boy, someone I want to see Lily with, but then it suddenly comes crashing down in that one instant. His reaction is perfectly normal, to not want to have to deal with a child at that age, but I do think that never wanting to see the child seems a bit extreme. I think that, given that before he wasn’t portrayed as sociopathic as the bloke in the song, he might have had some regret sooner. Perhaps another scene where he tries, but Lily rejects him might have helped.

My favorite aspect of the piece was how beautifully unresolved it was. Everything wasn’t tied up into neat little happy packages, because that simply doesn’t happen in real life. Lily still hates Benedict, and Benedict doesn’t know their child. While it might last forever, it was niece to see that everything wasn’t resolved, that they ended back up together and lived happily ever after. That being said, I would love to see a sequel to this, perhaps with a little more between the break-up and the last scene, and what happens after. Great job!

Ellie

Author's Response: I'm very glad you like it. I'm working on something that will tie Lion's Son and this together. It'll be more of a prequel and somewhat of a sequel, but Benedict will definitely show up. I was worried about the characterization of both of them and I'm glad you liked it. The bit where she sleeps with him, I felt like since she knew him so well, she trusted him completely. This isn't the last we'll see of Benedict. And you were supposed to hate him. Thank you thank you thank you for reading!

Name: Kreacher Feacher (Signed) · Date: 10/28/12 20:55 · For: Chapter 1

This is great! I loved it! I particularly liked how you didn't make it all "happy ending" for Benedict, or go all cliche and make him settle down for once. Well done!

Author's Response: Thank you!! You made me feel warm and fuzzy!