Name: Oregonian (Signed) · Date: 02/25/14 14:55 · For: Chapter 1

i, Alison. This is Vicki of Slytherin House, commenting on your story about the events of Remus’ life after the Triwizard Tournament. Yours is a story that I like very much. It starts off with a “bang” (truly, no pun intended) and goes galloping forward in the missing-moments tale of an exciting point in the Harry Potter saga.

I like your first-person-Remus point of view. Although this first chapter is mostly action, we see enough of Remus’ inner thoughts to comprehend his character better. He is not a depressed, hopeless, angsty, or self-negating person, as he is sometimes portrayed, but rather a strong, resolute (although hungry) person who is up to the task before him.

Sirius is also depicted well in character—impulsive, a loose cannon. You show this when you write that he wanted to rush off in the middle of the night to inform other people and was restrained by Remus only with some effort, and that in his dog persona he succumbed to the temptation to chase Mrs. Figg’s cat. I wonder if he had ADHD.

You tie the story neatly to canon with references sprinkled here and there to established points of canon, and you vary the serious mood with bits of humor, such as the line “Things had to be bad for someone to want to be closer to a werewolf.” That shows a sensibility on your part for how life must have been for Remus.

Your writing shows a good balance of dialogue, action, and brief reflections or “asides” on the implications of some words and actions. In some stories the author includes so many asides that it is hard to pick out the storyline, but you have avoided this fault, including just enough asides to give the story some flavor. This chapter also has an obvious story arc composed of elements that drive the plot forward; not all authors do this, and their stories risk being boring.

Your sentences flow smoothly, with good variety in sentence structure and good word choices. They are pretty much free of editorial bobbles that can distract our attention momentarily. In fact, there’s not really anything I don’t like about your story.

For a long time I chose not to read stories in the romance categories because I assumed in my prejudice that they would all be soppy or mushy or fluffy, but happily, in my recent troll through the romance fics, I have been proved wrong. There are many romance-labeled stories, like yours, that have a lot of merit and are well worth reading. I would like to see you finish this one. True, we already know how it turns out in the end, but the process of arriving there, like Arabella’s backstory, is sufficiently thin in the canon that it affords great scope for us authors to fill in all the missing details. I’m sure that others have tried to write these scenes, but perhaps not more successfully than you. Good job.

Name: Theloonyhermione (Signed) · Date: 04/01/13 18:42 · For: Chapter 1

This was really good and I can't wait to read what happens next! Your characterization is really nice, and your writing style easy to read. :) Adding to my favorites so that I can see when it's updated!

Author's Response: Thanks so much!

Name: shewolf2000 (Signed) · Date: 04/01/13 0:57 · For: Chapter 1

Oooooo, I really like it! Your characterization is good; I especially liked Padfoot scaring Arabella's cat. More please!

Author's Response: Thanks for the review!