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Name: linmangmu (Signed) · Date: 09/14/17 3:37 · For: Chapter one: The Beginning
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Name: Kerichi (Signed) · Date: 06/25/15 10:51 · For: Chapter 2: Begginings are only starts of an end
Sights and smells trigger memories, and you showed that well at the beginning of this chapter. Made me want to live in a cottage with piles of books and bundles of herbs hanging from the rafters, scenting the room warmed by a fire. Ingvar and Godric's relationship has a depth beyond mentor/apprentice. The reminiscence was poignant, as was their different outlooks on how to deal with the persecution of magical children. Godric wants to take bold action. Ingvar feels he has both lost too much and has too much to lose.

Salazar's ability added a new dimension to his character. I wish you had shown how he felt about Godric. Was he resentful? Indifferent? Sometimes a parent and child who have similar personalities clash. How does Salazar get along with his father?

The ending reminds me of stories where the reluctant hero is forced to act. I have a feeling that Godric will save the day, but I can't help wanting Salazar to let loose with a burst of wild magic.

Author's Response: Yeah, I love doing descriptions. It's fun for me. I was definitely trying to get that different point thing across. After all, there's a story behind this. Salazar will show that just not here yet. Hmmm...maybe they'll be both? ;)


Name: Kerichi (Signed) · Date: 06/25/15 10:29 · For: Chapter one: The Beginning
Your astonishment over the lack of stories for the characters made me grin. I think that's why most writers turn to fan fiction: there so much authors have to leave to the imagination. Wanting to know more about characters leads to writing stories to fill in those gaps. I'll admit, the Founders have been about as interesting to me as miscellaneous facts about relatives who are merely dates of birth and death on family trees. So that's where you come in. You make the Founders live and breathe. You round out their characters and give them depth. They become people to care about instead of names I'm told to revere because the fandom wouldn't exist without them. ;)

I loved your opening line. Long ago, in a time of darkness evokes both galaxies far, far away and humble shires from which unexpected heroes spring. The opening paragraph could be the first stanza in a poem, with it's rhyming Glen and Fen. It establishes the story world and tone nicely.

Amara's thought that Salazar was just like his father had been made me pay more attention to Ingvar in Godric's pov for hints of the kind of wizard Salazar would become. Had a Princess Bride smiley moment reading "Florin" (Buttercup was raised on a small farm in the country of Florin).

You did an excellent job of conveying the qualities Godric has that will become Gryffindor hallmarks. The bold charm and self-confidence, even while blundering around and wishing he could just get some blasted directions. You show it in the way he carries his sword, the way he leans nonchalantly, even the way he verbally takes a poke at his old mentor, laughing when he sees the small twinkle in his eyes. It calls to mind Sirius and James and Fred and George and makes me care about him. He's endearing.

I hope you, like Godric, tend to consider it a compliment. :)

Author's Response: Thank you! Ha...year late reply. I also edited this. I felt like this site was pretty deserted, so I may or may not have jumped ship. It was a nice surprise to come on here and see the change, meaning there was work going on to get it running more. I also dropped off the story for a long while. I've had some self confidence issues, but I'm back on it now. Chapter three should be up soon enough. You got the reference! Actually, I didn't notice it until someone else pointed that out, then I left it there for fun. And yeah, someone else has pointed that out about Sirius and the others as well. And yes, I definitely consider it a complement.


Name: Oregonian (Signed) · Date: 05/02/15 1:36 · For: Chapter 2: Begginings are only starts of an end
Hi again. Even if you thought this chapter wasn’t your “best”, I still enjoyed it and appreciated that the action was picking up a bit in the latter half. We are beginning to see some of the pillars of the plot, and the personalities of your characters are coming more into focus. Being a Slytherin myself, I appreciate seeing Salazar in a good light. One never sees stories about his boyhood, only about his adulthood when he is this sinister, cold-hearted guy, hard to feel affection for. Perhaps your story will reveal the early experiences that ultimately made him what he was.

Sorry about your losing your first edited version of this chapter. My daughter is a computer engineer, and when I totally lose something or mess it up completely, she can usually get it back again for me. I am in awe!

Looking forward to the next chapter.

Vicki

Author's Response: Yeah, the way Salazar is depicted most times kinda gets under my skin. Looking at the time period there should be something behind his actions. The other founders wouldn't just let some prejudice jerkface in like that without reason, and he's said to be Godric's best friend. It just wouldn't make sense. I'm certainly planning on fixing that.


Name: Oregonian (Signed) · Date: 05/02/15 1:02 · For: Chapter one: The Beginning
Hi, Isabella. This is Vicki of Slytherin House. I read this chapter one when it was first posted, but neglected to write you a review then, so I will do it now.

Your chapter end note suggests that you have a long and extensive exposition in mind, so I will be looking forward to many chapters full of detail and complexity. So far we see a boyish Salazar and then, apparently skipping forward a decade or two, Godric as a young man. We see that Salazar loves books, and that his father is a teacher and a bookstore-owner, and that Godric has come back to see his old teacher because of some kind of dark trouble brewing. Their personalities still seem tentative to me, but doubtless there is plenty of space in upcoming chapters for them to reveal themselves more fully.

Your sentences flow well, and you have delightful turns of phrase here and there. I will go on to chapter two now, to see if we meet Helga and Rowena, or see more of Salazar and Godric.

Vicki

Author's Response: Sorry for the extremely late response. The site was so empty except for the members who could post without validation. I kinda gave up, but it was a nice surprise when I came here today on a whim and saw the new look. Anyway, I started this again. For real this time. Most of chapter three done except for edits, and I've got snippets of a lot of other chapters. I certainly have some plans here. Thank you for the review...and oops once again for the year late reply.


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