Name: chenlina (Signed) · Date: 05/23/17 9:17 · For: Chapter 1

chenlina20170523
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chenlina20170523

Name: Oregonian (Signed) · Date: 05/06/15 17:43 · For: Chapter 1

Hi, Ellie.

This is Vicki of Slytherin House, here to comment on your first story on these archives. Actually I have read it several times, always meaning to write a review, and then something drags me away.

You write nicely, with a lot of introspection and attention to the subtle nuances of the personalities of Lily and Severus. Petunia seems more like a one-note personality, but that is because she is being seen through the eyes of Lily, who can at present see only one side of Petunia, but still, you have given us little glimpses into Petunia’s state of mind (why is she becoming anorexic? Part of her attempt to fit into the culture of the socialites?).

At the beginning of the chapter, when Lily is so angry, I was concerned that maybe it would be one of those Lily-always-angry-and-bitchy stories that we sometimes see, which can get tiresome, but then it became plain that there is a lot more to your Lily than just a shrill and complaining character. I liked your depiction of her as someone who still placed some value on her old relationship with Severus, despite the big blow-up between the two of them in the previous year. This encounter between the two of them makes their characters more complex, and therefore more interesting, because it opens up a lot more possibilities.

I also noticed that you were not entirely in the point of view of Lily, but also had a substantial section written from the point of view of Severus. I was glad you did that because it made the story more interesting, more complex.

A couple of technical suggestions. In the area of editing, you can make this good story even better by identifying the places where you have run-together sentences and fixing them up with periods or semi-colons.

Also, here is a suggestion I hope you will like: how to get rid of those pesky black diamonds with question marks in them that show up wherever you put a dash in your original manuscript. For some reason, this system doesn’t recognize a dash when we type one into our manuscript, but it CAN recognize the code for a dash. Now if I just typed the code for a dash into this review, the computer would turn it into a real dash, and that wouldn’t help you, so I will type the 7-character code with spaces in between the characters, and hopefully the computer will be fooled into printing exactly what I type.
So here is the code: & m d a s h ; To make a real dash appear in your posted manuscript, type those seven characters (with no spaces between them) into your manuscript wherever you want a dash, and you will get one in your posted story!

Important Hint: If you use this code in your manuscript, paste it into the submission box, AND THEN HIT THE ‘PREVIEW’ BUTTON to look at your story’s final format, you will see the nice dashes in the preview, BUT AT THE SAME TIME THE COMPUTER WILL TURN THEM ALL BACK INTO BLACK DIAMONDS FOR THE FINAL PRODUCT. Grrr! So after you have put the code into your manuscript and pasted it into the submission box, just have faith and hit the “submit” button without previewing it again. Then your posted story should have dashes where you want them, and no more pesky black diamonds.

In fact, you could go to the “Edit Story” function in My Account, and edit this story to get rid of the pesky black diamonds right now! You’re welcome.

So I will wait to see the next chapter of your story, which hopefully will come soon. I would like to see if you manage to heal the old wounds between Lily and Severus. An interesting idea.

Vicki

Name: Fynnsmom (Signed) · Date: 05/06/15 17:40 · For: Chapter 1

I love the Snape character. If a story has him in I can pretty much guarantee that I'll like it. The whole Harry Potter series basically came down to one heartbreaking thing for me--the enduring love Severus had for Lily. That was the saddest love story I've ever read. So, in a nutshell I liked this chapter and I look forward to the next one.