Padfoot Prohibited: A list of things Sirius L. Black is no longer allowed to do or say at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Disclaimer: Yeah, yeah, you all know the drill. I don't own any Harry Potter characters. I do however own the plot for this fic. However, I based this idea on Skippy’s List of Things Not to Do in the Army off of the internet and will be applying some of his items to HP terms.

A/N: What should I tell you to start out with? I have originally posted this fanfiction on FanFiction.Net in April of 2004, but I got such great reviews from them, I thought I’d share it with my favorite HP site. Please submit a review to let me know what you think of it and if you have any suggestions for my list. My AOL/IM screenname is EvrChanginAnthem. Feel free to reach me there anytime. You should also check out my website if you like all humorous things having to do with Harry Potter. It has an “If Harry Potter were a musical� section, memorial songs for Sirius Black, and a list of actors I wanted to play Sirius before they cast Gary Oldman. Hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoy writing it.

Chapter 1 - Mum's Assignment

"Black!" shouted Professor McGonagall impatiently.

Sirius' head snapped up from his desk where he was doodling.

"You might want to listen to this."

"Mom," Sirius paused for dramatic effect as a few of his classmates snickered. James, Peter, and Remus, who were seated around him, merely rolled their eyes. "I hate to disappoint you, but I think I already know all there is to know about advanced transfiguration."

Professor McGonagall inwardly grinned, but outwardly grimaced. "I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that, Mr. Black, just for lack of energy. You might want to pay attention to this if you're interested in leaving your..." McGonagall choked out the last few words, "...legacy behind."

Sirius arched an eyebrow and looked sideways at James.

Professor McGonagall continued. "Now, as I was saying, as seventh years, you will all be required to compose a letter to incoming first years before you will be allowed to graduate. You could include anything from a list of general tips that helped you succeed in your studies, helpful information about teachers and classes, or even a list of things not to do at Hogwarts. Be creative and helpful. Think of yourself as a first year, completely clueless as to what goes on inside the Hogwarts Castle. They will be due before you take your N.E.W.T.s at the end of the term. Yes, Mr. Potter?" asked McGonagall, noticing James' outstretched hand.

"Is this an english class now, Mom?"

Once again McGonagall tried to overlook the name. She was obviously getting tired of reprimanding them. "This isn't for me, Potter. It's a general requirement that Dumbledore has asked all seventh year students to complete this year before they graduate."

"I'm Head Boy, how is it that I didn't know about this?"

"Perhaps Black's inattentiveness has rubbed off on you."

James laughed out loud. "That's for sure. Look what you've done, Padfoot!"

Sirius put on his trademark faultless face and crossed his arms in front of him. "It's your own fault, Jamesey. If you didn't idolize me so much, and try to copy every single thing I do..."

"Alright, gentlemen, we get the point," interrupted McGonagall. "Would you like to continue your discussion in detention tonight?"

"No, Professor," said Sirius harmoniously with James' "Sorry, Professor."

"Good. Are there any other questions on this matter?" The class fell silent. "Thank Merlin. Class dismissed."

"How was transfiguration?" asked Lily, meeting them in the second floor corridor.

"James almost got me put in detention again," teased Sirius.

Lily rolled her eyes. "What did you do this time, Sirius?"

Sirius scoffed. "Me?"

"Lily, did you hear about that letter we're supposed to write for first years?" asked James.

"The one Professor Dumbledore was talking about last week? Sounds like fun, huh?"

Peter laughed. "She's right, Prongs. You don't pay attention."

"And you do?" asked James.

"Padfoot, are you feeling alright? Looks to me like you're thinking," said Remus, watching Sirius out of the corner of his eye.

"Don't be ridiculous, Moony," said Sirius. "I'm just hungry."

"Anyone else wanna go straight to the Great Hall?" asked Remus.

"I gotta get my potions done," said James.

"Me too," agreed Peter.

"Oh yeah," remembered Sirius, following them to the Gryffindor common room.

Half an hour later, James, Remus, Peter, and Lily had risen from their comfy seats by the fire to head down to dinner. They turned around to see Sirius concentrating heavily on his essay.

"Padfoot?" asked James.

Sirius reluctantly tore his eyes from the parchment in front of him.

"You comin?"

"I just have a bit to finish up. I'll be down in a minute, guys," he told them all.

"Need help?" offered James.

Sirius shook his head. When they had all crawled through the portrait hole, he continued to write:

Dear First Years,

Soon your teachers will be telling you my story, the story of the mischievous Sirius Black and his partner in crime, James Potter. They will warn you not to wander down the path of pranks and detentions, as I have. I am proud of what The Marauders have accomplished, and therefore, wanted to leave you with something to remember us by. I am giving you a list of things that I am no longer allowed to do or say at Hogwarts, which you all should consider doing on a regular basis to remind our dear teachers what they're missing:

1 - Not allowed to threaten anyone with "BLACK" magic.

2 - Not allowed to give myself or any other human on the premises of Hogwarts, especially Severus Snape, magical breast implants.

3 - Not allowed to let enchanted sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions.

4 - Not allowed to let enchanted sock puppets serve detention for me.

5 - Not allowed to refer to Headmaster Dumbldore as "Dad."

6 - Not allowed to refer to Professor McGonagall as "Mom."

7 - If the thought of something makes either myself or James Potter giggle for more than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.

8 - Not allowed to....

A/N: Just a short chapter to get the story going. How do you like it so far? In English class my senior year, we had to write a letter to incoming freshman telling them the do’s and don’t’s of high school behavior. I’m sure some of you have had to do that, too, though for me it seems like ages ago. Anyway, that along with Skippy’s List is where I got this idea from. Every chapter will have new additions to the list. If you have any ideas for the list yourself, please put them in your review. I will give you credit if I decide to use them, even though I already have plenty. Thanks for reading.
Luv, Liveley.

Padfoot Prohibited: A list of things Sirius L. Black is no longer allowed to do or say at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Disclaimer: Yeah, yeah, you all know the drill. I don't own any Harry Potter characters. I do however own Liveley Ashe and the idea/plot for this fic, which is based on Skippy's List of Things Not to Do in the U.S. Army.

A/N: Thanks for the reviews. On FanFiction.Net I was used to just getting "Omigod, I love your story!" but you guys actually tell me what you liked about it and what I can improve on. Thanks a lot. Hope you enjoy this chapter also.

Chapter 2 - Planning Ahead

"I'm just sayin, Prongs," said Sirius as he and James were walking down the seventh floor corridor, "It used to be all," he changed to his most feminine voice, "'James Potter, I'd rather eat shit and die than go out with you'," he returned to his normal voice, "and now it's like," back to the girly voice, "'Oh, Jamesey, I loooooove you. Oh, Jamesey, I neeeeeeed you. Oh, Jamesey, I can't live without you...'"

"I think you're exaggerating just a little bit there, Padfoot," replied James.

"Whatever, man. All I'm sayin is like we leave school for the summer and you come back and she's all over you. And you never even told me how it happened when you had no problem telling me every little detail about all the other girls."

"It's different with her, Sirius. It's not just about that. I'm pretty sure I love her."

Sirius stuck out his tongue and made a gagging sound as he rolled his eyes and scrunched up his face. "Listen to yourself, Jay! Are you aware you just used the "L" word?"

"I'm sorry, Padfoot, I can't help it. Laugh now, but it'll happen to you whether you want it to or not."

"Oh no it won't!" Sirius stopped walking and stared adamantly into his best friend's eyes. "Sirius Black does not fall in love! Sirius Black has never loved anything! Sirius Black is a player and he's proud of it!"

It was James' turn to roll his eyes. "Why is Sirius Black referring to himself in the third person?"

The two of them laughed together as they came to a tapestry of Barnabas the Barmy and a bunch of trolls wearing pink tu-tu's. They continued walking past the tapestry and then turned and backtracked past it again. Looking as though they were concentrating very hard, they did this two more times. A polished door with a brass handle appeared on the wall opposite the tapestry and Sirius twisted the doorknob as the trolls in the tapestry started voilently clubbing their supposed ballet teacher.

As they entered the cozy little room they froze. Remus was already there, but he was obviously unaware of their presence. He was singing at the top of his lungs as he searched through a large bowl filled with ice and bottles of different flavored butterbeer.

He sang, "If you hear em howlin around your kitchen door, you better not let em in. Little old lady got mutilated late last night, werewolves of London again. Ahh-ooh, werewolves of London. Ahh-oooooooh. Ahh-ooh, werewolves of London. Ahh--AHHH!"

He suddenly let out a shriek as he caught sight of James and Sirius snickering in the doorway. His face instantly turned red. James and Sirius laughed loudly and clapped, begging for an encore. Despite his bright red face, Remus smiled and bowed grandly. Sirius issued red roses from his wand and threw them at Remus.

"You make that up, Moony?" asked James.

"Nah, it's a muggle song. I kinda like it," he grinned.

"Yeah, fits you perfect," agreed Sirius with a smile. He also dug through the bowl and pulled out a raspberry butterbeer. He twisted open the cap and downed the entire bottle in one swig. "Where's Pete?"

Remus shrugged his shoulders. "Probably forgot how to get in again," he rolled his eyes. "I'll go check."

He went to the door and opened it. There was Peter standing there with his back to the door, scratching his head. Remus let out one short laugh.

"Hey Wormtail, you planning on comin in sometime this week?"

Peter jumped and spun around. "Oh no, I just forgot how you get into this room again."

Peter stepped into the room and Remus let the door close. The room was filled with couches and recliners, with bookshelfs along the walls. In the very center of the room was a circular couch with a circular desk in the middle containing rolls of parchment and quills. There was also another section that had every type of junk food you could imagine as well as the icebowl filled with every flavor of butterbeer.

"How about I tattoo it on your forehead for ya?" shouted Sirius, tossing his empty butterbeer bottle into a transparent box, where it promptly disappeared.

"But then how would I read it?" joked Peter.

"Okay, I'll tattoo it on your forehead and shove a mirror up your butt."

James made a face and hit Sirius across the chest.

"What?" demanded Sirius. "I was just kidding, Wormtail. I'd shrink the mirror first, obviously."

Remus and Peter laughed. "But would he remember how to blow it up again?" teased Remus.

Peter shrugged. "Doubtful."

Sirius laughed and put his arm around Peter, leading him to the large semi-circle couch that was in the middle of the room and ruffling his hair. The four of them sat around it, looking pensive.

"Gentlemen, this Marauder Meeting is now called to order," proclaimed Sirius, suddenly sounding more like his first name would suggest. "Marauder Moony, what's the status on our next...excursion into the wild?"

Remus rolled his eyes. "Excursion into the wild? Are you referring to the next time there's a full moon, or the next Care of Magical Creatures field trip?"

"Oh, don't get so huffy! When is it, mate? It's gotta be coming up."

"Friday," replied Remus.

"Friday. So...any ideas?"

"We could...try to find the entrance to that passage that Sirius and I found that leads to the girls' lavatory," suggested James.

Sirius nodded his head. "Might come in handy."

"If you don't know where the entrance is, then how do you know there's a passage there?" asked Remus.

"Well, Moaning Myrtle was flirting with Sirius again, so he told her he'd meet her in her stall. And then he sent some fifth year in there, pretending to be him, and she got all pissed and said she'd haunt him if he didn't come in and apologize. So we go in there and she's like all pissed off and then she was saying something about going back through her toilet to get a firewhiskey. So we're thinkin there has to be some sort of passageway leading from the girls' lavatory to either The Three Broomsticks or The Hog's Head," explained James, speaking rather quickly.

"How can there be a passageway from the second floor of Hogwarts leading to The Three Broomsticks?" asked Remus.

"It could be through water pipes," shrugged James.

"There's a water pipe from Hogwarts to The Three Broomsticks, I don't think so, Prongs."

"Well, someone could have made it on purpose! All I'm sayin is there might be one and we wanna find out cuz the only other passage that actually leads into Hogwarts is the Honeydukes one, and that isn't open at night. The Three Broomsticks is a bar, it'll be open all night and then we can go right to the second floor."

"What about Myrtle? She might tell on us," Peter shivered at the thought.

"So we'll give her Sirius," teased James. "He can marry her and be king of the porcelan jacuzzi."

Three of them laughed and Sirius raised his middle finger and then started to chuckle himself.

"I'll handle her, Peter," he said.

After planning their next Marauder night, the four of them got to work on their homework.

"Ya know, no one thinks we do our homework cuz they never actually see us doing it," commented Remus.

"I know. Everyone just thinks Padfoot's naturally that smart," replied James.

They waited for Sirius to make his come back...but he said nothing. His head was burried in a roll of parchment.

"Sirius, aren't you gonna say anything?" Still no response. "Sirius?"

He lifted his head as though he had just heard them for the first time. "Huh?"

"What are you working on?" asked Peter, starting over to Sirius' armchair and desk.

Sirius shrugged. "Just my essay thingy for the first years."

"You're actually taking that seriously?" demanded James.

He shrugged again and handed the parchment to James. James read:

"'Things Sirius L. Black is no longer allowed to do or say at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry?' How'd you come up with that?" He started to skim through the list and then laughed out loud.

"What?" asked Peter and Remus together.

James set the parchment on Sirius' desk, and the three of them leaned forward to read:

8 - Not allowed to speculate on the penis size of any of my male or female professors.

9 - Not allowed to threaten suicide with muggle pop rocks and coke.

10 - The proper way to report to Headmaster Dumbledore when ordered into his office is, "You wanted to see me, Professor?" not "You can't prove a thing!"

11 - I do not get "that time of the month" and, therefore, cannot use it as an excuse when trying to get out of detention.

12 - Not allowed to fly my broomstick indoors, especially to chase first years down to the dungeons.

"Oh my God, Padfoot, McGonagall's gonna murder you!" exclaimed Remus.

"I think she'll like it," he said.


A/N: Yes, there are different flavors of butterbeer. There were some song lyrics in this chapter. They were from "Werewolves of London" by Warren Zevon in case you wanted to know. Funny song, makes me think of Moony. I had a dream that Ewan McGregor was singing it, cuz I wanted him to play Moony in the movies. Not that I'm complaining about David Thewlis. I wrote this chapter before I saw the PoA movie. David Thewlis was great. Also, if anyone was confused about the trolls in pink tutu's, give me your email address in your review and I'll explain it to you. All you really need to know is that was the entrance described in the fifth book to the Room of Requirement. One more thing I wanted to say: it annoys me when people writing Marauder Era fiction tend to leave Peter Pettigrew out of the story or just have everyone else treat him like shit. He was just as much part of the group as the rest of them were. He had to be, because they all trusted him. Sirius would not have suggested Peter as the Potters' secret keeper if he had even the slightest doubt of Peter's character. And James wouldn't have accepted Peter as their secret keeper and risk endangering his wife and son if he didn't completely trust him also. Okay, that's about it. Anyways, I hope you liked the chapter and keep up the awesome reviews, those were great! Luv, Liveley.

Padfoot Prohibited: A list of things Sirius L. Black is no longer allowed to do or say at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Disclaimer: Yeah, yeah, you all know the drill. I don't own any Harry Potter characters. I do however own the idea/plot for this fic, which is based on Skippy's List.

A/N: Yay, I'm glad everyone likes this fic so much. I'd like to thank Skippy, of course, for lending me his hilarious list. Thank you, thank you! This chapter was sort of the product of writer’s block and going to my best friend’s Venner performace. (Venner = high school dancing/singing group that did “Dancing Queen� just to prove they could.) You’ll see what I mean by that when you read the chapter. Hope you enjoy.



Chapter 3 - Midnight Serenade

"But Professor, couldn't I just sleep in another dormitory? They're out to get me!" Sirius clung to Professor McGonagall like a five year old frightened of the dark.

"Mr. Black, for the last time, there are no evil clowns living under your bed! Now stop waking me up!" exclaimed Professor McGonagall, wearing a lime green housecoat, slippers, and cap. She gave Sirius a quick shove out of her office and slammed the door.


"But Mom! Couldn't I just sleep in the girls dorms?" whined Sirius. "I'm deathly afraid of clowns, especially evil ones!"

"Goodnight, Mr. Black!" screech McGonagall through the door.

Sirius smiled widely as he threw an Invisibility Cloak around his shoulders and made his way back to his dorm. He heard a menacing meow behind him and turned to see Mrs. Norris running towards him. She could not see him, but he knew she could sense his presence.

While still under the cloak, he transformed into a large black dog and waited for her to swat at the cloak, snagging it off of him. Not daring to growl and alert her master and the current caretaker, Pringle, he merely barred his teeth threateningly. Mrs. Norris froze and drew herself up to full height. Padfoot raised a paw and struck Mrs. Norris rather gently in the belly, sending her sliding a few feet backwards. She spit at him and then retreated quickly down the hall to fetch her master.

Transforming only to pick up the cloak and throw it around himself again, he muttered under his breath, "Merlin, that felt good," and then returned to dog form in case she came back for a rematch.

James and Peter were waiting for Sirius anxiously. He entered the room in dog form with the cloak still around him and then as he let it slip off, he transformed into himself again.

"Why were you in animagus form?" asked James, freezing as he saw the door open.

"Had to head off Mrs. Norris," answered Sirius. "I rather enjoyed it."

"Well?" asked James, galloping excitedly around the room.

"Did you get detention?" asked Peter, equally excited.

"Nope," Sirius shrugged. "But at least I got another thing to add to my list!" He happily bounded over to his bedside table and scribbled on the piece of parchment that was there. "Whose turn is it?"

"Mine," said James bravely. "Was she really P.O.ed?"

Sirius laughed. "Don't know what she was so upset about, myself. It's a Saturday! She doesn't hafta get up early to teach or anything."

"Teachers are always up at the crack of dawn, Padfoot, no matter what day it is," reminded James. "We found that out in our fourth year, remember?"

"Okay, Prongs, I got one," said Sirius, ignoring James' comment.

Peter and James leaned forward as though hanging on Sirius' every word.

"Go down to the hospital wing and serenade Moony."

"What?" protested James. "What do I have to sing this time?"

"Your choice. But it better be good, or it'll be Professor Pitstain next time," warned Sirius with a smirk.

"It's Professor Pintaine, Sirius," corrected Peter.

"Isn't that what I said?" asked Sirius innocently. "Oh, that reminds me..." He again began to scribble on his piece of parchment.

"Alright," said James, getting up and taking his Invisibility Cloak from the floor where Sirius had dropped it.

They snuck down to the hospital wing quietly, without running into problems. Once inside the ward, Sirius quickly popped his head into Madam Pomfrey's office, found it empty, and gave James a silent thumbs up. He crept along the empty beds until he came to Remus' usual spot.

Remus had kicked off the covers and was sleeping in a rather odd position. His legs formed a "4" - his right leg straight out and the left bent at the knee touching his right knee with his left foot. His arms were around his head, gripping his pillow at the top. He looked as though he were about ready to put on his pink ballet slippers and do a few pirouettes.

James was struck with a sudden inspiration, seeing Remus in his ballerina pose. He began to sing, "’You are the dancing queen, young and sweet, only seventeen. Dancing queen, feel the beat from the tambourine, oh yeah.’"

Remus' eyes suddenly fluttered open and he broke into a smile, beginning to laugh. Sirius and Peter began to dance across the ward as James' continued singing.

"’You can dance, you can jive, having the time of your life. See that girl, watch that scene, dig in the dancing queen.’" James trailed off. "...I don't know the rest of the words."

"That's okay, man, really," said Remus, sitting up and digging in his ear.

Realizing the music was over, Sirius brought Peter up from their dip and wandered over to the bed next to Remus'. He plopped down on it, crossed his feet, and placed his hands behind his head.

"So, feeling better?" asked Sirius.

"Just thought we'd cheer you up," explained James.

"Madam Pomfrey wouldn't let us in this morning," Peter added.

"Well, I would have been mortally offended if you guys had actually let me get a good night sleep to recover," teased Remus. "Whose turn is it now?"

"Mine," said Peter, shifting nervously at the foot of Remus' bed.

"Any detentions yet?"

"We're not doing it for detentions this time," said Sirius, "we're doing it for research."

"Research?" asked Remus.

"Yes, for my Hogwarts essay."

"Oooh, right," said Remus. "How's it coming?"

"Well, I got a few more," said Sirius. He fished in a back pocket of his robes and handed Remus the parchment.

- Not allowed to fall in love with Madam Pomfrey.

14 - Not allowed to send anonymous love letters or fan mail to Professors.

15 - There are no evil clowns living under my bed.

16 - Not allowed to ask Professor Pintaine if he's been smoking crack.

Remus read the new additions silently, with a grin plastered on his face. "By the way, I think Pomfrey has the hots for you, Sirius."

"Nah, she just thinks I'm funny," said Sirius, waving a hand in the air and then running it through his hair as he laid back on the hospital bed.

"Yeah? Well she asked me if you were keeping out of trouble. You know that's disgusting, don't you?"

"What's disgusting? She's only like twenty-five."

"And you're seventeen!" reasoned Remus.

"Lupin, relax!" shouted James. "He's kidding."

"No, I'm not; she's twenty-five! I asked her!" justified Sirius.

"Just for the record, Sirius. There's nothing going on, right? I honestly wouldn't put it past you," said Remus, half joking.

Sirius put on his faultless face. "Hey, I may be easy, but I am not sleazy!" Then his expression turned solemn. "Seriously, no, guys. If I wanted an older woman I'd go for McGonagall."

Remus rolled his eyes and chucked a pillow at Sirius. His reflexes quick, Sirius brought his foot up and kicked the pillow into the air. He, James, and Remus followed it up and back down as it landed on top of Peter's head.



A/N: This fic is going to skip around a bit, and I'm guessing that's going to bother some of you. I'm not going to go into details describing how Sirius earned each number on his list for two reasons - I want you to use your imaginations and I'm not that creative, nor do I have the time. This fic is just sort of breezing over the Marauders last year at Hogwarts. The sequel to this, if I decide it’s good enough to post, will be a little more like a story. Thanks for reviewing. You guys are great. By the way, I'm sure most of you know the song. I hate it, but it fit, so I put it in because it was either that or writer's block. "Dancing Queen" by Abba. Also, for those of you who didn’t know, Apollyon Pringle was the caretaker in Marauder Era, but I’m assuming Mrs. Norris is a kneazle and lives longer than normal cats. I’m also assuming that has been around Hogwarts a lot longer than Argus Filch. Hope you liked the chapter. Luv, Liveley.

Padfoot Prohibited: A list of things Sirius L. Black is no longer allowed to do or say at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Disclaimer: Yeah, yeah, you all know the drill. I don't own any Harry Potter characters. I do however own the idea/plot for this fic, but it's based on Skippy's list.

A/N: Thanks a lot, you guys are great, really. I'm sure most if not all of you write fanfiction also, so you know how great it makes you feel to get reviews. No matter what mood I'm in, when I check my mail and I have reviews, it instantly cheers me up, so thanks so much.



Chapter 4 - Slytherin Skirmish

"Alright, I thought we needed to get a practice in before our--" James quickly scanned the locker room full of Quidditch practice robes and noticed one missing. "Where the hell is Sirius?"

The rest of the team shrugged in answer. James sighed and headed for the door, speaking over his shoulder. "Go ahead and start warming up. I'll go find the ladies' man."

He found Sirius in the fourth floor corridor charming some blonde fifth year whose I.Q. closely resembled her age. He ran a finger through her long curls as he gave a pompous laugh. The girl followed suit with her own glass-shattering, high-pitched giggles. James rolled his eyes and cleared his throat. Sirius turned and gave a look of death to the intruder.

"Forgetting something, stud?" asked James, leaning on a suit of armor in the corner.

Sirius gave his best friend an questioning look. "No, I think I can handle this one on my own, Jamesey."

James gave him a fake smile and shifted the broomstick he was carrying from his left to his right shoulder.

"Dammit!" exclaimed Sirius. "Right now?"

"Afraid so," said James, turning and walking back down the corridor. "I'll meet you on the field."

"Hey, wait up!" called Sirius, leaving the blonde behind without so much as a backward glance. James paused so Sirius could catch up to him.

"I'm not even gonna ask," informed James as they headed toward the Quidditch pitch.

"Good." They walked in silence until the pitch came into view. "Um, Prongs, are we having a scrimmage with Slytherin today?"

"Huh?" asked James, stopping to look at Sirius.

"Cuz that's what it looks like to me," continued Sirius, pointing to the field. The two of them broke into a run.

"Rosier!" growled James as they stepped onto the pitch. "What are you doing on my pitch?"

The whole of the Slytherin Quidditch team turned to glare at James. The ugliest of them stepped forward.

"I booked the pitch for today, Potter. I was just asking your little team...do you call yourself a team?" a smirk formed around his lips, "...the same question," responded Rosier.

"Don't give me that shit. I've had it booked every thursday since the season started!"

"Every thursday except today," replied Rosier calmly.

"You son of a--" James stopped in the middle of his sentence and he reached into his robes and noticed his wand had gone missing.

Sirius put a hand on his shoulder, twirling James' wand between his fingers. James just stared at him for an explanation.

"I got a better idea, Prongs. Imagine this: you hex Rosier, or maybe the whole bloody team even, they run and tell their precious head of house, and we get kicked off the pitch. Not the most brilliant plan in the whole world, but it's to be expected from a Slytherin."

James continued to stare at his best friend. "Sirius, you scare me sometimes when you live up to your name."

Sirius ignored yet another pun about his first name and turned to the Slytherin team. "We'll play ya for it."

A smile slowly spread across Rosier's face. "You wanna play us?"

"Hardly seems fair, Sirius," joked Mundungus Fletcher.

Sirius turned around to wink at him, then turned back to the Slytherins expectantly. "Well? You game, Rosier?"

Rosier scoffed arrogantly. "You sure you wanna do this, Black?"

Sirius smiled fakely. "We'll even go one man down while I get changed." Sirius turned on his heel and walked briskly toward the Gryffindor locker rooms.

When he came back onto the field in his practice uniform with his broom over his shoulder the game was just heating up. James had the quaffle and was speeding toward the Slytherin keeper, Rabastan Lestrange, with a chaser, Rookwood, on his tail. Sirius quickly rose into the air, spotted a bludger, and sent it toward Rookwood. Rookwood spiraled to his right to avoid it as James threw the quaffle powerfully through the middle goal hoop.

"Nice!" shouted Sirius as he sped over to James and high-fived him, swinging around his broomstick in midair.

While they were celebrating, Slytherin chasers Rookwood and Nott had taken the quaffle and were closing in on the Gryffindor keeper. James caught up to them just as they were shooting, darted in front of the goal, and caught the quaffle just before the keeper did.

"Showoff," muttered Sirius, flying up and knocking a bludger past him toward Rosier as James flew skillfully down the field.

As James was about to shoot, Rosier retaliated the bludger straight for James' head. Sirius had to dive in front of him to deflect it. Then three things happened all at once: James scored through the right goal hoop; Sirius' bludger hit Rosier right in the groin; and Rolanda Hooch whooped in triumph. Sirius and James were too busy celebrating the former two to notice the latter.

Rolanda cleared her throat. "Hey guys?"

They turned to see Rolanda's outstretched hand clasped around the small golden snitch and smiled. Rosier had frozen when the bludger hit, but now he grabbed and groaned, rolling off of his broom onto the pitch some five feet below. The Gryffindor team landed and gathered around seventh year, Rolanda, congratulating her.

Sirius hit the ground with a backward glance at Rosier who was sprawled a few feet away, still clutching his groin. "Walk it off."

"Yeah, off of our field!" added James victoriously.

As the Slytherin team trudged back up to the castle, the team laughed and decided that they'd had enough practice. They stayed on the field, re-enacting Evan Rosier's brush with a bludger, Sirius starring as Rosier. They kept this up until James suggested he throw an actual bludger at Sirius' nether regions.

Later that evening they had retreated to the common room and Sirius was working on his list in a secluded corner.

"What's Sirius working so diligently on?" Lily asked James as they sat by the fire.

"That essay for first years," responded James. "He's taking it very seriously."

"Sirius doesn't take anything seriously," contradicted Lily.

"Sure he does, but he won't admit it. Come on," he pulled her across the common room and they sat next to Sirius. "How's it comin, mate?"

"Lily would despise it," Sirius said, without looking up at them.

"How do you know, Sirius?" she asked him.

"It's all about breaking rules, and you're Miss Perfect Head Girl."

"I am not perfect, Sirius!"

"Fine you're Mary Poppins then," he teased. "Practically perfect in every way."

Lily rolled her eyes and smiled. "And you're absolutely hopeless. Let me see that," she snatched the parchment from his grasp and read. James leaned in to read the additions.

17 - Not allowed to add "in accordance with this prophecy" to the end of answers I give to a question asked by our divination professor.

18 - May not call the divination professor immoral, untrustworthy, lying slime even if I am right or become possessed by a spirit and give prophecies of my own in the middle of class.

19 - Not allowed to challenge fellow Quidditch players to 'Meet me on the field of honor at dawn,' and then show up wearing a full suit of armor that I stole from the dungeon statue.

20 - Not allowed to purchase the souls of first year students and make them my slaves.

A smile slowly spread across Lily's lips. "Sirius, only you would think of something like this."

"Ingenius, isn't it?" he gloated.

"Padfoot, number 18's too risky. You can't say stuff like that about teachers!" warned James.

"Of course I can! I'm turning it into McGonagall and she despises divination!"

"You're not gonna get away with it," said Lily.

"Watch me," said Sirius as he leaned back in his chair and crossed his hands behind his head.


A/N: Hope you enjoyed the latest chapter. Please review and let me know what you thought and if you have any suggestions for my list. I originally had a Weasley in this chapter. I had to change it recently because J.K. Rowling finally decided to tell us what Bill and Charlie's ages were for sure. I decided to make it a Wood, like Oliver Wood's dad or something, but then I realized a few things: 1) This is the Marauder's seventh year, 1978, 2) Harry was born in 1980, 3) Oliver Wood is four years older than Harry. So unless Oliver's dad became a dad when he was fifteen or younger, there's no way it's possible for him to be in the same year as the Marauders. So I decided on Madam Hooch. It does not say her age at all in the books, so I'm safe even though it says she has gray hair. (But it says Moony has grayish hair too, and some people get gray hair sooner than others. That's a stretch, but I thought it would be cool for Madam Hooch to be the seeker.) She doesn't have an official first name, but the Trading Card Game lists it as Rolanda, so I'm going by that. And obviously I pretty much just picked from my list of Death Eaters for the Slytherin players. Hope you liked the new items and the new chapter. Happy Belated Thanksgiving! Luv, Liveley.

Padfoot Prohibited: A list of things Sirius L. Black is no longer allowed to do or say at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Disclaimer: Yeah, yeah, you all know the drill. I don't own any Harry Potter characters. I do however own the idea/plot for this fic, but it's based on Skippy's list.

A/N: Wow, I sure got a lot of confused reviewers with that last chapter. "James was a seeker, not a chaser!!!!!" Sorry, but no. That's only in the Sorcerer's Stone movie, and I have no idea why they did that. Hermione shows Harry a trophy that says James was a seeker. That only happens in the movie. I go by the books, and JK Rowling has said on quite a few different interviews and chats that James was a chaser. If you don't want to take my word for it, I'll send you one of the interviews in which she said it, just let me know in your review. If you want to know why James plays with the snitch in the flashback in OotP if he was the seeker, the answer is simple: he loves Quidditch. Linebackers are often seen throwing a football around, warming up players, etc. It's the same thing. Besides, he can't very well go around carrying a quaffle with him to play with. It's too big. Hope this info was helpful to you! Sorry that was so long, but I had to explain things - onto the chapter!

Chapter 5 - Badgering Bellatrix


"Oh look, my darling baby cousin," said Sirius sarcastically.

The four of them watched as Sirius' younger cousin, Bellatrix, strolled arrogantly across the grounds, pointedly not looking in Sirius' direction. The usual Slytherin entourage was accompanying her. She was very beautiful, with long black wavy hair and a slender figure, but her eyes showed her true colors. They were dark, venomous, and almost always squinting critically at everyone around her. Bellatrix and the the six or seven Slytherins with her stopped in front of two girls lying on the grass under a birch tree. One looked similar to Bellatrix, except that her hair was as straight as could be and her eyes could only be described as the exact opposite of Bella's: blue and benignant. The other girl's hair was short and brown with eyes to match. The two of them looked up questioningly at Bellatrix.

"Now Bellatrix, I told you a million times I wasn't gonna let you copy my astronomy! Just when will prefects like you learn that cheating gets you nowhere," said the black haired girl nonchalantly as she gathered the papers that were spread on the grass in front of her and got to her feet. The girl next to her did the same.

Sirius motioned for James, Peter, and Remus to follow him as he snuck closer to them. "I have a feeling I might not want to miss this."

Bellatrix let out a cruel laugh. "Guess that explains why I'm a prefect and you're not, Raven!"

"Being the smartest fifth year in the Slytherin house isn't much to boast about, Bella. In fact, I'd keep it on the down low if I were you."

"Why you snotty little bitch! How many times have I told you, Ashe, that mouth of yours is going to get you in trouble one of these days?" whined Bellatrix.

"About the same number of times as I've told you have the face of a saint..."

Bellatrix stared at her in confusion, and then looked at her Slytherin entourage for an explanation.

"...A saint bernard," Raven finished. The brunette burst into laughter and Raven smiled sweetly at Bellatrix.

Bella practically growled at her. "You know, Raven, it isn't easy to keep your mouth and your mind open at the same time!"

Raven rolled her eyes and took a step closer to Bellatrix. "Black, my friend, I appreciate the wit, but from trash like you I take no shit. C'mon, Jordan." She nudged past her and retreated into the castle, with the brunette following her.

Sirius, James, Remus, and Peter turned and exchanged glances. Sirius watched Raven's long black hair blow over her shoulder as she approached the castle.

"Who was that?" he asked dreamily.

Since James and Peter shrugged, Sirius turned to Remus. "Raven Ashe," he responded. "She's a fifth year."

"You know her?" Sirius asked.

"Met her in our third year. She's nice."

"She's hot," blurted Sirius. "And she hates my cousin just as much as I do! She's a Gryffindor! How come I've never seen her before?"

Remus shrugged. "She kinda keeps to herself, I guess."

"Must be why Bella takes every chance she can get," said James.

"Hey, Moon-pie, wanna fix me up with her?" pleaded Sirius, raising his eyebrows twice.

"Not at chance, Sirius."

"Why not? You like her or somethin?" Sirius narrowed his eyes on Remus.

"Well, no. I just think she's too nice of a girl to get mixed up with you...especially when you only want one thing."

"Where do you get that impression? She wasn't very nice to my cousin just now!"

"Are you complaining?" asked Remus.

"No, not at all. Anyone who hates Bella as much as I do should be congratulated! Yes, I must find her right now and...congratulate her!" He tugged on Remus' arm. "C'mon."

Remus rolled his eyes and unhooked his arm from Sirius'. "Find her by yourself."

"Remus Lupin, you're my best friend and you're not even going to be my wing man? Why would you deliberately do such a thing?"

"Because I'm smart," teased Remus.

Sirius grinned and put his arm around Remus. "Moony, Moony, Moony, how many times do I hafta tell you this? Just because you're smart doesn't mean you can't act stupid! Look at me!"

"Yep, you sure do act stupid, Padfoot," Remus said.

"You see? I pretend to be stupid! But I'm really smart as a tack!" explained Sirius.

Peter turned to James with a bewildered look. "Smart as a tack?"

"I think he means sharp as a tack," corrected James.

Sirius gave up trying to explain his brilliance when he saw Bellatrix walking past them again. "Well if it isn't my favorite little cousin," he called to her.

Bellatrix whipped around and gave Sirius an icy stare. "Well if it isn't the blood-traitor runaway," she replied, giving him a fake smile.

"And proud of it," he shot back at her. "How are dear old mum and dad?"

Bellatrix scoffed. "Happier than they've ever been."

Sirius' nostrils flared as he visably gulped, but continued, "Glad to hear it. That was a very enteraining performance you just gave."

Remus and Peter snickered and James began to clap. "Brilliant," he agreed.

"Shut up!" she growled.

"Shut up...Shut up?" asked Sirius.

He turned to look at his best friends and they all chanted together, "I don't shut up, I grow up. And when I look at you, I throw up!" The four of them made gagging and puking noises as Bella scoffed again, threw her hair over her shoulder, and marched up to the school.

"God, she's almost as much fun as Regulus," chuckled Sirius. "C'mon, let's sit, I gotta add some new items to my list."

The four of them sat in a circle next to the lake.

"James, where's Lil?" asked Sirius as he scribbled an item onto his parchment.

"She said I was distracting her from studying," he grinned.

"Ah," said Sirius. "Okay, done for the day." He held up the parchment in front of his face so the guys could read his additions.

21 - Not allowed to magically wash the hair of hygienically challenged students, even if they are greasy, slimy gits (coughSnivelluscough) and even if I am doing it "for the greater good of the student body."

22 - Not allowed to bribe Hogwarts kitchen house elves into sending the Slytherin table rotten food.

23 - (Next day) Not allowed to bribe Hogwarts kitchen house elves into sending the Slytherin table no food at all.

24 - Not allowed to host an "Inter-house Challenge Slip 'N' Slide Tournament" using the house tables and 147 buckets of water in the Great Hall.

25 - ....................???


Yay, PoA is out on DVD! It seems like only yesterday I went to the sneak preview with 16 other people. We made shirts that said "Got Harry?" on the front and spelled "We Luv Harry Potter" on the backs. They had some guy doing "Harry Potter magic" tricks and asking trivia questions, hehe. I was the only one who knew them all. I think some parts made it the best movie I've ever seen, and some parts made it...well, suck. They really screwed up a lot of things, like spelling "Moony" wrong on the Marauder's Map! "Mooney" is an ice cream brand for God's sake! Heh. But Gary did an amazing job as Sirius, although I still don't think he looks the part. Gary Oldman's one of my favorite actors, but I like it better when he plays bad guys. Well, hope you enjoyed the chapter. More to come! Luv, Liveley

Padfoot Prohibited: A list of things Sirius L. Black is no longer allowed to do or say at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Disclaimer: Yeah, yeah, you all know the drill. I don't own any Harry Potter characters. I do however own the idea/plot for this fic, but it's based on Skippy's list. By the way, if this chapter in any way seems familiar, I took parts of it from an old fanfic I don't use anymore, just in case someone's read it before. Yes, I am plagiarizing myself.

A/N: Thanks for the reviews everyone. I didn't update as soon this time because I had exams. They're over with now, so I'm celebrating a whole month off! Hope you enjoy this chapter. It was one of my favorites in my old fanfic that I will never admit to anyone that I wrote. Warning: this chapter is a bit short. But the next one's already written and it's my favorite chapter, so it'll be a quick update if you all like this one. Be sure to let me know. Enjoy.

Chapter 6 - Prongs' Potion


"Sirius, are you gonna eat that?" asked Peter, eyeing Sirius' bacon with interest.

Sirius was sucking on his quill distractedly, and as Peter prodded his arm, he merely began to scribble onto the parchment in front of him:

26 - Not allowed to accuse Moaning Myrtle of sexual harrassment.

27 - Not allowed to trade Quidditch balls (i.e. the quaffle, bludgers, and snitch...actually James kept the snitch) for inflatable sheep.

28 - Not allowed to release enchanted inflated sheep into the dungeons to test the Care of Magical Creatures Professor's competency in his trade.

29 - Not allowed to die... Seriously, I'm not allowed to die or drown! (especially while testing a potion or swimming in the lake)

A flock of owls suddenly swooped into the Great Hall where most students were finishing up their breakfasts. Sirius spotted his black owl heading for him and let out a sigh.

"Hello, Wheaton."

After Wheaton had landed in his eggs, Sirius untied the Daily Prophet from his leg, glanced at the front page, and then threw it across the table to James.

"Cannons lost again."

"Suprise, surprise," said James, unfolding the paper and scanning the article.

"Sirius?" asked Peter.

Sirius began waving his fingers tauntingly as Wheaton playfully nipped at them.

"Wheaton?" asked Lily. "Where on earth did you get that from?"

Sirius shrugged. "I think it has dignity."

"Sirius?...Sirius?" tried Peter again.

"Jesus Christ, Pete!" snapped Sirius. He threw the bacon onto Peter's plate. "I'll see you on the field, Jay."

Sirius stood and hurried out of the Great Hall. He went straight down to the Gryffindor locker rooms.

"Did ya bring it?" asked Mundungus excitedly as Sirius entered the room.

Sirius put on a smile. "Bring what?"

"The potion, Sirius, the potion!" encouraged Mundungus.

"No, I left it in the dorms. I didn't want James to get suspicious I asked Rolanda to go get--"

Pinching her nose and holding a bottle of bright blue liquid as far away from her as her arm would allow, Rolanda Hooch suddenly burst through the door, her soft gray whipping behind her. "What in the hell is this stuff, Sirius?"

"Wouldn't you like to know," said Sirius, taking the potion from her and bringing an opaque red water bottle down from the shelf in his locker.

He quickly poured the blue stuff into the water bottle and then vanished the potion bottle. He set the red water bottle inconspicuously on a bench between two rows of lockers.

Rolanda and Mundungus were watching Sirius expectantly.

"You'll see. I don't want to give it away."

Mundungus began to laugh excitedly as the rest of the team started to file in, and Sirius gave him a reproachful look.

He spoke in an undertone, "Dung, you're going to give it away! Now am I gonna have to shut you up?" He rose his wand for full effect.

Mundungus shook his head, gave Sirius a smile, and then covered his mouth.

As James strode through the doors, Rolanda, Sirius, and Dung chanced a meaningful glance at each other before routinely changing into their Quidditch robes. James opened the locker next to Sirius' and also began to change.

Sirius picked up the water bottle on the bench and thrust it in front of James. "Here ya go, Jay, I filled your bottle already."

"Thanks, mate," said James as he took the bottle from him. "Everybody ready?" he called after he'd finished dressing. "Alright everyone, listen up."

James took a long swig from the bottle as everyone gathered around him. He made a disgusted face as he swallowed and threw the bottle aside. Rolanda and Mundungus started to crack up and hid behind Sirius as James prepared to give his pre-game speech.

"Now...toes need our really be on to we."

Mundungus and Rolanda suddenly erupted into laughter. Sirius bit his tongue to keep himself from laughing.

"Hell what the?"

Sirius suddenly doubled over holding his stomach, Rolanda was on the floor, and Dung sat on the bench and started to fan his red face.

"Do guys what you did? Right it fix now!"

The rest of the Gryffindor team now joined in on the laughter.

"I'm your ass gonna kick!"

A fresh wave of laughter spread throughout the team. This time James broke down and chuckled with them.

"I'm your ass?! Hahahahahaha!!!!!" choked Mundungus.

James finally realized that if he waited long enough between words, he could fool the potion into thinking he had finished speaking. He said each word one at a time with a sufficient gap inbetween. "Fix...it...now...Black!"

*"Help you, I will!" replied Sirius in his best Yoda voice.

This spurred a new chorus of laughter.*

"You just hafta let it wear off, Jay," said Sirius. "It's a word scrambler potion. Brilliant, huh? How'd it taste?"

James rolled his eyes. "It...tasted...like...arse."

"That would make sense. It smelled like ass, too," said Rolanda.

A few minutes before the match, the potion had worn off and James had turned back into "Drill Sergeant Potter," as Sirius called him.

"Sorry, mate, just thought you needed a little lightening up, ya know?"

"Thanks for caring," replied James coldly.

Sirius winked as a smile slowly crept across James' lips.


A/N: Hope you liked this chapter. I kinda got the idea from the Sheriff of Rottingham in Robin Hood: Men In Tights... "King illegal forest pig wild kill to in it a is!... I mean: don't you know, it is illegal to kill a wild pig in the King's forest!" Hilarious movie. I could just go on quoting that all day along with Monty Python. Let me know if you're interested, lol. (Oh, by the way: Padfoot Prohibited - 1978. Empire Strikes Back - 1980. So kill me. I had to put that line in there, but technically it shouldn't be allowed in a fic that was set 2 years before the movie was made, which is why I put it in italics. Ignore it if you're one of those people that can't stand that sort of thing. I usually can't either, but come on, it fit so nicely : ) Next chapter title: "Quidditch, Marauder Style." See if you can guess what that means. Anyway, please review and tell me what you think. Thanx! Luv, Liveley.

Padfoot Prohibited: A list of things Sirius L. Black is no longer allowed to do or say at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Disclaimer: Yeah, yeah, you all know the drill. I don't own any Harry Potter characters. I do however own the idea/plot for this fic, but it's based on Skippy's list.

A/N: Aw, I'm sorry you guys. I promised I'd update soon and then I didn't get this chapter in by Dec. 21st, which is when Mugglenet shut down for Christmas. Sorry about that. Least it's in time for New Years. Happy New Year, everyone! Enjoy the new chapter!



Chapter 7 - Quidditch, Marauder Style

"The game is Quiddich, kids...strip Quiddich. The rules are simple: four on four, the team that is scored on has to take off an article of clothing until...there isn't anything else to take off." Sirius grinned briefly and winked at Lily, Raven, and Jordan as they stood on the Quiddich pitch in their pajamas with their hands on their hips. "There's no snitch or seeker, no bludgers or beaters. One person from each team has to be the keeper unless you want your ass kicked."

Raven leaned over and spoke out of the corner of her mouth to Jordan and Lily, "I picked a bad night not to wear a bra to bed."

Lily's eyes darted around her for any sign of a teacher. "I'm more worried about getting caught outside."

Sirius continued, "We'll play four goals wins. Four goals, four articles of clothing. For guys, it's robes, shirts, pajama pants and boxers. For girls, it's shirts, bras, pajama pants, and underwear."

Raven made a sound and raised her hand.

Sirius stopped. "Yes, Ms. Ashe?" he played the role of teacher.

"What if we don't...have..." she couldn't find the words, but Sirius knew what she meant. His eyes darted to her chest and she quickly crossed her arms in front of her. "Maybe you should have planned this a little better."

"You sleep in a sweatshirt?" he asked her.

"No," Raven gritted her teeth. "I have a tank top under this, but it's white and it's about to rain."

A smile slowly crept along Sirius' face. "So then for girls, it's shirts, skivvies, pants, and underwear."

"Boxers," she corrected him.

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Ashe, you take all the fun outta life. Aren't you girls supposed to wear some cute little bra with matching underwear to bed?"

"All the girls you've dated must have been secretly hookers," snapped Raven.

"The point is," said James, before Sirius could answer Raven, "everyone has to be wearing only four pieces of clothing. Are we covered? There are three of us who play on the house team, so we need to split up."

Lily immediately clung to James' arm, knowing that since he actually played a chaser, she would have a better chance of staying clothed if she was on his team.

Remus decided he'd be keeper for Raven, Mundungus, and Peter while Lily was forced to be keeper for Sirius, Jordan, and James.

Mundungus started out with the quaffle and threw it to Peter, who dropped it. Dung turned to roll his eyes at Remus while Sirius scooped it up and threw it to James. James expertly dodged through the air as if there were bludgers coming at him and threw the quaffle towards the goal. Remus caught it before it went through the hoops and threw it to Raven. Raven caught it and sped off toward Lily. Jordan sped after her, but Mundungus grabbed onto the back of her, Jordan's, broomstick.

Sirius cut Raven off halfway down the field and flew backwards, facing her. Raven moved to the left and Sirius moved to his right. She moved to her right, and he blocked her moving to his left. She moved to the left again and just as Sirius followed she went into a deep dive underneath him. She came back up from the dive so fast that Lily wasn't ready and the quaffle went through the middle hoop.

"Yow!" yelled Remus from the other end of the field. Peter and Raven joined Remus and Dung, clapping their hands.

Sirius shook his head and shrugged off his robe. James did the same, and then he turned to watch Lily. She lifted her sweatshirt over her head only to reveal a dark blue t-shirt. James sighed. Jordan did the same, thanking Merlin that she had decided to wear a blank tank top underneath.

There was a crack of thunder and the six of them jumped. "Um...should we be playing in this weather?" asked Peter.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .


Albus Dumbledore leaned forward on his fists and spoke quietly and calmly, "And how exactly does one play strip Quidditch?"

The eight of them immediately looked at the ground. It was obvious what they had been doing when he had met them in the entrance hall. They were all in folding chairs scattered in a circle around the headmaster's desk and soaking wet. James, on the far right, was grasping Lily's hand. Lily sat next to him shivering from her damp clothes and shaking nervously. Peter sat next to Lily, clutching his cloak around his naked upper body and blowing his nose into it. Sirius came next, wearing a mischievous smirk that was directed towards Raven Ashe. Raven wore only purple boxer shorts and a white, sodden tank top, but Sirius had taken his sopping wet cloak and draped it around her shoulders. Jordan was at least fully dressed, but was still shivering under her cloak. Remus gave her a sympathetic look as he sat, bare chested with his own cloak drawn around him. Mundungus, on the far left, was also only half dressed, but seemed wide awake and was constantly looking from Raven to Sirius and winking at the latter.

Sirius decided to break the silence. "Well, Professor, it's played exactly the same as regular Quiddich only...you strip when the other team scores a goal," he supplied bluntly.

"Ah," said the headmaster, nodding his head. "Can it only be played at two o'clock in the morning in the middle of a thunderstorm?"

"Um...no, it can be played anytime," responded Sirius, conversationally.

"Sirius, just shut up!" said Lily, glancing nervously at Dumbledore. He was only making things worse.

"Look, Professor," tried Remus, "it was a dare. Sirius dared James, but they needed more players, and then they spotted Raven and Jordan asleep by the fire in the common room, and...and then..." he trailed off as he noticed Dumbledore looking intently at him, as if he were reading his mind.

Dumbledore directed his gaze now to James and Lily. "And what do our Head Girl and Boy have to say about this?"

All of the blood rushed to Lily's face and she squeezed James' hand. James answered for her. "It wasn't Lily's fault, sir. I mean...it won't happen again, Professor."

"I see. Well I would imagine you'll all want to get into some dry pajamas after your hot cocoa." He waved his wand and eight steaming cups of hot chocolate materialized before them. "You may report back here tomorrow night for your detention."

One by one, the eight of them took a mug and filed wordlessly out of his office.

For the second time, Sirius broke the silence on their way back up to Gryffindor Tower. "So we're taking a raincheck then?" he nudged Raven playfully in the ribs.

"You're not funny, Black," she responded coldly.

"I wasn't trying to be funny, Ashe. You really don't like me, huh?"

Raven smiled fakely at him. "What's not to like?"

"So, why have we never gone out?" he asked, slipping his arm around her.

Raven rolled her eyes and quickened her pace to catch up with Remus. "Is he always like this?"

"Pretty much," he answered, shooting a look behind him at Sirius and grinning. "I suppose you get used to it."

"And what if we don't want to get used to it?" teased Jordan, trodding along next to Remus.

"Sorry you two got sucked into this tonight," Remus said, looking from Raven to Jordan.

"Don't be sorry, Remus," said Raven.

"Yeah, it was fun until it started to rain," added Jordan.

They entered the common room and Lily headed straight up to her dorm saying goodnight to James on the way. He turned to the rest of them.

"So...whose turn is it?"

"You do know it's after two in the morning, right?" asked Remus.

"It's Friday, Moony. We can sleep in tomorrow," said Peter as he slumped down in a chair by the fire.

Jordan and Raven had gone to gather their things from a table in the corner where they had fallen asleep before the game.

"So, studying for O.W.L.s?" asked Remus and he helped Jordan gather her History of Magic notes.

"Trying to, anyway," she answered.

Sirius sat next to Raven who was pulling rolls of parchment from around her and stacking them neatly into a pile. "Did it hurt?"

"Raven turned to look questioningly at him. "Did what hurt?"

"When you fell from heaven," he replied, giving her a sexy smile

Raven rolled her eyes. "Yeah, like a bitch," she responded automatically.

"Where?" he asked. "I could kiss it and make it all better for you."

Raven scoffed. "You're offering to kiss my arse then?"

Remus and Jordan snickered. "She's good, Padfoot."

Sirius ignored them. "If need be. Whatever you like," he winked.

"Can you stop that, please?" asked Raven.

"Stop what?"

"Hitting on me. It's not getting you anywhere, okay?

After handing her a stack of notes he had gathered up for her, Sirius pulled his own parchment from his robes and sat at the table. "Mind if I borrow this quill for a second?" he asked.

Raven stared at him. "Did you hear anything I just said?"

Sirius completely ignored her and started to scribble furiously on his parchment:

30 - The staffroom (which is guarded by gargoyles) is not filled with yummy candy and it is wrong to tell first years that it is.

31 - 'To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys' is a bad long term goal to give at career advice.

32 - Any device that can crawl across the table on medium should not be brought into the Great Hall.

33 - Not allowed to play strip Quidditch.

"So, how come you hate my cousin?" asked Sirius as he returned the parchment to a pocket in his robes.

Raven looked at him. "Bellatrix? Why, you got a problem with that?"

"Actually no," said Sirius, "I think that's my favorite thing about you so far."

Raven said nothing.

Sirius continued, "So, what are the chances of the two of us engaging in more than just conversation tonight?"

Raven rolled her eyes again, shrugged off Sirius' wet robe, and handed it to him. "Slim to none."

Sirius perked up. "So you're tellin me there's a chance?"

"Why don't you go on up. I'll be there in a few minutes," she replied.

As Sirius sprinted up to the seventh year dorm, Raven gathered up all her notes and books. "Night, Remus, I'm going to bed."

"Night."

Jordan followed behind Raven. "Goodnight, Remus."

"See you."

Remus, Peter, James, and Mundungus continued up the stairs to their dorm.

As they entered, Sirius called from his four poster bed, "Dammit, Moony! Did you hafta call the game right at that second? One more goal and Raven would have been down to her skivvies!"

"Yes, Padfoot, I had to. The storm was getting worse. Besides, that would have left Wormtail, Dung, and I in our boxers!" he shivered at the thought. "And can you imagine what a little electroshock therapy would have done for your libido?" Remus responded, smirking along with James, Dung and Peter.

Sirius snorted. "Hot to trot!"

"Yeah, the next girl that took him on would light up like a pinball machine and pay off in silver dollars!" laughed Dung.

"Maybe that's why Raven never showed," said Sirius, gloomily.

The five of them laughed loudly as they changed into dry pajamas and fell onto their beds.

A/N: That was just a fun little chapter. Hope you liked it. There may be a few mistakes, but I was in a hurry, so I'll proofread later. I just thought I'd update quick before I had to go to work. Besides, you guys are such good reviewers. Maybe I'll come home to some wonderful reviews, what do you say? Hope you liked this chapter's additions to the list. I'm saving the best for last, so stick with me! Hope y'all had a Merry Christmas and have a Happy New Year! Luv, Liveley.

Padfoot Prohibited: A list of things Sirius L. Black is no longer allowed to do or say at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Disclaimer: Yeah, yeah, you all know the drill. I don't own any Harry Potter characters. I do however own the idea/plot for this fic, but it's based on Skippy's list.

A/N: Thanks for the great reviews, guys. I just started up a new semester of college and I'm trying to fit in four classes in one day so I can have Tuesdays and Thursdays off to work. I'm still adjusting to my schedule, but I think once I'm comfortable with it, i'll have a lot more time on my hands to do homework and write. Thanks again for reading. By the way, just a quick mention so no one gets mad at me, I would have had this chapter out sooner, but we had a slight mishap and Mugglenet thought I was trying to submit two chapters at once. Hopefully they'll okay it this time ... If you're reading this, then they did and I'm very glad! Please review and thank them all, lol.


Chapter 8 -- Diarrhea of the Mouth


"Hey Ashe, I waited for you all night!" Sirius called down the corridor as he spotted Raven and Jordan coming out of charms and retreating in the opposite direction.

Whether Raven didn't hear him, or was pretending not to hear him, Sirius didn't know, but he assumed it was the latter. He shook his head, "Man, that girl sure does hate me."

"But that doesn't bother you at all, right?" asked Remus, giving him a knowing look.

"It's not as if I've never been turned down before, Moony..."

Remus stopped walking and rose his eyebrows at Sirius.

"...It's just that I'm running out of places to hide the bodies."

Remus gave a sarcastic laugh.

"So you think she might like me a little bit?"

Now Remus really laughed. "No."

Sirius just smiled conspiratorially as he and Remus continued on down the corridor to their next class. "She will be mine. Oh yes, she will be mine."

Walking along the dungeon corridor, their pace slowed. Sirius flung out an arm to hold Remus back before they reached the door.

"I don't think I can do this."

Remus sighed. "Sirius, you want to be an Auror."

"Yeah, but--"

"To even qualify for Auror training you have to take potions...remember?"

"Well, you could take notes for me, mate," declared Sirius, clapping Remus on the shoulder.

"I could...but I won't," he responded. "There's always James."

Sirius turned hopefully to James, who was just rounding the corner with Lily. "Jay! Best buddy in the whole world!"

"Trust me, Sirius, you don't wanna skip today," said James, watching Lily enter the potions classroom and beckoning Sirius toward him.

"I...I don't?"

"No, you don't." James reached into a pocket and pulled out several glossy candies. Two were transparent, one blue and one red, and the third was an opaque purple. Each had a wrapper to match. A devious grin slowly spread across Sirius' lips. "How could I have forgotten?"

"Now remember, Padfoot, be convincing!" said James, winking and entering the classroom.

Sirius followed James. His eyes darted around the room and came to rest on Severus Snape, standing only a few feet from the door. He grabbed James's arm roughly and spun him around.

"C'mon, man, give me one! You can't have them all to yourself!"

"Sirius, shh!!!" scolded James, putting on a panicked expression. "Do you want the entire class to find out about them?"

"Well I'm the one who thought of adding the popular potion so everyone'll like us more if we eat them!"

James grabbed Sirius's robes and tugged. "I said shut up!"

"Well then give me one, god dammit!"

"Fine!" James hastily reached into his pocket again, pelted Sirius with a few candies, and turned to take his seat in the back row next to Lily.

Sirius sighed and bent down to pick up the candies, conveniently leaving a purple one unnoticed behind. He popped a red candy into his mouth, and followed James. Snape's eyes lingered on the purple candy.

Sirius sat next to James and stared into his eyes expectantly.

"Wait for it," he replied as he quickly glanced over his shoulder.

Snape casually took a few steps toward the purple candy, and then dropped his bookbag onto it. As he swooped down to retrieve it, James and Sirius smirked mischievously at each other. The purple candy was gone. Snape swept his greasy hair out of his eyes and found his seat a few chairs away from Sirius. He glanced suspiciously over his shoulder at the back row.

Professor Pintaine cleared his throat and flicked his wand at the blackboard. Lazy, slanted writing was now creeping across it, writing the instructions for brewing their potions.

"If you would all begin copying these down now, instead of talking..." he let his voice drift away.

Slytherin and Gryffindor heads all bent down to their parchment as they began to copy the ingredients. Snape's eyes darted to James, as Professor Pintaine strode toward him and chuckled.

"Nice shirt, Potter."

James smiled jovially and nodded his head. "Thank you, Professor." As Pintaine sauntered away, he quickly buttoned his collar shirt again, hiding the "I Luv Potions" t-shirt he had made.

"Wow, it even works on Professors?" asked Sirius curiously. James nodded. "Gimme another one!"

James pretended to hand Sirius another candy, unwrapped his blue one, and put it into his mouth.

Snape hastily reached into his own pocket, found the purple candy, and ate it.

Pintaine was at the head of the classroom again. "Now, can anyone tell me what this potion is used for?"

Snape's hand shot up as did a Slytherin girl in the second row. Professor Pintaine inclined his head to the girl.

"It increases endurance."

Sirius pounded his fist to the desk, and James shook his head at him. "Be patient, Padfoot. Snape'll get the next one.

"Five points to Slytherin..." nodded Pintaine. "And what other names does it go by?..."

Snape's hand again shot into the air. Pintaine inclined his head once again, this time to Snape.

Snape stood and opened his mouth as though searching for words. Then he smiled and said confidently, "I am an ugly slimy git, and only bathe when someone sticks my head down a toilet."

The entire class turned to look at Snape, a few seconds behind James and Sirius, who were already gazing at Snape, looking utterly bewildered.

"E-excuse me?" stuttered Pintaine.

"Sirius Black is without doubt the best looking guy on the entire planet."

James's face contorted into a satisfied smirk as the entire class turned to look at Sirius, who had given James a quick jab in the ribs and burried his nose in his parchment.

"I see..." said Pintaine. "Well, if you'll please continue to copy down the--"

"But I much prefer James Potter, that sultry, robust god amongst men," added Snape hastily.

James face went crimson as the entire class erupted into laughter. Snape, however, seemed to be in a sort of daze, unaware of the hilarity his words were causing among his classmates. The only other student who wasn't joining in on the laughter, was Lily Evans. She was giving James a very suspicious, very intimidating glare.

Professor Pintaine's mouth suddenly became very thin. "Potter, Black, Lupin, would you care to visit the Headmaster?"

Remus rolled his eyes and joined Lily in giving James the death stare.

"Remus didn't do anything, it was only--" started James.

"To the Headmaster..."

"Absolutely," answered Sirius defiantly, happy enough to get out of class. He stood up and popped another red candy into his mouth as he exited the classroom.

James (with Lily "tut"ing after him) and Remus reluctantly followed Sirius out into the corridor. Pintaine returned to the blackboard. "Right class, gather the ingredients for the--"

"Professor Pitstain should really think about using deodorant when he gets up in the morning."
"Sit down Mr. Snape," said Pintaine through clenched teeth.
With that, Snape again took his seat and began to copy down the instructions from the blackboard.

Sirius spit his red candy out the nearest window as the three of them made their way up to Dumbledore's office.

"What the hell was that all about, or don't I want to know?" asked Remus.

James reached into his pocket and pulled out a purple candy. "Hungry, Moony?" He grinned now that Lily was not there to scold him.

Remus looked as though he'd rather jump into the lake and wrestle with a kappa than take what James was offering him. James then removed the blue candy from his mouth and showed it to Remus.

"Snape had the purple, Sirius had a red, and I had this one. Blue and red make purple, get it?"

"Thanks for the tip," Remus replied dryly. "So, if Snape takes the purple one and you idiots eat the other two, you can control what he's saying?"

"Pretty much. What we think, he's forced to say out loud."

"So if you ever wanna get a girl, mate, I got your back," said Sirius, winking at Remus.

Remus snorted. "I'm already visualizing the spellotape over your mouth."

"Doesn't matter, I only have to think it, remember?" replied Sirius.

"So how come Snape had no idea what he was saying?"

"That was my idea," said Sirius proudly. "We put a Cunfundus charm on the purple candy mix before it hardened. Snape was in a sort of daze. He had no idea what was going on around him until both James and I took the candy out of our mouths."

"Well, in the future, you might want to make him say things about someone other than yourselves so I don't get kicked out of class all the time," Remus said.

"Yeah, didn't think about that," laughed Sirius. "It was worth it, though. Besides, we have a date with Dumbledore anyway, to talk about our detention from last night."

"Ah, yet another escapade that was entirely not my fault that I got in trouble for," said Remus, sarcastically, although he was smiling now.

When the three of them returned to the common room, they saw that potions class had already been dismissed. Lily was waiting for James with her hands on her hips and her right foot patting the floor irritably. She swooped down on James as he climbed through the Fat Lady portrait.

"James Potter, what did you do? How could you get sent to Professor Dumbledore's office when we already have a detention from him?"

Sirius rolled his eyes and quickly dodged Lily's gaze, retreating to a table in the corner. Remus and Peter (who had just come from Herbology) followed him.

"Well, it's about time I did my homework." He unfolded his essay and began scribbling immediately:

34 - Not allowed to send Howlers to myself.

35 - Not allowed to start a betting pool as to when Severus Snape will ever take a bath.

36 - Not allowed to make love to any Hogwarts statues.

37 - Not allowed to give Snape candy and then use it to take over his brain and make him say incriminating things.

After allowing Remus and Peter to read "his masterpiece" Sirius folded it and lovingly placed it safely back inside his robes. James and Lily were still going at it. Sirius rolled his eyes.

"See, that's why I never stay with a girl for more than a few weeks," proclaimed Sirius. "They act like they're your mother, and it's bad enough to have one mother, you see what I'm saying?"

Remus now rolled his eyes while Peter laughed.

"You're saying you don't want someone going," Peter's voice changed into a high female-like one, "'Sirius Lee Black, how dare you give Snivelly a boob job?'"

Sirius smiled widely. "Exactly."

"Let me guess, you want her to worship the ground you walk on and praise you for every prank you pull?" asked Remus.

"Yeah! Exactly what I've been telling everyone! I'm really easy to get along with once all you people learn to worship me." He laughed, but then his expression turned sincere. "No, she's entitled to her own opinion, Moony. I just don't want her forcing her opinions onto me."

"Well, all girls do that, don't they?" asked Peter.

Remus ignored Peter. "I can see your point, Padfoot, but I still think you're full of crap."


A/N: Anyone notice that little "Wayne's World" part in there? Sorry, I couldn't resist. My brother is watching it behind me right now. Actually, it's the second one that he's watching, but anyway, I hope you liked the chapter. Only a few more to go! Luv, Liveley.

Padfoot Prohibited: A list of things Sirius L. Black is no longer allowed to do or say at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Disclaimer: Yeah, yeah, you all know the drill. I don't own any Harry Potter characters. I do however own the idea/plot for this fic, but it's based on Skippy's list. There is also a song in this chapter. It's from West Side Story.

A/N: Enjoy the chapter; I got this idea from a particularly good RP session that I saved from a few months ago.

Chapter 9 - Dumbledore Dare


In his admirable haste to lead his fellow marauders to the mischief that awaited them, Sirius took the dorm steps two at a time to get down to the common room. He stopped dead on the last step as his eyes darted to the opposite corner of the room; Lily and Liva were sitting at the table - actually it was more like lying over it. The two of them were red in the face from laughing at Jenelope, who was standing on the table, doing the hokey pokey and singing loudly. The three girls also froze as the boys came to an abrupt halt at the bottom of the stairs. Sirius had stopped so suddenly that James knocked into him, sending him to the floor. Remus ran into James, pushing James to the floor, and as Peter let out a shriek, the four of them were inevitably sprawled at the foot of the boys' stairway.

With no one on top of him, Peter was the first to stand up and start fixing his hair. When they had recovered, Sirius led the way to the corner, smirking at Jenelope, who had frantically jumped from the table as he entered the room.

"Alright, hand over your drugs," Sirius teased.

"Oh shut up, Sirius," said Lily, waving her hand dismissively at him. Jenelope was staring him down, while Liva looked around the room dreamily. "We were just playing a friendly game of truth or dare. What exactly were you doing?"

Sirius crossed his arms in front of him. "I don't have to answer to you, Evans. Direct your questions to my associate, Prongs."

Lily rolled her eyes. "I will not call him by a name no one will tell me the meaning of. James, what were you up to?"

James smiled sweetly at Lily. "Inspecting the halls?" he tried.

"Prefects inspect the halls, mate," said Peter intelligently.

"You're not helping, Wormtail," said James out of the corner of his mouth.

Peter sat at the table opposite Liva. "How do you play truth or dare?"

"If you pick truth you have to answer a question and if you pick dare you have to do a dare, duh Pettigrew," said Liva.

"Well I've never played it before," he replied defensively.

"Dude, we play it all the time," said Sirius, taking the seat opposite Jenelope, "only there's no truth; we just make each other do stupid stuff."

"What do you think you're doing, Black?" shot Jenelope. "You guys aren't playing."

"Oh come on, Nel, you know you wanna play with me," Sirius replied suggestively.

Jenelope cringed at the innuendo. Her words were drowned out by Remus' warning: "Sirius, cool it."

He and James also sat across from the girls.

"So...let's play," said Sirius.

"Fine, but it's my turn," said Jenelope quickly. "I did the last one." Lily and Liva nodded in agreement.

"Okay, go ahead, Jenel," said Remus.

"Sirius, truth or dare?"

Sirius gave Jenelope a sexy smile. "You just wanna dare me to snog you."

"We'll see," she answered him.

"Dare me."

Jenelope grinned maliciously.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

"Toothflossing stringmints."

The stone gargoyle suddenly came to life, winding slowly upward to reveal a set of stone steps that led up to Headmaster Dumbledore's office. Sirius stepped onto the first step as it moved up with a smug look on his face. James, Remus, Peter, Lily, Liva, and Jenelope stood watching him ascend.

Jenelope had a very satisfied look on her face. "Make us proud, Maria," she called as James muttered, "Engorgio!" and slipped his invisibility cloak easily over the six of them.

Sirius put on a fake smile and flicked her off. "Here goes," he said to himself as he rolled his eyes.

Then he began to sing: "I feel pretty... Oh, so pretty... I feel pretty and witty and..." he choked out the next word, "gaaaaaay... And I pity any girlwho isn't me today."

The gargoyle steps had reached the top and were now spinning in the opposite direction taking Sirius down again as he started to get into it. "I feel charming... Oh, so charming... It's alarming how charming a feel... And so pretty...that I hardly can believe I'm real."

As the steps reached the bottom where they started, since there was still someone standing on them, they wound upward once again. "See that pretty girl in that mirror there? Who could that attractive girl be? Such a pretty face. Such a pretty dress. Such a pretty smile. Such a pretty meeeeee--"

"Ahem."

Professor Dumbledore had opened his office door just as the gargoyle steps returned to the top again and stopped moving. He was wearing a bright blue onesie with footies and spackled with flecks of silver. His beard was braided and then tied in a knot. Sirius just smiled almost lovingly at the Headmaster.

"Please come in, Mr. Black."

Sirius reluctantly went into Dumbledore's office and made himself comfortable. He knew the office too well by now. Dumbledore sat across from him and looked into his gray eyes expectantly. Sirius furrowed his eyebrows.

"Yes, Professor?"

"Well, first of all, thank you for the lullaby, Sirius."

"Uh, you're welcome, Headmaster," said Sirius, fighting the urge to smirk.

"Was there some other reason you came to my office?"

"No, Professor."

"Good then. You may go back to bed now," Dumbledore stood from his chair, "...I double dare you..."

The Headmaster gave a curt nod to Sirius, turned, and shut the door. Sirius could hear him whistling the next verse of "I Feel Pretty" to himself as the lock clicked.

He smiled inwardly and returned to the common room with everyone. Jenelope seemed to be upset that he had not gotten a week's worth of detentions. While everyone was still laughing at the dare he'd just done, Sirius pulled out his essay and scribbled a few more items:

38 - Not allowed to annonymously offer a dating service to Slytherins and then set them up with their brothers/sisters.

39 - Not allowed into the girls' dormitories.

40 - Not allowed within 20 feet of the girls' dormitories.

41 - Not allowed to even set foot on the entire left half of the common room (which leads to the girls' dormitories).

42 - Not allowed to turn Severus Snape's clothes pink and expect to get out of detention by arguing that pink is definitely his color or that men love pastels on a woman.

43 - Not allowed to bang my head against a desk until I become disoriented and wander into the girls' bathrooms.

44 - Not allowed to put a charm on certain Slytherins so that rainbow colored foam comes out of their mouths everytime they try to speak.

45 - Not allowed to ride Dumbledore's gargoyle stairway up and down singing "I Feel Pretty" until he comes out of his office and asks me to stop.

A/N: Omg, I luv it when guys sing that song. You want to watch Anger Management right now, don't you? Sorry, I couldn't resist. I used to do marauder RP's where we'd either play truth or dare or strip quidditch! Haha. That's how I get all my ideas. Hope you liked the chapter. Should I do some more truth or dare for the next chapter??? Please let me know what you thought. Sorry this chapter was so short. I gave you extra list items to make up for it. The next update will come soon providing I don't have problems with Mugglenet. Please leave me a review! Luv, Liveley.

Padfoot Prohibited: A list of things Sirius L. Black is no longer allowed to do or say at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Disclaimer: Yeah, yeah, you all know the drill. I don't own any Harry Potter characters. I do however own the idea/plot for this fic, but it's based on Skippy's list.

A/N: Wow, no complaints about the Truth or Dare thing? I was expecting at least some since it's sort of a cliche topic...but a fun one to write! So I will continue with it. Enjoy!



Chapter 10 - Blue Moon...y


Sirius was sitting quite pompously on top of the table in the corner of the Gryffindor common room with his legs crossed. Jenelope was giving him the stink eye. He pretended to be deep in thought, but when he caught her staring at him, he smiled toothily at her and licked his lips.

"Jenelope," he said, now raising his eyebrows at her.

Jenelope's dirty look turned into a pleading one. "Sirius, don't be a prick."

"Payback time. Truth or dare?"

She gave him a look of pure hatred. He knew she was as much of a daredevil as he was. If she picked truth, he would know she was afraid of him. Neither Sirius or Jenelope ever picked truth. Jenelope just thought that truth was boring and made it a point to always pick dare. Everyone assumed this was also Sirius' reason in never picking truth. But they were wrong. Sirius was afraid of what people might ask him, afraid (because they always put a truth spell on the room before starting a game) of what he might say, and that's why he always chose dare.

Jenelope did not know this, and, narrowing her eyes on him, she wasn't going to let him intimidate her. "Dare."

Sirius smiled ever so sweetly and in one quick movement was seated on the bench next to her. "You have a choice: me or Peter."

She didn't flinch. "Excuse me?" Peter's head jerked up from the table where he was trying to get a look at someone's charms essay that had been abandoned.

"Do you wanna snog me or Peter?"

Peter went red and fell backwards off the bench.

"Sirius!" cried Lily and Liva at once. But he ignored them, fixing his eyes on Jenelope.

She answered him shakily, "Sloppy seconds aren't my style, Black."

"Well, I'm not asking you to shag me, now am I?"

Jenelope's nostrils flared and she stood up rigidly.

Sirius looked up at her, drumming his fingers on the space of bench in front of him. "I'm waiting."

"Fine!" she said shakily. Sirius rose an eyebrow. "...but in private." The other eyebrow now arched.

He grinned as he stood up. "Follow me."

They went up to the boys dorm lavatory, since the seventh year dorm was still occupied by the other, less-mischievous, sleeping Gryffindors. Sirius led the way in and, as Jenelope closed the door, he leaned up against the counter where there were a line of sinks and soap dispensers.

"You do like your privacy, don't you?" he said, growing a smile across his face.

"Let's just get it over with, Black." Jenelope closed the distance between them, yanked down on his shirt, and began kissing him roughly.

Sirius was taken aback slightly, but recovered with record speed, sliding his tongue into her mouth and turning so that she was now up against the counter.

As she drew back for breath, he let out a small chuckle. "Forgot you liked it a bit rough."

Although she again rolled her eyes at him, this time she was smiling. "Sirius, shut up."

He smiled back. "I've discovered the best way to shut you up is to kiss you."

"Isn't that what we're supposed to be doing up here?" she asked.

"Yeah, but you could have been doing it with Peter."

She wrinkled her nose. "And if I had chosen Peter?"

"I would have been insanely jealous and would have come up here anyway to throw him out and save you from his slobber."

She giggled. "To replace it with your own?"

"Naturally." They kissed again, more fervently.

Down in the common room, the remaining five were sort of shifting their gazes from one person to the next, with extremely annoyed looks on their faces.

"Gods, James, sometimes your best friend can be a real asshole," said Lily, more than slightly perturbed.

James scoffed and put his hands to his hips. "Lily, if you ever call Peter an asshole again, you can just forget about being my girlfriend."

"Oh really, James?" She rose her eyebrows questioningly at him.

His hands dropped to his sides. "No."

"I meant Sirius."

"I know. Did you expect me to disagree with you?"

It had been twenty minutes since Sirius and Jenelope headed for the stairs.

"He's just using her," whined Liva. "It's the same thing all over again. He gives her a little bit of attention, and she's head over heels again until the next week when she catches him in the broom cupboard with a fifth year Ravenclaw and swears she could never like Sirius Black ever again."

"I'd say he's probably giving her more than a "little bit" of attention just now," supplied Remus, dryly.

Lily and Liva groaned. Peter suppressed a laugh.

"Well can't anyone control him?" begged Liva.

"Sirius doesn't understand what he's doing. He...has selective sight. He only sees what he wants to see," explained Remus.

They sat in silence for the next five minutes. Then Liva shifted in her chair. "Well, honestly..."

She broke off because they finally heard someone coming down the boys steps. Jenelope reached the bottom first, with a whimsical look on her face. Sirius came behind her. He was positively glowing. James turned to Remus and rolled his eyes. They sat on the bench as closely as possible to each other.

"Well, I can't remember when I've had more fun, but if you'll excuse me, I'm going to bed," said Lily, heatedly.

"Lil, sit down," said Jenelope.

"Yeah, Evans, nothing happened. I was showing her my...toothbrush," tried Sirius.

"Oh yeah?" she narrowed her eyes on him and then turned to Jenelope. "What color is it?"

"...Black," answered Jenelope.

"Black? I've never seen a black toothbrush before," said Liva.

"I know," answered Jenelope, "that's why I asked to see it."

"Uh-uh, whatever, it's your turn, Jenel," said Lily.

"Oh right." She snapped out of it. "Lupin?"

Remus' head jerked up. "Uh...yeah?"

"Truth or dare, Remus."

"Oh...crap. Dare."

Remus also tended to avoid truth questions, just in case anyone decided to ask him if he turned into a vicious monster once a month or something like that. That is, if he was playing with people other than his animagi best friends.

Sirius was currently in the clouds, scribbling items on his list:

46 - Not allowed to start a nudist colony in the prefect's bathroom on weekends.

47 - Not allowed to offer sex ed classes to first through third years and other older "teenagers full of angst" who feel they are "lacking in carnal knowledge."

48 - Not allowed to imply that "Dad" (Professor Dumbledore) is "getting lucky" with "Mom" (Professor McGonagall) tonight in the middle of Transfiguration.

49 - Not allowed to hum "Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye as I walk past Professor McGonagall ("Mom") and Professor Dumbledore ("Dad") "conversing" in a "strictly professional" manner in the hallway.

50 - Not allowed to charm Hogwarts statues to kick all Slytherin's "where the sun don't shine" as they pass by.

Jenelope smiled. "I dare you to..." she thought for a moment, "go down to the entrance hall..."

Remus flinched and gave her an intimidating stare - well, intimidating for him anyway.

"Ya know that suit of armor by the giant picture of Yanni the Yeti?"

"Um...yeah..." he said uneasily.

"Yeah, go down to the entrance hall, and beg the suit of armor to take you back."

"Er, what?"

"Ya know, like you were having a relationship with it and it broke up with you and you're just so devastated, that you're begging it to take you back," she explained.

"Right..." he said, smiling a bit. "Okay. Any volunteers to distract Pringle and Mrs. Norris?"

"Sirius and I could--" started Jenelope.

With a sharp prod from Lily, James interrupted her. "I'll do it, mate."

As James went under his cloak to head off the caretaker and cat, Sirius consulted the Marauder's Map and let everyone else down safely to the entrance hall. There were two suits of armor, one on either side of the Yeti painting.

"Um...which one?" asked Remus.

"Whichever you find more attractive, stud," said Sirius, sarcastically. Remus rolled his eyes and grinned.

"And make it convincing or you'll have to tell the other one you're having its baby," threatened Jenelope.

"Oh my God," said Remus as he quickly strode up to the apparently more attractive suit of armor on the right side of the Yeti.

He walked up to it, took a deep breath, then dug in his robes for a piece of parchment. When he found a spare bit, he pulled it out and stuck it in front of the suit of armor's head.

"Oh, so this is how you break up with me, huh?"

"Heh," laughed Sirius.

Remus continued, pretending to read the note, "'Oh, but can we still be friends?' After all we had together, you're telling me it's over just like that? How can you do this to me?"

The rest of them started to giggle. "You gotta do better than that, Lupin," warned Jenelope.

"Billyyyy!" Remus pretended to cry, grasping the the statue's arm. "I thought...I thought we were going to be together forever! Don't you remember?"

"Billy?" whispered Peter. Sirius shrugged in response.

"You told me you loved me!..." He was freely adding bogus sobs now. "And I believed you!... I am so stupid!... Why, God? Why???" He sank to his knees for full effect.

"You said I was your love bunny! Didn't I mean anything to you?" Remus looked lovingly into the slit in the helmet where the eyes should be behind it and waited for an answer. "...Fine. I can take a hint," he said, getting back to his feet. "Goodbye forever, Billy!"

With that, Remus turned on his heel and walked back up to the common room without a word to anyone.

Sirius followed behind him through the portrait hole. "Love bunny, huh?"

A/N: Did I ever tell you that I get my inspiration from movies and RPs? Well, I do. Free Sirius icons to anyone who knows what I got "Billyyyy!!!!" from. "I should have made love to you when I had the chance!" Thank you all so much for your great reviews! I feel compelled to warn you that there are only a few chapters left. I might try a sequel, but I'm not too sure if I'll have time right now, so I was wondering what you guys thought. I was trying to think of some type of list I could have running throughout it like I do in this fic to tie them together. I was also debating on a Sirius/Raven relationship, but there's a slight risk she would develop into a Mary Sue, which I hate, but don't seem to notice if I'm the one doing the writing. Another idea I had was Sirius with another character, who is the girlfriend of... damn, I don't wanna give it away... the girlfriend of someone he definitely doesn't get along with. If you have an opinion on any of that, please share it in a review. Thanks for reading! Luv, Liveley.

Padfoot Prohibited: A list of things Sirius L. Black is no longer allowed to do or say at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Disclaimer: Yeah, yeah, you all know the drill. I don't own any Harry Potter characters. I do however own the idea/plot for this fic, but it's based on Skippy's list.

A/N: Yeah...major blockage when I wrote this chapter. I couldn't think of a single idea, so it's probably crap. Better crap than making you wait a month for a better chapter, I thought. Nothing like dissuading you from reading this, right? Okay, this chapter has Sirius Black in it...still with me? (Haha!) See, anything with Sirius Lee Black in it is worth reading, I think! I needed to update before I go on Puppet Retreat this weekend, which I am so excited about. You don't know what I'm talking about, but I don't really care, haha. Please leave a review and tell me how much this chapter sucks.

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Chapter 11 - Ooh, Barracuda

James was staring anxiously at the entrance to the Great Hall. All fifth and seventh years were present, sitting at their respective House tables. Dumbledore was standing in front of the staff table, waiting for everyone to quiet down. As Sirius entered and gave James a brief, but triumphant thumbs up, he sighed and winked at Peter and Remus. Sirius joined them at the table, then joined James in continuing to stare at the entrance.

Dumbledore cleared his throat. "If you would please settle down, there is some information we must convey to you about your upcoming O.W.L's for fifth years and N.E.W.T.'s for seventh years. They begin tomorrow..."

The Headmaster continued talking as James's and Sirius's eyes lit up. Snape was still shoving random papers back into his bag as he came around the corner. As soon as he stepped into the Great Hall, a song filled the air...

"So, this is the end, I saw you again...today! I had to turn my heart away! Smiled like the sun, kisses for everyone! And tails - it never fails!"

Everyone froze. They all looked behind the Headmaster, who looked just as confused as they were. It sounded as though it had come from behind him; it was a woman's voice.

Dumbledore cleared his throat. "As I was saying, the..."

No one was listening. They were all talking amongst themselves, except for four Gryffindors. Sirius, James, Peter, and Remus were staring at Snape and grinning. Taking out his wand, Sirius muttered something and one of Snape's papers flew out of his bag and back outside the entrance. Noticing, he went to retrieve it. As he stepped back inside the Great Hall, the song filled the room once more...

"You lyin so low in the weeds. I think you gonna ambush me! You got me down down down down on my knees...now don't ya, Barracuda?"

The exact same thing happened as before: everyone turned to Dumbledore, who, this time, looked down at his feet.

"Charming," said Dumbledore, and he continued informing them about their exams.

Again, Sirius pulled out his wand and again one of Snape's papers flew out of his bag and back to the spot on the floor. He grumbled to himself and retrieved it...

"And if the real thing don't do the trick, you better make up somethin quick! You gonna burn burn burn burn burn it to the wick...now aren't ya, Barracuda! Oooh, yeah!"

This time Dumbledore had figured out what triggered his socks to burst into song. "Please sit down, Severus," he said, before Sirius had a chance to levitate another of Snape's papers out of the room again.

Snape took his seat with the deepest color of red in his cheeks.

The rest of the meeting went as planned. Afterward, Professor Dumbledore called Sirius up to him. He sat, taking off his shoes and looking at his socks interestedly.

"Nothing like a good pair of singing socks, wouldn't you agree, Sirius?"

"I would, Professor," smiled Sirius, confidently.

"Do you think Severus Snape would agree?"

____________________________________________________________________________

Sirius pulled up a chair next to her in the common room and sat in silence for a moment. She did not look up at him or make any sign that acknowledged his presence.

Sirius cleared his throat and leaned closer to her, getting a look at what she was so deeply immersed in: history of magic notes. "Need any help with that?" he said into her ear.

She turned a page but still did not look up. "Thank you, but no."

Sirius sighed and quickly snatched the notebook from her lap.

Her head snapped up and she lunged for it, but Sirius kept it well out of her grasp. "Give me that, Black!"

"How come you don't like me?" he said, staring her in the face and dangling her notebook above his head with one hand.

She rolled her eyes and pulled out her wand. "What makes you think I don't like you? Accio notebook!" Her notebook soared from his relaxed grip and into her outstretched hand.

"Well you never talk to me in the halls, and..." he lifted her chin so she was forced to look at him, "you never even look at me."

He took advantage of the fact that she was staring at him so incredulously and once again swiped the notebook from her lap, lept up quickly, and sat back down upon it, smirking at her the entire time.

"God dammit, Black! Can't you just leave me alone?"

"Not until I get some answers."

"I have a lot of work to do! O.W.L.'s start tomorrow! Please, Sirius."

He smiled cheekily at her. "What are you gonna do for me, Ashe?"

She jumped from her seat quickly. "You wanna know why I don't make an effort to talk to you?"

"Sure. Lay it on me."

"This is why. Can't you just have a normal conversation with a girl? If you want to be my friend, that's fine..." She hesitated, but decided to just get it out. He needed to hear it from someone. "But if you're just trying to sleep with me, then give it a rest. I'm not interested in being just another notch on your broomstick...got it?"

Sirius swallowed hard, got up from his chair, and handed her charms notebook back to her. "I was offering to help you, Raven."

"Right. And I said I didn't need any." She took it from him, staring him in the face.

He took a step closer. "You are direct, aren't you?"

"No more direct than you are," she swept past him and started to pack books and rolls of parchment and notes into her bag.

Sirius sighed and watched her black hair flowing behind her as she quickly trudged up the stairway to the girls dorm. He could go after her. He knew that being a boy, he wasn't allowed in the girls dorms, and if he tried to force entry, the stairs would change into a slide, making them impossible to climb. But obviously, Sirius Black had ways of getting around this tiny detail. The stairs could obviously not refuse to let animals into the dorm even if they were male, considering that it would be absurd to only allow the girls to bring female pets.

He normally would have gone after her; girls like it when you chase them. But something she said stung him. Since it was true, he couldn't figure out why he was so bothered by it. He had a reputation of being something of a ladies' man...okay, that was putting it lightly. But until now, it never occured for him to mind. He actually encouraged the rumor. If girls thought he was just going to dumb them after a few weeks, or even days, that only made the job easier for him. However, he hadn't actually been with as many girls as everyone thought; only James knew the truth. For some strange reason he really wished Raven knew the truth as well. But she'd never believe him if he told her.

He sat back down in one of the chairs by the fire. He sat on something. Snatching it out from underneath him, he saw that it was a page from her charms notes. This would give him an excuse to go after her, he thought. He glanced at the neat scribble on the page. It was filled with notes on cheering charms. He knew very well that cheering charms were on his O.W.L. two years ago. He folded the parchment and decided against it. She's probably asleep. He'd give it to her at breakfast.

But Raven wasn't at breakfast. Sirius looked up and down the Gryffindor table twice. It wasn't hard to miss her best friend, Jordan, who was sitting right next to Remus. They were deep in a discussion about switching spells. He decided he'd ask her.

"So where's your friend?"

She looked up at him, but apparently deciding to play dumb, rose an eyebrow. "Which one?"

"Um, you know, the hot one," Sirius answered.

Jordan let out a quick laugh and the surveyed him through furrowed brows. "And to think she actually felt a little bit bad about what she said to you last night."

"She did? Is that why she's not at breakfast?"

"She's not at breakfast because I couldn't wake her up this morning."

"Huh?"

"She stayed up so late studying, she told me to wake her up five minutes before our first exam."

Encouraged by the fact that she had felt bad about what she said so bitingly the night before, Sirius jumped up quickly. "I'll wake her up, don't you worry!" He started out of the hall.

"No, Black, wait!" Jordan looked worriedly at Remus. "She'll kill me."

"Sirius, don't--" called Remus.

But Sirius had already reached the end of the table and was quickly climbing the staircase to the seventh floor and into the Gryffindor common room. Making sure there was no one around, he transformed into the giant, black dog and trotted quickly up the steps leading to the girls dorm. When he got to the fifth landing, he transformed again and knocked on the two giant oak doors.

"Oh please let her be in her skivvies," he thought to himself. There was no answer...so he entered, peering cautiously around the door, ready to shield his eyes if he had to. "Raven?" he asked into the room uncertainly.

There was a moan from the opposite side of the room and Sirius crossed hesitantly to Raven's four poster bed, where she lay sprawled on her stomach, her hair swallowing up the pillow and face beneath it.

"Maybe I should go," he thought. But before he had time to even think about leaving, Raven sat suddenly bolt upright, staring straight at him questioningly. Her blankets fell down to her lap and Sirius was disappointed to see that she was only mildly indecent, wearing a black tank top.

"Wha..." Sirius jumped. "Hi."

"What are you doing in here?" she said, swatting at her long hair to get it out of her face, and pulling the blankets that had fallen down back up to her neck.

"I...you...sorry if I scared you."

"I could feel someone watching me. How did you even get up here?"

"Oh, I have my ways," said Sirius, mysteriously.

"I can see that. I can also see that what I said to you last night has made no impression whatsoever. I still need to know what you're doing in my dormitory."

Sirius held up the bit of folded parchment that was her cheering charms notes. "You left this in the common room. I thought you might need it, cheering charms were on my O.W.L.'s."

Raven took the parchment and stared back at him. "So you just thought you'd come bring it and get into bed with me or something?"

"The thought had crossed my mind," he teased. He wasn't quite sure whether she knew he was joking or not. "Actually, I just wanted to talk to you about..."

"Look, I wasn't trying to give you a hard time, okay? Sometimes I just say whatever is in my head without even thinking about it much. It's a curse."

Sirius smiled charmingly at sat at the foot of her bed. "I think that's my favorite thing about you so far."

Raven did the eye roll. "Sirius, get off my bed."

"Why do you avoid people?"

"I don't avoid people," replied Raven, straightening up in her bed and combing through her long hair with her fingers.

"You do. I just figured it out. I never even noticed you until this year, you're rarely at breakfast, and the only time I've really seen you is inbetween classes when you're talking to Remus or when you decide to study by yourself in the common room in the middle of the night."

"I just don't like distractions, alright?"

"You don't like people," Sirius generalized, raising his eyebrows at her.

Raven sighed at looked at him searchingly. "I don't trust people."

Sirius seemed slightly taken aback. He hadn't expected her to say that. How can you trust no one? "You can trust me."

Raven smirked. "I can't trust anyone."

"You trust Remus. I know you do. You two always look like you're deep in a conversation when I happen to wander back into the common room every night."

"Okay, I trust Moony," she admitted.

Sirius stared at her questioningly. "Why..." he cleared his throat, "why would you call him, uh, Moony?"

Raven was saved from having to answer him by the arrival of a terribly bad-tempered-looking Professor McGonagall.

"Black! What in the name of Merlin are you doing in the fifth year girls dormitory?!"

Sirius over-balanced and fell backwards off of Raven's bed in his surprise. "Wha..." he started, getting to his feet, "How did you even know I was up here?"

"None of your business," she responded dissmissively. "I was informed by another fifth year student. I don't even want to know how you got up here, I just want you out!" She turned to Raven. "Ms. Ashe, I'm surprised at you!"

Raven merely smiled and narrowed her eyes on McGonagall. "Thank you."

Sirius stepped forward. "She didn't do anything. She was asleep. I came to giver her back some charms notes I borrowed last night."

"A little late to be perusing fifth year charms notes, wouldn't you say? Your N.E.W.T.'s start in half an hour."

"Tell me about it," answered Sirius conversationally, running a hand through his black hair.

"Out!" she said, pointing at the door.

"Yes, Mum." Giving Raven a farewell glance, Sirius stepped out onto the staircase. Not daring to take his dog form as McGonagall was sure to follow directly behind him, Sirius whooped happily as he slid down the stone slide that had once been the staircase. Coming to the bottom, he rolled over himself and landed slightly painfully on his bottom. He got up, rubbing his butt to watch Professor McGonagall also slide down the slide - obviously not bothering to wait for it to change back into stairs - clearly enjoying herself. She landed more gracefully than Sirius, not falling on her backside, but found her footing just in time and stood.

"Sirius, I would have thought by now your mischief would have started to tamper off."

Sirius smiled inspite of himself. "Apparently not, Professor."

"Apparently not," she agreed. "Stop being so much like...well, so much like yourself! Detention, my office, tonight at--"

Sirius interrupted her, "But Professor, it's Quidditch--"

"Oh what's the point anyway?" It was Professor McGonagall's turn to interrupt. "There are only a few weeks left of school and if you haven't learned better by now..." She gave him an appraising look and then smiled. "Well, good luck on your exams, Black."

Sirius grinned widely at her. "Thank you, Professor."

Before going back down to breakfast, Sirius pulled a worn piece of parchment and quill from his robes. He sat at the nearest table and scribbled, smiling to himself:

51 - Not allowed to tell Lily Evans thanks for last night in front of James Potter and therefore provoke the latter to hex me.

52 - Not allowed to hand out my old, soiled socks to fifth or seventh year girls as good luck charms on their O.W.L.'s or N.E.W.T.'s.

53 - Not allowed to charm Dumbledore's socks to sing "Barracuda" whenever Severus Snape walks into the same room as him.

54 - Not allowed to be myself.

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The song was, "Barracuda" by Heart (1977).

A/N: Yes, I know, I know...not as funny as it usually is...it's complete crap...give me something more than that, okay? Thanx for the great reviews, you have all been and continue to be wonderful to me! Luv, Liveley.

Padfoot Prohibited: A list of things Sirius L. Black is no longer allowed to do or say at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Disclaimer: Yeah, yeah, you all know the drill. I don't own any Harry Potter characters. I do however own the idea/plot for this fic, but it's based on Skippy's list. Special note for this chapter – information about Billywigs was taken from Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, page 4.

A/N: Hi there. I'm in a weird mood tonight, so please forgive me. My computer is dead. After my own personal computer genius, Vinny, is finished giving it mouth-to-mouth, I will update the next chapter. Not sure how long it will be. I'm at work updating this, which I'm not supposed to do, but I didn't want yous guys to get mad at me. It would be lovely if you would all leave me a review so that when I can get on a computer, I will be utterly bombarded with alert emails and I will smile and giggle and think they were worth the wait. Muchas gracias!

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Chapter 12 - Purple Hazing

"Dammit, Sirius, that was my foot!" exclaimed James from underneath his invisibility cloak.

"I know that was your foot, Prongs," replied Sirius with sarcasm. "That's why I stepped on it. I often go around stepping on my best friends' feet. I'm just that crafty."

"Hey, Sirius, can I borrow your face for a couple days? My ass is going on holiday," retorted James.

Sirius scoffed. "Merlin, that was an old comeback. Maybe you should--"

Remus cut him off. "Would you both shut the hell up? It's the middle of the night and we're in the dungeons. Do you want to die stupid?"

"Yes!" responded James and Sirius in unison.

"Dumb question. I really don't want to get kicked out of school in the last week, okay?"

"Moony, they wouldn't kick you out. You're too perfect," said Peter.

"Talk about a teacher's pet," James added.

Remus rolled his eyes. "I'm not the one who's Head Boy."

"You're right. You're just the one who's foaming at the mouth once a month, and Dumbledore takes pride in the fact you've been able to keep it hidden and get a normal education," said James.

"But I haven't kept it hidden well enough, obviously."

“Yes you have, Moony,� said Peter. “In seven years here, only the three of us know, right?�

“More people know than that,� Remus answered.

“The slimy git Snivellus knows, but that’s it,� supplied Sirius with a scowl. “And we showed him.�

“No it’s not.�

Peter, James, and Sirius stopped walking under the cloak and surveyed their best friend.

“What? Who knows besides us?� inquired Peter.

“…Raven knows.�

“Raven? Raven Ashe? That chick who hates my guts? You told her? Alright, what’s going on between you two? Is this why you won’t fix me up with her? You want her for yourself, is that it?� cried Sirius.

“Shut it, Sirius,� said James, holding the Marauder’s Map out in front of him and carefully watching for approaching dots. “How does she know?�

“I told her.�

“Why?� asked Sirius and Peter together.

“I can’t tell you.�

Sirius was getting angry. “Why the hell not?�

“It’s not my thing to tell. It’s hers. I just thought it would help her out if she knew my situation, okay?�

“You thought it would help her out if she knew? What’s that supposed to mean? …Is she a werewolf?� asked Sirius.

“No,� said Remus simply.

“Well if you don’t like her and you’re good friends with her, can’t you put in a good word for me?� pleaded Sirius.

“No,� replied Remus. “My powers can only be used for good.�

“Let’s just drop it. Moony trusts her, so that’s that,� tried James.

“No it’s not! I want to know what Raven—“

“Shh!� said Peter suddenly pointing to the map James was still carrying.

A small dot labeled Twyla Jenner was making its way straight toward the cluster of four dots labeled Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew, Sirius Black, and James Potter. James, Remus, and Peter quickly glanced at Sirius.

“What?� he demanded.

“You dated her last year,� said James.

“Yeah, so?� There was a moment’s silence in which the three others stared Sirius down. “Oh fine.�

Sighing, Sirius threw the cloak off of himself and headed down the corridor. They heard his coaxing, sugary-sweet voice float back to them as he spoke to Twyla.

“Hey, Twyla! Wow, nice shirt.�

Peter chuckled quietly and spoke in hushed tones. “What he means is, nice t—“

“We know what he means, Peter,� said Remus.

Sirius continued after a series of flattered giggles. “I was just coming to find you. Come with me, I want to show you something.�

Remus, Peter, and James heard footsteps coming towards them and held their breath under the cloak as Sirius (giving the space of wall he knew they were invisibly pressed against the look of death) passed them with his arm around Twyla.

The three of them snickered when they knew they were out of earshot. They continued along through the labyrinth of dungeon passages until they came to a bare, stone wall.

“Oh shit,� voiced James. “Sirius is the only one who knows the password.�

The three of them sighed and sank to the floor along the wall with the cloak still draped about them and watched the map for Sirius’s return.

After a few minutes, Peter pointed to the map. “What’d he do? Punch her out?�

“What?� asked James and Remus.

“Look.� Peter pointed to where the two dots labeled Sirius and Twyla were moving into the hospital wing.

“I wouldn’t put it past him,� joked Remus.

Sure enough, a few seconds later, Sirius’s dot was returning to the dungeons while Twyla’s remained in the hospital wing with another dot, Madam Pomfrey.

“Couple of geniuses I got for best friends,� Sirius’s voice rang out as the three of them stood again. “How long did it take you boneheads to realize you sent the only one who knows the password to head off a girl?�

“About the same amount of time it took for us to realize that you had the I.Q. of lint, Padfoot,� responded James coolly.

“That’s rich, Potter. See if I tell you the password now.�

“Fine, it was your bloody idea anyway, Black!�

Remus and Peter exchanged looks and rolled their eyes at James and Sirius’s attempt of fooling the other into thinking that they were mad by the use of their surnames.

“Keep your panties on, both of you,� said Remus.

“If we’re going to do this, then let’s do it,� added Peter. “I’m tired.�

“Why were you two in the hospital wing?� asked James.

“She got sick,� answered Sirius with a shrug.

“You made her sick?� asked Peter.

“No, I didn’t make her sick! She was PMSing or something, I guess. She said she had cramps.� Sirius wretched. “Don’t know why she told me all that.�

The four of them chucked. Then, putting a finger to his lips, Sirius gave the password, “Superior Magical Rank,� and an opening appeared in the wall, leading into the Slytherin Common Room.

The four of them suddenly became rather businesslike. They each made their own contributions in the dorms of the slumbering Slytherins.

Peter was simply going around to various four poster beds and, with much difficulty, turning random students’ pajamas lilac-purple.

“But purple’s the color of royalty, mate. They’d probably take that as a compliment,� Sirius pointed out.

“Ooh, do some pink ones,� suggested James. “Or pink and purple polka-dot.�

James was happily enchanting all the spare rolls of toilet paper to fly around the room and spell out things like, “I heart muggle borns,� “Gryffindors are sexy,� and other, more...obscene phrases.

Sirius was busy filling small bowls with warm water and placing them on the nightstands next to certain four poster beds. Lifting his brother Regulus’s hand carefully from his side and placing his fingertips gently into the bowl of water, Sirius coaxed urgingly, “There you go, my dearest Reggy-poo…nice warm water…loosens everything up.�

“What are you doing?� whispered Peter in confusion.

“It’ll make them wet their beds,� said Sirius, semi-intelligently. “Trust me; works like a charm.�

Sirius joined Peter in smiling deviously down at his brother and then continued to do the same for the Slytherins he hated most.

Remus was the last to finish his task. From inside his robes, he took out a small cage, which he then enlarged. Inside were tiny, bright blue Billywigs, twirling their helicopter wings lazily to keep afloat in the cage. Making sure the curtains were drawn around some of the four posters, Remus released one Billywig per bed in the hopes that the sleeping Slytherins would get stung and wake up roaring with laughter on the ceiling.

“Ah-ha-ha, cleaver, Moony,� commented James as the four of them made their way back down to the Slytherin common room.

“What do they do?� asked Peter.

“They’re Billywigs,� said Remus. “They’re from Australia. If you get stung by one, they cause giddiness and levitation.�

“Oh,� said Peter, not having quite processed Remus’s answer, “okay.�

Now they started to work on the common room itself. They transformed all the gothic snake statues into actual roaring Gryffindor lions; they charmed the paint on the walls to glow bright purple; they hung crimson and gold banners and streamers. The miscellaneous portraits on the walls they transformed into portraits of cute, baby bunnies and other lovable, furry animals, menacing looking clowns, Captain Kangaroo, Sirius’s mum—

James did a double-take and jumped clean out of his socks. “Sirius, what the hell?�

Sirius gazed fondly at the very unflattering portrait of his mother that he’d just transformed and shrugged, giving James a sideways smile. “What? Scares the living piss out of me.�

The four of them chuckled before Remus came to his senses. “Padfoot, you better change that back or they’ll have concrete evidence that we did all this tonight.�

“No they won’t!� exclaimed Sirius. “It’s common knowledge that I hate my mother. Now why would I deliberately hang portraits of her up around the school?�

“Take it down or we’ll permanently stick it above your bed,� threatened Remus.

With a flick of his wand, the portrait went back to normal. The last thing Sirius ever wanted to see again was his mother’s face staring vainly down at him when he woke up.

As James charmed a few more rolls of toilet paper to spell out some new and improved offensive phrases to fly through the common room, the rest of them surveyed their work critically before heading back to their own common room.

Sirius was nodding his head. “Chaos, panic, and disorder – my work here is done.�

Before heading up to bed, Sirius took out his ever-growing list and scribbled onto it:

55 – I do not have super powers and should not claim otherwise.

56 – I am neither the king nor queen of cheese and should not claim otherwise.

57 – I am not in need of a more suitable host body and should not claim otherwise.

58 – I am not a “lesbian trapped in a man’s body� and should not claim otherwise.

59 – Not allowed to trade my school books for any of the following (which have been attempted on separate occasions): cigarettes, booze, sexual favors, candy, small children, etc.

60 – Not allowed to take incriminating photographs of my professors.

61 – Not allowed to use magic to make incriminating photographs of my professors.

62 – Not allowed to give tattoos.

63 - Not allowed to vandalize the Slytherin Common Room.


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A/N: As far as I can tell right now, there will be a total of 75 items on Sirius' list and I saved the best for last, so if you're still interested, please stick with me! Luv, Liveley.

Aren't you forgetting something??? REVIEW!

Padfoot Prohibited: A list of things Sirius L. Black is no longer allowed to do or say at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Disclaimer: Yeah, yeah, you all know the drill. I don't own any Harry Potter characters. I do however own the idea/plot for this fic, but it's based on Skippy's list.

A/N: And now I can tell you what Skippy’s List is. I apologize for trying to keep most of you in the dark, but I thought if I told you where I was getting this list from, you’d all just go google “The 213 Things Skippy Is No Longer Allowed To Do In The U.S. Army� and then not bother to come back and read this, hehe. So Skippy’s List is where I got the basic idea for this and then I just modified his list to fit mine and added my own items. I hope you’ve enjoyed reading this as much as I’ve enjoyed writing it. There will be one more chapter, but it will not have any new list items; it’s just sort of a closer showing you Sirius’s essay in full, etc.

A/N-2: I apologize to everyone for keeping you waiting. It just seems like everything in my life is suddenly coming down on me and I don’t understand why! On top of that, I’ve been trying to update this to Mugglenet for weeks, but for some reason, it won’t keep me logged in. I think I’m logged in and I update the chapter and I wait for a few days, trying to be patient while the moderators approve it…but they never do. And so I log in again and it’s not there anymore! Ahh!!!! But if you’re reading this, then I guess it finally decided to work or I finally decided to email one of the mods and they helped me out. But I don’t wanna talk about that. Until I get working on the sequel to this fic (That is, if after I write a few chapters and if it’s good enough. I already have the first chapter!) I’m going to be plagiarizing myself with one of my old fics. It’s called Renegade and it’s under my pen name, Liveley. I’d be honored if you read it and reviewed it. I uploaded it a long time ago and I’m a little embarrassed because I think I only got like 3 reviews. I was going to take it down since no one seemed to like it, but I thought I’d wait until after I updated this and told you guys about it. So if you like it, please review it and I’ll post the next chapter of it, which I have all ready! It’s a Sirius romance fic set in between Harry’s third and fourth years where, instead of owls, Harry gets tropical birds carrying Sirius’s letters. It also has a Raven character in it, although she’s not the same person as in this fic. That’s just sort of my signature OC name for whoever Sirius is pursuing at the time. I hope you enjoy it if you do read it, although I wrote it when I was younger, so it’s definitely not of the same caliber as this.

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Chapter 13 – Princesses and Professor McGonagalls’


With N.E.W.T.s and O.W.L.s now over, the end of the school year was upon Hogwarts at last. Beginning some twenty years previous, Hogwarts held a costume ball to celebrate the end of the term. However, Professor McGonagall had announced that this year would in fact be the last costume ball Hogwarts hosted with the exception of Halloween.

“But why?� asked Sirius, without bothering to raise his hand.

Professor McGonagall just stared at him. “I should think that was quite obvious, Mr. Black. Or don’t you remember the fiasco that you and your so-called ‘marauders’ perpetrated last year?�

Sirius put on his trademark faultless face and looked up at McGonagall. “Whatever do you mean, Mum?�

“You know perfectly well what I mean—“ McGonagall let out a frustrated sigh. “Never mind, Black. For the safety of this school and its students, this will be our last end-of-year costume ball and once it is over—“

“The marauders will all be out of your hair?� interrupted Sirius.

“Indeed,� was McGonagall’s only response before turning back to the entire class. “Your essays should be in now, and I will see you all at the ball later this evening. Mr. Black, stay seated, please. The rest of you are excused.�

Sirius rolled his eyes as his friends exited the room. “Professor, you’re going to give me detention on the last day of the year?�

“That depends on whether or not you have an essay to give me. Yours is the only one I didn’t get.� McGonagall flicked her wand at the desk and chair in front of Sirius and the latter flipped around to face him. As she sat, she held out her hand to collect his essay.

“I do have an essay to give you,� said Sirius, reaching into his robes and pulling out his famed roll of parchment. “But I can’t give it to you yet.�

“And why not?�

“Because it’s not done.�

“Mr. Black, if you think that I’m going to allow extra time for an assignment that was given months and months ago—“

“Professor, please. Look, “ Sirius unrolled the parchment and showed her its length. “It’s not that I haven’t written it; I just need to add a few things that I can’t add until tonight. The assignment was to help guide first years through their seventh year. How can I do that when I haven’t even technically finished my seventh year until tomorrow morning?�

Professor McGonagall then looked at Sirius as though she had never really seen him before. “You mean you, Sirius Black, are actually taking this assignment, well…seriously?�

“This,� Sirius cuddled the parchment lovingly in his hands, “is my legacy. I expect to be getting top marks.�

“You always get top marks, Sirius,� argued McGonagall, calling him by his first name, something she only did when she was not reprimanding him.

“Well this time I’ve earned it, I promise.� He reached forward and picked a stray hair from the shoulder of Professor McGonagall’s robes.

Sirius could see the Professor cave in. “Very well. Have it on my desk before you catch the train tomorrow morning or you will not graduate, Mr. Black.�

“Intimidating to the bitter end,� teased Sirius, smiling at her. “Thank you.�

McGonagall smiled back, lightly. “Yes, well, run along then.�

Sirius stood up, gave her a mock-military salute, and ran from the classroom to find his friends.

Professor McGonagall watched him sprint from the room, shaking her head and smiling after him.

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The end of term feast and ball was well underway. Most of the school was already in attendance as the Head Boy and Girl entered arm in arm. Lily’s outfit matched her eyes perfectly. She wore green from head to toe: green stockings and elf-like slippers and a green dress covered with green leaves. With her hair charmed short to look rather boyish, Lily Evans, despite the fact that she was a female, made the perfect Peter Pan. On Peter Pan’s arm was Wendy Moira Angela Darling, or James Potter rather, in a pink, flowery, floor-length nightgown, slippers, and brown curly-haired wig.

Remus and Peter, the latter not being able to find a date and the former feeling sorry for him, followed behind Lily and James. Peter Pettigrew wore a red dress and braided wig and carried a basket full of goodies. His face had been enchanted pale with added fake cuts and blood to suggest that he was no longer alive.

Remus Lupin stepped into the Great Hall with his arms crossed over the full-on wolf suit and his eyes rolled above the rubber snout attached to his nose. Up until this year Remus had adamantly refused to go as the Big Bad Wolf, owing to the fact that it might be just a little too close to the truth. However, this being their last year, Sirius had threatened Remus that if he did not go as a wolf, he’d be going as the future Mrs. Sirius Black and would in fact be expected to ‘put out.’

Sirius Black strode into the Great Hall after his friends with complete confidence, smirking all the way. As far as his clothing, he was almost dressed normally. He was wearing his traditional black boots, worn black jeans, a black t-shirt, leather jacket, and sunglasses. But placed atop his precious black locks of hair was an elaborately jeweled silver tiara. Sirius was dripping with ice from his arms upward, wearing a number of rather gaudy diamond necklaces, bracelets, and rings. Finishing off his fairy princess getup, Sirius wore a frilly pink tutu and had charmed a sparkling star to stick to the end of his wand and emit colorful sparks.

Sirius glanced behind him and then did a double take. His date seemed to be missing. “Come along, Minerva.�

Out from the shadows stepped Professor Minerva McGonagall. She was in her usual attire: dark green robes and her hair up in a tight bun. Sirius slung an arm around her waist and led her after his friends.

“Lily, I still can’t believe you got James into that thing,� said Remus, smirking sideways at James.

“Well, I suggested that he go as Peter Pan and I’d be Wendy, but apparently, he found the idea of wearing tights more repulsive than my pink nightgown,� Lily mused.

“And I want to know where Sirius found that lovely tutu,� laughed James.

“Wrestled it off a troll in that portrait across from the room of requirement, mate,� Sirius responded.

James rolled his eyes. “Sure you did, Black.�

“You want the truth?�

“Yes, please,� said Peter, flipping his long curly hair.

“Alright, well, I had to leave a spleen on deposit, but Reggy-poo finally consented to let me borrow his favorite ballerina outfit.�

“Haha. Right,� replied Peter, laughing. James and Remus chuckled along with him.

Professor Dumbledore literally stumbled in behind them. He was wearing a long, beige trench coat, plaid rain hat, black leather gloves and carrying a magnifying glass and briefcase. As he stumbled over the threshold, his briefcase fell open and papers started spilling out of it. Dumbledore, however, seemed not to notice this and continued walking uncertainly into the hall. Then he stopped abruptly and pulled a magnifying glass out of his pocket. Putting the magnifying glass up to his right eye and crouching down, he began to examine the floor for clues. Then he snapped his body back up, with an expression of realization on his face.

He spoke with a French accent. “Aha! I have found a clue! Zhe notorious Pink Panther has streuck again!�

As he turned to go back out into the entrance hall he slipped on the floor and grabbed Sirius around the middle for support, letting out a scream. Sirius planted his feet firmly and helped Dumbledore up.

“You all right, Professor?�

The Professor was brushing himself off forcefully. “Of course I am all right! I am examining zhe floor for clues, you kneuw!�

Lily grinned widely and laughed. “Inspector Clouseau?�

Dumbledore turned to her. “Chief Inspector.� Then, noticing the papers that had spilled out from his briefcase, he straightened himself up and pretended he had done it on purpose.

“What was that you said?� He hurriedly began to gather them up and stuff them back inside. “Swine briefcase.�

“Here, let me help you,� offered Lily, bending down and handing him some of his papers.

“Thank you,� he said, standing up. “Well…until we meet again and zhe case is sol-ved.�

Lily giggled as the Headmaster continued to stumble on up toward the punch bowl.

Mundungus Fletcher, wearing a pirate costume, complete with a patch over one eye, ambled over to Sirius and clapped him on the back. “See that git, Snape, didn’t even bother to show his slimy—“ he gulped as his eyes found Professor McGonagall at Sirius’s side.

Sirius smirked and then scanned the room and shrugged. “Guess not. Hey Dung, have you met my date?�

“I don’t believe I have,� cut in an icy-cold, familiar female voice.

Sirius turned to face Professor Minerva McGonagall…another one. This one was pregnant, and the green and blue robes she wore over her pregnant belly were covered with globes (blue for water and green for land) of different sizes that had been enchanted to rotate on their axes.

“Hello, Professor,� said Sirius, smirking.

“Mr. Black…who, my I ask, is that?� asked the McGonagall in the “Mother� Earth costume asked, pointing at the McGonagall at Sirius’s side.

Sirius shrugged. “My date.�

“Mother� Earth pursed her lips while the McGonagall in plain green robes shrunk behind Sirius, looking apologetic.

“I suppose you think this is funny?�

Sirius shrugged again. “Mildly.�

“Ten points from Gryffindor for trying to impersonate a teacher,� barked the real Professor McGonagall. “Any more funny business and I won’t hesitate to give detentions, even on the last night of the term!�

Professor McGonagall turned sharply and made her way back up to the staff table where Headmaster Dumbledore was now stooping beside a third year boy dressed as a golden retriever and then looking up at one of his friends standing nearby. “Does yer dewg bite?�

Some forty-five minutes later when the polyjuice potion had worn off and Professor McGonagall turned back into Jenelope, wearing a red sequined dress, Sirius seemed to have lost interest in his date. James and Lily were slow dancing, Remus was still pouting in the corner, and Peter was trying to see how much shepherd’s pie he could fit in his mouth at the refreshment table. Sirius scanned the room and caught sight of something interesting.

“Watch this,� he said, as Peter sat back down next to him.

He was off his chair in a matter of seconds in pursuit of a fifth year dressed in white with her black hair braided and coiled in two buns on either side of her head and a blaster at her hip.

Sirius leaned close to murmur in her ear while she was waving at her friend, Jordan, who had just gone in search of punch. “Good evening, Your Worship.�

Raven turned and smirked at him. “You’ve seen Star Wars?�

Sirius nodded. “Dated a muggle girl down the street over the summer.�

“Oh, you dated her?�

“Yeah, we went to the movies…what?�

“Nothing,� Raven bit her lip,� just surprised you remember any of the movie then.�

“You know, Princess, not everything you hear in the hallways is true.�

“I heard that if sex were fast food, you’d have an arch over your head.�

He chuckled, “That’s a nice way of putting it.�

“You’re not going to deny it?�

Sirius shrugged. “You won’t believe me anyway.�

“That’s probably true,� said Raven. “So what do you want, Black?�

“You see my friend over there?� asked Sirius, pointing to Peter, who was staring fixedly at them. He gave a sheepish wave, wondering what they were saying about him.

“Um…yeah?�

Sirius turned back to Raven, flashing her one of his irresistible smiles. “He wants to know if you think I’m cute.�

Raven shook her head and laughed. “Will you ever give up, Black? Term ends tomorrow and I’m not sleeping with you tonight…so what are you possibly going to get out of this? We have nothing in common!�

“They say opposites attract.�

“In that case, I hope you meet someone who’s good-looking, intelligent, and cultured.�

Sirius smiled and shook his head. “Ashe, the more you resist, the more I’m gonna lay it on you.�

Raven shook her own head. “If I throw a stick, will you leave?�

“If you leave with me.�

Sirius turned to Raven’s friend, Jordan, who had just come and handed Raven a glass of punch. She was wearing a black dress from the sixties that came down a few inches below her knees. Black gloves went partly up her arms, and no the right hand she wore a white pearl bracelet over the top of the glove. She also wore large, black sunglasses and a large, black hat with white sash over her elegantly bunned hair.

Sirius furrowed his eyebrows, “Who are you supposed to be?�

After taking the punch from Jordan and thanking her, the both of them let out a scoff, which seemed to suggest that it was one of those girl things he wouldn’t understand.

Jordan put her hands on her hips and spoke reprimandingly. “Audrey Hepburn. You don’t know who that is, do you, Black?�

“Nope,� shrugged Sirius.

“Least he knew Princess Leia,� remarked Raven.

Remus, apparently deciding it was time to save Raven from being cornered by his best friend, suddenly appeared next to them. “Sirius, stop hitting on my friend. Your date’s starting to breathe fire.�

Sirius, Jordan and Raven both looked past Remus to Jenelope, who was watching them like a hawk and muttering things under her breath.

“Yeah, I think I like her better that way,� he answered.

Raven scoffed and looked at Remus for help.

Leaning in closer, Remus said, “If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.�

Raven giggled. “I’ll remember that. Well, I think I’ll go…do something else.� She smiled at Remus, and then went to sit down with some other fifth years.

Jordan remained for a moment to plant a kiss on Remus’s cheek and then hurried away.

Sirius stared after Raven as Remus blushed and stared after Jordan. Clearing his throat, he then turned to look at Sirius. “Give it up, Padfoot. It’s the last night of the term, and I really don’t think she’s falling for you yet.�

Sirius ran a hand through his dark hair and shrugged. “It’s a give and take relationship.�

Remus suppressed a snort. “Yeah, she gives ya shit, and you take it.�

“Yeah, I know. That’s how I like it. Fiery, isn’t she?�

Just then, Professor Dumbledore and the pregnant Professor McGonagall waltzed by them, twirling gracefully.

Sirius shouted after them, “Hey, act your age – senile!� Remus chuckled, so Sirius added in an undertone, “Guess that confirms whose baby it is.�

After standing in the same spot for a few minutes watching Headmaster Dumbledore dip Professor McGonagall, Sirius held his hand out to Remus. “So do you wanna dance, or should we maybe go and sit back down?�

Remus laughed. “Why don’t you ask Jenelope to dance?�

Sirius rolled his eyes as they headed back over to their table.

With the dance coming to a close, they were rejoined by Lily and James. Sirius was working diligently on his essay, adding as many items as he could think of at the last minute:

64 – Not allowed to sing “Henry VIII, I Am� until verse sixty-eight ever again.

65 – Not allowed to drink three liters of blue food coloring before my yearly Quidditch (pee-in-a-cup) physical given by Madam Pomfrey.

66 – Nor allowed to drink three liters of red food coloring and scream during the same.

67 – Not allowed to bring Professor McGonagall as my date to the no-longer-annual, end-of-term costume ball.

68 – “I’m drunk,� is a bad answer to the question, “Why would you do that, Black?� posed by my head of house or any other figure of authority even if I was joking.

69 – Firewhiskey, green food coloring, and a ‘Cool Mint’ Listerine bottle is not a good combination even if I’m trying to make a point that Lily Evans should learn to clean her teeth without using muggle technology.

70 – The whole of Hogwarts’ suits of armor cannot be assembled into a giant battle robot.

71 – Hogwarts professors have neither the time nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six whole boxes of Ice Mice yesterday.

72 – Not allowed to organize a Disco Fever Dance at 2 A.M. in the Headmaster’s office, even if the Headmaster was the one who requested “Macho Man.�

73 – Not allowed to send out wedding invitations for Professor McGonagall and Headmaster Dumbledore.

74 – Not allowed to claim that my first name is indeed a very fitting description of my personality and burst into bogus tears when a professor suggests otherwise.

75 – Probably not allowed to be writing this list… ; )

Sirius sat back and let out a deep sigh. “I think I’m done.�

“With what?� asked Lily, sitting down next to him.

“My essay. I know it was due this morning, Lily,� he added, seeing the panicky look appearing on her face. “McGonagall said I could turn it in tomorrow because I wanted to add more stuff to it.�

“Sirius, are you feeling okay?� she asked.

Sirius smiled as some students started to file out of the Great Hall in groups while others remained behind to take advantage of the leftover food. He scanned through those remaining in the Hall and turned to his date, giving Peter a wink. “Jenelope, did you see where that cute fifth year went that I was talking to earlier?�

Jenelope glared at Sirius, then turned to the table behind them and picked up a glass full of punch. “Yeah…she’s in the bottom of this glass!� She poured the punch over his head.

Sirius yelped and tried to shake it out of his hair. “Jesus, Jenel, I was just kidding.�

“Sure you were. You can forget it!�

As she stalked off, Sirius waved his wand to get rid of the punch all over him. With a reprimanding stare from Lily, and a smirking one from James, the former pulled the latter toward the Entrance Hall with the other students.

Sirius watched Raven across the room since she was still sitting with Jordan and one other fifth year girl. He started to get up.

“Padfoot…� started Remus.

“You shouldn’t watch this,� said Sirius over his shoulder, with a determined sort of look on his face.

He sat down next to her. She and the two other girls were laughing and eating pieces of cake. “Well, I’ve come to throw in the towel.�

“Good for you,� said Jordan after she’d swallowed her bite of cake.

Raven pointedly ignored him, suddenly finding the frosting on her cake very interesting. She finally looked up as she felt Sirius’s eyes on her.

“What?�

“You aren’t going to say anything?� he asked.

“Nope.� She continued to eat and a few moments later, looked up again to find Sirius still watching her. “You know, that’s really creepy and annoy—“

She was cut off when Sirius instinctively pressed his lips against hers. Raven sat frozen for a few seconds, and when he pulled back, the fire in her eyes could possibly have made Lord Voldemort sweat on an off day. The two of them stared at each other for a few more seconds, Sirius with a smirk and Raven with a look of absolute venom.

Then Sirius smiled widely and winked. “Have a nice summer, Ashe.�

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A/N: Well, I hope at least some of you got Dumbledore. He was Inspector Jacques Clouseau from the Pink Panther movies. (They’re what the Pink Panther cartoons originated from.) Also, if anyone wants to see a picture of what Sirius might have looked like, email me or let me know in your review and I can send you one, but be sure to tell me your email address. The other costumes were pretty obvious. If you have questions, please ask. This chapter is incredibly long for me. I was trying to make up for not updating in forever, but it’s probably full of grammatical errors or something and I don’t want to make you wait longer while I proofread. So, hope you enjoyed it. Please check out my other fic on Mugglenet Fanfiction. Thanks! Luv, Liveley.

Padfoot Prohibited: A list of things Sirius L. Black is no longer allowed to do or say at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Disclaimer: Yeah, yeah, you all know the drill. I don't own any Harry Potter characters. I do however own the idea/plot for this fic, but it's based on Skippy's list.

A/N: Well this is it, guys: the last chapter! I wanted to wait until I had finished reading Half-Blood Prince to update it. As you will find out in just a few seconds, this chapter is not Marauder-Era. It occurs in Half-Blood Prince, which is why I wanted to wait and read it first. BUT, although this happens in Harry’s sixth year, it contains no spoilers. I was tempted to change the circumstances of how Harry comes by Sirius’s letter after reading the book, but decided against it in case some of you haven’t yet read it. I want to say I gigantic thank you to everyone who has read and reviewed Padfoot Prohibited. It has been a great honor to receive your encouragement and support. Enjoy this last chapter.

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Chapter 14 – A Legacy Left Behind

As the other sixth years filed out of her classroom, Professor Minerva McGonagall watched the boy remain, looking extremely solemn. He hadn't really looked much like himself since his godfather had fallen through the veil. The professor pretended to be digging in a drawer at her desk, although she could remember precisely where she had left what she was looking for. She was using this time to assess the young man before her now. She suspected that, for Harry, Sirius's death would be the last straw. Since his parents had been killed only three months after Harry's first birthday, Sirius had been the closest thing to a father he had ever known. In all honesty, she supposed, he had been more like a knowledgeable mentor, linking Harry to his father because of the friendship that Sirius and James had experienced. And although some would argue that the convicted murderer of fourteen supposedly innocent people was probably not such a great idol for a young boy, the professor knew that Sirius was, in fact, innocent on all charges. Having been framed by one of his best friends, she knew he had to spend the better—more like worst—part of twelve years in the company of some of the foulest creatures in the wizarding world, the dementors of Azkaban prison. Sirius's situation had been a disaster, but he wasn't completely consumed by it. Rather, he had almost made it beautiful. He was some sort of beautiful disaster. Try as he might to do the right thing, he always seemed to wind up on the losing end of the fray. He was somewhat of a tragedy, with more damage than a soul should ever have to see.

Professor McGonagall again examined Sirius's godson, Harry Potter, as her fingers found the parchment she had been searching for. She had thought of giving it to him after Harry's third year when she herself had learned of Sirius's innocence. Then, considering Harry's own disregard for the rules throughout his first three years, she reasoned that it would be better to wait until he graduated. But under the circumstances, Minerva had decided that Harry should have this memory of his godfather as soon as she was able to get it to him.

The professor now walked toward Harry, carrying the old parchment between two fingers. With a careless wave of her wand, she spun around the chair of the desk in front of Harry so that it faced him and sat down.

"How was your summer, Potter?" she asked, trying to sound casual.

Harry, with his arms crossed in front of his chest, simply shrugged. “Not bad, I guess.�

McGonagall nodded, understandingly. He was handling it better than she’d expected, like an adult would. “Harry, I asked you to remain after class because I have something to give to you."

He looked up at her, questioningly.

"Something of your godfather's," McGonagall continued.

Harry swallowed and uncrossed his arms. "What is it?"

"When Sirius and your parents went to school, they were required to write an essay before they graduated. It was supposed to be an essay giving advice to the first years that would be starting at Hogwarts after their seventh year was complete. I always thought Sirius's essay was rather...special," Professor McGonagall told him. "I thought perhaps you'd enjoy reading it."

Professor McGonagall handed him Sirius's essay and smiled. Harry took it from her, uncertainly.

"I would wait until one of your free periods," she advised as she stood back up.

Harry did the same, pocketing the parchment she had given him, and nodded. He pulled it back out again when he, Ron, and Hermione sat down by the fire for their free period after lunch.

After taking a deep breath, Harry began to read. As Professor McGonagall had expected, he had soon burst into hysterical laughter. Ron and Hermione both looked questioningly at him.

“Hermione…� choked Harry after a few moments of catching his breath, “you’re not going to like this.�
“I’m not going to like what?� Hermione asked.

In answer, Harry thrust Sirius’s essay from eighteen years previous into her hands. She skimmed through the first foot of parchment and then, reluctantly, broke a smile.

“How in the world did you get this?� asked Hermione.

“McGonagall actually gave it to me.�

Ron was looking from Harry to Hermione and then trying to get a look at the parchment in the latter’s hands. “Wh-what is it? Let me see, Hermione.�

“Here, I’ll read it out loud,� said Harry. And he began to read.

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Dear First Years,

Soon your teachers will be telling you my story, the story of the mischievous Sirius Black and his partner in crime, James Potter. They will warn you not to wander down the path of pranks and detentions, as I have. I am proud of what “The Marauders� have accomplished, and therefore, wanted to leave you with something to remember us by. I am giving you a list of things that I am no longer allowed to do or say at Hogwarts, which you all should consider doing on a regular basis to remind our dear teachers what they're missing. Chances are they will break down into silent tears of nostalgia. However, should they tell you they don’t miss us, well…you little ones will have to learn that sometimes professors do tell little white lies. Of course they miss us! They just can’t tell you that or they’d be unconsciously encouraging you to follow in our legendary footsteps. So are you ready for Sirius Black’s famous list of things not to do at Hogwarts? I thought so. Therefore I, Sirius Lee Black, now bequeath to you my legacy. Remember it well:

1 - Not allowed to threaten anyone with "Black" magic.

2 - Not allowed to give myself or any other human on the premises of Hogwarts, especially Severus Snape, magical breast implants.

3 - Not allowed to let enchanted sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions.

4 - Not allowed to let enchanted sock puppets serve detention for me.

5 - Not allowed to refer to Headmaster Dumbledore as "Dad."

6 - Not allowed to refer to Professor McGonagall as "Mum."

7 - If the thought of something makes either myself or James Potter giggle for more than fifteen seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.

8 - Not allowed to speculate on the penis size of any of my male or female professors.

9 - Not allowed to threaten suicide with Muggle pop rocks and coke.

10 - The proper way to report to Headmaster Dumbledore when ordered into his office is, "You wanted to see me, Professor?" and not "You can't prove a thing!"

11 - I do not get "that time of the month" and, therefore, cannot use it as an excuse when trying to get out of detention.

12 - Not allowed to fly my broomstick indoors, especially to chase first years down to the dungeons.

13 - Not allowed to fall in love with Madam Pomfrey.

14 - Not allowed to send anonymous love letters or fan mail to Professors.

15 - There are no evil clowns living under my bed.

16 - Not allowed to ask Professor Pintaine if he's been smoking crack.

17 - Not allowed to add "in accordance with this prophecy" to the end of answers I give to a question asked by our divination professor.

18 - May not call the divination professor immoral, untrustworthy, lying slime even if I am right or become possessed by a spirit and give prophecies of my own in the middle of class.

19 - Not allowed to challenge fellow Quidditch players to 'Meet me on the field of honor at dawn,' and then show up wearing a full suit of armor that I “borrowed� from the dungeon statue.

20 - Not allowed to purchase the souls of first year students and make them my slaves.

21 - Not allowed to magically wash the hair of hygienically challenged students, even if they are greasy, slimy gits (cough-Snivellus-cough) and even if I am doing it "for the greater good of the student body."

22 - Not allowed to bribe Hogwarts kitchen house elves into sending the Slytherin table rotten food.

23 - (Next day) Not allowed to bribe Hogwarts kitchen house elves into sending the Slytherin table no food at all.

24 - Not allowed to host an "Inter-house Challenge Slip 'N' Slide Tournament" using the house tables and 147 buckets of water in the Great Hall.

25 – Not allowed to purchase the clothing of Hogwarts house elves and wear it “as a mark of my own enslavement.�

26 - Not allowed to accuse Moaning Myrtle of sexual harassment.

27 - Not allowed to trade Quidditch balls (i.e. the quaffle, bludgers, and snitch...actually James kept the snitch) for inflatable sheep.

28 - Not allowed to release enchanted inflated sheep into the dungeons to test the Care of Magical Creatures Professor's competency in his trade.

29 - Not allowed to die... Seriously, I'm not allowed to die or drown! (especially while testing a potion or swimming in the lake).

30 - The staff room (which is guarded by gargoyles) is not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell first years that it is.

31 – “To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys� is a bad long-term goal to give at career advice.

32 - Any device that can crawl across the table on medium should not be brought into the Great Hall.

33 - Not allowed to play strip Quidditch.

34 - Not allowed to send Howlers to myself.

35 - Not allowed to start a betting pool as to when Severus Snape will ever take a bath.

36 - Not allowed to make love to any Hogwarts statues.

37 - Not allowed to give Snape candy and then use it to take over his brain and make him say incriminating things.

38 - Not allowed to anonymously offer a dating service to Slytherins and then set them up with their brothers and/or sisters.

39 - Not allowed into the girls' dormitories.

40 - Not allowed within twenty feet of the girls' dormitories.

41 - Not allowed to even set foot on the entire left half of the common room (which leads to the girls' dormitories).

42 - Not allowed to turn Severus Snape's clothes pink and expect to get out of detention by arguing that “pink is definitely his color� or that “men love pastels on a woman.�

43 - Not allowed to bang my head against a desk until I become so disoriented that I wander into the girls' bathrooms.

44 - Not allowed to put a charm on certain Slytherins so that rainbow colored foam comes out of their mouths every time they try to speak ill of a Gryffindor.

45 - Not allowed to ride Dumbledore's gargoyle stairway up and down singing "I Feel Pretty" until he comes out of his office and asks me to stop.

46 - Not allowed to start a nudist colony in the prefect's bathroom on weekends.

47 - Not allowed to offer Sex-Ed classes to first through third years and other older "teenagers full of angst" who feel they are "lacking in carnal knowledge."

48 - Not allowed to imply that "Dad" (Professor Dumbledore) is "getting lucky" with "Mum" (Professor McGonagall) tonight in the middle of Transfiguration.

49 - Not allowed to hum "Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye as I walk past Professor McGonagall and Professor Dumbledore "conversing" in a "strictly professional" manner in the hallway.

50 - Not allowed to charm Hogwarts statues to kick all Slytherin's "where the sun don't shine" as they pass by.

51 - Not allowed to tell Lily Evans “thanks for last night� in front of James Potter and therefore provoke the latter to hex me.

52 - Not allowed to hand out my old, soiled socks to fifth or seventh year girls (and one fifth year guy) as good luck charms on their O.W.L.'s or N.E.W.T.'s.

53 - Not allowed to charm Dumbledore's socks to sing "Barracuda" whenever Severus Snape walks into the same room as him.

54 - Not allowed to be myself.

55 – I do not have super powers and should not claim otherwise.

56 – I am neither the king nor queen of cheese and should not claim otherwise.

57 – I am not in need of a more suitable host body and should not claim otherwise.

58 – I am not a “lesbian trapped in a man’s body� and should not claim otherwise.

59 – Not allowed to trade my schoolbooks for any of the following (which have been attempted on separate occasions): cigarettes, booze, sexual favors, candy, small children, etc.

60 – Not allowed to take incriminating photographs of my professors.

61 – Not allowed to use magic to make incriminating photographs of my professors.

62 – Not allowed to tattoo a likeness of my face on students or professors while they slumber.

63 - Not allowed to vandalize the Slytherin Common Room.

64 – Not allowed to sing “Henry VIII, I Am� until verse sixty-eight ever again.

65 – Not allowed to drink three liters of blue food coloring before my yearly Quidditch (pee-in-a-cup) physical given by Madam Pomfrey.

66 – Nor allowed to drink three liters of red food coloring and scream during the same.

67 – Not allowed to bring Professor McGonagall as my date
to the no-longer-annual, end-of-term costume ball.

68 – “I’m drunk,� is a bad answer to the question, “Why would you do that, Black?� posed by my head of house or any other figure of authority even if I was joking.

69 – Firewhiskey, green food coloring, and a ‘Cool Mint’ Listerine bottle is not a good combination even if I’m trying to make a point that Lily Evans should learn to clean her teeth without using Muggle technology.

70 – The whole of Hogwarts’ suits of armor cannot be assembled into a giant battle robot.

71 – Hogwarts professors have neither the time nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six whole boxes of Ice Mice yesterday.

72 – Not allowed to organize a Disco Fever Dance at 2 A.M. in the Headmaster’s office, even if the Headmaster was the one who requested “Macho Man.�

73 – Not allowed to send out wedding invitations for Professor McGonagall and Headmaster Dumbledore.

74 – Not allowed to claim that my first name is indeed a very fitting description of my personality and burst into bogus tears when a professor suggests otherwise.

75 – Probably not allowed to be writing this list… ; )

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“Well…what do you think, Hermione?� asked Ron, smirking at the look of shock on her face.

Hermione looked somewhat pensive for a few moments. Then she said, “Do you really think you could buy their clothing? I hadn’t even considered that.�

“…What?� asked Harry and Ron together.

“The house elves’ clothing. Would that set them free, do you think?�

“Hermione!� shouted Ron.

She laughed. “I’m just kidding! I’m amazed that Professor McGonagall would give you this. I mean look at all the stuff they did to Snape.�

“He deserved it!� justified Harry.

“Obviously she didn’t care about all that stuff with her and Dumbledore,� voiced Ron.

Harry’s mind was buzzing. He was already starting to think of items that he could add to his godfather’s list. Half an hour later, on their way to class, he and Ron were still coming up with list items. Hermione was trudging along next to them. She had given up trying to discourage them.

“Um… Oh, how about ‘Not allowed to imagine Snape in women’s clothing’!� bellowed Ron triumphantly.

“Keep your voice down, Ron,� warned Hermione. “And that was Neville in third year.�

“Yeah, but it doesn’t matter, does it, Harry?�

“Nah,� said Harry. “I reckon my dad took part in most of the things on Sirius’s list anyway.�

“By the way, Hermione, you’re guilty of at least one of the things on that list,� added Ron.

“What? No, I’m—“

“’Not allowed to fall in love with professors’,� said Ron, smirking. “Lockhart ring any bells?�

“I was not in love with—“

“Hey, how about ‘Not allowed to turn Malfoy into a great, bouncing ferret’? I mean that was a bogus Moody, but…� he looked to Ron.

Ron nodded. “Funny as hell. Can’t forget that one.�

“Ooh, what about ‘Not allowed to impersonate Slytherins with polyjuice potion’, Hermione?�

They continued walking along. Every few steps Harry or Ron would think of another offense they could add to Sirius’s list.

“’Not allowed to belch slugs’…�

“’Not allowed to mobilize an army of students and plot to take over the Ministry of Magic’…�

“’Not allowed to sic a pack of murderous centaurs on Professor Umbridge’…�

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A/N: I don’t want to say anything about Book 6 here, but if any of you are interested in discussing it with me, I would absolutely love it! Feel free to email or instant message me about Half-Blood Prince or my fanfic at any time. I’m EvrChanginAnthem at AOL. Thank you all once again for everything. Luv, Liveley.