*********************
"Harry, stop playing with my necklace."

"...So shiny..."

Hermione slapped Harry's hand in frustration. Hopefully soon Harry would find some other girl to annoy and thus leave her more time with Ron. Unfortunately, he thought they were all just friends and hung around like a Drooble's best bubble gum on the bottom of her shoe. Unfortunately, deprived of his shiny bauble, he now began to pay attention to the conversation.

"So... Hogsmeade..."

"Was very boring. Go away now Harry."

"That's not very nice Ron, how did you get that tear in your shirt?"

"Well it involved a long boring story about kis-I mean chatting behind the Three Brooms and getting chased by a drunk troll with one eye."

"You talked with drunk trolls?" Harry asked eagerly.

"What? No!" Ron cried indignantly.

"Here Harry," said Hermione, thrusting the Time Turner at him, "play with this."

"Oh boy, thanks!" He eagerly began twisting the little hourglass round and round.

"We really shouldn't have given him that short attention span toffee," Ron said gazing pitingly at Harry. Hermione drapped the gold Time Turner chain around his neck as well. "Wha-?"

"In case Harry actually does work it, I don't want him ending up anywhere alone," she explained.

"He's not," Ron began, "bloody hell! Harry! What are you doing?"

The common room was fading away quickly, images of students milling about flashed past their eyes until they landed with a thud in the middle of a field. The thud was what Harry needed to bring him back to sanity. He flung the Time Turner aside and turned to Ron and Hermione.

"That's the last time I ever accept candy from you Ron, you're as bad as Fred and George," Harry muttered angrily. "Where are we?"

"H-how many times did you twist the Time Turner, Harry?" Hermione asked in a shaky voice.

"I don't know! Why weren't you watching me?" Harry answered, "Hey! Ron, is that chocolate?"

"I thought you said that you would never accept candy from me!" Ron cried, hastily hiding his treat.

"Yeah we'll we're in the middle of nowhere and you owe me!"

"Really, how do you bloody think we got here?"

"Because of you!" Harry yelled.

"No, I wasn't playing with the Time Turner!" Ron yelled back.

"Yeah but I was playing with the Time Turner because of the loss of concentration candy you gave me!"

"Wait a minute, mate, Hermione actually gave you the Time Turner, so maybe it's all her fault!"

"Okay, you guys," Hermione said hastily, "let's not argue until we get back. There's a simple solution to this, we just need to fast forward through time."

"How do we know how many turns though?" asked Harry, "Where is the Time Turner anyways?"

"You lost it!?!" Ron asked, aghast.

They were on the verge of arguing again when Hermione shouted.

"Look! It's right there!" she cried.

And so it was, the Time Turner lay nestled in the grass the sunlight glinting off the gold metal. Just then a raven swooped down and picked it up before flying back. A lion, skidded to a halt where the Time Turner had been and a snake arrived seconds later. Finally, a badger poked it's head through the turf.

"I got it! I got it! I got it!" cried a witch from the other end of the field, "You owe me 20 galleons!"

"You cheated, you got a head start," roared a wizard, his voice echoing over the where Harry, Ron and Hermione stood.

"Should we go over there?" Ron asked skeptically.

"I suppose we should," said Hermione, "they have the Time Turner."

They crossed the field where a group of witches and wizards were haggling. They seemed to know each other rather well and were very intent in their argument.

"Rowena did grab it," the stout blonde witch was saying.

"Yes, but she got a head start," argued a wizard in red.

"Then you should have called it then, Godric." snapped the dark haired witch who had the raven on her shoulder. It cawed triumphantly.

"Godric, it's not worth it," said a silky voice, belonging to the fourth wizard, a slim man with a sallow complexion, "It's not worth much, the trinket. Besides, what's 20 galleons to you? You won 200 galleons off her yesterday."

"Yes, you're right Salazar," sighed Godric.

"Erm..." Harry nervously cleared his throat. The four witches and wizards turned towards the threesome.

"What have we here?" questioned Helga Hufflepuff.

"CHEATERS!" bellowed Godric, "THEY HELPED YOU, ROWENA!"

"Gryffindor! Get a hold of yourself, chap," said Salazar, "we settled that matter a moment ago."

"Sorry, that wasn't what I meant to yell anyways," Godric explained apologetically. He faced Harry, Ron and Hermione and yelled out, "INTRUDERS! YOU ARE TRYING TO STEAL THE SECRETS OF HOGWARTS, LIKE THE SECRET HIDING AREA BEHIND THE-"

"-perfect," Rowena cut in, "just go off and give them the secrets, why don't you? No one supposed to know about Hogwarts!"

"We know all about Hogwarts," Harry hastened to explain.

"You see Rowena?" Salazar put in, "They already know all about Hogwarts."

"Shall we burn them at the stake?" Helga asked eagerly, rubbing her hands together, "Its apparent their witches."

"Wha-? NO!" Hermione cried, "You're a witch too!"

"GROUP HUDDLE!" roared Godric.

"Stop the roaring please Godric, my ears." Rowena complained.

The four witches and wizards huddled, along with Ron. After a very long discussion involving which flavors of chocolate they enjoyed the most. The group adjurned and turned to Hermione and Harry.

"Right, so down to business," Godric began, "you kids can stay the night with us because me and him," nodding to Ron, "both agree that strawberry chocolate dipped in 7 day old bread pudding is amazing."

"Here..." he continued grandly, "is our castle."

They were all silent for a moment in awe. Harry broke it, the silence, I mean, not the awe.

"That's a shack."

"You do realize that we are getting the chance of a lifetime?" Hermione asked eagerly, "to see Hogwarts in its early stages?"

"Too bad its not in our lifetime," Ron replied, obviously not as impressed.

"It's a shack!" Harry was having some issues getting over the appearance of early Hogwarts. Which was really that bad, it was simply Hagrid's gamekeeper's hut, only shabbier.

"It's a castle," Godric sneered menancingly.

They entered the, erm, "castle (tight fit) and began to have dinner, which wasn't up to the standards of present day food at Hogwarts. Conversation was pretty non-existant as Godric and Ron staged an eating contest. Harry and Salazar egging thier friends on.

"C'mon, shove the whole pie into your mouth, Ron, you can do it..."

"He shoved the pie into his mouth! Just like that! You're still on your warthog!"

"Here, drink this pudding Ron..."

"'War mah choc?"

"Your what? Oh, you chocolate, phew, for a moment there...well, nevermind. Here it is."

"Blast! Godric, he's eating all the chocalate. WITH SEVEN DAY OLD BREAD PUDDING!"

"NO-mfh." Salazar had seized the opportunity of Godric's open mouth to shove more food in. Godric glared at Ron, now it was personal, no more chocolate OR bread pudding. He ate his pie with hearty gusto.

Meanwhile, the witches chose to ignore the rather disgusting contest and talk.

"So," Hermione began brightly. It's always a very bright way to begin a conversation.

"So," Helga nodded eagerly.

"So." Rowena sighed, watching Godric lose terribly at the eating contest.

"So," Hermione said again, "how many students do you have enrolled here at Hogwarts?"

"Zero," Helga answered excitedly, "we were actually hoping you could be the first ones. The redhead suggested it during our huddle."

"Ron?" Hermione asked in disbelief, turning to look at Ron, which was a mistake as he was busily swallowing sausage whole, egged on by both Harry and Salazar. "Ron asked for lessons?"

"Yes, so you get to be the very first students at Hogw-"

BELCH!

"Ron, that was awesome."

"Yes, you ate Godric off the table."

"Hey! Salazar! You're supposed to be on my side!"

"Yes, but you have a terrible appetite."

Godric glared at Ron malevolently. Helga turned to the other founders.

"Guess what? The children have agreed to be our first students!" she told her fellow founders eagerly.

"You mean we actually have to teach?" Salazar asked, taken aback. "I thought we did this for tax reductions!"

"Oh, I'll teach Ron," Godric said evilly, "I'll teach him a lesson he won't forget."

Will Godric get revenge on Ron? How will the very first lessons at Hogwarts go? Read and review please!

*****************************************

“Rise and SHINE!� Godric bellowed over Ron’s head.

“Shut up Godric! It’s only been five minutes since we lay down!� Salazar shouted grumpily.

“Oh, really? Sorry,� Godric climbed back into his medieval sleeping bag and began to expand upon the evil plots he had invented for Ron.

*****************************************

“Rise and SHINE!� Godric bellowed over Ron’s head. It had no effect however as the latter was in the sort of deep sleep provoked from eating three times your weight. However, Harry and Salazar, having only eaten a normal portion, awoke.

“Will you shut up? It’s been ten minutes since you last yelled!� Salazar growled.

“Sleeping in a shack sucks,� Harry commented.

“IT IS NOT A SHACK!� Godric bellowed, “IT TOOK ME TWO MONTHS TO BUILD THIS CASTLE!�

“I hate sleeping in poor architectural designs,� Harry muttered.

“Chocolate to the first person who stuns him,� Rowena called.

“Chocolate?� Ron asked, wide-awake at once.

*****************************************

“RISE AND SH—�

“STUPEFY!!!�cried three voices in unison.

“Wait a minute,� said Helga, “it really is morning.�

And sure enough it was, the golden rays of sunshine mingled with the blue sky and all the inhabitants of the “castle� awoke and dressed in their splendid rags and sat to a feast conjured by the artful wand of Rowena Ravenclaw. And everyone ate happily and peacefully, while songbirds sang in the morning sun and lived happy ever after. The people I mean, not the songbirds.

“Medieval Merlin, that is the worse hangover I’ve ever had,� Godric mumbled, stumbling into the kitchen.

Okay, so maybe not a happy ending. Godric was wearing a sour look on his face, but that changed when his eyes lit upon Ron, who was polishing off his fifth helpings. He adopted an evil grin, which doesn’t work with everyone. Godric’s menacing grin looked more like a clown smile, but those didn’t exist back then.

“Godric, wipe that silly smile off you face, you looked like a court jester,� Salazar said.

“I do not—�

“A female court jester.�

“Well, isn’t this exciting,� said Helga excitedly to quell Godric’s shouts of indignation, usually when people find things exciting they talk excitedly, “our first real school day!�

“Rah rah,� said Rowena despondently.

“Hey, I have an idea,� Godric began, adopting once more his excuse of an evil grin, he lost it after Salazar glared at him, “How about we even the teacher/student ratio a bit by each taking one student?�

“Brilliant idea! The first grand idea of this school in fact!� cried Helga eagerly, “How about you choose first Godric?�

“NO!� said Ron, who’s mouth was empty for a moment.

“YES!� crowed Godric triumphantly, “and I choose …YOU!�

“Please specify, simply crying out ‘YOU’ doesn’t really give us any headway as to who you want to teach,� Salazar said coolly.

“Alright, the ugly one!�

“Ron’s not ugly! He’s really cute, with his gorgeous blue eyes and –mmph!� Hermione shoved her hand into her mouth before she revealed more. Embarrassed, she quieted herself.

“Then why did you assume he meant me when he said ‘the ugly one’?� asked Ron, half pleased, half indignant. Hermione didn’t answer, her hand had become stuck in her mouth, which was probably for the best, she realized, she didn’t trust her mouth at the moment.

“I pick the other boy,� Salazar said lazily, waving his hand in Harry’s direction. It’s a good thing he specified, as he could have meant the chicken pot pie.

“Good, then Rowena and I will take the half-wit,� Helga said cheerfully. Hermione dislodged her hand from her mouth.
“I am NOT a half-wit,� she cried indignantly.

“Then why did you assume they meant you?� asked Ron.

“Because no one else is left.�

“Oh, yeah that…�

“Prove you’re not a half-wit, what’s two plus two?� Helga asked.

“Huh?�

“Blast, she got the right answer.�

*****************************************

“Alright, Ronnie boy,� Godric began as he and Ron traversed the large meadow that held the lake in modern day Hogwarts. In ‘ye olde Hogwarts’ however, it was simply a meadow full of flowers. “I have big plans for you.�

“Grand.� Ron commented dryly.

“My first big plan is……�He drew out the word dramatically, “is…………………�

*****************************************

“Alright, first remember that the only reason I agreed to this whole ‘let’s play schoolhouse’ thing is because of the tax deductions, I didn’t think they were actually serious.� Salazar fumed to Harry, “and now I’m stuck with you.�

“Yeah, I know,� said Harry.

“Here I could have been playing chess with Godric.�

“Yeah, I know.�

“You know how to play chess?�

“Yeah, I know.�

*****************************************

“is…………………………………………………..�

*****************************************

“Alright, now we are going to teach YOU, the halfwit, how to build a castle for our first lesson.� Helga informed Hermione.

“I am NOT a halfwit!�

“What’s two plus two?�

“You asked that question the last time.�

“Blast! And you got the right answer again!�

*****************************************

“is……………………………………�

“Get over with it already,� yawned Ron.

“Alright it is………..�

“Shut up.�

*****************************************

“Alright, you stupid girl, first you must levitate the stones,� Helga explained, demonstrating with her wand.

“I am NOT a stupid girl.�

“What’s—�

“YOU’re the stupid girl.�

“Blast, you’re right.�

*****************************************

“NO! You can’t make me!� cried Ron indignantly.

“Oh yes I can!�

“I won’t! It’s an insult to my manhood, my dignity!�

“Oh, but you will do it.�

“I am NOT skipping through the meadow, picking flowers!�

“Because you defy me, I am adding an extra embarrassing punishment,� Godric declared, “and that is……………………………..�

“Oh shut up and cut to the chase.�

*****************************************

But before we cut to the chase, we must cut to before the chase.

“Knight to E4,� the knight moved obediently, smashing the queen as it went, “Checkmate! I win again!�

“NO!� Salazar, in his anger, jumped up from the table and began chasing Harry.

Now let us cut away from the chase.

*****************************************

“That costume is about as ugly as a baby swan,� Ron commented.

“Hah! It IS a baby swan costume,� Godric said, “and you have to wear it!�

“NO!�

“YES! While you pick flowers!�

“NO!�

“Mwahahahahahaha!�

*****************************************

Cutting back to the chase:

Harry was fast, but Salazar used a magical spell to increase his own speed. He managed to run in front of Harry, and for a while Harry was chasing Salazar. Then they were chasing each other, running in a circle. Finally they collapsed and burst out laughing. Cue the “best friends� music as the reader is taken through a montage of Harry and Salazar eating ice cream together, laughing at the movies together, having a snowball fight together. Now bring the reader back to reality by pointing out that none of this is possible in the spring of the Medieval Age. But Harry and Salazar did become friends, and walked down to the meadow together. At the edge, they stopped.

“What the heck is that?� Harry asked, shocked.

“That,� Salazar replied, “is why you should never eat a powerful wizard under the table.�

And there was Ron, doing a demented sort of skip through the meadow in a baby swan costume, picking flowers. His face burning bright red from humiliation. Every now and then he would call out threats to Godric over his shoulder, which caused Godric to hex him by turning his feathers various colors.

**************************************************************

While some people cope with embarrassment through laughter, Ron managed to cope with it through eating a lot. Unfortunately when you are out in a meadow doing you-know-what, the only edible things around are …flowers…and grass.

In fact, Harry was beginning to feel a little bit concerned about his friend.

“Um, Ron, I hate to tell you this, but you, uh…� he searched for the right word, “you look like a cow, mate.�

“That would be a bull,� Salazar commented. When Harry gave him a blank look, he elaborated, “A cow’s mate is a bull.�

“Right,� said Harry, as though he understood, but he really didn’t. Ron wasn’t commenting, he was on all fours munching on grass. Still wearing the baby swan costume. “Don’t birds eat, like, worms or something?�

“Good idea,� Ron said through a mouth of daises and grass stems.

“NO! I was trying to make a point. You AREN’T a bird Ron!�

“Your right,� Ron stated, his mouth empty of grass, “I’m not a bird-Ron, I’m a Ron-bird!� He flapped his arms and started running around screeching “tweet tweet�.

Harry turned to Salazar, “Sally,� he said, using his friend’s nickname, “since you are the only somewhat sane friend available, I need your advice, what the bloody hell is wrong with him?�

“Well,� said the so-called Sally, “you know how Godric hit him with those spells every time he gave him the finger…�

“…and mooned him…�

“…and spat on him…�

“Yes,� Sally said, “well I think one or more of those spells affected Ron’s brain.�

“How so?�

“Gee, I don’t know,� Sally drawled sarcastically, “your friend thinks he’s a bird, he’s PERFECTLY sane.�

“Oh, yeah, forgot about that,� said Harry, “how do we fix him?�

“I’m not qualified to give this sort of advice! You know how I feel about teaching!�

“I’m asking your advice as a friend, Sally.�

“Are we friends?�

“Yes, remember that montage the readers saw with all the movies/ice creams?�

“But that wasn’t real,� Sally sniffled.

“It helped strengthen our bond of friendship,� said Harry kindly. He grabbed Sally’s hand and the two of them did their secret friend handshake that involved one or two hokey pokey moves and a perfect pirouette.

“Honk, honk!� Ron (currently believing himself to be “Ron bird�) broke this touching moment by running right into Harry and pecking him.

“Ouch, Ron! Gerroff!� Harry yelped, “I don’t feel that way about you!� He rubbed his neck, “we REALLY need to reverse this.�

“We should probably do it quickly, before Helga finds out,� Sally added hastily.

“Why?�

“Because she’s so ‘let’s play school’-ish, if she saw what happened here she would go detention crazy!�

“But Ron didn’t do anything wrong!�

“Not Ron, Godric!�

“He deserves it!�

“No man deserves the punishments Helga could devise.�

“Where is Godric anyways?�

The man they were speaking of was currently rolling around on the ground with laughter as “Ron-bird� began throwing himself down the hill in an attempt to fly. He laughed a bit too hard however and rolled down the hill to Harry and Salazar’s feet.

“Well,� he said, keeping the straightest face he could muster, “wonder what happened to him.� Then his self-control broke and he burst into maniacal laughter, he had had his revenge.

**************************************************************

“That looks very nice, Hermione!� Helga said, gazing at the building she had made, “You completed your task outstandingly! So that’s the grade you get! Outstanding! Ooh! I just invented the grading system! What fun!�

Hermione rolled her eyes, “You didn’t invent that, that was invented by a Tibetan monk centuries ago. Well, maybe it would be a decade or two ago, but the point is, someone else invented it!�

“I need to go see this Tiberian monk,� Helga fumed, “he’s plagiarizing me.�

“Tibetan,� Hermione corrected, but it was to late, Helga waved her wand and was gone with an airy ‘poof’.

“Where did Helga go?� asked Rowena, emerging from the “castle�.

“Off to Tiberia, I’m afraid,� Hermione sighed.

“Is that even a country?�

“No.�

“Oh,� Rowena paused thoughtfully, on one hand, Helga was getting annoying with the whole let’s-play-school thing, but on the other hand, she was her best friend. Then she realized something, “does this mean I have to teach you?� She asked in a scandalized tone.

“No, just leave me alone while I work on the new Hogwarts.� Hermione said impatiently.

“Don’t speak to your teacher like that!�

“Sorry, are you willing to teach me now?�

“Not exactly, it would be best if you just gave up and went back to wherever you came from.�

“For that I would need the Time-Turner.�

“You’re a clever witch,� Rowena snapped, “find another way, I’m not giving up my prize!�

**************************************************************

In Tiberia, Albania, Helga was looking for a certain monk. As she really didn’t know the language though, she was having much luck. A street vendor stopped her, offering her something pale and slimy on a plate.

“Ooh! Native cooking!� she squealed excitedly and took a large bite.

“Yugga needda paya thata,� yelled the street vendor in native Tiberian.

“What?� Helga asked innocently, devouring the disgusting dish. But she couldn’t understand Tiberian and didn’t really get the message until the vendor pulled out a knife. Then she decided that it really wasn’t worth staying around to search for a monk and dissapparated.

**************************************************************

“Okay, I figure if we can get Ron to eat this powder I ground up of random ingredients then use the reversing spell, we can fix him,� said Salazar, showing his hand full of the powder of random ingredients.

“What does the powder do?� asked Harry, curiously.

“Absolutely nothing, but I like grinding things to help me think and it seems a shame to waste it.�

“Erm…hate to interrupt,� Godric mumbled, “but Ron-bird isn’t here.�

“What?!� Salazar snapped, “where did he go?�

“Said something about a nest, and ran towards the forest.�

“Crap!� Salazar exclaimed, “I’ll go make more powder.�

**************************************************************

“Tweet, tweet, I am Ron-bird, who dares enter my lair?�

“Ron you’re not a bird!� Harry said, looking up at Ron who was perched on a branch high up, still wearing the ridiculous baby swan costume.

“Tweet, tweet, of course I am you silly land lubber, how else do you think I got in this tree?�

“You climbed it?�

“NO, only land lubbers climb! I flew! Watch, I’ll do it again!� Ron jumped up from the branch he had been sitting on and looked poised to spring.

“Look friend is obviously in emotional trauma, and you didn’t help him?� Godric asked, scandalized, “If I had any hints that Salazar here was about to kill himself, I wouldn’t have waited for him to climb a tree.�

“You put him in this ‘emotional trauma’!� Harry cried.

“Born to be free,� Ron sang as the wind blew and the branch swayed, bouncing him around, “as free as the wind blows…�

“Oh bloody hell, you really are not the songbird type of bird, Ron.�

“I’m not a bird-Ron, I’m a Ron-bird!�

“I vote we let him jump, he’s really getting on my nerves.� Salazar stated, hands over his ears to block out Ron’s singing.

**************************************************************

“So, Hermione,� Rowena said, “how does this, Time-Turner thingy work anyways?�

“I’m not telling you until you give it to me!� Hermione exclaimed, “We really need that! I have a feeling if my friends stay here any longer, one of them is going to go insane and think he’s a bird or something weird like that.� She reached for the Time-Turner in Rowena’s hand, Rowena closed her fingers over it, smiling evilly.

“Tell me how it works first,� she cooed, batting her eyelashes at Hermione. The latter looked taken aback.

“Are you trying to seduce me?�

“Well that’s the only persuasion I’ve ever used to get information out of people.�

**************************************************************

“I’m going to be the first bird to fly to the MOON!�

“Okay, I with Sally now,� Harry declared, clamping his hands over his ears.

“But it’s just not right to let him jump,� Godric argued.

“I’m not going to jump, I’m going to fly to the MOON!� sang a voice from above.

“Since when are you on his side anyways?� Salazar asked, looking Godric over critically.

“Since when are you Sally?� Godric asked.

“I’ve always wanted to be called that, but no one ever did, until Harry here,� sniffed Sally. “Now I have to start school where they’ll call me Professor Slytherin, and I’ll never be Sally again.�

**************************************************************

Will the Ron-bird dilemma be fixed? Will Hermione retrieve the Time Turner before one of her friends starts to think he’s a bird? Wait…that’s already happened.

Disclaimer: I own none of the JK Rowling world, in fact some of the conversation was borrowed and tweaked from potterpuppetpals.com

**********************************************************

Well after about five straight repetitions of “Born to be Free� by “Ron bird�, the trio down at the bottom was beginning to get thoroughly annoyed.

“I say we leave him,� growled Sally, as Ron began to sing with new gusto. Even Godric's pity was beginning to fade.

“There’s nothing we can do,� Godric said mournfully.

“Wait!� cried Harry, “I’ve got a plan!�

**********************************************************

Five minutes sings by, literally…

**********************************************************

“Oh landlubbers? Where are you?� Ron bird sang.

“We’re over here,� came a voice from below.

“Well, here I come!�

“Wait! We’re a little to the right!�

“Here?�

“Yes.�

“I don’t see any landlubbers here…�

“Ready? GET HIM!�

Harry, Godric and Sally burst from the undergrowth, bows and arrows in hand, looking like Legolas gone wrong. They pointed their arrows at Ron, three arrows sang from bows, with strings attached, one made a loop around Ron’s ankle.

“Good shot Godric, you’re not completely useless after all…� Harry said, grabbing the rope.

“Who said I was useless?� Godric thundered.

“I will if you don’t pull,� Sally growled.

“Oh, right,� Godric yanked on the rope that was hooked around Ron bird’s ankle and he was knocked off the branch and began to fall. “My, this sure is loads better than simply letting him jump,� Godric commented sarcastically as Ron began to sing “I’m free!!!!!!!�

“Yeah didn’t think about how to catch him,� Harry said scratching his head. Suddenly, an idea hit him.

WHOOSH

“Harry why are you on the ground?�

“Sorry I fell over, an idea hit me.�

“Sure.�

“No, seriously, here’s what we should do.� Harry and Sally quickly wove a rather lopsided fishing net out of the remaining rope.

“Correct my understanding of gravity, but shouldn’t Ron have fallen yet?�

“What’s gravity?�

“Stupid medieval mindset.�

“You’re never going to believe this,� Godric said in a revered tone.

“What?� snapped Harry, fully prepared to hear “Gravity exists� or some other such Godric crap. Instead, his gaze halted at the tennis shoes dangling over his head.

“Ron bird likes flying,� sang Ron swaying back in forth over Harry’s head, on the branch he had caught after he had gotten a little tired of “flying�.

“Blast! You mean we made this entire net in a matter of mere seconds for nothing?�

“Yes, birds don’t need nets.�

“Damnit Ron, I’m trying to save your life here, now, you are going to fall in this NET!!!�

“Calm down, Harry, mate,� Sally said, patting Harry’s shoulder in a reassuring way.

“Hold the net, we made it, we’re going to use it!� Harry grabbed one of Ron’s ankles and pulled.
PLOP!

“Just had to center him right over the BIGGEST HOLE IN THE NET, didn’t you Harry?� Sally asked, enraged.

“Never mind that,� Harry said hastily, “just cure him.�

**********************************************************

“Oh Harry! It’s just terrible, you must help—Ron, why have you got feathers in your hair?� Hermione asked, puzzled. Ron turned beet red and muttered something about falling into a hornets’ nest. Fortunately, Hermione was too distraught to look into his story.

“Calm down, Hermione,� Harry said soothingly, “just tell us what happened.�

“Rowena, she seduced me,� Hermione began, bursting into to tears. Ron was now the one to look distraught.

“How the bloody hell could she seduce you? I’ve been trying to figure out how to for quite some time now!�

“Well, she said it was the only thing she was good at,� Hermione sniffled, “then she figured out how to work the Time-Turner and … and—� Hermione broke into a fresh set of tears. Harry patted her back while Ron glared at him.

“She found out how to use the Time-Turner!� Hermione wailed.

“Is that it?� asked Ron, “I thought it was going to be something more apoplectic, like, no dinner tonight or something.�

“No, don’t you understand, she used to Time-Turner to go ahead in time, that means that Helga is cooking tonight!� Hermione sobbed.

“I picked up some new recipes in Tiberia!� Helga called out from the “castle� cheerfully.

“NO!!!� five voices cried in unison.

**********************************************************

Rowena felt very satisfied with herself, no more of that correcting brat, no more of those three “teachers�, or that stupid red haired pig, she was free of them forever! She had certainly given the Time Turner enough twists to do it. She paraded through the castle halls at Hogwarts looking around with cool amusement. The Time Turner dangled from her neck like some kind of medal.

“Excuse me, could you please tell me why you are walking the corridor so late at night?� came a voice from behind her. Rowena turned and found herself looking at a much aged version of—

“Hermione?� the words came out more as a gasp.

“Incorrect, 5 points from Granger House. I am Hermione Granger B, my first copy got lost. Please be more polite when talking to your Headmistress,� corrected Headmistress Granger B.

**********************************************************

“Who wants to sample some of the ‘cerveau de vache a la mode’?�

“NO!!!�

**********************************************************

“B-but, I don’t understand, surely there must be some mistake, you were in the past…weren’t you?� Rowena stuttered.

“I don’t really know what happened to the original copy, but after she and her two sidekicks disappeared, some Granger supporters found one of my, well A’s, hairs and used it to reincarnate me.�

“Granger supporters?�

“Yes, though they were originally called Potter supporters, I don’t know why, they probably mistook the last name. Anyways, they were looking to reincarnate ‘The Boy Who Lived’, me, obviously. To do so, they needed hair, and they came upon some such hair under Saint Ron’s bed, a locket full of it, in fact. They thought it was the Potter boy’s because there were rumored to be more than friends. So they used it in the potion and voila! Here I stand, 50 years later.�

“Saint Ron?�

“He was made a saint after they found my hair under his bed.�

**********************************************************

“Come now, Ron, you look a bit peckish,� Helga said, waving the spoon in Ron’s direction.

“He just keeled over when he got a whiff of it,� Harry informed her.

“It’s your lucky day then, isn’t it?�

**********************************************************

“And what were you saying about Granger House?� Rowena asked, thoroughly confused.

“It is the house that all the most intelligent students go, some sticklers were saying it should be Ravenclaw, but she was practically non-existent in Hogwarts history so we eliminated her.�

“NO!!!�

**********************************************************

“STUPEFY!�

“Thanks Sally, for a moment I thought I was actually going to have to eat it.�

“We could always roast HER for dinner, I assure you that she contains no brains whatsoever. Anyone feeling peckish?�

**********************************************************

“Look, see this?� Rowena asked, showing Headmistress Granger B the Time Turner, “This little baby is going to get me back to where Granger A is, then we’ll bring them back and you won’t even exist!� She fervently began to twist the hourglass.

Headmistrees Granger B started whacking her with her cane, trying to pull the Time Turner from her grasp. She succeeded.

"NO!" cried Rowena, but she was already fading into the past. In a matter of seconds, she was gone, and the Time Turner sat twinkling innocently in Headmistress Granger B's palm.

**********************************************************

“OW!� Ron yelped as Rowena landed on his stomach.

“Sorry,� she apologized, “time travel is a difficult thing.�

“What happened? Where is the time turner?� Hermione asked, enraged.

“Long story, short end is that your evil half stole it, but sent me back.�

“What?� Ron asked stupidly.

“You’re stuck here with me!� Helga sang, waking up and shoving a spoonful of cow brain into Ron’s mouth.

“NO!�

**********************************************************
How will they get back now? What is Headmistress Granger B’s evil plan? Stay tuned!

***********************************************************************

“Well, the food is good, I’m surrounded by friends, and there’s a huge blanket hovering in midair outside covering Hermione’s ‘secret’ project,� said Harry, dabbing his lips with a napkin, “I’m feeling relatively good about being stuck in the dark ages for the REST OF MY LIFE!�

“Well, you got yourself here in the first place,� said Rowena.

“Haven’t we been through this already?� Harry asked tiredly, “ I was clearly not at fault.�

“Can’t we just burn them all at the stake?� Helga asked suddenly. All the others around the table turned to stare at her. “Sorry, I still have Tiberian cooking on the brain.�

“Let me help you with that,� offered Rowena, thoroughly annoyed, as Helga had been making such comments all evening, she raised her wand and cried, “ Obiviate!�

“Come now Rowena,� Godric protested, looking up from his steak and kidney pie, which he was eating at leisure, having given up trying to beat Ron. “That wasn’t very sportsmen like.�

But Rowena was focusing on Helga, who seemed to have come out of a daze and asked, “Who am I?�

“Rowena, you’re not even listening to me!� Godric protested.

“Rowena? Is that my name?� Helga asked in a bit of a daze.

“No, now let me talk to Rowena.�

“I’m listening,� Helga said enthusiastically, leaning forward.

“New Merlin, this is ridiculous, go out and…um…just leave!� Godric thundered, having two Rowena’s was too confusing, for him at least. He was beginning to forget who was who.

“Who?� asked both Rowena and Helga simultaneously.

“THE FAKE ROWENA!!!�

“There’s a fake Rowena?� asked Helga, completely taken aback. Then she turned to stare at the real Rowena.

“Identity thief!� she cried, throwing herself at Rowena.

“Please tell me you are joking,� snarled Rowena, clawing back.

“Wait!� said Salazar, holding his hands high, “I know how we can settle this.�

***********************************************************************

A few minutes later, Helga and Rowena were facing each out in the meadow which the lake would later preside in present day Hogwarts.

“Alright, here are the rules for the duel,� Salazar began, looking from Helga to Rowena, then realized how absolutely pointless it would be, “aww, screw it, BEGIN!� he said waving his hand at them.

It was mad; Helga and Rowena threw spells left and right. They obviously weren’t thinking properly because the spells landed far away from the target and did rather harmless things (ie. Watering the grass, summoning a pumpkin, enlarging a boulder).

“Okay this is just weird, what are they trying to accomplish?� asked Godric and the boulder turned green.

“I think they’re simply trying to prove which one of them is strongest and trying to humiliate each other,� suggested Hermione, watching them with interest.

They were also throwing insults over their shoulders at each other.

“Ugly Ghoul,� Rowena spat.

“Nasty Kneazle,� ‘Rowena’ replied.

“Barmaid.�

“Muggle.�

“Common hedge witch!� Rowena spat, triumphant. The medieval viewers gasped, this was one of the worst insults to be given in the dark ages.

“Alright!� spat Helga, I mean ‘Rowena’, “Now it’s personal!�

The spell she threw was true, but Rowena dodged it, and it hit the now green boulder instead. The boulder flew in the air, out of sight. Everyone craned their necks upwards, squinting, but they could no longer see it. Then a speck became visible in the distance, hurtling towards them at an alarming speed.

“Uh oh…�said Helga quickly moving away.

***********************************************************************

And now we take you to this pointless little blip in a nearby peasant village that will most likely infuriate you because you will not be able to continue with the very fascinating story. (A/N: Okay okay, there will actually be a point to it later, um...maybe, for the sake of the non-existant plot…)

“If only I could go back in time,� spat Farmer Joe, “then I woulda known not ta plant the corn, and I coulda planted mo’ wheat.�

“Hey look!� cried little Jimmy Joe, Farmer Joe’s youngest son and family embarrassment, “it’s a rock! Falling out of the sky!�

“Haha, sure Jimmy, jus’ like yer flying stars, eh? And that, wha’ was it? Oh yeah, tha’ one time ye said ye could spark fire wi’ yer bare hands?� asked Johnny Joe, Jimmy Joe’s older brother, laughing at him.

“Don’ mention that son,� Farmer Joe muttered darkly, “ye don’ wanna be incurin’ the wrath o’ the Lord, now do ye?�

“No sir,� answered both boys.

“Good, then kip yer minds on farmin’ that’s what their made fer.�

“No it’s not!� cried Jimmy Joe, “I’m going to find that flying rock! Jus’ you see! Then ye won’ be saying, ‘stupid Jimmy Joe’ nay, ye’ll be a-worshippin’ me! Jus’ you see!�

And with that, he walked off in the direction the rock seemed to have fallen, with Farmer Joe’s shouts following.
***********************************************************************

“Erm, that’s a very nice crater Helga,� Godric began tentatively.

“Crater? A nice crater? It’s a huge indentation in the meadow!� shrieked Helga hysterically. And indeed it was, Helga had created what would now be described as the bottom of the lake in present day Hogwarts, only no water.

“Yes, well, um…about that…� Godric said slowly, he said a lot of things slowly though, so it ruined the effect that he was trying to impress, that of being intelligent, “I don’t really think we can fix it…�

“We can put a nice plaque by the edge though,� offered Rowena unhelpfully, “it would read ‘Nature ruined this day by Helga’.�

“I remember now,� Helga said, “my name is Helga, isn’t it? Oh my, how silly I was being, I’m sorry Rowena, that must have been awful,� she paused thoughtfully recalling all the scenes of fight, then, “YOU CALLED ME A COMMON HEDGE WITCH!!!�

“Yes…there was that bit, but you just killed the meadow!�

“You insulted ME! You insulted my entire FAMILY!� shrieked Helga.

“MEADOW KILLER!�

“FAMILY, um… oh, I have the word! NAMECALLER!�

***********************************************************************

Little Jimmy Joe walked through the woods, in the direction of the flying rock. His family didn’t understand him, he could create fire if he needed to, just by thinking hard enough, and there was definitely something odd about him. He was hoping that the flying boulder would lead him to somewhere where people appreciated his differences.

“Ima gonna find me some fella fireshooters!� he declared to no one in particular.

“You really shouldn’t play with firelegs,� said a voice from behind a tree, "for that fact, you really shouldn’t walk around the forbidden forest without a guide either.�

“Who was tha’?� asked Jimmy Joe frightened.

“Me,� stated a short red headed figure simply, emerging from behind a tree.

“Who’re you?� asked Jimmy Joe trembling in his peasant’s robes.

“I’m from the future,� she answered, "and I'm going in the same direction as you."

***********************************************************************

“Okay, so, my life is now officially pointless,� Harry declared that night after another excellent dinner of Rowena’s, “I just wasted my day watching two witches catfight and witnessed the formation of the bottom of the lake and I still don’t know what’s under that huge bedsheet Hermione hung out where the castle is at present day Hogwarts.�

“Well,� began Hermione, “since you’re all so curious, I suppose I could show you, though the interior isn’t entirely finished yet. No furnishings or anything.�

“Show us, show us!� begged Godric, like a little kid who is dying to see his fellow kindergartners show and tell his pet worms.

Hermione waved her wand and the large sheet vanished. Underneath was a sight that made everyone drop their jaws in wonder. All except Rowena, Hermione and Helga, who had already seen it. Godric broke the silence.

“It’s a SHACK!� he stated.

“Don’t be a prat, it’s Hogwarts!� Harry cried, jubilated.

“Hermione, you are bloody brilliant, to think it took you one day to build a castle whereas it took Godric over there two whole weeks to build that yonder pigsty.� Ron said. Hermione beamed. Godric looked angry.

“It’s a CASTLE! THAT IS THE SHACK!� He complained.

“Give it a rest Godric,� Rowena, waving her hand dismissively at him, “we’re all sleeping in here tonight.�

"You know," Harry said as they later lay in the big floor of the great hall, looking up at the yet to be enchanted ceiling. "I feel better now that there actually is a Hogwarts, even if it means I'm stuck in the dark ages."

"Are you kidding me? Forget about what I said before, but all this 'student/teacher' bonding is scaring me," Ron whispered, and indeed Godric was sleeping on his other side and occasionally shouted out things like;

"Ron's my bestest fwiend!" or "Ron 'n' I are buds."

"You see?" Ron asked his present day friends, "If we don't get out of here soon, I'm going to go bonkers!"

"Again you mean?" Harry asked.

"What does he mean, again?" Hermione whispered curiously.

"Well he's already thought he was a bird..."

"YOU DID?!? I SO CALLED THAT!" Hermione cried. Ron turned bright red.

"Gee thanks mate, I'm glad you know how to keep a secret," he snarled at Harry, who rolled his eyes in return.

"It would've come out sooner or later," he retorted.

***********************************************************************

WAY WAY WAY INTO THE FUTURE

Headmistress Granger B sat at her desk playing with the Time Turner she had stolen from Rowena Ravenclaw, feeling a bit apphrehensive. Suppose Rowena did go through with her threat and send Hermione A back to her present day. Then Headmistress Granger B would never come about...

Still...she had the Time Turner, surely she could use that for something...but what?

***********************************************************************

Who is the mysterious red haired figure from the future? (this one is fairly obvious in my opinion) Will Jimmy Joe ever find fellow fireshooters? Will the author ever ask questions that don’t seem (but really are) completely relevant to the non-existant plot? (Okay I have the answer for that one too, NO)

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters nor do I own early Hogwarts (who would want to? I pity JK Rowling for her insane characters). Technically I did make up the peasant Jimmy Joe, but who would want to admit to owning him?

***********************************************************************

screech boom CRASH! The loud noises echoed through the newly built Great Hall, waking it’s occupants.

“Wha’ was that?� asked Ron stupidly, sitting bolt upright.

“Sounds like someone building something,� Hermione muttered sleepily, “that’s what it sounded like when I was building this castle.�

“How come we didn’t hear it then?� asked Ron.

“We must’ve been preoccupied,� Harry answered, now awake due the noises outside. You could hear stone crunching against stone, glass shattering and metal sliding.

“Oh…yeah…� Ron answered, ears burning red from the Ron-bird event.

screech boom CRASH! The noise could be heard again, bits of stone and plaster began tumbling from the un-enchanted ceiling of the Great Hall.

“That’s it,� Harry said, getting up and pulling on his robes, “I’m going to go see what they’re up to.�

“Try to see if you can get one of them to help us think up an alternate route through time,� Hermione said, sitting up in her sleeping bag grouchily, “I had an interesting dream in which Ron and I—well let’s just say that Rowena interrupted our—I mean, the moral of it all is that there can be other ways to get back home without Time-Turners.� Hermione hastily finished, face burning bright red.

“What were you dreaming about me for?� Ron asked curiously.

“Nothing,� Hermione answered blushing furiously.

“Do you dream about me often?� Ron persisted.

“NO!�

“Harry, he wasn’t asking you,� Hermione said, and then turning to Ron, “Do you dream about me often?�

Ron’s ears/face/neck flushed bright red. “I asked you first!�

“Okay, guys,� Harry began, holding up his hands.

“WE DON’T CARE WHETHER OR NOT YOU DREAM ABOUT US, HARRY!� Hermione yelled at him with a lot of force, Harry looked scared to answer, finally Hermione, in a small voice asked, “Do you?�

“NO!� Harry answered, “What I was going to say was that since this whole random romance scene is totally non-relevant to the plot, not to mention choppy and there are suspicious noises outside, we should prioritize. Now I for one am getting up and leaving.�

screech boom CRASH! More stone fell from the ceiling, it sounded as though something very heavy and skidded over the roof of the Great Hall.

“Me too,� Ron said, getting up hurriedly as some of the ceiling began falling down onto his hair, “you don’t think they’d be burying us alive, do you?� As if to answer his question a very large chunk of stone landed right behind him.

“Don’t be ridiculous,� retorted Hermione, but nevertheless she too jumped out of her sleeping bag.

***********************************************************************

Outside was a truly spectacular sight. Turrets and arches and towers were being placed here and there, flying through the air. Spells were shooting around haphazardly. Stumbling through the chaos were Harry, Ron and Hermione, trying to make sense of it all. Finally they happened upon Rowena, who was panting hard and gazing up at what was easily the tallest tower, full of turrets and such, though not all of them were placed at the regular angles.

“What are you guys doing?� Hermione asked breathlessly as two turrets opposite them crashed into each other, knocking one another aside.

“After meeting your older, evil half,� Rowena panted, “I decided that I had better make sure I am the one who gets all the fame and glory, not that silly old witch.�

“So you’re building an big tower? You’re like a little kid in a sand box saying ‘my castle has more rocks on it!’ It’s ridiculous!� Hermione spat in disgust.

“That’s what you say because you’re not winning!� laughed Rowena, summoning up her strength to make another arch materialize out of thin air, it spun around and landed haphazardly next to a turret that happened to be laying out horizontally rather than vertically.

“I think I’ll go…er…find Sally,� Harry said, backing away slowly from the crazy architect (aka Rowena).

“I’ll find…um…Godric and see if he needs any help…� Ron said, quick on take-up.

“Help? Godric is getting help?� Rowena asked, panicking, she grabbed Hermione’s arm, “you’re helping me then!�

“Oh bloody hell,� Hermione muttered disgustedly, scowling at the retreating backs of Harry and Ron.

***********************************************************************

“Hey there Sally how goes it?� Harry asked half-heartedly, it was obvious that it wasn’t going well.

Whereas the other heads of houses had tall towers with multiple turrets/arches/statues of themselves Salazar Slytherin had one simple tower and a pile of stone rubble at his feet. He kept angrily pointing his wand at the stones and muttering. A few turned green, but that was about it.

“Not well,� he muttered through gritted teeth. He pointed his wand at another stone and it made a feeble somersault. Giving up in exasperation, he cried out in frustration, “How are the others doing it? Rowena has many towers, even if they are in at odd angles and Helga has a masterpiece. Godric is being his same old egotistical self with his tower, but it’s better than nothing!�

“Well, Hermione is helping Rowena…�Harry began before Salazar cut him off with a yelp.

“WHAT!?! ROWENA IS ACCEPTING ASSISTANCE?! THAT’S NOT RIGHT!� and upon spotting Harry, he grabbed him and yelled, “YOU’RE HELPING ME!�

***********************************************************************

“Er, hello Godric, lovely, um …tower you’ve got there,� Ron said hesitantly, staring up at the 100-foot statue of Godric Gryffindor, complete with windows and rooms inside for people to walk through. The statue depicted Godric brandishing a sword with an expression of valiance and victory on his face, he was wearing a lion suit, much like one would find on pictures of Hercules. Unfortunately the statue looked nothing like the real Gryffindor, with his fake marble muscles and the expression of strength was totally wrong. It left Ron speechless, well for a moment at least.

Then he burst into laughter.

“Oh, hello there young Ron,� said Godric noticing him for the first time, “like the statue? I think it portrays me perfectly.

Ron just rolled around on the ground, howling with laughter, tears of mirth coming to his eyes.

***********************************************************************

screech boom CRASH!

“What was tha’?� asked Jimmy Joe, panicking slightly.

“Oh, nothing really, just some wizards building something or other. It sounds a lot like my brother Percy when he sings in the shower too,� answered Ginny Weasly, walking alongside the young peasant.

“W-wizards?� Jimmy Joe asked, afraid again, “y-you mean their real? Actual s-spawns of S-satan?�

“No you silly fool,� answered Ginny impatiently as they made their way through the Forbidden Forest (it was a lot bigger in the Dark Ages than it was present day. Also a lot less populated, we can blame deforestion and polution, not to mention an antimagic society for the current state of the Forest.) to the source of the noise. Ever since she had come upon him in the forest he had been following her asking all sorts of silly questions. “You can shoot fire from your hands, that makes you a wizard as well! Are you a spawn of whatever?�

“Am I?� asked the stupid peasant, looking confused.

“Oh bloody hell,� Ginny swore at his stupidity.

“See! You said h-h-h—�

“Hell?�

“YES!�

“You are an idiot, go back to your farming. I have to tell some people something.�

“Then I will help you!�

“W-what? No you won’t!�

“Yes I will!�

“No you won’t!�

“Yes I will!�

“No you won’t!�

“Yes I will!�

“No you won’t!�

“Yes I will!�

“Just go away!� Ginny cried out in frustration, banging her head against the nearest tree.

“Yes I will!� Jimmy Joe spat out his automatic response, then paused, “Wait a minute! I didn’t mean that!�

***********************************************************************

“Hmrph,� Helga muttered unhappily. True, she had the best tower yet. Unlike Rowena’s, all her turrets were straight, and it wasn’t egotistical like Godric’s, nor was it non-existant as Salazar’s was. Still this could all change, and they had help, it really wasn’t fair.

“Urf, gerroff me!� came a voice to her left coming from the Forbidden Forest. Helga turned to see two people emerge from it. She brightened. Help at long last, she thought.

***********************************************************************

“You’re completely USELESS!� Salazar roared in anger at Harry. Alone all Sally had managed was to create a pile of rumble at his feet, but at least his original tower had been left alone. Now, with Harry’s help they had managed to wreck the remaining tower. “Now Slytherin house with be the laughing stock of the school!�

“Um...,� Harry said, cowering, "as of now, Slytherin tower is non-existant..."

“SHUT UP! Is there anything you CAN do?�

“Um…I can …produce a Patronus?� Harry offered unhelpfully.

“Oh, grand, then I suppose that can build a tower?�

“Er…no.�

“ARGH! You’re so STUPID!!!�

“At least we still have a Slytherin meadow!�

“What are we going to do with that? Grow a Slytherin hedge-house?�

***********************************************************************

“But I don’t have time for building towers, I need to tell my friends some important information!� cried Ginny Weasly impatiently as Helga prodded her in the back with a wand.

“Friends, schmends,� Helga said waving her hand airily, “I don’t have any and I’m perfectly fine.�

“I don’t have any either, miss,� Jimmy Joe stated looking up at Helga adoringly. She had recently taught him how to hold a wand and given him one as a gift. The fact that the wand was Ginny’s and Helga had stolen it from her is not important to the plot right now. Nor will it ever be…I don’t think…

“See?� Helga cried out, “this sweet lowly peasant doesn’t have friends either and he is perfectly amiable.�

Ginny muttered to herself, but there was nothing she could do without her wand. So she envisioned dropping the large blocks of granite Helga was making her carry onto the two of them.

“Ouch! That was my toe!� Helga shrieked. Ginny had “accidentally� done what she had been daydreaming about. “I need an amputation! I need severe medical care!�

“Oh you drama queen,� Ginny said, rolling her eyes.

***********************************************************************

“What are those sparks shooting up from Helga’s tower?� Hermione asked curiously.

“Oh, she’s probably creating a false alarm to distract us from beating her in the tower contest,� Rowena sniffed, “probably just realized we all have help and she doesn’t.�

“Are you sure we shouldn’t go and help her?� Hermione asked tentatively, “something might actually be wrong…�

***********************************************************************

“Don’t leave me!� Helga cried as Ginny made an attempt to escape, she was laying on the grass moaning in pain. Now she rolled to grab Ginny’s ankle and hold her down.

“Stop it!� Ginny cried out, thoroughly annoyed, “I was just trying to get you some help!�

“I’ll go do it!� Jimmy Joe volunteered eagerly. Helga nodded and he ran off, leaving Ginny alone to tug her ankle from Helga’s grasp, but it didn’t work.

“Let go of me!�

“NEVER!� Helga yelled, clinging to Ginny’s ankle. She dropped her wand to hold her ankle with both hands. Ginny made an attempt to grab it, and fell over instead just as Jimmy Joe ran back, panting.

“They—� wheeze pant “didn’t believe me—� wheeze “—said you were trying to kidnap their –� pant pant “helpers.� He collapsed on the grass, landing on top of Helga’s toe by accident.

“OW! You did that on purpose!� cried the ‘wounded’ victim.

“This is getting ridiculous,� muttered Ginny, she grabbed Helga’s wand and scrambled to her feet. Helga grabbed onto her knee. Ginny pointed the wand at herself and said, “Sonorous�

“What are trying to accomplish by doing this?� demanded Helga indignantly, but Ginny ignored her. She knew exactly what would get all the heads of the houses running to her.

“HELGA’S GETTING EXTRA HELP ON HER TOWER!�

Pop!
Pop! Two wizards appparated instantaneously in front of her.

“Its about time,� Ginny thought.

“WHAT’S THIS ABOUT EXTRA HELP?� roared Gryffindor.

Pop!

"HELGA! YOUR STUPID PEASANT TREPASSED ON THE SACRED SLYTHERIN MEADOW!"

***********************************************************************

Well, after they got Helga’s toe fixed, (no she did not need it amputated) and restored the trampled grass, the Heads called a temporary truce and dined together, along with their two new students.

“So, um Ginny,� Hermione began, “how did you get here?�

“It’s a long story, but shortly after you guys disappeared, this weird old lady who sort of looked like you appeared in my dormitory one night. She asked what year it was, if you can believe such a random question as that, and then she started flipping her Time-Turner. That’s when I noticed that it looked exactly like yours—� Ginny started, but Ron interrupted her.

“How did you know it was Hermione’s Time-Turner, how do you even know that Hermione has a Time-Turner?�

“Well, I saw her take it off before she went to bed once, she couldn’t sleep with it really, and she didn’t think I saw it. I had just thought it was a necklace.� Ginny said, then continued with her story, “—so I grabbed at the Time-Turner and found myself being transported back through time, next thing I know, I accidentally let go and was stranded in the middle of the Forbidden Forest with that stupid peasant over there.� She nodded to Jimmy Joe who was busy wolfing down dinner and asking questions of Helga. Like where do wizards come from, etc.

***********************************************************************

"Godric, does that stupid peasant even count as a wizard?" Salazar asked, grumbling about Jimmy Joe's annoyiness.

"Well, we have to let all wizards and witches eager to learn join our school." Godric said, puffing up his chest in an effort to look more like his tower.

"But come on, why not just exclude this little puny peasant?" Salazar pleaded. "We could expel him, he did trample on sacred ground after all."

"You cannot pick out wizards simply because they come from a less fortunate lineage," Godric insisted pompously.

"He stepped on my grass," Salazar pouted to his mashed potatoes.

But they didn't respond, because they were mashed potatoes. And no wizard is stupid enough to enchant his food to talk back to him. Well there was one in the 16th century, but he was Isaac the Insane, so you can guess what happened to him.

***********************************************************************

“So Hermione Granger B is on the loose again,� Harry said, grinning a little, he and Ron found the idea of Hermione’s older, evil twin very amusing. Hermione not so much.

“Oh shut up, she wouldn’t have existed if Ron weren’t supposedly coveting my hair,� she shot back to Ron, who was laughing. Upon Hermione’s comment, his ears turned red.

“Do you covet my hair?� he shot back defiantly.

“No.�

“Harry he wasn’t asking you!� Hermione cried exasperatedly, “stop trying to shove yourself into the center of attention.�

They continued bickering until Rowena announced that they all needed their rest to work on the castle tomorrow.

“Oh Merlin,� Harry swore, “I hope Headmistress Granger B finds us before they recruit us for help again.�

“Y’know,� said Ron to the dark, un-enchanted ceiling of the Great Hall, “History of Magic would be so much more interesting if Binns would slip in these little details. I would love to see my name in a history book. They never tell us anything about all the Heads being mental.�

***********************************************************************

Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing. Save Jimmy Joe, Headmistress Granger B and a mad Ugly Duckling with a club. But I need money so I will be auctioning off their identities/ownerships to fill mine own pockets.

********************************************

“Psst, Harry, Ron, wake up!� hissed a voice. The Great Hall was pitch black. Harry and Ron were awoken when the same someone’s shook their shoulders.

“’S time already?� Ron asked groggily.

“Yes, you weren’t supposed to go to sleep you know, just wait until they went to sleep,� Hermione whispered back sternly.

“So, we ready?� Harry asked, feeling wide-awake.

“Yes,� answered Ginny softly, she and Hermione had stayed awake, waiting for the Heads of the Houses to fall asleep. It had taken a while due to the fact that every time Salazar fell asleep, he had nightmares of his precious grass being trampled on.

Stealthily all four slid out of their sleeping bags and crossed to a side door of the Great Hall. Tentatively, Harry pushed on the door, which opened soundlessly. He motioned to the others to come through. They exited onto the grounds covered in darkness. The grounds were covered in darkness, not the trio-plus-one. They were still wearing their Hogwarts robes from when they had arrived here. Don’t worry; they stayed fresh due to their magical properties.

“Why are we doing this again?� asked Ron, as they passed the mess of towers recently built. It looked like some toddler’s Lego set gone wrong.

“Because we really don’ t want to stay with those insane Heads for another day of construction,� Hermione replied matter-of-factly, “and if Headmistress Granger B is around, then we want to find her before she finds us.�

“But what about that alternative time route you were talking about earlier?� Ron asked.

“Like they know anything,� Harry answered, “were you able to get two words across to them that were none construction related?�

“Well, no,� Ron admitted, “I wasn’t able to get two words across at all.�

“Imagine that,� Hermione muttered under her breath.

“Hey!� Ron protested, “I resent that! Your teacher wasn’t trying to build a tower in likeness to themselves! It was really hard to keep a straight face!�

“You never keep a straight face!� Hermione argued back.

“Yes I do!� Ron answered back.

“Try it!�

“I-I…there! I did it!� Ron cried out, struggling to keep his face emotionless.

“No you didn’t! You were smiling!� Hermione argued.

“I was not!�

“You were too! Harry wasn’t Ron…Harry?� Hermione turned to look for Harry, he wasn’t there, she rounded on Ron, “Ron, where did Harry go?�

“I don’t know! Ginny, where did Harry go?� Ron protested.

“Ginny isn’t there either Ronald.�

“Yes she is! She’s right next to you!�

“There isn’t anyone next to me,� Hermione cried exasperated. Still she turned to look, two eyes looked back. Hermione screamed.

“You’re not Ginny!�

“No, I am your better self, and I have come to destroy you!� cried Headmistress Granger B, brandishing her wand.

“Bloody hell Hermione, hopefully I won’t live to see you when you’re this old.� Ron said, “How old are you anyways?�

“13.�

“No, not you Hermione, the other Hermione.�

“97.�

“Hey, what do you know, if you added Hermione A’s age to Hermione B’s age you would get 100!� Ron exclaimed, feeling proud of himself.

“No, you would get 110,� Hermione A answered, feeling annoyed, her life had been threatened and Ron was busy adding up their ages.

“Yes, your math is not very good, Saint Ron,� Hermione B corrected him.

“Why do you want to kill Hermione?� Ron asked curiously.

“So that she can’t come back and prevent me from coming into existence of course!� Hermione B stated. “After all, that’s what Rowena threatened would happen.�

“What? You’re just going to point your wand at Hermione and it’s over?� Ron asked. “I was hoping for more of a show.�

“RONALD!�

“Well, c’mon Hermione, don’t you want to go out with a bang?�

“I DON’T WANT TO GO OUT AT ALL!!!�

“Well, I’ll be here with you,� Ron said in a somewhat subdued tone.

“YOU B—actually that’s kind of sweet,� Hermione stopped herself to admire Ron’s apparent, erm, affection.

“He’s right,� Headmistress Granger B interrupted, “I want to come up with a creative weapon.� Her eyes swept around the empty field and landed on—

—the remnants of Ron’s swan suit.

********************************************

“When do you think they’ll realize we already left?� Ginny asked Harry. They had abandoned the bickering pair and were entering the Forbidden Forest.

“Um, right about, now!� Harry cried. Sure enough shouts could be heard, as well as pounding feet.

“They’re going to wake up everyone if they keep carrying on like that.� Ginny snorted impatiently.

“Um, Ginny, I think the situation is more serious than that,� Harry said, peering out from the foliage.

“What? They aren’t killing anything, are they?� Ginny asked perplexedly, coming next to Harry to look through the foliage.

“Oh. My. Gawd.�

“I thought only American ditzes said that,� Harry commented.

“Shut up,� Ginny retorted, “who would have thought that one old lady would be able to cause so much damage?�

“It’s a pretty original method though,� Harry said thoughtfully.

“To enchant a duck suit to kill your first ‘copy’?� Ginny asked in disbelief. “It’s just plain insane.�

“Actually, I believe it’s a swan suit.�

********************************************

“Okay, you think you are a bird for two minutes and then the whole world is after you about it,� Ron gasped as he and Hermione ran from the enchanted bird costume Ron had previously been forced to wear.

Headmistress Granger B had decided that it would be more terrifying if the swan suit brandished a club. The result was the Ugly Duckling gone wrong.

Very wrong.

“I mean, c’mon, do you see her enchanting a failed quiz to haunt you?� Ron asked as they darted away from the mad Ugly Duckling.

“Quick, towards the Forbidden Forest,� Hermione gasped, out of breath.

“I’m going through an emotional crisis here!� Ron cried out. “Have you been listening to anything I’ve said?� He stopped in disbelief. “My past is haunting me!�

“Ron, your past doesn’t even exist yet.� Hermione called over her shoulder, “Nor will it if you don’t move NOW!�

CRASH!

Fortunately mad Ugly Ducklings with clubs don’t have very good aim, otherwise Ron-suddenly-turned-emo would have been smashed. But because mad Ugly Duckling with clubs don’t have very good aim, all he got was a stubbed toe.

“OW! Now I’m in emotional and physical pain!� he cried out, wincing.

“Ron if you don’t move NOW, you will not be able to ‘heal’ those so-called ‘wounds’!� Hermione snapped impatiently from the edge of the Forbidden Forest.

“I’m not moving from this spot!� Ron shouted indignantly.

Ginny realized it was time for her to take action. “You’ll have a hell lot more of emotional pains when I show the entire middle ages your baby pictures!�

Had the speed of light been discovered back then, I would have said Ron moved as quickly as that, unfortunately in the middle ages, about the fastest thing around was, um, a horse? Or maybe an emu, but whatever it was Ron moved as quickly as it thus was able to escape the mad Ugly Duckling with a club.

********************************************

“Okay, we’re in the forest, there’s a madwoman trying to kill us and she has a deranged Halloween costume bent on killing us,� Ron said, hands on his knees, taking deep gulps of air. His run had, for the moment, removed all other problems from his mind. “Now what?�

Hermione spoke up, with a wicked gleam in her eyes, “We go Headmistress Granger B hunting.�

********************************************

Back at Hogwarts

So bent were the Heads of Houses on making the most formidable tower for their students that they had neglected to notice that four of their helpers were gone. Seeing that wee peasant Jimmy Joe was more of a hindrance than a help, he didn’t count as assistance.

“Damn it you stupid peasant, keep your feet off my grass!� Slytherin snarled at him once he tried to tread upon the ‘sacred ground’.

“These two square feet weren’t there the last time I walked by here,� Jimmy Joe protested.

“AVADA KEDAVRA!�

Just kidding, this is a comedy, no one can die, besides, I need to auction off Jimmy Joe’s identity, if I kill him, he loses significant value. Instead Slytherin just got this evil grin on his face and grabbed a shovel.

“I know where you can touch me!� Thus he began to frantically dig.

********************************************

Headmistress Granger B hunting

“I don’t know if this will work Harry,� Hermione said nervously adjusting her bowstring from her perch in a tree.

“Why not? It worked with Ron. And we’re trying to catch a deranged madwoman, how does that differ from catching a deranged madman?� Harry answered, fiddling with his own bowstring on an adjoining tree.

“Good point,� Hermione consented.

A twig snapped to their left.

Zoom zoom zoom zoom! Four arrows zoomed forward to the source of the noise.

“Do you think we got her?� Ginny whispered.

“I don’t know, lets go and check,� Harry whispered back. They all got out of their hiding places to investigate. At first they didn’t see anything, but then—

“We killed a chipmunk!� Ginny was inconsolable. “An innocent little chipmunk. She was probably going home to feed her baby chipmunks and then zoom! Four madwoman hunters attack her!�

“Ginny, calm down,� Hermione comforted her.

“Calm down? CALM DOWN!� Ginny shrieked. “Tell that to the baby chipmunks. ‘Sorry, but no acorns for you tonight!’�

“It was only her tail,� Harry said, examining the innocent victim closely, “she’s breathing.�

The chipmunk regained consciousness and began chattering at them with great force.

“Whoa, angry chipmunk!� Harry stated, holding up his hands and slowly backing away.

The chipmunk snarled at him and then morphed…into Headmistress Granger B.

“Now I’ve caught you!� she snarled triumphantly.

“RUN!� Harry screamed, but the others were already gone, tearing off through the forest.

********************************************

Once again, back at Hogwarts

“So, I invited a tribe of merpeople to come along and inhabit our lake. You know, to add more prestige to our school,� Godric bragged over a cup of punch. The head of the houses now sought to out do each other in making their school the most impressive. All, that is, except Salazar Slytherin who was still digging…something. Jimmy Joe had worried that it was his own grave.

“We don’t have a lake,� Rowena sneered at him, jealous, she hadn’t thought of anything to add to the school.

“Uh, yeah, about that, the merpeople are bringing their own,� Godric mumbled into his drink.

“BRINGING THEIR OWN?! WHERE ARE THEY GOING TO PUT IT? THE CRATER?!� Rowena snapped at him, standing. Godric grinned back at her sheepishly.

“Well, now that you mention it…� he began as Rowena fumed at him, “ I-I mean, we don’t really need a crater, now do we?�

“WE DON’T NEED A LAKE EITHER!�

“Calm down Rowena,� Helga said, “the lake would supply fresh water to the school.�

“OH, AND I SUPPOSE ONE OF THE STUDENT CHORES WOULD BE TO DRAG TEN GALLONS OF WATER AROUND THE CASTLE!�

“No,� Helga said simply, “I’ve ordered a few house elves to help us out in our chores.�

“WHAT? WHY DOESN’T ANYONE TELL ME THESE THINGS?�

“Well I picked them up in Tiberia and—�

“TO BLAZES WITH TIBERIA!� Rowena shrieked enraged, on one of the walls in the Great Hall was a map of the world. The angry witch strode over to this map and pointed her wand at it.

“EVANESCO!� she cried, her wand angled at Tiberia.

“Rowena! You don’t know what the consequences of vanishing a country are!� Godric cried, stupefied. He was usually the one to make such stupid decisions.

But it was too late, Tiberia had vanished from the map, which is why you cannot find it on there today. Don’t ask me what happened to it’s inhabitants, I have no clue. I think the Romanian techno music I am currently listening to was sending me subliminal messages to get rid of Tiberia so that it wouldn’t give birth to Tiberian techno music. Which would be way better…yeah.

********************************************

Back to Headmistress Granger B hunting, aka escaping evil chipmunk animagus’s

“This is not cool,� Harry panted as they raced to the edge of the Forbidden Forest. Bows and arrows abandoned. The chipmunk recently turned Headmistress Granger B had summoned her mad Ugly Duckling with a club and they were in hot pursuit of the trio, um, I mean, quadrangle.

“Yeah, that chipmunk was so cute,� Ginny said.

“I’m never going to be able to eat chipmunk again,� Ron said, looking green.

The rest of the quadrangle didn’t answer, it was too weird to merit a response.

“Hey, there’s Hogwarts!� Harry said to break the awkward silence.

“Yeah, like that’s going to help us.� Hermione snorted. “The Heads of the Houses are too busy with their own construction to bother with our lives.�

“Ravenclaw hates your evil half though,� Ron said, “this was kind of why she was doing it.�

“They’re all insane, I don’t think they listen to reason,� Hermione scoffed.

“It our only hope,� Harry said and charged straight in the direction of the castle.

But let us retreat to a birds eye view of the whole scene:

The quadrangle were heading towards Hogwarts, the only thing that stood between them and Hogwarts was the crater. But the crater is very deep and hard to get across. Never the less, they sped down the deep crater walls.

“After them!� Headmistress Granger B shrieked to her mad Ugly Duckling with a club. The horrendous costume hesitated for a few seconds and then flew down the side, only to trip on a daisy and crash.

“Oh, for Heaven’s sake,� Headmistress Granger B and followed him/her/it.

Meanwhile Harry, Hermione, Ron and Ginny had all come out on the other side of the crater to where the Heads of Houses (minus Sally) were arguing about the merpeople and the lake.

“What lake?� asked Harry confused.

“THAT LAKE!� Godric cried, pointing to the crater.

“It’s a crater.�

“IT’S A LAKE! IT TOOK ME SIX MONTHS TO BUILD IT!�

“No, it took me five seconds to enchant a boulder to crash into it,� Helga interrupted.

And then, a hole at the bottom of the crater appeared, where Headmistress Granger B was helping her mad Ugly Duckling with a club. Water began to gush from the hole.

“NO!!!� Headmistress Granger B cried, “I’m melting!�

Amazingly enough, she was. In moments she was gone and all that was left was the Time Turner twinkling innocently at the bottom of the crater. And an mad Ugly Duckling with a club that had now turned back in to a frightening costume.

“The Time Turner!� Hermione cried and ran to pick it up. Harry stopped her.

“Harry! That’s our only chance of getting back!� Hermione shrieked. But it was too late, the crater was filling quickly and the Time Turner, as well as the costume had disappeared to the lake’s depths.

“We’ll have to figure out another way,� Harry said regretfully, shaking his head.

“Oh! Good! The merpeople are here!� Godric exclaimed as large silver fish began to flash in the fading sunlight.

********************************************

A/N: The end.

JK! Don’t freak out there will be a few more chapters. But now you know why not to listen to Romanian techno music as you are typing.

Disclaimer: This is quite possibly my favorite part of the whole story. I get to make some absurd claims and you all believe me. Please keep in mind that I am still under the influence. Of Romanian techno, that is. It’s quite sad. All I own is my Romanian techno track. I sold Jimmy Joe and Headmistress Granger B to the devil (aka one of my “friends�) because I had promised him my soul if the mods would validate this chapter. He decided that Headmistress Granger B was a better trade than me, and I threw in Jimmy Joe because I was so eager to get rid of him. But I still have the mad Ugly Duckling with a club (the wooden kind, not the dance kind) who is currently disintegrated at the bottom of the lake for sale starting at 500,000 lbs of gold. Any takers?

---

“Are we allowed to talk yet?� asked Hermione in a whisper, busy trying to keep a horrified expression on her face.

“I don’t know,� Ron answered, trying to the same thing as Hermione and, as usual, failing miserably. “Has that rotten author stopped rambling yet?�

“Ron, you fail miserably at looking scared,� Harry commented, holding a perfect pose of stupefaction on his face. It was very easy for him to do.

“Your author fails miserably.� Ron retorted, twisting the usual ‘your mum’ insult into a very grievous insult indeed.

---

Disclaimer: I regret to inform you that this story will no longer be continued due to the fact that I had to drop an atomic bomb on top of one Ronald Weasley. Unfortunately, this killed all the other characters and the setting as well. Thank you!

Disclaimer: I regret to inform you that I have not been able to exact my revenge because no one nowadays has any respect for artistic creativity, even if it includes killing all of your main characters at completely random points in the story.

Disclaimer: It would actually be best if you just skipped everything up until Time Turner as it is highly irrelevant to the story. Thank you for your time!

---

By the newly inondated lake

“The Time Turner…� Hermione babbled off weakly, an expression of abject horror on her face. She was busy staring at the murky blue waters of the lake.

“Hermione give it up, you’ve been there forever!� Ron said, “Let’s get you something to eat.�

“It’s only been five minutes, Ronald.� Hermione snapped impatiently and went back to feeling sorry for herself.

---

“The Time Turner…� Hermione babbled off weakly, an expression of abject horror on her face. She was busy staring at the murky blue waters of the lake.

“Hermione give it up, you’ve been there forever!� Ron said, “Let’s get you something to eat.�

“It’s only been ten minutes, Ronald.� Hermione snapped impatiently and went back to feeling sorry for herself.

---

“Are you done moping? Rowena needs help in the kitchen.�

“AVADA KEDAVRA!�

Just kidding, as you can see I’m not allowed to kill off deliberately rude characters because it goes against my moral beliefs. But they really don’t exist, still I like Hermione and she and Ron are destined to have 20 children together so I can’t kill him off… yet.

“Er, Hermione?� Ron asked, feeling a bit flushed.

“What Ron?� Hermione glowered at him.

“Er, it’s not ‘that time of the month’, is it?� Ron asked cautiously, “I mean, you seem a bit more uptight than usual…�

“What are you talking about Ronald? The only things I have to be uptight about are the facts that: a) I’m stuck in the past,
b) The past sucks,
c) I’m stuck with the biggest idiot in the past, yes, that would be you,
d) and half of me just drowned at the bottom of the lake!�

“Alright, I get the message, I’ll leave you and your ‘woman thing’ alone,� Ron said, backing away slowly.

“What ‘woman thing’?� Hermione demanded, very angry now. “You mean the fact that all women are meant to slave away in the kitchen? That’s why you want me there! How about you go help Rowena cook dinner? Huh? It wouldn’t hurt you for once!�

“Right, the kitchen…you uh…you just go surf on the crimson wave for a while…� with that, Ron turned and bolted.

---

At the newest hole in town; le hole de Slytherin!

“So Sally has been down here for how long again?� Harry asked; he and Godric were both staring down a large wide hole in the ground.

“About a day, or two…� Godric answered, trailing off, unsure.

“Sally!� Harry called down, it echoed strangely. He then pick up a small stone and dropped it down. It started falling…

…and kept falling until…

PLUNK!

“#$&@*%~ peasant! I’ll teach you!� came a snarl from far down below. The stone spun upwards like a rocket and zoomed straight at Harry like a missile of death.

“Duck!� Godric yelled, pushing Harry down. This was a very brave thing to do, but it was also very stupid because the stone struck Godric in the forehead and he keeled right over…

…into Slytherin’s hole.

---

Hogwarts kitchens

“So, what happens when you put potassium in water?� Ron asked curiously, holding a hefty chunk of potassium in his hands. Don’t ask me where he got it, raw materials were easier to find back then. A/N: For those of you who are not taking chemistry, potassium explodes when it reacts with water, a very violent explosion. We watched a very bad documentary about a teacher who threw a chunk of potassium into a wading pool with all her second grade students crowding around and they all got 3rd degree burns. I’m not quite sure if this is true because in the portrayal, quite a few of the students looked suspiciously like Barbie dolls.

Disclaimer: No second graders were harmed in the making of this chapter.

“DON’T!� Rowena cried out, “I need to use that to get rid of Godric’s mermaids!� She was obviously still smarting over the fact that Godric had brought in a magnificent group of magical creatures and she hadn’t.

“Godric’s a mermaid?� asked Jimmy Joe, fascinated; would the wonders of the magical world never cease?

“Are you a hag, then? Professor Hufflepuff told me about them, and she described them to look exactly like you.� he added knowledgeably.

“Oh, Jimmy Joe,� Rowena said in a sweet voice, “how about you go feed Helga, I mean, Professor Hufflepuff, some of this delicious potassium?�

“I don’t know,� Jimmy Joe said suspiciously, “she told me specifically not to accept food from hags.�

“AVADA KEDAVRA!�

Again, I am kidding, because Matt, I mean, the devil needs his Jimmy Joe alive and well. Instead Rowena began to stir the soup more fervently than ever before and stew over her problems with the other professors in the school.

---

At the bottom of Slytherin’s hole

“Blimey, where am I?� Godric mumbled to himself as he gazed around the darkness surrounding him.

“Who…dares…enter…the…sacred…lair…of….Slytherin?� came a wavering voice from the depths of the darkness.

“Sacred…Salazar! What the #$&@ do you think you’re doing?� Godric asked, standing up. He could see a little, thanks to the fact that it was still sunny out and there was a hole right over his head.

Which is a very stupid thing to do, because certain objects may fall down that same hole. This is especially unfortunate if the object is a 130 lb. 13 year old boy.

PLUNK! Squish!

“Sacred Salazar! I just landed on Sally!� Harry exclaimed jumping to his feet.

“Huffing Helga! Sally just landed on me!� Godric exclaimed, jumping to his feet after Harry had peeled himself off of him.

“YOU!� they both exclaimed at the same time pointing at each other, realizing that the other was not Salazar Slytherin.

“Wait, if you’re here, where’s Sally?� Godric asked, thoroughly confused.

“I was once…known…by the name…of…Sally.� Answered some poor, sunlight deprived creature as it emerged into the tiny hole of sunlight on the tunnel floor.

---

By Hogwarts lake

“Erm, Hermione, are you sure you’re alright?� Ron asked now thoroughly concerned. Hermione was busy fiddling with some hollow reeds and wood.

“Of course I’m alright. Well, except for all the reasons previously stated, I’m absolutely spanking.� Hermione retorted, fixing the end of one hollow reed into the secure wooden box.

Ron tried hard not to think of her unusual use of language. “What are you doing with the box then?�

“I am attempting to duplicate a modern day aqua-lung.� Hermione explained as if this were obvious.

“You mean we’re in the middle of the ages and all you want to do is scuba dive?� Ron asked, scandalized.

“It’s the middle ages, not the middle of the ages and yes, I want to scuba dive because it’s the only thing that’s going to help us. Oh, flibbertigibbet!� Hermione exclaimed as one of the reeds popped off.

At the word ‘flibbertigibbet’ (A/N: According to Microsoft Word’s spellcheck, it is a word) something peculiar happened to Ron, his head snapped a little, he straightened his back and began rattling off;

“It won’t work any ways, because water can seep through the wood of the box and the pressure would cause the box to pop. Besides, with no pump, soon you’d just be breathing in carbon dioxide, also called CO2.� Ron said in an unusually professional voice.

Hermione’s jaw dropped.

“What the flibbertigibbet just happened to you?�

At the word ‘flibbertigibbet’ however, Ron’s head sagged back to normal and his shoulders slumped. He frowned.

“I dunno.� Was all he could say. “After I asked Rowena if I could eat some potassium, she fed me this potion that was supposed to help my already superior intellect—�

“Wait,� Hermione interrupted, “Rowena said you had a superior intellect?�

“Well, no, but I thought it sounded cool.� Ron admitted sheepishly, “Anyways, she got frustrated with herself because she couldn’t find the right activation word.�

“You mean the word that makes the potion work as well as stop?� Hermione asked, impressed with Rowena’s potion making skills. “Well, I obviously activated it, as well as deactivated it…hmm…� she was deep in thought.

“Oh Flibbertigibbet,� she cursed, then paused, “wait, that’s it! Flibbertigibbet! Oh flibbertigibbet flibbertigibbet!� she exclaimed happily.

Meanwhile Ron was having an odd sort of seizure every time Hermione said and unsaid the word ‘flibbertigibbet’ but that’s not really important. Hermione decided to use Ron’s short-term knowledge to her advantage.

“Flibbertigibbet!� she cried. Ron became Smart-Ron, believe me there’s a big difference between the two.

“What is the best way to retrieve a small object from the bottom of a lake?� Hermione asked Smart Ron sweetly.

---

“Y’know Sally, you’re really starting to scare me,� Godric mentioned as Hermit Sally emerged. His hair was tangled, as well as his beard. His emerald green robes had magically turned blackish brown and his eyes squinted in the soft light.

“Who dares…� he began in a creepy old man voice.

“Yes, yes we already know that bit,� Godric interrupted impatiently. “Sally, you’ve sort of dug yourself into a hole, both emotionally and physically. Harry and I both want to help you out of it.�

“What? No I don’t.� Harry protested, raising his hands up as if to push the idea away.

“Yes you do…�Godric growled at him.

“Uh, so, how are we going to get back up this hole?� Harry asked, trying to change the subject.

“You’re changing the subject!� Godric snarled.

“I am?� Harry asked, feigning surprise, “From what?�

“From…uh…I’ll get back to you on that…� Godric trailed off, uncertain, again.

“You should not be here…the sacred Slytherin does not like to have his lair intruded upon…� mumbled Sally.

“Shut up Sally! Since when did you start talking in third person anyways?� Godric asked him.

“Since the sacred Salazar Slytherin entered his lair…�Sally said.

“Y’know, I once read an article in a Muggle newspaper about underground gases,� Harry commented thoughtfully.

“And the point of you telling me this is?� Godric spat, now thoroughly annoyed with Harry.

“Well, maybe Sally breathed in one to many of these fumes and thus he’s gone a bit, you know…� Harry stuck his tongue out of his mouth and crossed his eyes.

“Splendid, my best friend is the world’s first huffer!� Godric huffed, “Do you have anyway to fix him?�

“The sacred Salazar needs to go confer with his spirits,� mumbled Hermit Sally and began to totter off.

“No, wait Sally, you can’t go! It is possible to stop!� Godric cried out, desperate to help his friend. “I can help you get over your addiction!�

“Chaw! No you can’t!�

“What does ‘chaw’ mean?�

“I dunno, thought it sounded cool,� Sally admitted, running a hand through his dirty hermit-like hair. Then remembering that he had a ‘meeting with spirits’ he ran down a tunnel.

“NO!� Godric cried, and ran after him. It took Harry a bit longer to realize that they had left.

“Hey! Wait up for me!�

---

At the lake

“Are you sure this will work?� Hermione asked Smart Ron. She had discovered that Smart Ron was also a very determined worker, in less than an hour, he had dug up an iron mine and hammered together what looked like a primitive aqua lung.

“Absolutely, but I can’t let you go down there, it’s far to dangerous, this is the job for a man!� Smart Ron drew himself up to full height. Hermione was impressed in spite of herself. Smart and heroic, and all for the word ‘flibbertigibbet’.

“Alright, but be careful…� she said, after all, it wasn’t like Ron was going to hear the word ‘flibbertigibbet’ underwater anyways. Who would say it, the mermaids?

“Wish me luck,� Smart Ron said, strapping on the aqua-lung and giving Hermione a quick kiss on the cheek before diving in.

Hermione stood there and watched him disappear, gingerly touching the spot where he had kissed her.

In the lake

Smart Ron swam around kind of randomly at first, still kind of giddy about kissing Hermione. After all he was still Ron, only on brain steroids. Then the potion kicked in and he determinedly swam towards the ocean floor. He had secretly known it was rather hopeless, the waves in the water would have swept the Time Turner around and the sand would have covered it up.

But to his luck, he saw a familiar glint of gold in a nearby patch of seaweed. He swam closer; it was the golden Time Turner chain! And it was hooked around a tall shoot of seaweed. (How seaweed started growing in the lake hours after the lake became has not been disclosed.) He eagerly tugged at the chain, looking for the most important part, the small hourglass that was at the bottom of the chain. Only…

…it wasn’t there. The chain had been broken and the little hourglass was missing. Using his Smart Ron skills, he carefully examined where the Time Turner had been separated from its chain. He could see distinct marks, which, (thanks to his Smart Ron skills) he was able to analyze as the marks of merpeople claws.

The merpeople. Evil creatures, he would have to go to them next, and see what they knew of the Time Turner. He changed his direction and swum towards the big boulder that had started the whole lake thing.

At the lakeshore

Hermione was anxiously awaiting Smart Ron’s return. It had been over two hours, where could he be? He knew that the aqua-lungs only lasted three hours.

“Waiting for someone?� Rowena asked, coming up to Hermione, only she said it distractedly, as though she didn’t really care about the answer.

“Well, yes, um… Rowena, what are you doing with that lump of potassium in your hands?�

---

In Sally’s hole

“Oh. My. God.� Harry said; surveying the chamber he had chased Godric and Sally into. It was, in case you haven’t guessed this already, the Chamber of Secrets. The pillars and statue in memorial to Salazar Slytherin were newly carved. The emeralds shining brightly, the snakes appeared even more alive now than they had the last year when he had battled here. Thought technically it had been hundreds and thousands of years in the future. Godric was consoling Sally at the base of the statue.

“Look, Sally, so what if you don’t have a tower to call your own?� Godric was saying. “This place is magnificent! Come to the surface Sally, we need to see you.�

“Really?� sniffled Sally.

“Really.� Godric assured him.

“Well, I won’t!� Sally said, losing all pretense of being sad.

“W-what? What do you mean you won’t?� Godric asked Sally, taken aback.

“I lured you down here to use my secret weapon on you!� Sally giggled evilly.

“Your…secret…weapon?� Godric asked slowly. His best friend was his best friend no longer, in his place was a deranged lunatic.

“Yes, this!� Sally called out in triumph; from beneath a random blanket he produced a bored looking frog sitting on top of what looked to be…

“Is that a chicken egg?� Harry asked curiously, coming over to them. “A frog sitting on a chicken egg is your secret weapon?�

“Shut up! All is not as it seems.� Sally said, waving his hand around. “You think you see a frog sitting on top of a chicken egg, but that is because you are simpletons! A true genius, like myself looks at this and sees the most powerful weapon of them all!�

“Okay, you’ve officially become a lunatic.� Godric said, shaking his head. He hoped the damage would be reversible, he really like playing cards with Sally.

“Fool!� Sally roared, “This is the most lethal creature of the animal world! The Basalisk…� he let his words echo eerily around the chamber.

“Okay, you’re officially weirding me out.� Godric stated, backing away. “And now that I’m using the word ‘official’ to describe your mental situation, I’m going to become a psychologist.�

“No.� Harry whispered in a small voice, “He’s right, it is a Basilisk, I remember having to defeat one of them in my second year.�

“Really? How did you do it?� Sally asked, impressed.

“With Godric’s sword.� Harry answered.

“I have a sword?� Godric asked confused.

“Godric has a sword?� Sally asked, equally confused, then, “Your weapon is going to kill my baby!� He pointed at Harry, “You are going to kill my baby!� He cradled the tedious frog sitting on the egg to his chest.

“Okay…I really wasn’t expecting that.� Harry said, feeling scarred for life.

---

At the bottom of the lake

“So, listen,� Smart Ron said, though he knew it was futile. “That little gold thing isn’t a god, it’s called a Time Turner and I need it.� (Being Smart Ron he could speak merspeak.)

“Be gone, water demon with funny lungs,� spoke the chief priest of the merpeople.

“But I need that!� Ron protested.

“Shut up fool! You don’t!�

Time was running out though. Ron had been arguing with the merpeople for over an hour. It had taken him a while to navigate his way through the newly resurrected mer-city to the mer-temple where he had found the Time Turner sitting in the position of utmost importance on the mer-altar. He only had fifteen minutes left on his aqua-lungs, so he took a deep gulp of breath and dove for the altar.

“Hey! What do you think you’re doing!� screamed the merpriest in rage.

But the Time Turner was in Ron’s hands and he was speeding for the top of their flimsily constructed water temple.

He was through! The entire mer-tribe was chasing him, but he didn’t care, he raced for the top.

“Demon of unknown origins,� roared the merpriest, “I condemn you to removed from this element!�

BOOM!

---

At the lake’s surface

“Ach! Gerroff me, Hermione!� Rowena squealed as Hermione tackled her.

“You killed Smart Ron!� Hermione screamed in a rage, punching Rowena repetitively. It was true, Rowena had just thrown the massive chunk of potassium into the lake. The result was a large boom, and the end of this chapter.

---

A/N: So…we leave you with Ron’s fate uncertain, Harry and Godric stuck with a frog-hatching-egg worshiping hermit miles below the ground and Jimmy Joe, Helga and Ginny completely absent from this chapter. What will happen?

Disclaimer: As I’m sure you all remember, we left off the last chapter with Smart Ron in a lake that had exploded with potassium. Harry and Godric are stuck miles underground with Sally and a soon-to-be basilisk. Hermione is attacking Rowena. And Helga, Jimmy Joe and Ginny are AWOL.

Also, a surprise for my 100th reviewer! (I don’t make too much fun of you, I swear.) By the way, you’re a guy because that’s easiest for me. I just needed a snappy name and yours worked perfectly.

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Speaking of Helga and Jimmy Joe…

“Line up!�

About a dozen house elves scurried in a straight line in front of a small, elf shaped kitchen door. They all wore the same morose expression of servitude. Except for one fellow. While others had their shoulders hunched, his back was straight. Instead of looking at the ground, he gazed intensely at the three wizards surveying him and his kin.

“Now,� said Helga, marching up and down the line of obedient house elves, “in order, please tell the delightful fellow over there your name and which ever chore you are best at.�

Jimmy Joe sat behind a make shift desk with a quill in hand looking proud. He had no idea how to read; after all, he was a peasant. But the quill wrote by itself, so if he held onto it lightly, it looked like he knew what he was doing. One by one the elves stepped up the desk and recited their name and job of choice.

“Dimples, dishwashing.�

“Quinley, dusting.�

“Scrumper, scrubbing.�

“Hobblin, washing.�

“Fumblestilks, carpentry.�

“Pillowface, polishing.�

And on and on it went until…

“Honeydude, and I want to be on Broadway!�

“…on Broadway…wait, Broadway?� Jimmy Joe asked in surprise, letting go of the quill. It settled down, its job done. “You said your name was…Honeydude?�

“It’s not master,� cried out a house elf named Mabel (she liked to cook), “his name’s Dobbles!�

“Heh, heh, Dobby for short,� said Honeydude giving an impish house elf grin and a bow. “But I prefer Honeydude.�

“Uh…uh…� Jimmy Joe stuttered, completely at loss for words.

“Though maybe honeyDude, or how about honey_dude, nah, doesn’t have a nice ring to it,� Honeydude said, talking to himself, “I know! HD, you can call me HD. Now there’s a name with pizzazz, I can see my name embroidering the curtains on Broadway right now!�

“Er…um…I think you’re supposed to tell me which job you’d rather do…� Jimmy Joe trailed off, uncertain. Then decided he should bring in the big guns to deal with this miscreant. “HELGA!�

---

Speaking of Ginny…

“What? What? No one was speaking of me!� exclaimed a disgruntled Ginny.

Not speaking of Ginny…

“No! Wait! You’ve completely ignored me for an entire chapter! Let me tell you’ve what I’ve been doing this whole time!�

A very boring account of what Ginny has been doing this whole time. (Now you know why I excluded her from the last chapter.)

“Well first I sat on that rock over there,� Ginny explained pointing to a rock a few feet away. “Then I moved to that stump because the rock got too sunny. Then I realized there was a bug on the stump so I moved to that patch of grass over there…�

---

Miles underground

“Any minute now,� Sally breathed excitedly, gazing lovingly at the frog sitting on top of a chicken egg.

“Untie us now!� Godric demanded, upset. In a surprising burst of strength born of parental protection, Sally had tied both Harry and Godric to the base of one of the pillars so they could not harm his soon-to-be basilisk.

“No! My baby will be hungry when he hatches,� Sally said, giving Harry and Godric a loony grin.

“Sally, why are you doing this to us?� Harry asked as he fought against the ropes that bound him.

“Because of pestering peasants that he agreed to let into our school,� Sally sniffed in Godric’s direction, “and because I want too!� His face broke into a gleeful grin.

“Bloody hell, I didn’t like that peasant either!� Godric protested, wriggling around in his ropes.

“You only say that now because you’re all tied up!� pouted Salazar.

crack

---

Back to Ginny

“And then I sat on that rock over there! Then I fell asleep, but some emus woke me up and so I moved to…�

Moving on…

---

And now, the little elf that could

“I do so love to sing!� sang HD the little elf with big dreams that I invented purely for my own- albeit, twisted- amusement.

“Maybe if we lock him up in a big box and throw him in the lake…� Helga was running over ideas of what to do with the troublesome elf. So far he had neglected to stir the soup because he thought the spoon looked like a microphone, danced with a few house elves trying to carry tea trays and stepped on sacred Slytherin land.

The last one would seem unimportant, after all, the ‘sacred Salazar’ was miles below the ground coveting a frog, but he had left a few primitive landmines planted in the ground. And the explosion had caused the roast beef to turn green. Helga was thoroughly fed up with the little elf, but she couldn’t figure out what to do with him. Threatening him with clothes didn’t work because then he would start singing ‘Born to be Free!’ A/N: I swear I hate that song, but it is the ultimate song to make fun of. (After all the movies terrible, no one says ‘lets raise lions!’ unless they’re suicidal.)

“Uh, miss?� Jimmy Joe asked cautiously, ever since her roast beef had turned green, Helga had become irritable.

“Yes, what is it?� demanded the unhappy Hufflepuff.

“Er, nothing Proffesor,� Jimmy Joe mumbled, “jus’ thought you might wanna know that the rogue house elf is on the loose.�

“What?� demanded Helga, her face turning a lovely shade of red.

“He’s escaped miss,� Jimmy Joe explained, then seeing how furious Helga was looking, he decided to try complimenting her to calm her down, “and may I say that your face is an absolutely gorgeous shade of red?�

“AVADA KEDAVRA!� (A/N: Whoops! Sorry! That was the theme for the last chapter, it didn’t happen, just forget I even wrote it there.)

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Miles and miles below ground (again)

“It’s hatching! Oh yes! Wake up my darling!� Salazar Slytherin cooed to the egg sitting beneath the frog. Small cracks could be seen on the surface of the eggshell.

Back to Harry and Godric who were valiantly struggling to release the ropes that bound them. But seeing as they were magically bound, it was futile. That was, until Godric remembered some rather important information.

“Harry, I have a knife in a back pocket of my robe, see if you can try and grab it.�

So Harry, after much twisting and turning, uncomfortably pulled the knife out. He then attempted to saw through the ropes.

“Hey! That my robes you trying to cut through, move your hand a little to the left.�

“Here?� Harry asked, he couldn’t exactly see, the knife was out of his line of vision.

“Yes, perfect, now up down up down.�

Sally paid them no attention; he was busy waiting for the basilisk to hatch. “C’mon, c’mon,� he muttered at the egg.

---

“…and then the whole herd of emus attacked me and I had to seek shelter in that nearby hollow tree…�

Okay, shut up already, you barely moved at all. I’m not paying any attention to you!

“You’d better!� Ginny exclaimed, thoroughly annoyed at the author. “I spent a whole chapter doing this!�

Disclaimer: The author would like to inform the general public that she is not obligated to input every stinking little thing that has happened to very boring people.

“Turn that thing off!� protested Ginny. “I’m not boring! Just you wait and see! I’m going to go find a way to get us back!�

You go do that.

“I will!� Ginny stated adamantly. Then she paused, “Now, which way is the Time Turner?�

Try the lake.

“Okay!� Ginny pointed her feet into the general direction of the lake. She called back over her shoulder, “Make sure you pay more attention to me in your next fic!�

I highly doubt I will.

A large rock flew from the directing in which Ginny had disappeared and hit the author in the head.

---

Back to HD, the singing elf!

“The hills are alive! With the sound of music…� sang the amiable little creature as he skipped along the grass. He was attempting to reenact a musical he had never heard of, it was called, The Sound of Music. He spotted a lake; it would be perfect to skip across.

“I have skipped over burbling brooks and bends…�

And the scene backs up about two feet to Jimmy Joe and Helga who are anxiously scanning every spare inch of earth for a sign of HD. So intent are they in their search that they fail to see the little house elf skipping right in front of them.

“He, pant pant must wheeze be around here gasp somewhere!� Jimmy Joe gasped, out of breath. In the distance there could be heard a little singing. But they didn’t pay any attention to it, after all they were looking for a singing elf, and who had ever heard of a singing elf singing?

“Yes, I wheeze think you’re pant pant right,� Helga puffed, her eyes intent on the ground.

This little parade continued for about a hundred more feet until Jimmy Joe, so fastidious in his ground gazing, nearly fell into the lake.

“AH! Professor! I fell into the lake!� cried Jimmy Joe in despair.

“Don’t be ridiculous, you only half fell in,� Professor Hufflepuff reasoned.

“Wah!� wailed Jimmy Joe, only then, “Look! Look Professor! It’s the madly entertaining house-elf!�

And so it was, Professor Hufflepuff wasted no time. “Catch him!� she yelled, plunging into the lake where little HD was singing songs from The Little Mermaid.

---

Now, you may be wondering just what on earth has happened to the lake, after all, Rowena did throw that lump of potassium into it. Here is where I disappoint you all. Mwahahahaha! I can feel the power! Anyways, the lump of potassium Rowena lobbed in direction of the lake was rather small and it made a nice little explosion. It is best you examine the word little and then compare it to the large lake.

So all that really happened was a small fountain of boiling water and the only casualties were a few dead fish. And possibly Rowena, if Hermione has her way.

“You…killed…Smart Ron!� Hermione wailed, while pulling the hair out of Rowena’s head, Rowena slumped down, unconscious, “That was a very bad thing to do! I liked him, heck I loved him.�

And at that Hermione fell to the ground and began to weep. We have a nice little soap opera going on here, in fact, it would have been better if Hermione were pregnant and had just now discovered that the father of her child was dead. But this isn’t a soap opera and these kids are thirteen so it would not work. And then someone decided to come along and wipe away Hermione’s tears.

“Hermione!� called out a jubilant voice.

“Go away!� Hermione sobbed, “There’s no point in going on, Ron is dead.�

“Er, Hermione,� the voice insisted.

“I said…� Hermione began, raising her face to glare at the callous bloke who was trying to make conversation with her, and then…�Ron,� Hermione said in disbelief.

“Who else were you expecting?� asked Ron, giving Hermione a big, 100-watt grin. Hermione wrapped Ron up in a big hug.

“I thought you were dead,� she sobbed. Ron patted her on the shoulder, searching for the right words to say. Because there really is no correct response to such a statement. But since it is the end and I’m feeling happy, he said the right thing.

“Well, I’m alive and…�he paused dramatically. Hermione brushed her tears away and looked up questioningly, “I have the time turner!�

“Oh, Ron!� Hermione cried out, exuberant. She was so happy she moved in to hug him again.

And through some odd consequence of facial placement, they ended up snogging.

Moving on…

---

Ginny was on her way to the lake when she came across an odd formation in the ground. What was this spectacular view? Well, nothing special really, just a hole in the ground. A very, very large hole…

in the hole

“Sally, your days of hermit-hood are over!� Godric cried, jumping to his feet.

“B-but, my basilisk,� Salazar protested. At that exact moment the egg cracked open. Despite themselves, Harry and Godric craned their necks to see what was inside.

And all they saw was a dark slimy thing resembling a large leech. This had a profoundly sobering effect on Sally.

“Eww,� he said, and then turned to Godric, “that was nasty. Let’s leave.�

“Agreed,� Godric nodded and the three of them left the silly little ‘chamber of secrets’ Sally had built and levitated themselves out of the hole.

“Wow,� said Ginny to Harry, “I think I might stand next to holes more often if you’re going to fly out of them.�

“Let’s go home Ginny,� Harry told her. And they all proceeded down to the lake.

---

At the lake

Ron and Hermione were still snogging when everyone got there/came to.

“Urgh,� grumbled Rowena as she woke up.

“Bleah,� said Helga and Jimmy Joe together, spitting out lake water.

“You gotta kiss the girl,� sang HD, still working his way through the Little Mermaid soundtrack.

Hermione and Ron broke apart quickly and start fumbling for excuses, but no one could really understand what they were saying until…

“Mumble mumble drowned mumble mumble Time Turner mumble…�

“Time Turner!� cried Ginny excitedly, “You guys have the Time Turner?�

“Um…yeah,� Ron said, he brandished the tarnished gold chain with the Time Turner re-attached to it.

“Well let’s use it then!� Harry cried excitedly, he turned to the others. “Listen guys, it’s been a great time, getting to meet you and have you try to kill us and all…�

“Aww,� said Sally, looking down at his feet abashedly, “group hug!�

And a large meteor of potassium lands in the middle of the lake.

KIDDING!

“Okay, Hermione, you ready?� Harry asked Hermione as she draped the chain around his, her, Ron and Ginny’s necks.

“Yes,� she said. She smiled at the assembled group one last time and then began to turn the little hourglass rapidly. To the onlookers, they vanished.

“Well,� said Godric, rubbing his hands together, “who’s up for a game of poker? I’m feeling lucky!�

“Luck be a lady tonight,� sang HD.

---

At the poker table

“Alright, I accept your bid and raise you my ‘secret chamber’,� Sally said to the large group assembled around the poker table.

“I mean your bid and raise you half the Forbidden Forest,� Godric said, pushing forward some miniature trees, which were obviously supposed to represent the Forbidden Forest.

“I meet those bids and throw in Ravenclaw tower, after all, who needs it?� Rowena said, pushing forward a mini tower.

“Yeah,� Helga agreed, “can you believe that we had planned on being school teachers?�

She looked around the group of her best friends, all of whom were trying to keep straight faces. Then they broke out into laughter.

“Haha, yeah, I mean what would we have to offer kids?� Godric laughed.

“Haha, you’re right Godric,� Rowena giggled, “all you could do would be to pout and whine at them. Maybe teach them why over-inflated egos are bad after they see your’s.�

“Haha-hey!� Godric protested.

“Tee hee, or maybe ‘how-to-look-like-an-orangatan’, that’s what your poker face looks like anyways,� Salazar added.

“Oh yeah?� fumed Godric, “Well, what would you offer them? All you would do would say ‘you suck now die’.�

“I would not!� Salazar protested.

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THE END