***************************************************

Voldemort sat glumly at the finest oak desk the goblins had ever been tortured into making, and found himself at a complete loss as to what to write.

As the most malevolent wizard in the Wizarding World, hell-bent on world domination, he had somewhat of a reputation of being an evil genius.

Unfortunately, Voldemort was rather worried that he would never go down into the history books the way he hoped to - as iconic and charismatic. He much preferred everyone to be in no doubt that he was the greatest Dark Wizard alive through complete wickedness, not some Half-Blood who decided on world domination through his own insecurities.

Voldemort feared his ruthless dominance of Muggles might go misinterpreted unless he wrote his own exploits himself, as an insightful view into his interesting life, to say the least.

It was necessary, therefore, for him to hurry up with this journal. He had already nearly succeeded in overthrowing good, apart from that blasted Potter boy who kept on interfering with his plans.

He had been inches from death, sharing other beings’ bodies; almost got the Philosopher’s Stone to grant him eternal life; almost destroyed the meddling Boy-Who-Lived as a mere memory; and had finally returned back to full power, with plenty of followers behind him.

It was an attention-grabbing plot, but it was missing something.

Okay, it was missing several somethings.

His first page read like this:

Lord Voldemort: A Transformation

Well, it had read like that until he had decided that the title didn’t have nearly enough depth. Voldemort squinted at the page with his ruby eyes. He had the finest desk, a quill that he had stolen from Albus Dumbledore, which was a mean feat, and about a billion slaves - but the words didn’t flow as easily as he had hoped.

His revised first page read like this:

The Other Side of The World’s Most Notorious Criminal.

Voldemort was then interrupted by one of his most favoured Death Eaters, Lucius Malfoy. Malfoy was a slippery eel when it came to social occasions in pro-Muggle circles, and Voldemort liked his malice entirely.

However, he was most annoyed to see that Malfoy’s cold grey eyes dart to his much-scribbled-on page, which was clear evidence that the autobiography was not going well.

“My lord, a shipment of Mud-bloods has been reported to have escaped in Armenia. Our Death-Eaters naturally did not think of them as priority…they are Muggles after all - but it seems we are immensely disadvantaged, due to the fact they have guns. A crude Muggle imitation of a wand, but it could render some of our top Death-Eaters useless, my Lord. I am so terribly sorry - believe me, if there was anything I could do in my power, I would do it, O Mighty One -�

Voldemort had switched off around the word ‘priority’ - it was clear Malfoy had done something wrong, and it had to do with Muggles, however it was common, Death-Eater-initiated knowledge that Muggles were annoying twerps who could only imitate magic through machines, and needed to be purged from the human race.

At that current moment, he was more concerned about his autobiography’s title.

“Lucius, would The Other Side of The World’s Most Notorious Criminal be too long?�

Lucius Malfoy blinked. He swallowed hard, and decided that the Dark Lord could easily blow him up in the Muggle-like fashion if he did not think of a reply quickly.

“Sir, if you don’t mind me asking, what other side of you is there? I was of the humble opinion that you were completely evil.�

Voldemort was flummoxed.

He hadn’t thought of the fact that he was entirely evil. The ‘other side’ suggested depth though - depth which the autobiography didn’t have.

It was purely evil all the way through, and it showed no signs of remorse at all.

Voldemort understood that many book-buyers feel things called - what’s the word? - emotions so it was best to put some of them in. There would be no great cliff-hanger without some emotional pull from somewhere or other.

Of course, this would mean lying to his fans, but on second thoughts Voldemort wisely decided that he was more notorious for being a liar than anything else, so it fitted quite nicely.

“I have feelings of conscience, every once in a while, Lucius,� retorted Voldemort.

Lucius tried not to raise his eyebrows. Voldemort, whilst a notorious liar, was not always a good one.

Still, it was best to let the Master carry out his own plan. In the meantime, Lucius could “accidentally� lose more Muggles in some remote places like deserts - where they would die.

Accidentally.

Lucius bowed low, careful not to look at the parchment again, “Of course, my Lord. Perhaps you would consider something snappy - like, Sifting Through The Trash- or something along those lines. I have full faith in you, Master.�

Lucius swept out of the room, leaving Voldemort alone with his writer’s block.

Sifting Through The Trash: A Novel

An autobiography of Pure Evil

The iconic tale of the famed Dark Wizard, Lord Voldemort.

Unafraid and on his way to becoming the most powerful wizard history has ever recorded, he now pauses to turn back and examine how he worked his way to greatness.

But how did he do it? What obstacles did the most feared Dark Lord overcome in order to become what he is today? Sifting through the trash looks at his daredevil exploits through his own eyes - and is sure to be one of the greatest novels of all time.

Voldemort leaned back in his chair and studied the prologue. It would need some work, and something more - like the POV of a slave or an arch-enemy thrown in there.

It would serve to reinforce the fact that he had no remorse - a good reminder when you have a billion, two thousand, six hundred and ninety-eight slaves to sort through, who try and rebel every once and a while.

Voldemort summoned his secretary to him. “Get me Harry Potter. I need a fresh angle.�

The secretary looked purely astounded. “Sir, with all due respect, Harry Potter is sitting his NEWTs at Hogwarts, the safest magical establishment in the world, with Albus Dumbledore and Moody sniffing around -�

“I DON’T CARE IF CORNELIUS FUDGE IS THERE! I HAVE WRITER’S BLOCK, AND THAT IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN HARRY POTTER’S NEWTS!� exploded Voldemort.

“B-b-but, Dark Lord, he is very well-protected and -�

“I don’t care how you do it. I don’t really care if Potter gets a D in all his exams. He’s my arch-nemesis and this book’s viewpoint has just blown right open!�

His secretary began to back away. They hadn’t succeeded in capturing Harry Potter when Voldemort was focused entirely on killing him - so how was she meant to get him to write a chapter out of the blue?

“AND GET ME ALBUS DUMBLEDORE TO DO THE FORWARD!� yelled Voldemort after her.

Voldemort leaned back in his chair, exhausted.

Writing a title was hard work.

*************************************************

A week after Voldemort had expressed his desire for more POV on his success, Albus Dumbledore sat in the waiting room reading an article entitled Horklumps: Killers in disguise in the latest edition of The Quibbler.

Within two hours of Voldemort’s temper tantrum, the Death Eaters had a bumbling boy named Neville Longbottom as a hostage, with the demand that Harry Potter and Albus Dumbledore give literary advice to Voldemort. Within four hours, Albus Dumbledore legally became Harry Potter’s manager, and within another eight, Neville Longbottom was released.

Voldemort’s secretary, a bored-looking woman who believed Voldemort to be a kindred spirit rather than a maniac, appeared, and beckoned Dumbledore.

“The Dark Lord will see you now.�

“Voldemort?� asked Dumbledore politely, his bright blue eyes twinkling. The secretary winced, nodded, and Dumbledore followed her.

As they walked, Dumbledore courteously interrogated her.

Courteously, of course.

“Has Tom actually slowed the flow of his Muggle attacks, and more concerned with becoming an author, these days?� he began amicably enough.

“He wants a new angle,� replied the secretary simply.

“I thought he wanted the entire Muggle race dead?�

“No, no, the massacre is scheduled for next June. Until then the Dark Lord is quite free to perfect his penmanship.�

“Could you give me the exact date of that massacre? It’s just that I’m due to be visiting my brother Aberforth in June and I don’t want the two events to clash.�

The secretary looked at Dumbledore strangely.

“I thought the Order of the Phoenix was onto our every plan?� she sneered.

“Oh no,� contradicted Dumbledore, “we have to make time for Wizard Chess, and as we are approaching the tournament, tracking Voldemort’s movements has been prioritised as second-most-important activity.�

The secretary was saved from working out whether this was a joke or not by the fact that they had reached Voldemort’s office. She knocked twice.

“Who is it?� asked Voldemort, even though he knew full well who it was.

“Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, and a charming young lady known as ‘Secretary’,� answered Dumbledore.

The door swung open, to reveal the back of a chair. Dumbledore closed the door behind him, and the chair spun round, revealing the menacing figure of Voldemort, stroking a white, fluffy cat who didn’t seem all that happy with the arrangement.

“Ah, Dumbledore. We meet again. Please, sit down.� Voldemort gestured to a hard, oak bench.

“There’ll be no need, Tom. I am quite capable of conjuring a chair myself.� With a flick of his wand, a disastrously lace-covered armchair appeared.

Voldemort very much wanted to destroy the chair, but as he was asking one of his biggest adversary for a favour, he decided that that course of action would be unwise, to say the least.

“Dumbledore, I’ve been a busy man all my life. I think it’s time to look back - and to remember those times that shaped me into the man I am today. I need your input on this…epic. Not to mention Harry’s.�

“Tom, you’re hell-bent on world domination and destroying everything Harry Potter stands for. Do you think we will be likely to help you?�

“It would be wise of you to help me. The longer you keep me occupied with my autobiography, the longer I keep away from killing Mud-Bloods.�

“How do you know I won’t just kill you and let all your plans unravel?�

“Because if you were going to do that you wouldn’t have told me.�

Dumbledore considered this.

“I shall write for you, if that is what you want. However, it’s Harry’s choice.�

Voldemort nodded.

“Quite. But remember, Dumbledore, your part is not meant to be flattering. I want to be known as the most evil, conceited, arrogant and vain wizard this world has ever known - not a man who could ever possibly be redeemed.�

Dumbledore smiled.

“Don’t be in any doubt, Voldemort, I am quite sure that Harry Potter never thought you could be redeemed, and were anything but evil. However, although it is Harry’s choice, I have a good feeling about this.�

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“No,� said Harry bluntly, “absolutely not.�

Harry was in Dumbledore’s office, with his arms crossed, after the headmaster had just proposed the idea of writing a few chapters for Sifting through the trash: a novel.

“Harry, Harry, Harry. Think about this. What are the disadvantages?�

“I am NOT helping Voldemort make millions in book sales!� Harry exclaimed.

He was certain Dumbledore had finally lost it.

“Harry, I’m your manager, and this is all win, win, win!�

“You’re a ruddy useless manager if you think it’s clever for me to just walk into Voldemort’s headquarters and not expect to be killed! Do you know how stupid this sounds?�

“Harry, I’ve been there. It’s a bad case of writer’s block, and I’m sure he’d let you have a cut.�

Dumbledore attempted to level with Harry, who was of the belief that Voldemort could easily lie about anything, to anyone, and he was more than likely to lie to Dumbledore, the only man he had ever feared, than anyone else in the world.

“And I’m sure I wouldn’t do it for a million galleons,� dismissed Harry.

Had Dumbledore been drugged?

“I’ll fail you in your NEWTS if you don’t!� threatened Dumbledore.

It was illegal, risky, and completely against everything the Order of the Phoenix stood for. But then again, so was the cauldron he had bought from Mundungus, and that illegal jaunt hadn’t come back to haunt him yet.

“You wouldn’t,� said Harry in a hushed voice.

“I would and I will. If you won’t do it for fame and fortune and for the sake of saying horrible things about Voldemort, do it for your parents.�

“My parents are dead. He murdered them,� Harry reminded him flatly.

Dumbledore decided to convince Harry a different way.

“Do you think James or Lily would’ve refused to write a few, harmless chapters, Harry?�

“YES!�

Dumbledore considered this. He hoped Harry didn’t know that he was right.

“Well, do it because while the autobiography keeps him occupied, Muggles are being spared!�

Harry was silenced. He had the urge to run away from the office, but the new troll guarding the office door was more than enough reason not to.

Could Dumbledore be right? Could Voldemort really be more vain than destructive?

“I’ll do a chapter. One chapter, for now - and it won’t be flattering in any way imaginable. Tell him that he has to stop killing people for this to work though - we already have enough material to work with.�

“Excellent,� replied the headmaster, and dismissed Harry.

Despite Harry’s growing levels of uncertainty, he felt himself smiling, in spite of the situation.

Wait until he told Ron and Hermione that Lord Voldemort, the world’s most evil genius, suffered from writer’s block.

***************************************************

Two weeks after Harry and Dumbledore had completed their written pieces and sent them to Voldemort (Harry had refused to enter the building, on the grounds that Voldemort was trying to kill him) Voldemort invited Dumbledore back to his office.

“Are you back then?� asked the secretary, seeing him sitting on the chair, reading The Quibbler again, this time an article on The Gentle Giant Known as “Yeti�.

“I presumed you knew I was coming, as your employer requested my company,� replied Dumbledore.

“Well, quite – but I am never told the purpose of his visitors’ appointments. He’s my master, not my employer.�

“I’m here writing an epic,� said Dumbledore. This was not entirely true, it has to be said, and Albus was aware of it.

It was Voldemort’s autobiography, he had written a forward comprising of a mere two hundred and one words (not including title) and there was no indication it would ever amount to becoming an epic.

However, Dumbledore was leaning back in his chair to examine the top half of the secretary and was attempting to engage in some sort of – what’s the word? – flirting – with this young woman.

“Wasn’t that what The Dark Lord was doing?� she asked.

She’s quick on the uptake,noted Dumbledore. This was going on the secretary’s list of good points, along with chest size (he estimated 38D, but he was practically a novice to this particular field of expertise) leg size, elegant braided hair and a waist to be compared with the width of his wand.

“Well, I suppose one could indeed say that he was intending to do that, yes. But he has a bad case of writer’s block, and I’m giving him a little advice in the area.�

That was sort of true, thought Dumbledore.

The secretary raised one thinly-shaped eyebrow at Dumbledore.

She appeared to realize he was attempting to flirt with her, and had an expression that said quite plainly, I-am-not-a-woman-to-be-trifled-with.

“Just spreading the knowledge – the usual,� he continued, getting into this new flirting business, and trying not to look at her chest, though it wasn’t helping, “it isn’t what I do everyday as my objective. I have to organize things with the Ministry and all that – important stuff, you see.�

The secretary inspected her manicured nails.

“I just hope Voldemort –� Dumbledore said the name consciously, so that she would look at him; however, she just winced and continued inspecting her perfect hands, “doesn’t take up too much of my precious time. I’m a busy man, you see.�

“Quite frankly, Professor, I don’t give a damn about your social calendar. I do know that you know where the Dark Lord’s office is, so why don’t you find him on your own?�

Dumbledore nodded and obeyed her command, fuming inside at the fact that they could not continue their discussion (which had actually been a boastful monologue) as he had believed it to be going remarkably well.

Instead of knocking twice, as the secretary had been most particular about, he strode right into Voldemort’s office.

What he found inside was both disturbing and shocking.

(Readers of a nervous disposition: look away.)

Voldemort was crying.

Not out of rage, but hot, scared tears of a child. They were the sort of tears that really ought to be wiped away by a mother. But as Voldemort’s mother was somewhat…dead…Dumbledore felt that the most evil wizard in the world should toughen up a bit.

Dumbledore coughed.

Voldemort spun around and hastily wiped his eyes.

Throwing the numerous tissues away, without making eye contact, Voldemort attempted to regain his composure.

“Dumbledore, the way things usually work in my workplace is that one knocks before one enters. You interrupted me.�

“I interrupted you crying.! The most obnoxious wizard in the world does not “believe in emotions� as you said in your last interview. And crying is a most definite sign of emotion,� said Dumbledore, very much shocked by the disconcerting scene he had just witnessed.

Voldemort sank into his chair consisting entirely of Muggle skins, and sighed. Finally, he looked the headmaster in the eye ruefully.

“I was crying,� he admitted.

“But, Tom, I don’t understand. You hate emotions, and everything about them and to do with them!�

“I was crying because I got a bit of onion skin in my eye and my body was going about the usual way of flushing it out,� Voldemort continued further.

“Tom Marvolo Riddle, you were crying and I know it! And another thing! There is no trace of onion in your office!�

The troubled emperor leapt to his feet, and the cat fell on the floor. “I ate the onion just before you came in. There was an onion. I was not, and I repeat, was not crying because my editor said that my first two chapters were terrible!�

After 10.469046 seconds, Dumbledore realized that Voldemort meant that he wascrying because his editor had said that his first two chapters were terrible.

“Why don’t you talk to your editor about improving your story from there?� suggested Dumbledore.

Voldemort sniffled.

“I was so upset I used the last reserves of the Muggle shipment of dynamite my Death Eaters intercepted and blew him up! I only had an inkling of what dynamite was, I swear. But now he’s gone!�

“Well, I’ll be your editor then.� Dumbledore wasn’t entirely sure why he was offering to do this. It was more work.

But, on the other hand, Editor-in-chiefis a fancy title.

Voldemort nodded. They had broken down an enormous barrier and he took a few minutes to regain his composure.

“So: these chapters you and Harry sent me.�

“What do you think?�

“Well, Harry is clearly angry and hates me. His words are, I believe and I quote, “Voldemort in a nutshell? Evil, sadistic and mental.��

Dumbledore didn’t quite know what to make of this. Was Voldemort unhappy that Harry had insulted him so? Was the business deal off, and he would never see “The Secretary� again?

“Dumbledore, this stuff is dynamite. Just the right amount of inattentive influence and antagonism that readers love.�

The headmaster drew a greedy breath. He hadn’t realized he’d been holding it – but thank Merlin Harry hadn’t screwed up his chapter.

“You, on the other hand…Dumbledore, you waffle. I want imprudence and incontrollable hate to come across – not a balanced opinion! For Merlin’s sake, is that too hard to understand? I’m evil! There is no weighing of pros and cons to be done! Completely and utterly evil with no strings attached.�

Dumbledore was confused. Surely Voldemort wasn’t intent on writing a book without emotions. No free book-buyer would want to purchase one without climaxes.

“But that’s…that’s…just…stupid,� said Dumbledore lamely.

How long did it take to drill it into Voldemort’s head? Readers don’t like that kind of stuff!

“Is it? I’ve been reading a book. A Muggle comic strip, in actual fact, but there you have it. Anyway, it’s by a man by the name of Jim Davis. What a foolish name – but he writes good stuff, Garfield the name is. It’s about a completely sadistic cat that is lazy, fat, selfish and arrogant. If that can sell millions, so can I! I am more evil than any cat. That’s got to come across in the foreword. And to be quite honest, if you can’t cut it, I need someone else.�

Dumbledore was quiet. It was true; Voldemort had the potential to be even more evil than Garfield.

However, it was going to take futility, astuteness and a hardcore irresponsibility usually associates with Fire Whiskey to get this thing on the road.

“I know just the guy,� Dumbledore assured him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“What d’you mean I gotta write summin’ for that mad old codger?� said Mundungus Fletcher indignantly.

Dumbledore nearly rolled his eyes. This was beginning to follow the pattern that Harry had taken in the first proposition.

“Dung, do it for a friend. Remember that tight spot I got you out of?�

Mundungus frowned. He did remember nearly being taken off the streets and slammed into Azkaban, and Dumbledore had stepped in.

“I remember, Dumbledore. I’ll do it, but,� Mundungus pointed a filthy finger at him, “I ain’t gonna like it and it’s prob’ly gonna show on the final result.�

“You sound remarkably analogous to a scholar that attends my school,� commented Dumbledore.

“And none of that clever talk’ll be in my piece either. I wheel and deal in goods, not words and the like,� reprimanded Mundungus, who was wondering what Figgy was going to say about all the shenanigans.

He also wondered if she’d cook him beef casserole again, seeing as it wasn’t his fault.

***************************************************

Dumbledore dipped his quill into the ink and began to write, as a full moon cast light onto the parchment. But what to write?

The headmaster chuckled to himself. Surely, Voldemort’s writer’s block was not contagious? It wasn’t possible – and besides, there was plenty to write about.

Sifting through the trash: a novel

Forward by Albus Dumbledore, Arch-Nemesis

How does one begin to understand the mind and workings of the greatest Dark wizard alive? Quite simply, one does not wish (if one has any sense of moral conduct, that is, so this address excludes Death Eaters and several Ministry officials who shall remain nameless) to understand the mind and working of Voldemort, because if one has the slightest inkling, one is surely evil oneself.

It was catching! How many ones had he written in that short paragraph? It didn’t need to be formal, it was just a foreword.

How can anyone possibly begin to understand the emotions of Voldemort? Quite simply, any good person can’t. Death Eaters and certain Ministry officials can, of course, and the general, terrified population does not wish to be like them.

Was that too much of an insult to the Ministry?

Dumbledore considered.

Cornelius Fudge had wasted an awful lot of the Order of the Phoenix’s time and effort by refusing to believe that Voldemort had resumed his full power – and the Wizengamot still hadn’t kicked him out.

So, in comparison to all of the unpleasant things that Fudge did deserve, the insult was nothing.

However, I find myself compelled to try and look through his eyes at his life. Whilst countless others are horrified, angered, petrified I dare say, of what he has done and how many lives he has wrecked or ended – he must look at this sheer destruction of humanity as a triumph.

Dumbledore paused briefly.

Did Voldemort really count this as a triumph, of all things?

The headmaster had never questioned before that Voldemort was not in possession of working conscience and had no morals aside from “kill all Muggles�, but now he wondered.

Merlin’s beard, what was wrong with him?

Only a maniac with the highest magical and academic ability would take on the challenge of purging Muggles from the human race. Indeed, Voldemort has failed largely in killing all Muggles or even the majority, however he keeps approximately one sixth of the world’s population in captivity, and has eradicated any sort of Government, let alone civilization, that they had.

Was that too negative?

Of course it was negative. That was somewhat the point – it was rather hard to say something positive about Voldemort. In fact, Dumbledore nearly pointed out (albeit to himself) that it was impossible – but Voldemort had managed to employ a charming woman who went by ‘secretary’.

He had said Voldemort was crazy yet clever, failing yet enslaving. There were pros and cons – something Dumbledore had not anticipated. Voldemort was the cleverest student to have ever sat just across from him – and look at what he had done with his intelligence.

The only good thing he had ever done in his life was to employ the secretary.

Should he mention the secretary, or would that sound too sexual for an autobiography of this type?

Dumbledore, after chewing halfway through his quill as he pondered, decided to include ‘the secretary’ in later chapters.

Some would say that Voldemort is a kindred spirit, a wild child who has not quite found his way yet. One of these people is a mysterious young woman by the codename of ‘The Secretary’ – who some would say is seductive, but I content myself by commenting on her appearance as ‘attractive’.

Wait a second – hadn’t he decided two minutes previously not to write about the secretary?

Of course, some consider Voldemort to be a poor, sorry child who never quite grieved over his mother. These people are often misguided and troubled people themselves – not wholly evil, but going that way. Voldemort was a poor and sorry child several decades ago – the adult that emerged is decadent and malicious.

Yes, that summed up Voldemort quite nicely - decadent and malicious.

He decided to continue no further with his forward. It was late and thoughts of the secretary were filling his mind – what was wrong with him?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Harry sat in the Gryffindor Common room in his favorite armchair, considering what to write for Voldemort, of all people. It didn’t have to be flattering – in fact, the more abusive, the better.

Harry had plenty of things to say about Voldemort – his parents’ death, the Philosopher’s Stone, Tom Riddle, the Triwizard Tournament, Cedric Diggory, Neville’s parents, Lucius Malfoy and his sadistic son, Draco, in Harry’s year and Sirius in the Department of Mysteries.

That was a bit too much to put into a chapter.

He had to scale it down and generalize – or write out Voldemort’s book for him, which was never going to happen. Help Voldemort make millions in book sales? That was way down on his List of things to do before I die, in fact it was right after Kiss Snape and the one before extract toe nails by hand.

Sifting through the trash: a novel

Additional chapters by Harry Potter, Arch-Nemesis

Voldemort is evil, to put it bluntly. He’s intent on purging Muggles from the human race which will never happen. And if he can’t do that, he’ll make them into slaves and torture them for not having magic in their veins. He will kill or destroy from the inside anyone who stands in his way if he gets half a chance.

He was nearly killed sixteen years ago, but there was a mishap and apparently Voldemort didn’t die, but shared animals’ bodies. And after Peter Pettigrew returned back to him, he resumed full power and now both the Muggle and magical community are in a pile of troll dung.

My parents were murdered by Lord Voldemort. I can still hear my mother screaming when a Dementor gets too close – and that is a horrible feeling I wish for no-one, and yet there are others like me, everywhere. Having lost uncles, cousins, brothers, sisters, parents, aunts, grand-parents, friends, acquaintances, neighbors and pets, they continue to live on, traumatized by what has happened, with their lives wrecked.

So, now that he is about to overthrow all that is good in the world completely, I beg of you this: DO NOT BUY THIS BOOK.

If you are reading this already, it’s probably too late, but if you are reading in a shop or just browsing, put the book down.

Voldemort has already caused more havoc than all the Slytherins combined, so why make him even happier by making him richer?

As long as there is good in the world, right will prevail.

Harry looked at his handiwork, and concluded with:

Voldemort in a nutshell? Evil, sadistic and mental. That’s all you need to know, so you don’t need to read this book after all.

Harry leaned back in the chair, and grinned. Dumbledore could force him through emotional blackmail and a persistent troll to write a chapter – but nothing could make him write a good chapter.


As Harry settled himself in his four-poster bed to sleep, and a well-deserved sleep it was too, Dumbledore was also lying in bed, dreaming of the secretary.

Unbeknownst to Dumbledore was the fact that Voldemort was also dreaming of his secretary.

And unbeknownst to anyone, Ron was dreaming of his teddy bear turning into a spider, but Ron’s dream was rather irrelevant in comparison.

A/N: Dumbledore writes in italics, Voldemort writes in bold and Mundungus writes in plain text.

My dear Voldemort, the letter began,

You asked me five days ago to supply you with a man who did not balance his words and could talk almost haphazardly of you without notable trepidation or instruction.

The man I have chosen is not much of an arch-enemy, per se. He is a member of the Order of the Phoenix and knows a great deal about you – and has a sizeable amount of loathing for you.

His name I shall not disclose at this time for fear this owl should be intercepted, but let me assure you that he seems rather tramp-like in comparison to Death Eaters and Ministry officials alike. He is likely to spell things incorrectly and his grammar is appalling. I presumed that you would prefer this as his POV would make it look as though all your opposition are bumbling fools.

On my word, he will begin writing his woes immediately.

Yours sincerely,

Albus Dumbledore.

In a brief afterthought, he added a postscript:

PS: Could you please inform me of the identity of “The Secretary�? Much appreciated.


Voldemort read through the letter and ordered Lucius to bring him a very frothy cappuccino (a Muggle drink he was rather partial to: a tiny bit of coffee and a lot of foam) and the list of everyone in the Order of the Phoenix.

When Lucius brought him a coffee and the original Order of the Phoenix, most of whom were dead, Voldemort through a temper tantrum and locked himself in his own office and refused to see anyone for the rest of the day whilst he penned out his response:

To Whom It May Concern: (a.k.a Professor Dumbledore)

Ideally, I would like you to write out the forward, Dumbledore. You taught me and have fought with me in the original Order and now the new. You know me better than anyone else, so I think it fitting that you write the forward to my precious autobiography, my life as it were.

However, you seem to know me too well – well enough to balance me out in pros and cons. If you feel unable to condemn me then I suggest telling your Mystery Man to begin writing. Don’t worry about the grammar and the spelling – you still have a place in my malice, and that place has merely transfigured into Editor. Imagine! Albus Dumbledore correcting Lord Voldemort’s work, just like in the old days when I was Tom Riddle and you were ‘Sir’.

The identity of the secretary is a private matter, as you should have guessed. I feel it is an invasion of her privacy and life for you to find out more than you need to know – so naturally I shall tell you.

Dumbledore read the paragraph a few times before he understood it properly. Apparently, Voldemort was aware of common morals and had decided that society was too full of good versus evil propaganda, thus giving Dumbledore the details he did not deserve.

Her name is Zeta Cartwright. She is a Voldemort-supporter, as one would suspect, but she feels that I am a kindred spirit rather than evil, so I decided that she could not be a Death Eater with her misconceptions.

The important thing one needs to know about Zeta is that she is mine and no matter what you do, dear, pitiable Dumbledore, she will continue to be. Not that I actually love her - you know I don’t actually believe in emotions as such - but she is rather fascinated by yours truly.

I did absolutely nothing to encourage this, I guarantee you most earnestly.

Well, maybe the sudden rise in her pay check after I read her mind, but that was it.

I can understand why you might be put out at this news, but it was inevitable in itself that you would be rejected by Zeta. She’s young enough to be your granddaughter, great-granddaughter at a pinch. You never stood a chance.

All the best,

Lord Voldemort


Dumbledore replied very quickly with an angry note, sent by an Express owl.


Voldemort,

Not only do I not support the obvious sexism that your establishment is riddled in, I also resent your flagrant misuse of our partnership. Unless you act in a professional manner and talk about the business deal which I was under the impression was of utmost important to you, and not the secretary who I never said I was interested in – and I am not, for the record – I shall discontinue the writers’ alliance, taking Harry and my mystery Foreword man with me (Editor-in-chief).

I bid you good day.

Yours disgustedly,

Professor Albus “Zeta lover� Dumbledore

Voldemort was rudely interrupted by Lucius Malfoy, who had been leaning over his shoulder discreetly, who said, “My Lord, don’t you think it would be best if you were to reply that you wish to continue the alliance?�

Voldemort nearly jumped out of his skin and told Lucius that unless he figured out how to make a cappuccino properly, his services were not needed.

But, looking back on the letter and its author, it was best to suck up a bit now. Merlin forbid he had to actually write the whole accursed thing himself!

My dearest Professor Dumbledore,

I am most horrifically sorry that I displeased you with my last letter – your grievance was never my intention. I was merely expressing that it is best to prepare oneself with the inevitable. Zeta is not that astonishing.

But, in the most businesslike of ways, let us continue this affiliation. I was most delighted to hear that you have accepted the title of Editor-in-Chief and the responsibilities which come with it.

I would like to see some material from this Mystery Man and although my Death Eaters are trying to divulge his identity as I write this (I deduce they are male – you yourself referred to them as ‘Man’) I need some written work, otherwise I might have to ask you to possibly try once more, or beseech Harry to write it.

Much as we have found, civility is necessary if we are to continue, so let us find some common ground on this area.

My most humble apologies,

Tom Riddle


Voldemort, Dark Lord or Tom Riddle,

You learnt in Hogwarts how to suck up in such a manner – and it seems you have not perfected the art. I did not fall for it when you were young and I certainly shall not do so now. When you are being brutal and offensive, you are at your most honest.

Let us talk no more of common ground and personal lives, but rather of business. Enclosed is a copy of the foreword my mystery man has composed :

Sifting through the trash: A Novel

Foreword by a member of the Order of the Phoenix, anonymous.

Lord Voldemort is writing an account of his life – and I jolly well hope this is a sign that he’ll stop with his Muggle killing and bloody well retire from his job. How many lives has he ruined? Has anybody bothered to tally up, not just the dead, but those hurt and aggrieved by his actions. There’s no point – we already know. Everyone who isn’t a Death Eater who knows somebody who knows somebody who knows somebody…and so on. A chain of grief and hate has been made – and it’s him who’s to blame.

I say, read this thing and be spurred into doing something – fighting him, like. A lot of people are saying, “Nah, we don’t need to do nothing – it ain’t like last time.� Of course it isn’t like last time! Last time we had Harry Potter to help us (Merlin knows how he did it) and this time he’s stronger – brought back from the un-dead, un-living with a potion that contained a bit of Harry. He’s stronger now, so even more reason to rise up.

Together we can defeat him. Good will prevail and all that – something Dumbledore would say, isn’t it, but I have to say, I agree. If all the good can rise up, the evil is well and truly bloody done for, isn’t it? But if some of that good is too scared and too cowardly to do anything about it, then they might as well not be good. Got to stand up for what is good and happy and truthful in this world.

Read and be horrified – and rise up.

If you think that grammar is bad, you should have seen the original copy. It completely condemned you, which I thought you’d like. Not so sure about your response as to the “rising up� – because as every slave-holder knows, they can be rather a bother with their rebellions and revolts.

But read the foreword and be warned, Voldemort, of the inevitable. We are coming and we will win. It is best to prepare oneself for the inevitable – as you said yourself.

Yours sincerely,

Albus “Vanquisher� Dumbledore

Lord Voldemort was once more in a predicament. He seemed to be having a lot more of these quandaries ever since beginning his autobiography, but he assumed it would be worth it.

After reading through the proposed foreword, he had decided to insert it. However, he simply could not allow it to be published under “anonymous�. It would suggest that he was not in control. So he had to find out what the identity of the author was.

Or, rather, hatch a daring and over-complex plan in which somebody else found out from Dumbledore.

Zeta was rather hesitant to flirt with Dumbledore for a period longer than ten minutes, but Voldemort assured her that her work would not go unrecognized. While Zeta presumed this meant the Dark Lord might actually have a crush on her, it actually meant that she would get saddled with his cat once he had resumed his Muggle-baiting activities.

A hasty note was drafted to the besotted professor, under the name of Zeta (Voldemort was the author, with Lucius Malfoy making suggestions over his shoulder, having learnt how to make a satisfactory cappuccino) and Dumbledore had suggested a date.

Beloved Albus, wrote Voldemort, knowing Zeta was not going to like this,

I would absolutely adore an engagement with you on February 14th! How terrific it would be to go to –

“Hogsmeade,� interjected Lucius.

“What do you mean - Hogsmeade? That’s going to be full of Aurors and Hogwarts students!� Voldemort spluttered.

“My Lord, Hogsmeade is a popular place for couples on Valentine’s Day and no-one would suspect. Another advantage of our…situation…is that no-one apart from Dumbledore knows that she is affiliated with you.�

Voldemort thought about this and then continued his writing:

Hogsmeade, and to get better acquainted with each other. I can’t stop thinking about you and I purely want to know more. If you would kindly meet me there at twelve o’clock, we could dine and get au fait.

Affectionately yours -

“With all due respect, sir, Dumbledore is more than affectionate towards her, so shouldn’t her supposed response end on a more yearning note?� said Lucius. Voldemort would have normally thrown him out at that point, but he did make a good cappuccino.

Yours forever,

Zeta “future Mrs. Dumbledore� Cartwright

“O Dark Lord, do we need her last name, or the interjected middle names?� asked Lucius.

Voldemort told him that unless he could make a satisfactory espresso – not cappucino - he should get out of his office.

“But sir, I can make an espresso. You made me go on that Muggle beverages course!� protested Malfoy.

Lord Voldemort; note to self: Do not send Death Eaters on Muggle awareness courses if the intention of drinking Muggle beverages is to have an excuse when throwing them out of the office.

“Well – you - just – no – get out of my office!� burst Voldemort.

Malfoy left without comment.

Voldemort was shaking with anger. He was the only truly inexcusable wizard in the world, yet his actions were beings questioned? He didn’t need a valid reason! He just did these things, on instinct and impulse! Was that so hard to understand?

***************************************************

It was February 12th and Zeta was preparing. All the Death Eaters had crowded around her and told her how she was to look, how to act and how to be. Bellatrix Lestrange found it amusing that…the secretary, of all people, was thought worthy enough (or attractive enough) for Albus Dumbledore’s taste.

Zeta had been informed that she had to take out her braids. It pained her. Her braids were almost a part of her personality and she had stabbed a voodoo doll of Bellatrix Lestrange into tiny pieces in the staff toilet, until the cleaner had said, “You died in there or something?� Zeta was forced to reply that it was an “or something� situation.

Zeta’s Self-composed List of Image Atrocities

1) Braids are out and hair is bushier than Hermione Granger’s.

2) Ridiculous pearls are weighing down neck. I need a neck! I can’t breathe properly.

3) Corset. If I thought pearls were a problem (which I did) for the breathing apparatus, I was underestimating this contraption.

4) Why am I wearing a low cut black dress in winter? It is freezing. When I was wearing robes he found me attractive. Dumbledore, that is. Not the Dark Lord.

5) I wonder what he’s doing now. Not Dumbledore, the Dark Lord.

6) I hope he’s thinking of me.

7) He better notice the low cut dress. Otherwise he’ll be for it.

8) Who am I kidding? If he doesn’t, I’ll sink back into my ordinary despair and go back to my usual job of sorting through files, which is only topped in terms of boringness (is that a word?) by my social life outside work. And all for just the possibility of a glimpse…just a glimpse…

9) I think this list has gone off topic.

10) Amendment: I know this list has gone off topic.


Zeta sighed. She had to make this date work out, otherwise she’d probably be fired, and the best case scenario for a disaster date would be that she was stuck in data processing for the rest of her years.

Meanwhile…

“She’s got what it takes to impress,

The high heels, the fancy dress,

Nothing more and nothing less,

Is what I ask from this missus…

Tell me, darling, are you wed?

Nothing I like better in bed,

Than a sole lady or spouse newly dead,

Axe-wielding husbands I do dread…� sang Professor Dumbledore as he pulled on scarlet robes with constellations embroiled in the fabric, facing the mirror.

As one might have guessed from the song Dumbledore was singing, he was firstly in a fantastic mood, and secondly he wasn’t a fan of homicidal husbands. He was confident that Zeta and he wouldn’t be interrupted by a lethal partner, however, because Zeta was in her twenties. He was also sure Zeta didn’t have a boyfriend.

Maybe it was the way her handwriting leant slightly to the side in her letters, maybe it was the way she pretended to wrinkle her nose up in disdain for him when he saw her in Voldemort’s office – Merlin’s beard, it might even be the fact that the cologne he was using had originally been Mundungus’ – but the point was, he was in love and everything was going wonderfully.

“Nothing more do I want or need,

This professor is not full of greed,

Baby, we don’t even need to breed,

Because oh, I love you, yes indeed…� continued the love-struck professor.

Outside his door stood Harry Potter, with his ear flat against the door. Several disturbing thoughts went through his mind, the worst of which was that his headmaster was in his office with a woman.

And crooning to her.

Harry became aware that he was listening, no longer to off-key vocalizing, but footsteps. The part about Dumbledore’s footsteps that he did not become aware of until it was far too late was the fact that the footsteps were not moving away from him but coming towards the shocked, bespectacled boy. Dumbledore opened the door, and Harry fell over.

“Good day, Mr. Potter,� intoned the headmaster kindly. Harry scrambled to his feet.

“Er…hi, Professor Dumbledore, sir. I was just coming to see you,� he explained.

Dumbledore nodded politely.

“Of course you were. I can think of no other reason as to why a Gryffindor student of so high a moral standard would be falling at my feet, unless it is of course to announce your intention to take me to dinner?�

“Er…no, sir, it wasn’t. I came to tell you I’ve finished chapter two,� said Harry.

“I’ll take it from here then,� assured Dumbledore, taking the manuscript from the bemused teenager, “and I will make certain that it is superlative. I’m Editor-in-Chief now. Voldemort, monstrous fiend that he is, has given me a promotion.�

Harry began to frown, “Surely you don’t believe that he’s got any chance of redemption, or that his judgment matters, do you, sir?�

Dumbledore was shaken out of his trance by Harry’s emphasis.

“Harry, I don’t like Voldemort. I hate him. But it is pleasant, once in a while, to be appreciated for your true talents. I’m not doing this as a boost for my career! And while we’re at it, I’m not in love with Zeta Cartwright either! Honestly, you people just don’t know when to stop, do you? It’s my life, for Merlin’s sake, and I need a little privacy!�

And with that, Professor Dumbledore strode out of sight and down the hallway, with his buttons undone. As the headmaster appeared not to realize, Harry decided not to tell him. He was in a strange mood and that little eye-opener could push him over the edge.

Harry Potter; note to self: Find out who Zeta Cartwright is.

It was evident that Dumbledore was madly in love with her, but was in denial. Or, just a really bad liar.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Harry, if Dumbledore said that Zeta Cartwright doesn’t exist, it’s very likely Zeta Cartwright doesn’t exist,� reasoned Hermione as Harry took out fifteen books from the library, offloading most to her and Ron.

“You weren’t with him at the time. I didn’t even ask him,� Harry said stubbornly.

“But Dumbledore has always been a bit mad. Off his rocker all the time we’ve known him!� Ron agreed with Hermione.

“Yeah, but he’s never been in love all the time we’ve known him. I’m telling you, Dumbledore either has a girlfriend or wants one!�

“That’s sweet,� interjected Hermione.

“You can’t blame the guy for trying,� added Ron. Harry was of the opinion that he might as well be talking to a brick wall for all it was worth.

“It’s dangerous with Voldemort. What if his girlfriend is a Death Eater?�

“I’m sure Dumbledore has taken the recent events into account,� Hermione told Harry, but she was starting to feel nervous. Harry’s instincts about this sort of thing were usually pretty accurate.

Harry was no longer willing to justify his opinion to his friends. He was in the same sort of mood he had been in when running the DA meetings.

“Hermione, you take Dangerous Criminal In Society and Ron, take Death Eaters Redeemed? and we’ll see if she’s actually using her real name.�

Three hours later

“I’m bored and there is no Zeta Cartwright,� stated Ron bluntly, slamming the book shut and yawning.

Harry stared aggressively at page four thousand, five hundred and sixty two of his third book, before shutting it. He had officially admitted defeat.

“Are you coming, Hermione? We better get back before Filch catches us,� said Harry. Hermione appeared not to hear them, and was skimming the pages so fast Ron suspected she wasn’t actually reading them.

“HARRY! She’s here!�

Hermione cleared her throat and began to read, “Zeta Cartwright pioneered He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named controversial Muggle-baiting scheme, of toying with certain criminal Muggles before erasing their memory. This was two short years before You-Know-Who would publicly announce his intentions. She published hoax “findings� that this was beneficial to the Muggles, as a disturbance to their criminal side making them useful to Muggle society. In actual fact, the Muggles who were baited showed signs of depression and mental illness in several cases, even with strong mind-wipes. Her husband, Scorpio Cartwright -�

“Her husband?� exclaimed Harry. Hermione gave him a sharp look before continuing.

“Her husband, Scorpio Cartwright was killed for treason against Lord Voldemort before the birth of their daughter, Zeta Cartwright Junior. Zeta became a less prominent Death Eater and escaped Azkaban when the empire of Voldemort fell. She is believed to have died a few years later in an anonymous raid courtesy of “The Order of the Phoenix� – an organization set up to prevent Voldemort coming to power, sometimes working in alliance with the Ministry, but always in their own interests. Zeta Cartwright Junior was very heavily involved in the Dark Arts and her ambition was to become a Death Eater. Whereabouts and career unconfirmed.�

“Wait a second – he’s dating Zeta Cartwright Junior?� said Ron.

“It would appear so, which means that Dumbledore is in grave danger,� confirmed Hermione.

“How old is she compared to Dumbledore?� Ron said, incredulous.

“She’s twenty three, which should give you a rough idea.�

“That’s disgusting!� Ron gasped. Harry and Hermione were both clearly sickened by the amazing age gap (and the implications), however contained themselves.

“It’s also very dangerous,� repeated Harry and Ron had a feeling what was coming next.

“But I want to go to Zonko’s!� he protested

“Too bad!� snapped Hermione, “We have to stop Voldemort from taking over the world and you’re concerned about a few pranks?�

“We’re spying on his date?� Harry asked. Hermione rolled her eyes, as this was supposed to be Harry’s plan.

“Yes, so she doesn’t kill him or mind-wipe him or do something evil to our headmaster!�

“I wanted to go to Zonko’s,� muttered Ron. Luckily Hermione did not hear him.