Caffeine High -
Harry, Ron, and Hermione

By Chaos Illusion

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, the Potter Puppet Pals, or “Puffpuff fairies�. But I wish I did.

A/N: I would like to thank Keeper of the Flame because her hyperness, near-insanity, and messed up mental images inspired this. A few of her hyper quotes and a few references to the Potter Puppet Pals (watch it, it’s pure genius) will be in this fic. And now on with the insanity.
*If you don't like random humor, I suggest you read another fic.*

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Three seventh-year students sit in the Gryffindor Common Room by the fire.

Harry: I’m bored.

Ron: Me too.

Hermione: You could always study.

Ron: No way!

They sit for a few more minutes in silence. Hermione is still studying and Harry and Ron are staring into the fire. Suddenly Harry jumps up.

Harry: I want some candy.

Ron: And some pop sounds good.

Hermione yawns widely and sets her quill on the table.

Hermione: Some coffee would be nice too. I'll never finish studying for tomorrow's Charms test if I can't stay awake.

Ron smiles.

Ron: I have candy and pop upstairs in my trunk.

Harry: And I could get some coffee from the teacher’s lounge.

And so they did. Ron ran upstairs and got candy and pop from his trunk. Harry sneaked into the teacher’s lounge with a little help from the Marauder's Map and his invisibility cloak. Ron and Harry got back to the Common Room and they happily drank and ate until they couldn't any more.

Harry: Do you feel weird?!

Harry is twitchy and a little paranoid.

Ron: Noo! Not-ith at aaalll...

Ron is standing on a table with a happy smile on his face and seems to enjoy randomly adding “-ith� to the end of words.

Hermione is sitting on the floor rocking back and forth with a maniac-like grin on her face.

Ron jumps from the table.

Ron: I have the sudden urge to bother Snape!

Harry: I'll *twitch* come with you!

Ron: Okay! Does Hermione, overlord o’ House elves, want to comith with us?

Hermione: But I want to study! And I’m going to make you study with me!! I AM THE HOMEWORK MASTER!

Hermione starts to laugh like crazy.

Ron: I shall takith that as a yes...ith.

Hermione: Smashing DUCKS and Puffpuff fairieeeees! Dancing all around! Wheee!

Ron looks wildly around.

Ron: Where?!

Harry: I think they flew into the forest.

Harry rushes to the window, opens it, and leans out. Ron and Hermione rush to the window, too.

Harry: Yup. The wind kangaroos pushed the Puffpuff fairies into the forest. Let’s go get them back!

Ron and Hermione: Okay(-ith)!

They leave the common room, and make their way down the Grand Staircase. They enter the entrance hall. Dumbledore runs pass the giant hourglasses that keep track of House points…naked.

Dumbledore: Naked time!

He runs up the staircase and out of sight while singing a weird song about being naked at the top of his lungs. The trio skip onto the grounds and toward the forest. They pass Hagrid’s hut. Hagrid comes out, hiccupping. He appears to have been drinking.

Hagrid: Hey – hic - you three! Where were – hic – yeh two – hic – teddy bears ago?

Hermione steps up.

Hermione: In the tuna can.

Hagrid: Eh, – hic – good ‘nuff.

Hagrid passes out.

Harry: Let’s go into the forest! I bet there are a ton of mattress-raping tonsils in there holding Puffpuff fairies hostage!

The trio climb over the unconscious giant, and skip into the forest while singing wonderful songs about pogo-sticks and zebras.

Ron: I think I hear something in the bushes over there. I hope it’s not a cloud monkey.

Harry pokes the bush with his wand and out jumps a Knarl. A crazy one.

Knarl: AHHHH!

It jumps on Hermione.

Hermione: AH! HOW DARE YOU KILL ME SEVEN TIMES?!?!

Hermione picks it up and throws it on the ground.

Hermione: HA!

She stomps on it. The Knarl makes a strange squeaking sound.

Hermione: You foolish quatrains thought that you could ambush me with a wheelbarrow full of dramatic irony, did you!?! TAKE THIS!!!

She stomps on it again and again.

Knarl: EEEeeeeeeP!

The Knarl coughs and rolls over.

Ron: Look! She taught it how to playith roll over! I mean, dead!

Hermione: YES! I HAVE DEFEATED THE DWARVEN QUATRAINS WITH A KILT OF MILEMOPS AND A PINCH OF THE WASHINGTON MONUMENT!!!!

Hermione does a victory dance on the dead Knarl.

Ron: I think she’s finally lost her nerquits.

Harry looks wildly around and ‘moo!’s for no reason. Ron and Hermione stop what they’re doing and look at him.

Harry: Now that I’ve got your attention, I think the Puffpuff fairies went back to the castle while House-Elf Master was being attacked.

Ron: Let’s go bother Snape, the Puffpuff fairy!

Harry: Right-o! You coming, Homework Overlord?

Hermione: Broomballs…AWAY!

Hermione starts running out of the forest with her arms outstretched and making “vroom vroom� sounds.

Harry: Eekcharges! *twitch* Trumpty! Kittopiles!

Harry starts jumping away while saying random, and obviously made-up words with an occasional twitch.

Ron: Hey! Wait up for the dancing teapots...ith!

Ron runs after them while making occasional whistling sounds.

They run into the castle and down to the dungeons.

Ron (in a singsong voice): Snape, Snape, Snape! Bother, bother, bother! Bother Snape, bother Snape, bother, bother Snape, Snape!

They knock on Snape’s office door. Without waiting for a reply, they barge in. A seventh-year Slytherin girl is quickly getting dressed.

Ron: And you’d think Snape’d be a little happier.

Harry: Uh, what’s going on here?

Snape: Um…R-Remedial Potions.

Ron: Riiiiight...

The Slytherin girl hurries out the door, clutching a few items of clothing she has yet to put on.

Snape: See you next week!

Ron steps up to Snape and pokes him.

Ron: Bother.

He does it again.

Ron: Bother.

Snape is trying to ignore him. Hermione is curiously looking at the weird glass jars lining Snape's office walls.

Hermione: How did you get all this stuff? Can you tell us?

Snape: That depends on whether or not you know how to dance to polka music while watering your cheeseburger garden.

Harry: So you’ll tell us?!

Ron: Yeah, I dance to polka while watering my cheeseburger garden all the time! So tellith us!

Snape: But if I tell you, the weeble house of velcro will never learn to fly!!

Hermione steps up to Snape.

Hermione: You’ve been keeping the Puffpuff fairies hostage, haven’t you?

Snape: Uh…FIFTY-KAGILLION POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR AND RAVENCLAW!

Harry: Hey! Why not Hufflepuff?!

Snape: BECAUSE!

He starts laughing manically. Hermione joins in for no apparent reason.

Snape: HAHAHAHAHAHA! Now get out of my office!!

Snape literally kicks the trio out of his office.

Ron: I know why he didn’t take points from Hufflepuff…

A sixth-year Hufflepuff girl walks down the dungeon steps.

Ron: Snape’s had a little too much Hufflepuff.

Feeling the caffeine high wearing off, the trio walk back to the Gryffindor Common Room. Ron and Harry take their places in front of the fire and Hermione sits at a table to try to get back to studying.

Hermione: Want to study?

Ron and Harry: NO.

Hermione: Fine. I can't concentrate anymore, so I’m going to bed. Goodnight.

Harry: ‘Night, Hermy.

Hermione goes up to the girl’s dormitories.

Ron laughs.

Ron: Heh. 'Hermy.’ You sound just like Grawp.

Harry: Are you calling me stupid?

Ron: No.

Harry: Riiight. I’m going to bed.

Ron: Okay.

Harry goes up to the boy’s dormitories.

Ron: And now I have it all to myself…

Ron gets up and digs a bunch of candy and pop out from under an armchair.

Ron: It’s mine…ALL MINE!

Author: No, it’s MINE!

She bashes Ron in the back of the head with a baseball bat then takes the caffeine for herself.

THE END.

Caffeine High –
The Marauders

By Chaos Illusion

Chapter Summary: Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs drink a sugar potion and get extremely hyper. Sirius starts saying phrases in a language he doesn’t even know, Peter has a weird…thing…with pantyhose, and James and Remus are just crazy!

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or Genis (from Tales of Symphonia). Or “Auntie Genis’s Radiator Muffins.�

Credits: Once again, a lot of credit goes to Keeper of the Flame. Her messed-up mental images, creativity (caffeine/sugar-induced creativity), and near insanity inspired this. Without her crazy RPs and caffeine-induced quotes, I don’t think I could have written these stories.

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Potion’s professor: After two minutes of counter-clockwise stirring, add the sliced caterpillar.

A separate recipe is unfolded in Sirius’s lap. James, Remus, and Peter are adding the separate recipe ingredients to their cauldron when the potion’s professor isn’t looking.

Sirius: Let’s hope this won’t have too much of a change in the potion color. We wouldn’t want that old bat to figure out what we’re doing, would we?

He grins.

James: Exactly, Padfoot. Pft! Calming Potion…Why would we want to make that?

Peter: Yeah! This Sugar Potion is just what we need!

Sirius turns in his seat to look at Remus, who looks like he’s about to fall asleep.

Sirius: No, it’s more like what HE needs.

Remus: What if we get caught? I don’t want you guys to get thrown in detention because of me.

James: Moony, we risk it every month and we haven’t been caught yet. What harm could this potion do? You need it! Look at yourself.

As the words, “you need it,� leave James’s mouth, the potion’s professor silently stands behind them until he’s finished speaking.

Potion’s teacher: What, may I ask, does Remus need?

She snatches the potion recipe from Sirius’s lap and reads it.

Potion’s teacher: A…Sugar Potion?

Peter: Yeah, he doesn’t seem to be feeling too good, so we thought some sugar might make him feel a little better!

The teacher vanishes the Sugar Potion in their cauldron with a wave of her wand, flashes them a sweet smile, then walks back to her desk.

James leans over to Remus.

James: (whispering) She’s smiling her “you-fail-and-get-detention-for-a-week� smile.

Remus: I’m not blind, I saw! I told you we were going to get caught. Now we’re gonna fail this assignment.

James: Jeez, you don’t have to bite our heads off!

James rolls his eyes and mutters “stupid werewolf PMS…�

Remus: I heard that…

Sirius and Peter: Lighten up.

Five minutes later the class is dismissed. As they are walking out of the dungeons, Sirius pulls four glass vials from a pocket in his robe.

Sirius: You didn’t think I’d let our Sugar Potion be destroyed by that hag, did you?

He grins mischievously and gives his friends a vial each. They make sure no one is looking and drink the Sugar Potion.

James: Feel anything?

James asks after a minute of waiting with his eyes shut.

Remus and Sirius: Nope.

Peter: Guess we messed up.

They shrug and go to Charms.

The students take their seats and Professor Flitwick hops off his pile of books.

Professor Flitwick: Today, class, we are going to review switching spells. Now, please take out your- Mr. Black, what do you think you’re doing?!

Sirius jumps on his desk.

Sirius: The stools are really the flying waffles of DOOM! And they’re coming for us! RUN!!

He looks wildly around the classroom then points to the door.

Sirius: Wakarimasu ka! Dasshutsu!! (Do you understand? Escape!!)

The class just stares at him, confused but at the same time a little amused. Several of the students are trying not to laugh.

Peter, James, and Remus jump out of their seats and run around in circles screaming. Sirius jumps down and joins them. Finally, they all collide and fall to the floor.

Professor Flitwick: Boys, settle down! SETTLE DOWN!

They jump up and stare at Flitwick. Remus points to him.

Remus: Don’t listen to the little people…They’ll send monkeys after your butt then take over happy land.

They slowly back out of the classroom and into the corridor. They turn to the portrait-lined corridor and grin. James shoots water out of his wand near a portrait and laughs like a maniac.

James: The portraits…they pee!

They spend a few minutes terrorizing the portraits then run down the corridor and down the grand staircase. They run through the Great Hall and down the corridor leading to the Hogwart’s kitchen.

Peter: I! shall handle this!

He steps up and tickles the giant pear. It goes into a laughing fit and sprouts a doorknob. They enter the kitchen and about fifty house-elves run up to them, asking them if they need anything.

James: Meat mallets!!! And some plastic wrap!!

The elves hurry off and bring back four meat mallets and four boxes of plastic wrap a few seconds later.

Remus and Peter go into a meat-mallet fight while making metallic noises whenever the mallets hit each other, as if they’re in a sword fight. Sirius takes his mallet and holds it high in the air.

Sirius: I AM THE LORD OF THE MALLETS!!

His eyes grow big and he starts to run in circles while screaming.

Sirius: AHHH!!! The Malletwraiths are after me!!!!

James puts the plastic wrap in a pile and raises his mallet with an evil grin on his face. Sirius trips over the pile and sees what James is about to do.

Sirius: WHAT IN THE HOLY SACRED NAME OF BUBBLE BOBBLE ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT MEAT MALLET, JAMES?!

James starts taking aim at the pile.

Sirius: NO! DON'T HURT THE PLASTIC WRAP!! Tomodachi desu! (It is a friend!)

He tries to stop James, but it’s too late. James starts pulverizing the plastic wrap into nothingness.

Sirius: PLASTIC WRAP! NOOOOOOO! YOU KILLED IT! WHY?! WHY?!

Remus and Peter stop their mock mallet/sword fight to see what’s going on.

Sirius is now on the floor in the fetal position while muttering.

Sirius: It-It was horrible…So much plastic…wrap…lost!

Peter helps him up and they leave the kitchen.

Remus: Do you feel any better?

Sirius: Yeah…

He turns to James. Sirius still looks like he’s on the verge of tears.

Sirius: But…why?

James: They were planning a revolution. It had to be done.

While they are talking, Peter sneaks away with an odd look on his face.

Sirius: Oh, okay…As long as it was for the good of the human race.

The bell rings as they enter the Entrance Hall and students and teachers come down for dinner in the Great Hall.

Sirius: Hey, what happened to Wormtail?

James: I dunno…

They look up at the stairs and see Peter run down the hall.

James: Get him!

James and Sirius run up the stairs while making war cries. Remus wanders into the Great Hall.

They follow Peter up the Grand Staircase and down another corridor.

They turn another corridor and lose Peter.

Sirius: Damn. Lost him.

James: Guess we should search the rooms…

They start checking the rooms in the corridor.

Meanwhile, in the Great Hall…

Remus is standing in the middle of the hall, ranting at the top of his lungs…about wheelbarrows.

Remus: Wheelbarrows…What’s not to love about them? They defeated the lemon rinds in 1566, are faithful servants of Kneazles, and are anti-Lethifold!

Everyone in the hall is staring at him.

Remus: But there’re other things to consider about them. Wheelbarrows have to carry things around, which is harmful to the environment, and may soon cause a rebellion among wheelbarrows and shovels. Who knows? They may even join the goblins. I say we keep a sharp watch on the wheelbarrows, or else they’ll carry us away in the middle of the night and feed us to the axe dogs…Thank you for your time.

He bows and leaves the Great Hall, leaving everyone in suppressed giggle fits.

Back in a corridor on an above floor…

James: Two doors left…

Sirius pushes the door open and they jump into the room.

Sirius and James: GOT YA, UNICORN DUCK!

But it’s not Peter in the room. Snape and the Potion’s professor are “kissing� on top of one of the desks. They jump up when James and Sirius enter.

Sirius: (whispering to James) So this is why Snivellus gets such good grades…

Potion’s professor: It’s not what it looks like!

James: Then what is it?

Snape: Uh…Remedial Potions?

Sirius: But you’re already top of the class in Potions.

Snape: I’m taking it as extra credit.

He and the potion’s professor run out of the room.

James: That was…..weird…

Sirius: Was it, really?

James: Guess you’re kinda right…

Sirius: Well, one door left.

They go back to the corridor and stand outside the last door, which has a sign on it reading Office of Professor M. McGonagall, Deputy Headmistress.

James: No way is he brave enough to go in there.

Remus, who has been wandering the halls since he left the Great Hall, sees James and Sirius and join them outside the office.

Remus: Why are we standing outside of McGonagall’s office?

James: Sirius thinks Wormtail’s in there.

Sirius: He is in there. There’s no other room he could have gone into.

Remus: Okay…So who’s gonna go get him?

James and Sirius turn to him and grin.

Sirius: Moony, would you be so kind as to-

They hear a noise from inside.

Remus: Let’s just wait for him to come out.

They press themselves against the wall by the door and wait. After a few minutes, the door opens and Peter comes out with his robes stuffed full of…things. His hood it up and his robes are shut tight.

They come up behind Peter.

James: Whatcha got in your robes?

Peter: Um…Nothing…

He starts to walk away.

Sirius: Hold it!

Peter starts to walk faster.

Peter: Leave me alone!

James takes hold of him, and Sirius pulls his hood down. On top of Peter’s head, like a hat, is a pair of pantyhose.

Remus: I think I know what’s in his robes…

Sirius: Be a good boy…AND RETURN THE PANTYHOSE!

Peter: NEVER!

He breaks free and runs down the corridor laughing like a maniac. Sirius, James, and Remus stand there for a minute.

James: Wanna go back to the Common Room?

Sirius: Sure.

They get back to the Common Room and sit down in the armchairs by the fireplace. Peter comes down from the boy’s dormitory pantyhose-free and joins them.

Remus: Well, this was an interesting day…

James, Peter: Yeah.

Sirius: Hai. (Yes.)

Remus: Could someone please turn on a light or something? I need to do my homework…

Sirius: Sure.

He reaches to light a candle.

???: NO!

The author dives for the candle and knocks it to the floor. She stands up and sets an owl on the table.

Author: Save the candles, light the room with an owl!

She sets the owl on fire then walks away.

Sirius: That…was my owl…

Sirius’s owl: Hoot…hoot…

James: Sorry, Padfoot…

Sirius: D-Daijoubu desu... (I-It’s alright…)

Remus: This…was a very weird day.

It gets dark and there is a moment of silence. A bluish-white haired boy appears in a lacy pink and white apron. He’s holding a plate of muffins.

Genis: This message has been brought to you by Auntie Genis’s Radiator Muffins!

THE END.