“This… is an outrage!!!” blustered Vernon Dursley, pounding his meaty hand on the sparkling countertop. All in all, it was a lovely day. Sunlight filtered in from the windows, and an expectationally happy bird trilled from the nearby branch. But it was the house inside that trembled with turmoil, started by the purple faced Dursley.

His day at work had been pleasant, maybe an even good one. Orders for drills had come in from the Americas, and he was to ship out a thousand drills to the many Home Depots clustering about America. It had started to sour a little after the shipment, when his boss called he and his employees to a meeting. But it was when he found out what the meeting was about that his once joyful demeanor was diminished to an angry rage.

“What is it dear?” his wife, Petunia, soothed. “Nothing too bad, I hope.” She massaged his shoulders gently, as if her hand could make its way around the thick blade.

“Entirely idiotic. That’s what.”

“Please, tell me. Just as long as it has nothing to do with Dudley’s severe inability to comprehend anything and lack of coordination, we’ll be fine.”

“But it has to do with Dudley’s severe inability to comprehend anything and lack of coordiation! That’s the whole purpose!”

Petunia clutched her throat. “I don't understand..."

“Of course not, dear. I’m going to have to tell you from the start. It might be long, but I can do it. Let’s see now…”

I was perfectly content the way everything was. The shipment to America was being made, we had doughnuts for lunch, and the boss called a meeting. Obviously for my way with the business dealings. Or so I thought. When we arrived, he sat us down and looked so exuberant that I thought he was having a seizure.

“I had the most brilliant idea,” cried Ethan, my boss, raising his slender arms up to the air. “We need some enthusiasm here! We need to involve more people, have more pizzazz about our work! So I decided we get families involved. Not just any wife or father, but children! You’re going to train them, to learn about drills and to excel at sports. It’s also a gimmick, if you get the picture. Family Fun- for the Whole Family! Everyone like?” He glanced around, and the man across from me was sleeping. Ethan sighed, but continued. “Whoever’s kid is best at the drill trivia and sports challenges, wins a years supply of… you guessed it… drills! In whatever color they like.”

Now his assistant was drooling as he dozed. Ethan snorted exasperatedly. “And whoever’s kid wins gets promoted.”

There were cheers from the crowd as everyone was roused to life. But I stayed shock still. Dudley couldn’t learn a thing! He wasn’t athletic! But I need to get this promotion, Petunia!

“I must!” This is where Vernon ended his erm… tragic tale and snarled.

“Dudley will learn if it’s for you, dearest,” cooed Petunia. “I know our sweet little Dudders will!” Dudley looked up; his mouth hanging open as a little bit of the cake he was eating fell out.

“Of course,” said Vernon, trying to reassure himself as he gazed at the enormously fat boy.

The next day, he took the day off and attempted to teach Dudley the way of drills.

“Okay, Dudders, what is the thing that moves in one direction, Daddy sells these, and they make a whirring sound? Errrrrrrrrrrrr?” Vernon raised his eyebrows expectantly, seeing if his reenactment of the drill sound did any good.

“A Ferris Wheel?” wondered Dudley as he pulled his fingers out of his mouth.

“No!!! A drill!!! Now I’ll ask you the question again. Listen. Now, what is the thing that moves in one direction, Daddy sells these, and they make a whirring sound?”

“Umm… a toaster!”

“NO YOU STUPID…!” Vernon buried his head in his hands and started crying.

“Vernon! Maybe you should try getting him into sports!” smiled Petunia, leaning out of the kitchen window with a gleaming plate in her hand.

Vernon adjusted the plastic lawn chair and swatted angrily at the mosquito buzzing around his face. The sun was too hot, the grass was too green… wait, was he quoting Shel Silverstein? He shook his head and kicked the grass. Quoting was something he did when he was frustrated, and that’s what he’d done right then.

“Let’s try sports, Dudders,” he sighed tiredly and stood up with some trouble. “Now. I take this Frisbee…”

“What’s a Frisbee?” The cookie in Dudley’s hand fell onto the lawn as he stared blankly into his father’s red face.

“A plate that you catch in the air. Now, ready? Here it comes… catch it!!!” Vernon threw the Frisbee very lightly and just at Dudley’s chest level. His son could catch this… even a one year old baby who was suffering from severe Shexxazonicmulipulscloronisis (if you don’t know what that is, look it up in the dictionary,) could get the little piece of plastic!

Well, Dudley obviously was a 6 month baby, who was dying from intense Shexxazonicmulipulscloronisis, because he stood there, watching the Frisbee fly straight toward him. Suddenly, he moved.

It was a graceful move, one of complete control of the body. Vernon gasped in awe as his son lifted from the air, and opened his mouth in the victorious scream so famous to athletes.

But Vernon’s soaring hopes soon were dashed as it hit Dudley’s nose. “Dad, I tried to catch it!” he cried.

“With your mouth?” screamed Vernon.

“Well, that’s how dogs do it, and we’re as good as dogs!” Dudley puffed out his chest.

“My good Prince Charles,” moaned Vernon as he leaned against his sturdy fence. He was never going to get promoted. He had no other hope. Lifting his face, he saw through the corner of his eye a boy. A small boy, with jet black hair and circular glasses, with startling green eyes that pierced the lenses. And a lightening bolt scar slashed across his forehead, marking him as special.

Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived, was in for a troubled summer.

Note: There is no such thing as Shexxazonicmulipulscloronisis. You can try to get it into the dictionary, believe me, I've tried. But somehow they keep rejecting it...

“Harry! That is your name, right? Well, then, over here!” demanded Vernon and watched anxiously as the sullen boy shuffled to his uncle. He had been extremely miserable over the past two weeks he was at the Dursley’s house. Vernon had no idea why, and he didn’t want to interrogate the brat for any reason. Harry’s sorrow wasn’t his, so Vernon let it be.

“Can you catch a Frisbee?” asked Vernon, as if it were the most obvious question in the world.

“I don’t know Uncle, have you ever let me try?” His face was downcast, but his eyes stared boldly at Vernon, daring him to berate.

“Don’t talk about previous times, my favorite little nephew!” He had taken a new approach, sweetness. Harry stood unmoved as ever, so Vernon sighed and pleaded, “Come on! Let me see just one catch.”

Harry was officially tired of having his uncle beg, so he did as he was told reluctantly. “Okay.”

“Good chap!” clapped Uncle Vernon was he threw a swift one at Harry’s head, just to test whether or not he could grasp this particularly hard toss.

It spun quickly, and went at the speed of light. Uncle Vernon had hurled it with all of his might, but Harry stood unflinching.

A moment before the plate would have hit his head; he jerked his hand up and grabbed it with surprising ease. “Harry!” cried Vernon, all smiles as he held open his arms. “How would you like to spend your summer at the most influential drill company in England…Grunnings!”

“How about not,” grumbled Harry as he trudged back to his fence, ready to lean against it once again and peer through the hole which showed the neighbor’s pool. Harry liked pools.

“Unless I didn’t make it clear, I WILL BREAK YOUR STICK IF YOU DON’T!!!” laughed Vernon evilly. He had the power, and he knew it.

“My stick?” Harry cracked up and held a short stick from the ground. “Go break it! I’ll be so upset if you do!”

“Your… your… wand!” cried Vernon, realizing the correct word.

Dudley wailed, “I want a toaster!”

“Shut up!” yelled Vernon as he went back to swaying Harry into going with him. “Now Harry, please will you come? I need this promotion terribly and…”

Harry thought for a moment before he came up with a brilliant plan that would make certain he would not go with Vernon. “I can tell Professor Lupin and Professor Moody that you’re mistreating me. Would you like that?”

Vernon opened his mouth to retort, and then closed it. He opened it again, and then closed it. And did this again and again and again, so confused was he. Dudley started to copy him, and soon both of the Dursley men looked like fish.

“Hey, Dad! Do you think I look like cotton candy?” Dudley called as he bounced up and down. “I think I do!”

“Dudders, not now. Harry, by lad, would you really do that?” Vernon pleaded. Suddenly a loud crack was heard and Vernon scrambled up the fence. Dudley attempted to claw a hole through the brick wall of his house, but it didn’t work. Harry just stood in awe, looking up at handsome, amazingly smart and talented Remus Lupin who had apparated onto the Dursley’s back lawn. (This sentence will be explained later.)

“Harry, were you talking about sending us out on your uncle?” said Lupin quietly.

Vernon trembled. “Don’t hurt me!”

“I won’t, and actually, I was listening in on your conversation, I think the Grunnings opportunity is an excellent idea! You’ll meet new friends, and forget about Sirius’s death. I know you’ve been moping, Harry.”

“It only looks that way. I was staring at pools,” he explained and turned his back on the ex-Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher.

“Well, I have no objections against this. Maybe I’ll come and help you to have a good game of Basacebolaqua!” Harry cocked his head in confusion.

“A more fun game than you’ve never played!” cried Lupin merrily.

“Funner,” contracted Vernon. “The word is funner, not more fun.”

“No, sir, you are mistaken. It’s more fun,” smiled Lupin but his eyebrows narrowed.

“Funner.”

“More fun.”

“Funner.”

“More fun.”

“FUNNER!!!”

“More fun!”

“I know it’s funner, I really do,” interrupted Dudley. “It’s the one thing I know.” Vernon bowed his head. Lupin was right, because if his son agreed with his answer, than the answer was most definitely wrong.

“I must be going then. Have fun at Grunnings, Harry!” Lupin waved, very happy over his success on his reply.

Then he disappeared again, but you’ll see more of him because Lupin is my favorite character. Back to the story, then.

“So, Harry, are you ready to come to Grunnings?” grinned Vernon crazily. “Nothing can stop me now!” he whispered, and rubbed his hands together.

Harry thought for a moment, and then said slowly, “Only on one condition…”

Author’s Note: I need some ideas for the condition, people! CONTACT ME IF YOU HAVE ANY!!!

“Welcome, Dursley!” cried Ethan as he waved his stick like arms all over the place. “Did you bring your son?”

Vernon was clearly unhappy as he let Harry be seen. “What’s the matter, Dursley?” Ethan asked. “Seem kind of blue this morning.”

“I spent the whole night building a pool, buying Harry purple socks and sewing a cotton candy outfit for my other son.” Vernon was clenching his teeth.

“Sounds rough, fellow,” Ethan sighed and slung his arm around Vernon’s shoulders.

“I also had to stay up all night with the phone, contacting Mr. Webster.”

“As in Mr. Dictionary Webster? Why?”

“Harry wanted a particular word inserted into that stupid book, Shexxahonicmultiplydevidearonisis or something like that.”

“Mister Webster has been dead for years, Vernon,” Ethan told him softly.

“What???” Vernon exploded. “I spent the whole night contacting him while Harry was in the kitchen where our… other… phone is…”

Harry started to promptly crack up as Vernon realized Mister Webster was indeed Harry Potter in a disguised voice.

“Mr. Webster was one of my dear friends,” sobbed Ethan. “He was a good man with an enormous vocabulary, and don’t you forget it!”

Vernon started to back up. “Sorry, Mr. Ethan Drew, I…”

“That’s okay, Vernon. Go to work, I set up a little place for Harry in the corner,” smiled Ethan with watering eyes. “I have to go read his book. Those words inspire, you know?”

Vernon smiled back, (though a very forced one,) and said, “Yeah! The dictionary is the best book I’ve ever read!”

Harry started to chuckle again when Vernon grabbed him by his shirt collar and began to shout, “You stupid, stupid boy! I spent all the live long night talking to Mr. *bleep* -ing Webster, and it was you all along! Why I oughta…”

“Pardon me,” interrupted a hoarse voice as Remus Lupin came out of one of the small cubicles positioned around the entryway. “I seem to realize that you and Harry are not getting along very well. So I sent over one of his friends from Hogwarts.”

Here he pushed out a scowling boy from behind the cubicle. “Vernon, meet Draco Malfoy!”

Draco smirked at Harry as he said, “I can’t wait to work with you.” Harry nearly fainted, while Vernon pushed him out of the way.

“Draco Malfoy? You seem like my kind of fellow! Perhaps you can toughen my weak nephew up here! What do you say?”

Draco was about to reply when Lupin abruptly pulled him back behind the work area. “Oh… maybe that wasn’t the best idea. I also brought another boy, Ronald Weasley?”

Ron burst out of the cubicle, knocking over the flimsy wall. “Harry! Have you seen these odd things? They have this bright screen… little keys that have letters on them and a strange object that you can move around!!!”

Harry was so excited to see Ron; he didn’t even remember Vernon was there. “Ron! Am I glad to see you!”

“Harry, Ron, I’ll be working in this cubicle if you need me,” said Lupin as he rearranged the knocked over wall.

Vernon muttered curse words under his breath as he led the two boys to his spacious office. “Now stay here and don’t get into any trouble!” he demanded as the boys looked out the window in awe. Ron started to sway as he gazed at the buildings below, and Harry led him away quickly.

“Yes, Uncle,” replied Harry obediently as Vernon mumbled, sitting on his leather chair preparing to get down to work.

But Harry and Ron were thinking exactly the opposite. They wanted to get into trouble, and they intended to cave into this whim…

One hour later, Vernon was hurriedly picking up his numerous phones, barking orders into them and then pressing the hold button rather loudly. This is how most of his conversations went.

“Yes!”

“No, what did I tell you before?”

“What? He won’t take it off? Put Dudley on the phone, Petunia.”

“If eggs were in my britches, yes!”

“Dudley, you have to take off that cotton candy outfit sometime. Well of course they threw stones at you; you were dressed like an idiot! No, my mistake, you were dressed like cotton candy!”

At this point, he slammed all his phones down. Sighing, he spun around on his chair when he saw the most amazing thing. Something so out of the ordinary it only had to be…

“HARRY!!!” he bellowed.

“Achoo- Vernon- we need to…. Achoo! Talk!” sneezed Ethan as he stumbled into Vernon’s room. Vernon was staring out the window in awe as millions of owls pecked at his large window.

“Why are there *achoo* owls all over? I’m allergic you know. I’m also *achoo* allergic to socks, grapes, and cotton candy…” At this the owls began to throw themselves at the window in desperate attempt to get in. Dudley was also flying on top of the owls, screaming happily in his cotton candy outfit.

“I also received a good many letters from Mr. Webster, all repeating the same message in various terms- ‘I am alive!’ Some say, ‘I am reincarnated!’ ‘I am revived!’ And another one, ‘I am animate!’”

“STOP!” yelled Vernon as Ethan’s lisping voice, the owl pecks, Harry and Ron’s giggles, Lupin’s surprised yelps, and Dudley’s excited screams entered his ears. Everyone went quiet, except for Dudley who went right on screaming, because apparently he didn’t know the meaning of stop. And I will believe that with all my heart, because I know Dudley.

I don’t know if he even knows English.

“Just… stop,” breathed Vernon as he settled in his chair. “Listen to you all! I’m Nobody! Who are you? Are you nobody too?”

Piercing stares came to him in all directions. “I think you need some professional help, Vernon,” whispered Ethan quietly, and steered him back into his chair. Vernon sunk down and let out a mournful bawl.

“Why did I have to take Harry? Everywhere he goes, he gives me trouble, Petunia gives me not very helpful comfort, Dudley gives me dumb answers and you give me a psychology meeting!” Ethan managed to calm him down, and finally the room was deadly quiet. No one spoke, or dared to breathe.

Except the birds.

The window crashed and glass flew around everywhere. Wings of all shapes and sizes descended down upon Vernon, dropping mail all over. Harry grimaced as did Ron, but a little smile crept into their lips as their ink stained hands were put coyly behind their backs.

“What is this rubbish?” snarled Uncle Vernon as he ripped open a letter. “I am pleased to inform you that your son has reached the size of a baby whale. He is now eligible for the ‘I’m a Baby Whale Club’ on Broadway! Remember to bring cotton candy suit. Signed sincerely, Denise Austin???” He savagely tore it apart, and read more letters resembling the first one.

“We are happy to tell you that your wife has achieved the highest neck of the century. Fill out this form and put her in a box labeled ‘Giraffe for Zoo’ if you would like to see her be fully credited for this triumph.”

“Dear Sir, we have discovered your son is a regular Albert Einstein, and would like for him to take some tests. Bring him to the headquarters of Mensa on Friday at exactly 14 hundred hours to receive the I.Q. test. Don’t be alarmed if he scores lower than 70, it’s the intelligence within that counts.”

Vernon stopped reading the letters right then, since they were all filled with more insults. Harry and Ron were giggling like mad as they doubled over while Lupin stood over them, frowning, although we all know who wrote the letter that went like this-

“Mr. Moony advises Mr. Dursley to keep his sister Marge out of sight or else someone may mistake her for an enemy’s hot air balloon and shoot her down.”

“Oh my, look at the time,” interrupted Ethan quickly as he ushered everyone out. “It’s time for drilling these young kids in the way of drills! Get it… drilling… drills? Eh… maybe now’s not the best time for jokes. Are you coming, Vernon?”

“Yes,” grumbled Vernon as he waddled to the door and surveyed the damage those owls made. “I guess I’m going to need a new window, aren’t I?” he murmured as he left. Dudley, who was sitting on Daddy’s desk started to shriek, “Dad, I’m smart as Einstein!” Of course, poor Dudley had no idea who this was, but extremely excited nevertheless. “And Mom has the highest neck in the universe? What an award!!!”

Vernon sadly shook his head as he closed the door and left Dudley to his amazement.

“Okay, Harry and Ron, it’s time to get quizzing on drills!” smiled Ethan. “I’ll ask you the first question, and whoever buzzes in first gets to answer first. Sounds fair enough? After I ask 10, whoever has the most wins. This is just a practice, so don’t get too competitive. Okay?”

Ron and Harry didn’t look too thrilled, in the matter of fact Ron had drifted to sleep. Harry winced at this sight, but didn’t wake him. He knew it was almost impossible to wake a Weasley once in slumber.

“First question! What is…”

“Wait a minute here, Mr. Ethan, but this game isn’t quite fair,” said Lupin as he entered swiftly.

“Why not?” asked Ethan, genuinely confused.

“Well… I mean… Ronald here is sleeping,” gestured Lupin.

“So?”

“How can he answer?”

“Surely in the subconscious mind, Ronald is working on the problem. Actually, Harry has a disadvantage on this red haired mate.” Harry almost laughed out loud, but instead turned to Lupin for his opinion.

“I tend to think of it the other way around, since Harry’s mind is much more open when his eyes are too,” replied Lupin.

“But Ronald doesn’t even have to think! If given a problem, the mind will somehow convert it in an answer suitable for the question. Amazing, don’t you agree?”

“You know, Ethan, this might sound odd, but I would feel much more comfortable if Ron were awake.”

"You have nothing to worry about… what did you say your name was? Because I swear, I never hired you for a job here.”

“I have to say, Mr. Ethan, that I think Professor Lupin is right,” squeezed in Harry.

Ethan opened his mouth the respond when Ron jolted and awoke. “Poor Ronald, you really had an advantage on that Harry fellow but you had to go and wake up,” Ethan said, but quickly added, “Don’t worry, though. It will be a fair match now, won’t it Mr. Lupin?”

“I think so,” murmured Lupin as he exited the room, much more confused than he had been a few minutes before.

“Buzzer check. Harry, hit the buzzer… excellent! Ronald... adjust the cord… no the other one… on your buzzer not Harry’s… okay! Are we ready to begin?”

Harry gulped and Ron yawned. “Yes,” they repeated simultaneously.

“Good. First question now boys…”

“What direction did the first drill spin?”

Harry opened his mouth to answer, but found he didn’t have a reply. “Um…” Ron wrinkled his nose as he thought. “Well…”

“Come on!” cried Ethan, irritated. “You have a fifty-fifty percent chance here!”

“Okay…” he said. “How about left?” Ethan didn’t say anything. “What? Did I do something wrong?”

“No, no. It’s just you have to hit your buzzer,” explained Ethan. “Otherwise I can’t grade your answer.”

“Oh.” Harry repeated his answer, and then hit the buzzer. “Was that all right?”

“No! You hit the buzzer first, THEN answer. Try it one more time.”

Harry did just that, and Ethan replied, shaking his head, “Sorry, but that’s incorrect. We have one more contestant who can come in with the right answer.”

They both turned to Ron, who had been staring off at the ceiling. “Get with it, Ron!” exclaimed Harry, shaking him.

“What was the question again?” Ron asked, and Ethan repeated it. “This is tough. Er… I guess… left?”

“I’m sorry,” said Ethan. “That’s what Harry guessed too! My, your minds work alike.”

Harry shot a glare at him because, obviously, Ron would have gotten the question right if he’d been paying attention.

“Next one…” at this Ethan suddenly paled as his hands flipped through the stack of papers rather quickly. “It appears I lost the next… question… just give me a minute…” Harry and Ron waited patiently for Ethan to come up with it.

“Oh, my, here they are!” lied Ethan as he held a blank piece of paper above his head. He didn’t want to look disorganized, so in order to keep his reputation he had to tell a little white lie. But Ethan could come up with some successful drill questions… right? Right? For those of you who have little doubt, say Aye.

Aye.

Ethan scrolled his mind for questions about drills, but seemed to find none. Harry and his pal looked up at the boss expectantly; Ethan was on the spot.

“Well… Here’s an original one, to say the least,” laughed Ethan weakly. “All rightie then… if a woodchuck could drill wood, how much wood could a woodchuck drill?”

Ron stared blankly at Ethan. This man was making absolutely no sense at all, and that was something coming from Ron. But he buzzed in anyway, hoping to beat Harry to the win.

“28.434 pounds of wood per hour?” wildly guessed Ron. Ethan rolled his tongue over his teeth. Wow, this boy was good. He couldn’t actually say it was wrong, since he had no idea, so…

“Right, Ronald!” he proclaimed as an amazed Harry gazed on. “Next question…” but he didn’t have any. He tried to think of anything, anything that would work, yet nothing came to mind.

He was reaching for any question, even if it had nothing to do with drills in the least. “Score is Ronald -1 and Harry - zip.” Ethan was running out of time, and he knew it. Finally he thought of one, even if it had nothing to do with the topic.

“Who was that man that came in a few minutes ago, looked to be in his forties, interrupted me and is incredibly handsome according to my wife...” At this point he smiled at his secretary whose desk happened to be right in front of Lupin’s office. She had dyed blue hair and a lot of long fingernails, and appeared to be gazing at Lupin whenever possible. Lupin was poring over a piece of paper though and didn’t notice her at all. “… and why is he here when I swear I didn’t hire him?”

“Oh! Oh!” cried Ron as he buzzed in, yanking the cord out of his buzzer. “It’s Professor Remus J. Lupin, he is 35, he interrupted because… well I don’t know, I was asleep for God’s sake, and he’s here because he’s looking after us to make sure we don’t send evil notes to you and Mr. Dursley.”

“Oh,” said Ethan, writing all this information down. “And is he dangerous in any way, or in other words how can I warn my wife to stay away from him so she stays loyal to me?”

“Is this a question that counts?” asked Harry, getting into the heat of the competition.

“Er… no…” said Ethan, frowning slightly.

“Well, then, we’re not permitted to tell you,” nodded Harry decisively.

Ethan sighed and changed his answer. “Okay, that’s question number four.”

Harry buzzed in and was about to say that Professor Lupin was a werewolf, but decided not to.

“The J. in his name stands for Juvenile.” Harry heard this just pop out of his mouth, and he looked at Ethan to see his reaction. Ethan stopped writing and stared at Harry long and hard.

“No!” he whispered, barely breathing. “That’s… the ultimate brand of evil!”

“Um… yeah!” agreed Harry, though he had no idea why that would be evil. “Or it could be juggler.”

“Even worse!” cried Ethan, happily taking this down. “I’m sure my wife will be terrified… oh, and do any of you know where I put my glasses?”

Harry buzzed in again. “On the table, Mr. Ethan sir!” he declared and handed him his spectacles.

“Oh… thank you, Harry,” responded Ethan. “So which question were we on?”

Ron buzzed in, and started to count on his fingers. “This is the sixth one! I have two points and so does Harry. Well, now I have three if I answered this correctly.”

“Oh, no, Ronald, you are mistaken. The last two questions didn’t count; I was just asking them- not in competition. Right, Harry?”

Harry hit the button, and his buzzer light went on. “Yes sir! Now I have three points and so does Ron!”

“No!” cried Ethan, utterly confused. “You don’t understand, I was just asking those to you, not in competition…WHAT IS MY WIFE DOING OVER THERE WITH REMUS JUGGLER LUPIN???”

Harry buzzed in, apparently on a roll. “She’s talking to him, sir.”

“Look at that slime ball! He’s going right along with her, hanging onto her every word…” Ethan growled, though it barely sounded threatening. In truth, Lupin couldn’t have been less attentive. He nodded and smiled in the right places, but his eyes never left the paper. “Should I beat him up now or later?” he asked, turning to the boys.

Ron replied to the question, “Right now would be fine, because we're now tied!”

Ethan rolled up his sleeves and stalked over to Lupin. “Excuse me sir, but what are you doing with my wife?”

A telephone rang and Mrs. Ethan Drew answered it, but her eyes remained glued on Lupin.

Lupin twisted his head and looked a little perplexed but still smiled. “We were just talking. Does that bother you, because I can leave any time you’d like me too.”

Ethan was furious now and deftly glared at Lupin’s tattered robes. “If you do anything with my wife, I will kill you personally! Do you have a problem with that?” Usually Ethan wasn’t so violent, but when it came to these family matters...

Harry buzzed in, beaming because he’d won the round of practice questions and starting to laugh because what he was about to say completely ignored common sense. “You might have a problem with that if it’s a full moon, because he can bite your head off!”

Lupin turned to Harry with exasperation in his eyes, while Ethan squinted at Lupin with interest. “What was Harry talking about?”

While Lupin was fending off Ethan with words, Vernon came in and roared at Ron and Harry, “GET DOWNSTAIRS TO START YOUR PHYSICAL TRAINING WITH ME, BECAUSE I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR BLOODY EVER FOR YOU TWO TO GET DOWN HERE!”

Everyone in the office peered over their cubicle to see who caused this outburst. Vernon breathed in heavily and whispered, “Would you both come downstairs so we can train you to be better athletes?”

Harry and Ron looked at each other, conveying skepticism and finally Harry spoke up for the two of them. “All right, but as long as there is a pool downstairs.”

“Good,” sighed Vernon as he led them downstairs, down to Harry and Ron’s eternal doom.

“Where’s the pool?” wondered Harry, looking around confusedly. All there was on the ground was brown, dead grass. Vernon slapped him on the back very hard and sighed loudly.

“What I meant was, you have to build the pool. Good luck, son!” He set up his plastic lawn chair and smiled as Harry stared at the ground in pure shock. Vernon loved watching their expressions. “Oh and here’s a shovel for you two boys!” he called, throwing two shovels at the duo. Harry caught his deftly and plunged it into the ground, eager to start working on his dream pool. Ron, however, watched it crash in front of him.

Turning to Harry, he whispered, “Why did your uncle hand me a broom? Is he letting me get out of here?”

Harry shook his head, but before he could explain, Lupin came running out of Grunnings. “Ethan’s wife… is chasing after me… I tried using stupefy on her, but she didn’t stop… hide me!!!”

Ron hurriedly pushed the shovel into Lupin’s hand and cried urgently, “Fly to number 12! I’ll catch up with you later.” Lupin stared at Ron as if he were daft.

“Ron…” he said carefully, as if speaking to a little child, “this is a shovel. It is used for digging up the ground.” Ron bit his lip. “Oh.”

Suddenly, Lupin gasped, as did Harry and Ron. Ethan’s wife was running toward them, full power. “Oh Remus, would you love me if I could bring someone back from the dead?” she sang.

Harry leaned over to Ron and hissed, “She’s nuts!” Ron nodded his head violently and Lupin did too.

“Listen, Mrs. Drew, I don’t love you, and I think you would be very happy with your husband. Besides…” he took a breath. If this was the only way to get rid of her, then so be it. “I’m a werewolf.”

“Wow! Aren’t werewolves those cute little animals that are so furry and adorable and lick you?” she asked, apparently thrilled.

“Erm… no,” Lupin admitted, trying to keep from getting frustrated. “They are humans that, on a full moon, transform into a terrible wolf that actively seeks human blood. They have no human mercies… they just kill. If one bites you, you become one of them.”

Mrs. Drew stared at him, face blank. Then, a large smile appeared over her face. “That’s incredible!!!” she gasped, excited. “It’s… awesome!”

Lupin felt like crying, but didn’t. “Actually, it causes extreme pain and I would personally prefer not to be one.”

Vernon stood up, face one of pure terror. “Get away from me… w… werewolf!” he cried, tipping over the chair. Lupin gave a small smile. Well, at least the whole world hasn’t gone insane and stopped fearing werewolves.

“Here, Mrs. Drew, read this book on it. Rather fascinating, it is. If you would like to read it too, Mr. Dursley, I would be happy…” said Lupin, hoping that the facts in this book would make Mrs. Drew wary of him.

“Wow! You know how to read?” came the voice of Dudley Dursley. Lupin sighed heavily and turned around to meet the eye of the boy dressed in a badly sewn cotton candy outfit.

“Yes, it’s quite an amazing skill, isn’t it?” Lupin remarked, pulling out a third copy of the book. “Why don’t you practice right now?” Dudley clapped his hands together and eagerly grabbed it.

Ron, however, was aimlessly wandering, and kept looking at the shovel. What is it? he thought, brow furrowing. Such a complex piece of art! Lupin must not have explained it correctly, there must be more to this marvelous invention…

“Ron,” Harry said, rather irritated. “Dig or read. That’s what the rest of us are doing.” The hole for the pool was now an inch deep and ten feet wide and across. Indeed, Harry was a talented digger.

Mrs. Drew’s head perked up. “What?” she screeched. “Did you say Diggory?” Out of the corner of his eye, Lupin saw Ethan racing across the lawn at him. Oh no.

“No!” exclaimed Harry. “I said ‘Dig or read.’ Not Diggory.”

“You want Cedric Diggory back from the dead? Of course you do!” She dropped the book and began to tremble violently.

Ethan grabbed Lupin and shook him. “What did you do to my wife?” he demanded, scowling angrily. “You son of a…”

But before this story could accumulate its first cuss word, something fell out of the sky and Mrs. Drew fainted, soon batting her eyelashes at Lupin who chivalrously caught her. Ethan let go of Lupin and hurried toward his wife, checking her pulse, sugar level, lung capacity and blood type.

Harry’s mouth dropped open. “Maybe she wasn’t as nuts as I thought,” he whispered. Cedric Diggory woke up, moaning.

“Ow. My head hurts! Where’s the graveyard?” he asked, before fully seeing his surroundings. Vaguely, he noticed Lupin. “Hey, Professor Lupin! Can you turn into a werewolf… you know, that cute little animal that is so furry and adorable and licks you? I really need the cheering up,” he explained. Lupin closed his eyes in frustration.

“Cedric,” he said calmly, “I can only change during a full moon. And they are not adorable and cuddly. They would attack you brutally and kill you on the spot. Also, I am very glad to see you alive. Welcome back.”

Cedric did not say anything, because just then Harry began to cry. “L- L- Lupin… I want Sirius to come back instead!!!” he sobbed, throwing himself into the Professor’s arms.

“So do I, Harry,” he said gravely, patting him on the back. “But I know for a fact that Sirius likes to take his time returning from unknown places… maybe he really isn’t dead. Last time he was assumed killed he was actually just at a bar and got so drunk he couldn’t return. Or didn’t want to. Either way.” Lupin wasn’t sure how this was going to help Harry, but he guessed it did because Harry smiled.

“Really?” he asked hopefully, wiping his tears.

“Really. Now, if you want to swim before it gets to freezing, start shoveling,” he urged Harry, smiling as the lad shouldered his spade and dug with new energy into the earth. Reminded him of James, the way he dug those holes…

A sudden bark interrupted his traveling thoughts. Walking nonchalantly out of everyone’s eye range, Lupin followed the sound. His eyes went wide as he saw a large black dog near Grunnings entrance.

“Sirius!” he hissed, pulling him behind a bush roughly, “where have you been? Harry’s getting suspicious!”

The dog let out a loopy smile as he transformed back into a cocky Sirius. “ I was simply battling the evil behind the veil, Moony! I thought you had more faith in me.”

“Then,” muttered Lupin exasperatedly, “what is that on your neck?”

Blushing madly, Sirius brushed his hair over the hickey. “All right, the girls behind there were really swell. You should go sometime.”

Lupin shook his head. “No, I don’t think so. Do you know that Harry has been through while you were gone? He’s been crying his heart out!”

Sirius sighed. “It’s hard being a godfather. I mean, really. You always have to set a good example and be there and never take risks… hey, you should have been his godfather!”

“Lily and James discovered that the minute after you were appointed,” said Lupin wryly. “So, what are you going to say to him?”

Sirius pondered for a minute, thinking. Finally, he said, “I think I’ll figure that out later. You know what was weird, though? When I told all the girls that you were a werewolf, they immediately cried, ‘Awwww! They’re so cute!’ Do you know why?”

“No,” Lupin replied, “But you should ask Cedric and Mrs. Drew. They think that’s what a werewolf is also.”

“Cedric?” asked Sirius, puzzled.

“It’s a long story,” muttered Lupin.

Author’s Note: My weirdest chapter ever, there you go! I must be going crazy this weekend, my Harry’s Our What??? 12th chapter is odd too. It involves Frank Longbottom as a duck. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Also, this story is NOT done yet! NOT done!!! So hang in there, my faithful readers!!!

Author's Note: I dedicate this chapter to all of my reviewers!!! Well, mostly honeydude, CraftySlytherin, Limey, MereRanger, and d3pr3ss3dNhappy for being faithful reviewers through and through! Now... onto the last chapter!

While Ron was still avidly watching his shovel fall to the ground when he dropped it, Harry kept plowing away at the dirt. Must keep digging… for Mum and Dad… for Lupin… for Sirius… he thought, flinging a shovelful across his shoulder with amazing strength.

Dudley, Mrs. Drew, Ethan and Vernon were all reading a book (or in Dudley’s case, attempting to read it). Mouthing out the words with slow patience, the fat boy stuttered, “The s- ooon… no… s… sun… sun!! The sun s… sets… the sun sets in a blah… bla… blazz…. Blaze!!! Blaze!!! The sun sets in a blaze of fiery... um…”

And so the evening went by. Lupin still hadn’t reappeared, but no one noticed because it simply wasn’t essential to the plotline yet.

The sound of sirens suddenly pierced the air. Harry looked up, startled. Ron began screaming loudly, unaware of what it was. “Be quiet!” Lupin commanded, running up between the two boys.

“What is it?” asked Ron, shaking hysterically in his shoes.

The flashing car accelerated right into the yard of Grunnings, stopping only before they narrowly missed Dudley, much to the disappointment of everyone. An Asian man hopped out, wearing a bright red uniform and a pink jester hat.

“Hullo! Are you the people involved in this Grunning’s contest, or whatever?” he asked cheerily, bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet. Harry could only stare at the strange man, as could Ron.

Ethan shot to his feet. “Oh no!” he cried. “I forget to schedule the blood tests!”

“No one said anything about blood tests!” Harry shouted nervously.

“What’s a blood test?” yelled Ron, but no one was paying attention.

“Yes, I’m the Blood Tester. Before anyone can enter a professional contest, they must have a blood test to see if everything’s all right and no one is pumped up on steroids. But, the chief organizer forgot to get it done. So it’s the Emergency Squad to the rescue!” He shook his head, letting the little bells on his hat jingle.

“Right…” said Harry, a little lost. But he soon found he had accumulated too much information when the man pulled a needle out of the car.

“Is this really necessary?” Lupin asked, eyeing the needle and Ron with anxiety as the boy had started to whimper pitifully.

“Oh yes,” replied the man, jiggling the syringe. “Absolutely imperative. Let’s do this red head lad first!”

Ron squealed, starting to run, but Lupin held him back. “Just close your eyes and count to ten,” he advised. “It’ll be over by then.”

Ron sat down heavily, resigned to his fate. “Don’t let it hurt me… too much,” he whispered dramatically, pulling up his sleeve. The man quickly inserted the needle, taking it out as fast as possible. “All right, you’re done,” the man said, watching as Ron’s eyes still remained glued together. “Um… lad?”

“That was it?” Ron asked, hope coming into his voice. “That was all?” The man nodded. “Oh,” he said in relief, and watched as the man took everyone else’s blood.

After shutting the door to the ambulance-like car, there were a couple of noises from inside where the man had disappeared with the samples. Finally, he emerged.

“We have some… um… very strange results here,” he managed to say, looking dazedly at the blood. “Not from Mr. Dursley or Mr. and Mrs. Ethan Drew… just all the rest.”

Vernon gasped. “MY SON IS A… YOU-KNOW-WHAT???” he cried, face turning purple.

The man sighed sadly. “Yes, Mr. Dursley… your son is an idiot. We’re sorry about that dreadful disease.”

Vernon let out a breath of relief.

“But the other people,” the man continued, “had… different results. Especially that one.” The blood tester pointed at Lupin, who glanced down at the ground, blushing slightly.

“The blood is very odd… all interrelated, too, however. Except that man has something extra along with the mix… very interesting…”

“It’s because he’s a werewolf!” shouted Dudley, looking happy that he remembered something.

Everyone stared at him, unable to believe a fact actually stuck in his brain. The boy was looking extremely proud of him, and smiled widely.

“Poor chap’s delusional,” laughed the man. “Poor lad… stupidity is a really hard disease to fight at… Anyway, because the blood is so highly irregular, you cannot participate in the Grunnings contest.”

THE END

Epilogue: Harry and Ron high-fived each other and ran away to Hogwarts, exhilarated that they didn’t have to do the Grunning’s thing.

The blood testing man drove away to Blood Headquarters, only to run over Lord Voldemort and get arrested for the dirty crime.

Ethan Drew ended up going right back to work, and decided to write new drill questions.

Mrs. Drew never forgot Lupin, and kept a picture of him in her desk always. She soon fell in love with another Marauder, though…But that’s another story.

Vernon Dursley was completely crushed, and ended up having to use Dudley for the drill competition.

Dudley Dursley competed and came in last. The only word he would say throughout the competition was ‘werewolf,’ but if prompted by his father, Dudley could say ‘The sun sets in a blaze of fiery…’ He refused to take off the cotton candy outfit and wore it to school for the rest of the year. He is still an avid sufferer of Shexxazonicmulipulsclorosis and stupidity.

Sirius wandered into Grunnings, where he met a particularly pretty secretary with blue hair. He has never been seen since.

Lupin went to the Burrow and fell in love with Ginny Weasl-

Harry stared at the paper in confusion. The story had been pretty good, up to the part when Sirius ran off with Mrs. Drew, but Lupin falling in love with Ginny??? Maybe he shouldn’t have given his assignment to Ron to collaborate with…

The assignment had been to “Write what happened to you over the summer. At least fifteen feet, the paper is due to Minerva McGonagall September 1st as entering the Great Hall.” Harry had been immediately pulled into despair. Nothing ever happened to him at the Dursley’s! So why not invent a few things…

Inviting Ron to write with him after the first chapter, things got a lot more interesting. Harry enjoyed poking fun at Dudley and Vernon and making them do stupid things. Yes, a lot more interesting than what really happened over the summer…

When Ron received the first part, he laughed out loud. He’d already finished his, so helping Harry wasn’t a problem. After writing a part, he’d send it to Harry, and when Harry wrote a part, he’d send it to Ron.

The story had ended sort of abruptly, but it was fifteen feet. No need to write more. Harry took a quill from his desk, pondering on what to write to Ron. Finally, he started to pen down a reply.

Dear Ron,

I liked the end of the story, especially the part about stupidity. That’s what Dudley suffers from, alright. Anyway, what was that deal about Lupin falling in love with Ginny? I mean, isn’t she a little young? Well, I hope McGonagall likes it. At least she’ll give it an A for creativity… I think. Write back soon- and answer me about that Lupin/Ginny thing,

Harry

The next day, Harry got a letter in return. It went something like this-

Dear Harry,

I liked the end too. It took me a bloody hour to finish, though. Whew. Now about the Lupin/Ginny thing… it’s a long story. But here it goes.

Once upon a time, Ginny found me writing a part of the story- specifically, the part where Dudley’s like, ‘Do I look like cotton candy?’ She demanded she get to write some too- so I let her. And the stuff she wrote was pretty good. So she added loads of brilliant stuff here and there. She actually became a pretty good partner, considering she got over her infatuation with Dean Thomas. But we figured she had a crush on someone else, since she was quiet most the time.

Well, we figured out who it was when Lupin came to dinner one time. He would say, you know, ‘Would you pass the salt, please?’ to Ginny, and she’d completely melt like butter. It was quite funny to watch, actually.

I think Lupin understood what was going on, but he didn’t say anything. If he did, Ginny probably would have died of a heart attack or something.

So whenever she put stuff down, it would include Lupin. Remember all the parts about how handsome Lupin is? That was Ginny. I tried to get her to take it out, but she wouldn’t. So it’s stuck, mate.

Sorry.

Ron

Harry sighed. So that explained it! He had started to doubt Ron's sexuality... Well, good thing that was cleared up.

When Ron and Harry entered the Great Hall two months later, McGonagall stood, eyeing them. “Do you have your papers?” she asked, beady eyes gleaming.

Harry smiled and stuck out his paper. “It might be sort of long… but it’s worth reading. I promise. And it’s all true.”

McGonagall furrowed her brows. She caught the hint of laughter in his voice, so she only commented, “Are you alright, Potter? You sound a bit odd.”

“It’s only my Shexxazonicmulipulsclorosis. Don’t worry.”

And Harry and Ron ran, laughing, into the Great Hall as McGonagall stared at them in complete confusion.

Author's Note: Hope you liked the surprise ending- it just came to me when I was thinking about the blood test thing. This was just getting a little too random and I needed some reason for it. So I hope you liked the story- That's it!