I hold no rights to any of the characters created by the wonderful JK Rowling or her publishers. Arella Ravenclaw is, however, all mine!






I stand like a statue at the cold water’s edge. Listening to the lapping sound of the waves rhythmically moving their way ever closer to my bound and tied feet, and as I do so I wish myself far away from the hell I now stand to face. I have no clear vision; a Blinding charm enforced upon me to ensure I cannot escape, and so I stand exposed to the cruel elements with no able body to save me and no senses to guide me to better pastures. In my darkness I picture the scene of a midnight-blue sky laden with a thousand bright stars and a shimmering, faithful moon, just as I remember from better nights of my past in my happier ventures of youth. I breathe in the cool air as I try to picture the scenes from those times, but I cannot. The burden of the past is too much for me to bear now.


I try to recall the full moons I had witnessed and how the moon beams had danced upon the ripples of the lake, entrancing me as I lapped at the water on warm summers nights. But this is no summers night , and the water is nowhere near as inviting as it was then. Deep down in my very soul I yearn to smile at those memories, but one of the voices from behind me returns my dreams to the harsh reality of my life as it is now, and I fear I have lost those times forever. The cold, misty air makes me shiver to my very core and beside me I can feel the imposing presence of two men, one either side of me: Aurors. And then I hear the two familiar voices behind me, talking to one another as if I cannot hear a sound. They are mistaken about me in more ways than they can possibly imagine.


I may not be able to see, but my hearing is as acute as ever and my throat tenses at their hushed words. One has a deep, commanding voice, edgy and constantly guarded, and the other still has the sweetest tones that I know so well in her tranquil voice. But tonight there is no laughter from her, only tension and stilted, emotional words of regret; her comprehension at the past few days events mirrors mine. She cannot understand where we all went so wrong.



I could listen to her all day long, and her laughter would normally induce me to follow her in some frivolous attempt at a joke or two, but not now. Now all I can hear in her words to him is reluctance and pleading. She begs for mercy on my behalf while the Fates edge me ever closer to my place in my own private, personal hell. But they do not realise I am already there: I have already witnessed hell and I do not care to return there though their demise is implanted on my memory for ever and their child’s frantic searching cries will haunt me like no malevolent spirit ever could. I hear their conversation and I hear the heavy pain within her words.


“You know he’s got to, girl. S’no good tryin’ to argue with Crouch or Fudge or any of ‘em. You’ll ‘ave to find your own way…if you think it’s true.”

“I do, Moody, I do! He would never have sold them to Voldemort. I know him! Merlin, I used to live with him, and he would die rather than go to Voldemort. He hasn’t changed so much from back then, and it was he that persuaded me to join the Aurors, for Merlin’s sake.”

“But he went back to ‘em, didn’t he? You’ll ‘ave to ‘ave good proof, and you won’t get any help 'ere. They all think it’s 'im and it’ll rock the boat if you go shouting your mouth off. They’ll want to chuck you out if you don’t take care, or put you in with him too. You need to think ‘bout what you’re doing. Keep your cool: you can’t save 'im if you don’t. For now you just keep your head down and do your job, right?”



I hear footsteps coming towards me, and my guards hold my arms to guide me as they help me into the boat to begin my journey into the abyss. She sits behind me and she places her hand on my shoulder, squeezing her fingers into my aching flesh to let me know she is still with me, as always. I long to reach out to her; to pull her with me and lunge overboard into that cruel sea to take a chance on our lives like we had done so many times before, but it would be selfish and unkind, and my head overrules my heart. I listen to my own reasoning for, perhaps, the first time in my sorry little life. I am too tired to fight now.


Every crash of every wave eats away at my very soul and as we approach the shore I feel the cold mist swirl its way around my body in a blanket of despair. I have arrived, but they will not greet me though I am a wanted and expected guest. The lonely walk to my prison cell is to be one of the longest of my life, and still I feel her near me; her apprehension and fear just as tangible as my own. I walk the walk of a condemned man like the consummate professional I have become since that fateful night that I lost my dearest friends.


“Just a bit to your right, that’s it. Now, there’s a bench behind you to sit on, so be careful. Sit still Sirius while I take off these binds and the Blinding spell. It’ll take a while for your sight to return to normal, but it will return, I promise.”


I reach out blindly for my captor’s hands and grasp them into mine in fear and frustration. The damp aroma of my new, unwelcoming surroundings fuse together with her familiar, floral perfume to create a curious tempting odour and I open my mouth to taste and breathe her air, for I know she cannot remain with me for much longer, and I must remember this moment for I know not when I will see her again. She is already at risk for being here with me at all. My throat is so dry and weak from shouting and the subsequent tension that rises now in my darkest of days prevents me from saying all I need to say. As I hold her hands in mine I can feel her emotion rising within her body; can sense her conflict between friendship and duty and I caress her fingers and slowly stroke her upturned wrists, feeling her quickening, panicked pulse beating against the very tips of my fingers. Her blurred image trembles before me and though she shares the responsibility of my incarceration; though she is the one who condemns my future to who knows what ends, I feel the salt water welling in her, slowly trickling down her burning cheeks, and as it drops on to my hand I reach out to wipe away her river of tears, caressing her cheeks. She kisses my outstretched hand and holds it to her mouth, the heat of her breath arousing within me my own bitter tears of regret. But I have nothing to regret: I did nothing wrong. I speak to her for the first time, breaking our enforced heavy silence.


“I know you tried, my darling. I know you have done everything you could have to prevent me from sitting here now. It is not your fault. Do not blame yourself.”


She kisses my fingers, pressing her soft, warm flesh against the bitter cold of mine to show her affection and support.


“I believe in you, Sirius. I want you to know that I believe you and I love you like I always have and I will do everything I can to prove your innocence. You’ve always been there for me…like a brother.”


My sight is returning, and I can make out the silhouette of the witch who had been so much a part of my formative years, and now she is nearly all I had left in the world. My eyes feast on her pain and anguish and, as if realising, she turns her head towards the door to hide her eyes, or is it that the exit, and what it holds, is what she fears the most: the uncertainty of the future. With a single finger placed delicately underneath her jaw, I turn her face back to mine and witness those deep, black eyes glitter in a sea of tears just like the reflection of the stars on a moonlit, frosty night. She doesn’t have to speak to me; her eyes speak a million words and I read her emotions like an open book, and they panic me.


“When you go I want you to find him, and prove me right, whatever it takes. Whatever you have to do, I just want them all to know the truth. It wasn’t me, I promise you; no I beg you. It wasn’t me, and you have to understand, and make them all understand, or I swear I will never cease to haunt your dreams. I will never let you be at peace.”


She turns her face towards the old, wooden door again and whispers, “Don’t talk so, Sirius.”


“Why? What are the chances of my survival here? When you are gone I am lost forever. I feel them already, playing with my emotions and feeding on my soul. They taunt my memories. Don’t tell me you don’t feel them too; don’t try and ignore what is in front of you, or what you can feel deep within you. It is so cold here…so cold.”


When she moves to face me again I see her young, innocent looking eyes stare into my resigned, tired ones and search for a glimmer of hope within me, but we both know there is none. I stand to hold her close but the weakness from the previous days events grab hold of my body and I lurch forward, but she catches me from my fall, holding me in her arms. As she holds me upright I press my ear against her breast and hear her beating heart. She nuzzles her face down into my hair, and holds me as if I were a distraught child, lost and alone in an unfamiliar world. I wrap my arms around her, holding her close and as tight as I can, never wanting to release her from my grasp. She is my last hope and I cannot let her go from here for if she does I will have nothing but my own company to console me and my heart will break into a thousand tiny pieces. My worst fear is realised.


“Time to go now, girl. Say your goodbyes and make it quick. The weather’s turning bad and we need to get you out of here before Fudge finds out.”


We break from our embrace to face each other and I bend down to kiss her forehead, though I already struggle to contain my thoughts and feelings as the Dementors edge ever closer to feed on my very being. It takes all my strength to speak.


“You have to go. Just do as I ask, and remember me. Promise me you’ll remember me, Arella.”

“I will. I promise.”


As I heard the door click shut I hear her sobs as she fights her way out of my life, and I return to sit in the damp, unwelcoming corner of my new abode, holding my knees up against my chin, and shut my swollen eyes waiting for madness to claim me. And, as I edge further to the outer edges of my sanity, I remember my past and theirs. I remember better days gone by and happier times; sunny afternoons and lazy days of summers gone. I remember laughter, tears, weddings and her smile. I remember the Marauders, Lily, Snape, my family and that which had gone before.

But I dream of her. I dream of Arella, and where the journey began.

Blinded

“Hello Sirius! What did you think of that exam then?”



The blonde Ravenclaw girl that I often noticed passing my way came up to me and questioned me for the fifth time that week about my NEWT exams in her best deep, seductive voice to gain my undivided attention: it didn’t work. I could feel Remus’ eyes boring into my back as I smiled politely and told her, with a nonchalant shrug, that it could go either way and I wasn’t all that bothered, what ever happened. I frowned at the excited expression on her face, and wondered why on earth she insisted on bothering me when there were so many others she could be asking. Remus had claimed she was infatuated with me, but I failed to see why, when I didn’t find her remotely attractive or interesting. She left me with a smile on her pretty face, and Remus came over to join me, his lanky frame shaking with glee. He laughed at me in a quiet chuckle to himself.

“You just don’t get it, do you?” he smirked, and then shook his head at my confused face.

“What? I was polite. I don’t even know the girl!”

He rolled his eyes and looked at me in a disbelieving sort of way, as if I really should know what he was about to say.

“Most blokes would give their right arm for a chance to date Sabine, but you! Oh no! Far too busy, unless it’s offered on a plate. Just too much effort for you, isn’t it Sirius?” He grinned at me some more through his sandy coloured hair as he said “ I don’t understand how you can be so familiar with women and yet so clueless at the same time.”

I grinned and flicked another Bertie Botts bean into my wide-open mouth as I lean casually against the wall of the Great Hall. My reputation with the opposite sex was well known, if a little misunderstood. If I found a girl interesting enough and attractive I would give her all the time in the world, but I refused to be drawn into someone’s tangled web like James had been with Lily. Commitment and I did not sit well together. But I was no cad: always polite and kind and always the perfect gentleman, unless I was not required to be so, and then, well, who was I to refuse? Remus looked at me, still annoyed as I pondered and smirked and so I thought I would try to help him out a little.

“I’ll get you a date with her if you want me to, Moony. What did you say her name was again?”

“Who’s this you’re trying to set our Moony up with then, Padfoot?”

James swaggered out of the Great Hall to where we had been waiting for the rest of our gang, and punched me playfully on the arm. I shrugged my shoulders.

“That blonde one from Ravenclaw that Rellie is always going on about. Sienna, isn’t it?” I asked Remus.

James laughed at me, and raised his eyebrows in mock surprise.

“Not Sabine Peterson? Bloody hell Padfoot, you want to keep her for yourself, not pass her to old Moony! She’s gorgeous!”

He didn’t see Lily creeping up from behind him.

“Gorgeous? I hope you’ re talking about me, James Potter.”

She slid her arms around his waist from behind and he turned towards her, kissing her softly on the lips, much to my utter disgust. James couldn’t hide his guilt from Lily, and as Remus and I grinned to one another, marvelling at his pained expression, I decided to add to his plight.

“Actually Lily, he was talking about Sabine Peterson.”

I grinned triumphantly as James mouthed ‘Thanks’ and Remus squirmed as Lily’s anger welled up to a crescendo, and she withdrew form her embrace.

“Oh her! What on earth do you all see in her? Actually don’t answer that, I really don’t want to know. You should hear what Rellie says about her when she annoys her. She said last week she was a ‘ stuck up cow with no taste and no knickers.’”

Lily’s impression of Arella sent me into fits of barking laughter and as I eyed my companions I saw they were both suppressing fits of laughter too. James could hold his emotion no longer and he burst out laughing at the still scowling Lily.

“Yeah, that’s why she’s making eyes at Padfoot! No taste!”

“No knickers?” repeated Remus, frowning and blushing as James ruffled his sandy hair and made it just as messy as his own. I had to smile at the reddened cheeks of my embarrassed friend. He was so bookish and insular I couldn’t even remember a time he had even been kissed, though the girls seemed to like him, as he was such a gentle soul. He often complained that he was the agony uncle for my exes, but I think he exaggerated a little. But his solitary ways were his way of dealing with his lycanthropy, and we all made sure that he was never made to feel lonely in other ways, though Lily and Arella did not accompany us at full moon. Full moon was a time that Arella feared greatly. Though she was a distant relation of Remus’ and loved him dearly, she had never got over her fear of werewolves since they were attacked as children, and Remus had received the bite. James had often thought that if she could overcome that fear within, they would have made a good couple, and Lily had tried several times to match-make the two of them, but they would not hear of it, and there was a small part of me that was glad they felt that way. We already had one golden couple, and another was more than I could cope with.

As I dodged a swing from the ever playful James, we noticed that Lily had back tracked her way into the Hall again, and as she went in Peter came out and James grabbed his arm to stop him from walking straight past us.

“Where’s Lily gone to now, Wormtail?”

Peter sighed and looked towards us, weighing up his words as he spoke.

“Arella and Severus had a bit of a row in there. It wasn’t very pleasant and he was out of order. I thought she was going to hex him at one point but then all the rest of that Slytherin gang joined in and she got upset. I think Lily’s gone to sort her out.”

My anger swelled up inside me, running through my veins and making my heartbeat quicken with the sound of Snape’s name. Ever since I had found Arella and Severus the evening after the prank I had pulled on him I had hated Snape with such a passion, which was even more than I did before. I will never forget that look in his eyes as he attempted to hurt her with the Cruciatus curse, thinking she had helped me in the prank, even though she had told him the truth time after time. He could not see beyond his anger. She had been his loyal and devoted girlfriend of nearly three years, despite our pleading with her to come to her senses, and the thanks she got was to be hurt and betrayed by him. And even then, after he had hurt her so, she refused to let all the rest of our group know what had gone on; I was the only one who knew the truth. Soon after their row, the girl I had known for so long became a shadow of her former self, burying herself in books and her Quidditch captaincy, which she took very seriously. She spent more time with Remus in those dark days, and leaned on him rather than me. Her days for the pranks and dares had seemed to be over, and I had tried to bring the old Arella back, despite James saying she had brought it all on herself.

James and Arella rarely saw eye to eye, partly because of their ingrained Quidditch rivalry and partly because she had dated the Slytherin who annoyed and irritated James more than any other pupil at Hogwarts. He had no sympathy for her, but I, on the other hand, could not bear to see her in so much pain and I had made every effort to heal her wounds.

Not that I ever dated her or even fancied her. She was a friend and nothing more, but I cannot deny she had a quality about her that stirred something within me: a connection that I couldn’t explain but we were, in essence true friends. She mystified me, on occasion controlled me and her laughter was so infectious it made me smile just to remember. She was game for a dare again now, and often sneaked around the corridors with me, heading for the Potions store cupboard and stealing ingredients or swapping labels on the bottles for a laugh. With James and Lily spending as much time as they could alone together she had become my fellow mischief-maker, and, for her daredevil spirit and cunning nature, I adored her. Even when she had dated him I stayed close to her and Snape hated me for it. The feeling was mutual, and as Arella came through those doors I headed behind her to find him and give him a piece of my mind, but was held back by a large pair of hands placed on my broad shoulders: Remus.

“Leave it, Padfoot. She won’t tell me what went on between them, but I know she’s told you everything and I think that just makes you a little too involved. If anyone should talk to him it should be me, not you. And even then I’ll only do it if she wants me to.”

So rare was it for Remus to step in I did as he asked and took a step back, Part of me was ready to pounce onto the greasy Slytherin as he chatted to his loathsome friends, and the other part drawn back to Remus. It was so like him to prevent a confrontation and become the calm and considerate diplomat, even with Snape. Of course I knew what he had meant: if I waded in with both feet it could make things a whole lot worse for Arella and none of us wanted that. But it took every single sinew in my body to hold me back that day and ignore what I felt about that Slytherin in my heart. I swung around to where the girls had been and saw Lily walk along the corridor to the Gryffindor common room with Arella, as although Arella was a true Ravenclaw she spent much of her free time with us in the Gryffindor common room, as long as the right people were around. Remus appeared to read my mind as I took a step forward.

“I’d leave them for a bit, Padfoot. I think they may need a bit of a girlie chat for a while. She’ll be all right, and I’ll go and check on her in a minute. You stay with James and keep him out of the way for a while.”

I shrugged my shoulders and gritted my teeth with frustration and glanced towards James, who was currently avoiding my gaze on purpose. He glanced upwards in my direction, thinking my line of sight was elsewhere, and pressed his lips together as if suppressing his words. As Remus left us he stepped over to me, his hand placed on my shoulder as a sign of our friendship.

“She’s as much to blame as he is mate, you have to see that. We all told her when she first went out with him what a mistake she was making but she ignored us then and she’ll probably ignore us now. She made her bed…literally.”

Now it was my turn to avoid his gaze, and I watched the sunlight playing on the stained glass window of the Great Hall, making delicate, flittering patterns like tiny butterflies on the cool stone floor beneath my feet, but somehow there fairy-like dance just served to remind me of her. Desperate for my undivided attention, James nudged me with his elbow, knocking me sideways, and when I turned to look upon his face he was grinning wickedly and I knew by the look in his eye he had a plan.

“Course, just because I don’t agree with Arella, it doesn’t mean we can’t give old Snivellus a bit of advice on how to behave with women, does it? Whatever she’s done, he shouldn’t have made her cry, right?”

I stared straight into his eyes and patted my best friend on the back in total agreement, unable to contain my delight.

“Prongs, you amaze me with your genius and wisdom sometimes, my friend.”

I held out my hand in a grand gesture and with a sweep of my arm said, “ Please, lead the way and let the fun commence.”

But after a thorough search of the grounds we discovered that Severus had gone to Hogsmeade with his obnoxious Slytherin friends and deliciously tempting though it was, James had second thoughts about confronting him in public: Lily had more of an influence on him than I had realised, and so we had to return to the common room dejected and downhearted. However, as we entered the room I could tell the mood had lifted, and Arella was teasing Remus about finding a date for the final ball we would ever attend at Hogwarts. She glanced at me and winked mischievously as she sat down just behind Remus, and squeezed his arm, though he refused to be a part of their conversation and hid behind his copy of the Daily Prophet to avoid their gaze.

“So, do you want me to put in a good word for you with Hestia then, Remus? I think she needs some romance in her life and you are Mr Romantic, aren’t you? You are the most loving, romantic male here.”

As James headed towards Lily, hand outstretched to pull her closer to him, he coughed to gain our attention, grinning wickedly at Lily as he spoke.

“Remus is not the most romantic male here! That would be me, wouldn’t it Lily?”

Lily smiled, and touched his cheek affectionately, pinching a fold of his skin between her fingers and thumb.

“Of course you are dear, but Remus is just a little bit more..erm…”

James looked indignant as Remus peered out of from behind his newspaper and grinned, half embarrassed and half bemused. James frowned at Lily, releasing her from her grasp in mock fury.

“Well?” he demanded.

“Tactful, polite, gentlemanly….need I go on?” she grinned at his reddening face and winked.

“I’m all of those!”

Arella scoffed. “When are you ever tactful, James Potter? And polite for that matter?”

I joined in the conversation, bemused by James’ irritated expression.

“They’re right, you know! You’re bloody awful, you are!” and I laughed as I placed both hands behind my head and leaned back into the old cherry-coloured leather chair. Arella crumpled with laughter as she viewed my arrogance and threw a cushion in my direction which I caught single handedly.

“You’re just as bad, you old devil, if not worse!”

“What? I’m always the perfect gentleman and a romantic fool when I date a lady!”

It was James’ turn to pour scorn upon my words.

“Yeah, but when was the last time you dated a lady?”

I grabbed the cushion on my lap and hurled it in his direction, but he ducked and it hit Peter instead, who had been observing quietly in the corner of the room, alone and attentive as usual. I stood up and placed my hands upon my hips, flicking my hair back from my face and played my mocking part well.

“Are you saying that I am a cad, James Potter? The worst sort of man who has his wicked way with young women and casts them aside? I am more than capable of behaving myself with a woman and I have dated several ladies too, thank you!”

I held my wand out and placed it with one flick of a wrist underneath his chin, pointing my nose skywards in mock disdain.

“I challenge you, Sir, that I will prove my worth at the ball with my intended victim…erm…date.”

James threw his head back with laughter, pushed away the wand from his chin, and patted my back with a single blow.

“You’ve changed your tune! You said the ball was far too dull for you to attend. And which one out of the little black book will be attending then? Arabella, Morwenna, Cymbaline…?”

I have no idea why I said her name, but hers was the first I thought of as I spoke to James that day. “Arella.”

Even Peter stopped laughing as I spoke her name. James looked as stunned as I had ever seen him, as did Arella, whose eyes were now as wide as owls, and her mouth wide open in shock, so much so that she failed to answer. Prongs went to answer with some clever remark but Lily decided to give him a look of “Don't you dare” as if anticipating a slight aimed at Arella. I winked suggestively at the still stunned brunette, and she opened and closed her mouth as if still attempting to work out some suitable reply but getting no satisfactory answers.

“Sirius, what on earth are you on about? You haven’t asked me to the ball, and since when have I been in that little black book of yours, and what makes you think I would go with you? I wasn’t going to bother this year.”

I walked slowly towards her and as I reached her feet, placed neatly together as she sat on the window seat, I got down on my knees, clasped her hands in mine, and kissed them while holding her gaze constantly. It was very theatrical.

“Will you do me the honour of accompanying me to the ball, my lady? We shall have a good time and laugh together in the face of Sir Severus Snape.”

She leaned forwards, her warm breath playing on my skin, creating a sensation within me that I did not understand and looked into my eyes, squinting her own as if searching within my very soul to see the truth.

“Why should I trust you, Sirius Black? You’re up to something, I bet.”

“Because I promise you that I will wash away your woes and show you a very good time. I promise you I will not disappoint you nor allow you to come to any harm, my lady Ravenclaw. And I’ll buy you any extra drinks for the private party here we’ll have afterwards of the alcoholic kind.”

She smiled a slow, seductive smile at me and though we knew it was just a simple game, there was a small flickering flame inside my heart as she said “Then of course I will accept your kind invitation, Sir. But only for the promise of fire whisky, you understand.”

The moment was ruined by a cushion hurtling its way towards my head, thrown by James of course, and laughter from Remus, who had folded his newspaper, too intrigued by our performance. His bemused look turned to his cousin and his face looked as if he had just eaten a slice of lemon.

“Are you really going with him, Rellie?”

She tossed back her raven hair to get a better look at Remus. “Yeah! Why not? He may be just the tonic I need right now, Remus, besides which he knows if he tries anything funny with me I’ll make sure he can never go on a romantic date ever again.”

Remus laughed and nodded towards me as I looked on in horror.

“True, true, but he’s not a man to be trusted. I mean this is Sirius we are talking about.”

“Yeah, but don’t worry Remus. I know how to handle him; he’ll be putty in my hands.”

She raised her eyebrows at me and as she reached forwards she planted the sweetest kiss upon my forehead and squeezed both my cheeks. Lily smiled at us both and then frowned as she glanced across the room.

“So if you two have dates, what about Remus and Peter?”

“Remus has Hestia. I’m sure I’ll be able to sort that one out.”

“Do I get a say in this?” questioned Remus.

“No!” shouted Lily and Arella together, laughing like two giggly schoolgirls.

Remus huffed and sank further into his chair, now outnumbered in the conversation and feeling distinctly uncomfortable to have his love life discussed so. Peter piped up in his familiar squeaky voice.

“Oh, well…I …I already asked Fenella.”

I glanced across at James, who was mirroring the expression on my face, and then we both turned to Peter in unison, open mouthed and eyes wide with shock. I spoke slowly, to ensure he understood my every word.

“Please tell me you don’t mean Fenella Fuggle, Peter!”

He shrugged, and squirmed in his seat.

“Is there another Fenella? I…I ..know she’s…she’s...”

“Yeah! A Slytherin, you prat!” James couldn’t control his anger at the news.” What the hell were you thinking of, dating one of that lot?”

“She’s very nice once you get to know her.”

Peter’s face grew redder by the minute, but I had to agree with James. This was bad news. The Slytherin group of our year were a bunch of pure blood, Dark Arts loving idiots and we already had Arella date one of them, though at least she had now come to her senses. And here was Wormtail, about to make the same mistake himself. It just couldn’t happen.

“She’s only doing it so they can have a good laugh at you, Wormtail. I bet Severus is chuckling away with them all right now about this. She’s playing you for a fool and you can’t even see it!”

Peter rose from his seat, and everyone turned to stare at him.

“Then…then she wouldn’t be much different to the way you all treat me, would she?”

Leaving us all open-mouthed and astounded by his outburst, Peter left the common room and slammed the door behind him.

========================



I can feel the anger surging through me, but the ever-present force of the Dementors turn my anger to sorrow, regret and despair as I see my error. Why didn’t we see it then? Why, when the warning signs were there, did we become so blind? He dated a Slytherin, from a family mine knew only too well! And though he still hung around with us, joined us as the rat, laughed along with us, was he so loyal, even back then? Admittedly he only dated her for that ball, or did he? Was he seeing her in secret like he had been meeting Voldemort years later? Did he start his deception then?

I must keep my mind but the task is so exhausting and the pain of sorrow grips me. I must hold to my sanity, or what little of it I have left, but the task grows harder and I feel their presence closer now. I cannot fight it. I can only see the sad memories within the folds of my mind.

They make me realise the full extent of the burden buried deep within my lonely heart. James and Lily are dead, Peter is a traitor, Remus is alone and I…I have to face that in my solitary confinement with only these cold, damp walls for consultation.

And Arella? She is lost. Lost to the man whose dreams of reconciliation were shattered when he saw me hold her in my arms that night at the dance. Before my eyes I saw all hope for him had gone and his anger pulsed through him as I pulled her ever closer, feeling the rise and fall of her breathing as we danced the slow dances in front of him. As I caught his eye I kissed her passionately, just to make his world become a mere memory of what could have been. Or was it that I enjoyed the taste of her mouth against mine? I cannot remember: they will not let me remember her.

And yet he would have the last laugh. I feel him laughing now, even though he is far away I see his mocking face and it taunts me. He taunts me and I hear his laughter coming for me down the corridors and yet he is not there; I know he is not there. I must find a way to survive this hell I face or I will slip further into my enforced insanity. I must rest and I must find a way to remember the happier times again. I must remember them all to survive - there has to be away.

The Birthday Bond



I have found a solution to my problem, and I have cheated the ever-present guards from the feast of my fragile and meaningless soul. It is so simple it is laughable, but I am very weak and exhausted and I do not know how long it has been since I began this lonely experiment. I barely remember my own given name. I have no real concept of time, though I fear I have been here many months now, possibly a year or more. My heart quickens in a rush of panic as I consider the world outside that I left so far behind. Has she forgotten me? No, she would never forget me. Has she failed me? No, she cannot fail me for she promised. I will not allow myself to give up all hope for she is the only glimmer of hope I have now. That, and my constant knowledge that I am an innocent man. She knows that. She just has to prove it.


I can transform to my Animagus form. They do not acknowledge me as anything other than the poor wretched beasts, teetering on the brink of madness in the cells around me. I can be free of some of their powers and incessant misery when I am dog like. I can have my private memories on show in my own private world. And yet, even as a dog, I still feel fear. The anguish surrounding me in a cold mist, reaching with icy cold fingers for my heart as it slowly creeps to wrap itself around me. It distorts my reality so I cannot tell fact from fiction. Much of my time is spent plotting and scheming against those who would not hear my voice when I protested my innocence. Crouch, Fudge, but above all Pettigrew. Peter Pettigrew; the man who fooled us all with his sycophantic, weak-willed ways. The man who should take his rightful place here in the cell with the other rats for company. Yes, this cell would suit him well. He is a constant presence in my dreams, for I sleep often, all my energy taken by my transformations, and so is Arella. I do not feel anger towards her like I do the others. She had no choice but to bring me here when all evidence pointed to my guilt, and she was only following the orders of others. She had no choice. She will save me, just as I once attempted to save her, but I failed her. She cannot fail me.

She promised me.


*********************************************************************



“So, do you all want to hear my idea then?”


I tipped back my chair, scanning the faces seated around the table as I did so with a sense of pride swelling within me, as I was the Lord and Master of my own home. It wasn’t much and terribly run down and shabby in places. The bathroom was musty, and the bath leaked through the floorboards to the downstairs ceiling if you moved around too much. Much of the wallpaper in the living room was peeling off through mould, and wear and tear, and the greater part of the upstairs was infested with Doxy’s. But here, in the dining room, I had managed to exterminate them, and the room had a certain elegance about it. It was lit by the dull light of the candles I had placed around us in three large Gothic candelabra, which were formed into twists from the base in sensuous, curved motions. I had purchased a worn, mahogany oval table as a distinguishing showpiece and just the basic cutlery and crockery essentials. The curtains were in a rich golden velvet hung from up high with swags and fringing, and Arella had insisted I buy a huge Persian rug for in front of the fire in the living area. She had helped me buy much of the items in the house as she had more of an eye for that sort of thing than I did. The house now had a feminine touch about it; something in living with the Black family I had not been used to. My mother was never one for such frivolities.

James and Lily had joined me on this special night, as had Remus. Peter had a last minute date, which caused much speculation and chatter amongst us, so he wasn’t joining us. Arella was in the kitchen, preparing her favourite chocolate mousse recipe, which she had volunteered to make when I said I would entertain everyone for the celebration of her birthday. She and I had already had a little too much celebrating in the form of fire whiskey before the party had even begun, and now I decided the time was right to inform my closest friends of my scheme. A crash of breaking crockery and those plans were interrupted.

“You alright, Rellie?” I shouted, wondering what she had done this time. She was always clumsy when she’d had too much to drink.

An awful cackle of hysterical laughter came out of the kitchen followed by “Bugger it” and more incessant laughter. We all got up to peer around the kitchen door. There sat our dessert in one mound of frothing chocolate sitting in several pieces oozing across the floor, with Arella frantically trying to scoop it up before we all saw the turmoil she was in. She had chocolate all over her face, and down her dress, and as I looked at the state of her I had to laugh and join her in the chaos that I was taking pleasure in. Transforming into the dog, I jumped up on my hind legs and licked the mousse off her shocked face, making her struggle and squeal.

“Sirius, pack it in!”

I transformed back, laughing at her annoyed face. I rose and graciously grabbed both her hands, pulling her up off of the chaotic floor into a friendly bear hug and kissing her gently on the lips absentmindedly, as if it were my natural place to do so.

“You shouldn’t be clearing up, you silly old hag! You’re the birthday girl, for goodness sake.”

“Yeah,” grinned Lily, her emerald eyes sparkling, “He’s right Rellie, and anyway I made you a proper birthday cake with candles and everything. We can have that!”

Lily laughed at James worried face at the mention of her cooking, as did we all. We made our way back down to the table to watch Arella blow out the candles Remus had lit for her. The flickering flames played upon her alabaster skin, highlighting her cheekbones and her reddened, inviting lips. Whether it was the drink talking I’m not too sure, but she looked radiant that night, and my plan was confirmed just by seeing that vision. She was the first to enquire.

“So come on then, don’t keep us in suspense any longer! What’s this plan of yours?”

“Yeah,” smirked James “ What is it this time, Mastermind? Joining us at the Aurors, becoming the next Minister of Magic?”

“Nope,” I answered haughtily, raising my nose into the air slightly.

Remus stared at me with a quizzical and horrified expression on his face. “ You haven’t gone and got yourself a job, have you?”

“Pah,” I barked, “ Don’t be obscene Remus!”

“Well, we’re all waiting, Sirius,” muttered Lily in a joking sort of way, her arms folded in a stern but mock expression. All my dearest friends were awaiting my every word.

I took a deep breath and looked around at their expectant faces. “I’m going back to my parents.”

It was James who reacted first, with a bemused look on his face. He scoffed. “You are joking?”

“No, and Arella is coming with me.”

Arella blinked slowly as if she had misheard what I had just said. Then, as the reality of my words hit her she frowned. She knew from the look on my face that I was serious.

“Why? Why on earth would I want to come and visit your parents with you? Why would you want to visit your parents, for that matter?” She sat open-mouthed waiting for a reply.

“Because you and I will be living together by then.”

It was at this point that James went into hysterics and banged his head onto the table. The effects of being a little inebriated. As we all stared at him, it wasn’t until he raised his head for breath that he glanced upon my sober face that the laughter ceased. He glared at me aggrieved I had not let him in on my scheme.

“But you two aren’t…well…you know, are you?”

Arella reddened, shaking her head at him in an angry gesture, her eyes as black as a midnight sky. They always grew darker when she was angered. “ No we are not, but what the bloody hell has it got to do with you anyway, James Potter.” She stood up and pushed her chair out of the way making an awful scraping noise to wake the dead as she did so. “I’m going to make a coffee. I need to sober up for this. And I’ve wrecked my new dress! Some bloody birthday this is turning out to be.”

James sat upright in a rigid stance to counter Arella’s furious stare as she stormed out of the room. His normally friendly face was now ashen. They looked set to duel if Lily had not placed her delicate hand upon James’ arm and controlled his temper a little. Lily was sat next to Arella’s now vacant seat, and she coughed to break the angry silence. All heads turned to hear her wisdom. If anyone could break the tension Lily could.

“When you say live together you mean you’d pretend to, or you actually will, Sirius?”

I stood up, and as I explained my plans I strolled around the table. I was gesticulating frequently to give weight to my words, though I still gripped my whisky glass as I did so.

“Look, I had an idea that I could help out the Order by somehow getting back in my parents good books. I can’t be an Auror like James or Rellie, or a Death Eater for that matter. And no offence to you or Peter, Lily, but Ministry work would be so tedious and dull it would destroy my soul, though I know you go out on raids with James sometimes. So, as Remus is good friends with Dumbledore these days, I thought I’d get him to tell him my ideas. The idea that if I went to my dear old Mum and said ‘Guess what Mother, you were right all along and I’m such a silly boy. Now I see that purebloods are the superior beings and I want to come back to you all.’ I’d learn a fair bit from them, bearing in mind their social circles and connections.”

James played with his unruly dark hair, like he always did when he had a problem to think about, and followed me with his eyes as I paced the room. But as he realised what I had just said, he gawped at Remus.

“You knew about this? Is he really being serious? Don’t muck about you two, for Merlin’s sake! It isn‘t going to be as easy as that!”

Remus shook his head and looked directly into James’ eyes. “ I knew the bit about him going to see his parents but I had no idea that he planned this thing with Arella.”

“And me!” shouted Arella, as she returned with a tray laden with mugs of hot steamy coffee, slamming it down on the table with a heavy clunk. I smirked at her disgruntled face and approached her as I explained.

“Well, I’ve been thinking…”

She rolled her eyes at me and grunted as she began to pour out the hot black liquid into the assembled mugs, her hand shaking as she did and her lips pursed.

“And now all becomes clear, doesn’t it? I’m always in trouble when you’re thinking.”

“What do you mean?” I inquired innocently.

She stopped serving, placed the coffee pot down on the tray.She stood upright, facing me, and put her hands out in front of her chest, fingertips outstretched as she began to count my misdemeanours on her hands.

“First year, Professor Zelleg’s Potions lesson. You chucked in essence of Vakirum into my cauldron and it exploded. Potions lessons and the poor Professor were never the same for me after that. Second year, Valentines Day, you made me kiss Peter in the Great Hall at teatime because you put a love potion in my pumpkin juice. Admittedly, when I went out with Severus you left me alone, until the ultimate foolishness with him and Remus on that full moon. Then a year or two ago Zebediah McCreedy, one of my first arrests, claims that I was his alibi. I find out ‘I' was playing poker with him while you stole all the grog from Knockturn Alley. Except I wasn’t. Was I? He was playing Mundungus using Polyjuice. I looked a right prat after that! And last year I was in agony for weeks after you had that great idea that I needed a ride on that ruddy motorbike of yours.” She smirked as she looked at me, and shook her head as if there was no hope. I looked aggrieved though I knew what she meant.

“You did! You loved it too, flying through the air with the wind in your hair and me holding you tight from behind, watching all those Muggles stuck in traffic while we soared above them. That was a lovely surprise of mine.”

“Yeah, especially when you decided to show me how fast the damn thing would go and I ended up in St Mungo’s. So what do you intend to put me through now? I can‘t believe Dumbledore agreed this was a good idea, though I‘ve been suspicious about him for a while.” Her facial expression changed as she spoke and James sat up, glaring at her.

“What does that mean, exactly?”

“Just that he knows a lot more than he lets on and yet still he lets innocent people lose their lives needlessly. That’s why I’m not in the Order.”

James frowned. “I wasn’t aware you’d been asked.”

Arella widened her eyes and pulled a resentful expression on her pretty face. “Frank and Alice told me I should think about it ages ago, but I’d rather not, thanks all the same. I’ll stick with the sharks at the Ministry. At least I know their agenda. I value my job too much to take different sides.”

“Oh come on Rellie. Lighten up a bit. Dumbledore might be a bit mad but he’s hardly vindictive. You need to relax a bit.” I grinned at her and winked but it seemed to make her more furious than ever.

“This is serious, Sirius! We live in serious times now. If you saw the things that James and I had seen going on recently you‘d wonder too. I do trust him but…oh I don’t know! How can he know what could happen and yet let it all take place? I‘ve seen children, Sirius, babies…innocent lives ruined.” She looked away from me, clutching her forehead with her hand and rubbing it as if it pained her. I took her hand away and placed it to my waiting lips, kissing her gently, holding her gaze.

“I just had an idea that wouldn’t it be an amazingly good idea if I told my parents I was about to make a most respectable Pureblood marriage.”

Arella snatched her hand away violently and turned to Remus, who was as bemused as he was silent. She sat back down in her chair with a sigh as if exhausted, but raised her voice nevertheless.

“Please tell me I’m hearing things, Remus! I mean I’m an Auror for Merlin’s sake. Did you not listen to what I was just saying?”

Remus shook his head slowly, listening to Arella’s pleas.

“I can’t say you‘re hearing things love! I actually think you should just hear him out. It’s not a bad idea, when you think about it, and I also think you should join the Order. They could do with you working with them.”

If my other guests hadn’t been shocked before they certainly were now, especially James and Arella. James held his head in his hands but Lily spoke softly to cut at the heated atmosphere.

“Well I suppose you had been saying how much you hated being at the old house on your own, Arella, since your parents passed away. At least if you lived here you wouldn’t be lonely, and you’d only be pretending. And as for the Order, well, that‘s up to you. We wouldn’t force you to do anything you didn’t want to do.”

James stared at Lily incredulously, frowning as he looked into her eyes. His tone was blunt as he spoke and he raised his voice to her.

“You think this is a good idea; her and Sirius? You can’t play games on a whim now! I thought you understood Lily.”

Lily sat up and faced James head on, her green eyes shimmering as she grew angrier. She shouted back in retaliation.

“I think it has its merits, yes! And I’m sorry if that goes against you, James Potter, but I am still very much my own person and I still have a brain. Just because I agreed to marry you, it does not mean you are speaking for both of us.” She turned away from him and turned to me instead, smiling sympathetically as only Lily could.

“Sirius, I think if you can help the Order without getting into any kind of trouble then you should go for it.”

James stood up suddenly and waved his arms wildly in the air as if overcome with a burst of inspiration.

“Ha! ‘Without getting into trouble.’ But Arella will be in trouble if the Ministry find out she’s engaged to a member of the Black family and living with him too, even if it is a pack of lies. They will not allow it.”

Arella stood and slammed down her mug of coffee, her dark eyes looking even blacker as she walked towards James menacingly. They flashed with her seething anger. Lily glanced across at Remus, biting her lip between her teeth. He nodded to reassure her. I watched them, and I knew what they both meant. They may have to step in if this got too much. James and Arella arguing could get nasty. She stopped just in front of him and they faced one another silently, Arella crossing her arms in front of her chest to form a barrier. As she went to speak she sucked in her cheeks and scowled at the man before her: A look like that could make a man squirm.

“Why? Who’ll tell them James? You? Yeah, you‘d love that wouldn’t you? You just can’t stand a bit of competition, Potter. Hate it if we come up trumps won‘t you?”

James mirrored her stance and crossed his arms to match her. “ I will do no such thing, but you two can’t just play games with no thought of others.”

Arella rolled her eyes. “Didn’t you hear me earlier? I said that myself! Merlin James you are pigheaded! Sirius just wants to do his bit for the Order, that’s all. Just because it’s not your idea, and the world isn’t revolving around the glorious Potter.”

James stood open mouthed before he spoke as if winded by her words. “My goodness I never realised what an effect he had on you still, Arella.”

She shrugged petulantly. “I don’t know what you mean.”

I knew what he meant. I knew she understood him even though she was goading him to come out and say what he really thought about her after all this time. And I also knew the minute he did she would agree to my plans whether she had nagging doubts or not. If anyone could make her agree it was James and his obstinate lack of faith in her abilities. He had lit the touch paper and she set the world alight like the brightest firework in a cold November sky. I watched James and listened as in that split second he sealed our fate.

“Snape. You sound just like him and his arrogant ways, Arella. Maybe he had more of an effect on you than I thought. Maybe he‘s why you didn’t join the Order.”

She glared at him, but did nothing else but gave him a defiant stare and waited. The room was silent and you could have heard the proverbial pin drop until she moved away from him and sauntered towards me with the biggest smile on her face and a look of sheer rebelliousness.

“I’ll treat that comment with the contempt it deserves. I’ve changed my mind, Sirius, I think it’s a tremendous idea and I accept your kind offer. Of course I would love to live here with you, but on the understanding that we lead totally separate lives and you are forbidden to enter my room until I say you can. And no illegal gambling, or smuggling, or anything remotely dodgy while I’m here. I am still an Auror whether you like it or not.”

Raising just one eyebrow I held out my hand and we shook on the deal. I placed my arm around her shoulders and reached over to hand her a glass. She pulled me into a hug and clinked her glass against my own. “Cheers Sirius. To our new partnership.”

I watched her as she knocked back the whisky in one swift gulp and I laughed out loud as she shook her head the minute the potent liquid hit the back of her throat. It was the devil in her that made her who she was and I adored her for it. She wrapped her arms about my neck, as much for support as for affection and said, “ I bloody love you, Sirius Black.”

And as she nestled her raven-haired head against my shoulder and I viewed the stunned and silent faces around me I almost believed it could be true.

Chess



“Come on Arella. It’s bad enough I’ve got to attend this ruddy gathering without you prolonging the agony. What’s taking you so long?”


I turned the rusty, brown handle of her bedroom door but she had locked it, and I was shut out and made to wait, which I do not do well. As I leaned backwards, I banged my head against the door and rolled my eyes in bored splendour. I was nervous, I admit. My palms were already sticky with sweat and I could feel the beads of perspiration build around my hairline. This was the moment of truth we had waited for: to be accepted publicly back into the very bosom of my adorable family.

It had seemed all so simple when I first formulated my plan but, over the past few weeks, I had seen the machinations of the Black family, and I remembered just what I would be walking into tonight. The plan was far from simple now. After much effort and persuasion, I had finally managed to convince my parents and sibling that I was a changed man. At first I had struggled, but I was now a regular visitor and my mother almost seemed pleased when I called. I had also gained a little valuable information for the Order from my Father, though he was still cagey and suspicious around me. I hoped tonight I would be able to do the same.


They would all be there tonight, at least those who had married well, which discounted my favourite cousin, Andromeda. The rest of the clan were expected to make an appearance, as well as some notable others, most of which would be formally introduced to Arella. I would have to keep an eye on Bellatrix and Narcissa. They had always disliked Arella, though I hoped they would have reached a certain level of maturity by now. I knew there were no guarantees. I hoped perhaps their respective marriages would have mellowed them a little.


My heart leapt into my mouth as the door handle moved slightly, and I stood upright to face her, adjusting my suit as I did and checking the cufflinks were all in place. My Mother had insisted on formality. Arella stepped out of the room looking radiant that night. Her skin had a little colour to it, enhanced by the minimal amount of makeup she wore, and her whole appearance looked heavenly to me. Her scarlet dress was floor length. It skimmed her ample curves, and shimmered in the light, highlighting her best features and making her hair appear to shine. I proudly took her arm, mesmerised into silence by her unwavering duty and determination, for she was far calmer than I. Had it been any other woman, I would have complemented her on her appearance, and told her she was beautiful, but this was a business arrangement and nothing more. I had to remain professional for both our sakes, though I was sorely tempted more than once to sweep her off her feet.



Minutes later, we walked the long, sweeping drive, as silent as the clear summer night. Upon seeing the lights of the Black country mansion, which had been our summer retreat, she clung to my arm like a frightened child, her eyes wider now with a sense of foreboding.



“Are you ok with this, Sirius? If they were to ever find out the truth…”

I gently took her hand in mine and squeezed it for reassurance.


“I know the risks. This was my idea, remember? I’ve been working on them for weeks. It’s normal for them to want to invite you to this sort of gathering, and for me to introduce them all. Mother has been so enthusiastic at the thought of the possibility I may marry a Ravenclaw pureblood she’s almost been maternal towards me, Merlin forbid! Are you ready for this?”


She smiled a little reluctantly, and swallowed her fears.


“Yes. Come on, I’ve always wondered what your parents were like. Hideous, obviously, to have bred you, but I often wondered just the same!”



I slapped her playfully on the backside, and put my arm around her waist to complete our journey into the jaws of evil. Mother and Father stood on the porch to greet us. Mother was sickeningly sweet, while checking Arella over with a fine toothed comb for any faults or defects that may render her shoddy breeding stock. Yes, I knew how her mind worked. The fact we had been honest about Arella’s profession had riled my father somewhat, but he remained rigidly guarded and polite. Once we had formally greeted my parents they beckoned us into the drawing room for drinks.

As I looked around me, I saw the room was full of elitist, pureblood loving dignitaries who could only appear here, in the safety of my parents manor. If they let their beliefs be known outside they may lose everything that they had gained. A sickening feeling rose up from the pit of my stomach as I looked at them all. I despised these people. My friends fought daily against their hypocrisy, and yet here I was socialising with them all. I had to remind myself it was all a game: it wasn’t real. But, as I saw my brother Regulus talking fervently in the corner, I wondered if this is what I could have become without my experiences of Hogwarts to save me. Without James, Lily, Peter or Remus would I have fitted in here? Would I have been at my brother’s side for real? I glanced across at Arella who was now speaking to some of Mothers friends: and here was the real reason for my Mothers generosity - allegiances.

Mother and Father were far too Slytherin to outwardly devote any time effort or money to Voldemort, but secretly I was sure there would be some involvement there and I planned to prove it and expose them. And here I was returning to the fold with an apparent change of heart, a pureblood girlfriend and potential access to all the Aurors movements before they happen. Mother must have felt her Christmases had all come at once.

I gathered my thoughts and continued my assessment of the room. The Macnairs, the Rosiers, the Lestranges, with their son Rabastan, but no Rodolphus or his fiancée Bellatrix. I wondered which poor soul was meeting their fate tonight. Narcissa was there, and her new husband, Lucius Malfoy, who I noticed had already wormed his way into the circle of people now speaking animatedly to Arella. The Fowles and the Petersons were deep in conversation. As I stared at them, I barely noticed the tall, dark figure apparently listening to Regulus, though staring out in the direction of Malfoy, and the now cornered and unaccompanied Arella. Snape: he was here. He must have come as a guest with Lucius, surely, or perhaps he was a friend of Regulus now. Whatever or whoever, the intensity of his stare sent me striding to her side to shield her from his gaze. He was the last person she would want to see here tonight, and as her companion I had a duty to protect her. I always protected her as far as he was concerned. I touched her shoulder gently as I finally made the journey across the room to join her, and now Lucius, in the centre of the room. Narcissa sidled up to her husband’s side, with a sickly smile plastering her pale, pointed face. And there we all stood, like pieces on a chessboard, waiting for the other to make the first move. Lucius took control of the silence.



“Well now Arella, I must declare I am a little surprised to see an Auror of such renown here, amongst such ‘distinguished’ guests. Are you not a little out of place here, my dear?”


Arella smiled sweetly, though I could feel her body tensing just by standing next to her with my hand rested in the small of her back. She loathed the couple opposite us.


“One should always keep an open mind in times such as these, would you not say Lucius? My darling Sirius here has shown me there are…other avenues to pursue rather than the one I was sworn to.”


Lucius narrowed his soul piercing eyes and stared directly at me. I did not dare to flinch.


“Have you indeed, Sirius? Have you indeed? Tell me, as I am intrigued, what exactly brought on this sudden change of heart? At what point did a true Gryffindor like yourself come back into the fold of the Black family? It must have been such a terrible wrench for you to leave it all behind you…all your mud blood loving, half breed friends.”



Lucius’ sneer and look of utter contempt made my stomach lurch inwardly. Oh how I would have loved to wipe that smug smile off his oh so perfect face, but now was not the time. I had to swallow this bitter pill and play along in this foolish game they played in front of me.


“I merely saw opportunities arise for others that were not there for me, and I felt aggrieved. The Black family can be traced back to the Norman conquest, possibly even before that, and I find it irritating that a true Wizarding family such as ours is being overlooked in favour of less desirable families.”


Narcissa spoke as soon as I had said those words, her shrill voice aggravating Arella from the moment she opened her narrow lipped mouth. “And yet you always had less desirable friends, didn’t you, Sirius. It did not worry you then.”


“That was then; this is now.”


Again Lucius narrowed his eyes as if searching me for the truth, and Arella sensed my apprehension as he made to speak. But we had an unlikely saviour in the form of my Mother, who sauntered over behind Lucius and Narcissa, placing a hand on the shoulder of Narcissa. Her tone was abrupt and to the point, even to the great Lucius Malfoy.


“Do you question my son’s loyalties, Lucius? Do you wonder at his faith in the cause just because he does not bear the mark like his brother? I do not blame you, for we were just as unconvinced at first. But he has proved his worth and sees his childish errors. It is intended for him to follow in his footsteps of his father, now he has seen the light at long last, and be discreet in his beliefs. Sirius has many very important contacts in high places, and his return to us could be crucial. I, for one, am delighted to see my own flesh and blood return to the bosom of his family. And he brings with him a very worthy companion. Perhaps Sirius may be able to assist you in your endeavours, Lucius. In doing so the Dark Lord will provide for the Black family and give them their rightful rewards. After all we are all family now and soon we may be able to include the lovely Arella in that family too, wouldn’t you say, Sirius?”


I absorbed the glee in my mother’s eyes, and felt the bile rise within my stomach. Oh yes, the prodigal son had returned, and with a valuable prize for them all: an Auror. An Auror with connections, and access to plans and relations with senior Ministry personnel. And a son who had friends in high and low places who could convince them all for Voldemorts needs and whims. Mother could not contain her pride, and yet I felt nothing in return, only bitterness, and a true belief that I could never really call myself a Black.



I was so anti everything these people stood for that her joy that evening just made me even more determined to destroy everything they stood for. They brought home to me the reality of the war that James and Arella were trying to fight while I had up until now been somewhat blinkered to it. My parents could be assisting in the plans to destroy my friends, and I could never sleep at night until I helped to stop the rot of Voldemort. Of course, being the true Slytherins they were, my parents would never swear allegiance to Voldemort outside of these four walls. Above the devotion to the Dark Lord stood their own need for self preservation. But they were deep enough in to be talking to the likes of Malfoy and inviting those other families who had more evident links. Regulus had become a Death Eater and my parents couldn’t be more proud. But the minute his actions brought any problems he would be ostracised just as I had for being a Gryffindor, and seeing their ways as anything but right all those years ago. Mother’s sons were just pawns in her game, and if necessary we were expendable. She would shed no tears over either of us if we brought shame to the family name. Though she feigned affection here, I had never felt any Mother’s love from her in my life. She had never given it and in the end, when I realised all that they were, in my formative years at Hogwarts, I learned never to seek it from her again.



So, as I looked at them through clearer eyes I saw all that they were, and I despised them still, all though they treated me like a welcome guest of honour. A distant echo of soothing music broke my thoughts, and Mother smiled at me in her unnerving way once again.



“Ah, Father has commenced the dance, Sirius. You and Arella must lead us all off. Do not keep us waiting.”



Had I not been doing a job I could have walked out of the room there and then and not turned back. But Arella placed her hand on my shoulder, smiled at my mother in an amazingly genuine way and made to leave for the dance, waiting for me to follow. Lucius, in his gentlemanly way rose and kissed Arella’s hand, much to the disgust of Narcissa. My dearest cousin always failed to hide her contempt towards Arella, and to see her newlywed husband fawning and flirting over my dear friend was too much for her jealous mind to take. If looks could kill then Lucius and Arella would not draw breath again. Lucius turned to me, and sensed my rising anger too, feeding on it, giving him some sadistic pleasure as he still held Arella’s hand in his own, stroking it seductively. I bit my lip in anger.



“Sirius, you must allow me to dance with your beautiful partner later on. We have so much to talk about, Arella.”


“Indeed we do, Lucius. I’m sure I can be prized away from Sirius at some point this evening, if that is what you desire.”


I moved to Arella’s side to protect her from the glint in his eye and the sinister leer creeping across his face, but she needed no assistance. She was reeling in Lucius and taking enormous pleasure at making Narcissa angry at the same time, especially when she lingered just a little longer and closer to Lucius in an unspoken seduction between them. I pulled her away before Narcissa made a scene.


Leading her into the large foreboding hall, I remembered so well lazy summers past when Regulus and I would open the large French doors and run in and out. We pretended to be great wizards, but only if our parents were away, which for much of the day they were. It was a rare chance of freedom from strict governesses and the constant knowledge that once our parents returned the military regime of our childhood would return with them. I looked at the dark oak panelling, carved with the Black crest and emblem, and the sadness of a lost youth overwhelmed me as I stared at my brother, still engrossed in conversation with Snape in the shadows of the room. We were both lost in our own unique ways; products of the years of pressure and expectation of parents obsessed by wealth and position and blood - pureblood traditions.


The bitter taste returned to my mouth as we found our way to the middle of the room. A hundred hungry eyes watched as the future Mr and Mrs Black (or at least so my Mother had told them) took their place for a slow dance. As Arella and I did our best to look the part, my mind wandered back to just a few years hence, when I had danced with her at Hogwarts to give her some support in her hour of need. She was lending me her hand now, as she held me tight to her body and whispered into my ear.



“How are you doing, darling?”



Still playing our game, I brushed back the hair from her face and traced a finger down her jaw line. I stared into those deep, dark eyes of hers and smiling just as a lover should, loving every minute of this intimate charade.



“I’m fine, my darling. I see we have quite an audience.”



She smiled and raised an eyebrow as she placed a hand to cup my face and hold me closer still.


“I always think actors should give the audience what they require, don’t you, Sirius?”



I smirked at her devilish glare and winked at her. She loved every single minute of the pure headiness of the deception and danger we were entangled in right there and then, and I saw now why she was an effective Auror. She was turned on by the risks, not frightened or hesitant. She lived for this sort of night. Just being with her, watching the adrenalin course through her veins and making those eyes sparkle with pure delight made me play my part with confidence too. I took her hint, and as the music finished, and the room broke into applause, I slid my hands around her face and kissed her like I had never kissed her before. Was it the moment that made that kiss so delicious, or the fact she responded to it with passion radiating from her body I had never felt within her? Arella and I had never shared a passion. We only dated as friends and nothing more, but this was a glimpse of something forbidden and exquisite. For a moment we forgot where we were and lost ourselves within the depth of the kiss.



There was another reason that kiss was so electric: he was there watching on the outside, looking in. With Mother now talking to Regulus, I could clearly see his face as I withdrew from our embrace and walked to the sidelines. It was riddled with disgust and loathing. My heart skipped as I realised that despite all he was, and all he had become he still adored Arella. After the years apart, Severus Snape still loved her and he confirmed my suspicions by leaving the room to take in the cool summer night outside and get away from the happy couple.



As we parted, Arella was taken by the arm by Lucius and I watched closely as she graciously danced with him, playing him and teasing him like I had seen her do with other men from time to time, but never me. I saw my Mother, Father and their companion, Aunt Venella in the distance, and they called to me and broke my concentration.



“Now Sirius, doesn’t she make a beautiful prospect for a young man like you? I’ll grant you she is not a patch on my daughters, but with a little persuasion and grooming she will be good for the family, I feel. The Auror thing is a nuisance but we can soon show her it would be better to lose all that nonsense. Yes, she is a good choice. You should take her soon, Sirius.”


“Take her?”


My father spoke to me for the first time that evening, a look of determination in his eyes that even now I still feared. He had planned my life before and I had run away from his disgusting ideas but now I was allowing him to do it all over again. His words chilled me to the bone.


“Marry her, dear boy, marry her! The Ravenclaws are an excellent pureblood family: perhaps a little questionable in their beliefs recently but she is young and impressionable. She can be controlled. Your mother and I could see to that.”


Loathing filled my very being as I heard how my parents had viewed Arella like some thoroughbred horse at a race meeting. She was a witch: a clever, intelligent witch who would never turn to their way of thinking despite what they all had planned for her in this unreal world of theirs. I decided to humour them nevertheless.


“I am living with her though, is that not good enough?”


My Mother rounded on me instantly. “No it is not, and for once in your life you will do the right and proper thing, and once you are married she will do as you ask. I still do not approve of this modern way of living but if you must cohabit then I suppose I shall have to swallow my pride on this occasion. But make sure you are engaged and married these next few months and then with child as soon as possible. It will make her more submissive and loyal, but she will still be of use to us.”



I blinked as I thought of this heady prospect. They knew so little of Arella. No marriage would ever make her so submissive, even the fantasy one they were suggesting, and to tie her to me in such a way would be a heinous crime. An image of an exquisite bird of prey caged and forlorn came to me and I shivered to think of the life they were suggesting for her, even though I knew it would never be. I was a fool to return here amongst such vile company.


That night I grew up out of adolescence and into adulthood as I saw the whole situation so clearly now. I had escaped this controlling madness in which I had the misfortune to be born and they were recommending I inflict their methods on someone I cared about more deeply than I had ever realised. Was this contempt for my family giving me the ideas of passion and love towards the woman who was still in Malfoy’s arms? Or in truth had they always been there, forming slowly under the surface? I looked at her, all in red and looking radiant and, as the music stopped, she bid Lucius farewell and left to go through the French doors and out of my view.


Once I found her, I would know the truth about our feelings, and things would never be the same between us again.

The End of the Innocence



The Manor’s garden was a terraced one, dropping in a steep gradient away from the house and it was as long as it was wide. On this cool, summers night it afforded a generous clear view, stretching for miles around. The first thing I noticed, as I walked along the gravel path and past the pair of sizeable gargoyles perched on magnificent high Grecian pillars, was the distant flicker of the Muggle street lamps from the towns below, shimmering wildly like fireflies. At first, I didn’t notice the dark silhouettes of the two shadowy figures walking along the second terrace, nearest the water garden. I moved slowly into the shadows as I strained to hear the conversation of the couple who were strangers to me at present; their faces masked by the fading light. The taller, more muscular figure turned to face the smaller, more feminine one. As I stepped behind the rhododendron bush to hide my face from view I knew who they were, and my heart seemed to stop beating for a fleeting moment.


Looking around to check no one had followed me I transformed into the dog so I could listen to the conversation without the need to get any closer. As soon as I had I knew I may live to regret it. The female voice was Arella, the tension in her voice was unmistakeable; and the other resonant, cold and abrupt voice was none other than Severus Snape. I listened to his every word intently, though it did not surprise me to find them both there.


“Will you not be missed back at the house?”


Arella hesitated. “I might, but I chose to walk out here in the gardens alone. It’s not as if I intended to meet you here. You flatter yourself if you believe I did.”


I watched as his face turned away, apparently transfixed by the trickling water of the fountain nearest to him. Tentatively, he held out his hand and placed it in the darting sprays of water, interrupting the never ending flow. “I never presumed such a thing.”


“Good. I wouldn’t want you to get the wrong idea, Severus.”


He turned back his attention to her face. “ I was under the impression you belonged to someone else now.”


Arella’s voice grew more stilted with her underlying anger. “Then you were mistaken. I belong to no one.”


“And does he know that?” he smirked.


The tension built up in the back of her throat. “He?”


He scoffed at my name. “Black. I was led to believe that you and he were on the path to marriage, or at least his brother seems to think so. I had also heard you are cohabiting.”


“We are, not that it is any of your business.”


Severus nodded in agreement. “Indeed it is not, but I find it strange you should both have a change of heart. He comes back here, apparently converted from his loyal Gryffindor ways, and you suddenly fall in love with him. It hardly sounds like the two people I knew from our days at Hogwarts. And now his Mother is crowing about a pureblood marriage and her forthcoming grandchildren to continue the Black family line. Am I to congratulate you? An engagement perhaps? Or has Black already sown his filthy seeds and the pitter-patter of tiny feet are to be the next thing?”



“No! I am expecting neither an engagement nor a child by Sirius or any other man. It is not an option at present, besides which we are not…” She stopped herself from going any further and he pulled his hand out of the water. Swiftly turning his body around to face hers, he tilted his head slightly as he attempted to read her thoughts.


“Not what?” He glared at her. and looked deeply into her eyes, but she would not reveal her secrets to him. “The Ministry have taught you well; your Occlumency skills have improved greatly, but I do not need Legilimency to tell me what you meant. You have never taken him to your bed, have you? Oh, what perfect irony I see before me now as the schoolboy Casanova cannot have what he wants. Well, well, he has lost his charms, hasn’t he?”



Arella stared back at him, but the intensity of his gaze was unbearable and she turned away to avoid his prying eyes. “This has absolutely nothing to do with you, Severus.”



He sneered as he took another step closer to her. As she sensed his all too familiar body near hers, it felt too close for comfort and she took a sharp intake of breath. Straightening her back to defy his aggressive behaviour, she spitted her words out bitterly.


“You are making assumptions with no basis of fact. This is all purely the fiction of your petty little mind and if you have nothing more to say that pure speculation I ask you kindly to leave me be.”


“I will not. I cannot.”


“Don’t be so ridiculous! What business is it of yours if I have slept with Sirius or not? I love him, and I intend to marry him, when he asks me, just as his family have been saying. I will take him to my bed on every feasible occasion and have as many children as I can damn well bear. The fact that he is a Black is a bonus I would say, but then, as you well know, we have always been a little …intimate.”


Severus turned his face away again, though his body remained tantalisingly close to hers, almost touching. I longed to go over and separate them, but I knew she was in total control and I must allow her to continue, however much it pained me. Pausing to look at the night time skyline and weigh up his heavy words, he gazed across at the horizon as he said quietly “Are you in love with him?”


“Yes.” she answered clearly, without hesitation, and my heart pounded so loudly I feared it would give me away. Snape turned back to her in a whirl of ebony robes and clutched at her shoulders, making her gasp out loud. It took every muscle and sinew in my body to restrain myself from harming him.


“And yet still I cannot believe you. Why, after all these years would you want to saddle yourself with a no-hoper like him? Do you have no respect for yourself anymore? He is not worthy of you, Arella!”


“How dare you? And who is worthy of me, Severus? You? You had your chance before and you threw it aside, it meant so much to you. The day you raised your wand in anger towards me was the day I realised I could do better and how right I was too. A Death Eater’s wife would never have been the life for me.”


Shaking her slightly, his anger welled up inside him, but he whispered his answer bitterly. “If Black had not performed that idiotic prank I would still be with you myself and happily married at that, with the life I deserved. Instead I find you in his arms and I became a servant to the Dark Lord. What kind of poetic justice is that?”


Swiftly, Arella pushed his hands off her shoulders and took a step back, now visibly growing more angry by the minute.


“How dare you damn well blame him for your mistakes? They were all your own doing, Severus Snape, and I doubt very much whether Sirius had any involvement in the path you chose. Your destiny was always to be with them, marrying me or not. I was not your saviour, Severus and I will never be so.”



He snatched her hand and placed it in his, anxious to connect with her again; touch her bare skin, feel her warmth in his cool, lonely, aching body and I knew exactly how he felt. She did not withdraw her hand and I slowly closed my eyes.


“You could still save me, Arella.”


Arella reached forward and placed her hand behind his head, tangling her fingers in his dark hair. He obeyed her suggestion as he bowed his head to meet hers and she drew herself in to meet his waiting lips, kissing her roughly and with fervour. I watched as their lips teased and nipped at each other and their tongues sought out one another’s mouths in a passion I could only dream of. That kiss stabbed at my aching heart, and it seemed to go on for an eternity. They pulled apart slightly and, as he looked into her dark brown eyes, he let her glimpse at his inner feelings, and she stepped closer still to whisper in his ear.


“You must go to Remus, Severus. You cannot leave and survive and if you have second thoughts, he can help you now. I have had doubts about who he is connected with but you cannot do this alone and …and I cannot help you now. Remus will listen and so will Dumbledore. He may be a misguided fool sometimes but he could still help you.”


He withdrew his hand in one fast move and sneered, his mood changing with the swirling breeze. His words were edged with a bitterness I recognised only too well.



“You will not help? Then you are truly lost, aren’t you? All this is a charade and you cannot keep up the pretence forever. You are no more a sympathiser than you are in love with Black, whatever you say, and they will soon see that and destroy you. When did you become so foolish, Arella? I would never leave the Dark Lords service to lower myself and consort with a half breed such as Lupin. But it worked to gain your sympathy and reveal your feelings in that kiss. At least now I know who to come to on the long dark winters nights that will soon be here. You may pretend to love him all you wish but do not pretend that when you lie with him and close your eyes that you will not think of me. When he takes you in his arms you will think of me and wish me there like we were before all this happened…before he happened.”


Standing tall and upright, Arella flung her arm back and landed a slap across Snape’s waiting cheek, sending him a step or two backwards as she did. Reddened and livid, Arella spat at him as he held his stinging cheek.


“You flatter yourself far too much, Snape. Sirius is a better man than you will ever be in every aspect of love and I will not think of you as I close my eyes. I will only ever think of him, and what exquisite, intoxicating pleasure I gain from him too. But I wish you the damnation that whatever whore you take to your bed next will remind you of what you once had and what you have now given to your enemy. And as she calls out your name in a moment of passion, if she ever does, for you are nothing like Sirius in that respect, then I hope she may rip out your heart and poison your soul as she does. It is far more than you deserve. May you burn in hell and if I never see you again it will be too soon.”


Arella turned heel and flew down the gravel drive, leaving Snape still clutching at his cheek and standing watching the best thing that ever happened to him leave him for good. At least I hoped she had. Quickly, I transformed and came out of the bushes just before she approached me, a face upon her as black as thunder and a wild look about her eyes I had never seen before. I startled her.


“Bloody hell, Sirius. What are you doing lurking about the place? Were you checking up on me?”


I looked down at the floor as if I were the scolded young child of my youth. I slowly followed the outline of her lithe body as I raised my head with a grin placed upon my lips, trying my hardest to take away the seeping poison he had implanted in her within his kiss. I wanted to steal back that connection we had found in the dance when she had held me close and I had believed she was all mine.


At first, as she looked into my eyes, she remained flustered and distraught, but the more I held her gaze and opened my thoughts to her, the more her chill lifted. A wicked glint in her eye told me she was a Legilimens, as I suspected. She stepped forwards, tracing a solitary finger slowly along the neat row of buttons, flicking then as her talon-like fingernails clicked against them. She worked her way further down to my waistband and stopping tantalisingly close to the sensitive skin just below the navel. She transferred her finger to my cheek, and stroked the skin along my jaw line slowly; the fine layer of stubble evident as she did so. Taking her hand to my hair and entwining her hands through the strands and layers of dark curtain she pressed her lips to mine gently and whispered seductively against them, “Did you see us, Sirius? Did you hear us?”


I nodded, not wanting to ruin the moment by speaking, but needing to with a passion, and letting my lips brush teasingly against hers, as I couldn’t suppress the smile within me any longer. “Yes I did, and I was very proud of you, my darling. I couldn‘t have done it better myself, though minus the kiss you understand. At least he now knows how you really feel about him. You were very passionate, so passionate… I wished I were him.”

She leaned in again towards my face holding her body close to mine and brushing her warm lips against the delicate skin of my ears. “Take me home, Sirius. I‘ve had enough of playing these party games. Let‘s go say our goodbyes and go home. Who knows what tonight will bring.”


An uncontrollable, throaty growl escaped my lips as she winked at me after the last suggestion and I grasped her around the waist, pulling her even closer to me. I pressed my lips roughly against hers, memorising how he had taken her in his arms and I found I was competing with his ardour. I wanted to show her that he was not the only man that desired her that night, and her hints of something even more delicious to come drove me so wild I knew I could not spend another minute among this wretched company. I wanted Arella more than any vague piece of information they may all be chatting about at that point in time - hell, I wanted her more than if Voldemort himself had appeared unarmed in front of me.


She returned my advances, and I felt her hands grasp at my hair, pulling my face as close to hers as possible, lost in the passion of the moment as we had been before. Holding a handful of my hair, she pulled my head away from hers and muttered with a false innocence in her eyes and voice “Time to leave, Sirius or we’ll never get home, will we?”


Breathing in the familiar aroma of her intoxicating, heady perfume, I stepped away to look at her and nodded slowly as I took her hand in mine. We headed indoors to say our goodbyes.

I didn’t notice the significance of Malfoy, Snape, my brother and the other men plotting and scheming in the corner that night, nor the excited whispers and sudden silences as we entered the room. Our mutual affection and want was bubbling away under the surface of our skins, begging for a moment of privacy and release. My mother, at least, was accommodating in her gracious and brief goodbyes, though her fawning and preening in front of Arella was irritating at best and nauseating at worst. We practically ran down the length of the gravel path we had hesitated on only hours beforehand and found the safe Apparating point back to the house and safety once more.


The lateness of the hour brought a chill to the air and as we held hands again before we were to Apparate, Arella shivered uncontrollably. I took off my robe and wrapped it around her shoulders to warm her, holding the edges of the material up to her chin and fastening it for her. My fingers brushed against the smoothness of her face as I did so, and I gasped a little at the touch of it against my sensitive skin. Gazing deeply into her eyes I whispered to her, “You first.” and she disappeared with a pop, with myself following closely behind.


I wasted no time in getting the door of the house open, and Arella threw off my robe nonchalantly, She walked over to the whisky decanter on the sideboard and poured herself a drink, asking me if I cared to join her, which I did. From the other side of the room I watched her pour the liquid into the crystal glasses, listening to the way her long nails tapped against the edges of the glass. Slowly I made my way over to behind where she was, just mesmerised by her in a way I had never been before. It was not the first time I had seen her pour us both a drink, nor was it the first time I had watched as the smooth liquid passed between her sensuous lips but her movements were so much more erotic and pleasing to me I could not take my gaze elsewhere.



Something had happened between us that evening at the Manor, and I needed to search her heart for the truth. Could we really have something more than we had always had before now? I had admired her from afar before but never felt about her the way my body desired it to be now. I did not want to lose what we had, but my instincts told me not to give up hope for the delightful promise of something so much more than I could ever have dreamed of. As I came up behind her, and promptly gulped down the whisky she had now handed to be, I took my hand up to the silky warm base of her elegant neck and slowly slid my trembling hand down towards her shoulders. I repeated the action down the other side with my other hand until both hands were placed upon her shoulders, pausing as I prayed for some kind of response.


Arella put down her whisky glass in front of her and turned as I loosened the grip on her shoulders, stepping further into my embrace and never relaxing the intensity of her stare. And there we stood, watching one another as of some imaginary line had formed between us and we were involved in a game of dare, teasing one another with furtive glances to see if the other would cross that line. Her eyes darkened further still, and her foot twitched as if willing the rest of her body to follow. But I could wait no longer as her mind weighed the pros and cons and I crossed that line with such fervour I felt my soul would catch fire. Forcing my hands roughly around her face to hold her head I pressed my lips to hers. I felt the tingle of passion and electricity springing from her lips as she wrapped her arms around me and pushed against my hips to show her feelings. Grasping for breath, I broke the kiss and cradled her reddened face, wiping away the remainders of her lipstick with my thumb while she kissed and teased my other fingers a moment after I did so. She was caressing them one by one in an exotic dance to entice me. But there was no need for this foreplay. I was hers already, prepared to surrender myself to her to do with me what she wished; and she knew.


As she flicked her tongue over the soft white skin of my fingers, and nipped playfully at my hand, she looked at me out of the corner of her eyes and smiled in the most wicked way I had ever seen any woman smile. Despite all the valid reasons not to, she knew we had gone beyond the imaginary lines of friends and I did not hesitate as I swept her up into my arms and laid her down on the sofa opposite the fireplace. She giggled as I kneeled up between her feet and looked down at her with a glint in my eye.


“Really Sirius, I’m surprised it’s taken you this long to lay me down on your sofa.”


I lowered myself against her stomach and she gasped as I kissed her lips and she arched her back as I found the zip to her scarlet dress, undoing it in one swift move like the expert I was.


“I was saving the best ‘til last, Rellie, that’s all.”


“I bet you say that to all the girls.”


I teased her lips in mine and slid my hands down across her hips. Carefully, I removed the layers that kept me from her and I kept watching her as she struggled to keep her composure under the pressure of my aching and wanting body. “I’ve waited for you a long time, Arella. Tell me you think it’s been worth it.“ Exposed and vulnerable, she looked more beautiful to me now than she had ever done before, and I ran my hands along her soft flesh, in steady, circling movements to drink in the moans that escaped her inviting lips. “Yes, Sirius. Yes, it will be worth it, I promise you that. Now you’re really not suitably dressed, are you?” Carried away by her now, I started to help her undress me in a hurried frenzy of buckles, buttons and materials, not noticing the noise coming from the empty fireplace as my bare flesh touched against hers; far too busy to realise we were not alone. James was standing in the room with us, just arrived via the Floo network.



“Oh shit! Sorry Sirius! I’ll turn my back. Lily did say I should send an owl or…something but this was too important to wait.” He did as he had suggested and turned his back to us, but then realised who my companion was and turned to face us again swiftly.



“Bloody hell! Arella? Is that you?”



Grabbing at the robe she chucked upon the sofa as we had come in from the party, Arella covered her modesty, and pushed me away to face our intruder. Had it been anyone apart from James Potter appearing in my house I would have murdered them for interrupting me at that delicate moment. But, as I turned to see the ashen face of my best friend, I knew whatever it was would not wait. I sat beside Arella, wrapping my arm around her to protect her from James’ shocked and dismayed stares. He paced the rug in front of us and muttered.



“ The Prewitt brothers were killed tonight, you two. Killed in cold blood by at least five Death Eaters, some of which Moody thinks were in your company earlier and one of which we know to be Dolohov. Do you have any idea what this means to the Order now? Any idea what this means for us?”



I shook my head at James’ infuriated face, knowing exactly what he was implying, and biting my tongue to suppress any immediate response. But Arella spoke before I had a chance to fight with my tangled and confused feelings.



“It means that if they can kill the Prewitts, then they can target any of us. It means that while we were thinking of only ourselves they were being murdered. It means that no one is safe anymore. And it means that you and I could possibly have prevented it. That‘s what you‘re thinking, isn’t it, James?”

Best Man, second best.




“Well, isn’t that what you were thinking, James?”


Arella’s tone was spiteful and bitter as she sat beside me, wrapped in my black robe to cover her exposed nakedness. The intimacy we had shared just moments ago lay shattered and broken, and we sat in the same space with an awkwardness between us which we both sensed. I fastened my trouser belt and reached for my shirt, thrown across the floor only minutes before as our mutual passion consumed us both in a torrent of emotion. It had now departed on the arrival of our reluctant messenger. As I picked up the crisp, white fabric, Arella glanced up at me and quickly turned her gaze away when I returned the stare. She was watching James again as she had been for the last few moments since her outburst, daring him to challenge her. I put the cool cotton against my skin and it taunted me acting, as a reminder of how close I had been to what my body and mind had desired for so long. On the lonely nights I had imagined her lying next door in the other bedroom, alone and in need of me, and me alone. Surely she had wanted me too just now? Surely we still had a chance?


And there we sat, in this enforced stalemate. James watched the two lonely figures from on high and then, when he could bear the heavy silence no more, he sat down in the wicker armchair nearest the fireplace, held his head in his hands. and muttered.


“No Arella. I did not mean that it had been your fault at all. But maybe if we had all seen what…maybe if we had known…oh I don’t know. I just didn’t think it would be them, that’s all. Of all of the Order, I just didn’t think it would be them. They were so effective at what they did when we had gone out on raids before that I thought that…”


“That they were invincible.” Arella nodded her head slowly in agreement and my eyes darted from one of my friends to the other. I realised how personal and destructive the war had suddenly become. Gideon and Fabian were the best of the best: they truly were as skilled and clever as James had said. If they couldn’t survive then what chance did the rest of us have? Was my intervention in my family’s involvement somehow connected to this, or was it sheer coincidence that I had seen Malfoy and Snape and Regulus all huddled up together and scheming away right under our very noses? Was that what they were planning? And who was next? Me, James, Arella? James lifted his head out of his hands and drew in a deep breath.


“ I should leave you two to it. I just thought you ought to know. Lily and I were worried about you…both.”

Arella stood up suddenly, wrapping the robe around her shoulders carefully, clutching at the front with her long, delicate fingers. “It’s fine, James. I’m going up to bed now anyway so please, stay and talk to Sirius if you wish. I will not get in your way any longer.”

Stunned, and perhaps embarrassed, I did not look at her as she swept past me, still wrapped with in the confines of my robe, its flowing material briefly touching my shoulder in a tantalising whisper of what could have been. I turned to watch her go, not knowing whether to follow, but James made no move to leave. And so I stayed in my seat, leaned backwards, and held my face skywards to watch for some sort of sign. Exasperated and exhausted, I let out a sigh and James looked across at me, pursing his lips as he said,

“I am really very sorry, Sirius. If I had known…”

I waved my hand to stop him going any further, deflecting his comments. “No, no, it’s fine, honestly.”


Rubbing at my furrowed brow, I held my hand over my mouth as if to stop the words tumbling out, because what I yearned to say was far too painful for a night like this. I wanted to scream at him for trampling on my hopes, and dancing on my dreams. For ruining a feeling within me I had never experienced before, and longed to live again. But I knew I had little hope of that tonight. Chewing at my inner lip, I thought of my words carefully as to not cause offence. “It hasn’t been going on long, you know. Just tonight, James.”


Awkwardly, he looked directly at me for the first time since he had arrived. “It’s none of my business who you see, my friend. Just be careful, that’s all I ask of you. Don’t get in too deep.”


Sitting upright, I frowned at his troubled expression, trying to read his thoughts, but I was no Legilimens. “What is that meant to mean?”


Fist clenched, James ran his knuckles along the soft flesh of his lips, and thought about precisely what he was going to do. Eventually, as my temper began to fray at the edges, he spoke, rising to stand as he did. Sitting just where Arella had sat only moments ago, he made his way through her discarded clothing as he moved closer. He sat on the edge of his seat, and I turned towards him to hear his thoughts.


“Look, I know you think I’m just anti-Arella all the time, and I grant you that’s she really isn’t my favourite person, but I just don’t want to see you getting in to something that you might regret.”

I shrugged. “You seemed to have put the dampers on that anyway!”

“I know. But you like her, right?” The words pained him as he spoke. “And she obviously likes you, at the moment, or else…well…” He pointed to the clothes on the floor.

“Do you want to just spit this out and go home, James, or do I have to tear it out of you?”

Biting his lip before answering, James looked straight into my eyes. “Lily had a vision about Arella.”

I sat back in the soft, supporting arms of the sofa and grinned: Lily’s visions. Possibly one of the funniest things about my dearest friend I could remember. I had lost count of how many times she had told me I would live a cursed life because of my Animagi transformation, and how many times she had seen me with ogres ready to suck out my soul. The idea that James seemed to be suggesting that I now live my life through one of her visions was vastly amusing to me. Chuckling as I spoke, I answered him in jest.

“Oh, so what has Arella done this time? Has she run off with Peter, or become the England Quidditch captain, or laid her life down for Voldemort? Will she splice my heart in two in my sleep tonight?”


“Lily saw her in a vision… and she was getting married.”


Again I paused, frowning at my best friend with a look of incredulity. “Are you saying it was me she was marrying, and you’re just telling me not to, or what? This really is irrelevant to what you saw earlier, James. I may sleep with Arella, but marriage is way…way off . I‘ll save that claptrap for you two.”

James once again shook his head and stared at the shoes on his feet.

“No, it wasn’t you, Sirius. Lily woke up trembling when she saw her, at least that’s what she told me. You know her and I…..look I wouldn’t tell you, but Arella was marrying…Snape: Severus Snape. She knows it was him because she saw the face, and the Mark.”

“The Dark Mark?”


James nodded, and I barely heard his reply. “Yes.”


I stood up, and like James had done before me earlier, I paced the floor to take in this news. Arella had told him where to go when she spoke to him, and yet, in the back of my mind, I knew she didn’t mean it. I had seen her kiss him with such a passion that I had tried to recreate it when she was in my arms. Had she done as he had said, and thought only of him as she went to take me to her bed? This could not be true, for I had seen her look at me with a wanton desire that no woman could fake however hard they tried. “No. She told him to sod off tonight, James. Tell Lily thank you, but her vision is wrong. There is no way that Arella would stoop so low and take him back as a husband. A Death Eater’s wife is not her profession of choice. She even said those words tonight, or something like them. Lily, yet again, is mistaken.”


James chewed at his lip and looked at me with a frown upon his face. “They’ve been getting clearer, Sirius. She knew the Prewitts would die.”

I turned around and glared at him. “Then why were they left to fend for themselves?”

James’ anger rose inside him, and the outward signs were there for me to see. I had dared to slight Lily and his angry tones and raised voice told me I had overstepped the mark.

“Because she’s not always able to help in that respect. Merlin, Sirius, we did everything we could, but it still wasn’t enough. I’m telling you now because I care about you. We both do, and I don’t want you to get hurt if it turns out to be true. Enough people have been hurt already in this war.”

I reached across to him to pat his hand, and he stood, tears in his eyes from the pressure of the nights events, fearful of what was happening to us. We hugged each other in a brotherly embrace, and broke apart swiftly.

“I know you’re only trying to help, but I can’t just give her up on a whim, James. Would you with Lily? Of course not. I’m not saying this is the one for me but I have to just see how things go, and if they don’t work out then fine. But I have to try. Didn’t tonight just prove we have to grab happiness while we can?”

James lowered his head in shame and nodded slowly, closing his eyes as he spoke.

“I just thought you needed to know, that’s all. Please be careful, Sirius.”

I playfully punched him on the arm, and he grinned at me like the old days, when everything was so much less complicated than life was for us now. “You’re turning into a right miserable git in your old age, James Potter. Is that what married life does to a man?”

“Err, well I’m not married just yet, am I?”

“Nah, but she’s got you well trained, my friend! You’ll be running to her beck and call once she has that ring on your finger. Bye bye freedom.”

James chuckled and shook his head. “ I’m still me, whether I’m married or not! Which reminds me, though Merlin knows why I should be asking you!”

“Asking me what?”

He took in a sharp breath of air and asked me “Will you be my best man?”

Best man? The words rung out in my ears, and my heart glowed with pride. Despite our disagreements and differences he still wanted me beside him on the most important day of his life. James was more like a brother to me: no, he was better than the brother I had, and I grinned from ear to ear when I heard him utter those words. Nothing could have made me more proud.

“James, I’d be honoured to. Tell Lily you’re in safe hands.”

He raised his eyebrows and stepped back on mock amazement. “Safe hands? I doubt it. Talking of Lily, I must get back to Headquarters. Say goodnight to Arella for me. And remember what I said.”

“I will, but she’s wrong this time, James. Arella is fine.”


I was left alone as James flooed back, and looked at the scene that surrounded me. Clothes strewn across the floor served to remind me of my darling Arella, upstairs and alone. I scooped them up in my arms, turned off the lights and made my way up the stairs to find her. In my heart I lived with the hope that she was waiting for me, and that my desire for her would be satisfied that same night, but in the reality of my head I knew that would not happen now. I laid the clothes upon my bed, and looked across the landing at the solitary light emanating from underneath the door of her bedroom, left ajar to tempt my hungry eyes. As I stepped forwards to survey the scene, I looked at her bed and saw she was curled up just as a child would be, still wrapped in my robe, with tearstained cheeks, and a vulnerability I had never seen in her before. Her choked sobs tore at my heartstrings, and I tapped my knuckles against the cool wood of the door to arouse her. She wiped her eyes, and bid me to enter.


“Rellie, darling. It’s ok. Please don‘t cry.”

She sat up a little, and I sat down beside her as she moved over to rest her weary head against my chest. Slowly we moved back, and I leant against her headboard, pulling her closer to me, wrapping the blankets around us for warmth and comfort. I dare not look at her exposed body underneath the covers as I lay there, for want of encouraging the desire coursing through my veins, teasing and tempting me to taste her as she lay so still beside me. My head kept its cool while my body reacted to the feeling of yearning that consumed me as it had earlier on that same night. As her hands leant against my torso she knew of my private ambitions.

“Sirius, I’m sorry, but I can’t do what you want tonight. Not now, with all that has happened.”

I pulled her tighter into my arms and shushed her worries away, kissing the top of her head as I did so. “It’s of no matter to me, darling. Would you like me to leave you to sleep? Do I make you feel uncomfortable?”

“No, stay here with me tonight Sirius, please. I want to lay with you like this. But you can get a little more comfortable, if you want. If you‘re staying here, that is.”

I looked down at her and she smiled, tugging at my belt, and hinting at what she had meant. I grinned back, and slowly undid my attire, stripping down to my underwear, more aware of her nakedness now as my bare skin touched against her softness. The old feeling of want regained momentum within me once more, but beyond the sexual level, this felt so right and natural. Just lying, holding one another tight, skin to skin and feeling her warm breath against my chest. I realised for the first time in my life that this was the only time I had shared this level of closeness with a woman without any physical act of love. My respect and intimacy with Arella went beyond that of any other relationship I had had. As my desire subsided, she looked up at me and kissed me gently on the lips and whispered against them, ‘Thank you’.


“Thank you for what?”

“Just thank you for being you, Sirius. For holding me, comforting me when I needed you. I know tonight must have been hard on you too.”

I sighed aloud, and glanced down at her upturned face. “It was no more excruciating than I expected. My family has always been the most enormous pain in the arse.”

She leaned up on her forearms, resting them against my stomach. “Did you feel anything for them when you saw them tonight?”

“Not really. Just hatred and loathing. Regulus makes me a little sad, but my parents are just as they ever were, Rellie. They have never and will never change. I know that for a fact.”

She swallowed hard, and reached to touch my face, affectionately brushing my long hair away from my eyes. “He looks like you…Regulus that is.”

“Yes, he does. But he is not me. He was never strong enough to stand up to my parents, and he is in far too deep with Snape and the rest of them.”

She shuddered at the man I had mentioned. “I feel sorry for you, darling.”

I raised my eyebrows and touched her soft face, sweeping the back of my hand against her cheekbone. “Don’t go feeling sorry for me. If you need to feel sorry for anyone tonight, do it for the poor Prewitt family, not me.”

She winced a little. “Was it us, Sirius? Is James right?”

“No! And I told him as much when you left us. He had no right to say what he did, Rellie, but I put him straight, and he’s fine again now.”

She nodded, though as I looked into her deep eyes I knew she did not believe me. “It was a little awkward.”

I chuckled and snorted. “Well, it’s a first for him, believe it or not. Walking in on me with my trousers down. I’m not sure who was the more embarrassed.”

“Me, I think. I didn’t want James Potter looking at me naked, thank you!”

I squeezed her against my body and laughed. “I should think not! Your body is strictly for my eyes only from now on.”

She reached across and kissed me on the lips, putting a little more passion into it, and I cupped her head closer to hold our embrace as I let my tongue slip gently into her mouth, teasing her lips. Her temptations were becoming too much for my limited control, and I broke our embrace, and kissed her forehead, catching my breath. “Is that right then? Am I yours now?”

She buried her head down into the crook of my arm and reached under the covers to remove the last of the robe that covered her body, her warmth rubbing against me as she did so. “If you want me, my darling, I am yours, but not yet. Not tonight.” I slowly slid down into the covers with her, wrapping my arms around her body to hold her close, using every bit of control I had to stop myself from becoming too lost in her sweet scent and sensual presence. With her back to me, I drew my hands around her waist and nestled my face into the base of her neck, hearing her sigh as my breath tickled against the sensitive skin of her neck. I whispered “I want you more than you can possibly imagine.” She pulled her neck away slightly as her own desire welled inside her, but pressed her hips against mine and I drew my legs up towards hers in a cradling position. How I was tempted to try and entice her; how my body ached to be at one with hers, but she had made her wishes clear and I did not want to jeopardise us.

Us. The simple word sounded so good as it rolled around in the recesses of my mind. I wondered whether James felt like this on those nights that he held Lily in his arms. I knew he had not made love to her before their marriage in a few weeks, and I marvelled at his self control and respect for the woman he loved. Was I on the same path that he was treading right now? Could I really become so responsible that I could love only one woman for the rest of my life? If anyone could hold me to such a promise it must surely be the woman in my arms at the moment. But what of the vision that Lily had had? Snape had loved Arella for years before I had a chance to get this far, and I had seen in her tonight that, though she claimed it was not there. There was a spark of passion, a burning flame between them that they could not extinguish. Could she go back to him, even now she knew all that he was? I pulled her body closer to mine, and she whimpered slightly. I rested my chin upon the top of her head and bent down slightly to smell the fresh aroma of her hair, nuzzling as I did so.


She must surely now be mine. And yet, as I slept with her in this bed, I could not help but feel an overwhelming feeling of resentment and jealousy. Severus Snape had taken time and time again that precious gift of love that I had so nearly claimed tonight, and wanted more than anything in the world now. I wanted Arella to make love to me, and me alone, but as we slept I could only be concerned that in her dreams she made love to him. And only him.

Dealt a poor hand.





The next few weeks were some of the happiest of my life. Arella and I lived as a couple, contained within our four walls and blissfully happy. My passion for her grew with every waking minute of every new day, and when, finally, she allowed me to take her in my arms as only a true lover could, I was lost in her completely.


She had been strong in her insistence that we were to delay the physical side of our relationship, but we still lay beside one another in the nights that we spent before we reached that level. It was the intimacy that I had craved for so long. We would lay in each others arms and stare at the shadows dancing on the ceiling, bare flesh against bare flesh. Her warmth relaxed me, and yet excited me, and my heart pulsed as her breath touched upon my skin. We would talk for hours, about nothing in particular, often going to bed early just to spend the time in each other’s arms, for it meant so much to us. She taught me to touch, to laugh, to listen, before the pleasures of the flesh, and she was truly a good and skilful tutor.


In her arms, I understood how James felt with Lily, and the twinges of jealousy I felt of their relationship subsided. I knew that they deserved each other, and that now I had experienced a love so pure I would do anything for them. Arella had done the one thing that I had never been able to achieve. She made me see the world from the perspective of a man, not a boy. Whether it was her, or the times we now lived in I wasn’t sure, but those few weeks with her plunged me into adulthood for the very first time. So, when, on that Tuesday night, as we lay there in each other’s arms, she kissed me, and whispered in my ear that she wanted me, needed me as a lover, I was hers completely, without objection.



While our relationship progressed beyond any I had ever known, the Order and the Ministry suffered many losses at the hands of Lord Voldemort and his followers. The death of the Prewitts was followed in close succession by Dorcas Meadows, and, to everyone’s complete shock, Marlene McKinnon and her entire family. This especially upset Arella and James, as they were the Aurors who had to search the house after the atrocity had taken place. Life as an Auror was never the same again for both of them.


I continued my charade as the dutiful son, and found out a few vital pieces of information from my Father along the way. This often involved negotiating and discussing things with the worst of the criminal fraternity, though my adrenalin pumped through me like a drug as I acted my way through the lies and deceit I faced time and time again. But none of it could prevent yet more attacks, and, as Frank and Alice Longbottom had their first near-miss, accompanied by my dear Arella, we realised that more had to be done.

Moony was the first to be sent on a special endeavour for Dumbledore. His lack of gainful employment, and lack of funds, made him all the more singular and willing to leave our group, and, once the Ministry approved his travel, he was bound for pastures new. Where, however, was to be kept between him, and Dumbledore, for all our sakes. Abroad was most likely: Remus always did have vital skills in foreign languages, and diplomacy in abundance from years of negotiating lesser punishments for James and I. This coincided with the approaching nuptials of my best friend and his bride to be, and so arrangements were made for a joint party, to celebrate and commiserate our shifts in fortune. A stag night come leaving do for my two dearest friends, both of which I feared I was about to lose forever.


The party was set for a fortnight before the future Mr and Mrs Potter’s special day, and Arella helped me prepare for the event all the week prior to it. She had arranged a surprise hen night for Lily and her friends, though they were limited on where they could hold such a gathering, with a small handful of vital Aurors and Ministry personnel invited. Her parents allowed them their house for the night, and the girls set up surveillance in teams to keep watch. Even then, they could not be careful enough.


Arella had agreed to shop for the big event two days before it got underway, but, as she came home that Thursday evening, she looked hot and flustered, and I knew something was wrong.


“Rellie? What is it?”

She hid her reddened face from view, and sniffed a little. “Nothing at all. I was just thinking about Marlene and her family, that’s all. The war, Sirius. It makes things so difficult for us…for us all.”

I stepped towards her and wrapped my arms around her body, holding her tight to me. It was unusual, and uncomfortable to see her cry, and yet there was a vulnerability about her I adored. She was the same wild-eyed and daring Arella, and yet this new side to her was all the more endearing now I knew her so intimately. It was like I had stripped off the layers to her soul and here she was, exposed and needy. I lifted her chin with my hand and kissed her lips.


“I know it’s hard, darling, but we still have each other, and all our friends. We still have us.”

She rested her head wearily upon my shoulder and muttered into my shirt as she spoke, her mascara leaving a black stain upon the cotton. “How long for though, Sirius? How long for?”

“Come on. This isn’t like you! Is there something else? Did something happen at work?”

She shook her head in denial. “No. Not at all. I just find it hard sometimes, that’s all. I’m sorry. I’m useless, aren’t I? I forgot to get the shopping as well. I’ll go back out now and get the bits for you.”

She pulled away and moved towards the door, but I grasped at her hand and pulled her back into my arms.

“Not without a kiss goodbye.” I smiled, and kissed her tenderly on the lips, lingering a little longer than I needed to.

“I hate goodbyes, Sirius. I would hate to say goodbye to you.”

“You’re only going to get the party food, you silly moo. Merlin, you are hormonal today!”

She swiped me playfully on the arm, and laughed. “I’ll give you hormonal, Sirius Black! At least I have an excuse. What’s yours, you temperamental old sod?”

“I am not temperamental! I am the epitomy of stability and reason! I have grown out of my difficult phase,” said I in jest.

She crumpled with laughter, though tears still streamed down her cheeks. Brushing the hair away from my face with one hand, she began to reach for the door handle with the other, and, once she’d opened it, she turned back and sighed. “I love you, Sirius. Don’t change, will you? Don’t grow too old or grumpy. Be you, and only you. Whatever the war brings, still be the cheeky, happy go lucky Sirius I adore.”

I bent down and kissed the very tip of her nose.

“Of course, my darling. Even if I were to die tomorrow, I‘d still come back to cause you grief. I love you, you silly old tart. And if I can amuse you in the process, then all is good.”

“Don’t talk so.”

“What? About dying? Arella, I’m far too cantankerous to die. When I go, I want to be shot down in a blaze of glory, surrounded by amazed onlookers. Or be really old, having done everything I want to in my life, and broken as many laws as possible, and just die in my sleep. It’s a long way off. I intend to enjoy life while I can, and as much as I can. I think the recent events have taught us that.”


Arella nodded slowly, and whispered to me, “You’ll live forever, you will. I can see it now.”

“Yes I will. I’ll be immortal like a Greek god. They’ll name things after me. I know I’m destined for fame….or maybe infamy! And if you don’t hurry up and get that shopping I’ll come back to haunt you when I do go. Now be off with you. I have some serious planning to do. I wonder where I can get some of those Muggle handcuffs for Prongs.”


******************************

The night of the party arrived, and as usual Arella insisted on helping me with the preparations. She was sad at seeing Moony leave, as they had often been very close, and the war had been hard on their relationship. She often said she felt she didn’t know him anymore. That he was always working for Dumbledore on things he could never talk about, and I think a small part of her resented his choice of work, though she would never admit it. I hardly saw him that often myself now, and the secrecy around his endeavours made it so difficult for us all to talk openly about the war that the conversations were sometimes a little stilted between us. Remus, perhaps, was breaking away from the group a little now. He was always the grown up amongst us.

James, however, was a different matter. Since being with Arella, I understood him completely, and our friendship had grown with our maturity…at least sometimes we were mature. Other times, a lot of the time, we still managed to laugh and play about as if we were still at school. Lily despaired of us, and Arella had nothing to do with us when we were together, but we were still very close. Even when I told him how I felt about Arella, he was still supportive, though I knew he disapproved.

And tonight we were all together, possibly for the last time in a long time. Even Peter had torn himself away from his girlfriend and come to the party. He was another constant in the group. Still the same old unsure and weak Peter that he ever was, but he tried, and at least he laughed with us, and not at us. I’d invited Frank Longbottom along for the party too, and another Ministry friend of James’ called Kingsley Shacklebolt, who I didn’t know too well. Sat around the dining table, the drinks flowed, and so did the conversation.

“So Frank. How’s married life treating you these days? Alice got you house trained yet?”

“Yeah, yeah. Very funny, James. You wait ‘til Lily gets her claws into you. It all changes when you’re married.”

“Nah. Not my Lily. She’d never change me. She loves me just the way I am.”

I coughed into my fire whisky. “Err, since when? Lily has been trying to kick you into shape since you started going out.”

“Yeah, and he sure needed some adjustment,” grinned Moony.

“Oi! What’s that meant to mean? Tell them, Frank. Married life will be bliss. Just me and Lily and…”

“Nagging, moaning, never doing anything right…” muttered Frank in a sarcastic tone.

“Bloody hell, Frank. You married your Mother!”

The raucous laughter was interrupted by a call from the bottom of the stairs. “Well, I see the party is in full swing.” Arella stepped into the room, and all eyes turned to her. “Hello boys. Been let out then Frank?”

She grinned in the wicked way that she often did, and James and Peter sat open-mouthed as the others sat silently looking at her outfit. She was wearing biker’s leathers that clung to her every curve, slightly unzipped, and leaving little to the imagination. How I suddenly wished we were alone.

“Bloody hell. He’s gone soft in the head,” exclaimed Frank.

“Who has?” I asked.

“You!” replied James, still open-mouthed, and slurring his words a little. “Are you taking the bike to Lily’s party, Arella?”

She nodded and laughed. “Yes I am. Is it a crime, James?”

“No…but…well…it’s the bike! It’s THE bike!!! It’s Sirius’ pride and joy.”

I stood up to walk towards Arella, unable to resist kissing her, as she looked so attractive. I put my arms around her waist and looked down at the men sat at the table. My message was clear. She was all mine.

“It was my pride and joy, but as Rellie is so good with it, I decided to let her use it too.”

“Wow!” muttered Kingsley. “That’s real love for you. A woman never comes between a man and his machine unless he really loves her.”


I didn’t answer, and Arella pulled away from my embrace, but not before she had kissed me again. She walked over to where Frank was sitting and started peering into his hair. Frank turned sharply, laughing as she ran her fingers through it playfully.

“What the bloody hell are you up to?”

“Just looking for the bald spot where Alice’s thumb sits.”

“I am NOT under the thumb!”

Arella completely ignored his outburst, and talked to the other guests. “He is. I work with them all the time, and he does as he’s told. He’s only here tonight because he got his permission slip signed.”


As the table erupted into laughter, Frank smacked his hand across her backside, and she kissed him on the cheek. Arella, Frank and Alice had been through enough hard times recently to warrant such closeness, and I knew she adored both of them. She turned to the other man she was close to, and I saw the tears well up in her eyes. “Remus.”

He stood up and embraced her, holding her so very tight in a warm hug even I had to swallow the lump in my throat. They stepped back a little and held each other’s hands. Remus kissed the top of her forehead, and grinned. “No tears, Rellie. You’ll spoil your make-up. I’ll be back to see you again soon enough.”

“I hate goodbyes.”

“I know you do. But this is au revoir, not goodbye. We’ll see each other again.”

Sensing her anguish, I walked over towards them, and smiled, placing a hand on each of their shoulders. “Come on you two. This is meant to be a happy occasion. And you, young lady, have a party of your own to go to.”

“Yes. Yes I do. Ok, well have a good time boys. Take care of yourself, Remus.”

“You too, Rellie.”

Frank shouted after her, “Don’t pick up any strange men, Rellie.”

“No worries there. All the strange men I know are in here!”

Slightly panicked by Frank’s words, I ran to see her out of the door. I cupped her face in my hands and kissed her passionately on the lips, expressing without words how I felt about her. I didn’t want to lose her to anyone now. I bent down to her and whispered seductively in her ear. “You look divine in those leathers. Are you sure you have to leave right now?”

She grinned, and wrapped her arms around my neck, pulling my face so my nose touched hers. “Hmm, tempting though it is, I really should be going. But perhaps later, if you’re very good.”

“I’m always good!”

“So you say.” She stuck out her tongue and I grasped her, pinning her into a kiss from which she could not escape, putting every effort into teasing her back into the room and ignoring my guests. “I must go, Sirius.”

“Yes, yes,” I sighed “Away you must. Take care of yourself.”

“You mean take care of the bike.”

“That as well, yes.” I smirked, and she returned the gesture, shaking her head.

“It won’t be the bike that’ll be the death of me, Sirius Black. It’ll be you.”

I reached across and pulled away a length of her dark hair that had fallen across her face. She gazed straight into my eyes, and then smiled at me and touched my face with her hand. I took the hand in mine, and brought it up to my lips, kissing her soft, pale skin gently.

“Go, or I’ll be sweeping you off your feet, and up to my bed, regardless of the party.”


Screwing up her face in mock disappointment, she finally left us, and I returned to the table. Peter had found some playing cards, and now the others had started a game of poker, with matchsticks instead of money. I sat back down in my seat, and waited for my turn, looking at the eyes staring back at me. Kingsley chuckled.

“I’m not sure we should be playing with Mr Luck himself here,” he said, nodding in my direction.

“How am I Mr Luck?”

“Arella. You’re a lucky man in my book to have someone like that in your bed. How did you manage that one?”

I leaned back in my chair, tipping it backwards, and raising my hands around the back of my head. “Just my natural charm, I guess, Kingsley. That, and other things.”

Remus spat out his beer and, as he had already had a couple with James, he chuckled away at my answer. “Rellie would never have fallen for all your old waffle, Sirius. She’s known you far too long. She probably knows all your chat up lines off by heart. I think you must have her under the Imperius Curse.”

James snorted, slurring his words a little as the effects of several whisky chasers worked finally. “That, or she’s got HIM under the Curse. I still can’t believe…you know…the thing…the bike and all. The real Padfoot would NEVER have done that. Nope. HE wouldn’t have, would he, Moony?”

Remus shook his head in agreement. “No he wouldn’t. And you are drunk, James Potter. I shall tell Lily all about you. She ought to know the kind of man she‘s about to marry.”

I shook so hard from laughter my cards fell from my hands. Not only was James on his way to being very drunk, but even sober Moony was acting a little tipsy too. Peter looked astonished to see the pair of them all glassy-eyed and giggly, but Kingsley was joining in, and Frank just shook his head. He was on duty in the morning, and had to stay sober.

By the fifth round of poker, when I was winning from Frank, and just ahead of Peter, James was singing ‘I’m getting married in the morning’ at the top of his voice, and Remus was explaining to Kingsley about how to ask for the toilet in Russian, while Kingsley repeated it all to him back, hopelessly inaccurate, and Peter just listened. Frank gestured that he was going outside for some fresh air, and I followed. What he had meant by fresh air, I soon found out. Leaning on the stable door of our kitchen, while looking up into the night sky, Frank Longbottom was smoking like a chimney. As I approached, he looked a little sheepish, and breathed a sigh of relief when he realised it was only me.

“Sorry. Can’t smoke at home these days. Alice won’t allow it. We’re thinking of starting a family soon, so she’s making me stop. I was desperate for a smoke tonight. Want one?”

I took the cigarette in my hand and he lit it for me, both of us smoking and puffing the smoke out into the clear night. I watched the stars through the mist of grey smoke, and was mesmerised by their beauty. I wondered if the dog star shone down on me tonight. Frank turned to me, and frowned as he spoke in a serious tone. “Can I ask you something, Sirius?”

“Of course,” I shrugged.

“Do you really love Arella? No messing about now. I want the truth.”

I sucked in my breath, and rubbed at my chin with my thumb and forefingers, taken aback by such a direct question from a man I barely knew. I shrugged my shoulders again, unsure how to answer. I decided to heed his advice and be as honest as I could.


“I think I do. It’s nothing like any other relationship I’ve had, that’s for sure. But who knows. Why do you ask?”

“Because the Ministry want her to do something I don’t approve of, and …and if you love her, you won’t want her to either.”

I knew this day would come. Knew the perfect tranquillity of our relationship would be shattered and broken into a thousand tiny pieces. I didn’t want to know her fate, and yet I was compelled to ask. I looked directly at the concerned man, and stubbed out the cigarette under my feet, driving it into the ground with fear and frustration. “What is it they want her to do?”

“Look I wouldn’t tell you, but I’m so worried for her…”

“Tell me Frank. I need to know. I have a right to know.”

“Thursday afternoon Arella was called into the office to see Fudge. Well, we didn’t think anything of it really. We often have to keep them up to date on what’s going on, and so we, Alice and I, never batted an eyelid. And Arella was joking before she went in, but when she came out…I’ve never seen her so upset.”

He paused, watching my reaction. “Go on, Frank.”

“Alice and I said we had a suspect under surveillance and we took Arella with us, but we didn’t. We took her home to our place to see what was going on. That’s when she told us about Dolores Umbridge. Have you heard of her?”

“No, can’t say I have.”

“Lucky you. She’s an absolute bitch, Sirius. Totally ruthless and opinionated, and so far up Fudges backside she can see the sunshine. I tell you, what I wouldn’t give to throttle that woman. She’s so scheming and manipulative, she’ll go far, that one.”

“What’s this got to do with Rellie?”


“She told Rellie she knew about her old relationship with Snape. She also said she disapproved of her living here with you, as you were back in with your family, and she was an Auror. She said Rellie had never mentioned either of these things, and so she was being chucked out of the Aurors.”

Thursday? Yes, she had been down on Thursday. It all made sense. I wanted to rip this Dolores character to shreds. How dare she be so cruel?

“And she got chucked out for that? It‘s ridiculous. I mean Snape wasn‘t a Death Eater when Rellie dated him! Probably damn close, but never actually a Death Eater.”

“No, she wasn’t sacked. That’s not the worst of it. Umbridge gave her a get out clause. Umbridge and Fudge said they would ignore her ‘misdemeanours’ if she agreed to spy for them. Within the Death Eaters circle.”

My heart started to race violently, and my head tried to make sense of what was happening. Spying? Would that meant she could no longer live here? And what about getting in to the circle? Suddenly it dawned on me how this could happen and my heart sunk deep into the pit of my stomach. I gagged as I felt the tears well up inside my eyes, and I shook with anger and sorrow. I didn’t need Frank to explain the rest. I knew what they would ask of her. But he continued just to make his point clear.

“She has been told to make contact with one of the circle and become intimate with them. To use them as a spy will, get as much information as she can, by whatever means, and only then can she remain as an Auror. In a nutshell, Sirius, she’s been told to sell herself. To use her body to get what they want. To seduce Severus Snape. And if she does, and they find out, the Death Eaters that is, they’ll kill her. If she doesn‘t, then her life as an Auror is finished.”

I hung my head down and gazed at the unwelcoming floor, avoiding Franks intense gaze as I muttered, “ Has she agreed? Will she do it?”

Frank paused, and then the words I had dreaded since I heard this terrible news pierced my soul and ripped out my heart. I closed my eyes for fear of exposing my anguish, and wished upon the stars above that it were good news. But what I heard was not what I wanted to hear. What I heard echo out in the still night air was ‘Yes’.

Promise Me




I turned down the lights and pushed the chairs in towards the table, making them neat and tidy, unlike the muddled chaos within my mind. Three hours ago we had all sat around this very table, drinking and laughing as friends should. Now there was silence and a sickening, empty sensation in the pit of my stomach. Working in a hypnotic daze, I gathered the glasses and food from the table and piled it all onto the kitchen worktop. Coming to my own glass, I reached over to the whisky decanter and poured myself a double, raising the glass skywards. I stared at the contents, swirling the brown liquid, which glistened in the light, and looked to it for some divine intervention; some answer hidden away in the bottom of a whisky glass. But it never came. I knocked back the whisky in a single, exaggerated gulp, enjoying the brief, warm sensation as it hit the back of my dry throat. I was numb.


Clutching my tormented head with one hand, I stepped and turned towards the fireplace, waving my wand to increase the flames to warm my shivering body. My frustration was overwhelming as I thought of Arella, and I threw the glass into the fire, watching as it hit the stone surround and shattered into a thousand diamond-like pieces, glittering across the smouldering hearth. Now it was broken, like my heart. I watched as the flames licked the glass, mesmerised by the merry dance. The armchair next to the fire seemed to call out to me, and I sat down with a thud, losing myself in its soft fabric, attempting to relax my weary body. Leaning forwards, holding my head in my hands, a single tear escaped from my welling eyes. My forehead throbbed at the intensity of the pressure of my repressed feelings. The rest of that evening I had had to smile sweetly and join in my best friends celebration of life long happiness while inside I knew my own happiness was so cruelly snatched away.

I looked towards the flames again and watched them, but they reminded me of her. Everything reminded me of her. Was my mind so cruel to play these tricks? The warmth reminded me of holding her in my arms, her head rested against my chest; the rug in front of me was one she had chosen; the sofa beside me was where I had first tasted the pleasures of her flesh and felt her bare skin against mine. I closed my eyes to the memories but I could hold on to my feelings no longer. I wept openly, sobs taking over my breathing in uncontrollable gasps. In my state of weakness, I could hear two clear voices arguing in the depths of my tormented mind, trying to make sense of my emotions. One was the soothing, calming, diplomatic tones of my dear friend Remus. The other the sharp, agitated tones of James, my best friend. The voices called out to me, vying for my attention.


“She still cares for you Sirius, you must remember. She has to do her duty. Ask her how she feels. You owe her that.”

“You owe her nothing, my friend, except your anger. She has played you for a fool. She has a choice here, and she has not chosen you.”

“You do not know that for sure, Sirius. Perhaps she has no choice.”

“Pah! She has a choice! She has chosen Snape, as we all knew she would.”

“How did we know? She has never proclaimed herself to be in love with him.”

“Not recently, no. But think back to all those years she was with him. How she chose him then and she will do the same now. She made her choice years ago. And you know that Sirius. Look into your heart and see the truth.”


“Look and see that she cares for you both, Sirius. She cares for you both.”


“She has used you, my friend. She has bided her time and waited until a better offer came along. She has fulfilled the beginning of Lily’s vision. Remember that, Sirius?”



Lily. The mention of her name pulled me back to reality with a jolt. What a fool was I to believe it could be so? Lily was right. She had warned me as much and I had laughed. Well, I did not laugh now, and I wished, oh how I wished I had listened. Snape had always been there, from the moments our lips had touched, to the kiss as she had left tonight. He was always at the back of her mind, and he always would be. However much I tried to deny myself the truth, he would always be between us. And I hated him. I hated him for being in her mind at all; I hated him for being her first. Hated him for being the one she thought of as I made love to her, for surely she did. I had seen how she had kissed him back at the Manor, and, however hard I had tried, she never kissed me in the same way. I thought back to every kiss, every touch. Had she ever declared her love for me? Had she ever told me she loved me, and meant it?


The bitterness inside was shocked into silence by the sounds of her return. Sinking lower into the chair as I heard her footsteps, I sat silent and still as her boots tapped against the wooden floor like imaginary nails piercing my heart. I shut my eyes to this torture. I had my back to her as I sat there in silence, but I sensed her as she crept up behind me and, as she went to place her hands over my eyes in a game of surprise, it was I who shocked her. Grabbing both her wrists tight, she squealed in shock, and pain.


“Ouch! Sirius! You scared the life out of me then.”

Not turning, not daring to see her face, I let go quickly and muttered in a cold tone of voice, “Sneaking around behind my back, Arella?”

“No! Oh Sirius! What have you boys been doing? There’s glass all over the place here.”


I watched her as she began to pick up the shards of glass gingerly, but I couldn’t bear to watch her carry on the charade of normality that she insisted on still playing in front of my eyes.


“Leave it.”

“It won’t take a minute. I’ll use a charm to clean up if you like.”

Standing, my patience at breaking point, I shouted at her for the first time in my life.

“I said leave it, Arella!”


She stopped in her tracks, and looked into my darkened eyes, full of fury and disbelief. She was angry at me for shouting and I knew she would retaliate, but I wanted her to. I wanted her to know my fury.

“How dare you yell at me, Sirius Black? Bloody well go and sober up before you go to bed.”

“I prefer to drink tonight, Arella. I had rather disturbing bad news.”

She frowned and stepped towards me, her eyes softening, full of concern.

“What is it? What happened? Is it Remus? James? Is he alright?”

I nodded, and turned away from her, walking around a little as I prepared my speech . “They are both well. I had an interesting chat tonight with the one of the others.”

She shrugged, but looked a little apprehensive. “Oh?”

“Yes. Quite interesting it was too. Especially when I spoke to Frank.”


I looked directly into her eyes, but she was an expert in this. She did not flinch, and part of me admired her bravado and skill. Part of me thought she would make an excellent spy. Yes, his spy. His own personal spy. “What did he have to say for himself?”


I glared at her through the lengths of hair that had ventured onto my face. “Can you not guess our topic of conversation? Can you not guess who we talked about?” My anger was boiling inside of me, and I raised my voice to her again as she still refused to acknowledge what she must surely know. “You, Arella! We talked about you…and him.” I stepped in a little closer to her and watched as her face began to belie her thoughts. I stepped in again so she could feel my breath upon her skin. “Oh yes, Arella. Frank told me everything. About your little chat with Fudge. About how you cried your heart out to him and Alice. About how it’s your duty now to prostitute yourself for the good of the Ministry. How very noble of you. Will that be all of the Death Eaters? Will my brother be next? Perhaps we should compare notes. Or is it just for him? All for Severus? Then what the hell was I? What kind of a fool was I to believe you really cared for me?”

She closed her eyes and blinked back the tears that had formed as I had given my speech. Not daring to look at my face, she inhaled and exhaled deeply, her bottom lip trembling as she spoke. “Please do not think that I do not care for you. Because I do. But…..”


I raised my voice again. “But what? I’m not good enough? I’m not part of the plan? I’m not him? Is that it? Did you want to join them for real? Is that it? Bored with being on the good side, Arella? Want to be with the bad boys now?”

She turned in a wave of fury and spat her words at me. “How dare you? My god, Sirius! Do you have any idea how much you sound like him at the moment? You bloody arrogant fool!”

“Oh yes, aren’t I the fool? And if I sound like him perhaps we should be off to bed right away so you can make love to me, and I will whisper words of love in your ears so I sound like him too. Is that what you want? I mean, perhaps that was the attraction all along. I never saw it myself, but maybe I remind you of him. Merlin! I never thought there would be a time I would ever stoop so low as to want to be Snape. What would you like me to do? Perform an Unforgiveable on you? Would that make you stay with me? Well, would it? Because right now I just can’t see why the bloody hell you’d leave me for him. So tell me! What is it ? Just why would you do this to me?”


She fought back the tears and wiped away the ones that had fallen with the back of her hand. Clearing her throat a little, she began to answer me. “Because he needs me, and you don’t. Because if I go to him, I may be able to stop him becoming the man he detests and fears. Because I may just be able to persuade him to help us and win this damn war If I can just get one decent piece of information then it surely has to be worth it. He needs me, Sirius.”


I filtered through what she had said and responded in anger. “That’s two different answers! Do you do this for duty or love? And as for saying I don’t need you, you lie! You still dare to lie to me! I do need you. More than I ever realised. For Merlin’s sake, Arella, I’ve fallen in love with you!”


She shook her head violently, sobs coming from her lips as she spoke. She raised a hand up to my face and slowly caressed my cheeks with her hand.

“No! You think you do, but you don’t . We are too alike, Sirius. It would end in tears, whichever way we took it. I do this for duty. I do this for the cause. But, yes, I also do this for love. I cannot deny it, Sirius. I have tried so hard to deny I love him. I have tried to forget about him, and pretend he doesn’t exist, but I can’t. I can’t go on pretending any more.”


I pushed away her hand and turned away from her glare, biting my lip to prevent the welling sobs in my chest from reaching my mouth. She had said it. Finally, she had admitted to what I had always known.

She loved him, and not me.


“Were we just a stop gap? Was I just someone that was there at the right time for you?”

She came up behind me and grasped my shoulders as she turned me around to face her, and she shook me, staring into my eyes all the time she had a hold of me.


“No! You must listen to me and believe me when I say that I do love you Sirius. I really do and I wish with all my heart that things could be different. I adore you. I always have. You have always been there for me when I needed you and these last few weeks have been some of the happiest of my entire life.”


I cupped her face, pushing away the wisps of hair falling to her cheeks.


“Then stay with me. I have money now. We could run away and never come back. We could go tonight, you and me on the bike to who knows where. Somewhere warm and tropical where we could stay out at night and make love outdoors underneath the starlight. We could get married. You could marry me!”


“Don’t be silly, Sirius!”


“We could! I’m not sure about the kids thing, but we could marry and ….”


“Live happily ever after? It doesn’t work like that, Sirius. Not for us.”


“Why not? I t could, I tell you! Where’s your sense of adventure, Rellie? Come with me and love me, not him. I’ll do anything. I beg of you, please!”


“No, Sirius. We can’t just leave everyone behind and start again. What of James and Lily? They need you! What of Frank and Alice? Dumbledore, Remus? There is too much at stake for us all.”


“But you will leave with him! Tell me, how do you plan to meet with him? What will you say? ‘Hello Severus, remember me? How about we discuss Voldemort while you take me to your bed?’ That easy is it?”


“No!” She took her eyes away from my intense gaze and as she spoke in hushed tones my hopes shattered. “He has already told me he wants to see me again. At his place.”


“Already….? You have seen him already? Of course you have. I forgot what a hard worker you are, my dear! Well, congratulations. A mere couple of days and already he has been hooked and reeled in. I must say you are skilled at this. Were you ever going to tell me? Leave me a note perhaps?” My bitterness was now so hard to control, I bit my lip, drawing blood, swallowing the salty liquid as I fought back the sobs that threatened to escape my lips. Arella frowned at my pained expression and her look was one of pity.


“I have thought of nothing else since Thursday, Sirius. Do you think I’m enjoying this? Do you think I wanted to do this? To break your heart? Or mine?”


Finally the resentment made me lose my control and my vitriolic answer was sharp on my tongue and blunt in the air.


“Do not flatter yourself that you break my heart, darling. Many have tried but none have succeeded. I’ll just add another notch to the bedpost when you leave.”


She rubbed her temple, screwing up her eyes as if in pain. “Piss off, Sirius. Why don’t you run back to James and crawl into bed with him. I’m sure he’ll be delighted. This is what he’s wanted all along.”


“Yes. I shall visit James tomorrow and inform him that they were right about you. Him and Lily!”


I took sadistic pleasure in her expression as her face began to crumple at the sound and shock of Lily’s name.


“Lily? What does she say about me? I thought she was my friend.”


I had no emotion left in me for dramatics. The tone of my voice was cold and uncaring, but inside I wanted to plead with her still. “She reads you like a book. She said you would go back to him, and be a Death Eater’s wife like the whore you are. She will be proved right.”


She stared at me for a moment, as the silence surrounded us, and we stood as we had only weeks ago, full of emotion and trepidation. Except it was not for love, but for sorrow and false hatred. I tried to hate her, but I couldn’t. She hesitated for a while, tears streaming down her reddened cheeks. We said nothing, and saw nothing for there was nothing else to say. I watched as, eventually, she silently walked away from me and turned to make her way to the stairs, knowing the next time I saw her it would be as she left me. As she left my line of vision, I sat back down in the chair, as I feared I would collapse without support. The flames still tormented me, but the anger had left me and sorrow had taken its place. I had known we were never meant to be, but just for a few enthralling weeks I was able to pretend with her. It was like the old days, when we used to tease one another, only it had been grown up and sensual. We had played our games and now playtime was over. She was never mine to keep, though I was always hers to love.

But then why did my heart feel so empty? Why did it feel like the end of the world was at my doorstep? Had it really been just a game to us both? I was not convinced. How could I feel the way I felt and not be in love with her? I must have loved her. I knew I did. The clock on top of the mantlepiece ticked away as I sat numbed and silent. I was waiting for the inevitable and, an hour later, the inevitable came. I couldn’t turn around. I couldn’t bear to see her standing before me with a suitcase and a false smile but she made me. I stood up and walked towards the figure before me whose every word I lived for, and every laugh I loved. I searched her face for some hope, but there was none to be found, and I knew I had lost her forever. My lips began to tremble in unison with hers, and she held out her arms to bring me to her. I could not resist. And there we stood, holding one another in each other’s arms in a warm, loving embrace, though this time it meant goodbye. I breathed in the scent of jasmine in her hair, and then formed the memory of the feel of it against my face. I placed my hand upon the back of her neck to hold her in place, never wanting her to go, never wanting to lose her. Speaking into her hair, I muttered, “Where will you go?”

“Back home, at first.”

“Of course. And then?”

“Don’t ask what you don’t want to hear, Sirius.”

“To him?”

“Yes, eventually. If all goes to plan.”

“I don’t want to lose you.”

“I know.”




But lose her I must, and she began to raise her head, pressing her forehead against mine, her eyes closed. Bringing my hands around to her face, I held her still and looked at her now, scanning every inch of her. She smiled a weak glimmer of a smile and I returned the gesture, though it pained me to do so. I felt the warmth of her breath and prayed she would not leave me, that she would change her mind. But one look into her eyes made me realise I was fighting a losing battle. She was not mine to keep. She cupped my face, and for one last time I kissed her longingly, wishing and hoping, and dreaming of our past. She broke away, and looked at me with pitying eyes.



“I love you, Sirius.”

“I love you too.”

“I wish I had learned to love you years ago.”

“I wish you had never met him. I wish a thousand curses upon his soul. He does not deserve you.”


She placed a solitary finger up to hush my lips and I did as she bid. Looking towards my hairline, she brushed away the strands of hair that blocked her view of my eyes, and kissed my nose. “And I do not deserve you.”


She stepped away from me and, though I held on to her hand as long as I possibly could, she finally broke away from my grasp, and lifted the suitcase from the floor. The final walk to the door was one of the most painful in our lives, and all the time I searched her for something that wasn’t there. She turned the door handle and I winced at the sound. This was final. This was goodbye. I could not let her go without saying goodbye.


“Arella. Promise me one thing.”


“Yes.”

“Promise me that if he ever hurts you, if at any time it all becomes too much, that you’ll come back to me. I will always be here for you, if you need me.”

“Oh Sirius. Of course I will. I promise you I will.”

She ran back to my arms and held me tight, her tears running against my skin as she wept. But I held her back, and smiled at her. I could not bear this pain any longer. I opened the door further, and felt the cold chill of the breeze against my warm face. It brought the reality back to me. She had to leave.

“Go. I hope you find what it is you are looking for.”


*********************************




I don’t know if she ever found it, but she never came back to me, until the night I was brought here, to Azkaban. I didn’t hear if they married, for we lived through secretive and restless times, but I know for sure she did not join Voldemort. She was too good for that. There are so many unanswered questions running around in my head. So many untold answers and no way of knowing the truth. I am languishing here, alone in my confinement in hell with no one for company but the voices in my head.

For they are all I have now. A memory of a lost youth. A distant echo of a past which should, or could have been, if not for them. If not for Pettigrew, James and Lily would still be alive, and I would not be here. If not for Snape, Arella and I could still have been, and lived happily in each other’s company. If not for Voldemort, things could have been so very different for me. For all of us.

So I sit, and I wait, hoping and praying that she is free to help me, like she had said she would. Free from the chains of that detestable man, free to roam wherever her heart takes her, unlike me. I would give anything to be able to be free. I can only dream of how it would be if I could be set free from the powers that keep me here, and their cold empty hearts, if they have a heart at all. I would find her, and search for him, Pettigrew, to bring back some justice to this unfair world of mine. For he is not worthy of freedom. He should be incarcerated for all eternity in hell. He should be here, in my place. In my hell. I will not rest until he is.

And she will come for me. I have to believe that she will. I have to believe that her endeavours will bring about the justice I warrant, that I truly deserve. It is my only hope of sanity as I remain among the poor, insane creatures that surround me. I hear their screams: I can never escape the screams. Or the voices in my head. Justice, and revenge. Revenge and justice. I will not be at peace until I avenge their deaths. I must act, but I am helpless. She must do the work for me, out there somewhere in the world. For she said she would, and despite all that happened, I trust her. I believe in her. I love her, even now. She is my hope, my future, my world, my everything.

She is my Arella. And she promised me.