Disclaimer: Not J.K. Rowling, not my character, but it is my plot. Ah! Song "I Don't Know How to Love Him" credit to the musical Jesus Christ, Superstar by Andrew Lloyd Webber. And others. Er...




~*~



I don't know how to love him,
What to do, how to move him.
I've been changed, yes, really changed.
In these past few days when I've seen myself
I seem like someone else…


Lily Evans gazed into the mirror and sighed to see that she didn't know the person inside.

Once she had an identity: Lily Evans, prefect, top student, and above all, hater of James Potter.

But, to her horror, that last trait had faded away into dark nothingness and left her with an empty gap that wanted to be filled with a far warmer emotion. And sad as it was, she was now left with…nothing. She didn't know who she was. Hating James Potter had been her life. So what was her life without hating him?

It was a nasty circle. For if she subtracted hate, what emotion was she left with?

It would seem like she could just ignore him and not feel anything for him. Lily was more than willing to do that. But her heart had different ideas, obviously, from the suspicious way it thudded whenever she saw him.

Did she…love him? And how had it changed? When? Where? Why?

Lily bent her head and sighed, tucking a lock of bright red hair behind her ears. She could answer all of those questions.

The first one was a resounding 'yes,' deep down inside. What was that old adage? Oh, yes — "Hate is only love that's missed its mark." And at any given moment, the hate could give way to love. Her mother had told her that a long time ago, right before she'd died.

As for the change, that had been on the Hogwarts Express, only a week ago.

She had been walking back to her compartment from the lavatories and hadn't been paying attention to where she was walking. This was why she crashed into someone.

She'd looked up. "Oh. Potter. It's you."

James had chewed his bottom lip nervously, staring down at her behind his spectacles like a deer in headlights. "Er…Lily…just to let you know…I'm not going to ask you out this year. Er. Just – just so you know."

Lily had blinked. "Well, that's a pleasant surprise."

As she'd started to walk off, feeling oddly flushed and bewildered, and suddenly aware of how tall and strong James was, a hand touched her arm.

"Look, Lily," James had said desperately, "I know you don't like me at all. But, well, we're both the Heads. Maybe we could…I dunno, be civil to each other? It's not going to be any use at all being at odds all the time. Could we, you know, pretend, or something?" He had gazed at her beseechingly, his hazel eyes earnest and warm.

Lily had paused and shifted slightly, looking him up and down. This was a side of him she'd never seen before, and was not altogether averse to. Away from his friends, James might even be decent. He certainly wasn't hard to look at either. Yes, James Potter had definitely grown up since last year.

Finally, she'd answered. "I suppose we could try that."

A true grin had broken over his face like sunshine. Its effect was just as warming. "Thanks, Lily." He'd reached forward, as if to caress her shoulder, then drew his hand back uncertainly and walked off, leaving Lily alone. Inexplicably, the shoulder he'd been about to touch had felt cold and unloved.

The Lily of the present sighed again. And this, then, she thought moodily, is the who, what, when, where, and why. Lily Evans; fell in love with James Potter; one week ago; in the corridor of the Hogwarts Express; because she suddenly woke up to the fact that he's really not as much of a git as she thought he was for six years. In fact, he's not a git at all. And in fact, he's really sweet away from his friends.

Let's do another one, shall we? Lily Evans; is a bloody idiot; yesterday, today, tomorrow, and all the time; wherever she goes; because she didn't realize this until it was too late.

She had no doubts by now that it was too late. Hadn't James frankly told her he wouldn't ask her out this year, finally giving way to her wishes? It was ironic, really: the one time James finally listened to her, she wished he wouldn't.

And she couldn't ask him, now. It would seem as if she was begging him, coming to him as a supplicant if she asked now, after he'd said he was done.

Besides, she thought bitterly at herself, why would he want you now? You've been cold, haughty, and thoroughly rude to him. You couldn't see past his bad points to his good. Sure, he hexed Snivellus all the time to amuse Sirius, but really, the boy deserved it in quite a few instances, and haven't I always wanted to do that too? James was trying to protect me. The 'Mudblood' incident in fifth year…

Lily cringed to remember it. She'd come to Snape's aid, and was called a Mudblood for her efforts. When James tried to defend her, she'd cut him off coldly, yelling at him to hide her hurt. It had seemed a lot easier like that, at the time.

But now…

Lily didn't know what to do now.

"Lily?"

She turned and faced her friend Anika. "Oh, wotcher, Ani," she said listlessly.

The Indian girl raised her eyebrows. "What's wrong?" she asked warily.

Lily shrugged just as spiritlessly as she'd spoken. "Nothing, really, just tired out, I suppose."

"You've been staring into a mirror for fifteen minutes," Ani said pointedly. "Oh, please say you're not turning into Narcissistic Narcissa Black, I couldn't bear it."

Lily laughed weakly. "No, I'm not. I was just…reflecting on who I used to be, you could say."

"Deep, very deep," Ani shot back mockingly, her dark eyes playful. "Come on, now, it's time to go to dinner."

Lily followed Ani out of the room regretfully, knowing she'd have to face James and the others at dinner.

It was indeed a vicious circle.


I don't know how to take this:
I don't see why he moves me.
He's a man, he's just a man.
And I've had so many men before
In very many ways: he's just one more…


Lily contemplated her past boyfriends that night.

She could use that word in the plural, because it was true. She'd had one every year, starting in third year. It wasn't that she was a flirt, or even of doubtful reputation. It was just that she was hopelessly romantic and searching for an ideal that could not be met. She knew that. But she was willing to try.

Even though she'd liked them very much while they were going together, she'd never found anything particularly special about them. She hadn't fancied them beforehand; they'd asked her to Hogsmeade, she'd said yes, found she could tolerate them quite well, and continued pursuing her dream of true love, which never came true. Then they'd gone their separate ways. She'd never really regretted it.

And then came James, who had stirred in her an unusual hatred, and was now stirring in her an equally unusual love. He was just another boy. She shouldn't be affected like this.

But she was.

Lily ground her teeth and buried her face in her hands. She didn't know how much more of this stress she could stand.

"Are you all right, Lily?"

There's this, too, she mused distantly. He used to call me Evans before. That made it so much easier for me to hate him. I can't – I can't – hate someone who calls me 'Lily' in that voice. He has a really lovely voice. It's nice and deep and very soothing…I can only imagine what it would be like if he murmured into my ear…oh, it gives me shivers just thinking about it…

"Er…Lily?"

Lily blushed as she met James's eyes. He'd caught her in the middle of a daydream about him! Even if he didn't know it, it was enough that she did. And why, oh, why was she having daydreams? She'd never done this before!

"Sorry, what?" she said softly. "I-I wasn't paying attention."

"I know," he replied gently, amusement lurking in his deep hazel eyes. Lily felt herself falling…falling…"I asked if you were all right."

She pulled herself out of his eyes before she could lose herself in them completely. "Oh, I'm fine. Just dazed from school."

Just a bit crazy, actually, nothing to worry about, she said wildly in her head.

"Already?" James was surprised. "I didn't think the workload was so bad, myself."

Lily shrugged awkwardly. "Maybe it's just last-year fever." She stared at her plate and fiddled with her fork, suddenly not hungry anymore.

"I can understand that," James commiserated thoughtfully. "I've already spent this past week thinking about what I have and haven't done at Hogwarts. What I've won, what I've lost, what I've never had in the first place but wanted the whole time…"

Lily glanced up at him, startled. Did he…?

Finding his gaze too intense to bear, she wavered and dropped her eyes.

James made a sudden movement. "Lily — "

"Oy, James! Sit your arse down over here, you rascal!" Sirius Black called a couple seats down. "We've got some plannin' to do, remember?"

James sighed regretfully. "Lily, I'll see you tonight on hallway patrol, right?"

She nodded, still too overcome to speak, and watched stealthily as he hurried off, admiring the way his shirt and jumper stretched over his strong chest, how his thick black hair was still ruffled in the back…

It took her a moment to realize that she too was being watched, by Remus Lupin and Ani. She turned red again. Both of them were extremely observant. Remus especially was excellent at figuring out what she was feeling.

She smiled at him with fake brightness. With a shake of his head, he busied himself with eating, sadness stealing over his thin, pale features.

"All right, Ms. Evans," Ani's voice in her ear said, "you eat your food right now. We have to talk."

Cowed by her friend, Lily complied under the hawk-like eyes of Ani. When she finished, Ani grabbed her hand and dragged her back to the Gryffindor girls' dormitory. "Something going on between you and James Potter. I know it. You can't look at him. What did he do to? Did he…hurt you? Because if he did, I'll – I'll make him pay!" Ani mimed kneeing someone in a tender spot.

"Oh, Ani, it's not that at all. It's just…I hated James. What's the opposite of that?"

Ani's eyes were serious. "Opposite of hating James? You loving James."

Then her eyes widened. "Oh."


Should I bring him down?
Should I scream and shout?
Should I speak of love, let my feelings out?
I never thought I'd come to this —
What's it all about?


"WHAT?!"

Lily flinched away from her friend's outraged squawk. "Sorry," she muttered.

Ani stared at her, then softened. "No, don't be sorry. It's not your fault. It's not even a bad thing. I just never expected you to back away from your convictions like that. It's not – not Lily-ish."

"I know," Lily grouched pathetically. "It's not like me. That's what scares me. What do I do? Ugh, this makes me want to scream, or rip someone's head off, or something."

Ani backed away hurriedly. "Don't look at me, I haven't done anything."

Lily bit her fingernails, a bad habit of hers. "D'you think I should tell him?"

Ani gave her a long look. "I don't know. Do you?"

"I want to!" Lily wailed suddenly. "I really do! He used to like me, and I don't know how much has changed, but Ani, I'm scared! This isn't the way it's supposed to go! I'm supposed to float into his arms, not feel like I'm about to be sick!"

"Not everything's a storybook, honey."

"It should be," Lily snapped.

"But it isn't," Ani persisted stubbornly. "You have to face that."

Lily's temper ebbed, leaving her slumped over in defeat. "All right, all right. I'm facing it. But that doesn't mean I know what to do."

"That's your problem, Lily. You're like Remus: you don't feel, you think. You overanalyze and try to solve your problems right away instead of waiting it out. Who knows? The answer may present itself later."

"But what if it doesn't?"

"Then you're no worse off for waiting a few more days. Relax, Lily."

"I can't relax. You know me. And besides, right about now I'm supposed to be meeting person in question to patrol the halls." Lily blew out her breath, causing a few stray strands of hair to flutter about. "I'll see you later."

Lily plodded into the common room, tossed a brief greeting to Remus, Sirius, and Peter, and left the common room. James was waiting for her right outside.

He smiled at her hopefully. "Usual splitting point?"

The corridors branched apart a bit farther on down the one they were currently standing in. Lily took the left, and James the right.

"Mmm," she agreed, chewing her thumbnail.

James blinked, perplexed at her quiet. The expression was adorable on him. This, of course, only bothered her more.

They trotted off, keeping an eye out for miscreants and ducking into classrooms along the way. It was apparently a night for love: they caught one couple snogging in an empty classroom, another behind the statue of Wendelin the Weird.

Everyone but me.

They had just reached the fork in the halls when a suspicious clanging noise sounded in the classroom to their right.

"Oh, Godric, not another one," James moaned.

Lily sighed, not in the mood for this. "Come on, let's just get them," she said without preamble, jogging into the dark room. James followed her.

No one was in there, as far as she could tell. "That's odd," she murmured to herself, frowning. "I definitely heard — "

"HA HA-HA, HA-HA-HAAA!"

They both knew the maniacal laughter all too well.

The grinning shape of Peeves the Poltergeist zoomed above them, making rude noises in between cackles. He threw something slimy at James, and, with another bout of giggles, bounced out of the room, slamming the door behind them. The lock snicked shut with a very definitive click.

It would figure, would it. It would just figure.


Don't you think it's rather funny
I should be in this position?
I'm the one who's always been
So calm, so cool, no lover's fool
Running every show
He scares me so…


For several moments, they just stood there, trying to process exactly what had happened.

Then: "Lumos," James whispered.

Lily spun and found him standing right in front of her. Again, she was stricken by how tall he was as she craned her neck to see his face. This wasn't saying much, since Lily was on the short side, but still…

"Well," James said stupidly, "it would appear that we are locked inside a classroom on a stormy night with no hope of rescue. How ironic."

Lily couldn't take anymore. She sat on a seat and laughed hysterically, tears mixing with her mirth. Just like a storybook! she thought crazily. I'll have to tell Ani she's wrong: this is a storybook, one of those damned bloody horrible ones that doesn't have a happy ending…

She was suddenly aware that she had ceased laughing but was still sobbing, the strain of that day's events suddenly catching up to her and overflowing from her eyes. She also noticed the warm presence beside her. But most of all, her dazed mind registered the soothing hand that alternately rubbed her back and her hair.

"Oh, Lily, it's all right, I'm sure we can get out somehow. I know Alohamora doesn't work on most school doors, true, but McGonagall always double-checks after us, she's bound to come here soon…please don't cry, I've, er, never seen you like this before."

His unfailing frankness startled a laugh out of her. "Neither have I." She sniffed, frantically searching her pockets for a handkerchief. "Oh, bloody hell, I always have one…"

James presented his to her nervously. Lily shook her head, still intent on the search. "Oh, I couldn't — "

"Lily, please — "

"No, really, it's all right — "

"Lily!" He took matters into his own hands and wiped away her tears for her, grinning triumphantly.

The intimacy of it killed her. "James, don't," she said rudely, pulling away.

His smile faded. "I'm sorry — I didn't — I couldn't — I…"

Lily was appalled at herself. How could she have let herself get mired in this sort of mess? She, always in control, always so assured, was now coming undone like a badly made rag-doll.

James ran a hand through his hair, edging away discreetly. "So."

"So." She could have cut the tension with a knife.

"Bit chilly, eh?" James said, standing and looking out the window at the sullen sky above them. "Nasty sort of night."

"That's for certain," Lily muttered, getting to her feet as well but not joining him.

A silence.

"Oh, James, I'm sorry," she said distractedly, wretchedly. "I didn't mean…"

"Look, it's all right, Lily," he cut in quietly. "I mean, I know how you feel…"

"No, you have no idea," she whispered inaudibly, her voice cracking.

Another pause. "What did you say? I didn't quite hear."

"It was nothing, James."

"No, I really want to know — "

"Honestly, James, it's not important — "

"It's important to me!"

This last statement was said fiercely, and suddenly James was in front of her again, gripping her wrists, gazing down into her face. "Lily, I need to know how you feel!" he pleaded, his voice pained.

Tears threatened to spill over again, but she held them in check. "Don't ask me that."


I never thought I'd come to this —
What's it all about?


"Why?" James demanded.

"Because, you self-centered egotist, I don't even know!" she shot back furiously.

"Oh, so I'm back to being an egotist, is it?" he asked angrily. "After all this time I've taken trying to show you I'm not one! I've stopped asking you out, I've stopped – messing up my hair, I've stopped jinxing old Snivelly, and it all comes to nothing! And I only did it because I love — "

"James, don't say it."


Yet, if he said he loved me
I'd be lost, I'd be frightened.
I couldn't cope, just couldn't cope.
I'd turn my head, I'd back away,
I wouldn't want to know – he scares me so…


Lily tore her mistreated wrists from his hold and backed away, eye wide with fear. Now that he was saying it, she didn't want to hear it. She loved him so much now – oh, how she was realizing this – the words would be just too much for her to handle.

James was obviously confused. "What?"

"Don't say it, James," she gasped, breathless and trembling. "Oh, I can't take it, this is just too much…"

He strode over to her quickly, taking her shoulders in a gentle grasp, a frown of bemusement on his handsome features. Lily stared into his eyes helplessly.

"Lily…d'you…love me?"

She couldn't answer.

However, he must have found some sort of reply in his eyes that he liked, because his face softened. "Oh, Godric. Why didn't you tell me? You know how long I've fancied you…"

"But…"

How could she put into words everything that she had been feeling for the past week? It was impossible.

James saw the turmoil on her face and placed his callused finger on her parted lips. "Shh," he hushed her softly, bending closer. "Don't say anything…"

Oh, Godric… Lily thought as he came closer.


I want him so…


The kiss was as soft and light on her lips as a butterfly's wing, as the sun stealing softly over her face. James was so near to her, smelling delightfully of the crisp breeze and autumn, his breath scented lightly with lemon.

He started to pull away, but she made a soft, protesting noise and brought him back for a longer, deeper kiss. They stayed this way for many minutes.

And then…sudden light flooded the room.

The two jumped apart and saw McGonagall silhouetted in the doorway against the torchlight. "And to think I should have to find you two doing exactly what you should be punishing students for," she said, dry humor in her voice. "Ten points from Gryffindor. Go back to the common room."

Trying not to laugh, the two slipped by her, hands entwined. They walked back to the common room in companionable silence. Lily felt far more peaceful than she had in days.

Once there, James turned her face up to his for another slow, gentle kiss. "Good night, Lily-flower," he whispered warmly. "I'll see you tomorrow."

As he started for his dormitory stairs, Lily found her courage. "Wait. James?"

He glanced back. "Yes, beautiful?"


I love him so…


"I love you."



FIN.