Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters. If I did, I would currently be lounging by the pool at my multi-million dollar mansion in Hawaii.

Mary Sue

As the sun set outside the castle on a cold and rainy November evening, Harry and Ron made their way through the many corridors and staircases of Hogwarts to the Great Hall for dinner. As they trudged down the stairs to the Entrance Hall, Ron said "I hope we're having pork chops tonight. I could really go for...". Ron stopped in mid-sentence as he noticed a crowd of excited-looking students milling about just outside the Great Hall. Pushing their way through the crowd, Harry and Ron looked into the Great Hall and were very surprised to see the Sorting Hat on its three-legged stool, placed in its familiar position just in front of the staff table.

"Why in the world do they have the sorting hat out in November?", asked a third-year Hufflepuff girl, a question that was met by uneasy murmuring from the rest of the crowd as they began to file into the Hall for dinner.

Harry and Ron sat down next to Hermione and Ginny at the Gryffindor table, eyeing the teachers seated at the staff table to see if they could ascertain what was happening. Dumbledore had a rather sour expression on his face, and seemed to be staring straight ahead, wanting to avoid eye contact with Harry or any other student, for that matter. Ten minutes later, as Ron polished off his third pork chop after a forced conversation about quidditch strategy, Hermione could stay silent no longer.

"Why in the world is the Sorting Hat out? I mean, there couldn't possibly be a new..." Hermione was interrupted by the sound of the doors opening, and the entire room craned their heads around to look at the new arrival. Standing in the doorway was an extremely attractive girl of about sixteen, carrying a large pink trunk in one hand and an owl cage in the other. Immediately, Harry noticed the rather distinctive pair of bright pink tennis shoes the girl was wearing under her robes, as well as the large American flag sticker placed on her trunk.

The girl strode confidently up the length of the hall between the tables, beaming and waving at everyone as she went. As she reached Dumbledore, he got up and shook her hand briefly, before motioning her to stand next to the Sorting Hat. Dumbledore then moved to the podium and began to speak.

"Good evening, everyone. As you have no doubt noticed by now, we have a new student starting at Hogwarts today. As part of the new Foreign Exchange program recently instituted by the International Confederation of Wizards, our own Mandy Brocklehurst has been invited to spend the rest of the year at Beartooth Wizarding School, located deep in the Rocky Mountains of the United States. As part of the exchange, I would like you all to welcome to Hogwarts our new xchange student."

Admist a very half-hearted round of applause, Ron whispered to Hermione, "who in the name of Merlin is Mandy Brocklehurst?"

Hermione shot back, "Don't you remember anything? She was sorted into Ravenclaw our first year. Of course, we've never seen her since then."

"I always assumed she died or something," added Harry as he continued to stare that the exceedingly beautiful and surely soon-to-be popular exchange student.

As what little applause there was began to die down, Dumbledore continued. "And now, why don't we let our new student introduce herself to all of you. Go ahead," said Dumbledore, gesturing to the new student to speak.

"Hi, everyone! My name is Mary Sue Johnson, and I'm from the United States! I haven't been to Great Britain before arriving this afternoon, and I'm just so excited to be here at Wogharts! Yay! I like kittens, puppies, the color pink, and especially hot guys! Yay! Anyway, I'm really nice and I'm looking forward to getting to know all of you better! I just know we'll all be the best of friends! Yay!" Mary Sue twirled her hair around her finger and looked back towards Dumbledore, apparently signaling that she was finished. Harry glanced quickly at Snape, who looked as though a rather large caterpillar had just crawled up his right nostril and an even larger caterpillar up his left. The other professors seemed to have similar expressions on their faces, although unlike Snape, they were at least making some attempt to hide them. Even Fang, whom Hagrid had brought into the castle with him for dinner, looked put off by the new arrival.

"Erm...well, thank you Mary Sue," said Dumbledore, "I'm sure the other students are anxious to...er...get to know you as well. Now, it is time for you to be sorted into your house. As you may have guessed, there are four houses here at Hogwarts; Slytherin, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, and..."

"GRYFFINDOR!" boomed the Sorting Hat. "Lets just bloody well get this over with and put her in Gryffindor, that's how it always works out with these exchange students, isn't it?"

"Yes, um, all right then," muttered a surprised Dumbledore. He composed himself somewhat, and continued, "Well Mary Sue, congratulations on becoming a Gryffindor. I'm sure you're hungry after your long journey, so why don't you go join the rest of your house and have something to eat."

Mary Sue smiled even more widely than before as she made her way to the Gryffindor table, and much to Harry's relief, sat down at the other end of the table, next to a group of fifth-years and an extremely nervous-looking Neville, who began shoveling mashed potatoes into his left ear as Mary Sue bombarded him with a seemingly never-ending stream of chattering. For the rest of the meal, most of the students could not stop talking about the sudden arrival of Mary Sue from America. Hermione, in particular, had some choice words of her own, mainly focusing on the question of who in their right mind would wear such gaudy bright pink tennis shoes under her robes.

*

The next morning, Harry and Ron stumbled down the stairs from the dormitories and into the Common Room, where Hermione was waiting for them. "Hurry up you two, or we'll be late for Care of Magical Creatures!" shouted Hermione.

"Good morning to you too, Hermione," said Harry sarcastically as the three climbed through the portrait hole and into the hallway beyond. "Where's what's her name, Mary Sue?"

"She said something about wanting to get to class early and left about ten minutes ago," responded Hermione. "And it's a good thing she did, because I don't think I could have tolerated any more of her endless talking. By the way Harry, I think she fancies you. She went on and on about how she wants to date the most popular boy in school, and wouldn't shut up about it until Lavender told her that it's you."

"Ugh...brilliant," muttered Harry, and they walked the rest of the way to Hagrid's cabin. As they reached the cabin near the edge of the Forbidden Forest, Ron noticed a spot of bright pink peeking out from behind the pumpkin patch.

"What's that?" asked Ron, as everyone made their way to the pumpkin patch to see what was happening. Hermione arrived first, and could not stifle a huge gasp at what she saw. Lying on the ground behind a large pumpkin was Fang, looking very bloated and with a rather distinctive pair of pink tennis shoes on the ground next to him.

"Aren't those...Mary Sue's shoes?" asked Hermione, a look of horror appearing on her face. "Fang, you didn't..."

Fang looked up at the students, opened his mouth to reveal two rows of blood-stained teeth, and to everyone's surprise, said "Bloody annoying, that one. She came over to pet me, started going on and on and on about how cute I was, and I just couldn't take it anymore."

"Fang...you can...you can talk?" asked a shocked Parvati and Lavender in unison.

"Of course, and apparently I can also eat a human being in only six bites. But don't you dare tell anyone about this, if that git Lucius Malfoy finds out that Hagrid put an illegal Speech Charm on me when I was a puppy, he'll have Hagrid fired and gone from Hogwarts so fast you won't even have time to say goodbye."

At that moment, Hagrid came striding out of the forest, a wide grin stretching his massive face. "Hello everyone! Today we're goin' ter be studyin' a mos' interesting...Now, wha' happened here?" Hagrid surveyed the scene before him, and comprehension slowly dawned on his face as he realized what had happened. "O' dear," Hagrid continued, "tha's not good. Although, I mus' say, I didn't much care fer' her either."