DISCLAIMER - JK Rowling owns all of Harry Potter and its characters. I'm so glad she does!

Trust me when I say that the rest of the chapters are 100000000% more hilarious than this one. I wrote this one in 10 minutes from a weird inspiration after I read "Confessions of Lord Voldemort" or something similar to that. (I know there's no connection) The rest of the story is really hilarious and it'll give you six-packs and stuff (I'm not really sure what that is). If you don't believe me, look at the reviews...well, except for the one that told me to get writing lessons and drink hot cocoa.
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Chapter 1 -- How Draco, Vincent and Gregory found out the bad news in a chapter with an extremely long title

On Sunday, September 1st, as Slytherin sixth-year Draco Malfoy walked up the wet, slippery steps leading up to the Great Hall, he suddenly felt butterflies in his stomach. That was very strange, since he had walked up these same steps for six years straight, and he had never felt so queasy before. Maybe it was the stupid Lemon Pledge scent that Senor Filch had sprayed on the steps; maybe it was the heavy streams of air that his cronies, Vince and Greg breathed onto his skinny neck; or maybe it was the sight of that pretty bushy-haired, large-teethed brunette making her way through the annoying crowd that HAD to separate them. (No, it's not Hermione Granger ... it's Millicent Bulstrode)

Anyway, Draco felt strangely stiff as he stepped into the Great Hall, which was filled with people and buzzing noises. He took a seat next to Pansy Parkinson at the Slytherin table; he had sat next to her since he found out in fourth year that he could play virtual connect-the-dots with the pimples on her face.

The Slytherins groaned as Albus Dumbledore, the headmaster, stepped up to make a speech. However, that wasn't one of Draco's worries anymore; he was having fun creating a duck with Pansy's pimples, and hardly heard Dumbledore's tedious words.

"We have a new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher this year, of course," Dumbledore suddenly said, causing Draco to look up quickly. Was it finally going to be Senor Snape? Please, don't let it be him, Draco thought desperately. Snape simply WASN'T fit for the DADA position; he imagined that all Snape would do during class would be to make them take excessive notes, write long essays, and poke fun at Potter's handicappedness (if that is even a word). Even though Draco was Potter's naturally enemy, he was really tired of making fun of him. It was always the same lame jokes ... Potter wearing a calico tutu ... Potter lapping from a toilet ... Potter going around bragging about his new girlfriend, some Muggle named Tom Cruise ...

"But our new teacher has not yet arrived," Dumbledore went on, and the students groaned softly. "However, we have added an exciting and educational event to this year's curriculum ... the foreign-exchange program."

"I think that's the one where we interview Lindsay Lohan," Vince mumbled in Draco's ear. Draco smirked. Lindsay Lohan? She wasn't twice as hot as Jennifer Garner. And she was no match for Tom Felton, who is just the most gorgeous person ever born. Draco blushed inside as he recalled that he had hidden a photo album of Dan Radcliffe, the rad bad hit actor, under his mattress to accompany the sneakoscope that flashed whenever Draco went inside his dorm.

"No, my dear Vincent, I believe it is a great honor bestowed only to those who are of fine heritage and intelligence," quipped Greg. The dunce had gone to Costa Rica in the summer and gotten an electronic brain installed in his empty shell of a head. Now he was as smart as a whip.

"The foreign exchange program consists of two partners in education switching several students to attend the other school for a semester or two," said Dumbledore. "Of course, we will only select the most trustworthy, handsome, intelligent, respectful, and hip students to participate in the program. That is why we have picked Messers Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle."

A/N: I wrote this chapter in 10 minutes so now I've edited it more carefully and spaced it. Trust me, the following chapters are 60,000% more insane, random and hilarious.
Wow, repetitive. REVIEW! And maybe I'll make Draco the new president. No, I'm just kidding. (You have to be born in the United States to be president).

Draco tries to get out of transferring with a chicken stunt

"I have not been more humiliated in my entire life!" Draco thundered as he, Vince and Greg walked down the dungeon steps to the Slytherin common room. "Well, other than that one time I auditioned for the school play and landed the French maid part. But I cannot believe this! It's an outrage!"

"Jeez, calm down, man," Vince said. "We'll conquer that new school in a heart beat. Show them what Hogwarts punks are made of."

"PotterIsAnUglyGit." Greg supplied the latest password, and they climbed into the common room.

"Hey, Draco!" Pansy Parkinson called from the back. "It's too bad you'll be gone. What school are you going to?"

"Callihorn High School," Draco said dully. "And guess what the best part is? It's a MUGGLE school."

"You're serious?" Pansy's mouth turned into the shape of a K. "How did they ever agree to trade foreign exchange students with Hogwarts?"

"I suppose old Dumb put them in a trance," Draco said bitterly.

"Well, that's too bad," Pansy said sympathetically. She took a few steps forward and extended her arms. "Want a hug?"

"Ewww!" Draco was out of the common room in a heartbeat. He didn't stop running until he was in his dorm room, and the hair he had so careful dipped in vinegar oil that morning and slicked now turned into a big puffy yellow afro on his head. Vince and Greg entered, their jaws dropping as they spotted his ridiculous hairdo.

"Well..." Greg said, trying not to look disturbed. "We should made our beds clean for the foreign exchange students that'll take our place."

"No!" Draco suddenly spoke. He jumped up from the bed, and a defiant look came into his eyes. "We can't just let old Dumb and the rest of the not-Snape teachers run our lives. We are going to go on strike."

"Yeah!" his cronies rumbled.

"We are going to make picket signs!"

"Yeah!"

"We are going to make protest speeches!"

"Yeah yeah!"

"We are going to make cupcakes to raise money for our strike!"

"Not yeah." Vince pouted. "My mum stopped trying to teach me to bake. She said I was too obsessed with molding the dough into heart shapes."

"Well...maybe not cupcakes," Draco said quickly. He stroked his chin, and the other two followed suit. "I've got it! We're going to...do something else!"

"Yeah?"

"I've got something that will totally work," Draco said, his face shining with the pleasure of evil-plotting. "We are going to send Potter and his friends to Callihorn instead."

"But how will we ever come to achieve that?" Greg asked.

"We'll try..." Draco's eyes glistened. "The chicken stunt."

***

"Drake, are you sure this is going to work?" Vince asked.

"Yes, I'm positive," Draco said impatiently. "And don't call me Drake! I've had enough cutesy names from my mother. There's so many that they actually made a list of the top ten cute names on mugglenet.com."

"But that number one wasn't cute," Greg pointed out.

"Greg, how many times have I told you to stop wasting your time browsing tedious muggle websites?" Draco said.

They were kneeling behind the statue of a griffin, which was situated in the entrance to the Great Hall. Greg had a barred cage by his side.

"Everyone know the plan?" Draco asked.

"Actually, no," Greg said. "You never mentioned the plan to us, Draco."

"So now I will," Draco snapped. "In this cage are about a million chickens."

"Ooh! Are we going to barbecue them?" Vince exclaimed.

"No! And keep your voice down," Draco snapped. "When Potter, Weasley and Granger come to the Great Hall, we'll release the chickens, they'll cause a diversion, and when the three stooges are trying to get the chicken off, we'll clip a few of their hairs and make it into a polyjuice potion so we can turn into them."

"Draco, as a friend, I must say that's really lame," Greg said. "Wouldn't it be much simpler if we just let three chocolate cakes float in midair, have them gobble them up, pass out, and then we'll clip their hairs?"

"SHUT UP!" Draco screeched. "For the last time, anyone who interrupts will be turned into a chicken!"

"There they come!" Vince said.

Indeed; Potter, Granger and Weasley walked into the entrance.

"On your mark...get set...go!" Draco hissed under his breath.

Nothing happened. The three Gryffindors turned into the Great Hall.

"What the heck?" Draco turned around. Greg and Vince were both crouched at the cage, and they seemed to be talking to the chickens.

"You two dunce-brains!" It took all of Draco's strength and integrity to keep his voice at a whisper. "Why didn't you release the chickens when I told you to?"

The two paid no attention to him. Instead, they were in heated conversations with the chickens.

Vince: yeah, so after he dumped you, he got together with Madeline, but Madeline was already with Louis, but Louis is after you?

Greg: good gracious, that is truly fascinating! Simply marvelous! I had NO idea that chickens were such skillful and intelligent politicians, engineers, and the ones who discovered Uranium?

"Grr!" Draco wanted to tear their thick heads off. So the chicken stunt had failed; maybe he should just become a country singer and have a tea party with the cast of Baywatch. Or he could set up a new plan... "I'm not out of ideas yet," Draco said to himself as he got up and walked away from his chicken-obsessed best friends.

Chapter 3 Random Conversations between the Three Muggleteers concerning Vince’s pathetic love life and some other totally random things after Draco’s 1734255th plan to escape fails

“Draco, I really think we’d be better off if we just give up and go to the muggle school,� Vince said after Draco’s 1734255th plan of that day had failed. The three of them, their faces sweaty and grim from defeat, were walking sulkily back to their common room.

“No,� insisted Draco. “I’ll come up with something. Just give me a minute to think.�

“I know,� said Greg. “Why don’t we go pack our bags and get ready for the farewell ceremony?�

“What?� Draco jumped up and shook Greg by the shoulders. “There’s a farewell ceremony?�

“Yep,� Vince said. “In honor of us. It will be held Thursday night at 7 p.m. in the Great Hall,� he read off some scribbles on his pudgy index finger. “To celebrate (or … *reluctantly* send our Hogwarts heroes on their way to the exciting and once-in-a-lifetime opportunity that awaits them in America, the land of milk, honey, expensive attorneys, Elvis impersonators and … well, other things) the leave of our beloved (attention students! That was NOT a misprint/typo!!!) Messers Malfuy, Crabjhne and gOyak … (who cares how their names are spelled? The important thing is, the little rascals are out of here in a week!). Bring … �

Vince frowned. “Oh, no, the ointment … must have … washed it off,� he faltered, seeing the other two gape at him. “It says to bring something …I just forgot what it was. Blame my microscopic attention span,� he added quickly.

Greg sighed deeply. “I blame Vincent Bartholomew’s microscopic attention span … �

“Wait,� Draco interrupted, cracking up. “Bartholomew? Vince, your middle name is BARTHOLOMEW?!�

“Don’t you find the color pink cute and adorable?� Vince babbled, trying to change the subject.

“Bartholomew, Barty, Barty,� Draco taunted.

“Oh yeah?� Vince’s brows furrowed. “Drakey-poodle-dee-dums … � he began.

“Oh, no, I think Bartholomew is an excellent middle name,� Draco said quickly. “The classic Einstein. Perfect for someone so … intelligent and intellectual like you, uh, Vincent.�

“Who’s Einstein?� Vince asked sluggily.

“Oh, just some random old Muggle guy who developed a whole theory on nuclear bombs and is a genius in the Muggle world,� Draco said carelessly. “He’s actually quite interesting, mind you … did you know that 99 percent of the Einstein personators of the world are women? Jennifer Lopez, for one, has shown a great deal of interest in disguising herself in the grey beard and ugly unhot lab coat (no offense, Jennifer Lopez) ... �

“Ugh, what woman would want to dress up as an ugly, unattractive old guy?� Vince said, looking disgusted.

“Well … actually … � Draco and Greg looked at each other. You tell him, Greg mouthed. No, you, Draco mouthed back. Greg sighed.

“Well…Vincent…you know that girl you like?�

“Which one?� Vince asked.

“I’m not sure about her name,� Greg said. “The one … with the long hair … and freckles.�

“Get a life, Greg, that could be anyone!� Draco interrupted impatiently. “Even Rupert Grint fits that description. Um … tell us the names, and it’ll come to us when it’s the right one.�

Vince cleared his throat. “Ahem … get ready for a loooong list, guys.�

“I thought he put himself on fancy restriction after his sister dumped him,� Draco muttered to Greg.

“He did,� Greg muttered back. “But his restriction was on the amount of burritos he takes in each day.�

Vince wasn’t paying attention. “Dennis Creevey.�

“We said GIRLS, Vince!�

“You mean he’s not a girl?� Vince was shocked. “Then why is his name Dennis?�

Draco rolled his eyes. “Continue, Vince.�

“Parvati Patil.�

“No.�

“Lavender Brown.�

“No.�

“Herm…�

“Skip the Gryffindor girls!� Greg interrupted.

“Professor McG…�

“And the professors!�

SIX HOURS LATER

“Marietta Edgecombe.�

“No.�

“Millicent Bulstrode.�

“No.� (Of course Draco looked angry and incensed!)

“Well … then there’s Ashlee Simpson and Cho Chang.�

“Cho Chang!� Greg exclaimed. “That’s it!�

“Yeah!� said Draco.

“So what about her?� Vince asked.

“Yeah … have you seen her lately?� Draco asked.

“No,� Vince admitted.

“That explains it,� Greg said.

“What?� Vince asked, looking at them.

“D’you know why you haven’t seen her for a while?� Draco said.

“No.�


“Well … have you seen the little hairy man in the hallways who claims to be Flitwick’s evil twin?�

“Yes.�

“That really explains it,� Draco said gravely.

“WHAT?� screeched Vince, going completely berserk. “WHY CAN’T YOU TWO JUST TELL ME WHAT’S BEEN GOING ON? I HAVE A LOT OF PROBLEMS AND I WANT TO FIGURE OUT THE CHO CHANG DISAPPEARANCE MYSTERY! JUST TELL ME WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON!�

“Well, that proves you’re not Nancy Drew,� Draco said. “Fine, we’ll tell you. Cho Chang -- after the 103 incredibly annoying and threatmantic (combo of threaten and romantic … watch the Fairly Oddparents) letters you sent her … which I might add, had at least two spelling/grammar/punctuation errors in each word … went a little angry … and aside from developing an evil plan to catapult you over to the other side of the universe … has taken on a little disguise so that you won’t stalk her anymore.�

“What disguise?� Vince asked, picking his nose self-consciously.

“The Einstamp disguise, you fool,� Greg said. “We promised her not to tell and even did the poka-poka-hokey-pokey-super-wuper-cutey-wutey-girls-only-guys-banned-supercalifragiliciousblahblah-promise handshake (which took about two hours). But you’re our best pal, and even though we now have the purple and green dots spreading across our face and spelling the word SNEAK (which Marietta Edgecombe had somehow learned from Granger), we love you, and …�

“Get on with it,� Vince urged, now eating popcorn (in a cushy armchair that somehow popped up when the readers weren’t looking).

"By all means, pal, go after her before it's too late!"

A/N: lol … I know that title is a little too long, but it totally foreshadows the tedious conversations. (I wonder if this will turn into a soap opera kind of thing). :-)
Please review!

Chapter 4 A Day with the Potter Bunch -- PART A



Each day, Draco, Vince and Greg were stopped by random teachers and students in the hallway. Many asked boring, ridiculous questions (e.g. Rita Skeeter the Beetle: how do you feel about leaving your beloved Miss Granger behind to go to a new school?), some kept reminding them that they would get out of Hogwarts soon, and others simply pointed and jeered at them. Soon, a nickname was devised for them: the Three Muggleteers.

Señor Snape, Draco’s Head of House, had banned the name-calling in his class, but of course it wasn’t to be stopped. Besides, the three of them weren’t even in his class. They were spending every single day in the muggle studies class, where the teacher rambled on about Origami, which, according to Draco’s quick-quotes quill, was a form of East African interpretive dance performed by men who are courting banana-wearing women. They also had extra quizzes every day about muggles. Draco was appalled to open up his first quiz and find out that he knew almost none of the answers.

“How do muggles travel in the air?� he complained to Vince as he saw the big red gleaming F (Professor Royal, their tutor, used the American muggle grading standard) scribbled on his paper. “How was anyone supposed to know that they rode a creepy creature called Bigbird?�

“Actually, they didn’t,� Greg said. “Muggles ride in complex yet highly functional three-dimensional structures referred to as airplanes, or aeroplanes.�

“I have GOT to get rid of that quick-quotes quill and start taking notes on my own,� Draco said disbelievingly.

“All right, quiet down, you three,� Professor Royal said, looking very irritated. She was a tall, thin woman with the same thin light red hair and even thinner lips. She hardly ever smiled, and like McGonagall, she gave massive homework and more essays than they had ever done in their five years at Hogwarts (not that they had ever done much).

“Draco,� she said, reminding them that muggle teachers in America always addressed students by their first names. “Tell me who invented paper and the printing press.�

“Uh…� Draco’s brain went blank. “Pikachu?�

“Close, but not close at all,� Professor Royal said. “The ancient Chinese developed mentioned items far earlier than Pikachu, an animated cartoon designed by Japanese cartoonists, had even appeared on television, which is an electronic device that muggles have developed to view sounds and images.�

Vince raised his hand. “Professor…�

“Mrs. Royal,� she corrected.

“Mrs. Royal…how do you know all that?�

“I paid attention in muggle studies, Vincent,� she said irritably, sounding much like Hermione Granger (to us, of course; Draco, Vince and Greg don’t hang out with her that much, remember?). “Now, Gregory, what is a lawn mower?�

“Er…�

Professor Royal sighed. “I give up! Now, you three, listen carefully. You know Harry Potter and Hermione Granger?�

“They are brands of baking soda, sir!� Vince suddenly yelled, awaking from a long stupor.

“If only you had put that down for number three on your test, Vincent,� Professor Royal said, sighing deeply again. “Now…do you or don’t you?�

“Is that a trick question?� Greg asked.

“Long-legged tropical birds, I reckon.� Said Draco.

“They are muggle-borns,� Professor Royal went on. “So they know a lot about muggle life. Take these worksheets to them…� she handed them some papers. “And ask them what to fill in for each question.�

“No way!� Draco exploded. “We’re not asking those dirty little mudblood-lovers for anything!�

“Draco!� Professor Royal snapped, her eyes narrowing dangerous behind her small round spectacles. “That’s a detention! No, rather, I just thought of a better punishment! As a result of your rudeness to both myself and the muggle-borns of this school, the three of you will be spending the entire day tomorrow with Mr. Potter, Mr. Weasley, and Ms. Granger!�

“WHAT?�

“That’s right, Vincent,� Professor Royal said angrily. “When you wake up tomorrow morning, the three of you will go over to Gryffindor tower and wait for the said students to come out. You will spend the entire day with them and do whatever they tell you to do.�

“But that’s not fair!� Draco protested.

“I…don’t…care!� Professor Royal sank into a chair, panting heavily. “GO ON! I’ll see you…the day after tomorrow…and hopefully…you’ll be…smarter.�

***

“Hello,� Draco said monotonously to Harry, Ron and Hermione (Professor Royal had put spells in their brains so they had to mentally refer to the Gryffindors by their first names! Grrr!) as they came out of the Gryffindor portrait hole. (A/N: parenthesis indicates thoughts) (man, that fat lady is hot!)

“Hello,� Harry replied stiffly. (man, that fat lady is HOT!)

Fat Lady: (*blushes* I didn’t know I was so rad…)

Hermione: (why do those guys keep staring at the fat lady?)

Ron: (why is Hermione staring at these guys?)

Harry: (why is Hermione staring at us?)

Hermione: (why is Harry staring at me?)

Ron: (why are Harry and Hermione staring at each other?)

Hermione: (why are Harry and I staring at each other?)

Harry: (why am I staring at Hermione?)

Hermione: (why am I staring at Harry?)

Harry: (why is Hermione staring at me?)

Vince: (I’m hungry.)

Greg: (the effects of too much critical thinking…*shakes head*)



Glad that Vince had thought that stupid yet helpful thought at that particular moment (how did they read each other’s minds, anyway?), the six of them walked silently to the Great Hall. There was a table of six provided especially for them in the middle of the Great Hall, with polished silverware, embroidered napkins, golden goblets enameled with rubies, sapphires, emeralds and filled to the top with rich, soothing quality grape wine. A golden lamp encrusted with thousands of glittering white diamonds hung above the smooth, unscratched and probably very expensive mahogany table and its matching mahogany chairs (comes complete with delicately-designed and sewn soft cushions). Each of their names were written on gold plaques next to the golden plates. They went in the following order: Draco, Harry, Vincent, Ron, Greg, and Hermione. Gryffindor, Slytherin, Gryffindor, Slytherin, Gryffindor, Slytherin. All of them groaned silently when they saw the arrangements.

Breakfast began as usual (although it was not so usual this time). In the snap of a finger, mountains of varieties of food had appeared on the plates. They dug in, ignoring each other and thinking the following things:

Draco: I wonder if the food at the muggle school will be this good.

Harry: I hope at the muggle school they won’t feed those three creeps.

Hermione: I should get to the library and do a little research on why the fat lady is so attractive to sixth year boys. Maybe if I could find enough information, I could write a whole paper on it! Who knows, next thing, I could appear on television, recognize my lifelong dream and become the next Martha Stewart! Mwahahaha…

Vince: damn, this piece of pork’s stuck to my teeth.

Greg: there’s something wrong with this new brain I’ve got…I keep wanting more bananas.

Draco: Whoa, is Greg addicted to bananas or something?

Ron: I wonder who’s up for a burping contest?



When they finished breakfast (and Greg had slipped several bananas into his pockets), the six of them trotted silently out of the Great Hall and stopped in the entrance. “Well?� Draco asked.

“Well what?� shrugged Harry.

“We’re supposed to follow you around all day,� Draco said grumpily. “Where do you usually go after breakfast?�

“Well…since today is Saturday, I would go to the library,� Hermione said.

“You go to the library?� Draco pulled a face. “No, I’m not going. I went last year already.�

“Well, Professor Royal told you three to follow us, so we’re going to the library!� Hermione snapped, adjusting her heavy bag in her arms.

The five boys trailed after Hermione, who looked very angry and ill-tempered about something, with the three Slytherins bringing up the rear. They took a shortcut into a hallway. Draco immediately recognized this place; it was where he and the rest of the Inquisitorial Squad had caught Potter and his D. A. back in fifth year for la Señorita Umbridge.

I need to get better at muggle studies, he thought sullenly as they walked. Or I’ll spend the remainder of my time at Hogwarts following Granger down stupid hallways to get to the stupid library.

It was then that he heard a very tiny, soft gasp from beside him and a sharp pain in his side.

“Look, Draco!� Vince whispered, pointing to the right.

Draco’s mouth fell open. It was The Room.

***

It was known as The Room to the Slytherins; to the ex-Inquisitorial squad members, at least. It was where Potter and his darling little army had held their secret little meetings…they probably had a cauldron bottom thickness-measuring club, thought Draco. And it was where Pansy had found the list of names, taped to the wall of The Room.

I can’t believe it’s really here, thought Draco. He tugged on Greg and Vince’s robes, and seeing that none of the three Gryffindors before them were looking back, they backed into the room and shut the door quietly.

It was a really wondrous room, almost like one taken straight out of a piece of the Gryffindor common room. There were shelves of books, a cozy fireplace with a red-hot fire burning cheerily, and a couple of comfortable couches by the shelves.

“What the…� the three of them heard Harry’s voice in the hallway. Then Ron’s. “Bloody hell! Where’d the three of them go?� and then Hermione’s, calling, “Come out, you three! Come out!�

Draco smiled contently. Playing tricks on the Gryffindors had always proved to be a great entertainment. He strode over to the bookshelves and examined their titles. Muggle Studies: a Guide to the Modern Life of Our Fellow Non-Magic Communities. The Daily Life of a Muggle. The Adventures of Martin Miggs the Mad Muggle. How to master Muggle Studies Class in a short period of time. Muggles and tobacco: why did JK Rowling name them after such a fatal substance? See more explanation inside.

“This is great!� Draco exclaimed. “All this stuff…it’ll help us learn about muggles!�

“We’ll just have to come back here each day and read the books!� Greg said, looking excited and impressed. “I wonder how we’ve never seen this place before last time?�

“Wait,� said Draco, screwing up his eyebrows. “Last time it looked different…there were pincushions…and defense against the dark arts stuff…�

“It is my guess that the room changes according to the occupant’s will,� Greg said, sounding very smartypants-ish again.

“Yeah?� Draco’s eyes gleamed. “I need…� he pondered slowly. “To see how my father is doing in…the slammer.�

“The slammer?� Vince repeated, puzzled.

“Azkaban,� Draco supplied the synonym tonelessly. “I need to see how my father is doing in Azkaban.�

And he instantly spotted a small mirror lying on a bookshelf. Grabbing him, Draco wiped the dusty surface and looked inside. There was his father, Lucius Malfoy, and the rest of his poker-playing friends (known to US as death eaters) and golf buddies in the cells. Draco looked intently at it, straining to hear their voices.



Lucius Malfoy was pacing slowly in a small cell. His long blonde hair, which was usually slick and smooth, was now ruffled and messy (practically a poodle afro). The sky blue robes that he had loved so much were now stained, torn, and dirty. He seemed to be deep in thought, yet his hollow eyes gave no impression of what he was thinking at the moment.

Bellatrix Lestrange was talking animatedly to Antonin Dolohov at a corner. She looked rather spirited and well-fed, and her dark hair had hot pink streaks in it.

“Yes,� she was saying cheerfully. “That new dementor---her name’s Elizabeth. Have you seen her before, Andy? Real nice girl. She is simply wonderful at french-braiding. And she showed me how to dye my hair and put a charm on it so the color would change according to my mood.

“Really?� Andy raised his eyebrows slightly. “Can she do dreadlocks?�

“I assure you, Andy, she can do any kind of hair known to humans,� Bellatrix said sincerely. “You say dreadlocks…she’s on it. Would you like to contact her? I can give you the number of her salon.�

“Her what?� Andy looked quite confused.

“Her beauty salon,� Bellatrix said, looking surprised that Andy had not heard of it. “That one in cell #15? It offers a 40% off special on hair-curling on Wednesday, you know.�

“Yes…fascinating,� said Andy. “Now…what is her number? I am rather fond of the idea of taking a bold step with my hair and experimenting with dreadlocks.�

“1-800-COME-DIE-AT-MY-HORROR-PLACE,� Bellatrix recited in one breath. “Quite an interesting number system, wouldn’t you say?�

“Yes…yes,� said Andy, his eyebrows raised.

“SHUT UP!� Lucius suddenly thundered, turning to the pair of them. He looked very angry and was evidently on a roll. “I am trying to THINK, if you don’t mind! I would rather not have my ears filled with tedious nonsense about a dementor-operated beauty salon, thank you very much! That means YOU, Lestrange and Dolohov!�

“Jeez, calm down, Luce,� Bellatrix said easily. “You know, you could take that 600 tons of hair you have and go to Elizabeth’s parlor. You’d look good with a French twist.�

“ENOUGH!� roared Lucius. “As if I would disgrace myself by acquiring a feminine hairstyle! This place is going to the DOGS! WhatEVER happened to the old groovy dance club that was previously in cell #12? I…need…to…feel…the vibe…again,� he moaned, falling to the ground and twisting violently, as if having a seizure.

“There’s a booty-shaking dance club in cell #9 right now,� another death eater said uncertainly. “If you want to go…�

“Booty-shaking is just not the same as the radness of disco,� Lucius sighed, looking crestfallen. “Need… tight…outfit…and…spinning…disco…ball.�

“Well, there’s always Irish dancing lessons in cell #14,� Bellatrix said cheerfully. “Anyone else feel the urge to tap your feet out?�

“Yeah!� “I’m on!� “Definitely!�

Everyone filed out of the cell, chatting excitedly about Irish-dancing. Even Lucius Malfoy, who had looked dejected the moment before, followed them.

Chapter 5 A day with the Potter bunch – PART B
A/N: I think this disappeared somehow after I submitted it so it took a while

***

Completely creeped out by the fact that his father was enjoying Irish-dancing in Azkaban, Draco carefully tucked the mirror into the pocket of his robes. “Come on, we’d better catch up to them.�

“But what’ll we do when they ask us where we were?� Vince blurted out an illiteration.

“We’ll tell them we were trying on Dobby’s tea cozy,� Greg joked. The other two glared at him.

“Don’t mention the D word before me,� Draco said darkly. “Really, Gregory, you should know better…that stinky old creature broke my mum’s heart when he got freed…he was the only person she would trust with her silk blouses.�

“To iron or to wear?� Vince asked, quoting a scene from a muggle TV show, Full House.

“To IRON!� Draco snapped. “Now, I have the perfect plan. I need…a Time Turner,� he said loudly, and immediately spotted one near his hand.

“What’s a Time Turner?� Vince asked.

“It turns time, duh!� Draco snapped. “Now, we’ll just go back…five minutes, and that should be right when we were still walking the hallway with the three of them.�

He motioned for the other two to come near. It was very hard to fit the slim chain around all three of their necks, since Vince and Greg had necks the size of elephant legs, but finally they were back in time.

“What the…� the three of them heard Harry’s voice in the hallway. Then Ron’s. “Bloody hell! Where’d the three of them go?� and then Hermione’s, calling, “Come out, you three! Come out!�

Smirking at each other, they quickly caught up to the Gryffindors. “We’re here,� Draco drawled, immensely amused that the three Gryffindors spun around so quickly that they resembled Taz the Tasmanian Devil’s tornado.

“That was NOT funny, Malfoy!� Hermione Granger said loudly, staring at them with dislike.

“Oh, no,� Draco said cheerfully. “Vince here had…er…dropped something, so we went back to pick it up.�

Suddenly, he could hear sounds in The Room. Knowing that his past selves would be coming out in a couple of moments, he hastily ended the conversation. “Now, weren’t we going to the library? Now, come on, let’s move it, people.�

Hermione gave him one last suspicious look, and they set off for the library.

***

“Okay, I don’t know about you two, but I cannot stand this,� Hermione said desperately as she, Harry and Ron gathered in the Improper Use of Unicorns section of the library for a secret meeting. “Having Malfoy and those two thugs follow you around all day…it’s a pain in the neck!�

“Blimey, I hate it even more than you do, Hermione,� Ron said angrily. “And that Crabbe teased me all day about having a pet spork named Sporky (for explanation, see padfootgrim’s Insert Hilarious and Witty Title Here)!�

“Too much muggle fanfiction,� Hermione said, sniffing disapprovingly.

“What are we going to do?� Harry asked.

And suddenly a light came into Hermione’s eyes. Her face took on a mischievious grin. “I’ve got it!�

“Let’s hear it!� Ron said enthusiastically.

“I just remembered,� Hermione said breathlessly. “Professor Royal told them to do anything we tell them to. That means…�

“They have to do everything we tell them to!� Harry concluded.

“Exactly,� Hermione smiled wickedly. “Let’s put our heads together and brainstorm.�

***

“Turn out your pockets,� Hermione commanded as she, Harry and Ron came out from behind a bookcase.

Draco, Vince and Greg all looked rather taken aback. “What did you say, Hermione?� Draco snarled. (ugh, I cannot believe I have to call her HERMIONE!)

“I said, turn out your pockets,� Hermione said, looking obviously amused.

“And why should we do that?� Draco hissed in outrage.

“Well,� Hermione said airily, sitting down opposite them on a couch. “Your Professor Royal told you to do whatever we tell you, didn’t she?�

“How did you know?� Draco asked, his worst fear confirmed.

“Oh, it was on that contract we signed, remember?� It was Hermione’s turn to smirk. “And I believe Professor Royal said that to you in class. Now, turn out your pockets.�

Grudgingly, Draco reached into his robes and drew out the mirror. He saw, with a little bit of surprise, that Potter suddenly looked rather uncomfortable. He handed it to Hermione, who looked at it with interest.

“Hmm…there’s people in here,� she said, peering into the mirror. “Some sort of Dark Arts object, Malfoy?�

“No,� he snapped at her. “Don’t take too long with it.�

“Hmm…wow, fascinating!� Hermione suddenly breathed.

Despite how much he hated Hermione at that particular moment, Draco sprang from his couch to see the mirror. He groaned silently. There was his father in Azkaban, wearing some sort of ugly checkered skirt, a tight vest, and shiny black platform shoes. Beside him was Bellatrix Lestrange, her hair gleaming an energetic orange-and-yellow. They were tapping to the beat of Irish music.

The three Gryffindors nearly choked. “Y-your f-father must be really enjoying himself, Malfoy!� Harry was gasping for air. Ron, on the other hand, was twisting violently on the floor, laughing at the volume of approximately 100 decibels. Hermione’s face was red as she suppressed giggles and finally let them out.

“Man, this is better than seeing Voldemort perform with N’SYNC wearing a pink bikini,� Harry commented once he had stopped laughing and was clutching his stomach.

Draco grimaced slightly when he heard Harry mention the Dark Lord’s name. “My father…� he began, but Hermione’s voice drowned out his, shrieking, “Oh, look!�

The instructor, a dementor with a green Leprechaun coat, waved for silence, and the dancers stopped tapping. “Good work, everyone,� he said in a surprisingly deep voice. “I’ll see you next time. Remember, there’s a new Italian café that was just opened in cell #22, open 17 hours a day. Serves excellent pasta if you want to go try it. Bye.�

The prisoners flooded out of the cell. “This is simply wonderful, Luce,� Bellatrix said to Lucius as they set off for the Italian café. “I mean, the last time I was in here, I almost starved to death and had to endure the tedious gossipings of two volunteer dementors, AND I was the object of some sort of torture device experiment that didn’t work. But this place is all reformed! It’s like the Renaissance or something!�

“I know, Bella!� Lucius agreed. “This is practically a spa. I mean, there’s grooming, there’s beauty parlors, there’s restaurants, exercise gyms, boogie-woogie dance clubs, and so many other things! We should turn this place into a tourist attraction.�

“Oh, I simply ADORE those Muggle men in polyester shirts,� Bellatrix gasped. “They have such great taste in shirts. Do you think we should speak to the Head Dementor about advertising this place?�

“Absolutely, Bella!� Lucius said enthusiastically. “Let’s call him after we have some of that delicious Italian spaghetti. Déjà vu!�

“Luce?�

“Hmm?�

“Please don’t use that word again.�

***

“Welcome,� whispered Professor Trelawney. “Tonight, I will deduce the mysteries of your future in the arvalenence of my erbuqirp.�

“Is that even a word?� Harry asked Hermione under his breath.’

“No,� Hermione whispered back. “But who cares? We’re getting her to torture the Slytherins.�

And indeed they were. Professor Trelawney, being her loving, caring and generous self, had readily agreed to tell the fortune of Draco, Vince and Greg that night. The three Slytherins were absolutely appalled by the command, but as Professor Royal ordered them to obey the Gryffindors, they had no choice but to slump into Trelawney’s classroom and sprawled themselves onto the cushions.

“No, my dears, you will not be sitting there tonight,� Trelawney said, exercising her vocabulary of made-up words. “I will deduce your trebarks better in my office.�

“Office?� all six of them were confused. “You have an office?�

“Yes, I do,� she said, a little impatient. “Now come! My recharnorp will not last long.�

They followed her into her so-called office. Nothing was in it except some wine red drapes and a round wooden table, surrounded by a couple of wooden chairs.

“This is where I do my fortune-telling,� Trelawney said, waving her hands. “Oh, and…�

She was interrupted by a can-can that erupted from her waist. They then saw with shock that she drew a cellphone out of her pocket and turned it on. “Hola! Es Sybil. No, lo siento. Tengo poco estudiantes. Vale. Vale.�

She hung up, aware of everyone gaping at her. “What?� she exclaimed.

“You have no idea how much I don’t want to be here right now,� Draco said, shaking his head.

“Well…let’s begin,� Trelawney said, going back to her low, mystic tone. “Sit down.�

They all scrambled to get the farthest chair from Trelawney. Finally, an unwilling Draco found himself next to her.

“Ah, so you wish to go first,� Trelawney said.

(No, no, no.)

Instead, Draco kept his mouth shut.

“Give me your palm…�

(Euugh, she’s touching my hand…she’s touching my hand…I wonder if she’s pure-blood. Well, she’d better be pureblood if she’s touching my hand!)

“Let me see…�

(I wonder if that gold ring is real…looks about 18K to me.)

“Ah…mm…hmm…ah…mm…hmm…ah…mm…hmm…�

(She’s mumbling in a strange bizzaro kind of pattern!)

“Very interesting…�

(*singsong* Trelawney needs to get a life, Trelawney needs to get a life…)

“Let the rains fall down and wash away my sanity…� Trelawney was now singing under her breath.

(I’d say the rains have done a pretty job.)

“…skater boi, I’ll see you later boi…�

(Avril Lasagna?!)

“Love me tender…love me sweet…never let me go…�

(*sweating* how did she know about the Death Eaters Interest Club Song?)

The thoughts of the others:

Harry: I’m too bored to have thoughts right now.

Hermione: *imitating Trelawney* I see pain in your future…death…grave danger…a fat wife and a trailer park…

Ron: Love me tender…love me sweet….Hermione.

Vince: Trelawney’s not half bad at singing…is she a tenor?

Greg: I wanna be next. I think Professor Trelawney is amazing! She can predict so many things, and she is the coolest professor ever!

Vince: *rolls eyes* I think someone needs shock therapy…

Ron: Love me tender…love me sweet…mmm, steak!

Harry: I’m still too bored to have thoughts right now.

Greg: I should become a fashion designer and make Trelawney For President T-shirts!

Hermione: Why in the world is Trelawney singing Muggle songs?

“Baby don’t go breakin’ my heart…� Trelawney began another song. “Take it, Draco!�

Reluctantly, Draco opened his mouth. “I couldn’t if I tried.� He said at a B-flat level.

“Oh, come on, be happy!� Trelawney exclaimed. “Be hyper! Would you like some sugar and coffee?�

“No thanks,� Draco said dully. “Look, will you just take a look at my hand and tell me my future?�

“Fine,� sniffed Trelawney. She grabbed Draco’s hand and pinched it, making him wince with pain. “I see pain in your future…death…grave danger…a fat wife and a trailer park…�

Just then, a French maid appeared at the door. “Mademoiselle Trelawney, your shrimp gelatin is ready,� se said in a heavy accent. “And Once Upon a Millennium is on. Margaret is breaking up with John in today’s episode.�

“Ooh! My soap! My shrimp! My GELATIN!� Trelawney squealed, and she was out of the room in a nanosecond.

“Well, that was fun,� Draco said sarcastically.

Greg was sorely disappointed that he didn’t get a turn with Trelawney, but quieted down after the rest assured him hastily that he could always make another appointment with her. They walked downstairs to eat dinner. And then, when dinner was over, Professor Royal hurried toward them. “Your day is over,� she said. “You may go back to your own common rooms now.�

Draco turned to Harry. “Well, today wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be,� he admitted reluctantly. “I had some fun…and…well.�

“Yeah…� Harry said slowly. “Well…this is it.�

“Good night,� Hermione said uncertainly. Ron nodded from beside her.

They then turned around and began heading to their own common rooms. Draco suddenly heard Harry calling behind him. “Hey! Uh…Malfoy! Crabbe! Goyle!�

“Yeah?� they turned around.

“You guys…could come hang out with us in the Gryffindor common room,� Harry said.

Draco smiled slightly. “That would be good,� he said slowly. “Come on, guys. Let’s play a rousing round of POKER!�

“You’ll write us, right?� Harry asked as they walked side by side down the hallway.
“Not a chance.�

A/N: this is really, really random....but the other day (12/11 to be exact) I met a guy whose name was Mark Evans.

Chapter 6 Dating, phone calls, and Voldemort’s Newest Evil Plan

Over the next few days, signs were being posted around the school, all reading the same thing: COME TO THE FAREWELL CEREMONY FOR MR. MACDONALD, CARTER, AND GORDON (OR SOME VARIATION OF THAT) THIS THURSDAY. BRING…

And somehow, every time Draco, Vince and Greg went to read the signs, the words behind BRING were either too pale to read, scratched out by ink, or torn away. It seemed that there was some sort of enchantment that wouldn’t let them read it.

�Well, that’s good, isn’t it?� Greg said uncertainly at dinner on Wednesday. “It’s planned to be a surprise for us…wonder what it’ll be?�

“I hope they bring our chicky friends,� Vince said dreamily. “I’m simply DYING to ask Josie about how Frank and Rebekah are doing now, and whether Sarah and Marcus did break up or not.�

“That’s all you care about, gossip!� Greg chided lightly. “Honestly, Vincent Bartholomew, couldn’t you just focus on the more, ah, intelligent and marvelous sides of chicken philosophy? Such as the inventions of the whattheheckisthis, the ihavenoideawhatitis, and the strangethingwithnoname? Or the questions that have puzzled the most gifted minds of the century: which came first, the chicken or the egg?�

“I have a piece of pork stuck to my teeth AGAIN,� Vince said, wincing and tuggling rather savagely at his wisdom tooth.

“I hope they bring a famous person,� Draco said, working up his own fantasies. “Anyone…preferably The Elvis Presley, though. He is so groovy.�

“Draco, have you been watching your father again?� Vince asked.

Draco ignored him. “Thank you…thank you very much,� he said in a VERY lame attempt to impersonate Wayne Newton. And then, “Come on, baby mama� for Elvis.

“Baby mama?� Greg inquired, his eyebrows raised. “Is that scientifically possible?�

“Damn, I can’t get it with even a toothpick,� Vince said, poking at the pork stuck in his teeth.

“I mean, how can a person be a baby and a mama at the same time?� Greg said. “Isn’t it true that females aren’t classified as women/mothers until a certain age…�

“Thank you, thank you very much,� Draco’s voice completely drowned him out. “You’re beautiful, I love you.�

Greg sighed. Having artificial intelligence and living with two complete morons was not his idea of Disneyworld.

***

“Hello? Head Dementor?�

Lucius Malfoy gripped the telephone tightly, anxiously waiting for the Head Dementor’s response. What kind of vile, evil and cruel creature would the Head Dementor be? Perhaps if he was having a bad hair day, he would take Lucius and throw him headfirst into a boiling cauldron of love. Lucius shuddered. He was allergic to love. (go awwww! (-: )

“Who is this? Hold on,� said a raspy voice which Lucius had not quite expected. He could hear some muffled yelling in the background (“YOU KIDS STAY OFF MY LAWN!!!!�), and some pots and cans banging loudly. Finally the voice came back, huffing and puffing and out of breath. “Sorry, just the neighbours’ little brats being obnoxious again. They annoy the heck outta me, I tell ya. Monday it’s ‘the cat ate your newspaper’. Tuesday is ‘the cat ate your milk’. Wednesday, ‘the cat ate your letter of protest’. Thursday, ‘the cat ate your cat’, and Friday, ‘the cat ate your brain’. I HATE them! They’re the brattiest brats on the whole entire freakin’ planet! And they think they can get away with it, too! It’s not even their cat, y’know! It’s some sort of orangish freakish loser feline named Gardner, Garfield, whatEVER! And there’s always that loser blondie dog chasin’ after him…Odish, Odie, again, whatEVER! That cat is so annoying, I swear he drank all my milk, and that dog! Worships him like an idol, he does! The only scrap of talent that dog’s got is dancing! I’ve seen him, he’s pretty good! The muggles even made it into a movie called Gardner, Garage, Garfield, hear me loud and clear, WHATEVERRRRRR!!!! I…�

“E-excuse me, Mr. Head Dementor,� Lucius said carefully. “Can I call you sir?�

“Naw, call me Billy Bob,� the reply came. “It’s what all the folks ‘round town call me, youngster. Aw cawse, I sure did fancy the name Flappin’ Jack fer a few moments, but it’s nawt really me, ya know! Billy Bawb really fits my cha-ract-stic-cer, yes siree, it shaw does. Aw cawse, eber since I put on some massive weights them, whoa howdy boy, I jest loved the way Bil’ Bawb rolls off yaw tongue! I…�

“Oooooo…kay,� Lucius said cautiously. “Moving on…do you live in Azkaban, uh, Billy Bob…sir?�

“No, dude, I, like, moved to Texas a few years back, yeah. Like, um, why are you, like, calling?�

“Are you sure you’re the Head Dementor?� Lucius was now very suspicious.

“Head Dementor?! What in blazes is that?�

“YOU’RE…A…MUGGLE!� Lucius roared, furious that he had dialed the wrong number. He was about to hang up when another voice took over the phone. It was a deep, low hiss, one that chilled a person to the bone. “Lucius Malfoy…� it breathed.

And suddenly, Lucius recognized the voice. “M-master?� he whispered.

“Yes, your master, you fool!� it spat. “What took you so long to recognize my voice?�

“Uh, uh, no offense, mas’er, but what was that other voice?� Lucius asked carefully.

“My housekeeper!� Voldemort hissed. “Damn Wormtail’s off on a mission, so I had to hire a dingblasted Muggle. He’s a klutz who’s hooked on crack and who switches to a different accent every few seconds, PLUS he just blabbers right off his mouth!�

“W-where are you, master?� Lucius asked quickly.

“Czechslovakia.�

“Czechslowhaffink?�

“I was KIDDING!� Voldemort roared. “I’m somewhere in London. Number Eleven Grimmauld Place.�

“I see,� Lucius said. “By the way, m’lord, do you know how I can reach the Head Dementor?�

“1-800-PIPE-REPAIR,� Voldemort said coolly.

“What?� Lucius was very confused.

“I was KIDDING! I don’t know the bloody damn dementoid number, you dimtwit!� Voldemort roared again. “Whyn’t you look that up in the telephone book and stop giving me prank calls?�

“Ooooo……kay, I will,� Lucius said. “Bye, now.�

“No, wait!� Voldemort cried. “Now that you’ve called, I have a brilliant idea!�

“Does it involve plastic surgery?�

“No.�

“Removal of the epidermis?�

“No.�

Lucius breathed out in relief. “What is it, then?�

“I was thinkin’, whyn’t you death eaters escape from Azkaban and join me, Lord Voldemort, in conquering the Wizarding World and assist me in becoming Supreme Ruler of the Universe? I will reward you, then, with showers of gold, silver and gemstones!�

“No thanks, not interested.� Lucius hung up.

“Wait! I’ll give you the Dunkin’ Donut shop, too!�

“Lucius! Yoo-hoo!�

“Yeah, Nancy?� he turned to see a dementor in a pink dress drift toward him. She was holding a letter. “This just came for you. From your son, I think.�

“My what?� Lucius asked blankly.

“Your son. Draco Malfoy. Your Pride and Joy?�

“Oh, yeah, right, the little annoying blonde twerp.� Lucius took the letter from her and opened it.

Yo pop,
Dem annnoing Hogwerts peepo sed dat we wood hav two go two sum maggle sgull in Amersica. Dat is, me, Crab, an Goyal. We don wannna go. Can U speak 2 da hedmeser or sumthin?
By da way, I outgru my pantyhose. I been weirin one sence I plaid da fRanch made in da sgulll plaiy cuz it feils good. Ken U ordur anuzer one 4 me? Sanx mach in adwans.
Oh an alsow mUm sayz U bettir not hook up wiss anuzer laidy in Asskaben hear. Becuz if U does dan she weel keel U. She bot a ryfo las wik sow I no she’z na kidin.
How is Assbakan? Didja meat any neu frans? Rimemer dat Ur puro ofiser sed dat U need 2 maike neu frans.
I hav 2 get redi 4 the Fairwel Saramonie now. I heer deer weel B much bugy densin! R U stil Irysh dencin in Azzbazakan? I hope not. U luk rilli bad in dat vest.
Gotta go,
Lil Drake

(For less able readers, here is the letter in correct form:)
Yo pop
Them annoying Hogwarts people said that we would have to go to some muggle school in America. That is, me, Crabbe, and Goyle. We don’t wanna go. Can you speak to the headmaster or something?
By the way, I outgrew my pantyhose. I’ve been wearing one since I played the French maid in the school play because it feels good. Can you order another one for me? Thanks much in advance.
Oh and also Mum says you better not hook up with another lady in Azkaban here. Because if you does then she will kill you. She bought a rifle last week so I know she’s not kidding.
How is Azkaban? Did you meet any new friends? Remember that your parole officer said that you need to make new friends.
I have to get ready for the farewell ceremony now. I hear there will be much boogie-dancing! Are you still Irish dancing in Azkaban? I hope not. You look really bad in that vest.
Gotta go,
Lil Drake

“What does it say?� Bellatrix asked curiously, approaching him.

“He outgrew his pantyhose,� Lucius said thoughtfully, casting the letter into the fire. “Again. The fool can’t even think of performing an engorgement charm!�

“Now that’s a big problem,� Nancy said. “You can shop at Cold Navy in cell #22 if you like, Lucius. They just recently got a big mailing order of X-Large cotton male pantyhoses.�

“I’ll keep that in mind, Nancy. Now, aren’t you late for something?�

“The Varsity meet, you’re right! See y’all later!� Nancy ran, oops I mean glided, down the hall. Bellatrix turned to Lucius.

“What are you going to do about it?� she said. “I can help you pick out the pantyhoses if you like.�

“No, they don’t sell good pantyhoses at Cold Navy,� Lucius said. “I tried it once, and boy, did it itch like mad…never mind that. I’ve got to take action.�

“Yes?�

“I’m going to break out of Azkaban.�

Bellatrix’s eyes were wide from shock. “Break…out of Azkaban?� she whispered. “Are you crazy, Lucius?�

“What? You broke out of Azkaban, didn’t you?�

“Yes, but that was different!� Bellatrix exclaimed, pacing around the hallway. “I was suffering in here. I was almost driven mad. The square dancing! The pizza sticks! The I love Lucy reruns! It was TORTURE!�

“Lower your voice,� Lucius said quickly, looking around them anxiously to see if anyone had overheard. “No one must know of this, do you understand?�

“But why?� Bellatrix insisted.

“Because…� Lucius looked around them again. “The Dark Lord has called me!�

“What?� she yelped.

“Keep your voice down!� Lucius hissed again. “He is organzing all of his faithful servants to break out of Azkaban and join him in his army. You must come too, Bella. And Antonin, and all of the other Death Eaters who are not with him.�

“Where is he?� Bellatrix asked.

“It’s a secret,� Lucius said. “Go inform the other Death Eaters. We will work up a plan to escape.�

Bellatrix set off for the cells promptly, but she then stopped reluctantly in the doorway. “But Luce…�

“What?�

“But…this place is so wonderful. We can’t leave here. It’s like paradise.�

“Yes, but the call of the Dark Lord is much more important than mere physical relaxation,� Lucius said.

“What about the Irish dancing lessons? And your little leather vest, Walter?�

“Walter! I’d miss him, true…and…ohh…Irish dancing is so good.�

“Yeah. And then there’s Italian and spas and beauty salons…�

“AHHH!� Lucius collapsed. “My love of the Dark Lord and my love of the Paradise is TEARING ME APART!�

“Think, Lucius, think…� Bellatrix whispered. “Which is more important?�

Lucius lowered his head, thinking hard. Dunkin’ Donut…Dunkin’ Donut…Dunkin’ Donut…

“We will return to our Master,� he said firmly. “He needs us. Tell all the Death Eaters to meet in my cell at 12:00 tonight. We will discuss our plans.�

***

“No! No!� Draco moaned and yelled as he stood in the middle of a huge golden dish in his underwear and in the middle of the Great Hall. Every single student in Hogwarts had a large bucket, and they kept pouring pudding, gelatin, and every other liquid form in the world onto him. His sides were gooey and gross. His usually carefully-slicked hair was covered in strawberry milkshake, and his robes were smothered with chocolate ice cream. There were huge blobs of purple gelatin down his shirt, and they made his body feel very uncomfortable, plus jiggly. Mingled in the background were Trelawney’s yells. (“SHRIMP GELATIN!�)

Draco snorted. Suddenly he turned into a pig with a curly tair and a large hairy snout. He snorted and strutted around a farmyard. He was looking for a restroom.

Then he was human again, and he was sitting in a black-and-white tuxedo in a romantic restaurant with…TRELAWNEY????

“AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!� Draco’s eyes snapped open. He was lying in his bed, and his back hadn’t sweated so much since he had gotten stage fright from playing the French Maid. It was around 1:00 in the morning.

“Draco?� Vince’s sleepy voice came from another bed. “What up, yo?�

“Had a nightmare,� Draco said, wiping his forehead. “Actually, a COUPLE of nightmares.�
He could hear Vince shuffling around, putting on his Spiderman pajamas, which had feet attached to save the expense of putting on socks, as Vince could never master the skill of sock-wearing. Then Vince had turned the lights on. Draco took one look of Vince’s face and screamed bloody murder.
Vince was HANDSOME.
In fact, Vince had transformed into Chad Michael Murray II.
“VINCE!� Draco screeched. “YOU’RE DISFIGURED!�

“AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!� Draco’s eyes snapped open. He was lying in his bed, and his back hadn’t sweated so much since he had been caught stealing corn starch from his father’s underwear drawer. It was around 12:00 in the morning.

“Draco?� Vince’s sleepy voice came from another bed. “What up, yo?�

“Had…two…nightmares,� Draco said, wiping his nose. “In one, I was…having…dinner with Trelawney.�

“What about the other one?�

“I dreamed that you were handsome. Boy, that was scary.�

“You think that the thought of me being handsome is a scary thought?�

“No, Vince, I think I thought that I think I had a nightmare when I had that thought. Bah! Whatever.�

“Wait,� Vince persisted. “You think I couldn’t be handsome?�

“I’ll have to think about the answer, Vince,� Draco said. “Thinking, thinking…no.�

Vince scoffed. “I can TOO be handsome! I’m a chick magnet!�

“He means chick repellent,� Greg’s sleepy voice came from another bed.

“Girls love me!� Vince exclaimed. “As a matter of fact, I’m going to ask Furry Beard out tomorrow!�

“Furry Beard?� Draco and Greg were confused. “HAGRID?�

“No, Cho Chang!� Vince was indignant. “Remember how she’s been dressing up to avoid me? Right now she’s going the mountain hillbilly thing, so she’s all furry with a big beard and stuff.�

“Ohh…oh, right.� Draco said. “Are you sure about this? What if she turns you down?�

“She’s not GOING to,� Vince said. “I’m going to work up my charm.�

“Draco?� Greg buzzed. “I’m beeeee-coming a little nauseous.�

“Don’t worry,� Draco buzzed back. “We’ll beeeeee fine.�

“Maybe a polyjuice potion with bees wasn’t the best idea,� Greg said.

“Nonsense! This is the only way we’ll be able to follow Vince around.�

The two of them had drank the speeded-up polyjuice potion with bee wings in it. They had just transformed into bees, and they were determined to follow Vince as he asked Cho Chang on a date.

“Uuuummmmm, Draco?� Greg asked. “I thought Polyjuice Potions couldn’t transform you into animals. Why are we bees?�

“Well, that’s a good question, Greg,� Draco said. “You see, I performed this small incantation that caused…�

“Shake your wanny-fanny, funky song, funky song, shake your…� a random student’s loud and obnoxious singing drowned Draco’s voice out.

“Oh, I get it,� Greg said as Draco’s explanation ended. “That’s ingenious, Draco.�

“Thanks, Greg. Now let’s fly over to the Great Hall.�

They had to stay near the ceiling and fly quietly, as they didn’t want to be smushed by the floods of students going into the Great Hall. They caught Vince as he walked toward the Ravenclaw table, wearing a red bow tie with white polka-dots, his face set.

“Quick, down here,� Draco whispered. They hid inside Vince’s collar.

“Hi, Cho!�

…

“Cho?�

…

“I’m…uh…I’m…uh…�

“Vincent Bartholomew Crabbe,� Draco whispered.

“Uh, yeah, that.� Vince was too thick to notice that a strange buzzing voice in his collar had just answered for him. “Vincent Bartholomew Crabbe. And, uh, I know your name, ‘cause, uh, well, I do, because you’re, uh, popular, and, uh…�

“Get to the topic!� Greg hissed.

“Oh, uh, yeah. Cho?�

She finally turned around to look at him. “What?�

“Will you, uh, go, uh on a date, with, uh, me?�

She opened her mouth.

“Well, Vladdy, I hate to tell you this, but my answer is n…�

“Imperio!� Draco hissed.

Cho snapped up to a rigid position in her seat, and her eyes stared straight in front of her. “Your wish is my command!�

“Say yes,� Draco said, pleased with his extracurricular spellwork.

“YES!�

“YES!� Vince jumped.

But little did he or anyone know that Draco was in big, BIG trouble for performing an unforgivable curse.

_____


A/N: This is really random...but the other day I met a guy whose name is Mark Evans. Oh and there's this guy whose initials are T.M.R. and his first name is Tom!

Chapter 7 Vincent’s Date
Disclaimer- again, this is too insane to be true, so I don’t own anything except for the random spell Draco used.
A/N: had writer’s block on this chapter…

“Okay, so does this mean that you’re going to be controlling Cho the whole time with the Imperious Curse?� Greg asked as he and Draco walked into Potions on Thursday morning. They were, as usual, dreadfully late, but Señor Snape only chided them lightheartedly when they came in and took seats in the front since it was one of their last Hogwarts lessons. Vince was slouched in the leftmost seat in the front desk, a dreamy expression on his face.
“If that’s what it takes to accomplish my mission,� Draco answered.
“What IS your mission, Draco?� Greg asked, taking out a banana from the front of his robes.
“My mission is to make Cho Chang absolutely unbearable,� Draco said smugly. “She will burp, slouch, be fratulent, and do every embarrassing and disgusting thing ever known to humans. That way he’ll get REALLY sick of her and dump her.�
“Isn’t that kind of mean?� Greg asked.
“Yep. Hey, what do you think we’ll be doing in class today?�
“I don’t know.� Greg finished peeling the banana and tossed the peel onto the floor in the aisle. “Guess what?� he said excitedly. “I came up with a new invention.�
“Uh-huh?� Draco looked at the banana peel.
“I’ve invented some sort of enchantment that makes a banana peel slippery.�
“Fascinating.�
***
(12:00 AM Wednesday midnight)
Lucius Malfoy looked at the masses of Death Eaters gathered in his cell. He grinned at them, pleased at their undying devotion to the Dark Lord. “Welcome,� he said. “To the Death Eaters Azkabanian Convention of 1996. I am Lucius F. A. T. H. O. G. Malfoy, your chairman for this event. Ladies and gentlemen, please give a big round of welcome to…Vanna White!�
Show-biz music began to play as all the lights focused on Vanna White, who came out from behind a velvet curtain and waved at the applause, cheering and wolf whistles. “Good evening, everyone!�
“Vanna White?� Andy Dolohov muttered into Bellatrix’s ear incredulously.
“Shh,� Bellatrix whispered back. “I think Wheel of Fortune is starting.�
Just then, Macnair, dressed in a sparkling silver two-piece swimsuit, pulled the curtains apart to reveal a giant board. The Death Eaters whooped and cheered (NOT at Macnair). Macnair gave a small bow and retired from the stage.
“All right, we’re gonna cut to the chase. I got a muggle television gig right after this,� Vanna said. She marched over to the board, flipping each…er…flippy piece. The Death Eaters chanted each letter out after she revealed it.
“B!�
“U!�
“T!�
“T!�
“E!�
“HALT!� A shrill voice hissed.
All the lights suddenly came on. Lucius took one look at the source of the voice and nearly fainted dead on the floor.
It was the dementors.
***
“All right, this stinger in my butt is really annoying,� Greg grumbled as he and Draco flew toward the Ravenclaw common room. “What if it stings me?�
“I think that new brain of yours is deteriorating,� Draco said irritably.
“Draco?�
“Yeah?�
“How come we brewed a Polyjuice Potion in just thirty minutes, while usually it takes a month?�
“That’s another interesting question, Greg. You see, I…�
“Oh I’m a Lady who is gray, and I really like checkers, I want a Transformer’s for an ideal Christmas present. Also I like My Pretty Ponies they are so pretty, and I eat at Burger King to get A Series of Unfortunate Events toys!� the Gray Lady’s random outburst of song to the notes of Yankee Doodle drowned out Draco’s voice.
“Wow, that’s cool, Draco,� Greg said after Draco’s explanation ended. “I have another question. Why do random people always sing loudly whenever you give me an explanation?�
“Well, you see, Greg…�
“Come on, yo, gimme the password already!� the Gray Lady interrupted. She was wearing a red cap, a Fat Albert shirt, jeans held up loosely by silver clinking chains, and black Ugg boots. Rumour was that all the Ravenclaws referred to her as the “Goth Geek�.
“Wait,� Draco said incredulously, “you can see us?�
“Of course I can. Y’all aren’t Ravenclaws, I can tell. They stopped letting bees in after the famous incident in 1975 when this first-year beetle who was supposed to be in Slytherin bit the Sorting Hat, turned the Hat senile, and got Sorted into Hufflepuff by accident. Looong story. ‘K, whachu guys doin’ here?�
“We’re the New Jersey delegates who are late for signing the Declaration of Independence?�
“Nice try. The New Jersey delegates have already arrived. New Hampshire hasn’t, though.�
“Oh, did I say New Jersey? I meant New Hampshire.�
“I thought so. Come in, John Hancock and George Washington are waiting for you in the back room.� The Gray Lady swung inward, and Draco and Greg flew into the room.
“Phew, that was random,� Greg said. “I had no idea you were so good at History, though.�
“Me neither. But that Gray Lady was definitely senile. Come on, let’s find Cho.�
She wasn’t in the common room, so Draco and Greg flew up to the girls’ dormitories. They squeezed through a crack and entered the seventh year dorm. Cho was sitting on her bed, doing her hair.
“Apply a small amount of hair gel to your top layer,� she read from a set of instructions.
“I wore hair gel before the 3rd HP movie,� Draco reminisced to Greg.
“I wonder why Alfonso didn’t let you wear it again.�
�So do I. Anyway,� Draco said. “Ready?�
“Ready.�
The Polyjuice Potion wore off. They turned back into themselves.
“Ahh!� Cho screamed, seeing two random bees sprout into large Sixth year smelly Slytherins. She fainted on the floor from shock.
“Ah, that saves me the trouble of Stunning her,� Draco said proudly. “Now, I’m not going to use the Imperious Curse this time. I found something better.�
“Yeah? Let’s see it.�
“Manipulemencia!� Draco said, pointing his wand at Cho. He felt himself turning into a ghost-like figure and flowing into Cho’s body. The next second, he was a dark-haired seventh year Ravenclaw girl, and his blonde-haired body lay a useless lump (as always) on the floor.
“Whoa, way cool,� Greg said. “So you’re in her body now?�
“Yep,� Draco said. Even his voice sounded different. It was higher, sweeter, and prettier. He stood up. “Okay, I’m going to vanish my body. Evan…� he suddenly sneezed, so it sounded like “Echoneso!�
His body disappeared.
“Uh-oh,� Greg said. “I think you sent it somewhere.�
“We’ll worry about that later,� Draco said. “This spell wears off after about an hour. And then you can’t perform it again until twenty-four hours later. Come on, let’s meet Vince.�
Greg began to walk but then stopped. “Wait. You can’t do this.�
“What? Greg, you’re chickening out NOW?�
“No, no, not that! Your hair is all nice and everything. You’re supposed to be a SLUT!�
“Oh, yeah, thanks for reminding me. Okay, let’s mess this girl up!�
“Okay. How about a coating of…CHOCOLATE SAUCE?�
“Uh…no, I don’t think so. Wait, wait. Get the hair gel.�
“Getting the hair gel.� Greg picked up the bottle.
“Put it all over my hair!�
“Are you serious?�
“DO I LOOK SERIOUS?�
“I don’t know, you’re a girl!�
“JUST PUT THE BLOODY GEL ON!�
“O-okay.� Greg squirted a drop or two of hair gel on his hand. “MORE!� Draco yelled.
“Why don’t we just use the entire bottle?� Greg unscrewed the top and dumped the whole bottle over Draco’s head. Draco grimaced as he felt the cold, sticky, gooey, disgusting liquid wash over his scalp. This was a tiny bit more than what he was used to wearing.
“What next?� Greg asked.
“Goth,� Draco said, inspired by the Gray Lady. “She should wear black.�
“She IS wearing black. Black robes. See?� Greg shoved a corner of Cho’s robes up to Draco’s nose.
“No, just black is not enough.� Draco decided. He touched the robes with his wand. Instead of black with red polka-dots and stripes, the robes turned into a French maid costume. “Oh MY …a FRENCH MAID COSTUME????!!!!!!�
“Looks like your wand malfunctioned,� Greg said, snickering.
Steaming, Draco touched the costume with his wand again. This time it turned into a gangster outfit, complete with metal accessories, a bandanna around dyed purplish-green hair, and a black shirt that said GOIN’ GHETTO.
“Better,� Draco commented. “Anything else?�
“You’re missing a tattoo,� Greg said. He conjured a marker and drew a Barbie doll with devil’s ears, hoofs and pitchfork on Draco’s (or Cho’s) arm.
“Perfect! Come on, we have to go.�
They ran down to Hogsmeade and found Vince in the Three Broomsticks. He was wearing a bright green tuxedo with a clashing bright orange tie and a black shirt underneath.
“Someone’s been mooooussing,� Greg whispered. “Good luck, buddy. I’ll be with Theo in the next booth if you guys need us.�
“Cool. Later.� They separated. Draco walked over to Vince, careful to slightly sway in his walk. “Hi, Vincent,� he said as he approached Vince.
Vince was sweating. “Gg…hh…j…kk….ll….djdhehwbheuj,� he stuttered.
Draco pretended not to hear. “Let’s go in, shall we?�
“Ysbsbvebewwop,� Vince stammered nonsense again. They walked in and sat down at a booth next to the one occupied by Greg and Theo Snot. (or was it Theodore Nott?)
“Hello, m’dears,� Madam Rosmerta said. “What can I get you?�
“A Burger King Kid’s Meal,� Draco blurted, inspired by the Gray Lady’s song. “With Lemony Snicket’s toy thing.�
“I beg your pardon?� Madam Rosmerta’s eyebrows went up.
“Hot cocoa will be fine,� Draco said. “Oh, and how about spaghetti? Oh yeah, and get brussel sprouts, broccoli and carrot sticks for him. He’s dieting.� In a loud whisper, he told Madam Rosmerta, “Which he should be. He’s INCREDIBLY overweight.�
Vince turned pink. “Just…a little…� he mumbled.
“And get me a couple of garlic and onions,� Draco said. He was going to hate this, he knew it.
Madam Rosmerta placed their orders in front of them. “E-enjoy,� she said uncertainly.
“Thanks.� Draco placed one of his feet on the table. “Ow, my feet are sweating like a pig. Mind if I air out my socks?�
“In front of my face?�
“Yeah, that’s how I do it at home.�
“Wow!� Vince was excited. “A girl is going to air out her socks right in front of my face! How cool is that?�
Draco tugged his sock off and dropped it in Vince’s broccoli.
“So…� Vince said. “What do you like to do in your spare time…Cho?�
“I like to play b-ball with my homies,� Draco said, dipping the sock in Vince’s broccoli and waving it under Vince’s nose. “Of course, other times…� he took off his jacket and scratched his armpit. “I like to smoke, drink, and take part in illegal activities. But enough about me. What about you…Victor?�
“Vincent,� Vince corrected.
“That’s what I said. Victor. Anyway…� Draco began to clean between his toes. “What do you like to do?�
“Well, uh, I, uh, also like to play b-ball with my, uh, homies. But I’m good at Wizard Chess.�
Draco took Vince’s knife and began to clip his toenails. The droppings all fell in Vince’s hot cocoa. “These taste really good with cocoa,� he assured Vince.
Vince gulped down his cocoa. “Tastes like nail polish,� he said.
“I know.� Draco grinned. He removed his foot from the table and grabbed a handful of spaghetti, stuffing it all into his pie hole. “Mmm! Man, this is good.� He now had an orangish moustache. Taking a sip from his soda, he burped loudly. “Oh, excuse me! I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Usually I can burp a lot louder than this.�
“I’m having the best time ever,� Vince sighed dreamily as Draco proceeded to wipe the meatballs with his hair gel and swallowed them.
***
The Death Eaters were frozen to the ground. A chill came over their bodies as the dementors moved closer.
“Well, well, well, what have we here?� the nearest one spoke. As he lowered his hood, the Death Eaters recognized him as the leprechaun-obsessed Irish-dancing coach. However, he wasn’t his happy, Barney-the-green-dinosaur usual self. His face was contorted with cold fury, one that looked very familiar…
It was the exact same look the Dark Lord always wore when he was displeased.
“You…� Bellatrix gasped. “YOU’RE the Head Dementor?�
“That’s right.�
“But…but…� Lucius sputtered. “I can explain!�
“Explain?� the HD (Head Dementor) looked at him coldly. “No, no need of that, Mr. Malfoy. I can see plainly as day what is going on here.�
“Y-you can?� Lucius gulped. Oh, the agony of being tossed into a pot of love!
“Yes, I can!� the HD thundered. “I’ve been watching you, Malfoy. You know why I got that 50% off hideous leprechaun suit from Rich & Macy’s for the Thanksgiving sale? And why I signed up for disgraceful and inappropriate so-called Irish dancing?�
“Because your parole officer told you to?�
“Well, partly,� the HD muttered. “Said it would lighten my spirits and help me make new friends… the alternative was to ride in the Macy’s thanksgiving parade…I WILL NOT BE DISTRACTED! You know why I did all those STUPENDOUS things?�
“Uh-uh.� Lucius shook his head.
“So I could have a better excuse of watching you, you dimwit! You were my science fair project, Malfoy. You had a problem, a hypothesis, materials and procedures, observation and conclusion! You were a gold mine of data! YOU WERE PLANNING TO XEROX MY BUTT, WEREN’T YOU?!�
“Aha! I knew it!� Nancy the Dementor suddenly cried.
HD swirled around. “W-what are you talking about?� he suddenly sounded nervous.
Nancy pointed a shaking finger at him. “You’re-you’re…� she cried dramatically, tears streaking from her hideous and contorted face. “A SCIENCE GEEK!�
“NOOOOOO! It’s not what you think!� HD cried, but Nancy had turned around, sobbing, and fled from the cell. The HD chased after her without hesitation, yelling, “NANCY! WAAAAIT! I CAN EXPLAAAAAIN!�
The dementors looked at each other. “What do we do now?� one of them asked.
“You’re supposed to do whatever your Head does,� Lucius reminded. “Remember? The Dementors Interest Club Handbook, Part III, Section B, Number 234?�
“Oh, yeah!� realization dawned on them. “NANCY! WAAAAIT! I CAN EXPLAAAAAIN!� they yelled as one and chased the HD and Nancy out the cell.
“LET’S GET OUTTA THIS MADHOUSE!� Andy Dolohov yelled, and the Death Eaters all scrambled out of the cell and to the edge of the island, where they found that they were surrounded by water.
“What do we do?� Bellatrix wailed.
“Look! A boat!� Macnair yelled, pointing at a brown object under a tree.
“He’s right!� Lucius ran to it. “I think it’s big enough for all of us. Come on, jump in, everybody!�
They jumped in…
And heard a great whirring noise around them.
Everything began to spin and twirl. Lucius suddenly realized that…
“IT’S A PORTKEY!� he yelled.
***
“Victor.�
“Vincent.�
“That’s what I said. Victor. Wouldn’t you agree that Vincent is the most hideous name in the world?�
“Uh…huh.�
“I know! It’s so retarded! What kind of sick name is Vincent?�
Vince laughed unnaturally. “I know. Anyway, what food do you like?�
“Well…� Draco took a bite of the onion and leaned closer to Vince, breathing venomous onion breath all over his face. “I certainly like onions.�
“…�
“And…� Draco gulped the onion down and took out a rotten egg from his robes. “Don’t you just love rotten eggs? They have the best taste in the world!�
“…�
Draco popped the egg into his mouth.
[inside Draco/Cho’s body]
Stomach: AAAHHH! We can’t take any more disgusting food!
Rotten egg: mwhahaahahahah!
Esophagus: Arr-arr, captain! The ship! She’s going to blow!
Stomach: Five—four—three—two—one—
[stomach explodes]
[outside]
“I…CAN’T…TAKE…IT…ANY…MORE…�
Draco threw up all over Vince’s body.
“I’m so sorry!� he gasped at Vince, who was covered from head to toe in rotten egg, onions, garlic, macaroni and cheese from three weeks before, mustard from a year before, and many other things smelling so foul that people in Siberia, China, and the United States fainted dead when they sniffed the incredible disgusting odor. As for Madam Rosmerta and all of the other couples in the Three Broomsticks…well, let’s just say that they’re not very…er…well.
Vince, who was still stunned, looked up at Draco speechlessly.
“Thank you.� He said finally.
Draco groaned. He couldn’t take it anymore. “Wow, you sure do take a throw-up well.� He cut the cheese with a noise as great as the collapse of a 44-story building and an odor greater than the one that he had just created. “But not as well as my boyfriend.�
“You have a boyfriend?�
“Yeah. Michael Corner. And also there’s this other guy…�
“Cho?�
“Yeah?�
“I love you.�
“…� Draco wanted to pound himself on the head.
“But…�
“…� Draco just wanted to die.
“I don’t think it’s working out.�
“…� Draco’s head popped up. “W-why?� he asked, stunned.
“Because…you’re turning blonde. I don’t like blondes.�
Draco looked down at his hair. “Oh my gosh…� he whispered. It really WAS turning blonde.
He was turning back to his old self!
Vince had just broken up with him/Cho!
“Well…that’s okay. Gotta go!� he grabbed his purse and tore out of the place.
***
“So how was the date?� Greg asked innocently as he came around the booth and looked at Vince, who was still dripping from vomit.
“I thought you died from the odor,� Vince said, surprised.
“Yeah, well, I had my gas mask on,� Greg said casually. He took a banana out from his pants and ate it. “As I said, how was the date?�
“She was awesome. I mean, she felt right at home with me!�
“So how come you two didn’t hit it off?�
“She turned blonde. I don’t like blondes.�
“Why not?�
“Hello? Haven’t you read all those blonde muggle jokes?�
“Were they required reading?�
“No, I just happened to pick them up at the library. Here’s one: She’s so blonde that she thinks a quarterback is a refund.�
“Oh! You mean those. I got one. She thinks Taco Bell is a phone company.�
“She stared at the orange juice for twenty minutes because it said ‘Concentrate’.�
“She starved to death at Kroger!�
“That…wasn’t…funny.� Vince stuck out his tongue. “Anyway, I got to go change. See ya, man.�
“Later, brother.�
***
Draco transformed completely back into himself when he was in his secret hideout (The Room), and Cho’s body was hanging limply in his arms. The problem was that his other body that had gone limp and lost when his spirit left it was still limp and lost, and he didn’t know how to find and get back into his other body or how to revive the Cho body which seemed to be spiritless. He had been too busy locating the spell to know how to change back.
He looked down absent-mindedly and gasped.
Frolickin’ Merlin!
His upper body was himself, with slick blonde hair and pointy chin, while his lower body was Cho’s, which was wearing the most hideous FRENCH MAID COSTUME!
CRASH!
Someone crashed into the room through the window glass. Draco looked up to see some Ministry of Magic workers.
“All right, young man,� one of them said sternly. “You’re under arrest.�
“For what?� Draco cried.
“I don’t know, they never tell me. They don’t even give me DOUGHNUTS!�
“I’ll take it from here, Howie,� another worker said. “You’re Draco Malfoy?�
“Yessir.�
The worker eyed him curiously. “What’s with the French maid costume?�
“I don’t know!�
“Well, take it off! It’s damaging to the eye!�
“I can’t!� Draco wailed. “I’m not wearing any pants!�
“You’re serious?�
“YES, I’M SERIOUS! NOW TELL ME WHAT I’M ARRESTED FOR!�
“You are arrested for casting the Imperious Spell on Cho Chang, a fellow Hogwarts student.� The worker looked at Cho’s limp body. “Ballerina-dancin’ Merlin! You’ve gone and killed her!�
“No!� Draco cried. “At least I…I don’t think so,� he faltered.
“Is she alive, then?�
“I don’t know.� Draco poked her body. It didn’t stir.
“Well then, I’m afraid we’ll have to…�
“Wait!� Draco cried, getting an idea. “You can’t arrest me!�
“And why in Tutu-wearin’ Merlin’s name can’t I?�
“Because I’m only HALF Draco Malfoy!�
“You’re WHAT?�
“Okay, look, I did this spell, and it turned me into her, but then when the spell wore off it only turned half of me back, and the other half is still her! Get it?�
“I think so.� The worker furrowed his eyebrows. “But how do we know for sure that you’re only half you?�
“Don’t even go there,� Draco warned.
“All right.� The worker shrugged. “But what about the girl?�
“She was a prep,� Draco said.
“Okay. Bye then.� The workers rode their brooms out of the window and into the sky.
Draco sat down and considered three things. One: How to get out of this freakish half-boy half-girl body. Two: How to revive Cho. Three: How to find his lost body.
And some other things:
Five: How to get out of going to a muggle school. Six: How to cure Greg’s creepy banana-crazed maniac state. Seven: How to go to the farewell ceremony without looking like a freak moron.
“AAAAHHH!� he moaned and fell back on a cushion. This is just TOO MUCH!

A/N: Voldemort’s evil plan spells out B-U-T-T-E-R T-H-E B-R-O-W-N-I-E-S. Very random!

Chapter 8 Farewell, Hogwarts

“I’m dead, I’m dead, I’m dead I’m dead I’m dead!�
Draco hummed to himself while he absent-mindedly changed for the Farewell Ceremony. His dormitory was more crowded than usual. Vince was reading from a spellbook, trying to place his “delightful� memory of his date with Cho (Draco) into a toilet, the closest substitute for a pensieve. Greg was, as usual, gobbling down bananas and casting peels all over the floor. Theo Snot was shaving his nonexistent armpit hair. The two other Slytherin sixth-year boys, Mojo Jojo and Mac Flint (the younger brother of Marcus Flint) were playing wizard chess, screaming “CHECKMATE� at the top of their lungs every time they made a move.
Just then someone burst into the dormitory. Draco yelped when he saw Pansy Parkinson diving onto him and knocked him flat to the ground. He jumped up and cautiously moved away from her. “H-hello, P-Pansy. What brings you to our neck of the woods?�
“Huh?� Pansy stared at him.
“N-never mind.� Draco moved farther away. “Uh, what do you need?�
“To give you your present, Draco dear!� Pansy said cheerfully, approaching him. She handed him a neatly-wrapped package. “I figured that since the Farewell Ceremony’s tonight and you’re going away tomorrow that I wouldn’t be able to see you again, so I brought you your present now. Go on, open it!�
“Note to self: find a lock for the dorm door,� Draco muttered to himself. He tore off the red-and-gold wrapping paper to find a box inside. He removed the lid of the box, reached inside, and took out a roll of toilet paper. Half of it had already been used.
“Um…� Draco looked at it, slightly shocked. “Is it radioactive or something?�
“No, silly,� Pansy laughed. “It’s your present! Do you like it?�
“Yeah, sure, it’s lovely,� Draco said quickly. “It was EXACTLY what I wanted…yeah, well, uh, thanks very much, Pansy, you have a nice day now. Go on, leave me to enjoy my nice new present in peace.�
“Okay!� she bounded off. “Merry Christmas, Draco!�
“Christmas?� Vince was shocked. “I thought that wasn’t until February 3rd.�
“CHECKMATE!!!!! Everyone knows Christmas is on May 16th, you dimwit. CHECKMATE!!!!� Mojo put in.
Draco, however, had more important things on his mind. The limp body of Cho was hidden under his covers, as he couldn’t risk anyone finding her. He and Greg were the only people at Hogwarts who knew about the Manipulemencius Spell he performed on her. No one had noticed her absence yet, as she had only gone on the date four hours ago, but someone was bound to get suspicious if she didn’t return by midnight.
There was only one thing for him to do.
“Greg,� Draco whispered, beckoning for him to come over.
Greg came to sit on the covers. “Careful!� Draco hissed. “You’re sitting on her face!�
“Oh, sorry.� Greg moved his bottom. “I thought something was a little uncomfortable.�
“I’m going to have to get back into her body again,� Draco said.
“What? Why?�
“Her friends will get suspicious if she doesn’t return,� Draco said. “I’m going to have to spend the night in her dorm as her. That way everyone will think everything’s fine.�
Greg scratched his nose. “But you can’t be her forever. We’re leaving tomorrow.�
“I’ll tell her friends that I’m going home to see my sick dad or something.�
“What about the teachers?�
“Bah! Stop WORRYING, Greg! Everything’s going to turn out fine!�
“But…�
“No but(t)s,� Draco pointed at his captain’s quarters. “We have to get her body out of here to transform.�
“But everyone’s in here. How’re we going to get past all these people carrying an unconscious Ravenclaw girl?�
“We’ll…� Draco scratched his head and got an idea. “We’ll wrap her up in the blanket and tell everyone that we’re taking the blanket down to laundry.�
“Do they even do laundry at Hogwarts?� Greg questioned. “I thought it was a muggle thing.�
“Oh, come on, Slytherins are the thickest people in the world! No one’s going to know.�
“O…kay.�
“Now help me wrap her.�
They face away from the other Slytherins as they quietly rolled Cho around in the blanket. It looked like a big cocoon.
“How about I carry her head, and you do the feet?�
“No, not a good idea. People’ll get suspicious. I’ll carry her on my shoulder.�
“Are you sure? She’s pretty heavy. And you never work out.�
“SHUT UP!�
Draco loaded the big roll of blankets on his shoulder. It was indeed very heavy, and he could feel the part containing Cho’s upper body bending over his shoulder. He looked simply ridiculous.
“Where’re you going, Draco?� Mac asked absent-mindedly. “CHECKMATE!�
“Oh, um, laundry,� Draco said. “I’m fighting something. Well, see you guys later!�
They carried the body out to The Room, Draco stopping and panting heavily after every thirty steps or so, wishing he’d worked out more often. When they finally reached The Room and closed the door behind them, Greg decided that they couldn’t do this.
“We couldn’t do this.�
“Why not?� Draco glared at him.
“There’s still the Farewell Ceremony. What are people going to say if you don’t show up?�
“Oh dear, I forgot.� Draco sat down and tapped at his forehead. “I know! I need a book on how to create clones.�
The bookshelf was instantly filled with books. Draco picked up a heavy spellbook and flipped through it. “This is it, Greg! Say this incantation after me: Clonis.�
“Clonis.� Greg repeated.
“When you wish to clone someone, say ‘Clonis’ and the name of the person you wish to clone. Go on, make a second Draco!�
“Okay. Clonis Draco Malfoy.�
Another Draco instantly appeared. He stood still there, not blinking, breathing or making any human sound.
Draco checked the book. “Okay, the clone can only say three sentences. You have to pick the three sentences. Um…he can say…I see a big lobster.�
“I see a big lobster.� the clone repeated.
“Second sentence: I ate your grandparents!� Greg said.
“I ate your grandparents!� the clone chirped.
“Greg!�
“What? It’s funny!�
“Well, here’s something funnier! You’ve put on a lot of weight!�
“You’ve put on a lot of weight!� the clone repeated.
“Ugh,� Draco sighed. “Look what we’ve done…he’s going to sound ridiculous!�
“I ate your grandparents,� the clone said to Draco.
“Uhh…�
***
“Welcome, all, to the Farewell Ceremony!� Dumbledore cried, raising his goblet. The entire Hall joined him by cheering and applausing. “We will proceed with our events for this evening later, but now, let the feast BEGIN-BEGIN-BEGIN-begin! (that was an echo)�
The three of them ate with the teachers at a table in the center. Greg was careful to lead the clone over to sit next to him. “Eat,� he hissed into the clone’s ear, and it automatically began to shove food in its mouth.
“Oh, there comes Professor Trelawney,� Professor Dumbledore said, pointing toward the doorway.
Professor Trelawney was indeed arriving. She was wrapped in her scarf and hurrying toward the table.
“I see a big lobster,� the clone said loudly when Trelawney reached them.
Everyone turned bright red. McGonagall snorted into her pudding, and Trelawney tried to hide her incensed look.
“You seem to be enjoying the feast, Mr. Malfoy,� Dumbledore mused to the clone. “Why, you must be hungry.�
“I ate your grandparents.�
Dumbledore’s eyebrows shot up. “You must be VERY hungry.�
�He’s all hopped up on allergy medicine,� Greg told the table nervously.
“Oh, poor dear. Are you quite all right, Mr. Malfoy?� Professor Sprout asked.
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.� The clone eyed her.
“Why don’t we just eat?� Dumbledore said quickly. “Mr. Malfoy seems to be on a short-tempered fuse.�
“YOU’VE put on a lot of weight,� the clone addressed Dumbledore seriously.
“Really? I thought 2 pushups a day would help bring it down.�
“I see a big lobster!� the clone teased Dumbledore’s body weight.
“That’s IT!� all the teachers ran out of the Great Hall. The students followed. Dumbledore was heard to be sobbing loudly.
“That was very mean, Draco II,� Greg said to the clone.
“I ate your grandparents!�
“UGH!� Greg grabbed the clone’s arm and dragged him out of the Great Hall. “You need a good night’s sleep.�
***
“Oh my gosh, that deserved an award on America’s Funniest Home Videos!� Marietta Edgecombe shrieked as she and Draco walked up to Ravenclaw tower.
“Heh…that Draco Malfoy sure was funny, wasn’t he?� Draco laughed unnaturally.
“I mean, I ate your grandparents? That was a classic!�
“Too bad we never got to use what…we were supposed to bring.�
“Yeah, I know. We were going to toss the water balloons at the Three Muggleteers.�
Draco breathed his silent relief.
“Yo, what up, chicas,� the Gray Lady greeted them as they approached her portraight. She was wearing heavy black eyeshadow and black nails. “How you doin’?�
“Ah, we’re cool, man,� Marietta said, sounding very ghetto at the moment. “How ‘bout ‘choo?�
“Ne’er been be’er, sista. Gimme da password, yo.�
“Goin’ Ghetto Goth,� Marietta supplied the password.
“Right on, man.� The Gray Lady opened her portrait, and the two of them climbed in.
“Oh, guess what, Chonnie? I rearranged our dorm today. You are so going to love it.�
“I’m sure I…will.�
Marietta pushed the door open. Draco’s jaw fell.
There were pink, white and blue ponies everywhere. Big, bright and colorful flowers covered the walls, along with a thousand pink and white hearts. The bedsheets were all pink, and the only masculine thing was Cho’s pillow (A Hello Kitty Action Figure).
“Isn’t it the cutest thing in the world, girl?�
“Er…yeah. Real cute.�
Marietta giggled. “Anyway, Janet, Millie, you and I are having a little slumber party tonight. We’re going to put on makeup, play Barbies, do each other’s hair and nails, and we’ll play Truth or Dare.�
“I’m really looking forward to it.�
***
“Ugh!� the Death Eaters landed with heavy thuds on woodtile floor. Lucius Malfoy leapt up from the floor and stood up. He looked around the vacant room until he heard a voice behind him.
“Welcome, servants.�
“Master!� Lucius gasped. They gaped at Voldemort, who had bright red skin. “Whatever happened to you?� (in the words of clone Draco Malfoy: I see a big lobster.)
“I fell asleep in the tanning salon,� Voldemort growled. “But never mind that…you have just arrived at our newest secret headquarters. Memorize the address carefully: Number Eleven Grimmauld Place, London. Now…on to discuss our…or rather, MY newest evil plan to take over the world.�
“I remember it started with butte,� Crabbe piped up.
“SILENCE! CRUCIO!�
Crabbe jerked and twisted on the floor from the painful impact of the Cruciatus Curse.
“Wait,� Voldemort said suddenly. “It DOES start with butte. Sorry, Crabbe.�
“I-it’s all right,� Crabbe moaned as he got up.
“What does butte mean, master?� Andy asked.
“What does butte mean? Butte’s not the entire plan, Antonin. There’s more than just butte. Somebody make me stop saying butte.�
“Silencio?� Crabbe suggested.
“BE QUIET!�
“Oof!� Crabbe got whacked in the stomach by a giant frying pan that Voldemort got from the kitchen counter.
“Anyway…my plan DID start with butte, which is the first part of Butter the Brownies, but since I was starved at the time, my brain went senile and I thought out this crazy plan. But now I have a brand new, improvised plan!�
“What is it?�
“You know that new foreign exchange program going on at Hogwarts?�
“Yeah.�
“Well, we’re going to put the Imperious Curse on those foreign students coming into Hogwarts, and we’ll use them as tools to get into Hogwarts and take over it. Isn’t that a great plan?�
A cricket chirped in the distance.
“Well,� Voldemort said, ignoring the silence. “Let’s have dinner. Sheldon! SHELDON!�
“Mas’er?� a man in a checkered apron came over to them. He was short, stout, and slightly balding with a big red nose. “Yessir, what do you need, sir?� he regarded the Death Eaters and exclaimed, “My, mas’er, you didn’t tell me we was having some guests tonight! I s’pose we’ll manage with three turkeys, then.�
“Who are you?� Bellatrix questioned.
The short man jumped around as though surprised and shook her hand energetically. “’Ello, ‘ello, my good lady! I must say, how particularly vile and revolting you are looking today!�
“Why, thank you, sir.� Bellatrix smiled at him. “It means so much to hear a nice compliment.�
“Sheldon, get your butt out of here if you don’t want it kicked,� Voldemort said through gritted teeth.
“Aw, come on now, you don’t mean that, do you, Tommy?� Sheldon turned to him. He turned back to the Death Eaters and said, “Don’t mind him, he’s really a darling soul usually. Tommy-boy, I promise you we will find that teddy bear.�
“His name is BOBBY!� Voldemort yelled. “Go make those turkeys!�
Sheldon walked off with a shrug. Seething, Voldemort turned to the Death Eaters. “He’s senile.�
“Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love you, tomorrow…� Sheldon burst into song in the next room.
***
“Hey, Draco, you were hilarious at the ceremony,� Mojo told the clone.
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.� The clone responded clearly.
“Where?� Mojo gasped and hastened to the bathroom.
“Wow, Draco,� Theo Snot said. “You’ve been talking really weird lately. Did you eat something bad?�
“I ate your grandparents.�
“Come on, go wash up for bed,� Greg muttered to the clone.
“I see a big lobster.�
“GO!�
The clone went inside the washroom.
AN ETERNITY LATER
“Draco! What the heck is taking you so long?� Greg burst into the washroom. The clone was standing there, staring into the toilet. “I see a big lobster.�
“Can’t you say something else?� Greg yelled.
“You’ve put on a lot of weight!�
Greg shoved the clone headfirst into the toilet. “Have fun with Moaning Myrtle!�
“I…ate…your…GRANDPARENTS!� the clone yelled as it disappeared into the U-bend.
“And good riddance,� Greg muttered as he washed his hands and returned to the dorm.
***
“Oh, girls, I brought the CUTEST Barbie Malibu Dream House EVER!� Millie squealed.
“NO WAY!� Janet responded. “I got the talking Barbie townhouse!�
“NOOOOO WAAAAYYYYY!!!!!!!�
“What about you, Chonnie?� Marietta asked Draco. “Do you have your Barbie accessories?�
“Yeah.� Draco reached under Cho’s bed and pulled out a box. He had taken an opportunity to explore her room and had discovered all of Cho’s barbie things. There was a Barbie vacation home, a Ken doll with a flattened head and a twisted arm (apparently Barbie’s new boyfriend, Blane or Dwayne or whatever his name is had engaged him in a fight over the plastic-headed internal-organless blonde and had gotten the better of him), and piles of clothes.
“Excellent!� the other three girls squealed. “Let’s play house!�
“Yay!� Millie pulled out a baby doll from her box. “This is going to be the baby boy. What should we name him?�
“Let’s call him X-man,� Draco suggested.
The other three stared at him. “That’s no name for a baby boy!� Marietta exclaimed. “You might as well call him the teenage mutant Ninja turtle!�
“That’s not too bad,� Draco shrugged.
“Boy, you’re acting kind of strange tonight, Chonnie,� Janet said. “Well, girls, should we name him Harry, Michael, or Terry?�
“You mean after Harry Potter, Michael Corner or Terry Boot?� Millie squealed.
“Exactly!� they burst into wild giggles.
“Why don’t you name him after Draco Malfoy?� Draco suggested.
“After that hairball?� Marietta said disdainfully.
“I know!� Millie exclaimed. “Draco Malfoy is SUCH a slut!�
“I heard his dad’s spending time in the slammer,� Janet said.
“His family’s no good,� Marietta said. “I heard they eat each other’s toenails.�
“Eww! I heard that they steal the toddlers’ milk at day care centers.�
“That’s so inhumane!� Janet exclaimed. Then much to Draco’s relief, she said, “Well, let’s not talk about Draco Malfoy anymore. We still have to name the baby boy, remember?�
“How about Pinhead Larry?�
“That’s good. Now Chonnie, you get the mum…Hermione, and Millie, you get the dad…Harry. He looks all messed up because he’s just gone to Wal-Mart during a major diaper-sellout. I’ll get baby Pinhead Larry and the big boy Ryan, and Marie can get Ron …because he’s in a love triangle with Hermione and Harry.�
“Wow, Janet, you are so creative,� Draco said.
“Thanks. Now let’s began. We can use the townhouse.�

Hermione stands in the kitchen, making rolls for dinner. Harry bursts into the kitchen, covered in bandages and major injuries.
Hermione: (gasp) Harry, what happened?
Harry: I came back from Wal-Mart during a major diaper-sellout.
Hermione: (tonelessly) Oh, no. Now Larry’s going to have a rash.
Harry: I did get corn starch, though.
Hermione: Harry?
Harry: Hermione?
Hermione: That’s flour.
Harry: (laughs nervously and scratches scalp) Well, uh, Hermione dear, uh, you see, uh, I really don’t have any experience in things of this matter, ESPECIALLY IF I DON’T KNOW IF IT’S MY OWN BABY!
Hermione: What are you saying?
Harry: What do you think I’m saying?
Hermione: I think you’re saying what I think you’re saying!
Harry: What do you think I think I’m saying?
Hermione: I think you think that I think you’re thinking what I think you’re saying!
Ron comes in.
Ron: Hey, what’s up, everybody?
Harry: (points to Ron) YOU!
Ron: I swear I didn’t mean to do it!
Hermione: (gasp) RON!
Harry: (gasp) RON!
Ron: I’m sorry!
Harry: I cannot believe you would do something like that!
Ron: (breaks down and starts crying) I’m sorry! I’m really sorry! I didn’t mean to do it!
Hermione: How could you tell him?
Ron: He was wearing a threatening look!
Harry: So you admit it, Ron?
Ron: Yes, I do. Please forgive me, Harry. I really didn’t mean to do it!
Harry: Wait. What did you do?
Ron: I ATE THE LAST CUPCAKE IN THE REFRIDGERATOR!
(Ron runs out of the house howling)

“That’s completely ridiculous,� Draco interrupted. “Why did you incorporate a happy family scene into a lamenting, frilly soap opera?�
“Why don’t we just move on to makeup?� Janet said with a sigh.
***
“I feel ABSOLUTELY ridiculous,� Draco muttered. He was wearing 60 POUNDS of makeup, which was at least 100 lbs less than the amount that the other girls were wearing. His nails were practically sweating from the thick sparkling nail polish. All he wanted to do was die.
“Now…gather ‘round in a circle, girls,� Marietta turned off the lights, and they sat down in a circle with Marietta holding a flashlight. “Now, we’ll play Truth or Dare, and whoever’s turn it is, they take the flashlight. Get ready to tell your DEEPEST, DARKEST SECRETS. Whoooooooo…�
“Marietta? Please, just get on with it.�
“All right,� Marietta reluctantly agreed. She grinned mischieviously at Janet. “Janet, truth or dare?�
“Dare.� Janet said.
“All right. I dare you to lick Chonnie’s feet for two minutes straight.�
“Ew!� Draco cried, hugging his feet to himself.
“It’s okay, Chonnie,� Janet said. “I really hope you washed it.�
(Draco: WASHED IT?! What am I, some sort of hygiene-crazed maniac?!)
Janet tugged Draco/Cho’s foot and licked it. Draco grimaced when he felt the wet tongue on his bare feet. He decided to blank out for two minutes.
After two minutes of black-out, Janet turned to Draco. “Your turn, Chonnie,� she said. “Truth or dare?�
“Truth,� Draco said immediately, not wanting to lick feet.
“Hmm…� Janet considered for a moment. “Who’s hotter: Johnny Depp or Gary Oldman?�
***
Draco, Vince and Greg’s bags were already packed and loaded onto the Knight Bus when they arrived at the school platform. Everyone was there. “Bye, Draco!� “Have a nice time!� “See you guys soon!�
Señor Snape was blowing his nose on a large red hankerchief and waving misty-eyed at the Three Muggleteers. Professor McGonagall wore a sort of dazed grin on her face. And Dumbledore was waving at them as well. “Have a nice trip!� he hollered to them.
“It’s time,� Mrs. Royal said. They climbed aboard (Draco had stored Cho’s body in one of his trunks containing bottles of ink) and waved at their fellow students.
Ernie stepped hard on the gas. They drove onto the road and fast into the countryside.
“Goodbye! Goodbye!� Vince called, waving at Hogwarts.
Draco crossed his arms. This was going to be a very fateful trip.
He just hoped that the bottles of ink wouldn’t break and dye Cho Chang’s body a different color. That would be very hard to wash off.

Chapter 9 Greetings, America!

“Near…far…wherever you are…�
“Stan! STAN!� Greg’s sleepy head poked its way out of his blankets. “Could you turn off that Celine Dion CD, PLEASE?�
“CD? Wha’choo talkin’ about, CD? That was me singing.�
“Top of the morning, all!� Draco yawned and kicked his covers off.
“Will you shut up, boy?� Ernie barked from the front. “I’m ASLEEP, for Pete’s sake!�
“Boy, someone’s in a cranky mood,� Draco said. “Hey, Vince, wake up!�
A corner (it was hard to tell which)of Vince’s face surfaced from the layers of blankets on his bed. “Why?�
“Because it’s…� Draco checked his watch. “11:31 in the morning.�
“You woke me up THIS early?� Vince grumbled. He sank down into his covers once again.
“Hey, blondie, you’re blocking my soap,� Madam Marsh called from the back.
“Blondie…� a wizard with newts in a cage chuckled. “That’s a good one, Marsh. Blondie. Heh. Blondie.�
“Let’s tell Blonde jokes,� Greg suggested. “Here’s a really good one: she’s so blonde she starved to death in…�
“KROGER!� the whole bus roared. “HAHAHAHAHA!�
Greg turned to Vince’s bed smugly. “Now THESE people appreciate good humour.�
�Once…more…you opened the door…and you’re here…�
A roar came from Ernie’s direction and blew everyone’s hair on ends.
“That was Lionese for ‘shut up’,� Stan explained in a weak voice from under a bed.
“Are we almost there yet, Ernie?� Greg asked, eating a banana (as usual).
“I reckon so.� Ernie turned the steering wheel so violently that they crashed headfirst into a streetside theater.
“Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?� Romeo was saying to Juliet. “Thou are more lovely and more temporate.�
The bus hit him hard.
“Rough winds do shake…OH MY GOSH I’VE JUST BEEN HIT BY AN INVISIBLE BUS!� the actor smacked into the glass right before Ernie’s face. “Ooomph!� his face was smushed. (A/N: This was what inspired the scene of Harry smacking into glass in PoA.)
“AHHHHHHHHH!� Ernie screamed at the sight of a smushed face on the other side of the glass. He crashed into the set this time. Bags of flour used to make snow (don’t know why they have that) fell onto the bus and made it white. Now everyone could see it.
The hood of the bus began to cave in from the masses of flour. Then it formed a crack, and another, and another, and another. “OOOOMMMPPHHH!� flour rained into the bus. Everyone was covered in flour.
“Hey! We’re covered in flour!� Stan yelled. “Guess what we’re going to do now?�
“We’re going to wash off and cart you and Ernie over to the asylum?� Draco took a wild guess.
“No! We’re going to have a celebration!� Stan cried. “OOOMPA!�
He dumped a whole pound of flour onto Draco.
“OOOOOMMMPA!� Draco poured a bowl of flour onto Greg.
“OOOOOOOOMMMMPPPAAAA!� Greg dumped flour onto Vince, and soon everyone was dumping flour on each other and crying “OOOOMMMPPPAAA!�
Meanwhile, the Muggle audience just stared at an invisible/white flour-covered bus that had just crashed into the theater, hit Romeo, now caved in by masses of flour and morons in it, throwing flour at each other and yelling “OOOOMMMPAAA� at each other.
“All hail the Greeks!�
“OOOOOMMMPA!�
***
“Tom,� Sheldon came into the dining room, where Voldemort and all the Death Eaters were eating a great big luxurious dinner. “There’s something I have to tell you.�
“Yeah? What’s it about?� Voldemort mumbled through a mouthful of turkey.
“Bobby.�
“Bobby?!� Voldemort fled from his chair and gripped Sheldon’s collar. “My bear? What about him?�
“Well…he…�
“No!� Voldemort cried. “You DIDN’T give him away to charity!�
“Oh, no, it’s much worse,� Sheldon said.
“What? Oh, Sheldon, tell me!�
“Well…�
Sheldon gingerly reached behind his back and pulled out a tangled ball of stained cotton.
“He messed up my knitting?� Voldemort guessed blankly.
“No, Tommy, he didn’t,� Sheldon’s voice broke. “He…I…I didn’t know he had to be dry-cleaned…and since he was so dirty…I put him in the washing machine…I thought that he’d be all right in there…�
“He messed up my washing machine?�
“No. Tommy, I’m so sorry…the washing machine destroyed Bobby.�
Everyone in Australia, South Korea and Oregon swore that they heard a great noise that day sounding somewhat like this:
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!�
And another one like this:
“BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!�

In no particular order.

“Tom…� Sheldon patted Voldemort’s back sadly. “I know. He was a gift to the world. He was a wonderful bear and the world’s greatest whoopee cushion.�
Voldemort smiled through his tears. “Boy, those were some memories, huh?�
[flashback]
Voldemort sat down on Bobby. Bobby made a farting noise.
[another flashback]
Voldemort sat down on Bobby. Bobby made a farting noise.
[flashback #3]
Voldemort sat down on Bobby. Bobby made a farting noise.
[flashback #4]
Voldemort sat down on Bobby. Bobby made a farting noise.
[flashes back to present]
“Wait,� Bellatrix interrupted. She rose and came to stand beside Voldemort and Sheldon. “I have an idea. I’m a master at sewing…�
“Liar,� Rodulphus Lestrange coughed from the table.
Bellatrix ignored him. “Perhaps if I had a picture, I could sew Bobby back to life again.�
“You WILL?� Voldemort cried. “Oh, Bella, this is so wonderful! But…I’m afraid we can’t.�
“Why not?� Lucius asked.
“Because we need to mourn for Bobby first. There is a forty-day lamenting period for dead teddy bears. Don’t you watch the Discovery channel?�
“You mean we’re having an Egyptian ceremony and we’ll mummify him?� Lucius asked.
“’Zactly,� Voldemort said. “He will have a funeral as grand as a king’s.�
“I wish Bobby was here to see this,� Lucius said.
***
“Well, here you are, boys,� Ernie said. Stan helped load the luggage off the bus, and Draco, Vince and Greg descended. “Good luck!�
“Remember,� Draco muttered to Vince and Greg. “We can’t tell anyone we’re wizards. They’re all muggles here.�
“Hello,� said a man beside Vince.
“WE CAN DO MAGIC!� Vince screeched.
Draco laughed nervously. “Tricks!� he ended the sentence for Vince. “That’s right, we’re magicians on the go. Nice to meet you sir, good day, and have a nice life.�
“You almost gave us away!� Greg hissed to Vince.
“Sorry,� Vince whispered. “This is a big place.�
He was right. They were standing in the middle of a big, busy airport. People were going every which way around them. “Where are we going again?� Vince asked.
“We’re supposed to meet a Mr. Turner here,� Draco said.
“Ooh, look!� Greg pointed in a direction. There was a big banner that said MALFOY CRABBE AND GOYLE OVER HERE.
“Thanks for distracting us, Gregory,� Vince said angrily. “Now help us look for Mr. Turner.�
“No, you ding-dong, that IS Mr. Turner!� the three of them dragged their luggage over to the banner. Three men and a woman were waiting there. “Hi!� the woman said first. She was short and slender, with a headful of dark curls. “You must be Draco, Gregory and Vincent. I’m the secretary, Vicky Bartley.�
“I’m allergic to deodorant,� Vince blurted out.
“Pardon him,� Draco said, smiling fakely. “The heat’s got him.�
“I’m Mr. Turner,� a dark-haired man in a grey suit greeted them. “I’m the school principal.�
“And I’m the assistant principal Mr. Wojtzceicv,� said a redhaired man.
“And I’m the Sophomore counselor Mr. Booby,� said a blonde man. “You can call me Mr. Booby.�
“Nice to meet you all,� Draco said.
“Oh, listen to that GORGEOUS British accent,� Vicky said. “Well, we’d better go. We’re taking you to meet the family you’ll be staying with.�
“Oh boy, I can’t wait,� Draco muttered.
***
The house they were staying at turned out to be a two-story small brick house with a small front yard and no backyard. The father of the household was a tall, muscular bald guy named Carl McHoho, and his wife Mrs. Ellie McHoho, who had the same physical features as her husband (except for the bald part). The McHohos had buck teeth, straw hats, smoked occasional tobacco, patched suspenders, and bare feet. They also had a strong southern accent.
“Howdy, y’all! We’re the McHohos!� Carl drawled, his pipe sliding out of his mouth. Ellie pushed it back in. “Would y’all like to see your rooms?� (he pronounced ‘like’ like ‘lack’ and ‘rooms’ like ‘row-ums’.)
“Naw, not rat this minute, Carl,� Ellie said. “They’d lack to meet the chil’un first.�
“I rat forgawt,� Carl slapped a hand to his bald shiny forehead. “Nerd! Lizbeth! Heathcliff!�
Three children popped up behind him like poptarts from a toaster. The tallest one was a nerd. “A’m Nerdy Ned,� he introduced himself. “Ma fav’rite subjects are hist’ry, chemistry, an’ ba-ology, with a bit o’ geometry on the sad.�
“Nice to meet you, Nerd,� Greg said.
“OOOMPH!� Nerd was shoved off to one side quite like the Romeo actor being smushed against the bus window. Lizbeth was next. She was plump and freckly. “Howdy, A’m Lizbeth. A’m ‘llergic to school.�
“Which is wha we have her homeschooled,� Ellie added. “Ba me.� (Just pronounce the words like they are spelled and you’ll see!)
The last kid, presumably Heathcliff, shot up. He was a chubby bulldog.
“That’s your kid?� Greg was taken back.
“He looks just like Ellie,� Vince said.
“No, that’s our dawg, but he eats at the table with us.� Ellie explained. “We have another kid, but he ain’t important. Or is it a she?�
“It’s definitely a he,� Lizbeth said. “See, his name’s Howie.�
“I’m afraid you’re quite incorrect, Elizabeth,� Nerd said. “Every intelligent human being should know that Howie is, in fact, a common name for females.�
“Oh yeah? What’s it short for?�
“Howard.�
“Oh, quit arguin’, kids!� Ellie threw her hands up in the air and smacked Carl’s face with her right hand. He went “ooomph� and fell down on the floor.
“Heimlich maneuver!� Nerd cried. All four of them, including Heathcliff, fell onto him and began beating at his chest violently.
“Um, pardon me, but isn’t the Heimlich maneuver for choking?� Greg asked.
All five of them (including Carl) looked at him as though he was crazy.
“Never mind, carry on,� Greg muttered.
“I am revaved!� Carl popped up from the floor. “Now, Lizbeth, hon, bring in Howie!�
“Where is he?� Lizbeth asked.
“Last time I saw him, he was mauling a ladybug,� Ellie said.
Just then Draco felt something sharp bite into his ankle. “OOOWWWW!� he yelled and looked down at his ankles. A baby had just crawled out from under the table and attached its teeth to his ankles.
“Oh, the little critter loves you!� Carl exclaimed. “Isn’t he a darling little gentleman?�
“I thought we agreed that he was a girl,� Nerd said.
“Pray tell, what am I supposed to do to loosen his lovely and affectionate and yet extremely painful grip on my ankle?� Draco fake-smiled again.
“Oh, well, Heath here usually takes care of that,� Carl said.
Heath came forward and sank his teeth (FANGS?!) into Draco’s other leg.
“There,� Ellie said, smiling. “That pain will distract you from the pain that Howie’s giving you.�
“That is IT!� Draco whipped out his wand and pointed it at Heathcliff, then Howie. “Petrificus Totalus!�
The bulldog and the baby both turned to stone.
Draco looked up at the shocked family. “Obliviate!� was the next thing that came into his mind.
A dreamy smile took over the family members’ faces. “Boy, do I feel hungry,� Carl said, rubbing his stomach. “I’m so hungry that I’ve failed to notice the fact that my bulldog and my third child are stone statues attached to the gawky blonde’s legs.�
“Did he say gawky?� Vince whispered to Greg.
“Who cares? The more important thing here is that he said ‘blonde’.�
“Gawky blonde!� the two of them guffawed IQlessly. “That’s a good one, Carl!�
“Have we met?� Carl looked at them with a dazed smile.
“Let’s go start dinner,� Ellie said.
The muggle family left for the dining room. Draco, Vince and Greg remained.
“Finite incantatem!� Draco pointed his wand at the two stone statues. They came back to life and sprinted to the dining room.
***
“There was an evil lord who had a bear, and Bobby was his name-o, B-O-B-I-E, B-O-B-Y, B-O-O-B-Y…�
“You idiots! No wonder you couldn’t get into community college!� Voldemort roared. “You can’t even spell BOBBY?�
“How do you spell it?� Lucius wondered.
“Simple. B-A-O-B-B-Y…I think.� Voldemort scratched his scalp. “I didn’t catch his name quite well enough the first time we met, and he’s never bothered to correct me.�
“The coffin’s finished!� Bellatrix rushed in from the other room with a small box in her hand. It was white with gold frilly corners and a rose corsage.
“Such fine craftmanship!� Voldemort exclaimed, examining it. “Too bad it’s a load of crap. I told you specificially, Bobby’s favourite color---and mine---is PINK. Not white. White is too pure and innocent. What do you think we are, men?�
“All right…pink it is.� Bellatrix went back to the other room.
“I’ve got the golden mask!� Andy rushed in from another room. He was holding a styrofoam mask, painted gold, pink and green. “What does Your Highness think? Huh? It’s got pink. It’s got pink. That gives me an idea. Got pink? Get it, Got Pink? You know that commercial, Got Milk? Huh? Huh?�
“Cruuuuuucio!�
“Oooph!� Andy collapsed onto the floor, clutching his side. “MY APPENDIX!�
“There was an evil lord who had a tantrum and Voldy was his name-o, V-O-L-D-Y, V-O-L-D-Y, V-O-L-D-Y and he was a big mean-o.� Macnair’s head popped into the door. “How’s that for a funeral march?�
“Try something a little more lightspirited, won’t you?� Lucius suggested sarcastically.
“All right. London bridge is falling down, falling down, falling down…� Macnair left.
“This is a complete MESS,� Voldemort complained. “The coffin’s not pink, the maskmaker has appendicitis, Macnair has turned into the tambourine man, and Bobby is a ball of tangled cotton…BOO-HOO-HOO…� he burst into tears.
“Don’t worry, Tommy, everything is going to be all right,� Sheldon patted Voldemort’s back. “I’ll fix everything, for I am…THE SUPER HOUSEKEEPER!�
Da-da-da-da
The super housekeeper
He’s a man with a superpower
Meaning he can fix the sewer
And make Tommy-boy happier
The super housekeeper
He saves our day
Before you can say
‘Super housekeeper’…okay?
And makes us happy and gay…
He’s the super housekeeper
Yeah
He’s the super housekeeper
Yeah
La-la-la-la-la
The super HOUSEKEEPER!
To the rescue!
Up, up, and away!

A cricket chirped in the far distance.

“All right, here’s the plan:
“Lucius, you take Andy Dolohov to a muggle hospital.
“Bellatrix, you go on painting the coffin pink.
“Macnair, you work on the mask and think up an appropriate song.
“The others can make adornment for Bobby and embalm him.
“Ready, set, GO!�
He’s the super housekeeper…

Please review…it would make me really happy!

Chapter 10 The Quest to Find Draco’s Body and Revive Cho Before High School Starts

Once Draco, Vince and Greg were in their new room, they locked up the door, and Draco unzipped his bag to pull Cho’s limp body out. “Okay, we have GOT to get my real body back and to revive her. Any ideas?�

“You could always write to the Ministry of Magic,� Vince suggested.

“Vince, the Ministry of Magic almost arrested me! We have to think up a good plan. Hey, I’ve got an idea. Why don’t we go to the Department of Mysteries?�

Greg’s jaw dropped and the banana in his mouth fell out. “Draco, are you out of your mind?�

“Nope. If Potter and his friends could get in there, so can we. We’re going to look for a cure in there. What do you think, Vince?�

“Good. What’s the Department of Mysteries?�

Draco sighed impatiently. “Father told me that people called Unspeakables study mysterious things in there. There’s a good chance that they also study half-boy, half-girl bodiless creatures who frequently get put into French maid costumes.�

“Man, your life sounds pathetic,� Vince muttered.

Draco ignored him. “But we’ll have to miss school.�

“No, we won’t,� Greg said. “Remember? Callihorn’s on a one-week break right now. We’ve got a week off.�

“That’s good,� Draco said. “When do we leave?�

“Tonight. The McHohos will be asleep.�

“Hey, guys!� Carl McHoho popped up as the door fell onto the floor. “Oops. Sometimes I don’t know my own strength. Anyway, Ellie and I just want to tell you that we’re going to be staying up all night tonight to celebrate the Hillbillies vs. Yankees soap opera/dramedy marathon! See you guys at the TV!�

“Okay, bad stroke of luck,� Greg said.

“We’ll PUT them to sleep,� Draco said.

Vince gasped. “You mean kill them?�

“No, that’s animal language,� Draco said. “We just need some magical help.�
***
Voldemort, dressed like a certain Egyptain god, walked up the red carpet slowly. He was holding a staff and wearing a long chin. Right behind him were three mourners, crying silently for the death of Bobby. Then came the coffin, carried by two Death Eaters. Following them was Macnair, singing what was supposed to be the funeral march.

“Love me tender
Love me sweet
And never let me go
You have made my life complete
And I love you so

Love me tender
Love me true
And all my dreams will fill
For my darling I love you
And I always will

Love me tender
Love me long
Take me to your heart
For it’s then that I belong
And we’ll never part

Love me tender
Love me true
And all my dreams will fill
For my darling I love you
And I always will

Love me tender
Love me true
And all my dreams will fill
For my darling I love you
And I always will.�

“Representing Elvis’ undying love for Bobby,� Macnair hastily explained, seeing the others’ shocked faces.

Bellatrix was dressed as the goddess Isis, since she would be bringing Bobby, who was dressed like Osiris, back to life. She walked up to the coffin and lifted the lid. Inside was a styrofoam pink mask with red and white hearts covering a tangled ball of cotton. Voldemort turned and sobbed on the shoulder of Sheldon, who was the Best Man. (?????????!!!!!??????)

Lucius walked up onto a small platform. “Ahem,� he cleared his throat and began. “Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join Tom Marvolo Riddle and Bobby Nomiddlenamegiven Riddle in holy matrimony.�

“I thought this was a funeral!� Voldemort protested.

“Yeah, but you guys have to get married first,� Lucius said. “Isn’t that right, Andy?�

“It certainly is, Lucius,� said Andy Dolohov, who was the Maid of Honor. (double ?????????!!!!!?????? )

“Okay, proceed,� Voldemort said.

“Oh, wait, Tom, you’re not dressed up,� Sheldon fussed. “Dolohov, make yourself useful and bring in a tuxedo for the nice groom!�

“Yes, Sheldon.� Andy meekly went to fetch a black tuxedo and a black bow tie. He and Sheldon dressed Voldemort in the appropriate clothes and then put a small tuxedo and black bow tie on Bobby.

“Wait,� Voldemort interrupted again. “We can’t get married. We’re both boys.�

“Actually, Bobby is a girl,� Sheldon said dryly. He ripped the tux off Bobby and put on a white veil and lacy dress on Bobby. “Better?�

�Much.�

Lucius cleared his throat again. “What is love?�

SIX HOURS LATER
“May I have the rings, please?� Lucius asked.

Andy and Sheldon brought the rings up on a heart-shaped pillow. Lucius gave a ring to Voldemort and Bobby, aka tangled ball of cotton.

“Now, Tom,� Lucius said. “Place this ring on Bobby’s finger and say, ‘with this ring, I thee wed.�

“With ring this, thee wed I.� Voldemort placed the ring on Bobby’s finger, aka a piece of tangled cotton.

“And Bobby,� Lucius continued. “Place this ring on Tom’s finger and say, ‘with this ring, I thee
wed.�

Bobby didn’t do anything.

Lucius cleared his throat.

Bobby didn’t do anything.

Voldemort cleared his throat.

Bobby didn’t do anything.

Sheldon cleared his throat.

Bobby didn’t do anything.

Andy cleared his throat.

Bobby didn’t do anything.

Bellatrix cleared her throat.

Bobby didn’t do anything.

Macnair cleared his throat.

Bobby didn’t do anything.

There was a long, awkward silence…

Lucius quickly took a piece of Bobby and used it to place the ring on Voldemort’s finger. “There,� he said in a squeaky voice used to mimmick Bobby. “Ring with this, wed I thee.�

“I always told you people Bobby wasn’t an inanimate object,� Voldemort said proudly, looking around him.

“Now, Tom,� Lucius said. “Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife, to love and to cherish, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for as long as you both shall live?�

“I do.�

“Bobby, do you take this…uh…cyborg…ahem…I mean, MAN, to be your lawfully wedded husband, to love and to cherish, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for as long as you both shall live?�

Bobby didn’t say anything.

Lucius cleared his throat…

“I do,� Lucius quickly squeaked for Bobby.

“You may now kiss the bride.�

“Oh, Bobby, mwah!� Voldemort kissed the cotton. “Now we can bury you.�

“I now present to you--- Mr. and Mrs. Tom Marvolo Riddle!�

“Hip hip, hurray! Hip hip, hurray! Hip hip, hurray! Hip hip, hurray! Hip hip, hurray!� cried the Death Eaters.

Macnair began singing again. “I love you, you love me, we’re a happy family!�

“Oomph!� he was shoved to the side. Andy began singing, “I hate you, you hate me, let’s kick Barney off a tree and a one-two-three-four Barney’s on the floor, no more purple dinosaur.�

“Hip hip, hurray! Hip hip, hurray! Hip hip, hurray! Hip hip, hurray! Hip hip, hurray!� cried the Death Eaters…again.

Bellatrix took Bobby inside to sew him back together while everyone went to the reception for the wedding cake that Sheldon baked for this happy occasion.
***
�All rat! Yee-haw!� Carl boomed from the couch as the family crunched popcorn on the couch for the Hillbillies vs. Yankles soap opera/dramedy marathon. Draco, Vince and Greg went downstairs, their wands poised.

“Boom them Yankee cannons! Dagnabbit!� Ellie cried.

“He-he-he-he,� Nerd breathed from his inhaler.

“One…two…three…� Draco muttered.

“Petrificus Totalus!� the three of them hissed.

The family turned into stone.

“Okay,� Draco said. “Coast’s clear.�

He hoisted Cho’s body over his shoulder, and the three of them walked over to the fireplace. “I had Mojo hook it up to the wizarding floo network,� Draco explained. He threw the dust into the fireplace, and it turned green. He stepped into it. “The Ministry of Magic!� he cried, and soon he was tumbling out of the fireplace in the Ministry.

Greg and Vince stumbled out behind him. “Quick, hide Cho,� Draco hissed. Greg stuffed her into a bag again, and they walked over to the desk.

“Name?� asked a wheezy wizard.

Draco decided against his real name. “Uh…uh…Joey Gladstone.�

“And your purpose?�

“To revive an innocent young girl and to get myself out of a half-gender body?�

“Here you go.�

His badge read: Joey Gladstone, reviving an innocent young girl and to get himself out of a half-gender body.

“Boy, can you paraphrase,� Draco muttered.

“Name?� the wizard asked Greg.

“Uh…Danny…Tanner.�

“Your purpose?�

“Same as him…except for the half-gender part. I’m here for the bananas.�

“Okay. Here’s your badge. Name?�

“Uh…Stephanie Tanner?�

“You don’t look like a Stephanie,� the wizard eyed him suspiciously. “You’re more of a Kimmy Gibbler.�

“No, not Kimmy Gibbler! How about…Jesse Katsopolis?�

“Purpose?�

“Same as them…except for the half-gender and bananas part. I’m here to check out babes.�

“Okay.� His badge read: Jesse Katsopolis, reviving an innocent young girl and to check out the babes.

“You can’t check out babes,� Draco hissed to him. “You’re married to Rebecca Donaldson.�

“Not in this world.�

They stopped at the Department of Mysteries and opened the plain black door. And then they were in a spinning room (A/N: you know the drill: if you’ve read OotP, you don’t need the details) with doors and stuff. Draco opened one of them. It led to an office full of wizards writing on desks or conducting experiments.

They crept in quietly. Then a wizard in purple robes and a pointy bright green hat looked up and saw them. “You’re not supposed to be in here,� he said suspiciously.

“We’re your new co-workers?� Draco lied.

“Well, welcome!� the man hopped up. “I’m Lawrence Sheffield. Shall I give you a tour?�

“That would be delightful,� Greg responded.

“All right, follow me,� Lawrence beamed at them. They walked past a group of wizards scribbling on pieces of parchment and whispering to each other. “What are they doing?� Vince inquired.

“They’re predicting possibility,� Lawrence explained.

“How do you do that?�

“Well, you make possibilities and predict their algebraic sequences.�

“That makes absolutely no sense.�

“Well, don’t ask me. I don’t work with them.�

“Who do you work with?� Draco asked. Cho’s body, which was covered by an invisibility cloak, slumped over to one side and almost knocked him over.

“You okay?� Lawrence looked at him curiously.

“Y-yeah,� Draco breathed, straightening up. “Go on.�

“I study love,� Lawrence said in a mystic and hushed voice.

“Uh…� all three of them stared at him.

Lawrence muttered an incantation and waved his wand. Suddenly he had long hair that went to his waist, a pair of brownish glasses with tiny lenses, an ugly brown robe, sandals, and a little guitar.

“Love,� he said in the same mystic voice. “It’s all about love, peace, brother. Love is a kind of emotion…� he struck the guitar gently, “that carefree dudes like me feel…� he struck the guitar again, “when we’re frolicking through the meadows…� another one. “Or when we’re in the tranquility of our peace and love homes…it gives us a sort of feeling…� another one. “We feel all warm inside…when we feel love. Peace, love, joy, brother. Those matter. They’re in your heart.� He ended by placing a hand over his heart and gazing dreamily at them behind his tiny glasses. He conjured a swing and began swinging back and forth while colorful flowers (mostly pink) showered him.

“Dude,� was all Draco could say.

Lawrence suddenly changed back into himself. “So now you understand love,� he said. “Moving on…� they passed a group of wizards with large copies of world maps and rulers. “Now these people are trying to create new worlds.�

“Huh?� the three looked at him in confusion.

Lawrence sighed. “Ever read that muggle book, The Witch, the Lion, and the Wardrobe? You know, those Narnia series?�

“Yeah, we had to do a book report on that in muggle studies,� Greg said eagerly.

“They have this wardrobe thing, and when they step into it, they go into a new world called Narnia. It’s completely different from the one that they’re used to living in. Think you get it now?�

All three nodded.

“And these people…�

“Lawrence, Lawrence, Lawrence,� Draco interrupted. He was seconds away from falling onto the floor from Cho’s dead weight. “That’s all very interesting and all, but there’s something that we have to look up.�

“Look up? All our books are back in that room,� Lawrence pointed. “Don’t touch the pink ones. Side effects include nausea, itching, burning, masses of fur growing in inappropriate places, removal of a buttock, lower body turning into a penguin, Elvis impersonating, and more.�

“Thanks, Lawrence. It was nice meeting you.�

“Anytime!�

Once Lawrence had walked off (Love…peace…groove…brother…), Draco, Vince and Greg hurried into the room. It was filled with dusty cardboard boxes that apparently hadn’t been opened or touched in years.

“Achoo!� Greg sneezed as he bent down to open one of the boxes. “The dust’s pretty thick. Oh, look, a pink book. Let’s see what it’s about.�

“No, Greg, Lawrence said not to touch them!� Draco said.

“Too late,� Vince muttered. Greg was already holding a pink book in his hand.

“Greg!� Draco exclaimed.

Greg didn’t speak. Instead, he slowly bent down, and Draco saw with horror that thick black hair was sprouting from his arms, and his jaw was enlarging.

“GREG!� Vince cried.

Greg raised one of his arms, and slowly, he scratched his armpit. “Ooh, ooh,� he made a noise and scratched his scalp. “Ooh, ooh.�

“Oh my…� Vince said.

Draco voiced what he was thinking.

“HE’S TURNED INTO A CHIMPANZEE!�

“Ooh, ooh,� Greg grunted again.

“It’s okay,� Vince said, shrugging. “It’s not like anyone’s going to notice the difference.�

“Ooh, ooh.�

“He says he needs a banana,� Vince said.

Draco stared at him with shock. “You speak monkey?�

“What? Someone in the family had to,� Vince shrugged.

“Ooh.�

“And he also wants to maul the Lawrence guy,� Vince said. “Hey, Draco, let’s go to Diagon Alley and buy him a leash.�

Greg grunted one more time and sprinted out of the room on his extremely long and hairy arms.

“He wants to maul Lawrence?� Draco exclaimed. “Vince, we gotta stop him!�

They chased after Greg, who was sprinting at the speed of an airplane. He turned a corner, and when they reached it, he had disappeared.

“Oh, no! Where’d he go?� Draco moaned.

“This is why you need a leash,� Vince said matter-of-factly.

“SHUT UP!� Draco yelled at him.

Just then, they heard a bloodcurdling scream from another room. Greg was mauling Lawrence, and Lawrence was being mauled.

“Help me, I’m being mauled!�

“He’s being mauled!�

“I know, stop screaming!�

They ran into the room. Draco pointed his wand at Greg and yelled, “Expelliarmious!�

Greg’s arms immediately went on fire. He screeched in pain and huddled in a corner while Lawrence straightened up. His robes were torn. “Thank you so much, Joey Gladstone,� he told Draco. “If you ever get mauled, I’ll save you for sure.�

“Uh, okay,� Draco said.

Lawrence left the room, muttering about ointment while Greg the Chimp turned slowly back to Greg the…er…Not so much Chimp. “W-what’s going on?� he asked dazedly. “Ow, my arms hurt.�

Draco decided not to tell him. “Come on, we have to go back to the book room.�

“Oh, yeah!� Greg said. “I know how to revive her!�

“What?� Draco was shocked.

“That pink book provided me with knowledge. I guess they give you what you need only after you suffer.� He shuddered. “Where’s Cho?�

“Here.� Draco lifted the body off his shoulder and removed the Invisibility Cloak. Cho lay there like a cold statue.

Greg pulled out his wand. “Ennervate!� he cried.

Suddenly, Draco’s body appeared on the floor next to Cho. He felt his spirit leave the half-gender body and drift into the other one. The half-gender body split itself, and the girl half went to Cho while the boy-half went to Draco. Draco and Cho both woke up.

Cho rubbed her head. “Uh…what’s going on?� she mumbled.

“Nothing,� Draco lied.

“Oh, okay…wait a minute! Why am I in the Ministry of Magic?�

Draco had to explain the whole thing to her. By the time he finished, her eyes were wide. “Wow! That is SO exciting!�

“We have to send you back now,� Greg said.

“No!� Cho said. “I want to stay here.�

“But why?� Vince asked.

She rolled her eyes. “Hello? Barbie? Ron eats the last cupcake? Nails? Truth and Dare? Who’s hotter, Johnny Depp or Gary Oldman? The Goth Geek Gray Lady? Trust me, I’ve had enough.�

“But where are you going to stay?� Draco asked.

“Silly, I’ll stay with you in America,� Cho said. “It’s going to be fun.�

“Aww…� all three of them groaned.

“If you don’t let me, then I’ll force you to play Barbie and eat makeup,� she said.

“All right, you can stay,� Draco sighed.

“Yay!� she stood up and grabbed all three of them. “Come on! I want to know all about America. Do they REALLY paint whale stomachs as school projects? Oh, and…�

They stepped into the fireplace and went back to the McHoho’s place.

Chapter 11 FOOD FIGHT!!!!

The week went by swiftly. The McHohos readily accepted the explanation that Cho was another foreign exchange student residing in their home, and she moved into Lizbeth’s room. And after two or three days at the mall, shopping for school supplies for Draco, Vince, Greg and Cho, they woke up on Monday morning, ready to start their sophomore year.

Ellie drove them to school in the family’s old pickup truck that swerved, coughed and bounced on the road treacherously. Draco was beginning to get a headache from Nerd and Lizbeth yelling “Yee-haw!� every time they hit a bump when they finally arrived at Callihorn High School. It was a one-floor red-brick building with large glass windows and green fields, surrounded by a few trees. Draco was fascinated by its structure.

“All right, just go right in and find Mr. Turner,� Ellie said.

They all climbed out of the truck except for Lizbeth, who was still in middle school. Draco soon found himself surrounded by crowds and crowds of students and clearly separated from Greg, Vince, Cho and Nerd. He had no idea where Mr. Turner’s office was or where he was. Cautiously, he walked up to a muscular boy and tapped him on the shoulder. “Excuse me, do you…�

“Roar!� the boy clamped his muscular hand around Draco’s neck and slammed him against the cold, hard locker. “Did you just call me a seigneur?�

“N-no, why would I choose those as my last words?� Draco mumbled, suspecting a very painful and possibly violent death coming up. And he hadn’t even gotten his new shipping order of pantyhoses yet. Oh, the joys of teenagehood.

“Oh, okay. Sorry.� The boy put him down. “I’m Butch. I’m sensitive to people using French words around me.�

“Oh, yeah, so am I,� Draco said. He looked at Butch, who had puffy black hair neatly greased, with a tight white sparkling suit-like outfit and red towels around his neck. “I see you like Elvis.�

“How DO you know that?� Butch exclaimed. “It’s like you read my mind or something. Well, yeah, I guess I like Elvis, but just today. I dress up as a different famous person every day.�

“Really? That’s very…er…interesting,� Draco said. “Even women?�

“Yeah, yeah. Diana Ross, Abigail Adams, they’re all my past-time favorites.� Butch suddenly blushed and lowered his voice to a whisper. “Don’t tell people, but I like dressing up like them because I can wear a pantyhose.�

“You DO?� Draco exclaimed. “I love pantyhoses! In fact, I’m wearing one myself right now!�

“Oh my gosh, so am I! Do you wear cotton or silk? And what color?�

“Well, according to mugglenet fan fiction, I wear silky green pantyhoses with little snake patterns on them.�

“Interesting. I usually go with pink and white bunnies and unicorns…�

“Excuse me…� Greg tapped Butch’s shoulder.

“ROAR!� Butch slammed Greg on the locker this time, his muscular muscles throbbing muscular…ly. There were green veins in his thick and broad forehead, and his eyes were burning like flames. “HOW DARE YOU CALL ME DEBONAIR!�

“PLEASE DON’T KILL ME!� Greg screeched. “I HAVEN’T TASTED ALL THE TOILETS OF THE WORLD YET!�

“YOU WANT TO TASTE A TOILET? I’ve got one in my locker if you’re interested.� Butch offered.

“Really?�

“NO! But I know this kid who collects toilets. I can introduce you to him.�

“That would be great!� Greg slid down from the locker. “I’m Gregory G…�

“SILENCE!� Butch roared. He clamped a giant meaty hand around Draco and dragged him over. “I’d like for you to meet my new best friend, uh…what’s your name?�

“Draco Malfoy,� Draco supplied.

“Yeah, Geico Mustard.�

“I already know Draco,� Greg said. “We’re foreign exchange students from Britain.�

“Ah, I thought you two had a funny accent,� Butch scratched his head. “Anyway, Break My Toy, where are you going?�

“We need Mr. Turner,� Draco said.

“He’s probably in the petting zoo,� Butch said. “Follow me.�

“There’s a petting zoo in here?� Draco asked as they squeezed through the crowded hallway.

“Yeah, of course.� Butch banged on a plain wooden door. “Mr. Turner! Mr. Turner, open up!�

“Who is this?� a voice came from inside.

“It’s Arnold Schwartznegger! I’m running for the Governor of California again, and I’d like to have your vote!�

“Well, sure, Arn…wait a minute, I’m sorry, Arnold, I can’t vote for you.�

“Why the ever not?�

“I don’t live in California. I can’t vote for you unless I live in California.�

“They changed the rules!�

“They did?�

“Sure! You can vote for anyone you want to.�

“Oka…no, wait, I’m sorry, Arnold. I still can’t let you in.�

“Why?�

“I’m not wearing any pants.�

“Why the heck aren’t you wearing pants?�

“Because I’m in a dinosaur suit and I can’t fit the pants in there.�

“And why are you in a dinosaur suit?�

“DUH! I’m in the petting zoo, remember? I can’t scare the cute little animals!�

“What kind of dinosaur suit are you wearing?�

“T-rex, comes complete with fangs.�

“Can I see it? I may need to use it for another Terminator movie.�

“What’s Terminator?�

“It’s a movie.�

“What’s it about?�

“It’s about a Terminator.�

“What does he do?�

“He terminates.�

“Where does he terminate?�

“In the movie.�

“What else does he do?�

“He sells weenies on a bun in Bikini Bottom. Now let me in, will you?�

“But I’m not wearing pants!�

“Aren’t you in a dinosaur suit?�

“Who told you?�

“Uh, Butch? This is…er…taking forever,� Draco said. He went up to the door and pounded on it. “Hello, it’s the foreign exchange students, Mr. Turner!�

“The f-foreign exchange students!� Mr. Turner exclaimed. The door opened promptly. He was in a Teletubies suit.

“I thought you were in a dinosaur suit,� Greg said in shock.

Mr. Turner looked down at his outfit and groaned. “That is the LAST time I order from a catalog called ‘Our server is temporarily down’.� He looked at Butch. “Elvis! I thought you were Arnold Schwartzenegger!�

“No, that’s Thursday,� Butch said.

“Anyway…� Mr. Turner beamed at Draco and Greg. “Ah, the foreign exchange students. Welcome to our school. Here are your schedules, and I believe Butch here can escort you to your classes.� A little white lamb came out of the door and nibbled on his legs. “Oh, Daisy, I’m coming right back. See you three later.�

Draco sighed and went to class with Butch and Greg.

***

“See ‘em?�

“Ouch, Macnair, that’s my appendix!�

“Shut up, Dolohov, I can’t hear!�

“Everybody be quiet!�

The members of the Death Eaters House of Representatives were squatted behind a lush green fern, hidden from the broad road, where the new foreign exchange students would be coming soon. “Now then…� Voldemort’s red eyes gleamed with excitement. He pulled out his wand. “I think I hear them. My exterminator skills have finally come into use.�

“Uh, exterminator skills?�

“Yes. Did you know that I worked as an exterminator after I graduated from Hogwarts? I can tell just by the sound of the footsteps of a person how much they weigh and who they are.� Voldemort cocked his head to listen. “Aha! A North American silver-footed ferret, adult male, 2 ½ pounds.�

“No, that’s just a coach coming down the road,� Lucius said.

“A coach? I thought they were from America.� Andy said, confused.

“No, no, no, no.� Voldemort explained. “It’s a three-way sort of trade. What’d they call it back then…The Triangular Trade! We send some munchkins to America, an American school sends some students to Africa, and we get a little Egyptian boy.�

A coach came rolling into sight. It was a fancy shiny one with long, delicate dark red swan velvet drapes, concealing the rider inside. It seemed to be moving with the impact of magic.

“Ready?� Voldemort whispered.

“Ready.� Everyone gripped their wands.

“One…two…three…�

All of them jumped out from the bush. “IMPEDIMENTA!�

The coach stopped immediately. Lucius hurried to push aside the drapes. Inside was a stern-looking woman, a girl, and four scrawny teenage Egyptian boys, knocked out by the impact of the spells.

“Excellent,� Voldemort whispered. “I’ve got him.�

“Got what?� Lucius asked.

Voldemort held up a ferret. “North American silver-footed ferret, adult male, 2 ½ pounds. Haha! What’d I tell you? I’ve still got it! The old man’s still got it!�

“Quick,� Bellatrix said, reaching inside her robes, pulling out a beaker containing a purple potion and putting the hairs of the unconscious students inside small cups of potion. “Drink these.�

They all gulped down the potions. Soon, Lucius felt his stomach rumbling like a volcano. He was becoming exceedingly sick…he was going to toss his cookies…he was…

A scrawny teenage Egyptian boy.

He looked around him. Everyone had transformed successfully, and they were adorned in Egyptian wizard clothing, which were silk white robes with trimmed golden fringes.

“But what do we do with the teacher?� Andy wondered.

“Mobilius Corpus!� Voldemort muttered, and the teacher’s unconscious form rose and shrank to the size of a gnat. He put her in his pocket. “All right, Hogwarts, here we come!� he pulled out a flashlight and shone it on his face. “Mwahahahahaha!�

***

“Professor Dumbledore!� Professor McGonagall rushed into the Great Hall. “The foreign exchange students have arrived!�

“Excellent!� Dumbledore stepped down from the teachers’ tables and strode across the Hall. “Students and teachers, may I present --- our new foreign exchange students from Egypt!�

The big doors opened. Voldemort, Bellatrix, Lucius, Andy and Macnair stepped inside.

Voldemort decided that it was time to take action. He ran over to the teachers’ table, grabbed Snape, and kissed him on both cheeks. “Oh, eet ees wonderful most-e to be zee country een. And eet ees a pleasure meet yoo to! In I country wee keese good-looking person on cheek see them when we!�

Snape, looking revolted, pushed him away. Voldemort went over to Dumbledore and hugged him. “Professor McGonagall! What pleasure eet ees meeting yoo!�

“It’s good to see you too, uh…what’s your name?�

Voldemort brainstormed quickly. “Hunulupulupuaikikikiaboninisisatani Ianolaikilapochama!� he announced. “Mee calls Hunu in family.�

“Nice to meet you, Hunu, I am Professor Dumbledore,� Dumbledore’s eyes twinkled.

Voldemort looked up at Dumbledore. “Oh, now yoo are Dumbly-door!� he exclaimed. “First second yoo ees McGonagall, zen yoo change your name to Dumbly-door! Eeet weel be hard to keep up weeth you, whazever your name ees.�

“Well, why don’t you and your friends take a stab at the Sorting Hat, Hunu?� Dumbledore said.

Professor McGonagall brought the old hat over to the stool while the students lined up. “You can go first, Hunu.�

Voldemort gingerly sat down on the stool and placed the hat on his head. “I don’t like eet,� he complained. “Eeet makes my head feel itchy! Perhaps eet ees zee lice een my head.�

“Hmm…� the hat considered. “You do seem to complain a lot…�

“Zees hat! Eeet talks! Eeet must be evil!� Voldemort jumped from the stool, and throwing the hat on the ground, stomped hard on it. “Bad hat! Evil hat! Bad evil talking hat! I will be selfless hero and defeat it!� he decided that the accent was too much and just went with the grammatical errors. “I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR!!!!�

“Now, Hunu!� Professor McGonagall exclaimed, rushing to retrieve the hat from Voldemort’s feet and to dust it. “The hat’s not evil. It’s enchanted to talk.�

“Ohh…� Voldemort considered the hat. “We have hat like this in our country. Mr. Potato Head.�

“Now let’s give it one more try, Hunu,� Professor McGonagall said, placing the hat on his head.

“He’s…easily…agitated…and…VERY…aggressive…� the hat panted. “So…I’m…going…to…put…him…in… Slytherin…�

There was a few rounds of scattered, unenthusiastic applause from the Slytherin table. Professor McGonagall motioned for Voldemort to go sit with them, and he went to sit down next to a skinny boy. “Hello. I am new to country. What your name is be?�

“Theodore Nott,� the boy responded.

“Oh, I don’t like,� Voldemort said. “My name Hunu, it means potty in Egyptian language. What nott mean?�

“Uh…I don’t know,� Theodore Nott shrugged.

“You have boring name,� Voldemort remarked. “You need eat more or be ugly tomorrow.�

The rest of the group was sorted into Slytherin as well with several raised eyebrows from the students and teachers. They then began the feast.

***

All day, Butch, Draco, Greg and Vince went to their classes together. Cho had found some girlfriends, and she seemed to be adjusting a lot better than the rest of them.

At lunch, the four of them sat at a table near the center of the huge cafeteria, which was where the students ate their lunches. Draco longingly recalled how everyday around this time, he would be sitting between Greg and Vince, eating pork chops, drinking pumpkin juice and talking under an enchanted roof. Instead, he was stuck halfway around the globe, eating strange American food out of a styrofoam plate that read JOIN THE CLOWNS…OR ELSE, and listening to the other three compare armpit noises.

Just then, a skinny boy got up to get a napkin. He stepped on a banana peel, and the macaroni and cheese in his hand splattered on a giant football player’s face. The football player, after wiping the gooey yellow stuff from his face, snatched a Jello instant pudding and threw it, screaming, “FOOD FIGHT!�

“AHHHH!� the cafeteria was immediately filled with people yelling, screaming, and tossing food in the air. Several green peas covered in gravy shot up Draco’s nose, and he fell down, tripping Greg, who tripped Vince, and who fell headfirst into a large bowl of apple pie.

“YOU!� he yelled at Draco, and grabbing a huge bowl of green slime off the lunch lady’s cart, he dumped it all on Draco.

“EVERYONE ATTACK THE GAWKY BLONDE FOREIGN EXCHANGE STUDENT!� someone yelled.

A girl ran over to Draco and dumped a gallon of apple sauce down Draco’s pants. A boy poured white fish goo down Draco’s shirt. “AHH-RROOOO!� Draco shrieked when he felt the cold goo slither down his front. Then he felt two huge milkshakes clamp over his eyes.

“There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home, there’s no place like home!� he squeaked, clamping his heels together. “Mummy! Hey, don’t get mustard on my pantyhose! They’re SILK!�

Chapter 12 Lost


“Oh, zees country is much better zan Egypt!� Voldemort exclaimed as he walked down the corridor. “Zee birds are free, zee flowers bloom, and zee Potions master is hot!� he added as Snape gave him the Evil Eye.

“Oh, he’s SO foreign!� sighed a long queue of giggling girls.

“Have I taken over this castle or what?� Voldemort said smugly to Lucius once they were out of earshot. “I am rather skilled at enchanting people, aren’t I?�

“Yes,� Lucius admitted reluctantly. “I…gasp!�

“What is it?�

“I just saw Dobby going past.�

“Dobby?�

“That conniving, evil house elf I used to own! He left us without ironing out the rest of my silk pantyhoses. I must take my revenge!�

“Lucius, I TOLD you to stop using big words around me.�

“I will magic the loincloth off that elf!� Lucius lunged after the elf and turned into another corridor.

“Oh, Lucius,� Voldemort sighed. “Wait up! I have RHEUMATISM, for Pete’s sake!�

He chased after Lucius. They turned into another corridor, and then another one. Soon he bumped into Lucius from behind. “Where are we?�

“I don’t know. I think we’re lost.�

“You IDIOT!� Voldemort thundered. They were in a tiny and dark passage. “Oh, my blessed, I’m scared deathly of the dark. Do you have your wand, Lucius?�

“Yes, but we need at least three pieces of wood and a flintstone to burn a fire to light this place…�

“I swear, your skull is thicker than……mine. Do an illusionment charm!�

“Okay. Lumos.�

The passageway was lit up from a small light in Lucius’ wand. Voldemort walked around, trying to feel the walls or another corridor. His hand came in contact with a small wooden door. “Hey, I found a door!�

“There’s probably monsters inside,� Lucius said fearfully.

“Oh, puh-lease,� Voldemort opened the door. He quickly closed the door as a ferocious roar came from inside. “Oh, look, another door. Hey, there’s a mirror inside!�

“It’s the Mirror on the Wall!� Lucius exclaimed. He ran inside to stand in front of it and did a rather creative rap melody. “Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the fairest one of all? Let it be Lucius or let it be Tom, let it be someone other than my mom!�

“No, you moron, it’s the Mirror of Erised,� Voldemort shoved Lucius aside.

“Hey, I see myself holding a pair of ruby high heels,� Lucius said.

“And I’m frolicking in a field of flowers with the Easter Bunny.� Voldemort sighed dreamily. “Ah, that’ll be the day…�

***

“I ain’t got nobody that I can depend on. Just me, myself and I…�

“SHUT UP!�

“Just trying to lighten the mood,� Lucius pouted and stopped singing.

“Get out your wand and conjure us some food. I’m starving.�

“Okay.� Lucius went into the dark corner for some reason and came back later in a white-and-black striped shirt, a white chef hat, and a hideous black moustache with a little pipe sticking out from the side of his mouth. “Ah, zee customer. Our special today ees zee grande cROIssANt wees a leetle butter on zee side.� He managed in a dreadful French accent. “No, deed I say eet right? CROISSANT! CrOISSANT! CROISSANT!�

“Oh, be quiet and serve me the CROISSANT!�

“Hey, you said CROISSANT! CROISSANT is such a cool word, isn’t it? CROISSANT!�

“Stop saying CROISSANT!�

***

Wow, that is the most time anyone has used the word ‘croissant’. Or is it CROISSANT???!!!???!!

***

“Hey, Butch, why aren’t you dressed like a celebrity today?� Draco asked when he walked into chemistry and saw a disgruntled Butch sitting there in a red-and-white checkered shirt and jeans.

Butch looked up at Draco, his pupils contracting. “The movie affected me profoundly.�

“…Right.� Draco sat down beside Butch.

“Hey, Draco,� a blonde girl came over to smile at him.

“Hi, V-�

Draco was interrupted by Vince and Greg, who had burst into the classroom in ballerina tutus, carrying dead salmon, and yelling, “I’m a muffin, I’m a muffin!� at the top of their voices.

“Draco, we had the best time in Home Ec!� Greg yelled.

“Yeah, we learned to sew tutus, make salmon sauce, AND waste forty-five minutes thinking up ridiculously useless nonsense phrases to shout at random times!� They looked at each other ecstatically. “WE’RE MUFFINS!�

“Those are your friends?� Vanessa, the blonde girl asked, her eyebrows raised.

“Yeah, we’re like bowtruckles on a wand-tree!� Vince snorted stupidly. “Draco is just like us, except muggles think he’s hotter!�

“I know you are, but what am I?� Greg squeaked in a nasally imitation of Pee Wee.

***

“I’m telling you, master, I am entertainment. When people look up ‘entertainment’ in the dictionary, they find my name under it. My name comes up whenever the word ‘entertainment’ is mentioned. My name has a letter in common with ‘entertainment’. My name screams entertainment. See, when the curtains go up and the man in the suit goes, ‘it’s time for entertainment’, people scream my name, ‘Lucius, Lucius, Lucius’-�

“All right, I get it,� Voldemort interrupted.

“Yeah. So since we’re lost in this place, I might as well provide you some entertainment because…� Lucius laughed. “That’s what I do. I entertain.� He cleared his throat. “Ladies and gentlemen…�

“There’s only gentlemen in here,� Voldemort interrupted.

“Well, maybe one of us is alady,� Lucius said through hushed tones.

“O…kay.� Voldemort was creeped out. “Go ahead.�

“My performance of Ducks, the Musical.� Lucius bowed. He jumped into a dark corner and came out soon with a sparkly white show suit on. Then he began to sing. “When you’re a duck, you’re a duck all the way. From the first time you QUACK, to the next time you WAKE…�

“Boo! Hiss! Boo!� Voldemort began throwing tomatoes onto Lucius.

“Fine, someday I’ll find an audience that appreciates me for who I am,� Lucius sniffed.

“I recommend the Hare Krishna cult or Jerry Springer,� Voldemort commented.

***

By the third day, Voldemort and Lucius were tired, irritated, and completely lost. Every corridor they went into led to more corridors, and sometimes they saw objects they were sure that they had seen before. Voldemort had to drag his wobbly, skinny legs with him, and Lucius was inching across the floor like a giant caterpillar. More unfortunately, the torches on the walls were burning out, and they were reduced to staying close to Lucius’ feeble source of light from his wand. (On a happier note, Lucius found a galleon on the floor and named it Phil.)

It was on the fourth afternoon that they finally turned into a new corridor and gasped with amazement (and asthma) when they saw a light coming from the other end. After rushing to investigate, they saw that it was a tiny window just wide enough for a thin man to crawl through.

“We’re saved!� Voldemort cried jubilantly as he made haste to peer out of the small opening. “I can see the Quidditch field from below! Oh, and there is…� he hissed venomously. “Him.�

“The tangerine man?� Lucius asked excitedly, coming to join Voldemort.

“No,� hissed Voldemort. “Him.�

He pointed at a skinny figure zooming skillfully across the Quidditch stadium. He had untidy dark hair and emerald green eyes that blinked from behind round spectacles. He laughed giddily, hit himself on the head with his broom, then laughed again and hit himself again, repeating the bizarre cycle.

“I received information that Potter was banned from playing Quidditch!� Voldemort spat. “What is he doing here now?�

“Oh, I don’t know,� Lucius said absent-mindedly, filing his nails. “I guess they let him play after Drowsy Umbrella retired early or something.�

“Look at him laugh,� Voldemort hissed. “Look at his giddiness. It’s revolting.�

Potter laughed giddily, hit himself with his broom, and began having spasms on it.

“I guess he’s happy that he got back onto the team,� Lucius said.

“Yes, that would be it…� Voldemort said slowly. “He’s wearing a badge! He’s the Captain?!�

“Yep, sure is.�

“This is outrageous!� Voldemort yelled, banging his fist on the window pane and whimpering to cuddle it after the pain kicked in. “Potter is Dumbledore’s favourite boy already, and now he’s the Quidditch Captain? I will not tolerate this! I will take action!�

“What are you going to do, Mas’er?�

“I will…� Voldemort’s eyes traveled up and down the field. “Join the Slytherin Quidditch Team and beat Potter in the next match.�

“But you could barely fly when you were in school, remember? They even made a song about you.� Lucius began to sing it.

Riddle is our queen
Riddle’s real name is Maureen
You won’t believe how clumsy he’s been
Riddle’s a nerdy teen

Riddle always wants his mummy
‘Specially when he’s feeling crummy
He doesn’t taste yummy
Riddle is a complete dummy

Voldemort’s chin shook with suppressed rage. “Don’t remind me,� he hissed coldly, stepping away from the window. “You’ll see, Malfoy. You’ll all see. I’m going to get on the Slytherin Quidditch Team, I will beat Potter, and I will then perform my evil victory laugh. Then I will take over Hogwarts and the wizarding world and force everyone to live in a world dominated by…ME! Mwahahahahahaha!� he laughed, stroking his nonexistent beard and ignorant of the fact that he was so delirious that he was drooling.

Chapter 13: Driving and Flying

Disclaimer – I do not own Harry Potter and its characters; JK Rowling does, so she has the REAL power to send Draco to Hillbilly country. Also, if you look hard enough, there is a line here from Full House. There is also a line from OotP.

“Name?�

“Hunulupulupuaikikikiaboninisisatani Ianolaikilapochama.�

“Year?�

“Sixth.�

“Got your broom?�

“Yep.�

Voldemort balanced himself on the balls of his feet anxiously while he stood in front of the Slytherin Quidditch team captain, Miles Bletchley. He worked on polishing his new firebolt while Bletchley scribbled down his name and nodded. “Okay, go onto the stadium.�

Voldemort’s confidence that he would become Seeker melted away like the Witch of the West under water when he saw the stadium. There must have been at least two hundred Slytherins on the field, practicing their Quidditch tricks, tossing Quaffle balls, and taking turns catching the Snitch. He felt his knees knock together and sweat flood down his sides.

“I must have been mental,� he croaked, seizing Lucius’ collar.

“What’s wrong?� Lucius asked.

“These people are good! I’ll never be able to beat them. Dear heavens, what was I thinking? I stink at flying. I’m Riddle the Queen.�

“Come now, Tom, everything’s going to be fine!� Lucius patted his shoulder reassuringly. “What would Sheldon say?�

“ ‘Bacon grows on bologna trees’,� Voldemort said dully.

“Exactly! Now go out there and make him proud, won’t you?�

“But I’ll never make the team!� Voldemort whined.

“Everybody step in line here!� Bletchley barked, gesturing at a flagpole near the field.

Lucius patted Voldemort’s shoulder as everyone began filing over to the pole. “Good luck.�

Voldemort gulped. He set his broom on his shoulder and walked to the pole.

***

“I still don’t see why I need a driver’s license,� Draco grumbled as he, Vince, Greg, Nerd, and Cho, followed by a disgruntled Heathcliff, walked into a large parking lot toward Carl McHoho’s car, a dusty pickup parked in a corner. They had received permission from him and Ellie to practise for Draco’s driving test after he passed the written portion (which he had aced by using an enchanted quill disguised as a pencil).

“It was part of the exchange agreement,� Greg said matter-of-factly, pulling out the car keys from his pocket. “One of us had to get a driver’s license, and we picked you. Now get in before I use my muffin catch phrase.�

Still grumbling, Draco took the keys from Greg and unlocked the driver’s door, climbing inside and pulling out his manual. Everyone else got in: Greg in the passenger’s seat, and Cho, Nerd, Vince and Heathcliff in the back. “What next?� Greg asked.

“It says I put the keys in the ignition.� Draco took the key and pushed it in. The car made a great bucking sound as though it was a horse and shook violently.

“Relax, Draco, relax, just put your hands on the wheel,� instructed Nerd, who had already gotten his license. “Lay back and let Nutto take charge.�

“Nutto?� Draco was dumbfounded.

“Hey, lay off, it’s named after my grandma!� Nerd exclaimed. “Now never mind the name…just relax…�

“I’ll relax a lot better if I wasn’t driving a car named Nutto,� Draco said nastily.

“Fine, name it yourself!� Nerd threw up his hands in exasperation.

Draco stroked his chin. “Hmm…I’ll name it…�

He turned around.

“Is it a boy or a girl?�

***

Voldemort put his sharp mind to use as he watched the other Slytherins try out. Some of them were excellent, demonstrating complicated stategies performed by skilled top Quidditch players and catching the Snitch at every chance. Some stunk and hurled the Snitch and the Bludgers into the hoop instead of the Quaffle. One particular boy ended up having a Bludger jammed up his nose and had to go to the hospital wing.

“Hunu,� Bletchley finally called after about a century of waiting.

His knees trembling, Voldemort walked onto the field with his broom. At a nod from Bletchley, he mounted the broom and kicked off into the air.

The sensation he felt was wonderful. He was free, he was a bird, he was shooting through the sky and the clouds and the fresh air; something soft and smooth, probably a spring breeze, brushed past his legs and –

Loud shouts from the ground brought him back into reality.

He was high above the other players. He had to cock his head and strain to listen to what they were calling out to him anxiously.

He finally discovered what had happened when he’d kicked off.

“HUNU! YOUR PANTS FELL OOOOOOFF!�

Flushing embarrassedly in green boxers (the usual), Voldemort quickly snatched up his pants, which were lying in a wrinkled heap on the ground and darted into the changing rooms. He had just finished putting them on when Lucius appeared. “Hey, they’re announcing their picks. Come on!�

“I’ll never get picked,� Voldemort grumbled, but he went with Lucius.

“And our Seeker will be – � Bletchley began. Voldemort’s entire body tensed up.

“Hunu!�

Voldemort’s mouth fell open. “A-are you sure?� he managed to say finally.

Bletchley nodded. “Yep, you’re our Seeker.� He grinned and added, “we evaluated your boxers and decided that you were stylish enough. Be here for practise Friday.�

“Thank you,� Voldemort said, his eyes brimming with tears, not with joy that he had been selected as Seeker, but with tears of laughter at how he would make Potter pay.

***

The sky was slowly darkening as the hour hand drew nearer and nearer to eight. Draco squinted in the bright red light from the sunset as he drove the car around the parking lot clumsily. In the backseat, Vince was snoozing, his massive head almost crushing Nerd’s bony shoulder.

“Argh!� the car brushed by a tree, causing a thick tangle of branches to poke its way into the window. Draco screamed and began having spasms as the branches tickled his face and entangled his arms. The car zoomed forward at a speed of 110 miles per hour and stopped suddenly.

Trembling, Draco managed to sit up from where he had cowered under his seat and look around. They were jammed in between two massive trees; he tried to open the car doors, but they were pressed against the tree trunks and therefore did not budge. “No!� he moaned, burying his face in his hands. “We’re going to be stuck here - forever!�

“Use the radio,� Nerd suggested. “Send a help message to someone. Do you know the morse code?�

“No!� Draco seethed, beginning to bang himself against the door hard. Nothing happened.

“That’s a shame,� Nerd said, shaking his head. He then brightened after breathing heavily into some sort of allergy contraption and snorting loudly. “Let’s wait for these trees to decay, then. In the meantime, I’ll entertain us by singing Einstein’s E = MC2 equation to two hundred different show tunes! Let’s start with the Brady Bunch!�

***

“You know, we could just use magic to blow these trees to pieces with Reducto…� Cho sighed.

“Are you crazy?� Draco hissed back. “In front of all these muggles? We aren’t allowed to modify these people’s memories anymore, the Ministry’s put a ban on that…�

“Right, I forgot,� Cho said resignedly. “Well, what are we going to do, then? Sit here and rot?�

“I’ll think of something,� Draco said imperiously. “Just sit there and wait for my master mind to blossom.�

“That explains why you have dung in your head,� Cho muttered, sitting back down. “Fertilizers…�

“I’m hungry,� Vince blurted suddenly from the back, where he had finally awoken and released Nerd’s shoulder.

“Deal with it,� snarled Draco.

Making a face, Vince began digging around the car. He soon came up with a jar of half-eaten honey. Rolling his small window down to enjoy a breeze, he began noisily licking at the honey like a wild bear.

“Vince, don’t!� Draco warned, horrified. But it was too late.

They were large and black, their antennae waving defiantly in the breeze as they marched in an orderly manner down a branch and into the car window. Vince gasped with dismay when an ant climbed up his arm, followed by more ants. “Eeeek! Ants! Gemroffe!�

“Hey!� Nerd yelled as the jar of honey slipped in Vince’s hand, splattering him from head to waist in sweet-smelling golden sticky honey. The ants advanced on him, biting and licking at his shirt. Then more ants began to come in.

“Roll up the windows!� Draco cried in panic, and he began to roll the windows frantically. To his horror, they were broken. He screamed and writhed as ants came through his window and covered his torso. Without thinking, he whipped out his wand. “Stupefy!� he cried, pointing and jabbing at the ants. Wisps of smoke came from the wand but only caused a few ants to stumble in their path. They burned a hole in his shirt. He yelped and writhed as the itch began to kick in in some very uncomfortable places.

“Give me your stick!� Nerd yelled, snatching the wand from Draco’s hand and jabbing at the ants on his shirt. When that didn’t work, he grunted and snapped the wand in two.

“Noooooo!� Draco yelled, diving for the wand, but it was too late. Nerd tossed both fragments out of the window into another swarm of ants.

“My wand!� Draco cried, thrashing in his seat and fighting an urge to strangle Nerd. Without thinking, he stepped down on the gas so hard that the car struggled for a moment, then shot out from the trees like a bullet.

A/N: Thank you for reading, reviews would be much appreciated!

Chapter 14 Potter vs. Riddle

Disclaimer – The dating service idea was inspired from Full House. I know, I’m obsessed with that show, but I’ve added some twists. Oh, and the characters all belong to J.K. Rowling.



It was a humid, rainy Saturday afternoon, and Draco sat on his bed in the dark bedroom, fingering a piece of spare yarn idly. Now that his wand had been destroyed in the unfortunate car accident, he had no entertainment whatsoever and was reduced to crawling under the beds, looking for interestingly-shaped dust bunnies to play house with. He had written to the Ministry of Magic and to Ollivander’s requesting a new wand, but received responses from both correspondents offering their apologies but suggesting that since he was living in the muggle world, it did not matter very much whether he had a wand or not, and that he would receive a new wand as soon as he completed the exchange session and returned to Hogwarts.

Vince and Greg provided little comfort for Draco’s loss; their goofy laughter and dim jokes only irritated him, and that was why he had stayed home while the rest of the occupants of the house went to a local hillbilly gathering named the Mountain Moonshine Festival. He was only giving way to more boredom, he knew; but he desired some quiet around the house, and this was the only way peace could be obtained.

He was about to fashion the yarn into a Monkey’s fist knot when the door burst open. Red-faced and excited, Vince and Greg rushed in, seizing Draco by the arm and dragging him out of the room despite his protests. “Wh-wh- � Draco sputtered, trying to break free as he skidded across the hardwood floor on his bottom uncomfortably. “Where are you two taking me?�

“You’ll see!� Vince answered breathlessly as they hauled him up to the attic.

When they arrived at the attic, Vince pushed Draco into a chair while Greg and a grinning Nerd turned on the television. Despite how much Draco despised Muggle contraptions, he was curious. “What are you doing?� he inquired again, staring at the screen, which was turning blue.

Vince, Greg and Nerd looked at each other. “I reckon we should explain now,� Greg said, and Nerd nodded.

“Well, you see, Draco – � Greg began. “Since you broke your – er – � he glanced at Nerd quickly. “ - stick - that – er – belonged to – erm – your grandmother, you’ve been feeling real down. So we decided to cheer you up, and Nerd here had the perfect idea.�

“It’s called a dating service,� Nerd explained excitedly. “I don’t know whether you have it in Britain, but what you do is that you send in a video or pictures of yourself, and they find a match for you.�

“What?� Draco was dumbfounded.

Nerd sighed impatiently. “Here, just watch.� He pressed the PLAY button, and Draco was horrified to see what was on the screen. He was asleep in his bed, snoring and drooling unpleasantly.

“What the heck is this?� he demanded.

“It’s the video we took of you,� Vince said, smirking. “We couldn’t do it while you were awake, of course – you would never let us. Anyway, we sent the video in, and you got quite a lot of responses.�

“From whom?� Draco asked suspiciously.

“From some lovely ladies, of course!� Nerd laughed. He pushed PLAY again, and as the image of Draco chomping at the pillow faded from the screen, he, Vince, Greg and Heathcliff replaced it, all four beaming stupidly. Draco realised that Lizbeth was probably the one who had filmed the video.

“Hello, ladies,� began Nerd, still beaming widely. “Are you tired of your boyfriend always being late for dates? Do you wish he would crack some occasional jokes? Are you looking for someone who’s trustworthy, gentle, kind and sweet?�

“I know I am,� Vince said unintelligently as though he was a TV show host for three-year-olds.

“If your answer is yes, then we’ve found the right guy for you. He’s everything you could want in your ideal man: tall, muscular, rich, funny, loving, and charming. And most importantly, he’s not blonde.�

Draco’s jaw fell in horror when he saw the camera focus downward. Apparently Vince, Greg, Nerd and Heathcliff had been standing by a bed, for the lens now showed himself asleep in his bed, his hair dyed a jet black with some very unpleasant purple dashes in between.

“He’s got great oral hygiene,� Nerd said, yanking Draco’s jaws open to reveal his teeth and poke at his tongue. “See? Believe it or not, it’s a man who flosses.� He let go of the jaw, which fell back together limply.

“He’s got a whole bank of vocabulary, too,� Greg said as the camera focused up close on Draco’s face. Draco stirred slightly and muttered, “Must…defeat…�

Everyone in the video waited silently for Draco to finish talking in his sleep. His mouth opened slightly, and his head rolled around before he finally uttered, “…Canadians.�

“Sense of competitiveness, too,� Vince added.

They all turned back to the camera, smiling broadly. “Well, if you’re interested, give Draco here a call at – � Greg supplied the phone number, and the screen faded. It was soon replaced by a figure with a black shawl wrapped around her head.

“The Ohela Llama will give Draco the blessings of the Great Pilamaka,� she said in a surprisingly deep voice. “Draco must shave his head and serve the Great Pilamaka.�

“Let’s skip ahead to the next one,� Nerd said, looking frightened.


***


On the day of the big match of Slytherin against Gryffindor, Voldemort was awakened by the sound of birds chirping outside the window. He opened his eyes sleepily and, with a sudden jolt, realised what day it was. Groaning, he climbed out of bed to dress, butterflies flapping their wings madly in his stomach.

By the time he had gotten down to breakfast, the Great Hall was filled with masses of chattering students, eagerly awaiting the match, which had promised to be a very exciting one. The rival between the two Houses had been even greater over the past few weeks; Miles Bletchley, the Slytherin team captain, was sent to the hospital wing after a Gryffindor chaser charmed his nose hairs to talk and utter rude comments and swearwords in class in his voice. Another Gryffindor beater had hexed a Slytherin chaser so that at least twenty extra arms grew on his back and slapped his Captain’s quarters twenty-four hours a day.

Several students looked at Voldemort with interest as he passed by them, heading for the Slytherin table. He could hear their hushed conversations.

“Reckon he’ll use some sort of evil Egyptian technique?�

“Wonder if his pants’ll fall off again…hey, I dare you to charm them off when he’s flying – �

“Guy doesn’t stand a chance against Gryffindor. Just look at the size of his forearm muscles! They’re pixie-sized – only smaller…�

Voldemort gritted his teeth in irritation as he approached the table and sat down between Lucius and Bellatrix. “How are you feeling?� Bellatrix asked with concern.

“Fine. Why wouldn’t I be?� Voldemort, being the pompous, dignified evil lord that he was, would have died before he’d admitted that he was practically terrified.

“Good,� Bellatrix smiled. She seized a plate and began vigorously piling food onto it. “You should eat,� she urged, pushing the plate, which was now laden with food, before him. “Come on, master, eat!�

Voldemort stirred his breakfast unappetizingly. “I don’t think I will,� he said finally, pushing it away. “I’ll throw up.�

Lucius gave him a quizzical look. “Throw up? That’s new,� he added in an undertone.

“Come on, Hunu!� called Bletchley, jumping to his feet. “Let’s get ready for the big match!�

“Coming!� Voldemort joined him as they walked down to the dressing room, grateful for an excuse to get away from Bellatrix’s profuse breakfast and Lucius’ curiosity at his uneasiness.

By the time he had changed into his Quidditch robes, which were two sizes too big, Voldemort felt some of the anxiety die away. He was calmer now that his Firebolt was in his hand, and everyone else in the team was slapping each other on the back and offering optimistic words. But he felt his stomach slowly tie into a monkey knot as he walked onto the stadium to the cheering crowd. Wait – cheering? Voldemort’s neck almost snapped as he looked around him. Everyone was roaring, stomping their feet, waving – he felt a wave of content wash over him. Yes, that’d be what everyone would do on the day that he became supreme ruler of the universe – cheer, applause, scream with delight – it was so good that he closed his eyes and bumped instantly into Bletchley. The taller Slytherin scowled at him. “Watch it, Hunu.�

Voldemort scowled back. “Shut it, Miles. Everyone’s cheering for me. Why don’t you be wise and join in?�

Bletchley laughed harshly. “Cheering for you? They’re all rooting for Potter!�

Voldemort’s eyes widened when he saw a wave of scarlet wash over the field. It was the Gryffindor team, Potter leading them, waving and smiling at the crowd, which was screaming itself hoarse. His eyes narrowed angrily when he saw something glinting on Potter’s chest – a bronze captain’s badge. “Potter,� he hissed venomously, clenching his fist around his Firebolt.

“That’s the spirit,� Bletchley said approvingly.

“Quiet down!� roared McGonagall’s voice. The crowd grew quieter, watching the two teams with interest. McGonagall handed the megaphone to a sixth year Gryffindor named Dean Thomas, who was apparently commentating the match.

Madam Hooch had appeared on the field. “Mount your brooms!� she commanded, and as they did so, she looked around her before blowing her whistle. Voldemort kicked off into the air, his eyes narrowed to scout the whereabouts of the Snitch. Several feet away, Potter was doing the same thing. Voldemort felt hatred swarm over him as he saw Potter. You won’t thwart me much longer now, he thought contemptuously. He was going to win, he knew it.

***

“Hello, handsome!�

Draco’s attention snapped back to the television. Four old ladies in flowery dresses and missing teeth were ogling at the camera and giggling. “I’m Norma,� gibbered the first one. “I’m eighty-seven years old, and I love to dance…�

“Oh, Norma, you bad girl!� simpered the second one, and all four burst into uncontrollable girlish giggles.

“I specialise in the Mango,� continued Norma, rising from her chair. She was holding two mangos and a melon in her hand, and she began to move back and forth slowly, a vain attempt at appearing the least bit seductive. “Mango bango wango, mango bango sango, mango bango dango, mango bango pango…mango mango, mango mango…� she sang tunelessly and listlessly while the other three women giggled hysterically; one of them even dabbed at her eyes with a tissue.

The video finally ended, and Nerd switched the TV off. “So which one was better, the alien from Uranus or the untamed possum?� he asked.

“The possum,� they all said in unison.

Draco sighed and stood up. “Thanks for trying to cheer me up, guys, but this has been about the most gruesome night of my life.� He screwed up his eyes painfully and walked away, muttering, “Mango wango, mango nango…URGH!�

***

Voldemort glanced at his watch. It was twenty minutes into the game, and he had had no luck with catching the Snitch so far. The only satisfaction he had was knowing that neither did Potter. The crowd was cheering wildly for Katie Bell, who was darting through several players to reach the hoop and score. Voldemort watched her idly for a moment, then a shock ricocheted through his brain when he suddenly saw a glimmer of gold bobbling near her ponytail. Without thinking, he zoomed toward her, his hand oustretched, ready to close around the Snitch. He was getting there – nearer –nearer – just a bit more –

Katie’s head suddenly turned around and saw Voldemort lunging straight for her. “Aaaaahhhhh!� she screamed, terrified that he was going to crash into her. Without hesitating, she had raised her hand in defense and – WHAM – smacked Voldemort’s face as hard as she could.

“Oomph!� Voldemort, who had never been hit by a girl before (and clearly wasn’t up to it), smacked headlong into the Quidditch stand near them as she sent him cartwheeling in another direction. “Ohhhh!� sighed the Slytherin crowd, but most of the students craned their necks eagerly to spot Voldemort, who was wearing an entire stand on his neck, meaning that he had made a hole in the wood with his abnormally thick head and caught his neck in it like some sort of old-times criminal awaiting persecution. His face burning in the dark, he could hear a noisy crowd gathering around the rest of his body, laughing, talking, and (he imagined) poking fun at his captain’s quarters.

Soon he heard sharp footsteps and knew that McGonagall had approached him. She was clucking her tongue and remarking upon something that he couldn’t make out. As he shook his head and emptied some weeds out from his ears, Voldemort could hear the conversations more clearly.

“It’d come apart with a good Reducto blow…�

There were some murmurs at this, but then someone spoke up.

“No, too dangerous…see how the wood is almost fastened around his neck? That’ll hurt him…�

Some more murmurs. Then,

“We could try shrinking him…�

“No!� Voldemort cried in alarm, but no one seemed to have heard him. “Stand back,� said a girl’s voice, and Voldemort heard a muttered incantation before he experienced a very strange sensation.

“Oh my goodness!� shrieked a girl.

“That’s revolting!�

“UGH!�

“What? What’s happened?� Voldemort shouted, fearful that he had been turned into half a slug. Finally Lucius’ voice came.

“Erm…Hunu…the shrinking spell…only shrunk your…body, not your head.�

***

“What? That can’t be tr- �

Voldemort stopped midsentence. He wriggled his fingers and kicked with his feet, and he realised, with a horrible, sinking feeling, that his feet could not reach the ground. And they were in shoes that fit like boats. His robes were draped over him like a blanket. So he had shrunk.

“Hold on, I’ll reverse it…� came the girl’s voice again.

Voldemort almost swooned with relief when he felt his feet growing back into his shoes and his robes slowly ebbing toward his ankles. There was some scattered applause, followed by more murmurs.

“Where’s the Snitch?�

Voldemort’s ears perked up. Where was the Snitch?

The reply sent an electrical shock through him.

“Oh, Potter’s caught it. Gryffindor won.�

Voldemort could feel his blood pressure rising to the altitude of Mount Everest as his heart slowly gained speed, and his face turned steadily redder and brighter. His body was shaking, and his eyes burned with flames.

“Po…tter…caught…the…SNITCH?!�

There was one second of complete silence before Voldemort erupted. His eruption blasted the entire stand to pieces, and there was so much blood boiling and other inexplicable scientific things in Voldemort’s body that it sent him ricocheting into the sky like an angry rocket, his entire body on fire.

A/N: Thank you for reading, reviews would be much appreciated. :-)