~Beautiful Disaster~

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any related characters, settings or plotlines. I also do not own the song "Beautiful Disaster" which I got from the Kelly Clarkson album "Breakaway".

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I watch him sleeping. It's not like this is something I do all the time or anything, I just came in and there he was, asleep on the couch. He looks so much more at ease when he's asleep. When he's awake, he puts up this barrier to hide his true feelings but I can see it in his eyes. He's afraid. So he sleeps, and his dreams take him away from reality. But once he wakes, it's all there again. All the hatred and lies; the pressure to become what his father wants, the pain when he's not the perfect son; the life taken away by a greater evil than the devil himself. The evil of having no one to love and no one who loves you in return.

He drowns in his dreams
An exquisit extreme I know
He's as damned as he seemed
More heaven than a heart could hold

I want to reach out to him, to let him know how I feel. But I never can. We are too different; we come from two separate worlds and could not be together without destroying what we already have. For although he is hurt and broken, he knows no other life, he knows not what there could be for him beyond all his boundaries. And even if he did know, could he face his father and break down those walls? Or is he in too deep? It isn't fair, but then again, what is in this life we lead?

And if I try to save him
My whole world would cave in
It just ain't right
Lord, it just ain't right

I don't know what he wants from his life. Perhaps he prefers it the way it is. Although he is constantly crashing and burning, he still has wealth and power. Power over other people, not himself. His own life is a battlefield and only with time may he claim it back as his own. He is beautiful, yes, but his life is not. His life is twisted in so many ways that it shouldn't be. And he shouldn't have to live through that.

Oh and I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster

I have seen him laugh before but it is always fake and forced. He never smiles, he never makes jokes, he never lives his life. Not that it's his anyway. I've heard him crying before. In the dead of night when everyone else is asleep and he thinks no one will ever know. But I hear him and I want to run to him, to take him in my arms like a child and tell him everything will be alright. But I can't. And until he breaks free, I never will.

And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Lord, would it be beautiful
Or just a beautiful disaster

His strength is incredible. Not just physically but mentally. To have the power to live life the way he does and to not give in. I don't think I would be able to. But he is so damaged and broken. I walked in on him in the shower one day. He didn't see me, but I couldn't help but see the scars on him. His back is covered in them, some older and faded and some that look fresh and blood-stained. I wonder how he got them all. His father probably. Some of them look like they won't ever heal. And neither will the mental scars. His soul is broken beyond repair and nothing will ever take away the pain.

He's magic and myth
As strong as what I believe
A tragedy with
More damage than a soul should see

I want to help him, I want to travel back in time and steal him away from this life so he never knows about it. I want to hold him close and take his fears away. I want to curl up with him by a warm fireplace and fall to sleep with no cares in the world. But I cannot, and I try not to blame him for it. It isn't his fault he was born into this life. He knows not how perfect we could be together. Without anyone else. No interruptions, no interferences, nothing but us. It could be so pure and untainted. But he doesn't see this world of mine and he never will.

But do I try to change him
So hard not to blame him
Hold me tight
Baby, hold me tight

I don't know what he wants from life. I can only guess. But the way he falls asleep to escape it all gives me some clue to it all. He is in his most peaceful state when he's sleeping. He looks almost angelic. A beautiful angel who's soul has been overtaken by the devil. An angel who has fallen and cannot get back up without help. But there is no one there to help him. I desperately crave to be the one to pick him up but this is something that he must do himself. And in time, I do believe that he will.

Oh and I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
He's such a beautiful disaster

And if I see him in the future, if he does ever break away, could there be something there? Or would it never work? If I told him how I felt, he would probably turn around and laugh in my face or perhaps he would simply walk away. And then I would cry because I know I can never save him fully. He can only go so far himself. He can free himself from his cage but he cannot heal his wounds. Only love can cure that kind of pain. And he knows not what love is.

And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful
Or just a beautiful disaster

I know I'm looking for the easy way out for both of us. The logical way for him to escape his fathers control and find love. And I know it would never work. He will never be happy in this life. The only joy he receives is from his dreams. Only they can take away the hurt and it would take a miracle for anything else to restore happiness to his life. I'm sure he would have been happy as a child but after his mother died, he would have had no one to protect him from his father. He's waited so long for his freedom. And so have I.

I'm longing for love and the logical
But he's only happy hysterical
I'm searching for some kind of miracle
Waited so long
I've waited so long

I walk across and stand over him. His lips are curled into what you could almost call a smile. It's the closest he'll ever get to a real happiness. I reach out and stroke the side of his face with my fingers. His skin is soft, not harsh and broken like I had expected. I guess that after thinking for so long about how shattered his life was, I just presumed that he would be flawed as well. Yet his face is perfect, like a china doll. But looks are not enough. Perfection on the outside cannot always hide how shattered something is on the inside. I cannot keep letting him endure this pain. But it's too much for me to change alone. And I have no one to help me.

He's soft to the touch
But frayed at the ends he breaks
He's never enough
And still he's more than I can take

But perhaps he prefers it this way. Perhaps even if he had the choice, he wouldn't change his life. After all, he is used to it, it probably doesn't affect him as much as it used to. But I still see the pain and anguish in his eyes. His eyes are beautiful, like windows into his soul. If only someone else could see into them and see what I witness every time I gaze into them. Yet it seems that I am the only one who can percieve the hurt behind his mask. His life could have been beautiful, just like him, so how did it become this disaster?

Oh and I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
He's such a beautiful disaster

Should I hold onto my dreams and wait for him to escape or should I let him go before I do something I shouldn't and hurt him even more? I'll cry tonight. Cry for him and his shattered world. Cry because I cannot help the man I love to become what he could grow to be if only he knew how. And perhaps one day I will laugh. Laugh about the feelings I had for the one who I was supposed to hate and how I always pictured us together. Because us together would be just like his life. A beautiful disaster.

And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful
Or just a beautiful disaster

I still don't know how someone that beautiful can be that torn up inside but all I know is I cannot be the one to save him. He must be the one to free himself. And when he does, I will be waiting for him. Who knows what might happen in the future? I surely don't. So I get up from beside him and I walk away. Someday I will return to him but now he is alone until he can break down his own barriers and steal away from this life. For now I am content with the simple fact of knowing that he is at peace in his dreams.

He's beautiful
Lord he's so beautiful
He's beautiful