Mary Sue and Cal Pue

Part One:

Mary Sue

Mary Sue was one of those rare human beings who were truly wonderful at everything and there wasn’t a single person who disliked her. You know the type, stunningly beautiful with an intoxicating personality, the type who ends up getting her male teachers fired for harassment. Basically if the author was being true to himself every character would hate her for being so wonderful but the author is deluded and immature and thus you are faced with a thoroughly unimaginative and boring character.

Young Mary Sue was about to start her sixth year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. She was an exchange student from Fiji who had for no particular reason decided to come to Britain for the rest of her education; one suspects it has something to do with Fijian schools being far less interesting for fan fiction because of the lack of Harry Potter.

“Mary, have you packed your bags for school? We are running a good two hours ahead of schedule but I want to make sure,� said Mary’s mother Bobby at the bottom of the humongous staircase which sat in the middle of the Sue’s four story house in the country.

“I’ve packed them mother, I did so three months ago and I put them in the boot of the car last week,� came back the cheerful reply from Mary who not surprisingly was looking forward to the new year at Hogwarts where she would no doubt star at everything she attempted and be terribly modest about it.

Ten minutes later Mary and her parents Bobby and Bernard got in their car, which was a lovely proportioned limousine with a small swimming pool and a water bed. They’d left an hour and forty-five minutes early but as Mary’s father Bernard had said “It’s better to be early than it is to be late,� and who could logically argue with that?

They arrived an hour before the train was to leave even though the trip should’ve taken at least an hour and a half. They’d received particularly good traffic and didn’t have to stop at a single red light.

Nobody had arrived at platform nine and three quarters yet but ever so slowly students came through the enchanted barrier and many of them chatted with Mary who was looking all sickly sweet in her uniform.

“Hello,� said a short, messy, boy wearing large and graceless glasses.

“Hello,� replied Mary without a hint of shyness, “I’m guessing you’d be Harry Potter.�

“And you’d be correct,� replied Harry nervously before he stumbled backwards when he realised he’d been staring at her chest. Mary helped him up and dusted him off and the two of them chatted for a little longer. Within thirty seconds the two of them were firm friends, which isn’t surprising when you have such a wonderful personality like Mary Sue.


Cal Pue

Cal Pue was a lovely young lad who was going into the seventh year at Hogwarts. He’d been home schooled for the first six years of his schooling but the decision was made by his father to send him to a proper school for his final year.

The Pue’s were a delusional family, from their perspective they were exactly like the Sue’s but in reality they were perhaps exact opposites. Cal was a student who thought he was utterly brilliant but for the most part was anything but.

Cal’s mother Bertrude had taught him everything she knew and his report cards were shining examples of why parents shouldn’t teach their own children; sprinkled with Excellent’s that were thoroughly undeserved. Hogwarts wasn’t sure whether he was really good enough for the seventh year or not.

Cal’s father Bob stumbled drunkenly up the three steps at the front of their small but nicely asymmetrical apartment.

“Hey kid, you got all ya stuff in the boot,� he barked loudly before falling with a thud.

“Sure dad, I got everything ready last week,� Cal replied eagerly. Cal sat around twiddling his thumbs for the next 15 minutes before coming to the conclusion that he’d actually only packed his un-needed toiletries which every reader knows are unnecessary in fan fiction.

Quickly and untidily he packed his real bag amidst his mother telling him to ‘get in the bloody car’ before he’d be forced to take the cow to the station. Cal hurried out of the house merely twenty minutes before the Hogwarts Express was due to leave and threw his bag in the back of the truck before hopping in the station wagon.

The three of them made it to the station with a minute to spare. Cal kissed his mother goodbye and ducked for cover when his father farted.

�Where’s your bag boy?� asked his father after the smell had cleared.

�What?�

�Where’s your bag?�

“I put it on the truck,� said Cal defiantly.

“We drove in the station wagon dear,� replied his mother.

“Bugger!�

“Oh well we didn’t have time to put your bags on the train anyway. Now get going!� barked his father shoving Cal through the barrier where he was met by several hundred students all chatting amongst themselves excitedly.

“ALL ABOARD!� came the voice of the train conductor and hundreds of students scrambled into their respective carriages with the school year ahead of them.

Part Two:

Mary Sue


Mary Sue and her new friend Harry scrambled into a carriage which was unoccupied.

“You know I should’ve found Hermione and Ron before we got on but to be honest I think you’re a far better friend than they ever were,� said Harry, a small amount of drool rolling down his chin.

“You know if I wasn’t so disturbed that you seem to spend all your time staring at my nice girly bits I’d blush,� said Mary politely with a giggle. Harry began to go very red but he was saved from further embarrassment by the entrance of Ron and Hermione in all their Prefecty glory.

“Hello Harry,� said Hermione cheerfully.

“Hello sexy,� said Ron, with a look on his face that could possibly mean that he was trying to be charming but came across as the ultimate sleaze bag.

“RON!� blurted out Hermione, “That’s no way to talk to a lady.�

“Oh that’s alright, it’s unfair to expect a male to not follow their primitive male instincts,� replied Mary with a giggle.

“That’s right I’m just being a male, I can’t be held responsible for how I act,� blurted out Ron.

In a matter of minutes the four of them were chatting like life long buddies. Of course in a story written by a competent writer Hermione would be plotting Mary’s yucky demise for attempting to steal her two boys but alas that’s not the case. The four talked about Mary’s hair and her family history and her super trendy clothes.

“Did you know I was a Prefect?� asked Ron suddenly.

“Yeah you’ve told me three times already, plus you’re wearing your Prefect’s badge, plus you’re wearing a smug look which says “Take me to dinner I’m important�,� replied Mary.

“You caught on to that too I see,� said Ron with a chuckle.

The train continued along its merry way and it wasn’t long before the woman with the food cart came by.

“My shout, I’ve got plenty of galleons,� said Harry quickly darting to the door.

“Oh no Harry you don’t have to do that. My mother gave me several thousand galleons to spend over the next week or so. So it’s only fair that it’s my shout,� said Mary and she bought what was practically the entire cart. They pigged out on the sweets for a good thirty minutes before everyone except Mary were feeling thoroughly sick.

“So who’s the sexy new girl?� came a drawling voice located near the doorway.

“MALFOY! What are you doing here?� snapped back Harry angrily.

“Well typically every year I make a visit to you whilst you’re on the Hogwarts Express and say something thoroughly witty. Often I’ll make sure that you know that I know something that you don’t know because my Dad is important, alas he’s now a criminal and I’m out of the loop,� replied Malfoy vindictively.

“Shut up Malfoy,� shot back Ron angrily, “I have a lifelong dislike of you and to show it I’m going to cast an ill-prepared spell at you.� Ron performs a shoddy spell which hit’s the wall and bounces off.

“You suck Weasley and your family is poor … oh and you smell funny,� said Malfoy with a look which said “I’m a witty little bugger� which was a look he didn’t particularly deserve to have.

“I don’t like you although no doubt at some stage your witty comments and sexy body will cause us to get in a sticky situation,� said Mary suddenly.

“STUPEFY!�

Mary’s spell hit Malfoy and threw him through the wall opposite to them and he hit the train tracks below. As the train sped on to it’s eventual destination Malfoy could be seen shaking his fists.

“I’ll get you - you intriguing and sexy new girl if it’s the last thing I do!�


Cal Pue


Cal Pue got onto the train quickly and looked for a carriage to sit down in unfortunately he was having little luck. Every carriage seemed to have individuals in it who a) didn’t get how desirable and witty he was, or b) thought he smelt funny.

“Hey how you doing hunnybuns?� said Cal as he ventured into one cabin.

“Um … like hello, I’m a second year you dirty perv,� said one of the young – very young – ladies in the cabin and they chased him down the hallway hitting him with their broomsticks.

Cal carried on his search with little or no success, apparently the people of Hogwarts liked to be treated with a little respect and Cal didn’t seem capable of such feats. Finally he found his way into a carriage with the rather strange Luna Lovegood, who was sitting with Ginny Weasley.

“Er – I’m a new student and well I was wondering whether I could crash here for the journey,� said Cal with a tentativeness which was definitely unusual to say the least. Ginny and Luna were two nice young girls and didn’t have the heart to tell Cal that they preferred it if he didn’t ‘crash’ with them, plus Ginny hadn’t had a boyfriend for at least three days so she was secretly hopeful.

“Well girls what are your names?� he asked them as he sat down with his legs spread somewhat too far for most people’s liking.

“I’m Ginny and this is my friend Luna, most people think that I’m a little quiet and she’s a little weird but in reality that’s wrong,� said Ginny in a friendly manner.

“Ok, well seeing as we’re friends now –� began Cal.

“Oh we’re not friends yet, we don’t even know each other very well,� said Luna wisely which is something that most fan fiction characters show little of. Typically the characters would be making out in a closet by now or Cal would’ve inspirationally saved the world (you’ll have to wait for the next update for that).

“Oh but we will be, I’m finding you girls hot so I’ll befriend you and try to seduce you at a later date,� replied Cal smugly. The two girls looked at him and shook their heads; they couldn’t believe he was hitting on them already.

“You know, we don’t even know what your name is yet,� said Ginny.

“My name is Cal, I’ve been home schooled for the greater part of my schooling,� replied Cal quickly.

“Your names Cal? Is that short for something?� asked Luna in an airy-fairy manner which was typical of the character.

“It’s short for Callam, the author named me after himself and made me the hero of the story, he has a large ego unfortunately,� said Cal.

Suddenly the train stopped and Cal could hear individuals coming on board.

“Duck under the chairs boys and girls, I’m going to save the day,� said Cal as he ran out of the door and tripped over his shoelaces.