Addicted by Lady Wolf
Summary: Skeletons in the proverbial closet? Hidden talents that drive one mad? Obsessive compulsive behavior? All this and more can be found within this trilogy of insanity. Characters admit their addictions and, for the most part, have nothing to be ashamed about.
Categories: Humor Fics Characters: None
Warnings: Slash
Challenges:
Series: None
Chapters: 3 Completed: Yes Word count: 2806 Read: 6279 Published: 11/14/04 Updated: 11/16/04
Addicted Two by Lady Wolf
Addicted Two


“(hiccup) Dobby and Winky is here, sirs and madams, (hiccup) because he and Winky has addictions,” said the house-elf with difficulty. For he, Dobby (as he annoyingly repeated) was addicted to butterbeer. His companion Winky, however, had overcome her addiction the previous year. A hypnotist - Gilderoy Lockhart in disguise - had hypnotized the poor female house-elf, and now Winky had the dreaded curse of blurting Hogwarts secrets at odd moments. It wasn’t really an addiction, but hey, who’s counting? I wish I could count...

“Hi, hello, howdy, and good day!” Shouted Voldemort. “My name is - dun dun dunnnn - VOLDEMORT!! And I... am... addicted... TO DR. PEPPER!!”

The toad man arched an eyebrow while everyone else hid his or her laughter behind a coughing spasm.

“Hello,” said Ginny Weasley and Colin Creevey together. “We are Colin and Ginny, and we love Harry/Draco fan-fiction.” They sat down, Ginny shooting a glare at Colin for trying to sit on her lap. Blushing, Colin took the seat next to the youngest Weasley. “So, when does this We Love Harry/Draco meeting start?”

Regis, the toad man, frowned. “I’m sorry, but this is the Addicted meeting... I’m afraid you have the wrong address.”

“Son of a ---” cursed Ginny. She bashed Colin on the head with her fist. “Creevey, you imbecile! You said this was the We Love Harry/Draco meeting!” Ginny stood up, dragging Colin along behind her. She jerked open the door only to find a dark broom closet, and inside was...

“Harry!” Shouted Ginny.

“Ginny!” Shouted Harry.

“Draco!” Shouted Colin.

“Weird-kid-that-stalks-Potter!” Shouted Draco.

Harry, long-believed to have swiped Hermione’s tissue in the last adventure, stood next to Draco, arms around the blonde’s neck, one leg wrapped around his waist. Draco, previously smashed on the head by his father’s pimp cane, was cradled in Harry’s arms, red lipstick plastered across his face.

“What in the name of Michael Jackson’s nose-less face is going on here!?” Exclaimed Regis.

Harry promptly released Draco, who fell with a sexy SMAP! onto the ground, and held his hands in the air. “I swear on the life of Stoned-Wall Jackson that I had NOTHING to do with this!”

Draco rose to his feet and dusted off his robes. “He’s lying. We were gettin’ it on!!”

Everyone gasped.

“In the BROOM CLOSET?!” Cried Ginny aghast.

“Sirius said it was the best place,” Harry shrugged.

“Hiya, Ginny,” greeted Sirius, who appeared from somewhere behind Harry’s leg.

“And just what are YOU doing in there, Mr. Black?” Inquired Regis.

Sirius shrugged. “Dinner and a show, Regis. Besides, the author accidentally forgot to mention what became of me in the last story, so she just randomly placed me in this closet with Draco and Harry. It’s as simple as that, really.”

“Oh, well as long as you have a good enough reason,” said the toad man.

“HELLO?! Could we introduce ourselves now?” Shouted Fred Weasley; George punched him in the nads.

“Shut up, bungwipe!” Said George.

“Psst,” whispered Sirius. “They’re addicted to Beavis and Butthead.”

“Wonderful observation,” said Ginny sarcastically.

“You asshole!” Cried Fred, flinging himself at George.

“I am Cornholio! I need TP for my bunghole!”

“There’s something ya don’t see every day...” commented Colin.

“Corn!!!” Shouted Voldemort.

“What the hell?” Said Harry.

The Dark Lord sprung to his feet and began bouncing off the walls, leaving rather large dents that he would have to pay for later. “BOINGY BOINGY BOINGY!!”

“I’m supposed to fight THAT to the death in the last book?” Harry asked to no one in particular.

“BOOM-SHAKA-LAKA-LAKA! BOOM-SHAKA-LAKA-LAKA!”

Fred and George suddenly stopped fighting and watched as Voldemort smashed through a wall and lay unconscious. “Whoa. heh heh heh. That was cool.”

“Yeah. I think he’s, like, dead and stuff,” commented George.

“Let’s go poke him!” Suggested Fred.

He and George walked over and started poking Voldemort with a stick.

“Heh heh heh. This is cool.”

“I think they need help.” Said Draco.

“Masters are bad, bad wizards, they is,” said Winky. It was the very first thing Winky had said in this story, and everyone was surprised by it - even the author! “Nearly Headless Nick had an affair with the Fat Friar!” The elf slapped a hand to her mouth, eyes bulging with horror. “WINKY IS NOT SAYING SUCH THINGS!” She added, but since her mouth was covered it sounded more like: “BUFF-WUFF UFF BUFF FUFF-WUFF FUFF FUFFS!”

For some odd reason, Draco’s hair grew three feet long. He now looked like one of Charlie’s Angels. So, with the grace that is Malfoy, Draco tossed his hair over his shoulder and smiled alluringly at Fred and George. Said twins gaped open-mouthed at the luscious Draco...

“Must touch the hiney. Huh huh huh,” they chanted as they moved closer to Draco.

Draco promptly turned around and shook his ass teasingly. “Ooh yeah, touch it baby, touch it!” Harry stood in front of Draco, blocking the twin’s view.

“Outta the way, butt-munch,” barked George.

“Dobby makes whoopy to the nude statues in the castle!” Shrieked Winky.

“WINKY!” Cried Dobby. “(hiccup) You isn’t saying things about Dobby (hiccup)! No (hiccup) you isn’t! Man am I drunk.”

Everyone arched an eyebrow at the house-elves.

“DON’T LOOK AT THEM! LOOK AT ME!!” Exclaimed Voldemort. He now had a bowl of fruit on his head, and was dancing to some unheard song. “Everybody mambo!”

And they all joined in the random dance that would lead to the end of the chapter.

The End.
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