When we last left the young men and woman of Hogwarts they were on their way back to London after their battle at the Ministry of Magic. Hermione was cursed by a death-eater with a mysterious spell, but believed herself to be cured as she rode the Hogwarts Express towards home. However, as she and Luna Lovegood headed down the aisle to purchase some chocolate frogs from the trolley witch, Hermione collapsed into Luna's arms, slipping into a deep coma. Hermione was taken back to Hogwarts immediatly and put under the care of Madame Pomfrey.


Hermione's coma lasted the summer. She awakened just as the next year of school had begun to shocking news from Madame Pomfrey.

Hospital Wing:

Hermione's eyes fluttered open after a restfull night's sleep to see her beloved Ron and pal Harry standing over her bed. She smile adoringly up at Ron, who breathed a sigh of relief.

"Oh Hermione, thank god you're alright,"Ron stammered. "I was so worried you'd never come out of your coma."

"Oh Ron, I'm just so glad to see you again,"Hermione whispered. "Oh, and you too, Harry."

"We were really worried, "Harry said. "And no one would tell us anything. You know how much that pisses me off."

"I'm so glad you're here,"Hermione said. Ron cleared his throat and looked uncomfortable.

"Um, Hermione? There's something I wanted to tell you that I thought I'd never get a chance to tell you,"Ron said.

"What is it Ron? You can tell me anything,"Hermione said as her heart skipped a beat.

"Hermione....."Ron started, his ears turning pink as he stared at his feet. "You know how my dad has always loved muggles?"

Hermione looked puzzled.

"Er, yes,"she said, not sure where this was going.

"Well, back in the '70's my dad was staying at the Leaky Cauldron and decided he wanted to see some London nightlife....."

Ron told Hermione about Arthur ending up at a swingers party where he met a beautiful young muggle woman. They shared a hot night of passion where the young woman brought him to new heights of ecstasy and reaffirmed his love of muggles. When the morning came the two parted ways and nine months later Arthur received a letter from the woman announcing the birth of an illegitimate daughter.

"That muggle woman was your mother, Hermione. Your dad married her while she was pregnant, and my dad and your mum never discussed the matter again until my dad told me over the summer,"Ron finished. His ears were bright red now. Harry's mouth fell open. Hermione looked stricken. Tears filled her eyes.

"Ron....Oh my god,"Hermione managed.

"I know. I don't know what to say,"Ron replied.

"Oh god, I have to tell you something,"Hermione said frantically.

"What?"

"Oh Ron, you're going to hate me! Your sister, I can't believe it."

"What? What is it now?"Ron asked.

"I....I'm pregnant with your child!"Hermione squeaked. Harry's jaw dropped again.

"What? How? We've never even had sex!"Ron shouted. Hermione started to cry.

"Oh Ron, I did a sperm-switching spell on you and Draco Malfoy and then allowed Draco to seduce me so he could impregnate me with your child,"Hermione confessed. "I thought it would be a nice surprise for you, until today of course."

"Oh I'm surprised alright!"Ron yelled in exasperation. Harry looked stunned.

"You slept with Draco?"Harry asked, feeling an odd twinge of jealously. Hermione nodded sadly. Harry suddenly felt strangely angry at the thought of Draco wanting to seduce Hermione instead of him.

Crookshanks emerged from under the bed looking decidedly suspicious and up to something.

"What now Ron?"Hermione said sadly. Ron shook his head angrily. He didn't know what to say. Crookshanks scurried out of the hospital wing with his bottlebrush tail sticking up in the air.

The awkward silence was interrupted by Madame Pomfrey walking into the room.

"I'm sure by now you've been told about Miss Granger's condition,"Madame Pomfrey said, "However, the spell damage she sustained had also given her a brain tumor. We cannot remove the tumor with magic until she's given birth. Hopefully the tumor will not grow at a very fast rate. Miss Granger will be confined to this bed for the duration of her pregnancy. Any excessive amount of stress or activity could cause the tumor to swell and her head could explode."

"Oh great, I'll be dead by tomarrow,"Hermione muttered.

"What about her schoolwork?"Harry asked.

"You two will have to gather her assignments and books and bring them to her to work on when she can."

"Oh no, my grades! I have to go to class!"Hermione wailed.

"You should be more concerned about your health, Miss Granger,"Madame Pomfrey said sternly.

"Well, I need quills and parchment,"Hermione said decidedly. "I need to write to my parents and the Weasleys."

"Oh, I don't know, Hermione..."Ron said nervously.

"Bring her whatever she needs , then you two need to be on your way,"Madame Pomfrey said. "Miss Granger needs rest."

Hermione wrote letters to her parents and Ron's parents and gave them to Harry to send off with Hedwig. She then wrote another letter and gave it to Harry.

"Give this to Draco,"Hermione said. Harry nodded and his heart rate went up at the thought of seeing Draco again for some strange reason. Harry left for the owlery leaving Ron and Hermione alone together.

"Everything's going to be ok, Hermione,"Ron said quietly. Hermione's eyes filled with tears.

"I hope so, Ron."

Note: Written by Black_ink for the amazing Moon110581.

Chapter 2: Letters

After leaving Hermione to rest in the Hospital Wing, Harry and Ron decided to respect Hermione’s wishes of sending out letters to those various people; those people being her parents, the Weasley’s, and Draco Malfoy.

But seeing that they had been called to see Hermione right before dinner, they knew they had to go back to the Great Hall. And besides, they were starving anyway. Harry could hear Ron’s stomach growling as they made their way there.

When Harry and Ron walked it, nobody really noticed since they were all eating and talking of what had happened over the summer break. Harry noticed that Ron was barely eating anything off his plate. He was probably wondering about Hermione and the fact that she was pregnant with their child. But what made it worse was the fact that they were brother and sister. Well, half-sister and half-brother, but its not like that helped or made a difference.

“Are you okay, Ron?” asked Harry. He turned to his right to look at Ron, but Ron just stared at his plate.

“Yeah, I’m okay. I’m just wondering what the child’s going to look like,” said Ron.

“Oh I… yeah,” said Harry. He thought Ron was upset at the fact that Hermione was pregnant, but apparently not.

“I hope it has red hair.”

“I can’t believe she seduced Draco,” said Harry, wondering how exactly she had done it.

Looking up from his plate, Harry saw Draco getting up from the Slytherin table without his cronies Crabbe and Goyle. Harry nudged Ron lightly. When Ron turned to him, Harry nodded his head in the direction of Draco and Ron looked.

“Yeah so. Its Draco.” Ron turned back to his plate.

“We have to give Draco the letter from Hermione,” said Harry, as he stood up. Ron just turned back to his food. “Oh fine. I’ll bloody do it.”

Harry caught Draco just as he was about to walk down to the Dungeons. “Draco!”

Draco turned quickly. “What, Harry?” Harry reached into his pocket. Draco thought that Harry was going to jinx his so he pulled out his wand, but lost control of it and it hit Harry across the face.

“Ow!” exclaimed Harry. Draco reached down to get his wand. “What was that for?”

“I thought you were going to jinx me,” said Draco. Harry handed Draco the letter from Hermione. “What’s this?”

“A letter from Hermione,” said Harry, as he turned to leave.

“Wait. You know that she seduced me?”

Yeah. She told me.”

“Well, I only went along because she put a spell on herself to look like you,” said Draco, nervously. Harry’s was shocked at what Draco had said. “I have to go. Thanks for the letter.” Draco turned and left Harry by himself… or so he thought.

“Hello, Harry,” said a high-pitched voice behind him. Harry quickly turned and saw Moaning Myrtle flying around excitedly.

“Hello, Myrtle.”

Harry began to walk away when Moaning Myrtle called after him. “I heard the conversation between you and Draco. You should be careful, Harry, you never know who’s listening.”

Harry stopped walking and turned to look at Myrtle. “What do you want?” asked Harry, as he eyed Myrtle suspiciously.

Myrtle flew closer to him. “I want you to come and visit me in the girls bathroom on the second floor or else I’ll tell the other students about you and Draco Malfoy.”

“Fine,” said Harry, defeated.

Myrtle smiled to herself mischievously. “I’ll see you soon, Harry.” She flew away giggling loudly. Harry walked to the Owlry and sent off the other letters.

That night. The corridors of Hogwarts:

McGonagall walked through the corridors of Hogwarts quietly and with some grace. After walking for some time, she decided to transform into her animagus of a tabby cat. She rather preferred being a cat to being human sometimes.

Her paws quietly hit the floor as she walked onto the seventh floor. She heard a sound and walked around the corner to see another cat. The cat looked familiar to McGonagall, but she couldn’t quite place it.

McGonagall walked up to the strange cat and spoke to it in cat, “Who’s cat are you?”

“Hermione Grangers. And I have a name, human,” purred the cat, offended.

“You know I’m human?” purred McGonagall.

“Indeed. Only a human would ask a question like that.”

“Well, then what’s your name?”

“Crookshanks,” purred the cat to McGonagall. The two talked some more that night and nights following. Eventually the liking for each other grew more and more.

The Burrow:

It was a bright and sunny and very early in morning. Mrs. Weasley was still asleep upstairs. Mr. Weasley was in the kitchen making tea before he had to go to work, when Pig came flying awkwardly in. He landed on the kitchen table, out of breath.

Mr. Weasley took the letter from Pig and gave him some bread, which he was grateful for. He opened the letter and then sipped his tea while reading.

Mr. and Mrs. Weasley,

You’ve probably been wondering where I have been during the summer. (“No not really,” thought Mr. Weasley.) Don’t worry I have been at Hogwarts, specifically in the Hospital Wing. While being on the Hogwarts Express, I fell into a coma. I woke up today and knew I had to send you a letter. I had to tell you that I am pregnant with Ron’s child. Knowing recent news about Ron and me being related, I have to say that I am now in a state of shock. I have also been told of more alarming news: that I have a brain tumor. Please write back as soon as possible,

Hermione

Mr. Weasley was in so much shock that he fainted, the letter still in his hand.

Chapter 3: Sordid Affairs

Inside the Hospital Wing:

Hermione's head hurt. She wasn't concerned at this point, though, as she knew she had a tumor and that at any stressful or upsetting moment her head could explode, but it was a bit annoying. Besides, how on earth was she going to avoid stress when she was pregnant with her half-brother's child, who's also her best friend Ron, and she had just sent letters to their parents telling them all about it?

Madame Pomfrey kept forcing her to drink relaxation potions, but they didn't seem to help. She just hoped that, with any luck, her child would be born before her head exploded. But she wanted the tumor to disappear as well, though she was not so certain it would.

Her one constant companion, who usually could distract her from her thoughts, was missing, however. Crookshanks, her fluffy ginger cat had yet to return from his wanderings, and Hermione was concerned that something might have happened to him. Then she'd feel guilty about endangering the life of her baby and herself for unduly stressing herself out and get all the more frustrated with herself. Her head bulged and throbbed with the desire to explode.

The Third Floor Trophy Room:

Crookshanks was once again rendezvousing with Professor McGonagall in her tabby cat form. He waited nervously by the edge of a trophy case in the darkened room, twitching his tail as he heard her paw prints upon the floor and the sound of her purrs growing nearer.

"Minerva, I though you'd never arrive,” Crookshanks purred as his gray striped object of adoration stepped seductively into a patch of moonlight shining upon the floor and gazed at him lovingly.

"Oh, my dear Crookshanks, nothing could keep me from your warm, fluffy embrace,” McGonagall replied. "How I count the hours during my day of classes until I can finally meet you again."

"Oh, Minerva, I can't wait all day any more! Meet me tomorrow morning between your first two classes!" Crookshanks exclaimed boldly.

"The risk would be too great!" McGonagall lamented. "The mortification I would suffer should we be discovered would be more than I could handle."

"Are you ashamed of me, Minerva?"

"No, my dear sweet Crookshanks, but how could my peers ever begin to understand the love I share with a cat, when I am human?"

"Must our love forever be kept secret?" asked Crookshanks, as he sighed, turning away from McGonagall.

"I don't know," whispered McGonagall, as she brushed up against Crookshanks’ furry side and licked his ear.

Girls Bathroom, Second Floor:

Draped beneath his invisibility cloak, Harry tiptoed his way downstairs to Myrtle's bathroom, where he found her wafting lazily around in circles waiting for him.

"What took you so long, Harry?" Myrtle simpered sweetly, after he took off his cloak.

"Look, Myrtle, I don't even know why I had to meet you. You can say whatever you want, but nothing has ever happened between me and Draco," said Harry, trying not to get angry.

"Oh, but something could...." Myrtle said.

"What's it to you, then?" Harry demanded, looking Myrtle in the eye.

"Well, I’ll just tell you how it is. I have recently found myself in need of some money. You have recently found yourself not needing any more bad publicity. I will be expecting regular payments of 5 Galleons a week slipped under the door of my stall, or everyone will find out about your new crush!" shrieked Myrtle, before giggling evilly.

"Myrtle, I don't mean to be insensitive…no, wait. I do. What on earth could you possibly need money for? I mean, you are dead," said Harry, being very forward.

"OH THAT'S RIGHT! WHAT DOES A SAD LITTLE DEAD GIRL NEED MONEY FOR?!" Myrtle shouted hysterically. "YOU LISTEN TO ME, POTTER! YOU'LL PAY ME THAT MONEY OR EVERYONE IN THIS DAMN SCHOOL WILL FIND OUT ABOUT YOUR SORDID SLYTHERIN LOVE AFFAIR!!"

And with that, Myrtle swooped up into the air and splashed loudly into her toilet, sobbing quietly to herself in the u-bend. Unnerved, Harry exited the bathroom and headed back up the staircase quickly. As he ran down the hall, he went around a sharp corner and slammed right into Draco Malfoy. The invisibility cloak slid off his shoulders as he rolled onto his side.

"Draco! What are you doing out at this time of night?" Harry asked in shock.

"I....I couldn't sleep. I've been thinking about you,” said Draco, looking Harry in the eye and then turning away to look at the floor.

The Burrow:

"SO! When exactly were you going to tell me about this little strumpet?" Mrs. Weasley bellowed at her husband. "Who was she? Some little muggle tart with a interest in long hard wands?”

"Molly!" Arthur gasped, scandalized. "Compose yourself! I think you're missing the bigger issue, which would be Hermione possibly on the verge of death while pregnant with our son's child and being my daughter!"

"Oh, so you don't think we need to discuss your naughty fling with miss muggle of the month?" Molly hissed.

"Maybe we should discuss this after you've calmed down. Why don't you have a cup of tea?"

"Why don't I hit you over the head with the kettle, you cheatin' bastard?" Molly shrieked. Arthur, having had his fill of his wife's psychotic display, began packing a trunk. "What are you doing now?"

"I'm packing my trunk. I intend to go to Hogwarts and discuss this terrible situation with my children. You are welcome to come," Arthur said, and he continued to pack.

"Oh bugger off!" Molly snapped, and she retired to her room with her bottle of firewhiskey.

As Arthur continued to pack, Molly continued to drink, finding more and more comfort in the bottle, until she eventually passed out, drooling onto the knitted bedspread.

Hogwarts Grounds:

Meanwhile, out of the black mists of the cold black night, there emerged a black figure in black robes. He traveled towards the huge oak doors of Hogwarts castle, his face hidden by his black hood. Whoever this stranger was, there was certainly something Black about him....

Chapter 4: A Little Bag of Gold

Hogwarts Grounds--Middle of the night:

“Hold it right there, yeh sneak!" Hagrid bellowed as he approached the black figure crossing the school grounds. Hagrid had his crossbow pointed at him. The shadowy figure raised his hands and slowly turned around.

"Don't shoot," the man said. Hagrid's eyes bulged as he saw the man's face and he almost dropped his crossbow on his foot.

"But yer...yer supposed to dead!" Hagrid exclaimed in shock.

"Well…I'm not, "Sirius Black replied, with a dazed grin. "I would enjoy a cup of tea, though, if you don't mind."

"Err, sure, sure! Come on up to the house, then!" Hagrid said after his voice started working again.

The two men headed back across the grassy grounds to the edge of the forest, where Hagrid had his modest hut. Hagrid opened the door and pushed Fang away from the door to let Sirius in. He then started getting out the tea things while Sirius took off his cloak and sat down in a chair by the fire.

"Err…I was sure yeh were dead. Harry was goin' on abou’ it for a time," Hagrid said as he poured tea into cups. "He said he saw it happen!"

"Oh posh, all I did was fall through a curtain! Since when does that kill a person?" Sirius said mildly, accepting the tea cup from Hagrid.

"Well, uh, yeah, that did, err, sound a bit odd. But yeh knows they've got all sorts of odd things down in the Department of Mysteries," Hagrid said, offering Sirius some suspicious-looking rock cakes.

"There's really not a bit of mystery to it at all! Bellatrix threw a sleeping spell at me that sent me through the curtain, out the other side, and rolling across the room underneath an old tapestry. Then, because of the spell, I've been asleep there until yesterday when it wore off and nobody bothered to look for me!" Sirius explained, declining a cake.

Hagrid looked a bit skeptical of this.

"Hmmm....Well I know Harry'll be glad to see yeh," he said, sitting down with his tea.

"There's the thing, though. Now that I know everyone thinks I'm dead, I think I should just keep letting them think that. You know, stay undercover for the good of the Order. If You-Know-Who thinks I'm dead, there are all sorts of things I could do!" Sirius said.

"Well....I suppose...."Hagrid said slowly.

"But I have to warn Harry. He's in serious trouble!"

"More than usual?" Hagrid asked. Now he was beginning to get worried.

"Yes! I have to be able to keep an eye on him without him finding out I'm alive," Sirius said. "There are dangers he must be warned about.”

"Uh huh. And why is he not suppose to know yer alive, again?" Hagrid asked.

"I suppose I could wear a disguise," Sirius said thoughtfully, ignoring Hagrid's question.

"You could disguise yerself as a professor and see Harry every day," Hagrid suggested thoughtfully.

"Right! Great idea! But professor of what?”

Hagrid mulled this over awhile, as did Sirius.

"I know! You could teach health class! Dumbledore's bin wanting someone ter teach a health class, especially to some of the older students," Hagrid said.

Sirius considered this. He could be close to Harry without giving himself away. He’ll be able to eat in the same room and could roam the halls at night near the Gryffindor Common Room. Harry could be safer.

"I suppose that will work. Now I need to find a disguise…”

The Next Morning--The Hospital Wing:

Hermione awoke to a loud clattering noise and voices.

"Oh, Molly, for heaven's sake, look what you've done now! Pull yourself together!" she heard Arthur say.

"Get away from me, you ruddy bastard!" she heard a voice say that sounded a bit like Molly. She looked over towards the noise, moving her head carefully, and saw Molly had knocked over an entire shelf full of various bottles. Arthur was bending down to try and clean up the mess.

"Oh, Hermione! You're awake," Arthur said cheerfully when he saw her.

"Yes, I am now," Hermione said. Molly stumbled a bit then took a big gulp from a flask she had in her knitting bag. "Are you alright, Mrs. Weasley?"

"She's fine, fine," Arthur said hurriedly, coming over to the bed. "But what about you? We got your letter, I feel just terrible about all this.”

"I'm the one who should feel terrible. It's really all my fault."

"How have you been doing?" asked Arthur, ignoring Hermione little rants.

"Well, my head feels a little odd from time to time. I'm hoping it won't explode, and if it does, I hope it will at least wait until after I have the baby. And then there's all the classes I'm missing…

"Don't worry about your classes right now," Arthur said. "In fact, according to Madame Pomfrey, you shouldn't be worrying about anything at all, or, err, your head might explode..."

"Not worry? You might as well ask me to stop breathing at this point," Hermione said irritably.

"I know how hard this must be, but you must try to remain calm...." Arthur’s soothing words were suddenly interrupted by the doors opening and her parents rushing in.

"Hermione! Oh my heavens...!" Mrs. Granger cried as she hurried over to her daughter. "Your letter...I just don't know what to say..." She looked up at Arthur's grim face as he avoided her gaze.

"Hermione, I just hope you'll be alright," her father said, coming over to her bed.

"Thanks, dad," Hermione said.

"So! Here's the little trollop, then!" Molly suddenly snapped, stumbling towards Mrs. Granger. Mrs. Granger took a startled step back.

"Oh, Molly, really....."Arthur muttered.

"I beg your pardon?" Mrs. Granger said fiercely, glaring at Molly.

"You heard me, you harlot!" exclaimed Molly to Mrs. Granger. Her face was beginning to get red in anger.

"How dare you speak to me like that!"

Hermione's head began to throb.

"I'll speak to you any way I want, you husband-stealing hussy!" Molly barked, giving Mrs. Granger an unsteady shove. Mrs. Granger gasped in shock.

"Molly, it was years ago!" Arthur said loudly. "I think there's more important issues at hand. And really, do you feel we must resort to pushing?"

"Oh yes! Keep changing the subject, then!" Molly bellowed, pulling out her wand. Arthur gasped and dove for her, but Mrs. Granger didn't realize what was going on until it was too late. There was a flash of light and Mrs. Granger suddenly erupted in boils all over her body.

"Oh God! Oh, what have you done, you horrible woman!" Mrs. Granger yelled as boils burst on her face. She dived for Molly, who lunged backward, lost her balance, and fell over. Mr. Granger ran over to stop his wife from attacking Molly.

"Molly, you've attacked a Muggle! What will the Ministry think? I just know there will be a hearing!” Arthur sputtered, staring in shock at his drunken wife.

Everyone suddenly stopped as Hermione let out a blood-chilling scream.

The Great Hall:

Ron and Harry were eating dinner in the Great Hall, neither one of them in an exceptionally good mood.

"I suppose we should go visit Hermione after dinner," Ron said to his plate. "My parents are probably here already."

"You go on ahead, Ron," Harry said distractedly.

"What are you talking about? What are you going to do?" Ron asked, turning to Harry.

"I just have a lot going on right now," Harry said, staring down into his plate.

"More than me and Hermione? Seriously, I don't see how you could possibly be having a worse time than us right now," Ron said glumly.

"I'm sorry, Ron, you're right....I just.....I can't even talk about it," Harry said. Ron looked worried.

"You're not pregnant too, are you?" Ron asked, almost afraid of what Harry might say. To his relief, Harry gave him stunned grin.

"No, Ron, but thank you for asking," Harry said with a smile, but it was soon gone. "Let's just drop it." They ate in silence for a little while, then Ron spoke up again.

"Hey, did you see the announcement in the common room?" Ron asked.

"No, I must have missed it."

"There's a sign-up sheet for a new health class," Ron said.

"Wow, Ron, I can't believe you didn't tell me until now," Harry said, quite sarcastically.

"Well, I'm signing up. You just never know what you might learn in health class," Ron said. Harry raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah, like how not to impregnate your sister, I imagine," he said rudely before getting up and walking away.

Room of Requirement:

Harry paced up and down the hallway outside the room of requirement, concentrating until the door finally appeared and he entered.

There was Draco, sprawled across a large four-poster bed in the middle of a elegant candlelit bedroom created by the room and Malfoy's imagination. Harry was a little surprised Malfoy had an imagination.

"I hoped you would come," Malfoy said, as he leaned over to the nightstand and poured Harry a glass of mead. "Here, it's Rosemerta's finest.”

Harry walked over to the bed and accepted the glass of wine. He took several large gulps. It had been a difficult week.

"Look, Draco, I don't know how I feel about this quite yet," Harry said, sitting on the end of the bed. But he did. He looked at Malfoy's pale, pointed face, and the way his blond hair hung over his forehead. He was almost mesmerized by the way his dark eyes stared into his.

"Harry, it's okay…" Malfoy said, moving across the bed closer to Harry. That's when Harry heard a nasty little giggle from the door. He turned and saw Moaning Myrtle.

"Well, now, Harry, you don't have much of a defense any more, do you? I'll expect my first payment tomorrow morning!" Myrtle said triumphantly, and with that she swooshed back under the door.

"Damn it, Malfoy! Why didn't you make it so no one could find us?" Harry yelled as he got up from the bed.

"I didn't know anyone would be looking for us!" Malfoy said defensively. "What was she talking about?”

"She's blackmailing me!" Harry confessed. "She'll tell the whole school we're having a scandalous affair unless I pay her regularly.”

"But what does a ghost need money for?" Draco asked, puzzled.

"I don't know, but it doesn't really matter, does it?"

"Don't worry, Harry," Draco said smoothly. "We'll get through this together."

Staff Room:

Professor McGonagall sat stiffly in a chair by the fire, looking pale and scared. Professor Sprout sat by her side, patting her hand.

"Oh Pomona, what am I going to do?" McGonagall cried.

"There, there, Minerva, it can't be as bad as all that, can it?" Professor Sprout said gently.

"You don't understand. I'm in trouble, and I can't tell anyone. No one would understand."

"Surely you must be exaggerating," Professor Sprout replied.

"Oh yes, Pomona, I'm known for excessive exaggeration," McGonagall said witheringly.

"Well there's no need to get snippy, Minerva. I'm in no mood after that Venomous Tentacula today."

"I'm sorry, I just don't know what to do."

"Maybe you should tell Dumbledore, then. He always knows what to do."

Professor McGonagall burst into tears. Professor Sprout was unnerved by this display. She hadn't seen Professor McGonagall lose her composure like this before.

"Oh, Pomona, I'm pregnant!" McGonagall shouted angrily. Sprout was floored.

"Pregnant? I'm stunned your even young enough to still get pregnant! I know I went through my time last year, and menopause is a bit-”

"It's worse than that. You wouldn't even believe who the father is…” McGonagall said, starting to weep again.

"Well if it's Snape I say get rid of it, and quick!" Sprout said fiercely.

"It's worse than Severus," McGonagall said severely.

"Who could be as bad as all that except for You-Know-Who....?"

"Okay, well maybe not that bad, but still pretty bad," McGonagall said.

"It's not a student, is it?!" Sprout suddenly gasped.

"What kind of fiend do you take me for Pomona?!" McGonagall cried hysterically. "Oh yes! Me and Neville Longbottom are having a hot passionate rendezvous every night out on the Quidditch Pitch!”

"That is not even funny, Minerva! And I don't know why you're even going on to me about all this if you're not even going to tell me what the hell you're talking about!" Sprout shouted angrily. McGonagall looked a bit startled.

"Oh you're right, Pomona. I'm just upset. You see, the father isn't even human…”

Professor Sprout's eyes widened and her mouth fell open as Professor McGonagall told her about her secret meetings with Crookshanks the cat.

"Minerva, what on earth were you thinking?"

"Believe me, Pomona Sprout, if you'd ever had sex in cat form with another cat you'd know why I did it," McGonagall said.

"My goodness, I should hope I wouldn't! And now you're telling me you're somehow going to have to give birth to kittens?”

"I don't know what I'm going to give birth to! Are they more human, or more cat? Which one should I be when I have whatever they are? How many will I have? I think you can see my dilemma!"

"And how do you know there'll be more than one?" Professor Sprout said. "You might just have one utterly bizarre cat-baby!"

"Oh, you do know how to raise my spirits," McGonagall said in a glum sarcasm.

"I'm sorry, Minerva, and you're right. No one would understand. You need me to be understanding right now.”

"What should I do?"

"Well maybe you should talk to Hagrid," Professor Sprout said.

"Why on earth should I talk to Hagrid? Had a lot of cat-babies recently, has he?" McGonagall snapped.

"No of course not, but he is the Care of Magical Creatures professor, and if anyone would know anything about this, it would probably be him."

"Only if the thing I gave birth to was twenty feet tall and ate people, maybe."

"Don't be so negative!"

"You're right. What else can we do?"

Hospital Wing:

Everyone had calmed down a bit at this point. Mrs. Granger was now in the bed on Hermione's right while Madame Pomfrey treated her boils. Mrs. Weasley was now in the bed on Hermione's left, sleeping off her drunkenness. Mr. Granger, having no idea what he should be doing or saying, had starting leafing through a book on wizard dental procedures he had found in a drawer, while Arthur talked to Hermione and Ron, who had arrived only a few minutes earlier.

"I'm sorry for screaming like that, but I figured I had to do something before you all made my head explode right then and there," Hermione said.

"I understand, Hermione," Arthur said softly.

"Why didn't you tell us we were siblings right off the bat, Dad?" Ron asked curiously.

"Oh Ron, I was ashamed! And I knew your mother would react badly, though I never imagined her reacting quite this badly..." They all looked over at Molly's slumped form as she snored loudly. "Anyway, it's in the past, and what's done is done. We are just going to have to live with whatever happens. I'm so sorry for having put you in danger, Hermione."

"It's not your fault Mr. Weasley," Hermione said sadly.

"Is there any hope?" Arthur asked.

"Madame Pomfrey told me earlier that healers from St. Mungo's are going to be coming to look me over. Maybe they can do something," Hermione said, daring to sound hopeful. Ron went to give her a comforting hug, then remembered she was his sister again and pulled back.

"How are you holding up, Ron?" Hermione asked, seeing his resistance.

"Alright, considering what’s happening right now. I signed up for the new health class they're offering and got Harry to sign up too, though he's been acting odd lately.”

"What do you mean?" Hermione asked, looking concerned. Ron suddenly remembered she wasn't supposed to get stressed out.

"Oh, I'm sure it's nothing...he must just be worried about you."

"Well then you'd think he might visit more often…" Hermione said sadly.

The Next Day:

Harry ran up and left a bag of gold in Myrtle's bathroom before joining Ron for health class. They entered the classroom and laid eyes on the most bizarre-looking professor they had ever seen...

Professor Sprout led Professor McGonagall across the school grounds towards Hagrid's hut. After hesitating only a moment, Professor McGonagall reached up and knocked loudly on the door...

Myrtle counted out the galleons on the floor of her bathroom, smiling to herself greedily. "Now my plan can begin!" she whispered triumphantly…

In the hospital wing, Arthur was trying to rouse Molly. The Grangers slept on as Hermione twisted in her bed, letting out a groan of discomfort as a small bulge formed on the side of her head...

Lies, Laughs, and Unhappiness

Olive Newton lived a quiet life in the country with her husband Roger. They were both in their sixties and retired from jobs at the Ministry of Magic. Olive was making tea and was bringing the biscuits into the parlor for Roger when she saw the two men Apparate in her yard. One was short and shabby-looking, the other large and unpleasant.

"You expectin' company, today, dear?" Olive asked as she watched the men approach. Roger was dozing over the plate of biscuits, snoring softly. "Roger! Wake up, ya old fool!"

Roger awoke with a start, looking around groggily.

"What's wrong with yeh, woman?" he grunted.

"Are you expectin' company? There's men coming up the walk," Olive asked him. Roger looked out the parlor window and snorted.

"There probably just collectin' for the poor again or something," Roger said, though he didn't really believe it. There was a loud knocking on the front door. "Yeh better see what they want, then."

Olive hurried to the door and opened it, looking upon the two men. The shorter one smelled quite a little bit, she observed.

"Good morning, missus," the shorter one said, bowing slightly. "We're going to need you to come with us."

"Why?" Olive asked sternly, looking at them over her spectacles fiercely. This seemed to confuse the men for a moment.

"Err, we can't tell ya," the short man said uncomfortably. The other one nodded in agreement.

"I'm not going anywhere with you two unless you tell me what yer up to and that's that!" Olive said, stepping towards them a few steps so they could see the long sturdy cane she clutched in her gnarled hand. The larger man sighed and spoke for the first time.

"I'm sorry, missus, but you don't have a choice. Now we're asking politely for you to come with us," the man said calmly.

"Has this got something to do with the Ministry?" Olive asked.

"Err, yes'm, the Ministry...needs your advice on something..." the shorter man said feebly, looking nervously over at his partner. Olive raised an eyebrow.

"Well I'm not going anywhere without my husband," she said. The two men looked startled.

"Yer husband?" the taller one said in surprise. Olive shuffled back into the house, her cane thumping on the flowery rug on the hall floor.

"Come on, Roger, we have to go up to the Ministry for a spell," Olive called as she hurried into the parlor. Roger awoke once again, confused.

"Why?"

"Hell if I know."

Hogwarts:

Harry and Ron's jaws dropped open as they stared at their new health teacher. The “woman” wore a large old-fashioned blue wig and sequined glasses. Her make-up was thick and garish, and she wore a very bright spotted green scarf, that looked remarkably like Hagrid's handkerchief, around her thick neck. The shapeless brown dress she wore was punctuated by two enormous, protruding breasts, which looked as though two gourds had been shoved down her cleavage. She was obviously a man.

“Bloody hell, Harry, what is that?" Ron whispered as they sat down in their seats. Everyone was staring at the new teacher with a startled expression on their faces.

"Well its not a woman, if that's what you're asking," Harry said. This was another startling reminder of his own confusing questions about his sexuality and it wasn't improving his mood.

"Good morning, class, I'm Professor Persephone, and I'm going to be teaching the new health class," the thing said to the class in a weird, high-pitched voice. The class stared at the professor uneasily. "Now! Who can tell me what a penis is?"

Hagrid's Hut:

"Professor McGonagall! Professor Sprout! Well, come on in! I'll put on some tea," Hagrid said, welcoming the two women into his hut and holding back Fang from drooling all over McGonagall's robes.

"Hagrid, we've come to ask for your help with something," Professor Sprout said as she sat down at the table. "It's very secret and you can't tell anyone. However, we felt that since you are the Care of Magical Creatures Professor you might have some insight into Minerva's problem."

"Bump into a blood-suckin' bugbear, did she?" Hagrid asked, noticing McGonagall’s pale, worried face.

"No, Hagrid, I didn't," she said coldly. "I've been impregnated by a cat."

This proclamation was followed by a rather awkward silence as Hagrid tried to wrap his brain around that little conundrum.

"Err, how's that again?" Hagrid said. McGonagall sighed irritably.

"I...I had an affair with Crookshanks the cat while I was in cat form, you know I'm an Animagus, and now I’m pregnant. I don't know what I'm going to give birth to or how I'm going to give birth or what I'm going to do."

"Hmm...That’s a problem, all right," Hagrid said miserably. He was regretting ever answering the door. "I've never heard o' such a thing."

"Well, Pomona, I knew this was a mistake," McGonagall said, rising from her chair, flushed with embarrassment.

"Alright, just sit back down a minute," Hagrid said, resigning himself to his fate. "Here's what I think you should do. None of us know what you're going to give birth to and there's no way we're going to find out. So there's nothing to do but go on about yer business for now. When you start feelin' like yer going into labor, come on over here and we'll get it taken care of."

"Oh but really, shouldn't she be taken to St. Mungo's ?" Professor Sprout said nervously.

"Absolutely not!" McGonagall barked. "The whole school will find out! Thank you for your help Hagrid. I'll see you again soon."

Hospital Wing:

"Oh dear, yes it looks like you're bulging," Madame Pomfrey said as she examined Hermione's head. Hermione gasped. "Well maybe it will be alright. It doesn't necessarily mean your head's about to explode."

"What else could it mean? There's a storm coming?" Hermione snapped.

"Well that's probably not the case, but you never know. Dedalus Diggle's nose always bulged out when a storm was brewing," Madame Pomfrey said inanely.

"Where did everyone go?" Hermione asked, looking around the empty wing.

"Oh, I sent them to Hogsmeade. I thought they might be upsetting you too much," Madame Pomfrey replied.

Hermione was secretly grateful.

Much Later at Hogwarts:

"Alright, class, I want two feet of parchment on the signs and symptoms of gonorrhea, due tomorrow," Professor Persephone crowed as the class filed out of the room feeling uncomfortably dirty.

"I forgot to thank you for roping me into this," Harry said to Ron as they hurried out into the corridor.

"Right. I don't know what I was thinking," Ron said miserably. Ron headed for the staircase up to the Gryffindor common room. "You coming, Harry?"

"You go on ahead, Ron, I forgot my...uh..." Ron waited patiently while Harry desperately tried to think of something. "Err...my...Potions book! Yeah, I left my potions book back in the library, so I'll, err, just meet you up there later."

"Sure, Harry," Ron said, and he stomped up towards the common room. Harry felt a bit guilty about deceiving Ron, but Draco had told him to meet him in the dungeons and the very thought of seeing Draco again made Harry feel all hot and bothered. He hurried to a secret passage behind a portrait of an ugly witch trying to make a goat drink an unpleasant-looking potion. He followed the dim stone passageway down a curving staircase and emerged behind a suit of armor near the entrance to the dungeons.

Harry had only been down in the dungeons for potions class and had never wandered around down there. Draco had told him to meet him in the old storage room just past the old torture chamber, but Harry wasn't entirely sure where that was. He had stupidly left the marauder's map in his trunk next to his bed and so had nothing to consult as he followed the stairs into the dark, torch-lit dungeons. It was cold and musty down in the dungeons, and Harry heard a faint noise echoing down the hallway. The noise grew louder as he followed the passageway deeper into the dungeons until he realized it was the sound of an old woman weakly calling for help. He followed the sound of the voice into the old torture chamber.

Harry pushed open the heavy wooden door of the chamber and looked into the torch-lit gloom.

"Oh thank heavens, you dear boy, you must get us out of here," called the voice. Harry spotted an old woman and a snoring old man inside a large cage hanging from the ceiling. She was clutching her brown sweater over her skinny shoulders and banging her cane on the bars of the cage.

"Who are you? What are you doing down here?" Harry asked.

"My husband Roger and I have apparently been kidnapped by ruffians and locked in this cage. I don't know why, but these damp and cold dungeons are makin' my arthritis act up," the old woman said. Harry heard footsteps behind him and Draco walked into the room.

"The old torture chamber? I didn't realize you were so kinky, Potter, but if you insist..." Draco trailed off when he saw the old folks in the cage. "What the hell?"

"Someone's trapped this woman and her husband in this cage," Harry said. "Can you see a way to get them out?”

“We could try casting Alohomora," Draco said. He raised his wand to cast the spell, but suddenly stopped as Moaning Myrtle suddenly burst out of the stone wall.

"Put your wand down, please!" Myrtle snapped. "Harry Potter, you are certainly a thorn in my side this year."

“Myrtle, what are you up to?" Harry asked. "Is this what you wanted money for?"

"Yes, Harry, I needed the money to hire the thugs to kidnap this woman, although I was surprised to see she had a husband," Myrtle said irritably. "At last I can have my revenge!"

"Your revenge? Against who? This old woman and her feeble husband?" Harry asked.

"Oh, so you haven't introduced yourselves yet, I take it? Harry, Draco, I'd like you to meet my arch-nemesis, Olive Hornby! Although now she most likely has a different last name. The Ministry stepped in when I tried to haunt her shortly after my death, but now I've got her in my clutches! HAHAHA! MAKE FUN OF MY GLASSES WILL YOU?"

"Oh for heaven's sake, Myrtle, I'm an old woman! That was when we were children! If you weren't dead I'd say you've lost your mind!" Olive cackled from her cage.

“OH THAT'S RIGHT! POOR CRAZY MOANING MYRTLE! STILL CRAZY EVEN THOUGH SHE'S DEAD!" Myrtle shrieked angrily.

"What do you hope to accomplish, you dreadful little dead girl?" Olive hissed. "I've already got one foot in the grave, I'll probably die of pneumonia down in these damp dungeons. And what did Roger ever do to you?"

Myrtle ignored Olive and turned towards Harry and Draco angrily.

"As for you two, if you tell anyone what's going on down here, the whole school will know about your secret homo love affair!”

"Well we haven't actually had the opportunity yet, as we keep getting interrupted..."Draco said sulkily.

"SO WHAT? I can spread all kinds of lies about the two of you. You two just forget you were ever inside this dungeon, or I'll ruin your reputations and have Mundungus throw you in the cage with the old coots!" Myrtle barked.

"Come on, Draco," Harry said, leading Draco out of the chamber. The old woman in the cage gripped the bars with her arthritic hands; her eyes filling with tears as she watched her only chance of escape walk out the door. Myrtle smiled an evil smile as she turned back to Olive, sipping in her pain and reveling in it.

Over the next few weeks the rumors began to spread throughout the castle about McGonagall's stomach ailment. It became all to obvious to her students that something was going on with her, as her stomach seemed to be bulging ever so slightly with every passing day.

Harry and Ron took their seats in their morning Transfiguration class, noting the foul look on McGonagall's face that suggested the first person to bring up her stomach problem would be hung from their ankles in the dungeons. She didn't look like she was gaining weight other than in her stomach, which was obviously expanding and bulging. Harry was certain he saw one of the bulges move ever so slightly.

"What do you reckon is wrong with her?"Ron whispered to Harry once the class had begun.

"I don't know, she almost looks pregnant,"Harry said, though unwilling to believe it.

"Pregnant? She's older than dirt!"Ron hissed in Harry's ear. Harry shrugged. He had other things to think about.

He and Draco had cooled it since discovering the elderly couple locked up in a cage in the school dungeons by Moaning Myrtle, but he knew it was driving Draco crazy. It was driving him a bit crazy, truthfully, and he knew he needed to get together with Draco again soon. Also, he'd been having Dobby the house-elf take Olive and Roger meals three times a day, but he knew he couldn't let Myrtle's dastardly plan continue on. He was wondering if he should just bite the bullet and go tell Dumbledore everything. In the meantime, he and Ron had been going to see Hermione in the hospital wing whenever they had a free moment, but Harry was fairly certain Hermione was rather annoyed by their infrequent visits and the fact Ron didn't want to seem to talk about the fact that Hermione's his sister, pregnant with his unborn child, and that her head could explode at any moment.

With all of this going on along with the rumors about McGonagall and the increasingly uncomfortable Health classes with Professor Persephone, Harry was starting to think fighting Lord Voldemort again might actually be preferable.

Down in the dungeons, Professor Snape's Newt-Level potions class was commencing. He stalked out of his office into the dank classroom and looked over the students in his class.

"First of all, I would like everyone to turn in their homework from last night. You either have it or you fail. No excuses,"Snape said unpleasantly, walking between the tables collecting rolls of parchment. There was a sudden shriek from somewhere in the dungeons.

"What was that?"Snape demanded. The class looked befuddled. Well, in Snape's opinion, they usually looked befuddled, but now they seemed especially so. "What was that sound?"

Suddenly, there was another shriek, this time obviously a woman was yelling.

"Somebody help us! Get us out of this filthy dungeon!"a woman's voice echoed through the corridors. Most of the class turned to look out the door. Snape's brow furrowed. "Help! Something's wrong with my husband, he needs help!"

"If anybody moves from their seats while I'm gone you will all get detention for a month," Snape hissed, moving towards the door. The class watched, fascinated, as Snape leaned out through the doorway, looking down both sides of the corridor.

"Somebody! Anybody! We need some bloody help down here!!"the woman bellowed. Snape moved slowly down the corridor, removing his wand and holding it ready. He briefly investigated the few chambers off the corridor nearby and determined they were empty.

"Get us the hell out of this bloody cage!!"the woman barked, and Snape then knew that the voice was coming from the old torture chamber. He did not, however, know what was going on, and that really pissed him off.

After a long and uncomfortable Transfiguration lesson, McGonagall finally excused the class and hurried to her office. Harry and Ron now had a free period.

"Shall we go visit Hermione again?"Ron suggested.

"Yes, I suppose we should,"Harry said defeatedly. Truthfully, what he wanted to do was go find Draco, but he knew that would probably only lead to more trouble. Not to mention, an angry complaint from Hermione for not caring enough about her health and well-being to visit her more often.

"Maybe if we brought our books with us she'd help us with our homework,"Ron said.

"Ron! She's not to have any stress, she's pregnant, and her head could explode at any moment. I don't think having her help us with our homework would be in the best interest of her health,"Harry said, amazed at Ron's complete idiocy.

"Well, we can at least work on our homework while we're visiting,"Ron said. "Where are your books?" Harry looked around, puzzled. Then realization dawned.

"Oh no, I left them in Persephone's class...."Harry lamented. "You head on up, I'll run and get my books. I promise I'll meet you up there this time."

Ron looked skeptical, but nodded and hurried off towards the hospital wing while Harry hurried down towards Persephone's class.

When Harry reached the classroom, he spotted his books up near the front. Hurrying between the desks, he looked up towards Persephone's office and saw Professor Persephone sitting at her desk. She was shaving.

"Oh! Er, ah, Mr. Potter!"Professor Persephone suddenly said as she spotted her student steadily staring. "I...um...."

"Oh come off it, I know you're not a woman. Look, you don't even have your wig on!"Harry said irritably. He was not in the mood for this ridiculous teacher right now. Then something caught his eye and he looked back up at Professor Persephone. There was something familiar about that man pretending to be a woman. "Who are you?"

Professor Persephone wiped off the shaving cream and make-up.

"Harry, it's me,"she/he said quietly.

".....Sirius?"Harry whispered, his eyes widening...

Over in the hospital wing, Ron sat awkwardly tried to make small-talk with Hermione.

"So, er, how are things?"Ron asked, standing next to Hermione's bed.

"Simply grand, Ron, thank you so much for asking,"Hermione said icily. "Your mum got into a drunken brawl with my mum and Madame Pomfrey had to chase our parents off to Hogsmeade. Then the next morning, we discovered this delightful little bulge on the back of my head. How are things with you?"

"What do you mean, drunken brawl?"Ron asked, bewildered.

"Apparently your mum has taking up drinking....quite heavily. She could barely stand upright. She's also quite upset with Mr. Weasley for having had that affair with my mother, and called mum a 'harlot,' just before attacking her like a crazy person."

Ron was stunned. He had no idea what to even say to that. He decided to sit down on the bed next to her, his mind reeling from this current turn of events.

"Where is Harry? He promised me he be up here as soon as he got his books! I should've known better than to fall for that one again,"Ron muttered, mostly for lack of anything better to say.

"Ron, have you realized your going to be the father of your nephew here soon? Don't you think we should probably talk about that?"Hermione asked.

"I have been trying to avoid that particular discussion,"Ron said nervously. "I mean, I'm only fifteen, and I've just discovered the girl I like is my sister and she's pregnant with my child. Oh, and her head might explode. I really don't know what I'm suppose to do or think about any of it"

"You're right, Ron. It's all my fault, and I shouldn't be hassling you about it. It's just that you might end up a single parent before this school year's over,"Hermione said sadly.

"Hermione, technically I'll be a single parent either way, as we're brother and sister and can't marry anyway,"Ron said gruffly.

"Right. Good point....."Hermione said. They were silent for a few moments.

"How have you been feeling?"Ron asked, concerned.

"A lot better now that your hysterical drunken mother is gone. Mum and Dad have been in periodically to visit, and Arthur's been visiting, but he's made your mother stay in their room at the Hog's Head. I can feel the baby moving around a bit sometimes,"Hermione said. "My brain feels like it's moving around occasionally, also. That isn't nearly as fun."

"Isn't there anything else Madame Pomfrey can do?"Ron asked.

"She did say if I get any more bulges that there's a spell she can do that will entirely encase my head in cement,"Hermione said glumly.

"Well, that'd certainly keep your head from exploding. Be a bit hard to breathe, though."

"Yes. I imagine it would."

Down in the dungeons, Snape stepped into the torture chamber and spotted Olive and Roger hanging from the giant rusty cage, while Peeves the poltergeist flew around the top of the cage gleefully, throwing pebbles at Olive.

"Oh sir! Sir! You have to help us! We've been locked in this awful cage and that horrible little ghost won't leave us alone! Roger's passed out and I don't know what's the matter with him! Please get us out of here!,"Olive shrieked as soon as she saw Snape enter the room.

"PEEVES! OUT!"Snape shouted. Peeves dashed through the stone wall and disappeared. "Now, who are you and how did you get trapped down here?"

"I'm Olive Newton and this is my husband Roger. This dead girl named Myrtle that I went to school with managed to pay some ruffians to bring us here and lock us in this cage by blackmailing one of your students! Please, sir, let us out of here. My poor husband!"Olive babbled hysterically, holding on to Roger's arm.

"Let me see what I can do,"Professor Snape said, examining the cage, looking for a lock. There didn't seem to be a lock on it at all, or any way to open it.

There was suddenly a loud crack, and Mundungus Fletcher suddenly apparated in the middle of the room, who was joined immediately by a very angry Myrtle zooming out of the wall behind him.

"Get away from that cage!"Myrtle snarled. Snape scowled.

"Mundungus, I should have know you'd be involved in this foolishness,"Snape said, but before he could do anything, Mundungus had whipped out his wand.

"Petrificus Totalus!"he yelled, and a jet of light shot out of his wand, hitting Snape in the chest and immobilizing him completely. He fell over onto the floor with a dull thud.

"Mundungus?"Myrtle said sweetly, scowling at Olive. "Chain Snape to the wall, then go over there and poke Olive's husband with a stick. See what's wrong with him. I've got things I need to do..."

Back in Snape's classroom, all his students sat stiffly in their seats staring at the clock. They had heard the yelling, but weren't sure what was going on. Finally someone spoke up.

"Class ended ten minutes ago. I don't think Professor Snape intended us to stay even after the class was over,"a boy said. There were several people nodding in agreement to this, and soon, very bravely, the students made their way quickly out of the dungeons. No one was really concerned about what might have happened to Snape.

In Persephone's office, Harry's mind was reeling from this newest shock.

"I thought you were dead,"Harry said suspiciously, sitting down in front of the desk. "Everyone saw you die."

"Actually, nobody saw me die. Everybody saw me fall through a curtain! Why does everyone seem to think that falling through a curtain is fatal?"Sirius said. Harry mulled this over.

"Well then where have you been? If you've been alive all this time why have you gone on letting everyone think your dead?"Harry asked, suddenly angry.

"I figured if Voldemort thought I was dead, we'd have an advantage over him,"Sirius said.

"That doesn't make any sense whatsoever,"Harry said. "And besides, why wouldn't you at least tell me, your own godson?" Sirius seemed to think about this one before he answered.

"It was too dangerous, Harry, But that's why I came back to Hogwart's in disguise, so I could keep an eye on you! You're in terrible danger!"

"You mean more than usual?"Harry asked.

"Yes, considerably more than usual. That's why I've been masquerading as a teacher,"Sirius replied.

"Alright, then, what's the problem?"Harry asked. Sirius seemed puzzled.

"The problem with what?"he asked.

"What is this terrible danger I'm in?!"Harry asked angrily. Sirius still seemed puzzled.

"I..er...well, you see....I can't tell you,"he finally said.

"Why not?"

"Er....because...then you'd be in even more danger,"Sirius replied.

"Once again, that doesn't make any sense."

"Tell me, Harry, seen much of Draco Malfoy lately?"Sirius said. Harry was startled.

"What do you mean?"Harry asked.

"Ah. Just as I thought. Is there something going on between you two?"

"What, did you come back from the dead to berate me for having a gay love affair?"Harry asked..

"No, I'm trying to warn you, Harry,"Sirius said seriously.

"Well you're not doing a very good job of it! Warn me about what?"

"Harry, I-"

Suddenly, an echoing scream shattered the silence, coming from the Transfiguration corridor. Harry and Sirius jumped up and ran into the hall as another scream bellowed down the hallway, and Harry realized it was Professor McGonagall....

As the sun set behind the magnificent castle of Hogwarts, Hermione was finally starting to relax. The warm glow of twilight seeped into the hospital wing, the silence enveloping her like a comforting cocoon. A soft breeze wafted through the open window, bringing with it the scent of lilac from the blooming flowers near the greenhouses that hadn't been eaten by a more vicious variety of plant. As dusk fell she could see the faint points of light from the dancing fireflies of the Forbidden Forest, and hear the random chatter of her peers as they made their way through the castle. The clean white sheets of her hospital bed were cool against her skin, and her breathing slowed. Her long-lashed eyes began to close, and she began to drift off into dreams of a happier time.

That's when the heavy doors of the hospital wing were suddenly slammed open, as several people burst into the room, jolting Hermione back to reality violently. Wide-eyed and bewildered, she stared as Professor McGonagall was brought in, screaming and wailing, and put into a hospital bed.

"Madame Pomfrey!"a man yelled, and Hermione recognized Dumbledore, looking grave. "Madame Pomfrey, come quickly!"

Hermione spotted Professor Sprout, twisting her hands behind Dumbledore and standing next to Harry, who looked just as bewildered and was accompanied by what appeared to be a drag queen. That's when Crookshanks suddenly came zipping through the door, his ginger bottlebrush tail whipping back and forth fiercely.

"Crookshanks! Where have you been??"Hermione said, trying to get the cat to come to her. However, it strangely trotted over to McGonagall's bedside, staring up at everyone.

"You don't want to know,"Professor Sprout said sadly. Hermione was confused.

Madame Pomfrey came hurrying out of her office, looking startled by the sudden presence of the crowd of people, including the headmaster, that had just brought more chaos into her hospital wing. She then spotted Professor McGongall writhing on the bed, her stomach bulging and moving.

"My heavens,"Madame Pomfrey whispered as she hurried over to McGonagall. "Is this woman pregnant?"

"Yes, Madame Pomfrey. It has come to my attention that Professor McGonagall has allowed herself to be impregnated by a cat,"Dumbledore said quietly. Hermione's jaw dropped.

"How....?"Madame Pomfrey managed, staring down at the atrocity that was Minerva McGonagall.

"According to Professor Sprout, Minerva was engaged in a love affair with Crookshanks while in her tabby cat form,"Dumbledore proclaimed, his brow wrinkled with worry. "I was unaware Minerva was still capable of having children, and I must admit my astonishment at her romantic choices. However, she is in dire need of our help. We do not know what to expect."

Hermione was stunned. She had no idea what to make of any of this. First she finds herself pregnant with Ron's baby, and now her pet cat has impregnated her teacher. It was more than she could deal with. She felt a growing pain in her head.

She was pulled from her swirling thoughts by another gasping wail from Professor McGonagall, and watched as Dumbledore leaned down to examine her.

Throughout the castle, professors and students alike were turning in for the evening, and down in the old torture chamber, Severus Snape hung from his chains limply, losing hope of being discovered any time soon.

Olive sat on the floor of her cage, sadly stroking her husband's arm as he lay slumped and unconscious next to her. She still felt like crying, but all her tears had been spent as she worried over Roger's condition. He was still breathing, but he had not opened his eyes for some time. She felt helpless, stuck in this damn cage with her ailing husband, her one rescuer now chained to the wall, and all because she had made fun of Myrtle's glasses fifty years ago.

"Do you think anyone will find us?"Olive asked sadly, looking over at Snape.

"I imagine everyone has gone to bed for the evening. We may have to wait until tomorrow, when I am noticeably absent from my potions classes,"Snape replied with a sigh of irritation.

"Maybe one of those boys will come back and help us,"Olive said hopefully. Snape frowned.

"What boys?"

"Two young men discovered me down here, but Myrtle..ahem..threatened them and scared them away,"Olive said nervously. Professor Snape made her a bit uncomfortable.

"What were their names?"Snape asked, his irritation growing.

"Well, one was Harry Potter. I'd know that name anywhere. The other boy Myrtle called 'Draco,'"Olive replied.

"Potter! I should have guessed he was involved with this somehow. Are you sure the other boy was called Draco?"

"Oh yes, I remembered thinking what an odd name that was,"Olive said.

"What did he look like?"Snape demanded.

"He was a pale, pointy-faced boy with very blonde hair,"Olive said, not enjoying Snape's questioning much.

"And what did Myrtle threaten them with? What was going on?"Snape insisted, growing angrier with every minute.

"Oh, er, I'm sure I don't know,"Olive said nervously, looking more and more uncomfortable.

"You're lying. Tell me what happened!"Snape growled, frightening poor Olive even more. Snape studied her startled face, looking for clues into the situation. She was obviously lying, and was definitely quite uncomfortable with the conversation. Why would she lie?

"Really, Mr. Snape, I don't want to talk about that nonsense any more! I'm sorry I brought it up at all!"Olive said hysterically, her voice getting high and screechy. Snape lost his composure.

"Tell me this instant, you insufferable old woman!"he shouted, pulling against his chains. Frightened, Olive shoved herself against the bars of her cage, pulling Roger closer as if to shield herself from Snape's verbal assault. "You have no right to keep information regarding the students of this school from one of it's professors! Answer me now, you horrible crone!"

"Go to the devil, you nasty, spiteful man!"Olive suddenly shrieked, pointing a gnarled finger at Snape. "How dare you try to intimidate an old woman locked in a cage with her dying husband? What kind of a monster are you?"

"I'll be your worst nightmare unless you tell me what I want to know!"bellowed Snape, his face contorted in rage. Olive hugged Roger tighter and turned her head towards the dark stone wall.

In the hospital wing, the situation had grown more desperate. Professor Persephone and Professor Sprout knelt by Professor McGonagall's bed, clutching her hands as she wailed and cried. Crookshanks the cat yowled almost as loudly as Mcgonagall, pacing the floor and clawing at the bed sheets.

"Somebody remove that cat from this hospital wing at once,"Madame Pomfrey hissed as she tried to hold McGonagall's legs apart. Harry grabbed the bundle of agitated fur and carried him out into the hallway, where he dropped him unceremoniously on the stone floor and hurried to close himself back in the hospital wing.

Harry then went over to Hermione's bed, where Hermione had begun to cry. She didn't know what else to do. She was so overwhelmed all she could was cry. Harry put his arm around her as he sat next to her on the bed.

"I can see something,"Madame Pomfrey said, staring down between McGonagall's legs. Dumbledore came over and looked over Madame Pomfrey's shoulder.

"Something is coming,"Dumbledore said. "You may need to assist it."

As Madame Pomfrey reached under McGonagall's skirts, Hermione gave a moan. Harry turned to her and saw two more bulges were pushing out her head. Hermione's eyes were clamped shut in pain.

"Er, Madame Pomfrey?"Harry said nervously.

"Not now, boy, can't you see I'm busy?"Madame Pomfrey snapped, concentrating on the strange birth about to take place.

"My head is bulging!"Hermione suddenly shouted. Madame Pomfrey shot up and looked over at Hermione. Two large bulges were pushing out from the side of Hermione's head.

"Oh my heavens!"Madame Pomfrey shrieked, hurrying over to Hermione. "Lay down at once! Harry, you'll need to push the bed into my office while I find another relaxation potion for her!" Madame Pomfrey hurried over to her cupboards, searching among the bottles, as McGonagall gave another piercing scream. Dumbledore hurried to the foot of the bed, kneeling down and taking Madame Pomfrey's position.

"Push, Minerva, push with everything you've got,"Dumbledore said calmly. Madame Pomfrey managed to find the bottle she was looking for and hurried it in to Hermione, whom Harry had managed to get into the office.

"Here, drink this,"Madame Pomfrey said, pushing the bottle into Hermione's hands after she had closed them in the silence of the office. Hermione began to drink the potion, her eyes still shut in agony, while her fingernails began to cut into Harry's arm.

Outside the office, Dumbledore continued to encourage McGonagall.

"You're doing well, Minerva, just keep pushing,"Dumbledore said as the first something managed to free itself from between McGonagall's legs. Dumbledore looked down at the mewling creature in his hands. It was covered in black fur, but was vaguely human also, and very small. He could see another one was emerging quickly, but he wasn't quite sure what to do with the one he currently held.

"Professor Sprout, I need you over here,"Dumbledore said sternly. He handed the creature to Professor Sprout. "Wash it in the basin and wrap it in a blanket." Dumbledore pulled out his wand and conjured several bassinets in a row on the next bed. "Then place it in a bassinet and be ready for the next one."

Professor Sprout did as she was told, though she was frightened of the creature she held in her arms. She washed it in the basin, rinsing off the thick fur, as the creature stared up at her with strangely human eyes and mewled softly. It had more of a human body than a cat's, except for the fur and the pointed ears. She pulled it from the basin, wrapped in a blanket, and set it into the first bassinet just as Dumbledore was ready to hand her the next one.

In the small cage hanging from the stone roof of the torture chamber, Roger suddenly awoke.

"Sorry dear, but you know how grumpy I get when I don't get my nap,"Roger said wearily, looking around at the various assortment of instruments just outside their cage.

"Roger! You're alive!"Olive said happily, hugging her husband tightly.

"Well of course I am,"Roger said, still half-asleep. "What're we doing about this cage?"

"I don't know! Everyone in the castle is probably asleep, and all that horrible man over there's been doing is yelling at me like a monster!"Olive cried. Snape ignored them both.

"Well then, dear, I think it's time I told you a secret I've been keeping for some time,"Roger said. Olive looked up at him in confusion.

"What are you talking about, dear? Are you having one of your episodes?"

"No, no. Its just that I need to tell you I'm an animagus,"Roger revealed. Olive was stunned.

"Since when?"she demanded.

"Oh, for about five years now. I registered with the Ministry of Magic and everything. I thought it would be a clever way to sneak out to the pub every now and then,"Roger admitted. Olive was livid.

"You crazy old man! How dare you keep something like that from me! And just to go drinking! You know you have health problems!"Olive shrieked.

"Oh, would you just shut up!"Snape bellowed. "He's telling you he can find us help, you stupid old woman!"

"Not really how I would have put it, but yes, that is the point I was getting at,"Roger said, a bit startled by Snape's sudden outburst. Olive looked a bit chastened.

"Go on, then. Get us out of here,"she said quietly. And with that, Roger transformed before their eyes into a small brown gerbil. He jumped out of the cage and onto the floor of the chamber.

"You need to follow this corridor to the stairs up to the entrance hall and from there you'll be able to go up to Dumbledore's office. He'll still be awake, at least,"Snape said to the gerbil, annoyed at the silly transformation that had just occurred and the fact he was giving directions to a gerbil. He told Roger how to get up to the office and the password to make the statue move (chocolate frog). Then the little gerbil scurried out of the chamber and into the dark corridor.

Minerva McGonagall had fainted from her exertion, and slept deeply on her hospital bed. She had given birth to a total of five creatures, also all sleeping in their bassinets. There was one black one, one gray striped, two ginger, and a black one with white feet and a white spot on it's nose.

Hermione was also asleep, her head encased in pillows, and no more bulges had arisen. Dumbledore had sent Harry and Professor Persephone off to bed, and he now stood over the bassinets with Professor Sprout.

"What do you think, professor?'Professor Sprout said quietly.

"I think I'd like Minerva to name one after me,"Dumbledore said with a smile as he led Professor Sprout towards the door. "I just don't envy her when they wake up wanting to nurse."

Down on the second floor corridor, Crookshanks was stalking around, agitated and angry. As he hurried down the hall, he spotted something small and furry scurrying up a staircase. Crookshanks ducked low to the ground and raced after his new plaything...

Halloween was drawing near. Hagrid was busy lugging giant pumpkins from his garden into the great hall, where they would be carved for decoration. Hogwarts seemed to be crawling with ghosts these days as Nearly Headless Nick prepared for another death-day party. The leaves were turning from green into a variety of oranges, reds, and golds that fluttered down from the trees, while things were business as usual within the school.

Professor McGonagall was having an difficult time lately, as her kiddens were growing every day. Until recently they had been sleeping in her office while she went about her classes, but they soon became more alert, more curious. There were several occasions now when her class of first years would be startled by a curious kidden, peering out around the corner of the office. Rumors about her were spreading like wildfire around the school, and she was frantic to figure out what to do with them during her classes.

"I tell you, Pomona, I am at my wits end!"Mcgonagall said to Professor Sprout one afternoon as they had tea together in her office. The kiddens watched from their bassinets with interest. "They've been interrupting classes, startling my students, and who knows what everyone's been saying about me around the school? I have to find some way to keep them occupied during the day."

Professor Sprout examined the bassinets, wrinkling her nose.

"They're certainly odd-looking little things, aren't they?"she said, patting one of them on the head.

"Despite what they may look like, they are my children Pomona. Please try to restrain your disgust,"McGonagall said.

"I'm sorry, Minerva. You're right, of course. Maybe you could find a baby-sitter for them or something?"

"I was considering asking Hagrid, but who knows what mischief they'll get up to in his care,"McGonagall said.

"Minerva, you have to do something with them. I think Hagrid's a fine idea. While he may have classes of his own, they're all out doors....."Professor Sprout said. "Have you named them yet?"

"No. I've been trying not to think about it. There's so many things we don't know about them yet, like will they be able to talk? Do they walk upright or on all fours? I still have to talk to Crookshanks, at least, before I even consider what to name them,"Mcgonagall said.

"Oh dear. I'd quite forgotten about him. Have you seen him lately?"

"No, oddly enough. Not since I gave birth. I wonder what he's off doing?"

Roger was quite lost. He scurried through every nook and cranny of the castle he found, but still had no idea where he was. He hadn't been in the castle in fifty years, and with Crookshanks hot on his tail, he feared he may never find his way to Dumbledore's office. As for Snape, no one had missed him yet, since his classes had carried on without him. None of the students cared where he was, and decided not to tell anyone he was missing. If they did, they might find him and bring him back.

Roger was scurrying his way through a wall between corridors somewhere on the fifth floor, hoping he was rid of Crookshanks at last. He wanted very much to turn back into his human form, but thanks to Crookshanks, he'd been forced to wiggle his way through the holes inside the mortar of the walls. He was worried that if he went out into a corridor, Crookshanks would be waiting for him.

Down in the torture chamber, Snape hung from his chains limply. Olive huddled in her cage, worrying over Roger. Snape lifted his head to see Olive and scowl.

"Where is your imbecilic husband? He's been gone for days and no one has found us!"Snape said. His brow furrowed in anger.

"I'm sure Roger's doing the best he can. Weren't your students suppose to notify someone you were missing?"Olive said. Her own mood had grown just as foul as Snape's, and she didn't want to listen to him continue to bark at her about her husband's long absence.

"I'll be sure to instruct them on what to do in the event I ever go missing again. Assuming, of course, that we are ever found and don't end up rotting down here,"Snape said.

"Oh there's a cheery picture, then,"Olive said. "I can already imagine your greasy rotting bones hanging from their chains."

Snape decided it would be wiser to say nothing. Olive was obviously beyond being intimidated by him. There was nothing he could accomplish either way. His life was dependent on either someone getting lost in the dungeons and finding them by accident, or being rescued by an 80-year-old gerbil. Unless....

"You must tell me what Potter and Malfoy were doing down in the dungeons,"Snape said. Olive rolled her eyes in irritation.

"And why must I?"she asked.

"Because there might be a chance they will come back down here,"Snape said. Olive shook her head.

"No, I doubt they'll be back down here. They've been scared off,"Olive said. "So there's your answer."

"Why do you insist on protecting them?"Snape asked.

"Ah! Who says I'm protecting them from something? That would imply they were doing something wrong, now wouldn't it? I haven't said one way or the other, cos it's none of your business, you bloodless corpse!"Olive replied.

Harry entered the hospital wing, spotted Hermione and moved over to her bedside. Her head was now encased in what looked like a thick layer of hardened cement.

"Hermione! What did Madame Pomfrey do to you?"Harry asked.

"After the commotion with Professor McGonagall and the resulting bulges, Madame Pomfrey decided that this was the safest thing to do,"Hermione said, her voice echoing from inside her cement helmet.

"How can you breath in that?"Harry asked.

"There's some sort of magic spell that makes me able to still breathe, though I guess there's no way to make me able to see anything,"Hermione said. "I'm ok, though. How are things with you?"

"I haven't really wanted to tell you what's been up with me, considering everything you're going through...."

"Oh, Harry, I just saw one of my teachers give birth to several half-cat, half-human creatures in the bed next to me and survived, I'm sure I can handle whatever you have to throw at me,"Hermione said. "Why don't you start with telling me who that drag queen was that was with you?"

"Hmm. Well, that was Professor Persephone. He's now teaching the new health class, and revealed to me that he's Sirius in disguise,"Harry said. He couldn't tell Hermione's reaction, considering he was staring at a big round ball of cement.

"Harry, Sirius is dead,"Hermione said.

"No, it's him! I saw him without his make-up on! He said he was here to warn me about something!"Harry said.

"But Harry, we saw him die...."

"No we didn't! We saw him fall through a curtain!"

"Harry, you can't know for sure that it's really Sirius. And I think it's rather odd that he's posing as a female teacher and giving himself a phony name borrowed from the Greek queen of the underworld,"Hermione said. "I'd be careful if I were you. I think you should tell Dumbledore. What did 'Sirius' say he wanted to warn you about?"

"He didn't get a chance to, but...."

"But what?

"I think it has to do with me and Malfoy,"Harry said.

"What do you mean, Harry?"

"Well, Draco and I are kind of...interested in each other...."

"What? You hate each other! What are you talking about?"

"It's kind of a long story...."

In transfiguration class, Professor McGonagall was just finishing up another lesson.

"Homework tonight!"Mcgonagall announced, "I want you to practice the proper method of transfiguring a desk into tortoise...."Mcgonagall trailed off. The kiddens were unusually quiet. She moved over to her office, while her class watched with interest.

The kiddens were gone. Every one of them. Every bassinet was empty. She searched the office, but they were nowhere to be found. She came back out into the classroom.

She scanned the classroom, bent down to look under desks. There were a few giggles from her students.

"Oh my heavens....."

Roger was getting tired of running from Crookshanks. Up ahead, he saw light from another hole going out into the castle somewhere. Deciding to risk it, he darted out through the hole, transfiguring back into a human at the same time.

He was in a bathroom. He breathed a sigh of relief. At last he was human again and could finally go find help.

"Where do you think you're going?"a voice said out of nowhere. Roger turned, and saw Moaning Myrtle floating up above her toilet.

"I'm going for help! And you're not going to stop me! Especially since we all remember that no one can apparate inside the castle and no one's here to stop me!"Roger said.

"Oh yeah....."

Before Moaning Myrtle realized what was happening, Roger bolted out the door of the bathroom and dashed down the hall. As he hurried around a corner he almost ran into a herd of students running away from something and screaming hysterically.

"Hold on here, what's going on?"Roger yelled, but nobody heard him in their panic. He looked up and saw several small furry things running down the hallway after them. "What the blazes are those??"

Back up in the hospital wing, Harry was revealing to Hermione he and Draco's love for one another.

"Harry, that sounds rather odd to me as well. Why would Draco suddenly be in love with you, after he's hated you all this time?"Hermione asked.

"Well, I imagine his anger was rooted in his confusion over his feelings for me..."Harry said.

"It's even more suspicious that 'Sirius' was telling you to be careful,"Hermione said. "Although, if 'Sirius' isn't who he said he was, maybe he's leading you the wrong way....I don't know, Harry, it seems like everyone lately has lost their mind, me included."

"As long as you don't lose your head,"Harry said.

Dumbledore was sitting at his desk, going over some of his correspondence and enjoying a mug of hot cocoa when his door suddenly burst open, and Roger stumbled in.

"You must come quickly!"Roger said.

"Whatever is the matter, sir?"Dumbledore asked.

"My wife and your potions master are chained up in the dungeons, and there are furry little creatures running around your school!"Roger said.

"Furry little creatures, eh? Do they look like a cross between cats and humans?"

"Yes! And they're frightening the students terribly!"

"Ah yes, that would be Professor McGonagall's unruly children,"Dumbledore said.

"And my wife and that horrible man are down in the dungeons.....!"

"Alright. I'll wait until a more appropriate time to ask what's going on, and join you on a trip down to the dungeons,"Dumbledore said, and he followed Roger out of the office.

In the hospital wing, Harry had left some time ago, and Madame Pomfrey decided she'd go out and check on her patient. She stepped out of her office and discovered all the beds were empty.

"Miss Granger? Miss Granger, where are you? Come out this instant!"Madame Pomfrey called, but she knew the hospital wing was empty, and somewhere Hermione was wandering around with a head covered in cement.

Hagrid dragged another giant pumpkin into the entrance hall when he saw several students running down the marble staircase. Some hurried into the Great Hall, while others flew out the front doors, zooming past Hagrid as if their robes were on fire.

"What's goin' on?"he bellowed out at a group of students, but they ignored him as two rambunctious kiddens bounded down the marble staircase, mewling loudly and darting after fleeing students. Bewildered, Hagrid set his pumpkin aside to investigate what kind of interesting creature was running around the castle now.

"Hagrid! Just the man I wanted to see,"Dumbledore said as he appeared at the top of the stairs with Roger. "I do need to talk to you quite urgently."

"What's goin' on, Professor Dumbledore, sir?"Hagrid said.

"Professor McGonagall's children are running amok in the castle, if you would be so kind as to gather them up, I'm sure both she and I would be most grateful,"Dumbledore said as he moved down the stairs towards Hagrid.

"Alright, I'll do my best. Where are you off to,then?"

"More troubles down in the dungeons, I'm afraid, Hagrid,"Dumbledore said. "If you'll excuse us...." And with that, Dumbledore followed Roger into the dungeons. The two kiddens Hagrid had seen earlier had since disappeared, and Hagrid was unsure of where to begin. He also wondered how many of the little creatures there were. Oh well, he'd have to ask Dumbledore next time he saw him.

Hagrid soon saw a ginger-colored kidden chasing Neville Longbottom back up towards the first floor, and he moved into action.

Harry was heading back up to the dormitory. He had wanted to talk to Sirius again, but now he wasn't so sure, and he was tired. It had been a long day. He had seen one of the kiddens clawing its way up a suit of armor trying to catch Peeves the poltergeist as Peeves hovered above it yelling, "Here kitty! Nice little nasty kitty!!" on his way from the hospital wing and decided this was on ordeal he didn't want to be involved with.

He hadn't seen Ron all day either, but he figured he'd bump into him in the common room. Draco tried to get his attention earlier at dinner, but Harry had ignored him. He had too many things to sort out in his head. All he felt like doing was falling down into his bed and sleeping for a month.

Just as he was heading up towards the common room, he heard someone calling his name behind him. It was Madame Pomfrey.

"Mr. Potter! Mr. Potter, wait a moment!"she called after him. Harry could only imagine what she wanted. Probably she wanted to yell at him for upsetting Hermione again.

"Yes, Madame Pomfrey?"Harry asked, stopping on the stairs and turning to face her.

"Have you seen Ms. Granger?"

"Yes, just a little while ago, when I visited her in the hospital wing,"Harry said, a little confused.

"Yes I know, but have you seen her since? She's not in her bed...she's missing!"

"Missing? How can she be missing with her head encased in cement?"Harry asked, bewildered.

"That's exactly what I thought! She can't see where she's going! She couldn't be too far away, but she's nowhere to be found, and Minerva's little creatures are rampaging around the school like dervishes, and who knows what happened to Dumbledore!"Madame Pomfrey was starting to get a little overwhelmed.

"Relax, Madame Pomfrey, it will be alright. I'll go see if I can find Hermione, and try to round up some of the kiddens while I'm at it, ok?"Harry said.

And with that, they parted ways, moving off in different directions searching for whoever they could find. Harry had somehow knew that a quiet evening in bed was not in his future.

Snape's head jerked up at the sudden appearance of Albus Dumbledore and a disheveled Roger turning into the doorway of the torture chamber. Olive jumped up in her cage.

"Oh Roger! Oh! I knew you'd come back with help!"Olive said. She smiled at her husband as he and Dumbledore moved over to the cage.

Dumbledore pulled out his wand and released Olive and Snape. Snape massaged his aching wrists with irritation and Olive grasped Roger firmly.

"Perhaps you might explain what has happened here, Severus,"Dumbledore said as he left Roger and Olive to their happy reunion.

"Moaning Myrtle, the ghost who haunts the girl's lavatory, somehow imprisoned Olive here with the assistance of that detestable Mundungus Fletcher. When I heard the woman's shouts for help and went to investigate, I too was imprisoned,"Snape explained.

"Surely your students would have noticed your absence and alerted someone,"Dumbledore suggested.

"We've been imprisoned down here for days. None of my students had the foresight to even look into my disappearance,"Snape said, not a little disgruntled about the situation. "I must also bring to your attention the fact that Draco Malfoy and Harry Potter were both involved with this somehow. I have no doubt that Mr. Malfoy was only trying to prevent Mr. Potter from doing some foolishness, but I couldn't seem to get any answers out of the old woman."

"I'm sure Mrs. Newton had plenty of other things on her mind at the time than misbehaving students, Severus. I'm sure the students were just trying to help, but I shall of course speak to both of them this evening,"Dumbledore said. "In the meantime, perhaps the Newtons would like to come with me."

"Oh yes, thank you so much Professor Dumbledore,"Olive said, and she and Roger followed Dumbledore out of the dungeons and into the mayhem of the castle, still beset with rampaging kiddens. The Newtons were relieved when Dumbledore was able to get them to the relative safety of his office.

Later that day, despite the presence of Hagrid stomping around the school after weird furry creatures, Professor Snape's double potions class in the dungeons was straggling into the classroom, disinterested in being on time as they figured Snape wasn't going to be there anyway.

Ron and Harry sat down at one of the tables and started talking about Hermione's disappearance, while other students practiced charms, gossiped about McGonagall's kiddens, and doodled on their potions books.

"SILENCE!"a voice roared, and the startled students stared up into the sallow face of Severus Snape. All motion stopped. The class was frozen in shock. "I will not hesitate to tell you how dismayed I am that none of you had the consideration to mention to any of your teachers that I was no longer attending my classes. I will be taking 50 points from both Gryffindor and Slytherin and you will all have detention with me every evening for a month."

There were several stunned gasps. Neville Longbottom was on the verge of fainting.

"Furthermore, if for any reason I am not in this classroom at the appropriate time, you are to notify the first available teacher. There will be no excuses for not doing this, and the punishment shall be even more severe to anyone who does not follow my orders,"Snape said, glowering down at his terrified class. "Also, Mr. Potter, Mr. Malfoy, you both are required to meet with headmaster Dumbledore and myself this evening in the headmaster's office. No excuses. Now turn to page 275 in your potions books and begin reading the next chapter. There will be no need to talk."

Professor Mcgonagall hurried down into the entrance hall between her classes looking for Hagrid. She found him near the staff lounge, gripping one kidden while trying to get another down from on top of a suit of armor.

"How are things going, Hagrid?"Mcgonagall asked. She had a strained, nervous look about her.

"Oh, hello professor, I got one of 'em right here, almost got that one on the armor. Three more and I'll have them rounded up. I think I heard screams up by the History of Magic classroom,"Hagrid said. McGonagall sighed.

"This is getting out of hand, Hagrid. And its not as though they're dangerous! Really! Students running around and screaming, it's preposterous,"Mcgonagall said.

"Well, I imagine they've never seen such creatures. People tend to be afraid of things they don't know about,"Hagrid said, reaching a giant hand up towards the kidden on the armor.

"Do you think that you could take them out to your hut when you've retrieved them? I would be grateful,"McGonagall said.

"Sure thing, professor, don't you worry about nothin'."

Up in Dumbledore's office, Olive and Roger were just starting to feel normal again. They sipped tea with lemon from the plush chairs in front of Dumbledore's desk, while Mundungus Fletcher squirmed in a wooden chair Dumbledore had conjured for him in the corner.

"Mundungus, I hope we have an understanding,"Dumbledore said, looking over his half-moon spectacles. "If you are found causing any more trouble in my school you will be answering to the Ministry."

"Yes, Professor Dumbledore, I understand, it was all that dead girl's idea,"Mundungus said.

"I will be reminding Myrtle of the Ministry's actions against her regarding Mrs. Newton in the past, and how she will be held responsible for any further harassment of this woman or her family. As for you, I would suggest you leave and stay far from this castle, Mr. Fletcher,"Dumbledore said.

"Absolutely, Mr. Dumbledore,"Mundungus said. "I'll just see my way out..."

Mundungus hurried out the door, leaving the Newtons alone with Dumbledore.

"Now if there is anything else I can do for you dear people...."Dumbledore started, but he was interrupted by Madame Pomfrey pushing through the door.

"Headmaster! I apologize for interrupting! But Ms. Granger has disappeared from my care, and no one has seen her,"Madame Pomfrey said. Dumbledore''s eyebrows raised in surprise.

"Do you mean to tell me that a pregnant student with a brain tumor and a head encased in cement has gone missing from your hospital wing?"Dumbledore said.

"Yes sir. I tracked down Mr. Potter to ask if he had seen her or knew anything, but he was as surprised as I was. The hospital wing was searched, and Mr. Potter and I searched various areas of the castle. She's nowhere to be found,"Madame Promfrey said.

"Madame Pomfrey, I will need you to alert the entire staff about the disappearance of the girl. The Newtons will need to return home at once, then no one is to leave or approach the castle grounds. I want Hogsmeade alerted to Ms. Granger's disappearance and I shall be sending an owl out to alert her parents,"Dumbledore said. Madame Pomfrey nodded, then hurried out of the office to alert the staff.

"We thank you for your help, Professor Dumbledore, but we can see you're a tad busy at the moment,"Olive said.

"Thank you for understanding, I have alerted the Ministry of Magic about your situation, and you shall be able to return to your residence with floo powder from my office,"Dumbledore said, and he sent the Newtons on their way with a sigh of relief that at least one problem was resolved. He returned to his desk to compose a letter to Hermione's parents, hoping they were still staying at the Hog's Head with the Weasleys.

As he began composing his letter, he was interrupted once again, this time by Severus Snape, leading Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy into the office. Dumbledore had forgotten this bit of business.

"Severus, is it imperative that these students be interrogated at this very moment? It's just that I have rampaging 'kiddens' startling the student body and I've just been alerted that Ms. Hermione Granger has disappeared from the hospital wing despite the fact her entire head is encased in cement,"Dumbledore said.

"I beg your pardon, headmaster, but I think it important to find out what these two were up to in the dungeons regarding the imprisonment of Ms. Newton and myself. Also, Mr. Potter may have information leading to Ms. Granger's whereabouts,"Snape said.

" Mr. Potter has already been alerted to Ms. Granger's recent disappearance, having in fact joined in the search of the school with Madame Pomfrey. I'm sure he has no further information regarding the missing girl. But if you insist,"Dumbledore said. He turned to Mr. Potter. "What were you and Mr. Malfoy doing in the dungeons?"

"I...I was bringing the woman in the cage some food, and Draco happened to wander into the room while I was doing so,"Harry said. He looked over at Draco. He was staring at the floor.

"You knew Ms. Newton and her husband were imprisoned in the dungeons?"Dumbledore said.

"Yes sir. I would have told you, but Moaning Myrtle was blackmailing me, and I knew that she would say something about me if I mentioned that she was holding people captive in the torture chamber,"Harry said. Dumbledore frowned.

"And just what was Myrtle holding over you?"Snape demanded.

"Severus, blackmail is illegal, and it's victims are entitled to help without having their secrets exposed to the world,"Dumbledore said. "Now, Mr. Potter, were you breaking any school rules or causing harm to anyone?"

"No sir. It was simply a matter that would embarrass me should it become public knowledge,"Harry said.

"And Mr. Malfoy, what do you have do with any of this?"Dumbledore asked.

"I was trying to see what Potter was up to, sir,"Malfoy said.

"And why didn't you come forward about the captives in the dungeon?"

"I was also being blackmailed, but I didn't break any school rules or cause harm to anyone,"Malfoy said.

"Very well, Severus. The boys have explained themselves, and I see no reason to continue to question them,"Dumbledore said.

"But Headmaster, you must see that they are lying!"Snape hissed. "I believe they should be interrogated until the full truth is out, and then we can decide if they have broken any rules."

"Our students are entitled to their privacy, Severus, if it has nothing to do with the school."

"We don't know that they're telling the truth,"Snape argued.

"Mr. Potter has always told the truth when speaking with me, despite his tendency to get himself into trouble. Mr. Malfoy has a far worse track record, but he confirms what Harry has already told us. I think we're done here, Severus,"Dumbledore said. Snape scowled and stalked out of the office.

"Mr. Malfoy, you may return to your common room,"Dumbledore said. Draco left. "Now, Mr. Potter, that we are alone, were you entirely truthful earlier?"

"Yes sir. Neither me or Draco broke any school rules, Myrtle was simply threatening to say something very embarrassing about us, and putting us in a very hard situation,"Harry said.

"Alright, Mr. Potter. Is there anything else you need to discuss with me at the moment?" Harry thought about that. He knew he should follow Hermione's advice and tell Dumbledore about Professor Persephone/'Sirius', but he wasn't sure he wanted to at the moment. He didn't know what to do.

"No sir. Nothing,"Harry said. Dumbledore's eyes twinkled behind his spectacles as he looked at Harry, but he didn't pursue the matter.

"Very well, Mr. Potter, you may return to your common room,"Dumbledore said, and as Harry left Dumbledore was enveloped in a moment of blissful silence in which to write to Hermione's parents about the terrible news regarding their daughter.

Despite Dumbledore's request for him to return to the common room, Harry knew he needed to go talk to 'Sirius.' He hurried along the corridor, passing by Hagrid heading back down to the entrance hall with the last kidden clawing into his moleskin coat. Harry turned into the Health classroom and knocked on the door of the office.

"It's me...Harry,"Harry said as he heard the frantic noises from inside the office. Sirius opened the door with a scarf wrapped around his head.

"Are you alone?"he asked, looking around. Harry nodded, and Sirius hurried him into the cramped office.

"I wanted to ask you some questions,"Harry said.

"You must listen to me Harry,"Sirius insisted. "You need to stay away from Draco Malfoy, he's just using you and up to no good. You are in great danger."

"Great danger from what?"Harry asked.

"I can't discuss it now...."

"Why not? When can you discuss it? If you ask me, this is all getting a bit strange and I want to know what's going on!"Harry said.

"Harry, I am your friend and your godfather. You have to trust me during this difficult time. The Dark Lord may already suspect that I'm alive..."

"The Dark Lord? You never referred to Voldemort as 'the Dark Lord' before,"Harry said. He stared into Sirius's nervous eyes.

"Harry, this is ridiculous. You're mistrusting your own godfather, and falling in love with your worst enemy. You're the one who's not making any sense right now, Harry,"Sirius said. Harry felt a pang of guilt at the mention of his new relationship with Draco, and felt like a child under Sirius's reprimand.

"I'm sorry, I just...."

"It's alright, you just need to be more vigilant. Do you have a Hogsmeade trip coming up?"

"Yes, just after Halloween,"Harry said.

"Alright, then. I want you to meet me in the Hog's Head on your next trip and I will tell you everything that's going on,"Sirius said. "Do you understand?"

"Yes."

That night, as the school slept, a dark shape in the night was breaking into Professor Persephone's office. The intruder slipped in, and began searching the various drawers and cupboards, taking out items and setting them on the desk. They were potion ingredients, including lace-wing flies and boomslang skin. The intruder gathered the ingredients into a sack and left the office as quietly as they had entered. The shadow hurried down the corridor, having been seen by no one....

"Draco?"a voice in the night whispered. "Draco Malfoy!"

Draco Malfoy awoke and looked around the dark Slytherin dormitory.

"Hermione? What....How did you get in here? Where have you been? Everyone's been looking everywhere for you...."Draco said. Hermione Granger stood beside his bed looking down at him with a crazed yet serene expression on her face. He noticed her head was not encased in cement.

"Shhhh....Come with me, Draco Malfoy." That was odd. Hermione, although usually not inclined to speak to him at all, didn't usually refer to him by his full name. She smiled a little wider, making her look somewhat deranged.

"Where are we going?"Draco whispered. "What's going on?"

"I shall tell you when we get out of here. You must be quiet,"Hermione said, now motioning for him to follow. Draco got out of bed and followed Hermione out of the dormitory, through the common room, and out into the passage beyond. Soon they were outside, Draco following Hermione across the grounds of Hogwarts towards the Forbidden Forest. Draco was not thrilled by the course they were taking.

"Er, we really shouldn't be out of bed at night, and certainly not in the forest,"Draco said. Hermione hissed at him with impatience and hurried onward. Scared now, Draco followed Hermione into the dark forest.

The next morning, as everyone was enjoying their breakfast, Dumbledore stood up and began to speak.

"Your attention, please,"he said. "It is my sad duty to announce that another student has gone missing. Draco Malfoy of Slytherin House is unaccounted for. If anyone has any information regarding his whereabouts, please notify myself or any member of the staff. I would like to remind everyone not to leave their dormitories at night for any reason."

Harry felt a jolt in his heart at Dumbledore's announcement. Draco was missing? What could have happened to him? Was he alright? What if something horrible had happened to him? And why wasn't he as nearly concerned when Hermione went missing?

Sure, Hermione had been one of his best friends for five years now and until recently Draco had been his arch-nemesis the last five years. You'd think he'd be more concerned about Hermione. Well. He wasn't. He had to admit. His very soul ached at the idea that Draco might be in trouble. Hermione had probably walked out a window with that giant ball of cement for a head pulling her to the ground like a bullet out of a gun.

"Gee, Harry, what do you think could have happened to Draco?"Ron said while chewing an enormous mouthful of food. "I hope he's alright."

Now you'd think Ron, at least, would care more about Hermione's disappearance than Harry, considering she was his sister, and pregnant with what was sort of his child although Draco was the one who had impregnated her, and her head could explode at any time.

"Why on earth would you hope he was alright?"Harry asked, with more than a little irritation. "He impregnated your sister with your child, he's been our sworn enemy for five years, and both he and his father delight in mocking your family's destitution on a regular basis. If you want to worry about someone, worry about Hermione, you prat!"

"What's your problem this morning?"Ron said.

"What's my problem? My problem is you sitting there pretending you actually give a crap what happened to Draco, when you could never feel the way I do, pining for him day in and day out, and now wondering what could have happened to him, hoping that I didn't miss my chance to tell him how I feel about him..."Harry whispered, poking at his kippers. Ron's mouth dropped open.

"What??"

"You heard me,"Harry muttered.Ron sat next to Harry in complete shock, not sure of what to say.

"I don't know how I feel about that,"Ron said.

"I don't know why you should have such a hard time swallowing this bit of news after all you've had to hear about recently. I imagine you've had so many shocks you're experiencing post-traumatic stress,"Harry said. Ron stood up.

"I need to get to class,"Ron said, gathering his books.

"Whatever."

Ron avoided Harry for the rest of the day, sitting on the opposite side of the classroom during their classes together. Harry could care less. He was anxious to talk to Professor Persephone, who was currently droning on and on about glands. Harry looked over to where Ron was sitting by the window. Ron was looking at him like he was a registered sex-offender or something. Harry rolled his eyes and put his head on his desk until the class ended.

"Professor, I need to talk to you,"Harry said moving towards Sirius through the crowd trying to leave. "It's important."

"Come into my office, Harry,"Sirius said.

"Do you know anything about what happened to Draco?"Harry said.

"Harry, I thought I told you to stay away from Draco,"Sirius said, reapplying his mascara in front of the lighted mirror on his desk.

"I don't care!"Harry snapped. "I know now I've never felt like this for anyone before, and I can't bear the thought that he might be in trouble. You need to tell me everything you know, right now!

"Alright, Harry, you deserve to know what I know, at least,"Sirius said, turning from the mirror. "After I regained my wits after the battle at the Ministry, I was able to do some spying around for the Order. It was easier for me because everyone thought I was dead. I discovered a plot by Voldemort to send a vampire out to Hogwarts."

"A vampire? Sent here to feed on me?"Harry asked, stunned.

"Voldemort must have known this wouldn't be a successful attempt on your life, but it would be demoralizing to the Order. I followed the vampire here, and lost any trace of him after we made it onto the grounds. I expect he disappeared into the forest."

"What does this have to do with Draco and Hermione?"

"Maybe nothing, maybe everything. Hermione would have been an easy victim, with her head encased in cement she wouldn't have seen a vampire coming and wouldn't be able to resist much. I don't know why the vampire would target Draco, maybe he just happened to be out of bed in the middle of the night, in an area the vampire knew he could get to him without being seen." Sirius stopped when he saw the expression on Harry's face.

"So you're saying Draco could have made a midnight snack for a vampire?"Harry said, tears filling his eyes.

"Harry, I'm sorry. We don't know if the vampire has even come out of the forest yet. Maybe something else happened to Hermione and Draco,"Sirius said.

"Have you told Dumbledore you're alive?"Harry asked.

"No. Not yet. You and Hagrid are the only ones who know right now, and I want it to stay that way until I've managed to stop the vampire. Voldemort doesn't know anyone knows about the vampire yet, and doesn't know I'm alive. Those are two great advantages on my side."

Harry didn't see how, but he was too miserable to question Sirius's odd behavior. The image of a vampire sinking it's fangs into Draco's throat wouldn't leave his mind.

That night, Neville Longbottom was awakened by a strange hissing. He sat up in bed and looked around in fear, his heart beating against his chest like there was an anxious little man inside knocking to be let out.

"Who's there?"he whispered.

"Neville Longbottom?"a voice whispered in the darkness. A figure moved out of the shadows and stood over his bed.

"H-Hermione? What...."

"Come with me now, Neville Longbottom, like a good little boy,"Hermione said sweetly, extending a pale hand out towards him. Despite his fear, he managed to take in Hermione's appearance. She had no cement on her head, she was deathly pale and her hair was wild and tangled. Her stomach bulged outward with the first indications of her pregnancy. And she was smiling like a loon. "Come now, Neville Longbottom."

"Er, alright,"Neville managed to whisper. He didn't want to go anywhere with her. She was frightening. However, he threw back the covers and sat up to put his slippers on. "Where are we going?"

"It's a surprise,"Hermione said, "You don't want to ruin the surprise, do you?"

"I don't like surprises,"Neville said as he stood to follow her.

"Well, most likely you won't like this one, either,"Hermione said, smiling like a chimp. "Come now, Neville Longbottom."

Neville followed Hermione through the dark and silent castle. She moved quietly, making almost no noise, and moving at a great speed. She led him out onto the grounds, then stopped abruptly, almost causing Neville to bump into her.

"What's wrong?"Neville asked. Then he saw what Hermione was staring at. Hagrid was outside his hut, looking around at the dark ground. In his arms he was struggling with two of McGonagall's kiddens.

"Here, kiddy, kiddy, kiddy,"Hagrid called out, moving around the hut. Neville was tempted to call out to him for help, but it occurred to him all that would appear to be happening was that he and Hermione were sneaking out of the school together in the middle of the night. And as far as he knew, that was what was happening. There was just something wrong about Hermione. She was scaring him.

They stood by the great oak doors of the school, hidden in the shadow, and watched while Hagrid discovered the missing kidden hiding in his pumpkin patch. Hermione sighed with impatience as she watched Hagrid stumbling over giant pumpkins and grabbing at the ground like a crazy man. He tripped over a vine and fell to the ground with a thud, a furry black kidden scurrying out of his reach. Fang saw the kidden dart underneath the hut and started barking, the barks echoing into the night loud enough to wake up the residents of Hogsmeade. Hermione stamped her foot with irritation.

"We must move elsewhere,"she hissed, "Someone will come out to see what the commotion is."

They hurried in the shadows through a courtyard of the castle and hid behind a pillar. Sure enough, Argus Filch soon came scuttling out the front doors holding a lantern and followed by his cat Mrs. Norris. Mrs. Norris sniffed the air and looked over in the direction of Neville and Hermione, but hurried after Filch as he continued on towards Hagrid's hut. The kidden hiding underneath the hut immediately darted out towards Filch, with Fang jumping down to chase it. Both animals slammed into Filch, knocking him to the ground as Hagrid was running towards them. Hermione cursed under her breath.

"I guess we're not going to make it to the forest any time soon,"she said turning to Neville.

"We're going to the forest.....?"Neville started, but he soon felt a sharp pain in his throat and everything went black.

It was another somber breakfast the next morning. Dumbledore rose and raised a hand for silence so he could make his announcement.

"Students and staff, it is my grave duty to announce yet again we are missing a student. Some time last night, Neville Longbottom of Gryffindor disappeared. This is the third student to go missing this week, and you should all be taking precautions to prevent any more disappearances. If anyone at all has any information regarding these disappearances, I once again strongly urge you to come forward,"Dumbledore said. Harry looked down at his plate, burning with guilt. He should tell Dumbledore about Sirius and what he said. He looked back up at the staff table and saw Sirius, as Professor Persephone, staring directly at him. There was no humor in the look. It was stern and intense. Harry could guess what it meant.

"Also, everyone be aware that last night two more of Professor McGonagall's, er, children, escaped from Hagrid's hut and are no doubt running wild on the grounds. If you happen to see one, do not try to approach it, but let a member of the staff know where you saw it."

Dumbledore continued to ramble on about safety measures and precautions, but Harry didn't listen. He felt sick. He didn't notice Ron coming over and sitting down.

"Were you having an illicit affair with Neville, also?"Ron asked, grinning as Harry looked up.

"No,"Harry said. "Either you've decided I'm still your friend or you've lost your mind."

"Yeah, well, I guess it doesn't matter if you fancy Draco,"Ron said, helping himself to some of Harry's toast. "This whole situation is terrible and we've got to figure out what to do like we always do."

"Why do we always have to save the day?"Harry asked.

"Who else would do it?"Ron said cheerfully, and Harry knew he was right.

That night, Katie Bell was awakened by a hissing noise. Startled, she lit the lantern she kept by her bed and looked around the dormitory. The other girls snored softly in their beds. No one seemed to be up. Then she saw a shadow in the corner by the staircase.

"Who's there?"she demanded, getting out of bed and arming herself with the nearest thing she could find, a broomstick. "Show yourself." She waved the broom out in front of her.

The figure moved out of the shadows, deathly pale and staring at her intensely.

"Neville?? How did you get in here?"Katie asked, setting the broom down on the bed.

"Come with me now, Katie Bell,"Neville said, smiling like a loon as he reached out towards her.....

Minerva McGonagall stood before her class, watching closely as the students huddled over their parchment, quietly working on the difficult essay she had assigned. She had needed the quiet. She had perfected the art of looking stern and intimidating while being, in fact, lost in thought altogether.

She had a lot on her mind. She had been impregnated by a cat and given birth to a litter of rambunctious 'kiddens' she couldn't even properly care for because they were so unruly. They were being looked after by Hagrid at the moment, but they were proving difficult even for him. She also was becoming quite worried about the fate of several missing students, one of which, Hermione Granger, was pregnant and had a potentially fatal brain tumor that could cause her head to explode at any moment. Not to mention, she really didn't trust that new Health teacher, that cross-dressing Professor Persephone.

As she shook her to clear her thoughts several students looked up at the windows. McGonagall turned and saw a large barn owl flying towards the window clutching an envelope in it's talons. She opened the window, wondering what miserably inconsiderate fool had dared send mail to her during one of her classes. The owl swooped in through the window, dropping the envelope into McGonagall's outstretched hand, then perching itself upon the lectern. Wondering why on earth the creature hadn't just flown back out the window, McGonagall frowned at the owl.

"Well? What else do you want? Go away!"McGonagall said. The owl ignored her.

McGonagall opened the envelope, removed the parchment within, and began to read. The class could tell she wasn't pleased by what she was reading as her jaw dropped open slowly as she read.

"A summons?"McGonagall said, turning towards the owl. "What on earth can he hope to accomplish with this?" The owl looked at McGonagall and gave her a soft hoot. She read further down. "No, I will not respond to this! This is ridiculous. Go away! Shoo!" McGonagall flapped her arms at the owl, who, after shuffling on his perch a bit, took the hint and flew off out the window.

In the Gryffindor common room, Harry and Ron sat in a corner discussing what exactly Harry was planning to do about Draco Malfoy's disappearance. Oh, and Hermione's.

"I had an idea of how to figure out where the missing students are going,"Harry said to Ron. "I'm going to stay up every night watching the Marauders Map to see if any student leaves their dormitory in the middle of the night."

"Harry, that's brilliant! But wait, if you're going to be staying up every night, how are you going to stay awake for classes and schoolwork?"Ron wondered.

"Ron, that's not really important right now. Draco is missing!"Harry exclaimed.

"And Hermione. And Neville, and Katie Bell...."Ron muttered.

"Yes, yes, of course, obviously if I find out where Draco is, I'll find out where the others are. You don't understand, Ron, you've never been in love!"Harry said.

"Well, I thought I was in love with Hermione until I discovered she was my sister,"Ron said sadly. "I still don't understand why you're attracted to guys now, Harry, and why out of all of them, you'd fall for your worst enemy."

"You wouldn't understand,"Harry said.

"You know, I always thought Seamus was pretty attractive, I mean, you know, for a guy. And he's in Gryffindor, so that'd be better,"Ron said.

"I'm not going to start up a gay love affair with Seamus just because he's a Gryffindor, you idiot,"Harry said. "I'm going to find out what happened to my beloved Draco or die trying."

"You know, Harry, I don't think that would be very responsible of you, I mean, considering you're suppose to go up against Lord Voldemort. It'd kinda be like letting down the whole wizarding community to die trying to rescue your missing gay lover before you got a chance to get to Voldemort,"Ron said.

"Ron, when did you all of the sudden turn into the practical one?"Harry asked.

"Well, you know, someone has to do it since Hermione's missing. Otherwise, who knows what crazy hijinks we'd get up to."

"You do have a point, Ron,"Harry said, examining the Marauders Map he had opened on the table in front of him. On the map, Harry watched as the last straggling students slowly made their way back to their respective dormitories, and outside the sun dipped below the horizon.

Up in Dumbledore's office, Professor McGonagall swept in through the door rather dramatically, and stood before Dumbledore's desk.

"Professor McGonagall, to what do I owe the honor of your presence this fine evening?"Dumbledore said pleasantly. He seemed in a pretty good mood considering students were disappearing left and right on a nightly basis. He gave Mcgonagall a concerned smile and popped a lemon drop in his mouth.

"I received a summons today. Crookshanks is suing me for custody of our 'children'," Mcgonagall said. Dumbledore pondered this for a moment. Or at least, that's what Mcgonagall assumed. For all she knew he had simply decided to take a few moments to wonder what socks to wear the next day. Finally he spoke.

"Crookshanks is a cat."

"Yes, Albus, I'm aware of that,"McGonagall said impatiently.

"How could he expect to care for several half-cat, half-human creatures that even a half-breed giant can't control properly?"

"Yes, that is exactly what perplexed me about the whole situation. I can't imagine what he hopes to accomplish. He's just doing this to upset me since I broke off our relationship so abruptly, but really, Albus, I am too old and too human to be having an romantic relationship with a cat,"McGonagall said. Dumbledore nodded.

"Well that's quite true. I can't have my professors sleeping with animals, that simply wouldn't do,"Dumbledore said. McGonagall stood there, waiting to see if there would be anything further.

"Well?"she said finally.

"It seems to me that you and Crookshanks should just get together and discuss this like two rational.....um....hmmmm...yes, this is a tricky situation,"Dumbledore muttered.

"What am I to do?"

"I'll just have to accompany to you to the Ministry. Am I correct in assuming that this matter is being brought to the attention of the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures?"

"Yes, Albus, they want me to come in tomorrow morning,"McGonagall said.

"Alright, then tomorrow morning we shall go to the Ministry and try to get this resolved, this really has gotten quite out of control....."Dumbledore trailed off, gazing out the window absently.

"Albus, are you alright?"McGonagall asked.

"Oh! Yes, quite. I'll see you in the morning."

The night grew later, and in his cramped corner of the Gryffindor common room, Harry Potter squinted at the Marauders Map, desperate to stay awake. There was almost no one awake and moving at this time, with the exception of Filch, Dumbledore, and a few unnamed kiddens roaming the grounds. Dumbledore seemed to be walking around in a circle in his office over and over. Harry thought this was a little strange, and found his eyes moving back to the dot labeled 'Albus Dumbledore' to see if he had stopped yet. He continued to move in his little circle.

Then, around 1:00am, just as Harry's eyes were starting to grow heavy and close, another dot caught his eye. He jolted awake, scrutinizing the map. A dot had moved from the grounds into the entrance hall, and it was labeled 'Hermione Granger.' As far as he could tell, Hermione was alone, and simply wandering around just inside the front door of the school.

Springing into action, Harry threw his invisibility cloak around his shoulders and hurried out of the common room into the dark corridors of the castle, clutching the map in his fist. He just hoped he'd get all the way down before Hermione disappeared again. He wondered what she was doing, and if she was alright and not kidnapped, why was she not letting someone know she was ok? It didn't make any sense, but Harry was determined to get to her. He ran down staircase after staircase until he finally stepped down into the gloomy dark of the entrance hall.

Quietly, he tried to see through the darkness, and heard soft footsteps. Soon, he saw Hermione. She was turned away from him, and he was about to call out to her when he saw that she was looking at something down on the floor. Crookshanks the cat had appeared around a corner and was moving towards Hermione.

"Kitty, kitty,"Hermione whispered in a strange tone, waggling her fingers in a beckoning motion. Even Crookshanks seemed to think something wasn't quite right, but he continued to slowly advance towards Hermione. "That's right, here kitty...."

Harry noticed Hermione's head was no longer encased in cement, and her skin seemed to glow faintly in the darkness. As Crookshanks came up to her, Harry gasped as Hermione suddenly lunged towards the bushy cat, grabbing it with a claw-like hand, and shoved it towards her mouth. He watched in horror as Hermione bit into Crookshanks furry neck, sucking the blood out of her beloved pet like she was eating a fluffy orange.

"Expelliarmus!"Harry shouted, drawing his wand and pointing it towards Hermione. Hermione was knocked back and Crookshanks fell to the floor. Scrambling like some slithery creature, Hermione slipped across the floor and dashed out the front doors. Harry ran for Crookshanks, scooping him up off the floor. He then raced after the shadow of Hermione. The moon shone down on the grounds of Hogwarts as Harry ran across the grass, searching for any clue as to where Hermione ran off to. There was nothing but darkness.

Harry held Crookshanks up in front of him to inspect him. Crookshanks eyes had a strange, eerie glow to them, and when Crookshanks opened his mouth to meow, Harry saw that he had much larger teeth, two curving fangs. Crookshanks suddenly lunged for Harry's throat and Harry dropped the un-dead hairball to the grass.

"Petrificus Totalus!" Harry shouted. The spell hit Crookshanks squarely in the tail and he tipped over onto the grass like a stuffed animal. Harry picked up the petrified vampire cat and hurried back to castle.

Dumbledore was making his 300th circle around his office when he was interrupted by Harry's frantic knocking. Dumbledore invited him in as if he hadn't seen him in years.

"Harry! How wonderful to see you again! And you've brought me a dead cat! It's not even my birthday!" Dumbledore beamed like a fool.

"Um, no, sir. I need to talk to you. I think I know what's happened to the missing students," Harry said, a little taken aback by Dumbledore's odd manner.

However, Dumbledore listened as Harry told him his plan to find out where the students were going and about finding Hermione feasting on her own cat.

"So I'm afraid we have a vampire somewhere on the grounds,"Dumbledore said. "At least the students are sort of still alive and well. If we can find them we should be able to help them. As for Crookshanks, this truly is a stroke of luck. Surely he won't be winning custody of his 'children' when he's been turned into a petrified vampire."

Harry had no idea what Dumbledore was talking about, but he sounded hopeful that they'd be able to help the missing students.

"Sir, how do you intend to find the missing students?"Harry asked.

"Dammit, Harry, all the time with the questions! Do you ever shut up?"Dumbledore barked. "Really, let's deal with one problem at a time, I'm not a miracle worker!"

Harry decided this would be a good time to leave. He wasn't sure what was going on with Dumbledore, but he decided he would speak to McGonagall about it the next day.

The next morning Dumbledore and McGonagall arrived at the lobby of the Ministry of Magic, Dumbledore seeming to be in an especially good mood and swinging the petrified Crookshanks around by his tail. He was also loudly greeting every witch and wizard whose name he could remember, and if he couldn't remember their name, he either made one up or called them something rude. McGonagall was somewhat mortified, but imagined this was some strange tactic of Dumbledore's to help further her cause.

"Dawlish, you scruffy-looking pile of Hippogriff droppings, how delightful to see you again!"Dumbledore crowed as they stepped into the elevator. Dawlish's eyes widened and he backed against the wall as Dumbledore stomped in swinging Crookshanks around madly. "This is how we handle malicious felines at Hogwarts! Corrupt my teachers, will you??"

McGonagall smiled nervously at Dawlish and pressed the button for level four. Dumbledore thankfully stopped swinging the cat around once the doors closed, throwing it over his shoulder like a very small sack of potatoes. He grinned at Dawlish and then began humming something to himself.

Mcgonagall was relieved when they finally arrived at the fourth level. Dawlish had been so desperate to get off the elevator he got off on the wrong floor and then waited for the elevator to come back.

"Ah! Dumbledore, Professor McGonagall, how nice to see you!"said a short, plump man coming out from behind a desk. "I'm Mulligan Smythe, and I'll be handling your case. I'm afraid Mr. Crookshanks has yet to arrive.....oh, I see....."

Dumbledore held up the stiff cat for Smythe's inspection.

"What happened?"Smythe asked.

"Crookshanks was regrettably turned into a vampire last night and then petrified. He will have to remain this way until we can turn him back into a normal cat,"Dumbledore explained. "So I'm afraid Crookshanks is in no way capable of caring for so much as a radish, let alone his half-human offspring." At this point, McGonagall's spine tingled as she heard a familiar irritating little "Hem, hem." Looking up, she saw Delores Umbridge's simpering smile as she came around a corner.

"Minerva! Albus! How delightful to see you again,"she said pleasantly, moving over towards Mr. Smythe's desk.

"Delores, you ungodly bitch!"Dumbledore said cheerfully, "It is an honor!" Umbridge sputtered like a teakettle for a few moments as she registered what Dumbledore had just said to her.

"I.....Er....excuse me?"

"Out spreading evil this morning?"Dumbledore said, "You always did have a knack for it."

"What are you doing here, Delores?"McGonagall asked, trying to keep Dumbledore from saying anything else. "I didn't realize you had been transferred to the Department of the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures."

"I haven't,"Umbridge said, adjusting the bow in her hair. "I just saw you two here and thought I'd breeze over and see if I could be of any assistance."

"Delores, if you don't get your crazy little self out of here I will be forced to feed you to the centaurs!"Dumbledore said loudly, attracting the attention of several witches and wizards in the immediate area.

"Please, let's just move on,"Mr. Smythe suggested. "I'm going to postpone our custody hearing until the father has been un-petrified and is no longer a vampire, whenever that may be. In the meantime, custody of the, er, creatures shall go to you, Professor McGonagall."

"Thank you, Mr. Smythe,"McGonagall said, trying to avoid eye contact with Delores Umbridge.

"What's this, then?"Umbridge asked. "Have you had some sort of illicit affair with a cat, Minerva?"

"Go throw yourself out a window, you insufferable old windbag!"Dumbledore suddenly shouted. "How dare you push us around! Don't think that your acts will go unpunished, you putrid excuse for a human being! You almost turned my school into a Nazi concentration camp, but justice prevailed in the end!"

"How dare you speak to me in that manner...."Umbridge began, but Dumbledore had not finished.

"If I ever see you anywhere near us again I will have Hagrid carry you off to the Forbidden Forest, tie you to a tree, and shave your head, you fat ugly toad!" Dumbledore's ranting had attracted even more attention from the others in the office. Several ministry wizards were outright staring open-mouthed as Dumbledore stood up, swinging Crookshanks by his fluffy tail, and gesturing enthusiastically.

"It is a glaring example of how deranged the Ministry has become in recent years that they would employ such a horrifyingly incompetent pile of bubotuber pus! Why don't you do wizarding-kind a favor and present yourself as a human sacrifice to Lord Voldemort so that we no longer have to be subjected to disgusting filth like yourself!"

"Dumbledore, you have no right to speak to a Ministry official in such a manner!"Umbridge shouted.

"Oh yes? Well, then, I suppose I'll just have to beat you to death with a petrified vampire-cat!" Dumbledore shouted, and began swinging Crookshanks at Umbridge, beating her over the shoulder with the petrified ginger fluff ball. Outraged, Umbridge tried to make a run for it, but Dumbledore chased after her, flagellating her without mercy while everyone in the office looked on in stunned horror.

That evening just after sunset Harry stood before the Forbidden Forest, working up the nerve to go in. He had decided he couldn't stand by while his beloved was part of a coven of student vampires. He was determined to go into the forest and bring Draco back. He wasn't clear on what he would do after that, but that could be decided later. Just as he was about to step into the forest, Harry felt a hand come down on his shoulder. He turned quickly to see Severus Snape looking down at him.

"Professor Snape.....I......" Harry sputtered.

"Mr. Potter, what exactly are you intending to do in the Forbidden Forest?"Snape said. "I believe you are aware that students are not allowed in the forest, but you've never been one to follow the rules...."

"I don't care what you do or say!"Harry suddenly shouted at Snape. "Draco and I are in love, and I'm going into that forest to bring him back!"

Snape was preparing to go into a rage for being yelled at, but then realized what Harry had said and had no idea what to do or say. For probably the first time in his life, Severus Snape was at a complete and utter loss.

"I'm sorry Professor, but I will not be stopped! I can't allow Draco to go living as a vampire without knowing how I feel about him! Oh, and I want to save the others, too. You know, that's me, always saving people....." Harry trailed off, having no idea what was going on in Snape's head. Snape didn't seem to know either.

"I.....I...hmmmm.....Ah, how exactly do you know the missing students have been turned into vampires?"Snape asked, without his usual forceful manner or sneer.

"I found Hermione Granger last night feeding on her pet cat Crookshanks,"Harry said. He decided not to mention Professor Persephone had told him there was a vampire as well.

"Yes, yes.....well.....You and Draco......So that's what you were doing in the dungeons together......"Snape looked mortified as he came to this realization. Harry waited while Snape shook his head to clear it. When he looked up he was himself again. "Potter! I'm sure gay relationships between students is somehow against the school rules! 300 points from Gryffindor! And you have detention for the rest of the year! And....And...." Snape suddenly fell backwards as Neville Longbottom shot out from between the trees and sank his fangs into Snape's throat.

Harry wasn't sure what to do. He certainly didn't like Snape and wasn't sure that he really had a problem with a vampire feeding on him. On the other hand, there was that insatiable urge to save people.....Harry grabbed Neville from behind and threw him back towards the trees, but Snape had already been turned. Now he had two vampires moving towards him hungrily, and he had no idea what to do......

Back in Dumbledore's office, McGonagall and Mulligan Smythe sat side by side next to a cot that had been set up for Dumbledore. Mcgonagall had given him a sleeping draught after the scene he had caused at the Ministry.

"Minerva, I've always had great admiration for Dumbledore, which is why I think I should tell you that Umbridge is planning to go to the school governors about this,"Smythe said quietly.

"About what? What do you mean?"McGonagall asked.

"She's going to petition the governors to declare Dumbledore incompetent due to mental illness, and suggest that they appoint her as Headmistress of Hogwarts."

"You must be joking,"McGongall said. "Dumbledore's just been under a lot of stress lately. Not to mention, I'm the deputy headmistress of the school, if anyone would replace him it would be me."

"If you tried, your little indiscretion with Crookshanks would be mysteriously leaked to the Daily Prophet, I'm afraid,"Smythe said. McGonagall stared at him in horror.

"My god, Smythe, whatever will I do about this? Delores Umbridge will ruin this school!"

"Well, I doubt the school governors are just going to take Umbridge's word for it that Dumbledore is crazy. She'll no doubt bring in witnesses from the Ministry, but I imagine the governors are going to want an evaluation of Dumbledore's mental faculties by a professional. That gives you maybe a few days to figure out what's wrong with him and get him sane again before the governors do their evaluation,"Smythe said.

"You're right. I have to figure this out somehow. I'll fetch Madame Pomfrey first thing in the morning. Delores Umbridge will not get control of this school!"