Summary: A Christmas play about Harry getting a book of Christmas stories and he and Ron read them. (Lots of Parodies)
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The first story: "The Flightmare Before Christmas". Ron gets the bright idea to try Christmas this year, and does this with the help of a magical horse that can fly.
Categories: Humor Fics Characters: None
Warnings: None
Challenges: Series: None
Chapters: 12
Completed: Yes
Word count: 18765
Read: 65813
Published: 11/15/04
Updated: 12/01/04
It's A Horrible Life by Jase
Based on the story "It's A Wonderful Life" by Frank Capra and James Stewart. I did not write that story nor create the Harry Potter characters nor create Jar-Jar Binks.
NOTE: Some very very mild slash in this story because I am making fun of it. Please don't kill me.
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HARRY: Woah. How did a story about my PARENTS get in here?!?
RON: I have no idea. But let’s keep reading.
HARRY: Fine, fine …
IT’S A HORRIBLE LIFE
NARRATOR: This story involves a bunch of misunderstandings and a weird little elf. It all starts a few days before Christmas, when Dobby the house elf was cleaning the Gryffindor common room.
DOBBY: Dobby is going to make this room shine for Harry Potter, he is! Dobby loves his job!
*ENTER: HARRY*
HARRY: Hi, Dobby.
DOBBY: Harry Potter! Such an honor it is!
HARRY: *Sigh* Are you going to say that EVERY time we meet?
DOBBY: Yes sir! Dobby has a high respect for his trademark sayings!
HARRY: *Mutters something about incompetent house elves and goes to the dorm room*
DOBBY: Harry Potter sure seems upset! I wonder if I can help him somehow!
*CUT TO: HARRY in the dorm*
HARRY: Man, my life sucks. Today I lost 500,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 house points, flunked three of my classes, battled Voldemort and got twenty-six students killed, and worst of all, Snape spat on me in Potions!
*ENTER: DOBBY, watching HARRY in secret*
DOBBY: Poor Harry Potter!
HARRY: Sometimes I wish … I wish I was never born!
DOBBY: Hey! Dobby can help with that! With a mere snap of Dobby’s fingers!
DOBBY’S FINGERS: *Snaps merely*
HARRY: Huh? Dobby? *POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOF!*
*CUT TO: HARRY outside Hogwarts in the snow*
HARRY: What th- … did Dobby teleport me outside?! I’m gonna kill that friggin’ elf! *Goes inside Hogwarts to report this to DUMBLEDORE*
*CUT TO: DUMBLEDORE’s study*
DUMBLEDORE: Oooh! My stocks in Enron are up! Up! UP! I KNEW it was a good idea to spend all of Hogwarts’ funds on this company!
*ENTER: HARRY*
DUMBLEDORE: Hey?! Who are you? How’d you get in here?
HARRY: Huh????? What do you mean Professor? It’s me! Harry! The important one!
DUMBLEDORE: I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about.
HARRY: Come on Dumbledore! It’s me! Harry Potter! The Boy Who Lived! The Boy Who Defeated You-Know-Who! The Boy Who Has Earned J.K. Rowling Millions Of Dollars!
DUMBLEDORE: WHAT? Voldemort is still here, you idiot! This place gets attacked three times a day! And I am getting sick of this! If only there were some prodigal son who was predicted to come and save us …
HARRY: But-
DUMBLEDORE: Now get out of my office, you weird kid who bears a striking resemblance to James Potter! Except for your eyes. You have Lily’s eyes.
HARRY: *Leaves, dumbfounded. Only then does he realize that he is wearing clothes that are just plain gray -- no Hogwarts robes or anything. And his glasses are gone* What’s going on?!? I’ve gotta find Ron and Hermione! *Goes to the Gryffindor common room*
*CUT TO: RON in the Gryffindor common room*
*ENTER: HARRY*
RON: Hey! Who are you?
HARRY: Ron, it’s me! Harry!
RON: Harry who?
HARRY: Ah, forget it! Where’s Hermione??
RON: Hermione? Hermione who?
HARRY: Hermione GRANGER!
RON: Hey … yeah, I remember her … annoying little know-it-all … she died in our first year, when You-Know-Who did his annual attack, killing every Muggle-born in the school.
HARRY: What?? She’s dead?
RON: Yeah. Doesn’t matter, though. She was such an annoying bookworm! *Eats a carrot*
HARRY: Where did you get that?
RON: What?
HARRY: That carrot.
RON: What carrot?
HARRY: The one you’re eating right now.
RON: I’m not eating a carrot.
HARRY: Yes you are, you’re chewing on it as we speak!
RON: No I’m not.
HARRY: I give up! *Leaves*
RON: *Finishes carrot* How’d you get in here?
*CUT TO: DOBBY wandering the streets of Hogsmeade. Everything is dark and depressing*
DOBBY: Hmmm … Dobby thinks granting that wish for Harry Potter was a bad idea … The Dark Lord is alive, he is. And Dobby will sure be treated unfairly! Why did George Lucas have to stereotype Jar-Jar Binks like that!? WHY!?!?! *Notices a shop sign* Ooo! A sale on socks!
*CUT TO: HARRY, trudging through Hogsmeade. He is not getting his usual stares, and realizes that he does not have a scar anymore*
HARRY: Hey! I know who did all this! Dobby! He must’ve heard me talking about how I wish I had never been bored, and cast a spell! And since he’s so powerful, it literally affected the whole universe! *Pause* Wow! It takes most people the whole story to figure out that kind of stuff! I must be getting smarter! *Runs into a post*
POST: *Has a sign on it*
HARRY: Wha? What’s this say?
SIGN: If you have spotted any Muggle-borns around here, please LET US KNOW!
HARRY: This is horrible! What good could be in this type of world?! *Suddenly has another brain thought* Wait a minute … if I wasn’t born … then Voldemort would have no reason to kill my parents! They might be alive! Well, except mom. Oh well.
*ENTER: DOBBY, carrying about 523,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 socks.
DOBBY: Harry Potter! There you are!
HARRY: Huh? You recognize me?
DOBBY: Yes! Dobby was not affected by Harry Potter’s wish!
HARRY: Awesome!
DOBBY: Yes!
HARRY: Okay! Change it back! But first, take me to Gordic’s Hollow!
DOBBY: Why?
HARRY: Mainly to stall for time and add more word count to this story, but also so that I can meet my dad!
DOBBY: But … he will not recognize you sir!
HARRY: Who cares?
DOBBY: Very well sir. *Crack! Gone*
*CUT TO: Gordic’s Hollow. HARRY and DOBBY appear*
HARRY: Woot! I’m about to meet my dad!
DOBBY: But he is not your dad in this world, sir!
HARRY: Why is it that you’re suddenly starting to act all serious?
DOBBY: Dobby is not sure, sir! He thinks it has something to do with the author’s authoring power.
HARRY: Meh. Whatever. *Goes inside*
AUTHOR: Warning: The following material contains a parody of “slash” fics. If you, for some reason, do not like to read about slash stories getting made fun of, please skip down. I mean no disrespect to anyone in the following passage. Thank you for your time … and attention.
HARRY: Hey! Da- … James! James, where are you! *Hears something from upstairs. Goes upstairs to find … *
JAMES: *Holding hands with Lupin and reading the funnies and giggling*
HARRY: OH my GOD!
JAMES: Huh? Who are you!?
HARRY: WHAT TH- … You’re GAY?
JAMES: Oh, stop. *Flicks wrist* We’re here. We’re queer. Get used to it.
HARRY: But-but …
LUPIN: *Giggle* Come on Jamsey, let’s go to our room.
JAMES: Oh, you tease! *Leaves with LUPIN*
HARRY: *In shock*
DOBBY: *Disturbed*
AUTHOR: *Fortunately did not put JAMES and LUPIN kissing* The content is over. You may uncontort your faces now.
HARRY: *Leaves* Why is my dad … yeah.
DOBBY: Dobby is not sure sir, but he thinks it be best to return you to normal now.
HARRY: Yes. Yes it is.
DOBBY: *Snaps his fingers*
*CUT TO: HARRY and DOBBY back in the Gryffindor common room. Harry has his robes, glasses and scar back*
HARRY: You did it! Great job, Dobby! *Hugs DOBBY*
DOBBY: Uh … normally Dobby would greatly accept this token of gratitude from Harry Potter, but based on what Dobby just saw, he is afraid to.
HARRY: *Groan*
DOBBY: *Leaves slowly to not get noticed*
HARRY: That was annoying. I’m never going to wish that I wasn’t born ever again!
HERMIONE: That’s the spirit, Harry!
HARRY: *Spins around and sees HERMIONE* Hermione! You're alive! Where’d you come from?
HERMIONE: *Eats popcorn* Of course I'm alive! It's not like Voldemort killed me in my first year! Oh, and I usually sit here during most of my free time, to see who’ll pop in to the Gryffindor common room like that. So far it’s been … *checks a list* … you, Ron, Voldemort, the Weasley twins (two times), a possessed teddy bear and … something else. I can’t remember.
HARRY: I … see.
HERMIONE: Well, that’s the end of this Christmas story, everyone. Although it didn’t have much to do with Christmas.
HARRY: Pfft. They’ll think it’s funny anyway.
HERMIONE: Yeah. They think EVERYTHING’s funny.
HARRY: Gotta love those fanfic readers.
THE END
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.