Based on the story "A Christmas Carol" by Charles Dickens. Once again, I did not write that story or create any of J. K. Rowling's characters. Although, they are quite fun to write about.

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HARRY: That story was weird.

RON: Yeah! I’m not THAT stupid…who wrote this??

NARRATOR: Ron discovered that the mysterious book had no author. Harry, however, insisted on continuing to read.

HARRY: This next story’s called…

A CHRISTMAS SCAROL

*CUT TO: Olde London. A very surly looking DRACO Malfoy is going into his counting house.*

DRACO: *Enters and sees his employee, RON Weasley, trying to warm himself by the small fire in the building.* Weasley! What the bloody hell are you doing??

RON: Uh…j-just trying to get warm, sir!

DRACO: Well don’t use my heat! I have to pay for that, y’know!

RON: With all due respect sir…couldn’t you just conjure a fire to keep warm with?

DRACO: Couldn’t YOU?

RON: W-well…I would…but you made me sell you my wand since I had all of those sick days.

DRACO: Ah yes. Well, if you ever manage to make those six days up, I’ll let you buy it back.

RON: But sir…I work every day of the year! How would I find the time-

DRACO: Get a bloody time turner, you idiot!

RON: But you took my time turner too!

DRACO:…just shut up.

RON: Yes sir…*Goes back to his accounting-ness*

*ENTER: COLIN Creevy with a wreath*

COLIN: Merry Christmas every one!

DRACO: My good for nothing cousin. What in god’s name are YOU doing here?

COLIN: Well…I uh, just wanted to ask to see if you wanted to come to my Christmas party tomorrow…

DRACO: You KNOW I hate all that stuff, like “love� and “kindness� and “good hygiene�! Be gone with you!

COLIN: Fine – but you can’t stop me from wishing you a Merry Christmas!! *Scrambles out the door, leaving the wreath behind.*

DRACO: *Goes back to his counting galleons.*

*ENTER: HERMIONE Granger, wearing shabby clothes and holding a small tin cup.*

HERMIONE: Pardon the intrusion sir, but I was wondering if you would like to make a donation to the poor?

DRACO: Oh? And who would these poor folk be?

HERMIONE: House-elves, sir. They need shelter, socks, and hats. Perhaps you could give a donation to help them have a Happy Christmas?

DRACO: You want a donation?? *Grabs the wreath COLIN left behind and slams it onto HERMIONE’s head.* How’s THAT for a donation?!?

HERMIONE: *Leaves sobbing*

DRACO: That’ll show the bloody collection agencies.

*A clock chimes somewhere*

DRACO: *Checks his watch* Six already. Hmmm…I suppose you can go Weasley.

RON: *Hops off his stool and grabs his coat* Thank you sir! And Happy Christmas!

DRACO: Shove it!

RON: *Exits*

*Time passes. Draco finally leaves around nine o’clock*

DRACO: *Arrives at his house and is about to go in, when all of a sudden…*

DOORKNOCKER: *Turns into the face of Lucius* Draaaaaaaaaco…
DRACO: Huh??

DOORKNOCKER: DRAAAAAAACO!!!

DRACO: Bloody thing’s possessed again. *Draco slams open the door, causing the DOORKNOCKER to get slammed against the wall*

DOORKNOCKER: Ow!!!

DRACO: *Ignores the DOORKNOB’s cry of pain and proceeds to go upstairs* As he’s eating his gruel, which is actually quite good, a strange apparition comes through his door. It is LUCIUS Malfoy, DRACO’s father, and he is a ghost, covered in chains and piggy banks.*

LUCIUS: DRAAAACO!!!

DRACO: Daddy??

LUCIUS: Yes. I’ve come to-

DRACO: Oh daddy! I’ve missed you so much! How’ve you been?

LUCIUS: Fine. Now, I’ve come-

DRACO: Did you see I took over the family business like I wanted you to?

LUCIUS: YES. Now pay atten-

DRACO: And I’ve kept the house in good shape too!

LUCIUS: SHUT UP YOU LITTLE BRAT!

DRACO: *Shuts up*

LUCIUS: Now, I’ve come to warn you. See these chains on me? They represent all of the sins I committed when I was your age.

DRACO: Cool!

LUCIUS: Not cool. If you follow the same path as me, you will wind up with these chains for all eternity. You will be visited by three spirits tonight. Follow their advice. That’s an order!

DRACO: Yes daddy…

LUCIUS: You have been warned…farewell!...*Vanishes*
DRACO: *Rubs his eyes in disbelief* Too much butterbeer. *Eventually falls asleep*

TIME: *Passes*

ALARM CLOCK: *Goes off. It is one in the morning.*

DRACO: *Groggily* What th-…*Professor FLITWICK is standing next to his bed, all transparent and ghosty*

FLITWICK: *Is transparent and ghosty* Come on you lazy oaf, get up.

DRACO: Wh…who are you?

FLITWICK: I’m the Ghost of Christmas Past. Now come on, time’s a wastin’! *DRACO and FLITWICK are suddenly pulled out the window, and are flying over London*

DRACO: Where’re we going?

FLITWICK: Your past. We have to see exactly where you went bad.

*CUT TO: FLITWICK and DRACO landing in front of a house. DRACO looks through the window and sees himself as a tyke.*

DRACO: Awwww…wasn’t I cute??

FLITWICK: I’ll give you that, but your personality wasn’t. Watch.

LIL’ DRACO: MOMMY! I want more presents! Where are my presents?! *NARCISSIA Malfoy picks DRACO up to talk to him.*

NARCISSIA: Well…you would have more presents, but since you caused us to spend all of our money on these, our income, as well as our retirement fund and your college money, have been spent.

LIL’ DRACO: But I want MORE!

FLITWICK: *Pulls out a remote and pauses the scene.* About right HERE was where you went bad. *Pushes ‘Play’*

LIL’ DRACO: *Starts bawling and yelling that his parents hate him*

DRACO: I was so cute!

FLITWICK: But also very evil.

DRACO: So? Girls dig cute and evil!

FLITWICK: *Sigh* You’re hopeless.

*In a poof of magic, DRACO is back in his bed and it is 1:02 A.M. FLITWICK has vanished*

DRACO: That was weird. *Falls asleep instantly*

TIME: *Passes again*

ALARM CLOCK: *Goes off at 2 o’clock A.M.

DRACO: *Wakes up this time to see Professor DUMBLEDORE surrounded by food from the traditional Great Hall feast* What’re YOU doing here?

DUMBLEDORE: Ah, my boy…*Eats grape* I am the Ghost of Christmas Present.

DRACO: Why is there a Ghost of Christmas Present?

DUMBLEDORE: Alas, I am not sure. Even though you could very well go see what is happening right now on your own, I believe that I am merely a way for transportation.

DRACO: I see.

DUMBLEDORE: So let’s get a move on…I believe we’re going to visit an employee of yours.

DRACO: *Runs through the list of all one of his employees but can not think of who it is*

DUMBLEDORE: You idiot – Ronald Weasley.

DRACO: OH!...I knew that.

*CUT TO: DRACO and DUMBLEDORE appearing in front of RON’s house*

DRACO: *Peeks in window. He sees Ron and his family sitting down for dinner.

MRS. WEASLEY: Hold on, everyone! We must wait for Tiny Ginny.

DRACO: Tiny Ginny?

DUMBLEDORE: She has a crippling illness that has plagued her her whole life.

DRACO: No, I mean…Tiny Ginny? That’s a horrible name!!! *Laughs at the fact that there is no word for “little� that starts with a G*

MR. WEASLEY: Is there anyone any of us would like to thank before starting this meal?

DRACO: Meal? Please. That’s barely half an owl.

DUMBLEDORE: Maybe if you paid Ronald more at work, he could afford to feed his family more.

RON: I’d like to thank Mr. Malfoy.

FRED and GEORGE: What??

RON: Well, since none of you can work for some reason, I’m the only one who brings in the salary, and if it weren’t for him we wouldn’t have this food.

TINY GINNY: I agree. A toast to Mr. Malfoy!

THE OTHERS: *Aren’t too happy about it but they toast anyways.*

DRACO: Wow…they’re toasting me? I’m honored!

DUMBLEDORE: I’m shocked.

DRACO: Can we go home now? It’s freezing out here.

DUMBLEDORE: Very well. But I see an empty chair where Tiny Ginny once sat…

DRACO: Yeah. That’s because she just got up to go to the bathroom.

*CUT TO: DRACO in his bed. The time is now 2:08 A.M. No one else is in the room.*

DRACO: *Sees the clock* This is gonna be a long night… *Falls asleep*

TIME: *Passes yet again*

ALARM CLOCK: *Goes off at around 3 in the mornin’*

DRACO: *Wakes up* Y’know…I am really getting sick of thi-*Sees final ghost*

*The last ghost, wearing a hood and cloak, is none other than Professor SNAPE. SNAPE glares menacingly at him, but doesn’t say anything.*

DRACO: Wh-who are you?

SNAPE: Think about it.

DRACO: Are you the…Ghost of Bad Fashion?

SNAPE: No you stupid boy. I’m the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come. *SNAPE grabs DRACO’s arm and they vanish.

*CUT TO: A graveyard*

SNAPE: *Appears*

DRACO: *Appears*

SNAPE: Look over there. *Points to a grave over yonder*

DRACO: It’s Weasley…but what is he doing? Who died?

SNAPE: Tiny Ginny. She passed away because her family did not have enough money to pay for the procedure to save her life.

DRACO: Wow. Sucks for them.

SNAPE: Shut up.

RON: *Lays Ginny’s crutches on the tiny yet very sentimental gravestone. A TEAR falls down his eye*

TEAR: *Lands on the ground*

DRACO: Wow, he looks upset. Okay, are we done here?

SNAPE: No. Come with me. *Leads Draco to two gravediggers digging an “anonymous� grave. The gravediggers are CRABBE and GOYLE*

CRABBE: I can’t believe the old bat finally passed away.

GOYLE: Yeah, he sure was a pain.

CRABBE: Like, totally.

GOYLE: Omigod, I know!

CRABBE: Hey, remember when we went to school with this guy?

GOYLE: Yeah, we followed that blond and greasy haired git everywhere.
DRACO: *Wonders who they are talking about*

CRABBE: *Yawns* This is boring. Let’s get food.

GOYLE: Okay. *Leaves along with CRABBE*

DRACO: Spirit…whose lonely grave is this?

SNAPE: It’s yours, you twit.

DRACO: Rats.

SNAPE: Because of your life of solitude, you made no friends and everything you own was sold on that muggle internet site, eBay.

DRACO: No! This cannot be! I have loads of friends!

SNAPE: Ha.

DRACO: Well, look who’s talking.

SNAPE:……Touché.

DRACO: *Pause* So now what?

SNAPE: Well, *Checks the script*…I think I’m supposed to push you into this grave, which opens into a fiery portal to hell, and you scream “I can change, please!�

DRACO: I don’t like this story.

SNAPE: *Pushes DRACO into GRAVE*

GRAVE: *Opens into a fiery portal to hell*

DRACO: AAAAH! Nooo! I can change, please!

SNAPE: *Evil Laugh*

DRACO: Nooo! Noooo! Noooooooooo…

*CUT TO: DRACO in his bedroom, suddenly waking up*

DRACO: Huh??? I’m alive! *Does a happy dance* But the spirits had a point! I must change my selfish selfish ways, or I could end up in a fiery pit to hell or in a bunch of chains and piggy banks! I can give to the house elves! I can go to Colin’s Christmas party! I can..........ahhhh…screw that. I’ll get someone else to do it.

NARRATOR: Thus ends our tale of Draco Malfoy, the selfish brat who never amounted to anything in life.

THE END

Based on the story "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" by Dr. Seuss. I didn't write that or the Harry Potter characters. Remember that now.

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RON: I’m guessing a Slytherin didn’t write this book.

HARRY: Yep.

RON: What’s the next story??

HARRY: Oh, NOW you want to read on?

RON: *Takes the book* I’ll read this one. It’s...

HOW THE SNAPE STOLE CHRISTMAS

Every kid down at Hogwarts
Liked Christmas a lot. But the Snape,
Who lived inside of Hogwarts,
Did NOT.

The Snape HATED Christmas!
The whole Christmas season!
Now, please don’t ask why,
No one quite knows the reason.

It could be, perhaps,
His brain wasn’t quite right.
It COULD be, perhaps,
That his cloak was too tight.

But I think that the most
Likely reason of all
May have been that his heart
Was too sizes too small.

But whatever the reason,
His heart or his cape,
He stood on Christmas Eve,
Hating, that Snape.

Hating all of those kids
With a mean, Snapey face
At the warm lighted houses
In this Hogwarts place.


For he knew, every kid
Up in Hogwarts above,
Was busy now, hanging
decorations with love.

“And they’re hanging their stockings!�
He snarled with a sneer,
“Tomorrow is Christmas!
It’s practically here!�

Then he growled,
With his long fingers nervously drumming,
“I MUST find some way
to stop Christmas from coming!�

For tomorrow, he knew…

...All the girls and boys
Would wake bright and early.
They'd rush for
their toys! And then!

Oh, the noise! Oh, the Noise!
Noise! Noise! Noise!
That's one thing he hated!
The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!

Then everyone, young and old,
would sit down to a feast.
And they'd feast! And they'd feast!
And they'd FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!

They would feast on Plum Pudding
And the rare Magic Beast
Which was something the Snape
Couldn’t stand in the least!

And THEN they’d do something
He liked least of all!
Every kid up at Hogwarts,
The tall and the small,

Would stand close together,
With Christmas bells ringing.
They’d stand hand in hand.
And the kids would start singing!

They’d sing!
And they’d sing!
And they’d SING! SING!
SING! SING!

And the more the Snape thought
of this Kid-Christmas-Sing,
The more the Snape thought,
“I must stop is whole thing!�

“Why, for 20-some years
I’ve put up with it now!�
“I MUST stop This Christmas from coming!
But how?�

Then he got an idea.
An AWFUL idea.
The Snape got a
WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!

"I know just what to do!"
The Snape laughed in his throat.
And he conjured
a Santa Claus hat and a coat.

And he chuckled, and clucked,
“What a great Snapey trick!
With this coat and this hat,
I look just like Saint Nick!�

“All I need is a reindeer…�
The Snape looked around.
But, since reindeer are scarce,
There was none to be found.

Did that stop the old Snape?
No! The Snape simply said,
“If I can’t FIND a reindeer,
I’ll MAKE one instead!�

So he got some ingredients
And made up a potion.
In a flash, came a reindeer
With a flying notion.

THEN he loaded some bags
And some old empty sacks
And hitched up the reindeer
Which he had named Max.

Then the Snape said, “Giddap!�
And the sleigh started up
Toward the houses where the kids
lay a-snooze after sup.

All their windows were dark.
Quiet snow filled the air.
All the kids were all dreaming
sweet dreams without care.

And he came to the first
Hogwarts house on his list.
And he snuck on inside,
empty bags in his fist.

The Snape snuck to
The stockings,
All hung in a row.
“These stockings,� he grinned,
Are the first things to go!

Then he slithered and slunk
With a smile most unpleasant
And around the whole room,
He took every present!

Every-flavor beans!
Best-Chewing gum!
A green Weasley sweater!
And then some!

Then the Snape,
Very nimbly,
Stuffed all the bags
Out the common room entry!

Then he slunk to the kitchens.
He took the kids’ feast!
He took the kids’ pudding!
He took the magic beast!

He cleaned out the kitchens
As quick as a flash.
Why, that Snape even took
The last can of hash!

Then he stuffed all the food
Outside with great glee.
“And NOW!� grinned the Snape,
“I will take out the tree!�

And the Snape grabbed the tree,
And he started to shove
When he heard a small sound
Like the coo of a dove.

He turned around fast,
And he saw a small elf!
T’was big-eyed Dobby
Getting a snack for himself.

The Snape had been caught
By this little house elf
That was getting
Some food for itself.

He stared at the Snape
And said “Why Santy Claus, why,
“Why is you taking our
Christmas tree? WHY?�

But you know, that old Snape
Was so smart and so slick
He thought up a lie,
And he thought it up quick!

“Why, my kind little elf,�
The fake Santa Claus lied,
“There’s a light on this tree
That won’t light on one side!�

“So I’m taking it home
to my workshop my friend,
And fixing it up
I’ll bring it back…in the end.�

And his fib fooled the elf.
Then he patted it’s head,
And he got it a snack
And he sent it to bed.

And when Dobby the elf
Went to bed with his snack,
HE went to the exit
And stole the tree back!

Then the LAST thing he took was the log for their fire!
Then he went out the door, himself, the old liar.
On their walls he left nothing
But some hooks and some wire.

Then he did the same thing
For the OTHER Hogwarts houses!
Taking everything Christmassy
From festive toys to blouses.

It was a quarter past dawn,
All the kids, still a-bed,
All the kids, still a-snooze
When he packed up his sled.

Packed it up with their presents!
The ribbons! The wrappings!
The tags! And the tinsel!
The trimmings! The trappings!

Three thousand feet up!
Over the Hogwarts lake
He road with his load
To get rid of this ache.

“Pooh-Pooh to the kids!�
He was Snape-ish-ly humming.
They’re finding out now
That no Christmas is coming!

“They’re just waking up! I know JUST what they’ll do!
Their mouths will hang open a minute or two.
Then the kids down at Hogwarts
Will all cry ‘Boo Hoo!’�


“That’s a noise,� grinned the Snape,
“That I simply MUST hear!
So he paused. And the Snape
Put his hand to his ear.

And he DID hear a sound
Rising over the snow.
It started in low.
Then it started to grow…

But the sound wasn’t sad!
Why, this sound sounded MERRY!
It couldn’t be so!
But it WAS merry! VERRY!

He stared down at Hogwarts!
The Snape popped his eyes!
Then he shook! What he saw
Was a shocking surprise!

Every kid down at Hogwarts
The tall and the small,
Was singing! Without
Any presents at all!

He HADN’T stopped
Christmas from coming!
It CAME! Somehow or other,
It came just the same!

And the Snape, with his Snape-feet
ice-cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling:
“How could it be so?�

“It came without ribbons!
It came without tags!
It came without packages
Boxes or bags!�

And he puzzled three hours,
Till his puzzler was sore.
THEN the Snape thought of something
He hadn’t before!

“Maybe Christmas,� he thought,
“Doesn’t come from a store.
Maybe Christmas…perhaps…
Means a little bit more!�

And what happened THEN?
Well, at Hogwarts they say
That the Snape’s small heart
Grew three sizes that day!

And the minute his heart
Didn’t feel quite so tight,
He whizzed with his load
Through the bright morning light

And he brought back the toys!
And the food for the feast!
And he…he himself!
The Snape...carved the magic beast!

THE END

Based on the story/song "Frosty the Snowman, by Unknown Author. I did not write Frosty the Snowman, and I did not create the Harry Potter characters. I bet you're sick of me saying this by now.

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HARRY: *Stares at RON*

RON: *Stares at HARRY*

HARRY: *Finally breaks uncomfortable silence caused by the thought that Snape could turn out to be a good caring person* So….shall we read the next story?

RON: Sure. This one’s called…

GRAWPY THE SNOWMAN

NARRATOR: This tale begins at Hagrid’s hut, where he is spending his first Christmas away from his lil’ brother, Grawp.

HAGRID: *Drinking some sort of hot beverage while crying* I jus’ miss him so much! *Bawls* Why’d he ‘ave to go away?? WHY???

HARRY, RON and HERMIONE: *Enter*

HAGRID: Oh, hello all…

RON: Sup Hagrid?

HAGRID: Oh…I was just thinking about Grawpy…

HERMIONE: Hagrid, you’ve got to forget about that……brother…of yours. He’s happy now, and you should be happy that HE’s happy!

HAGRID: Oh, I am…but I can’t stop thinkin’ about ‘em!

HARRY: Maybe you should do something to take your mind off of him. Build a snowman!

HAGRID: Hey! That’s a great idea! I’ll build a giant snowman, in honor of Grawpy!

HERMIONE: Uh…I don’t think-

HARRY: *Stupidly* Can I help???

RON: *Who has been looking down the barrels of Hagrid’s assorted (and loaded) crossbows and guns* Ooo! Can I help too?

HERMIONE: Dear god. I am NOT going to be a part of this *Goes to therapy*

HAGRID: C’mon! We gotta start while the snow ‘ere’s still fresh!

NARRATOR: And so, Harry, Ron and Hagrid built a snowman version of Grawp. It took some time, but when it was finished, what a sight it was!

SNOWMAN: *Is a sight*

HAGRID: Isn’t she a ‘beaut! It’s identical to the original Grawp!

RON: Sweet.

HARRY: You know what would be AWESOME??? If this snowman were to somehow “magically� come to life!

RON: *Sighs* But…how could that ever happen?

HAGRID: I jus’ don’t know. *Totally forgets the fact that he lives at a school of WITCHCRAFT and WIZARDRY.*

HARRY: Hmmm…I don’t know what, but Grawp seems to be missing something!

HAGRID: I know! Grawp used to use everyday things as toothpicks! I’ll stick my umbrella in his teeth. *Sticks his umbrella with magical properties in the snowman’s snow teeth*

UMBRELLA: *Glows*

SNOWMAN: *Jolts*

HAGRID: *Falls off the snowman* Wheeee!

SNOWMAN: *Comes to life*

HARRY: Woot! He’s alive!

HAGRID: Neat!

RON: This incident has inspired me to write a song!

“Grawpy the Snowman was a jolly happy soul!
With an umbrella and a button nose
And two eyes made out of coal…�

HAGRID: Oh no! He’s moving!

SNOWMAN: *Stomps off, stomping several innocent flobberworms in its path*

HARRY: Oh no! We’ve gotta follow it!

RON: “Dooown to the village,
With umbrella in his teeth
Stomping flobberworms and unicorns
And the piles ‘o snow beneath…�

HAGRID: He’s heading towards Hogsmeade!

HARRY: We’ve gotta stop him!

HAGRID: But how! We’re just a dimwitted half-giant and a pair of idiot teenagers!

HARRY: I know! We have to get some expert help.

*CUT TO: The Gryffindor common room. HERMIONE is reading a book.*

HARRY: *Bursts into the common room* Hermionehermionehermionehermionehermionehermioneeee! *Crying*

HERMIONE: It’s okay, it’s okay…just tell me what’s wrong.

HARRY: Well, Hagrid, Ron and I? *Sniffle* We were…we were making a snowman? And it sort of…sort of…*Hiccup*…came to life.

HERMIONE: …I see.

HARRY: Can you help us?

HERMIONE: Yeah, I suppose I’ll have to. Where’s the snowman?

HARRY: About to destroy Hogsmeade.

HERMIONE: Great.

*CUT TO: RON and HAGRID chasing after the SNOWMAN. RON has a guitar and is stringing some notes, trying to come up with some more words.*

RON: “Stompetty stomp stomp
Stompetty stomp stomp
Look at Grawpy go…
Stompetty stomp stomp
Stompetty stomp stomp
Kicking up mounds of snow…�

HAGRID: Oh no! He’s heading straight towards the bar where I drown my endless sorrows in gallons of butterbeer!

RON: You mean The Three Broomsticks?

HAGRID: No, “Plenty ‘o Sorrows Bar for Misfit Creatures�. It’s not in the books because of it’s PG-13 rating.

RON: …

*ENTER: HARRY and HERMIONE, running up*

HARRY: I got Hermione! *Beams proudly*

RON: Good job Harry! *Gives HARRY a cookie*

HERMIONE: Hagrid! Did anything make Grawpy like, weak and defenseless?

HAGRID: Yeah – if you poured Polyjuice Potion on him, he would inexplicably melt for a couple of hours.

HERMIONE: Ooookay. That’s perfect.

RON: But Polyjuice takes months to make and we need it NOW!

HARRY: *Pulls out a flask of Polyjuice potion* Here’s some.

HERMIONE: Harry, where did you get that?

HARRY: I’m the hero. I get anything. *Pulls out a small Yorkshire Terrier and pets it lovingly*

HERMIONE: …

RON: *Takes the Polyjuice Potion and throws it on the SNOWMAN. It hits him in the face and he starts to melt*

SNOWMAN: Nooooooooooooo! What a world, what a world……

RON: “Graawpy the Snowman
Was a’ melting down away,
And he yelled “I will smoosh all of you
If I ever come back one day!�

HARRY: He’s DEAD!!! YAY!

HERMIONE: YAY!

RON: YAY!

HAGRID: *Sobs uncontrollably*

SNOWMAN: *Melts down into a giant snow blob*

SNOW BLOB: *Turns into a giant snow avalanche*

SNOW AVALANCHE: *Heads towards the little innocent town of Hogsmeade*

HERMIONE: CRAP!

RON: DANGIT!

HAGRID: *CUSSES!*

HARRY: COOOL!

HERMIONE: How are we gonna stop it??

HAGRID: I know! I’ll sacrifice myself to save the town!

RON: How?

HAGRID: By throwing myself in front of the avalanche and making a wall to stop it.

HARRY: But won’t you die from the cold?

HAGRID: Probably.

HERMIONE: Oh well. *She and RON and HARRY push HAGRID in front of the SNOW AVALANCHE*

HAGRID: AAAAH! *All of the snow stops suddenly, pushing up against him and burying him.

HARRY: Hagrid! Are you alive?

HAGRID: *Muffled cry from beneath the snow* Yes…..

HERMIONE: Are you hurt?

HAGRID: *Muffled cry from beneath the snow* Yes…..

RON: Did you find the Weasley sweaters I buried around that area?

HAGRID: *Muffled cry from beneath the snow* Yes…

RON: Shucks. I thought I’d finally gotten rid of them that time.

HAGRID: *Stands up, covered in Weasley sweaters*

HERMIONE: Hey! All of those sweaters saved your life!

RON: Wow. They actually came in handy.

HARRY: Come on Hagrid, we’ve gotta get you inside.

NARRATOR: And so, the story had a happy ending. Hagrid was able to stop missing Grawp, the giant Snow Avalanche became a giant tourist attraction and brought loads of business to Hogsmeade, the Weasley sweaters were made into a quilt for children at an orphanage, and Ron became a multimillionaire with the song he had written. Harry and Hermione did absolutely nothing.

THE END

Based on the song "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer", by Johnny Marks. I did not create that story/song, and I did not create the Harry Potter characters, and I did not create cheesy 60's dating shows, and I did not create Hippogriffs.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

RON: Whoever wrote this book must have a lot of spare time on their hands.

HARRY: I’ll read the next one. *Takes the book* This story is called…

BUSTER THE BLUE-BEAKED HIPPOGRIFF

NARRATOR: Buster the Blue-Beaked Hippogriff,
Had a very shiny nose……

We begin our story in the Forbidden Forest near Hogwarts.

*ENTER: Two Hippogriffs, a MOM and a DAD, and their newly born son named BUSTER*

NARRATOR: Hippogriffian is a very hard language to learn. Fortunately, since this is a fictional story, the reader can instantly understand any and all magical creatures!

MOM: Aw, isn’t he adorable?

DAD: Yep, he sure is! He’s got my eyes.

BUSTER: *Cute little squeak*!

MOM and DAD: Awwwwwww…

BUSTER: *Tries to frolic about, but is not used to walking and falls on his buttocks*

BUSTER’S BEAK: *Glows blue*

NARRATOR: ...and if you ever saw it,
you would even say it glows...

MOM: Wha-…what’s with his nose?

DAD: There’s something horribly wrong with him!

MOM: What should we do with him? Should we be responsible and caring parents and love and nurture Buster, for he will surely have a difficult life with this abnormal nose condition of his.

DAD: Or we could kick him out and keep our dignity.

NARRATOR: And so…

BUSTER: *Is thrown out of the cave and into the snow*

DAD: And never come back, you freak!

NARRATOR: All of the other creatures used to laugh and call him names.
They never let poor Buster join in any flying games.

Buster wandered through the snow, alone and hurt. He felt bereaved, bitter, cheerless, dejected, depressed, despairing, despondent, disconsolate, dismal, distressed, doleful, downcast, forlorn, gloomy, glum, grief-stricken, heartbroken, low-spirited, lugubrious, melancholy, morose, mournful, pensive, pessimistic, somber, sorrowful, troubled, upset, wistful, and even woebegone. He came upon a strange hut, and even though hippogriffs usually stay away from humans, he smelled food in this house. He was a hungry hungry hippo…griff.

BUSTER: *Scratches on door*

HAGRID: *Opens the door and sees BUSTER* Why, what’s this? It’s a little hippogriff! All alone and cold…Aww, come on in, you little cutie pie.

BUSTER: *Squeals with joy*

TIME: *Passes. It is years later, and Buster is now a healthy young hippogriff*

NARRATOR: Buster’s beak would still occasionally turn blue, but because of Hagrid’s love and not caring how someone looks (which was obvious, considering how he dressed), he learned to not let the teasing get to him.

HAGRID: *Opening door for BUSTER* You gonna go play in the Forbidden Forest?

BUSTER: *Nod*

HAGRID: Alright, but be careful. Don’t want to get attacked by anyone in weird cloaks drinking unicorn blood.

BUSTER: *Goes out to find his forest friends* Hi guys!

*ENTER: ARTIE, a freakishly large spider, and UNO, a unicorn.*

ARTIE: Hi Bussssster…

UNO: What’s up?

BUSTER: Just came to play. What’s happening today in the forest?

ARTIE: Ssssome of the flying creaturessss in the foresssst are having a flying contessssst.

BUSTER: Cool! I could be in that!
UNO: Let’s go!

*CUT TO: Flying contest in the forest*

*ENTER: BUSTER, UNO and ARTIE. DARIUS, a dragon, spots them as they come*

DARIUS: *To BUSTER* Hey! YOU can’t be here!

BUSTER: Why not? I can fly…

DARIUS: Well, WE don’t have room for freaks! Just the unicorn and the abnormally large spider.

ARTIE: Sssorry Bussster!

BUSTER: It’s okay guys…*Sigh*…*Leaves solemnly*

NARRATOR: Time passes again, and it’s Christmastime, a few years later.

HAGRID: Well Buster, what do you want for Christmas this year?

BUSTER: *Indifferent shrug*

ANONYMOUS OWL: *Suddenly runs into window*

HAGRID: What th-…*Opens window and gets ANONYMOUS OWL*

ANONYMOUS OWL: *Hands HAGRID a letter and flies off woozily*

HAGRID: *Opens letter* Why, it’s a letter from Dumbledore! Dear Hagrid – I need a way to get to the Ministry of Magic tomorrow, but my broom seems to be on the fritz. Could you possibly get one of the creatures from the Forbidden Forest to help me with my flight? Sincerely, Albus. Hey! Buster! This could be yer chance! Why don’t YOU give Dumbledore a ride!

BUSTER: *Indifferent shrug*

*ENTER: HARRY, RON and HERMIONE*

HARRY: Hi Hagrid, Hi Buster!

HERMIONE: What up dawg? *Pounds fist with BUSTER’s claw*

RON: So Hagrid, what are you doing this Christmas?

HAGRID: Not much – just hangin’ out with Buster…unless he decides to help Dumbledore.

HERMIONE: Help him with what?

HAGRID: Dumbledore needs a flying creature to take him to the Ministry of Magic tomorrow. His broom is on the fritz.

HARRY: How? Brooms don’t “break�.

RON: It’s just a plot twist Harry. Whoever’s writing the story COULD put one of us into a perilous situation right at this very instant.

FLOOR UNDERNEATH RON: *Suddenly vanishes*

RON: *Falls but grabs on at the last second. Looks down and sees nothing but darkness* AAAAAAH!

HERMIONE: *Pulls Ron up* You’re SUCH a drama queen.

RON: *Has no comeback*

HAGRID: At least think about it, okay Buster?

BUSTER: *Thinks about thinking about it*

TIME: *Passes, although not that much. Only a day passes now. It’s now Christmas Eve.*

*ENTER: DUMBLEDORE*

DUMBLEDORE: *Knocks on HAGRID’s hut’s door*

HAGRID: *Opens the door*

DUMBLEDORE: *Comes in* Dumbledorz in da house!

HAGRID: *Shocked expression*

DUMBLEDORE: You don’t like? Just trying it on…

HAGRID: I uh, rounded up some creatures that can fly so you can pick whichever you’d like. *Leads Dumbledore outside*

*CUT TO: Behind HAGRID’s hut. There is a sixties-dating-game-show style setup, and two stages, blocked by a wall. There is one stool on one side. The back of the stage is painted lime green with orange and yellow hippie flowers on it*

HARRY: *Comes out in a bright orange game show host suit. He is using his wand as a microphone* WELCOME, contestant, to “CHOOSE YOUR FLIGHT!� We have three great creatures here, all with the flying capability that’ll get you to your destination! Your name please?! *Holds wand up to DUMBLEDORE*

DUMBLEDORE: *Excitedly* My name’s Albus!

HARRY: Glad to have you here Albus! Now let our lovely assistant Ms. Granger show you to your seat!

*ENTER: HERMIONE in a sparkling white dress. She leads Professor Dumbledore to the stool, does some model turns, and walks off*

HARRY: And now, let’s give it up for OUR FLYERS!

RON: *As the audience* Woo! Go flyers! *Whistles and claps*

HERMIONE: *Sits down next to RON*

RON: Hey Hermione, did you know that the word “flyers� can be spelled both “F-L-Y-E-R-S� AND “F-L-I-E-R-S�??

HERMIONE: Omigod! That is CREEPY!

*ENTER: BUSTER, DARIUS, and another dragon, KILIK*

HARRY: All right, Albus! Use the cards we gave you to ask your questions!

ALBUS: *Reads card and can understand the dragons and hippogriff because he knows everything* Con-test-tant-num-ber-one: How-fast-do-you-like-to-fly.

DARIUS: Well, I personally like to go fast – feel the wind on my scales.

ALBUS: Con-test-tant-num-ber-two: What-do-you-en-joy-doing.

KILIK: Well, I personally enjoy watching sunsets, long walks on the beach, but most of all, giving rides to headmasters that need to get to the Ministry of Magic because that idiot Cornelius Fudge doesn’t know how to handle anything.

RON: HEAR HEAR! *Whistles*

HERMIONE: *To RON* You idiot! We want Buster to win, not one of the other two!
RON: Oh! Right! Uh…GO….NOT BEING ABLE TO HANDLE ANYTHING! WOO!

ALBUS: Con-test-tant-num-ber-three: What-is-most-im-por-tant-to-you.

BUSTER: *Indifferent shrug*

ALBUS: I see. Indifferent shrugs.

HAGRID: *Gets nervous because of BUSTER’s introvert lifestyle*

ALBUS: I think I’m going to have to go with…Contestant Number 2!

RON: Aww man…

HERMIONE: Aww man…

HARRY: Aww man…I mean, uh…Congratulations, Contestant Number 2!

DARIUS: I rock! *Moonwalks*

NARRATOR: But all of a sudden, things turned in Buster’s favor!

DUMBLEDORE: *Looks up at sky* Wow, sure is foggy! Can you fly through that, Contestant Number 2?

DARIUS: I…I’m not sure.

HAGRID: *Gets an idea* Buster can! His beak can give off continuous light, where Darius’ flames will eventually wear him out!

DUMBLEDORE: Then I guess Buster can give me a ride!

HARRY: Huttah!

DARIUS: What the heck, Hagrid?? I thought we were friends!

HAGRID: Oh, go back to your killing of cows.

DARIUS: *Exits, angry that he missed his chance*

KILIK: *Exits, angry that he only got a minor role in the story*

NARRATOR: Then that foggy Christmas eve
Dumbledore did say...

DUMBLEDORE: Buster, with your beak so bright,
Won’t you guide my way tonight?

BUSTER: *Indifferent shrug* Sure. Why not.

DUMBLEDORE: Wicked! *Climbs on BUSTER and they take off*

NARRATOR: Buster returned and saved the day – Fudge had accidentally pushed the self destruct button on all magical life and it was about to go off in two seconds, but thanks to Buster’s speed and good line of vision, Dumbledore made it in time to save the world.

Then how the others loved him,
And they shouted out with glee
“Buster the Blue-Beaked Hippogriff…
you’ll go down in his-toe-reeee!�

Like a light bulb!

THE END

Based on something I made up as I went along. I borrowed the title from the song "Deck The Halls" so it would sound festive. I did not create the Harry Potter characters. The book excerpt is from the American version of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, pages 131-132.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

HARRY: So where’s the end of this book? How many stories do you think we have left?

RON: Oh, I’d say a couple. Wanna keep going?

HARRY: Nah, I’m getting sick of reading.

RON: Hey! You can’t just stop! All of the people will get mad!

HARRY: People?

RON: Yeah! The ones out there on the other side of the screen!

HARRY: Oh…THOSE guys. *Grumble*

RON: Fine. I’LL read the next story.

DECK THE HALLS

NARRATOR: Once upon a time, Harry, Ron and Hermione were called to Dumbledore’s office.

*CUT TO: HARRY, RON and HERMIONE entering DUMBLEDORE’s study*

HARRY: You wanted to see us, professor?

DUMBLEDORE: Why yes! I need someone to spruce up Hogwarts for Christmas.

HERMIONE: Well, I know the name of a good decorator if you’re in need of one-

DUMBLEDORE: No, you stupid girl; I want YOU three to do it.

RON: US? Why???

DUMBLEDORE: You’re the perfect ones for the job! And, you’re the main characters of the story, which makes you obligated to do all of the enormous tasks.

HERMIONE: Fun.

DUMBLEDORE: So, hop to it!

RON: But…where are the decorations? The lights? The…other stuff?!

DUMBLEDORE: Like we have room here for all of THAT kind of stuff?

HARRY: …We’ll…do our best, professor…

NARRATOR: And so, Harry, Ron and Hermione were tasked with decorating all of Hogwarts for Christmas. And what a task it was. They decided to each work on a specific project – Hermione would do the decorations, Harry would do the lights, and Ron would get all of the greenery needed.

*CUT TO: RON, out in the Forbidden Forest. He is chopping down a very large tree with an axe*

RON: *Chops*

TREE: *Is chopped*

RON: Why do I have to do all the hard stuff??

*ENTER: HAGRID*

HAGRID: ‘Ello, Ron. What is up?

RON: I need help cutting this tree down! I have to get it into the Great Hall by tomorrow!

HAGRID: I’ll help yeh! *Headbutts tree*

TREE: *Falls over*

RON: Cool! Thanks Hagrid!

HAGRID: *Has brain damage* Glont glention glit!

RON: *Helps HAGRID take the tree inside and then takes the near-unconscious HAGRID to the hospital wing*

NARRATOR: Meanwhile…

*CUT TO: HERMIONE, decorating the castle*

HERMIONE: Decorating is fun when you have magic! *Zaps the tree RON has brought in and it is covered with ornaments*

TREE: *Is a very pretty tree*

HERMIONE: Now, that is a very pretty tree if I do say so myself! Now I think I’ll go do the outside! I wonder if the grounds has any room for inflatable snowmen…*Goes outside*

*CUT TO: HARRY, on the roof, hanging lights. They are little wooden torches with fire that is blue, green, red, and so on, and they are attached together by a cord. Harry is almost finished with the whole castle*

HARRY: This is fun! *Meets up with the end he started with* Now to plug it in and I’ll finally be finished!

PLUGS: *Are both the type with prongs*

HARRY: AAAAAAH!

*CUT TO: HARRY, HERMIONE and RON all meeting in the common room after a long day of working*

HARRY: I finally got all the lights right…they should be coming on any second…

ALL TORCHES IN THE CASTLE: *Suddenly go out due to HARRY’s lights*

HARRY: SON OF A-

HERMIONE: *Interrupts* Well, I got everything decorated…except for the dungeons…I don’t really want to face Professor Snape…

RON: I spent most of the day in the hospital wing with Hagrid. Poor bloke’s got even less of a mind now…

ALL OF THEM: *Sigh*

HARRY: Maybe we should switch jobs! I can get trees and stuff, Hermione can do lights, and Ron, you can decorate!

RON: Good idea!

HERMIONE: Okay!

TIME: *Passes. It is tomorrow…today!*

HERMIONE: *Levitates up to the roof* Okay, time to get to work! *Uses her wand to string all of the torch lights and is done in about ten minutes* That was easy! I think I’ll go see how Harry and Ron are doing! *Turns and walks away, forgetting that she is on a roof*

CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP! *Plummets*

*CUT TO: HARRY covering all of the stairs in the moving staircase room thingie with garland, as well as all of the doors to rooms with cute lil’ wreaths*

HARRY *Reading Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone* “There were a hundred and forty-two staircases at Hogwarts: wide, sweeping ones; narrow, rickety ones; some that led somewhere different on a Friday; some with a vanishing step halfway up that you had to remember to jump.� *Steps off a staircase just as it vanishes, not noticing that it has disappeared.

OTHER STUDENTS ON THE STAIRCASE AND THE GARLAND: *Plummet*

HARRY: *Continuing* “Then there were doors that wouldn’t open unless you asked politely, or tickled them in exactly the right place, and doors that weren’t really doors at all, but solid walls just pretending.� *Hangs a wreath on a door and walks away. The door suddenly vanishes and the wreath falls to the ground, but HARRY doesn’t notice*

HERMIONE: *Suddenly appears next to HARRY, not letting us know how she miraculously saved herself from the plummeting* Hiya Harry! What’s up?

HARRY: Hermione!? How’d you-…you apparated??

HERMIONE: *Scoff* Don’t you remember what I told you in the first book of this story? We’re the main characters! We can do anything and not get sued, because if it weren’t for us and our movie star counterparts, this book series would suck!

ANONYMOUS FEMALE STUDENTS: *To HARRY* Ohmygawd it’s Dan! *Shriek!*

HERMIONE: Anywho…where’s Ron?

HARRY: I’m not sure. I hope that he’s doing a good job decorating…

*CUT TO: RON, in the common room. He has decorated it, but…*

HARRY: You put up EASTER decorations???

HERMIONE: You idiot!

RON: *Next to Easter Tree* Hey look guys! We all got Easter presents! *Takes a large colorful egg from underneath the Easter Tree and hastily cracks it open* I got a chocolate bunny!

HERMIONE: *Annoyed* BOMBARDUM!

EASTER TREE: *Explodes*

RON’S CHOCOLATE BUNNY: *Explodes*

RON: Nooooooooooooooooo! *Picks up the gooey remains of his bunny* Poor Coco…you were too good for this world…*Sniffle*…

HERMIONE: *Turns on her heel and marches out of the common room*

RON: What’s with her?

PARVATI: *Comes up to RON and whispers* PMS…it’s that time of month.

RON: Oh. My. God. Hermione’s a WEREWOLF???

HARRY: Ron, do you know what PMS stands for?

RON: …Poof! Moon Shapeshift….?

PARVATI: Come on Ron. *Takes RON up to the girl’s dorm where he gets a highly descriptive and unneeded lesson about…S-E-X.

RON: *From Girl’s Room* Oh my GOD! THAT’S what happens???

HARRY: *Facepalm*

*CUT TO: Two weeks before Christmas. HARRY, RON and HERMIONE are in DUMBLEDORE’s office*

DUMBLEDORE: Excellent work with the decorations!

HARRY: Thanks Professor.

HERMIONE: It took a lot of work and we are all now failing our classes due to falling asleep in them from exhaustion, but it was worth it!

DUMBLEDORE: Um…about that. We need them down by December 26th.

HARRY: WHAT?? Why????

DUMBLEDORE: We’re already infringing on some of the student’s religious beliefs, and we’ve gotten letters from angry people that say if we don’t take down all of these decorations by after Christmas, they’ll hit us with a lawsuit saying we’re forcing religion.

HARRY: Wow…they’re saying what we’re all thinking!

HERMIONE: Bu-buh-buhhuh-buhhhuhub-buhbbuhhubuhuhbbbb….

RON: Hermione. Shut. Up. I know that you’re postmenstrual-

HERMIONE: *Seething* WHAT? WHO TOLD YOU ABOUT THAT.

RON: *Meekly like a wee little mouse* P-p-arvati…

HERMIONE: *Sends an Avada Kedavra curse her way*

PARVATI: *Kicks the bucket*

RON: Hermione! You just cast an unforgivable!

HERMIONE: How many times have I told you two! You CAN apparate out of Hogwarts! You CAN do illegal stuff and get away with it! GOD!

HARRY: Oh yeah? Then how come I got in trouble for blowing up Aunt Marge and casting a Patronus spell?

HERMIONE: Those were merely plot twists! When nobody’s looking, like in those parts “The Christmas holidays seemed to fly by,� and “Harry’s summer went by in a flash�, THOSE are when you can do all of that stuff!

RON: Oh.

HARRY: Okay, let’s get to work taking down all of this Christmas stuff!

NARRATOR: Harry, Hermione and Ron ended up getting tendonitis from doing all that work. The moral of the story: never work.

THE END

Based on the song "The Twelve Days of Christmas" by Unknown Author. I do not, as you all know, own the Harry Potter characters or that song.
Note to readers: Sadly, I am running out of ideas for Christmas stories *Collective Gasp*. If anyone would like to give me a suggestion in a review, please feel free to.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

HARRY: This book seems to go on forever! How many stories are there??

RON: I think an infinite number until the author runs out of ideas.

AUTHOR: Got that right.

HARRY: The next story is called

THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS

NARRATOR: This book so far has made fun of a great many things. I think it is time to throw something new into the picture – what you delirious Harry Potter fans call “Ships.� Alas, the author of this story cannot please all of you. But, since he is awesome and has taken many hours to write this story, the relationships will be as follows:

Harry & Hermione
Ron & Luna

Don’t like it? Deal with it. They’ll switch around later.

NOW! On with the story!

It was twelve days before Christmas.

RON: *Stupidly* You know what we should do? We should give presents to our girlfriends on these last twelve days! Just like that carol!

HARRY: Okay. But why?

RON: Do you have a better idea for a story?

HARRY: Good point. Let’s think of what we can get Hermione and Luna…

NARRATOR: On the first day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me
A ma-gical pot-pour-ri…

*CUT TO: HERMIONE opening a small box*

HERMIONE: I got a present! I wonder who it’s from! *Opens box*

BOX: *Opens. Inside is an assortment of spices and flower petals*

HERMIONE: Awww! Harry’s so sweet!

LUNA: *Comes up to HERMIONE* Did you get one of those too?

HERMIONE: Yeah – what’s in yours?

LUNA: Uh…bubotuber pus and tiny mandrake…Ron needs to get a dictionary.

HERMIONE: Yeah. Most people don’t know that a potpourri is a mixture of dried flower petals and spices used to scent the air.

LUNA: Well, it scents the air all right! *Plugs nose*

NARRATOR: On the second day of Christmas
My true love gave to me
Two cauldron cakes
And a ma-gi-cal pot-pour-ri…

HARRY: You think Hermione and Luna’ll like the cauldron cakes?

RON: I know Luna will like mine! They’re classic ones!

HARRY: What do you mean by “classic?�

*CUT TO: LUNA, examining one of RON’s cauldron cakes*

LUNA: Hey! I think this is from our first year!

HERMIONE: Yeah…Ron did always hoard food…

LUNA: This sucks. How long will this go on??

HERMIONE: Ten more days…

LUNA: *Groan!*

NARRATOR: On the third day of Christmas
My true love gave to me
Three flying brooms
Two cauldron cakes
And a ma-gi-cal pot-pour-ri…

*CUT TO: LUNA and HERMIONE, getting chased by six little brooms*

HERMIONE: ARE THOSE GUYS CRAZY??

LUNA: I’m breaking up with Ron.

HERMIONE: Well…I guess it had to fit the right number of syllables…

LUNA: We’ve gotta talk to them.

*CUT TO: RON, HARRY, LUNA and HERMIONE in the great hall*

HERMIONE: So what’s up with these gifts???

HARRY: Don’t you like ‘em?

LUNA: HELL NO!

RON: Aww, you’re so cute when you’re mad, honey *Kisses LUNA on the forehead and dashes off to get his next gift prepared*

HARRY: I’ll stop for you Hermione…not so sure about Ron though…

LUNA: Why me?

*CUT TO: RON, singing to himself*

RON: On the fourth day of Christmas
My true love gave to me
Four fire crabs
Three flying brooms
Two cauldron cakes
And a ma-gi-cal pot-pour-ri…

HARRY: *Watching RON* I don’t know if Luna’ll want fire crabs Ron…

RON: Nonsense! Who doesn’t like fire crabs!

*CUT TO: LUNA, getting chased by fire crabs*

LUNA: I DO NOT LIKE FIRE CRABS!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!

*ENTER: HERMIONE*

HERMIONE: Hi Luna, what’s-*Sees fire crabs* Ohmigod!

LUNA: Hermione! Help!

HERMIONE: I, uh, would, but for some odd reason my wand is not working! Looks like you’ll have to run about the castle for a while to provide sheer amusement!

LUNA: AAAAAAAAAAAAH! *Continues to run for sheer amusement*

NARRATOR: On the fifth day of Christmas
My true love gave to me
Fiiiiiiiiiive maaaaaaaagic waaaaaaaaaaaaaands…
Four fire crabs
Three flying brooms
Two cauldron cakes
And a ma-gi-cal pot-pour-ri…

*CUT TO: LUNA, opening a box. Inside are five brand new, finely polished wands*

LUNA: What? Wands?

*ENTER: RON* Hiya honey! Like your new present?

LUNA: I already HAVE a wand.

RON: I know – but I thought you could use five more! And it only cost me my next five summers working at Ollivander’s shop to pay him back!

LUNA: I don’t need these. *Throws them out the window and into the lake*

RON: NOOOOOOOOO! I NEED THOSE!! *Dives into the lake after the wands*

LUNA: I apologize to you readers at the idiocracy of this chapter – sadly, the author of the story seems to have run out of ideas.

*ENTER: RON, sopping wet*

RON: I got the wands! The squid attacked me, but using expelliarmus on him with all five of the wands, I think I killed him!

LUNA: *Has a very close attachment to the squid in the lake* WHAT? You KILLED him??? *Is furious*

RON: Yeah! Isn’t that awesome?

LUNA: *Beats RON over the head with a table*

RON: Wwerareafweewjarlesjkalraejwlghelwajtrlejat? *Silly grin, then faints*

LUNA: *Huffy* THAT BOY HAD BETTER GET HIS ACT TOGETHER!

TIME: *Passes*

*ENTER: RON*

RON: *Has forgotten all about what happened yesterday due to receiving a bash by a table* On the sixth day of Christmas
My true love gave to me
Six yellow roses
Fiiiiiiiiiive maaaaaaaagic waaaaaaaaaaaaaands…
Four fire crabs
Three flying brooms
Two cauldron cakes
And a ma-gi-cal pot-pour-ri…

LUNA: *Takes ROSES* Just roses? Wow! You actually did something right!

RON: *Beams with pride and gets a golden sticker*

ROSES: *Come to life and start to sing “Sound of Music�*

LUNA: Huh?

RON: They’re ENCHANTED ROSES! They’ll sing to you!

LUNA: *Mutters indistinctively about using the Avada Kedavra curse on a certain redhead*

*CUT TO: The next day*

LUNA: *Wakes up to see the ROSES singing to her*

ROSES: On the seventh day of Christmas
My true love gave to me
Seven shooting stars
Six yellow roses
Fiiiiiiiiiive maaaaaaaagic waaaaaaaaaaaaaands…
Four fire crabs
Three flying brooms
Two cauldron cakes
And a ma-gi-cal pot-pour-ri…

LUNA: Huh? Shooting stars? *Is suddenly startled to death by seven meteorites that come crashing into the dorm room* HOLY CRAP!

OTHER RAVENCLAWS: *Waking up* Huh? What’s going on??

LUNA: *Embarrassed* Nothing, nothing! Go back to sleep! *Rushes to find RON*

*CUT TO: RON in the great hall. LUNA is running up to him*

LUNA: WHERE ON EARTH DID YOU GET THE IDEA TO SEND ME SHOOTING STARS??? THAT COULD’VE KILLED SOMEONE!

RON: *Giggle*

LUNA: What? What’s so funny?

RON: You’re wearing your jammies!

LUNA: *Realizes she forgot to change out of her nightgown* Ohmigod! *Runs out, turning red*

EVERYONE IN THE GREAT HALL: *Laughs their heads off*

DUMBLEDORE: *At the head table, laughing hysterically* Y’know, ordinarily I’m not supposed to make fun of students…but THAT! WOW!

*CUT TO: LUNA, sobbing at the edge of the lake and saying “Why me??�

LUNA: Why me??

NARRATOR: On the eighth day of Christmas-

LUNA: *To NARRATOR* NO! Don’t say it! Spare me, spare me! *Pleads*

NARRATOR: I’m sorry. I would, but that would upset Ron, who we all know is a much more important character than you.

LUNA: *Grumble*

NARRATOR: On the eighth day of Christmas
My true love gave to me
Eight crystal balls
Seven shooting stars
Six yellow roses
Fiiiiiiiiiive maaaaaaaagic waaaaaaaaaaaaaands…
Four fire crabs
Three flying brooms
Two cauldron cakes
And a ma-gi-cal pot-pour-ri…

LUNA: *Is suddenly holding 8 large CRYSTAL BALLS in her hands* Awk!

CRYSTAL BALLS: *Are dropped*

LUNA: Hey! With these! I can see and prepare for what Ron’s getting me! *Grabs a CRYSTAL BALL* Oh magic crystal ball, can you show me what comes tomorrow?

CRYSTAL BALL: *Displays an “OUT OF ORDER� sign*

LUNA: Meh. Leave it to Ron to get the cheapest one in the store. *Throws the crystal balls into the lake*

*CUT TO: HARRY, talking to RON*

HARRY: Maybe you should stop giving Luna all of this stuff, Ron.

RON: NONSENSE! Luna loves it!

HARRY: …

RON: I can just tell by the way she’s been acting lately!

HARRY: You mean all the crying?

RON: Exactly! Tears of joy!

*ENTER: HERMIONE*

HERMIONE: Hmmm…no good humor fanfic is complete without someone falling. Have we had anyone falling yet?

HARRY: I don’t think so.

HERMIONE: Okay. Just checking. *Throws NEVILLE out a window*

NEVILLE: WHAT THE @#$%! *Acts very out of cannon* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-*Splat*

HERMIONE: *Looks out the window at his broken remains* You think that was funny enough?

HARRY: I’m not sure. Better do another one in case.

HERMIONE: You’re the boss. *Throws SNAPE out a window*

SNAPE: AAAAAAAAAH! YOU @#$%ing kids! I’m gonna @#$% your @#$ until you @#$%^%#$$*()#(*$&@(*&#@)#^@!!!!!!!!!!!! *Dies*

HERMIONE: That was amusing. *Giggle*

RON: That was just a load of filler if you ask me. *Giggle also*

*CUT TO: LUNA in a classroom making a PINEAPPLE tap-dance across a desk*

PINAPPLE: *Suddenly starts to sing* On the ninth day of Christmas
My true love gave to me
Nine chocolate frogs
Eight crystal balls
Seven shooting stars
Six yellow roses
Fiiiiiiiiiive maaaaaaaagic waaaaaaaaaaaaaands…
Four fire crabs
Three flying brooms
Two cauldron cakes
And a ma-gi-cal pot-pour-ri…

LUNA: Oh great.

NINE CHOCOLATE FROGS: *Suddenly come into the room and start hopping about*

PINEAPPLE: *Flees for its safety*

LUNA: Aah! Stop moving! Who the heck invented these stupid things anyway!?!?

NINE CHOCOLATE FROGS: *Are very offended at being called stupid and go into LUNA’s hair*

*ENTER: HERMIONE*

HERMIONE: Sup Luna?

LUNA: Hermione! Help! I think that the nine chocolate frogs are nesting in my hair!

NINE CHOCOLATE FROGS: *Are indeed nesting in LUNA’s hair and are picking out some nice wallpaper for the place*

HERMIONE: Yep. They seem pretty content.

LUNA: GET ‘EM OUT!

HERMIONE: *Sigh* Oh all right! *Gets the NINE CHOCOLATE FROGS out of LUNA’s hair*

NINE CHOCOLATE FROGS: *Are upset that they didn’t pass escrow but go to find a nice condo in DUMBLEDORE’s beard*

*CUT TO: LUNA in the fetal position on her bed*

ROSES: *Begin singing* On the tenth day of Christmas
My true love gave to me
Ten his’try books
Nine chocolate frogs
Eight crystal balls
Seven shooting stars
Six yellow roses
Fiiiiiiiiiive maaaaaaaagic waaaaaaaaaaaaaands…
Four fire crabs
Three flying brooms
Two cauldron cakes
And a ma-gi-cal pot-pour-ri…

TEN HIS’TRY (Pronounced ‘HIS-TREE’) BOOKS: *Suddenly fall on LUNA*

LUNA: ACKPTH!

HERMIONE: *Is jealous* HEY! I want more copies of ‘Hogwarts: A History’ too! *Whines*

LUNA: Take them! Take them all! I get enough history from Professor Binns’ class!

HERMIONE: Y’know, he’s a very overlooked professor.

LUNA: Duh. He’s dead. And he’s boring.

HERMIONE: You have a point. *Gathers her beloved history books and skips away happily*

LUNA: Wait a minute…how did she get in here?

*CUT TO: HARRY and HERMIONE “snogging� (I’m still not used to that word) in the back of transfiguration class*

RON: *Slides up to them* Hi guys!

HERMOINE: *Immediately pulls away, causing HARRY to bonk his head on hers. She doesn’t feel it because of all of her bushy hair* WHAT? What do you want??

RON: Oh, nothing. Just came to chat.

HARRY: We were…er…sort of in the middle of something!

PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL: *Patiently waits for them to finish their conversation*

ANONYMOUS STUDENT: Um…Professor…why are you letting them just talk?

MCGONAGALL: They’re the main characters! DUH! I have to let them do what they want or else they’re use their Ultimate Magic Powers to get back at me.

ANONYMOUS STUDENT: Oh. *Continues to wait, along with MCGONAGALL and the rest of the class*

RON: So do you think LUNA likes my gifts?

HERMIONE: Um…

RON: Great! I’ll send the next one right away! *Goes to send the next one right away*

HARRY: That boy is hopeless.

HERMIONE: Yep. Okay, you may continue Professor!

MCGONAGALL: Thank you Hermione! *Continues*

*CUT TO: LUNA scribbling with chalk on the dorm room walls, hair all messy and her eyes bloodshot*

LUNA: *Mutters* Potpourri...cauldron c-cakes...flying brooms...fire crabs...bloody magic wands...

NARRATOR: On the eleventh day of Christmas
My true love gave to me
Eleven extra classes
Ten his’try books
Nine chocolate frogs
Eight crystal balls
Seven shooting stars
Six yellow roses
Fiiiiiiiiiive maaaaaaaagic waaaaaaaaaaaaaands…
Four fire crabs
Three flying brooms
Two cauldron cakes
And a ma-gi-cal pot-pour-ri…

LUNA: WHAT? ELEVEN EXTRA CLASSES?

NARRATOR: That’s right! Your boyfriend has graciously signed you up for eleven extra classes! And to help you do that, here is your very own TIME TURNER! Woot!

LUNA: *Catches a time turner that falls from somewhere* Maybe I should go back in time and strangle him while he’s still young. *Grumble grumble*

NARRATOR: You’re really getting sick of this, aren’t you.

LUNA: Ya think??

NARRATOR: Oh all right, we’ll skip to the final day. Just for you.

TIME: *Passes*

LUNA: *Wakes up*

ROSES: *Burst into song* On the twelfth-

LUNA: Oh thank god. This is it.

ROSES: Ahem…On the twelfth day of Christmas
My true love gave to me
Twelve shots of Crucio
Eleven extra classes
Ten his’try books
Nine chocolate frogs
Eight crystal balls
Seven shooting stars
Six yellow roses
Fiiiiiiiiiive maaaaaaaagic waaaaaaaaaaaaaands…
Four fire crabs
Three flying brooms
Two cauldron cakes
And a ma-gi-cal pot-pour-ri…

LUNA: Great. *In pain* Twelve *In pain* shots *In pain* of *In pain* Crucio. *In pain* *In pain* *In pain* *In pain* *In pain* *In pain* *In pain* *In pain* I am going to kill him.

*CUT TO: HARRY and HERMIONE talking*

HARRY: Well, it’s Christmas.

HERMIONE: Yup.

HARRY: Ron’s done with his gifts.

HERMIONE: Yup.

HARRY: And Luna’s probably furious with him.

*ENTER: LUNA, chasing RON*

RON: But honey! I only-

LUNA: YOU ONLY NOTHING, YOU PIECE OF CRAP! WE’RE THROUGH! I CAN’T BELIEVE I ACTUALLY WENT OUT WITH YOU!

HERMIONE: Yup.

THE END

Based on the song "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer." I do not know who this song is by. If you have any more chapter suggestions, please give them to me in reviews.
Warning: A part of this chapter may make a yucky mental picture in your mind (nothing serious, just Snape drunk).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

HARRY: Okay, this IS pretty funny. Can you imagine? Snape getting thrown out a window! *Giggle*

RON: Let’s keep reading! It’s getting INTERESTING now!

HAGRID GOT RUN OVER BY A REINDEER

HERMIONE: *Playing a guitar and singing*Hagrid got run over by a reindeer
Walkin’ home from Hogwarts Christmas Eve
You can say there’s no such thing as Santa
But as for me and Harry, we believe.

He had had too much but-ter beer
And we told him not to go
He forgot his treacle fudge crap
As he staggered out the door into the snow.

When we found him Christmas morning
At the scene of the attack
There were hoof prints on his trench coat
And incriminating “Claus� marks on his back.

Hagrid got run over by a reindeer
Walkin’ home from Hogwarts Christmas Eve
You can say there’s no such thing as Santa
But as for me and Harry, we believe…

*To audience* You’re probably wondering what’s that all about. Well, it’s a long, complicated story. Better get comfortable.

It all started last night, on Christmas Eve…

*CUT TO: The Great Hall. Everyone is feasting on magic beast*

HARRY: Happy Christmas everyone!

RON: And a joyous New Year!

HERMIONE: And…all that other junk. *Sips mimosa*

RON: So, what’dja get me for Christmas Harry? Huh huh huh??

HARRY: *Pats RON’s head* You’ll find out tomorrow.

RON: Awwww…I want it NOW!! *Pouts*

HAGRID: *Comes over to HARRY, RON and HERMIONE, a bit woozy* Hi guys! Wazzup?

HERMIONE: Hagrid, are you all right?

HAGRID: Of course I am!! Why wouldn’t I be?

HARRY: There’s a flobberworm eating your hand.

HAGRID: *Holds up his hand. There is indeed a flobberworm eating it* Bugger. *Throws flobberworm onto the Slytherin table* That’s better.

RON: Hagrid, how much butterbeer have you HAD?

HAGRID: Oh, just twenty…

RON: Twenty…that sure is a lot of mugs…

HAGRID: No, I means twenty kegssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss…*Hiccup*

HARRY: Hagrid! Why on earth would you drink that much!

HAGRID: Snape challenged me to a drinking contest. Guess who won?

HARRY: *Looks over at SNAPE, who is flirting with MCGONAGALL*

SNAPE: *To MCGONAGALL* Wow…both of yous is veeeeeeery pretty…are you twins??

MCGONAGALL: Pardon me, Professor Snape?

SNAPE: Take me now, you sexy old hag! *Smooches her*

MCGONAGALL: PROFESSOR SNAPE!!! *Slap*

SNAPE: Ow……so…maybe some other time?

MCGONAGALL: *Storms away*

SNAPE: I’ll call you!

*CUT TO: HARRY, RON, HERMIONE and HAGRID again*

RON: I’m…guessing you lost.

HAGRID: Yeh…*Sob*

HARRY: Well you shouldn’t go home in this condition. It’s snowy and cold and really really dark!

HAGRID: NONSENSE! I only live down the lane…I’ll be fine.

HERMIONE: No! You can’t! You might get pewnomia!

RON: Or AIDS!

HARRY: Just ask Professor Dumbledore if you can stay the night.

HAGRID: Don’t be silly. I can make it.

RON: Oh all right! But don’t forget your bloody fudge.

HAGRID: Nobody ate it?

HERMIONE: Well, the few people who were stupid enough to are in the hospital wing and about to be put into body bags.

HAGRID: Rats. That’s the second time that’s happened. *Gathers his fudge* Well, I be goin’ now…Toodlooooooooo….*Leaves*

HERMIONE: I’m worried about him. Maybe one of us should accompany him.

RON: Nah, he’s capable of handling things by himself.

*CUT TO: Tomorrow morning. HARRY and HERMIONE are leaving the great hall to go make sure HAGRID’s okay*

HARRY: I can’t believe Ron didn’t want to come?

HERMIONE: He had ice cream last night. You know that makes him sleepy.

HARRY: Too true. Hey…what’s that? *Sees something in the snow*

HERMIONE: I don’t know! *Runs to lump* Ohmigod! It’s…Hagrid!

HARRY: WHAT?

HERMIONE: And here’s a note!

HARRY: *Takes note* “I’m sorry you’re dead. Signed, S.C.�

HERMIONE: S.C.... who’s S.C.?

HARRY: Look! A clue! *Points to hoof marks on HAGRID’s jacket*

HERMIONE: *Inspects HOOF MARKS*

HOOF MARKS: *Have “Reindeer – Property of Santa Claus� imprinted in them*

HERMIONE: I just can’t figure it out!

HARRY: Hey! I think it was Santa Claus!

HERMIONE: Of course! It all makes sense! Wow! Santa Claus is real!

HARRY: You believe in fairies, unicorns, goblins, ghosts, and all sorts of stuff, but you didn’t believe in Santa??

HERMIONE: Yep. But now there’s proof that he exists! What a great day!

HARRY: But Hagrid’s DEAD!

HERMIONE: Oh, right, yes. Very very sad.

HARRY: *Speechless*

*CUT TO: Funeral for HAGRID*

HERMIONE: *Singing to herself* Now we’re all proud of Dumbledore
He’s been taking this quite well
Sittin’ up there reading Prophets
Drinking butterbeer and looking not so swell.

It’s not Christmas without Hagrid
All the staff is dressed in black
And they just can’t help but wonder
Should they open up his gifts or send ‘em back?

Hagrid got run over by a reindeer
Walkin’ home from Hogwarts Christmas Eve
You can say there’s no such thing as Santa
But as for me and Harry, we believe.

Well, the whole school’s upset about Hagrid’s “mysterious� death…except those stupid Slytherins. They’re holding a party.

SLYTHERINS: *Blow noisemakers and throw confetti*

HERMIONE: And Dumbledore’s up there, waiting to start the funeral, checking up on his Horoscope.

DUMBLEDORE: *Reads his horoscope* “Today the half-giant you let stay at your school after he was expelled will die.� *Sigh*

HERMIONE: Okay, everyone’s in place. Time to start.

DUMBLEDORE: I always had a special saying for Hagrid…grandiculus belua bardus. He never understood it, thank god.

HERMIONE: *Gasp*

HARRY: What? What does it mean?

HERMIONE: If I’m right…I think it means…“Big Brute is Stupid.�

RON: Well…that’s…something.

HARRY: Well…he WAS sort of a big stupid brute.

HERMIONE: Yeah.

RON: I guess we ALL secretly hated Hagrid.

HARRY: Too true.

DUMBLEDORE: Hagrid was very special to all of us. Many of us, special needs.

HERMIONE: What the heck? Is he really saying this??

DUMBLEDORE: We will remember him forever, and his body shall be returned to whence it came from. The Hogwarts Lake.

HARRY: What did he say?

DUMBLEDORE: That is all. You may return to whatever you were doing. Oh, Merry Christmas!! *Smile*

*CUT TO: HARRY, HERMIONE and RON visiting HAGRID’s grave*

HERMIONE: I’m gonna miss Hagrid. And I’m gonna miss you guys.

HARRY: Huh?

HERMIONE: I have to leave in a couple of days.

RON: What? Why??

HERMIONE: Well, I was writing a song about this experience, and I sent it in to a record company to see if I could get rich off of it, but a different version very similar to mine was already written, and now I’m going to jail for plagiarism.

HARRY: “Other version?� I’ve never heard of another version.

HERMIONE: Apparently it’s about someone’s grandma.

RON: Whateva.

HERMIONE: I’ll be in the same prison as Martha Stewart.

HARRY: You mean that freaky-deaky American muggle that was obsessed with décor?

HERMIONE: Yep. It’s gonna be hell.

RON: Well, I had a happy Christmas. I got this new thing called a computer, and already I’m bilingual!

HARRY: Oh?

RON: Yah – well, ttyl u guyz. OMG my new comps awsum.Im gunna go ownz 0n 1nt3rn3t gamz. TTFN.

HARRY: …

HERMIONE: AND GOD BLESS EVERYONE!

THE END

AUTHOR: P.S.: So you know what the whole thing sounds like, here's the full song that got Hermione hard time.

Hagrid got run over by a reindeer
Walkin’ home from Hogwarts Christmas Eve
You can say there’s no such thing as Santa
But as for me and Harry, we believe.

He had had too much but-ter beer
And we told him not to go
He forgot his treacle fudge crap
As he staggered out the door into the snow.

When we found him Christmas morning
At the scene of the attack
There were hoof prints on his trench coat
And incriminating “Claus� marks on his back.

Hagrid got run over by a reindeer
Walkin’ home from Hogwarts Christmas Eve
You can say there’s no such thing as Santa
But as for me and Harry, we believe.

Now we’re all proud of Dumbledore
He’s been taking this quite well
Sittin’ up there reading Prophets
Drinking butterbeer and looking not so swell.

It’s not Christmas without Hagrid
All the staff is dressed in black
And they just can’t help but wonder
Should they open up his gifts or send ‘em back?

Hagrid got run over by a reindeer
Walkin’ home from Hogwarts Christmas Eve
You can say there’s no such thing as Santa
But as for me and Harry, we believe.

Based on "The Nutcracker" by Tchaikovsky. I did not write that story/play, and I did not make the Harry Potter characters or Mountain Dewâ„¢.

This story, like practically every other fanfiction story on this site, features James, Lily, etc. instead of Harry, Hermione and Ron. It's a change from the other stories, but I thought "The Nutcracker" would be a good one for Lily and James.

Also, my offer for suggestions is still open! Any you send will be considered and rejected and/or used!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

HARRY: That one was….weird.

RON: Depressing. *Pause*

HARRY: *Pause also*

RON: Okay! Next one!

THE NUTCRACKED

NARRATOR: Once upon a time, there was a little girl by the name of Lily. She loved Christmastime. And one year, she got a very special present.

LILY: Oh Granpapa, do I get my presents yet?

GRANPAPA: Oh, be patient little one!

LILY: NO!! I WANT MY PRESENT NOW! WAAAAAAAAAAH!

GRANPAPA: Oh all right you little brat! *Throws LILY a box and runs away before his eardrums break*

LILY: YAY! *Rips off paper* It’s a… nutcracker?

NUTCRACKER: *Has a strikingly similar appearance to James Potter*

LILY: Why the heck would I need a nutcracker? *Suddenly becomes interested in her GRANDPAPA’s WAND* Hey! What’s this weird stick thing? *Points it at a mirror* It looks fun!

WAND: *Suddenly shoots off*

LILY: Oops.

WAND’S MAGIC: *Ricochets off the mirror and hits the NUTCRACKER, then bounces off the NUTCRACKER and hits LILY*

LILY: Ow! Hey! ….uh oh…I feel funny…*Starts to shrink*

*CUT TO: A small LILY standing amongst large presents*

LILY: Aaah! I shranked! And now I can’t open any of my presents! *Starts to cry*

NUTCRACKER: *Is alive* Don’t be sad! It will be okay!

LILY: AAAAAAH! POSSESSED NUTCRACKER! *Judos the NUTCRACKER’s arm off*

NUTCRACKER: Hey! I’ve only got two of those!

LILY: You’re not an evil possessed nutcracker?

NUTCRACKER: NO! I was GONNA try to help you! Until you chopped my arm off!

LILY: Oops. Sorry. *Puts NUTCRACKER’s arm back on*

NUTCRACKER: *Smug* Thank you.

LILY: So…what now?

NUTCRACKER: Well, we wait for the evil dude to attack us and then he kidnaps you and then I go and save you!

LILY: Oh joy.

NUTCRACKER: *Checks his watch* …which should be in about five…four…three…two…

EVIL DUDE: *Suddenly appears* HA! You! You girl!

LILY: What.

EVIL DUDE: You will come with me and be my Queeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen!

LILY: Uh, I think not!

EVIL DUDE: *Comes out of the shadows*

NUTCRACKER: It’s you! My old nemesis! The Rat King! A.K.A. WORMTAIL!

LILY: I thought you knew what was gonna happen.

NUTCRACKER: Well, uh…yeah.

WORMTAIL: Bwahahaha! *Grabs LILY*

LILY: Help! HELP! YOU GOOD FOR NOTHING NUTCRACKER!

NUTCRACKER: Just a minute, just a minute! *Is tying his shoe*

WORMTAIL: *Takes LILY away*

LILY: *Is taken away*

NUTCRACKER: Rats.

*CUT TO: THE RAT KING (A.K.A. WORMTAIL)’s lair. WORMTAIL has tied up LILY and is waiting for the NUTCRACKER*

WORMTAIL: So…how’ve you been?

LILY: Oh…can’t complain.

WORMTAIL: Read any good books lately?

LILY: Why yes! This really interesting one, it’s about-

*ENTER: NUTCRACKER*

NUTCRACKER: UNHAND THAT HUMAN GIRL!

WORMTAIL: *Sigh* And right when I was having an actual conversation with someone!

NUTCRACKER: *Pulls out wand*

WORMTAIL: *Also pulls out wand*

NUTCRACKER: I challenge you to a duel!

WORMTAIL: A WIZARD’S duel?

NUTCRACKER: Is there any other kind?

LILY: Hoo boy.

NUTCRACKER: *Begins the duel* Expelliarmus!

WORMTAIL: *Dodges* Rictusempra!

NUTCRACKER: Mimblewimble!

SPELLS: *Hit each other and cause a gimungous explosion*

NUTCRACKER: AAH! Shrapnel!

WORMTAIL: AAH! 3rd degree burns! *Runs away, whining and crying*

LILY: *Unties herself* Wowza. That was interesting.

NUTCRACKER: Lily! I’m dying!

LILY: You’re a nutcracker. How can you die?

NUTCRACKER: *Seems to die* HURK!

LILY: Oh. He IS dead. Poo.

NARRATOR: When all hope seemed lost, a magical creature suddenly appeared!

MYSTERIOUS ORB: *Appears and starts to glow*

LILY: What th-….

MYSTERIOUS ORB: *Turns in to none other than REMUS, wearing his regular clothes but he has fairy wings coming out of his back. He is the Sugar Plum Fairy*

LILY: Who are YOU?

REMUS: I’m the Sugar Plum Fairy!

LILY: Can you help my friend?

REMUS: Of course! He’s just knocked out, but by giving him Mountain Dew™, a drink LOADED with caffeine, he’ll get right up!

LILY: Sweet.

REMUS: *Waves his wand. A bottle of Mountain Dew™ appears over the NUTCRACKER’s mouth and it pours into it. Instantly the NUTCRACKER wakes up*

NUTCRACKER: Woah! What happened!?

LILY: This sugar plum dude saved you.

NUTCRACKER: Hey! I know you! Remus!

REMUS: *Sigh* Hi James.

NUTCRACKER: Wow. Look at you. You always WERE the girly one.

REMUS: *Rolls up his sleeves angrily* Why I oughta…

LILY: Okay okay…I hate to break up this…charming…reunion, but we have to get out of here!

REMUS: Okay! *Poofs up a cell phone and calls someone* Yeah…I need help…get the sleigh.

*ENTER: Another MYSTERIOUS ORB*

MYSTERIOUS ORB: *Turns into SIRIUS*

NUTCRACKER: Oh, Sirius. He got you too?

SIRIUS: *Eye Roll* Hey, I needed the extra cash, and Remus said he knew a good job, so…

NUTCRACKER: Good lord.

LILY: Okay, can we just go??

SIRIUS: Hang on, we’ve gotta finish this.

REMUS: James, we’ve worked our butts off this year while YOU’VE just hung out, acting all cool and smarmy, and-

NUTCRACKER: “SMARMY?� God Remus, been reading the dictionary lately?

SIRIUS: Well at least he DID something! You lazy bum, you’re an embarrassment to the Marauders!

REMUS: Oooo! Buuuurn!

NUTCRACKER: That hurt. You’re goin’ down. *Dives for SIRIUS*

SIRIUS: *Flies up and away from the NUTCRACKER using his little girly fairy wings* These things actually come in handy! Now all you have to do is admit that Remus and I are smarter, cooler, and generally better than you.

NUTCRACKER: How ‘bout not.

REMUS: Guys! Guys! Can’t we all agree that we are ALL much much better than that Wormtail scum?

SIRIUS: *Thinks*

NUTCRACKER: *Thinks*

SIRIUS: I’m okay with that.

NUTCRACKER: Yeah, me too.

REMUS: FINALLY! We’re getting somewhere.

LILY: HEY! EVERYONE! I’M THE FREAKIN’ MAIN CHARACTER OF THE STORY, SO SHUT UP AND PAY ATTENTION TO ME!

REMUS: O-o-okay…

LILY: So can we GO now??

SIRIUS: Sure. Hop in.

LILY: *Gets in the sleigh with the NUTCRACKER. REMUS and SIRIUS wave their wands, and in an instant, everything goes white*

*CUT TO: LILY, lying on the floor where she was at the beginning of the story. She is normal sized, and the NUTCRACKER that looks strikingly similar to James Potter is on the ground next to her*

LILY: *Wakes up* Huh? What happened? *Sees clock. No time has passed* W-…was it all a dream? *Looks at NUTCRACKER* You didn’t really come to life, did you?

NUTCRACKER: *Is not alive*

LILY: I could’ve sworn…Nah. Nutcrackers are useless. *Throws it into the fire*

NUTCRACKER: *Screams in pain, but LILY doesn’t hear him*

NARRATOR: And that, my friends, is how Lily Evans spent her Christmas. And what a fine Christmas it was.

LILY: I’d better burn my Grandpapa’s weird stick too, so it’s foul and evil purposes can never affect me ever ever again!

*ENTER: GRANDPAPA, seeing LILY burn his…you-know-what*

GRANDPAPA: LILY!! NOOOOOOOOO!

LILY: What?

GRANDPAPA: YOU STUPID UGLY GIRL! YOU DESTROYED THE SOURCE OF MY POWER!!

LILY: What? Did that stick thing have pot in it or something?

GRANDPAPA: Uh…yes?

LILY: I’m gonna have to turn you in then Grandpapa!

GRANDPAPA: Wait! I mean no! I mean…just shut up.

LILY: Yes sir!

THE END

Based on the story "It's A Wonderful Life" by Frank Capra and James Stewart. I did not write that story nor create the Harry Potter characters nor create Jar-Jar Binks.
NOTE: Some very very mild slash in this story because I am making fun of it. Please don't kill me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

HARRY: Woah. How did a story about my PARENTS get in here?!?

RON: I have no idea. But let’s keep reading.

HARRY: Fine, fine …

IT’S A HORRIBLE LIFE

NARRATOR: This story involves a bunch of misunderstandings and a weird little elf. It all starts a few days before Christmas, when Dobby the house elf was cleaning the Gryffindor common room.

DOBBY: Dobby is going to make this room shine for Harry Potter, he is! Dobby loves his job!

*ENTER: HARRY*

HARRY: Hi, Dobby.

DOBBY: Harry Potter! Such an honor it is!

HARRY: *Sigh* Are you going to say that EVERY time we meet?

DOBBY: Yes sir! Dobby has a high respect for his trademark sayings!

HARRY: *Mutters something about incompetent house elves and goes to the dorm room*

DOBBY: Harry Potter sure seems upset! I wonder if I can help him somehow!

*CUT TO: HARRY in the dorm*

HARRY: Man, my life sucks. Today I lost 500,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 house points, flunked three of my classes, battled Voldemort and got twenty-six students killed, and worst of all, Snape spat on me in Potions!

*ENTER: DOBBY, watching HARRY in secret*

DOBBY: Poor Harry Potter!

HARRY: Sometimes I wish … I wish I was never born!

DOBBY: Hey! Dobby can help with that! With a mere snap of Dobby’s fingers!

DOBBY’S FINGERS: *Snaps merely*

HARRY: Huh? Dobby? *POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOF!*

*CUT TO: HARRY outside Hogwarts in the snow*

HARRY: What th- … did Dobby teleport me outside?! I’m gonna kill that friggin’ elf! *Goes inside Hogwarts to report this to DUMBLEDORE*

*CUT TO: DUMBLEDORE’s study*

DUMBLEDORE: Oooh! My stocks in Enron are up! Up! UP! I KNEW it was a good idea to spend all of Hogwarts’ funds on this company!

*ENTER: HARRY*

DUMBLEDORE: Hey?! Who are you? How’d you get in here?

HARRY: Huh????? What do you mean Professor? It’s me! Harry! The important one!

DUMBLEDORE: I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about.

HARRY: Come on Dumbledore! It’s me! Harry Potter! The Boy Who Lived! The Boy Who Defeated You-Know-Who! The Boy Who Has Earned J.K. Rowling Millions Of Dollars!

DUMBLEDORE: WHAT? Voldemort is still here, you idiot! This place gets attacked three times a day! And I am getting sick of this! If only there were some prodigal son who was predicted to come and save us …

HARRY: But-

DUMBLEDORE: Now get out of my office, you weird kid who bears a striking resemblance to James Potter! Except for your eyes. You have Lily’s eyes.

HARRY: *Leaves, dumbfounded. Only then does he realize that he is wearing clothes that are just plain gray -- no Hogwarts robes or anything. And his glasses are gone* What’s going on?!? I’ve gotta find Ron and Hermione! *Goes to the Gryffindor common room*

*CUT TO: RON in the Gryffindor common room*

*ENTER: HARRY*

RON: Hey! Who are you?

HARRY: Ron, it’s me! Harry!

RON: Harry who?

HARRY: Ah, forget it! Where’s Hermione??

RON: Hermione? Hermione who?

HARRY: Hermione GRANGER!

RON: Hey … yeah, I remember her … annoying little know-it-all … she died in our first year, when You-Know-Who did his annual attack, killing every Muggle-born in the school.

HARRY: What?? She’s dead?

RON: Yeah. Doesn’t matter, though. She was such an annoying bookworm! *Eats a carrot*

HARRY: Where did you get that?

RON: What?

HARRY: That carrot.

RON: What carrot?

HARRY: The one you’re eating right now.

RON: I’m not eating a carrot.

HARRY: Yes you are, you’re chewing on it as we speak!

RON: No I’m not.

HARRY: I give up! *Leaves*

RON: *Finishes carrot* How’d you get in here?

*CUT TO: DOBBY wandering the streets of Hogsmeade. Everything is dark and depressing*

DOBBY: Hmmm … Dobby thinks granting that wish for Harry Potter was a bad idea … The Dark Lord is alive, he is. And Dobby will sure be treated unfairly! Why did George Lucas have to stereotype Jar-Jar Binks like that!? WHY!?!?! *Notices a shop sign* Ooo! A sale on socks!

*CUT TO: HARRY, trudging through Hogsmeade. He is not getting his usual stares, and realizes that he does not have a scar anymore*

HARRY: Hey! I know who did all this! Dobby! He must’ve heard me talking about how I wish I had never been bored, and cast a spell! And since he’s so powerful, it literally affected the whole universe! *Pause* Wow! It takes most people the whole story to figure out that kind of stuff! I must be getting smarter! *Runs into a post*

POST: *Has a sign on it*

HARRY: Wha? What’s this say?

SIGN: If you have spotted any Muggle-borns around here, please LET US KNOW!

HARRY: This is horrible! What good could be in this type of world?! *Suddenly has another brain thought* Wait a minute … if I wasn’t born … then Voldemort would have no reason to kill my parents! They might be alive! Well, except mom. Oh well.

*ENTER: DOBBY, carrying about 523,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 socks.

DOBBY: Harry Potter! There you are!

HARRY: Huh? You recognize me?

DOBBY: Yes! Dobby was not affected by Harry Potter’s wish!

HARRY: Awesome!

DOBBY: Yes!

HARRY: Okay! Change it back! But first, take me to Gordic’s Hollow!

DOBBY: Why?

HARRY: Mainly to stall for time and add more word count to this story, but also so that I can meet my dad!

DOBBY: But … he will not recognize you sir!

HARRY: Who cares?

DOBBY: Very well sir. *Crack! Gone*

*CUT TO: Gordic’s Hollow. HARRY and DOBBY appear*

HARRY: Woot! I’m about to meet my dad!

DOBBY: But he is not your dad in this world, sir!

HARRY: Why is it that you’re suddenly starting to act all serious?

DOBBY: Dobby is not sure, sir! He thinks it has something to do with the author’s authoring power.

HARRY: Meh. Whatever. *Goes inside*

AUTHOR: Warning: The following material contains a parody of “slash� fics. If you, for some reason, do not like to read about slash stories getting made fun of, please skip down. I mean no disrespect to anyone in the following passage. Thank you for your time … and attention.

HARRY: Hey! Da- … James! James, where are you! *Hears something from upstairs. Goes upstairs to find … *

JAMES: *Holding hands with Lupin and reading the funnies and giggling*

HARRY: OH my GOD!

JAMES: Huh? Who are you!?

HARRY: WHAT TH- … You’re GAY?

JAMES: Oh, stop. *Flicks wrist* We’re here. We’re queer. Get used to it.

HARRY: But-but …

LUPIN: *Giggle* Come on Jamsey, let’s go to our room.

JAMES: Oh, you tease! *Leaves with LUPIN*

HARRY: *In shock*

DOBBY: *Disturbed*

AUTHOR: *Fortunately did not put JAMES and LUPIN kissing* The content is over. You may uncontort your faces now.

HARRY: *Leaves* Why is my dad … yeah.

DOBBY: Dobby is not sure sir, but he thinks it be best to return you to normal now.

HARRY: Yes. Yes it is.

DOBBY: *Snaps his fingers*

*CUT TO: HARRY and DOBBY back in the Gryffindor common room. Harry has his robes, glasses and scar back*

HARRY: You did it! Great job, Dobby! *Hugs DOBBY*

DOBBY: Uh … normally Dobby would greatly accept this token of gratitude from Harry Potter, but based on what Dobby just saw, he is afraid to.

HARRY: *Groan*

DOBBY: *Leaves slowly to not get noticed*

HARRY: That was annoying. I’m never going to wish that I wasn’t born ever again!

HERMIONE: That’s the spirit, Harry!

HARRY: *Spins around and sees HERMIONE* Hermione! You're alive! Where’d you come from?

HERMIONE: *Eats popcorn* Of course I'm alive! It's not like Voldemort killed me in my first year! Oh, and I usually sit here during most of my free time, to see who’ll pop in to the Gryffindor common room like that. So far it’s been … *checks a list* … you, Ron, Voldemort, the Weasley twins (two times), a possessed teddy bear and … something else. I can’t remember.

HARRY: I … see.

HERMIONE: Well, that’s the end of this Christmas story, everyone. Although it didn’t have much to do with Christmas.

HARRY: Pfft. They’ll think it’s funny anyway.

HERMIONE: Yeah. They think EVERYTHING’s funny.

HARRY: Gotta love those fanfic readers.

THE END

Based on the play/story by Barbara Robinson. I did not write that story or the Harry Potter characters.

NOTE: I do not mean any disrespect to anyone in this story. I just put down what first came to my head, and I apologize if some of my comments involving religion insult anyone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

HARRY: I don’t really have much to say to start this one off.

RON: Me neither.

HARRY: Meh.

RON: OK, let’s read.

HARRY: This story is …

THE [Insert Adjective Here]-EST CHRISTMAS PAGEANT EVER

NARRATOR: Hermione Granger has just been assigned the task of putting together a Christmas play.

HERMIONE: I’ve just been assigned the task of putting together a Christmas play! Why me??!?!?!?!!?!?!?

NARRATOR: Because you’re the smart one.

HERMIONE: *Sigh* The sacrifices one makes for intelligence.

*CUT TO: DUMBLEDORE addressing the Great Hall*

DUMBLEDORE: If you are interested in participating in the school’s Christmas pageant, please see Ms. Hermione Granger. You may now return to your eating of … stuff.

RON: So, what’s this play about?

HERMIONE: Well, these kids are putting together a play about Jesus’s birth, and just as it is about to be ruined, Santa arrives in a spaceship and all of the kids go with Santa to the moon and be blissfully, blissfully happy for the rest of their days.

RON: COOL! Can I be the spaceship?

HARRY: No! I get to be the spaceship!

HERMIONE: No one is going to be the spaceship.

RON: Aww … can I be a stage curtain?

HERMIONE: NO!

*CUT TO: HERMIONE in the common room tired and trying to figure out stuff*

HERMIONE: OK, I’ve got all the cast members, now all I need are props, lights, backgrounds, rehearsal times, costumes and … an auditorium.

*ENTER: HARRY*

HARRY: Whatcha doin’?

HERMIONE: I’m trying to figure out how to put this whole thing together.

HARRY: Oh! You’re doing a jigsaw puzzle? I hate those! Especially the two-piece ones.

HERMIONE: *Stares at HARRY*

HARRY: What? They’re HARD!!

*ENTER: RON in a shepherd outfit*

RON: Hey guys! How do I look?

HERMIONE: Like a shepherd.

RON: Shepherd?? I thought this was Michael Jackson! *Leaves moonwalking*

HARRY: Hey ‘Mione?

HERMIONE: Yes, Harry?

HARRY: Why are we doing this play? It has religious characters in it, and--

HERMIONE: Harry, I already explained this to you waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay back in the first story. *Opens up her “A Very Harry Christmas� Script and runs her line down the page* See? Right here.

HARRY: *Gets his script out too* But … all you say is, “You heard me.�

HERMIONE: And I’m saying it again. You heard me.

HARRY: But … but … but …

HERMIONE: Stop talking about someone’s butt, Harry. That’s vulgar.

*ENTER: RON*

RON: *Wearing a wise man outfit* How about this? Is THIS Michael Jackson?

HARRY: Yeah. The satin really shows it.

HERMIONE: BOTH OF YOU GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE I BLOODY CRUCIO YOU!

RON: *Squeals with fear and runs off like a little sissy girl*

HARRY: HERMIONE! You scared him! Now he’s gonna have bad dreams.

HERMIONE: Oops.

*CUT TO: HERMIONE in the newly added Hogwarts Auditorium*

HARRY: HERMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINEE! I CAN’T FIND THE JUICE AND COOKIES I BROUGHT FOR THE CAST!

HERMIONE: For heaven’s sake Harry, they’re right in your hands!

HARRY: *Looks down and sees them* Oh. Thanks!

HERMIONE: Why is it that in practically every humor fanfic I’M the one getting stuck being responsible for the other two? Why oh why can’t I be the stupid one for once?!

RON: HERMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINEE! I’M STUCK IN THE ORCHESTRA PIT!

HERMIONE: *Groan*

*CUT TO: The night of the performance*

NARRATOR: *To HERMIONE* So, we haven’t seen any of your practices. How would you say the play is?

HERMIONE: It sucks. Every single student in this school has become incompetent and stupid.

NARRATOR: I uh, think that’s what the author was going for.

HERMIONE: WHAT? Why would he do that to me?! I’m his favorite character!

NARRATOR: Hey, I don’t make the rules. I just work here.

HERMIONE: Stupid Narrator … Good-for-nothing bum …

DUMBLEDORE: Hi, everyone!

EVERYONE: Hi, Professor Dumbledore!

DUMBLEDORE: Welcome to our very first Hogwarts Christmas Play! It’ll be tons of fun!

SLYTHERINS: BOO! THIS SUCKS!

DUMBLEDORE: Y’know, I’ve had it with you Slytherins. Go to the bloody Durmstrang school! GET OUT! I HATE YOU ALL!

SLYTHERINS: *Leave with shocked faces*

DUMBLEDORE: GOD, that felt good. Now, on with the show!

CURTAIN: *Opens. Onstage is GINNY dressed as a servant and HARRY dressed as a king*

GINNY: My lord, news from Bethlehem.

HARRY: Kinky.

GINNY: Apparently there’s some new baby who’s supposed to overrule you.

HARRY: What? No one overrules King Bob! I mean, King Herod! We must dispose of him!

HERMIONE: *Backstage* Oh god … *Facepalm*

GINNY: Yes master. *Leaves stage*

HARRY: Already my evil plans are being set in motion! Bwahahahahaha!

HERMIONE: Hey! That’s not in the script!

*CUT TO: Near the end of the play. HARRY, NEVILLE and CHO Chang are onstage*

CHO: This play is going to be a disaster!

HARRY: I know! The part of king seemed so cool, but now that I’ve learned about the horrible government system they ran, I don’t want to be one!

NEVILLE: And I-- … *Checks his lines* Keep forgetting my knives! ... I mean *Checks lines again* lines!

ENTER: *A Gimungous Spaceship. Out of it steps RON dressed as Santa*

RON: HU HU HU!

HARRY: *Whispers* Ron! It’s Ho ho ho! Not Hu hu hu!

RON: I mean, HO HO HO! What seems to be the problem kids!

CHO: Our play is kaput!

NEVILLE: We can’t do it without any help!

HARRY: What they said!

RON: Don’t worry kids! I can help! Come with me in my spaceship! We’ll go to Planet Santa in the Ford Galaxy (adjacent to the Milky Way), and be blissfully, blissfully happy until the end of our days!

CHO: YAAY!

HARRY: YAAY!

NEVILLE: *Checks his lines* … YAAY!

RON: Let’s go!

CHO: *Climbs in spaceship*

NEVILLE: *Climbs in spaceship*

HARRY: AND GOD BLESS US, EVERYONE! *Climbs in spaceship*

CURTAIN: *Closes*

EVERYONE: *Applauds*

DUMBLEDORE: *Comes on stage* That was wonderful everyone! Unfortunately, everyone that was in the play is getting sued two million dollars each for infringing on copyright laws and having a certain religion in a book!

HARRY: Aww man!

HERMIONE: Don’t worry! We can steal the money from our movie counterparts!

RON: Of course! Rupert has loads of money! And he just wastes it on putting all of that electrical fencing around his house so that the crazed girl fans *Glares at any of you Female Rupert Lovers reading this story* can’t get into his house!

HERMIONE: Excellent! Let’s go!

DUMBLEDORE: Well, thank you all for coming to this wonderful performance. We would like to wish you a very Happy Christmas, the exits are to the left and right of the auditorium, and refreshments will be served in the lobby. Good night.

GINNY: Hey professor! Your beard’s on fire!

DUMBLEDORE: Huh? *Notices his beard is getting fried by one of the stage lights* SON OF A--

EVERY STUDENT: *Gawks in shock at Dumbledore*

DUMBLEDORE: I mean … whoops! Clumsy me! *Runs out*

THE END

Based on something I made up. Title borrowed from the song "White Christmas" by Irving Berlin. I did not create the Harry Potter characters or Lord of the Rings, and the French, German and Latin that I use in this story is not dirty.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I just wanted to thank everyone for reading and for the great reviews I got from this. It helped keep me writing up until I was wrung out of ideas. I didn't want to stop writing this, but I think the time has finally come. Twelve is a good number to stop at in this situation, don't you think?
And who knows? Maybe another Harry Potter play like this will surface. Only time will tell.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

HARRY: Ron, I think we’ve come to the end of the book! *Audience gasps*

RON: No! Say it ain’t so!

HARRY: It is!

RON: Darn!

HARRY: Looks like the author finally ran out of ideas…

RON: Oh well. What’s the story?

HARRY: It’s called...

WHITE CHRISTMAS

NARRATOR: Welcome to the final story! This one’s supposedly extra special since it’s last!

*ENTER: HARRY, RON and HERMIONE in the Gryffindor common room*

NARRATOR: There hadn’t been snow all year at Hogwarts, and now it was Christmas Eve. Ron was particularly upset about this, since he wasn’t going to get any of those snow cones he liked to make.

RON: I’m particularly upset about this!

HERMIONE: Oh?

RON: Yeah! Why hasn’t it snowed?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

HARRY: *Counts how many exclamation points and question marks RON used*

HERMIONE: You must be upset.

HARRY: I’ll say! 25 each! He must really like snow!

HERMIONE: *Stares*

RON: WE’VE GOTTA GET SNOW! *Bawl*

HERMIONE: We’ve gotta do something Harry! Christmas at Hogwarts just isn’t the same without snow!

HARRY: Well who says I WANT snow? Last time it snowed all of the school’s snowy owls disappeared for three weeks!

HERMIONE: Well that was because all of the harsh winds knocked them out and the snow made them blend in. And MOST of them recovered from the pneumonia…c’mon Harry! Snow is fun!

RON: *Continues to sob*

HARRY: Oh all right! We’ll go talk to Dumbledore about this!

*CUT TO: DUMBLEDORE’s office. HARRY, RON and HERMIONE are talking to DUMBLEDORE*

HARRY: Professor, do you know why there hasn’t been any snow?

DUMBLEDORE: Yep!

HERMIONE: Why?

DUMBLEDORE: Stupid girl, you of all people should know!

HERMIONE: Huh?

DUMBLEDORE: You know that little muggle myth about the “magical snow fairies that bring create each snowflake and make them fall?�

HERMIONE: I’m afraid I’m not familiar with that-

DUMBLEDORE: HA! SHOWS HOW MUCH YOU KNOW! They EXIST!

HERMIONE: …

HARRY: COOL!

RON: But why hasn’t the snow been falling?

DUMBLEDORE: Elementary, my dear Weasley; the snow must not be falling because-

HERMIONE: *Interrupts* Of course! Something awful must’ve happened to them!

DUMBLEDORE: SHUT UP! GOD! I can understand why Snape hates you so much! What I was GOING to say was that they must be on their vacation!

HERMIONE: I knew that.

RON: Hey! Why don’t WE turn on the snow!

HERMIONE: I don’t know. It could be dangerous…

HARRY: Oh please Hermione – you’ve been wrong twice today.

HERMIONE: Which means?

HARRY: Logically, it translates into the fact that you’re always wrong!

HERMIONE: BLOODY HELL! I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! *Storms out and goes off to join the cast of the next “Lord of the Rings� movie*

*CUT TO: HARRY and RON in the magical snow factory. It is indeed empty*

HARRY: How hard can this be? All we have to do is turn on the snow, and we’ll have a happy Christmas!

RON: Hey, why do we always say Happy Christmas when the Americans say Merry?

HARRY: I dunno!

RON: Sure is weird.

HARRY: Well, Americans are crazy.

RON: True.

HARRY: *Sees a big red button* Hey! I bet this’ll turn on the snow!

RON: It says “Press for Blizzard.� Do we want to Press for Blizzard?

HARRY: Yeah! We need tons of snow!

RON: *Presses for Blizzard* Okay! Let’s go home!

HARRY: I love doing community service!

*CUT TO: Hogwarts in a blizzard. HARRY and RON are in the common room, looking out the window excitedly*

HARRY: This is great! We’ll have plenty of snow for the holidays!

RON: Hey Harry! Wanna open the present I got you?

HARRY: Sure! *Opens it. It is a copy of William Hung’s Christmas CD*

RON: Well? Do you like it?

HARRY: *Screams silently*

RON: Well???

HARRY: WILLIAM HUNG? RON! YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE USING DARK MAGIC INSIDE THE CASTLE!

RON: Dark magic?

HARRY: Of course! Listening to even ONE of William Hung’s songs, you can go crazy! Millions of innocent muggles have fallen under his power!

RON: That’s horrible! But I spent lots of money on that CD!

HARRY: You were gypped. Oh well. I suppose I can always use this CD as a coaster. *Puts glass of eggnog on top of William Hung CD*

RON: *Opens HARRY’s present to him* It’s…a sack of potatoes.

HARRY: Do you like it?

RON: A sack of potatoes.

HARRY: Well???

RON: I DON’T NEED A BLOODY SACK OF BLOODY POTATOES! I HAVE ENOUGH BLOODY VEGETABLES GROWING ON MY BLOODY FARM AT MY BLOODY HOUSE! AND YOU BLOODY GO AND GET ME EVEN MORE INSTEAD OF GETTING ME SOME BLOODY SHEETS OR SOMETHING THAT I ACTUALLY BLOODY NEED! BLOODY!

HARRY: So you like it?

RON: I love it! Thanks pal!

HARRY: I wonder how the snow fall is coming along! *Looks out window* Uh…Ron? We have a problem!

RON: *Looks out window. The snow has gone past the common room windows* Uh oh.

*CUT TO: Outside. You can see that the snow has almost covered the WHOLE FLIPPIN’ CASTLE!!!*

RON: We are in trouble.

HARRY: Yep.

*CUT TO: DUMBLEDORE in his office, practicing his French*

DUMBLEDORE: Sens-je mal ? Je pense ainsi!

*ENTER: HARRY and RON*

DUMBLEDORE: Ah! Harry and Ron! Voulez manger un petit cochon!

RON: What?

DUMBLEDORE: Didn’t I say “Very nice to see you!�

HARRY: Uh, no. That’d be “très agréable de vous voir.�

DUMBLEDORE: Oh. So what can I do for ya?

RON: Well, uh, we seem to have buried Hogwarts in snow.

DUMBLEDORE: *Mutters under his breath* Vous idiots stupides! Vous ruinez cette école! Vous deux serez la mort de moi!

HARRY: Pardon?

DUMBLEDORE: I said, uh…that’s unfortunate!

RON: Yeah! Can you help us?

DUMBLEDORE: If I must. *Waves his wand, but all that happens is a boink sound* Oh dear! My wand is broked! Looks like you’ll have to get Hermione’s help!

HARRY: Of course! Hermione can fix this!

RON: Thanks professor!

DUMBLEDORE: Good luck! Mangez s'il vous plaît mon chapeau!

HARRY: …

RON: …

HARRY: I think you mean “Au revoir pour maintenant�.

DUMBLEDORE: Darn.

HARRY: *As he and RON leave* Der arme Professor! Er kann nicht eine verschiedene Sprache sprechen!

RON: Wir sind in vielen Sprachen, hauptsächlich weil J.K. Rowling hat uns in so vielen Ländern veröffentlichen lassen!

*CUT TO: HERMIONE on the set of the next LOTR movie. In run RON and HARRY*

HERMIONE: Harry? Ron? What are you guys doing here?

HARRY: Hermionehermionehermioneyougottahelpusrongotthebrightideatomakeitsnowalloverhogwartsandthenhecauseablizzardtostartandnowhogwartsisburiedinsnow!

RON: Heythatsnothowithappenedshutupharryharrywastheonewhopushedthebuttoninthefirstplaceitsallhisfault!

HERMIONE: … Oh all right. I’ll help you.

RON: Yay!

HARRY: Let’s go!

*CUT TO: HARRY, RON and HERMIONE on HARRY’s broom, hovering near Hogwarts. Only the tallest towers are visible now, and the snow is still falling. The trio is holding on to the broom tightly because of all the cold and wind*

HERMIONE: What did you guys DO!?!?

RON: We just pushed a button!

HARRY: Can you do anything Hermione?

HERMIONE: …yes. But it will be very dangerous.

HARRY: Okay. Do it.

HERMIONE: Aren’t you concerned about my safety???

HARRY: *Looks at RON*

RON: *Looks at HARRY*

HERMIONE: *Eye roll*

HARRY: Can you give us time to think about this?

HERMIONE: I’ll just do it!

HARRY: That’s the spirit!

NARRATOR: And so, risking her own life to save everyone else’s, Hermione bravely set her plan in motion.

HERMIONE: *Stands up on the broom and points her wand at herself* Adeo ardere arsi! *Jumps off the broom*

HARRY: WHAT THE HECK IS SHE DOING??

HERMIONE: *Is surrounded by a giant fire ball. As she falls, the fireball becomes bigger, causing the snow to melt*

RON: HERMIONE! NOOOOOOOO! I LOVE YOU!

HARRY: Where did THAT come from?

RON: Well, there hadn’t been any “Ron/Hermione Ships� in the other stories, so I though I’d throw one in for good measure.

HARRY: Ah. Continue.

RON: NOOOOOOOOOOOO! DON’T DO IT! TAKE ME INSTEAD! *Sob*

HERMIONE: *Acts quickly* Effugio! *Suddenly flies away, not getting melted with the rest of the extra snow*

THE SNOW: *Melts to a perfect snow level that won’t trap anyone*

RON: YAY!

HARRY: YAY ALSO!

HERMIONE: *Flies up to land on HARRY’s broom* So do you think I’m stupid NOW?

HARRY: Oh no! You’re just a bossy, know-it-all, frizzy haired girl.

HERMIONE: That’s better. Now let’s go celebrate!

RON: Woot!

NARRATOR: And so, Hermione saved the day, like she always does. Harry and Ron learned an important lesson – never push big red buttons. And it was the best Hogwarts Christmas ever.

THE END


HARRY: *Closes the book* Well, that was a good book. We’ll have to let Hermione read it sometime.

RON: Yeah. Hey! Look how late it is! We’re going to miss the feast! *Leaves along with HARRY*

NARRATOR: And thus, our Christmas stories come to their ends. Thank you for coming. Now go home and make your OWN Christmas memories.

Happy Holidays.

*Stage becomes dark. Curtain closes.*


FIN