Summary: The truth about the fifth Gryffindor boy is revealed (Remus ate him), a comforter not-so-spontaneously combusts twice, James smells funny, and Peter likes chicken. And Natalie Blackwood snogs Sirius in a broom closet (yay inbred purebloods).
Categories: Humor Fics Characters: None
Warnings: None
Challenges: Series: None
Chapters: 3
Completed: Yes
Word count: 7592
Read: 7612
Published: 07/31/05
Updated: 09/02/05
1. Part One by Crystallic Rain
2. Part Two by Crystallic Rain
3. Part Three by Crystallic Rain
Part One by Crystallic Rain
Note: This story was co-written by my sister, Ashley.
“Remus, that’s really obscene,” Sirius Black said, eyeing the chocolate frog dangling by one leg from Remus Lupin’s mouth.
Lily Evans and Natalie Blackwood slumped against each other in a fit of mad giggles.
“Do you realize how light Butterbeer is?” said James Potter, watching them. “That’s somewhat sad.”
Peter Pettigrew added, “Even I’m not that bad..”
Suddenly snapping out of her Butterbeer-induced haze, Lily sat bolt upright. “I know what we need!” she said, her eyes wide. Natalie fell over, still giggling. “S’mores!”
“Some more what?” Sirius asked.
“Seriously, Sirius,” Nat said in between snorts of laughter.
James simply shook his head. “Don’t get Padfoot punning. Honestly. Bad things will happen.”
“Very bad things,” Remus agreed, the frog still hanging from the corner of his mouth.
“Not ‘some more’,” Lily said. “S’mores!”
“Well, okay, but what are they?” Peter asked.
“S’mores are a Muggle camping delicacy,” said Lily in a very good impression of Remus. “They are consumed often by those who wish to ‘get away from it all’ while keeping processed and pre-packaged food handy.” She was met by blank stares. “Okay,” she explained in a long-suffering tone, “You take graham crackers, marshmallows, and chocolate””
“Chocolate makes everything better,” Remus said, finally eating the chocolate frog.
Looking at him evenly, Lily held up a struggling chocolate frog by its hind leg. “See the frog? Go get the frog,” she said, pretending to throw it though still keeping a firm grip on it.
“I would thank you to remember,” Remus said, feigning offense, “that there is a difference between werewolves and dogs.”
“Yeah, chocolate’s poisonous to dogs,” Natalie pointed out, and shot Sirius a look.
“Don’t be getting any ideas, Natalie,” James said. “I’ve already tried it. No such luck.”
“Hah,” said Sirius. “Although, another difference between wolves and dogs, is that dogs are domesticated. Though Miri’s certainly trying her hardest to”” He was cut off in a fierce attack from Remus with a pillow.
“Shut up, Sirius!” Remus said, holding the pillow tightly over Sirius’s head. Lily and Natalie shared a look and started giggling again.
“So, anyway,” said James, trying to wrestle the pillow out of Remus’s hands before Sirius died the way he always said he wanted to”in the bedroom, although not quite this way. “These ‘s’mores’ things?”
“Oh. Right,” Lily said. “You roast marshmallows””
“Like a chicken?” Sirius asked, trying to push the pillow away.
“I love chicken,” Peter said thoughtfully.
Lily said, “No, not like””
“Especially with gravy,” added Peter.
“NOT like chicken!” Lily said forcefully. Peter looked rather crestfallen; James patted him on the back. “Over a fire.”
“I like fire,” said Sirius, his eyes gaining a maniacal glint.
“Oh my gosh!” gasped Natalie once she stopped laughing enough to speak. “I like fire, too!”
Sirius looked at her and tilted his head. “I like you.”
“Two pyromaniacs meet,” Remus said, holding his wand like a microphone, “and the sparks fly.”
“I do believe that was a pun,” said James, looking at Remus.
Lily gave a fake gasp. “Ickle Remmykins just made a joke!”
“Hey, I’ve made jokes before,” he said, grabbing the forgotten chocolate frog from Lily’s grasp.
“Yes, but this one was actually funny,” Peter said.
“Maybe it’s just the butterbeer talking,” said Sirius.
“Or the chocolate,” said Nat, scooting closer to Sirius.
“I haven’t enough pillows to smother you all,” said Remus, somewhat sadly.
“As Head Girl, it is my solemn duty to assist any Hogwarts student who, erm, needs assistance. Therefore,” said Lily, putting her nose in the air, “I shall offer my assistance. To assist you in smothering people.”
James said in a loud whisper, “Don’t trust her. She has cooties.”
“Aww, James, I’m touched,” Lily said in a dangerously sweet voice as she came up behind him. She pushed him forward and sat on his back. “I win.”
“In light of the cooties, I think I’ll pass on the ‘assistance’,” Remus said.
“Just because I’m a girl and have” “she used air quotes around the word”“’cooties’, it doesn’t mean I can’t smother people,” Lily sniffed.
Glancing at James’s face with glasses knocked askew by Lily’s attack, Sirius said, “Look at James. He’s being smothered. Quite well, might I add.”
“He actually looks like he’s enjoying it,” said Peter, sticking his tongue out in disgust.
“One day, Peter,” said James solemnly as he adjusted his glasses, “you, too, will understand true love.” He then sat up and Lily slid to the ground with a thump and a slight squeak.
“I want to try that,” said Natalie, half-heartedly nudging Sirius.
“Don’t touch me there,” he whined, falling over with a thud,
“So, anyway. Chocolate?” inquired Remus brightly. “I distinctly remember chocolate being mentioned. And the consumption of chocolate.”
“You only think you heard chocolate, Remmy,” laughed Lily.
“Remmy?” he asked, utterly bewildered. James snickered.
“Oh, hush, Jamesy-poo,” Sirius said in a high-pitched voice. James stopped laughing.
“Honestly, haven’t you heard of pet names?” Lily asked. “There’s Remmy, and Jamesy, and Siri, and.. erm.. Petey.”
“Pet names?” grinned Sirius. “That’s like a pun.”
“They’re contagious,” gasped Peter, pretending to be stricken and falling over.
“Right, so, now Wormtail’s out of the way, tell us about the chocolate,” Remus said, taking out another chocolate frog.
“One-track mind,” James smirked.
“Okay, so, like I said, you take a marshmallow and roast it”but not like a chicken, over a fire”and then you put a piece of chocolate on top and stick it between two graham crackers,” Lily said, thankful she wasn’t interrupted this time. “The marshmallow’s warm so it makes the chocolate all melty and yum.”
“If it reduces Lily’s vocabulary to words like ‘melty’ and ‘yum’,” Natalie commented, “you know it’s got to be good.”
Lily gasped. “But we haven’t any graham crackers!” she cried in a melodramatic voice. “Or marshmallows...”
“You know what that leaves,” said Remus. “Choco””
“This means only one thing!” shouted Sirius, leaping to his feet.
“I’m scared to ask what,” said Lily.
“Good, so don’t,” James replied.
“To the kitchens!” Sirius cried, wishing there were a breeze in the dormitory so he could bare his teeth heroically into it. “Who’s with me?”
He was met with a rousing silence.
“Fine then,” he said. “I can tell you are all hoping against hope that I shall choose you to be my faithful and loyal sidekick for this dangerous mission.”
“Not really,” said Peter.
Ignoring him, Sirius looked around at the group thoughtfully. “I choose...” he said, running a hand through his hair, “...Natalie!” Before she could react, he grabbed her by the shoulder of her pyjamas and hauled her unceremoniously to her feet.
“Help?” she asked as she was dragged out the door.
“You know you want to go!” Sirius’s voice echoed from the corridor as Nat disappeared after him.
“I almost feel sorry for her,” said Lily with a smile.
“The key word there is ‘almost’,” added James.
“I do think he had a point, there,” said Remus thoughtfully. “She looked like she wanted to go.”
“Looks like you want more chocolate,” replied Peter.
“He always wants more chocolate,” James said.
“I suppose he doesn’t always want chocolate,” mused Lily. “When he’s a werewolf, he’s probably craving fresh meat.”
“Where did that come from?” asked Remus, shocked.
“Well, it’s probably true,” said James.
“Well,” retorted Remus, “it’s also true that you smell funny.”
“Quidditch practice,” Lily said, immediately defending James.
“He smelled even before he made the house team,” Peter recalled.
“Did not!” said James, indignantly. The resulting argument led to the pulverizing of two pillows, the shattering of a water glass, and the conflagration of a comforter. It also held their attention until Sirius and Natalie returned, quite a bit later than a trip to the kitchens should have taken, and looking rather disheveled.
“Did you find a nice broom closet?” inquired Remus evenly.
Sirius started to grin widely and opened his mouth to regale them all with the entire story, but Lily interrupted him. “No; stop right there. Too much information already,” she said, grabbing a hairbrush off the nightstand next to the bed on which she was seated, and throwing it at Natalie. “I don’t want to know about Sirius snogging my best friend.”
“That’s my favourite hairbrush,” Sirius said sadly, tossing a large bag of marshmallows at Lily’s head. Lily caught it but promptly fell on the floor.
“What’s with the floor tonight?” asked Peter.
“Chocolate,” affirmed Remus. Natalie dumped an armful of chocolate frogs in his lap, and he looked as though Christmas had come early.
“They didn’t have chocolate bars,” Nat explained as Remus giggled to himself, hugging the boxes of chocolate frogs. “They’re not all for you,” she added.
“But.. why not?” he asked, still clutching the chocolate frogs.
“Natalie, you’re upsetting him!” cried Sirius.
“And you don’t want to provoke him,” warned James.
“He craves fresh meat,” said Peter.
“What?” asked a befuddled Sirius.
“Apparently,” said Remus, not relinquishing his hold on the chocolate horde, “I ate the fifth Gryffindor boy.”
Natalie blinked. “Um. You can keep the chocolate.”
“I was wondering where he was,” commented Peter.
“Guys? He wasn’t being serious,” said Lily, breaking the graham crackers into squares.
“Of course he wasn’t. That’s my job,” said Sirius to a chorus of groans.
“Sirius?” James inquired pleasantly.
“Yes?”
“Shut up.”
“You can’t make me!”
“No,” replied Natalie, “but we can make Remus eat you.”
“You can?” Remus asked, puzzled.
“Especially if we cover him in chocolate,” Lily added.
“You know,” said Remus, “I really don’t like these conversations where I end up either confused, or disturbed, or both.”
“Really seem to be a trend tonight, don’t they?” asked James.
“That,” said Sirius, “and falling on the floor.”
“I want sugar,” declared Natalie. “No, I need sugar. Let’s make the s’mores. Now,” she added, spearing a marshmallow on her wand.
“Erm,” said Lily, “I don’t think you need sugar. But let’s make the s’mores. We do need a fire, though.”
“Let’s set Sirikins on fire!” proposed Peter.
“I do believe that’s the finest suggestion you’ve ever made,” said James, clapping Peter on the back.
“He does seem to be the most flammable of us,” Remus commented, opening yet another chocolate frog.
Lily looked at Remus from the corner of her eye. “Chocolate makes you violent. Before you know it, you’ll be wanting fresh meat.”
“He can eat Sirius. I can tell you from experience,” said Natalie to Remus, “that Sirius is quite tasty.”
Lily pressed her palms against her eyes. “I did not need to know that.”
“I did,” said Sirius. “I find it flattering. But fire! We need fire.” He, too, speared a marshmallow on his wand.
“This doesn’t bode well,” said Peter.
“Incendio!” Sirius cried, waving his wand in the air. Instead of toasting the marshmallow, however, a jet of flame shot out of the end of his wand. Luckily, the rest of the group had seen this coming, and had ducked. The previously charred comforter was once again set ablaze, and considerable chaos ensued before the fire was put out.
Lily, on the verge of a panic attack, shouted, “You almost burned Hogwarts down, Sirius!”
“Have some chocolate,” Remus said, offering a chocolate frog to Lily. “Chocolate makes everything better.”
“Lupin, you’re loopy,” said Natalie, still holding the water jug. “Loony loopy Lupin!” She fell over giggling.
“What?” asked Remus.
“Well, since Natalie appears to be laughing too hard for coherent explanation, I’ll have to try,” said Lily. “It’s funny because it’s like a play on words, because you have Lupin, and you have loopy, and loony originally came from having to do with the moon, and... oh, never mind.” Met with confused looks from everyone, including Natalie, Lily sat on the sodden and singed mattress.
“But you can’t burn Hogwarts down, anyway,” said Remus, eating the chocolate frog he had offered to Lily.
“How do you know that?” asked James.
“Because he tried it,” said Sirius.
“That’s arson, that is,” gasped Peter, pretending to be deathly afraid of Remus.
“No,” said Remus.
“No, I’m pretty sure that’s arson,” affirmed Natalie.
“I meant, no, I haven’t tried.”
“Yet,” said Lily. “We all know how violent chocolate makes you.”
“Don’t make me go all violent on you, Lily,” sighed Remus.
“Hey,” said James. “That’s my job.”
“I’ll go violent on all of you,” said Remus. “Just give me enough chocolate... but anyway, you can’t burn down Hogwarts. Haven’t any of you ever read Hogwarts: A History?”
“Ooh! I did!” said Lily.
“Really?” asked Remus incredulously.
“Only to get you to shut up,” said Sirius.
“No, I really did read it,” said Lily. “But,” she added, slightly chagrined, “I don’t remember any of it. Not even the author..”
“Well, anyway, Hogwarts is protected by.. erm.. spells and enchantments that.. well, anyway,” he said to his friends, who rapidly looked as though they were in the middle of one of Professor Binns’s lectures, “the point is, it can’t burn down.”
“That was educational,” said Peter.
“In a bad way,” said Natalie.
“But learning is fun!” said James in a mock-scandalized voice.
“You’re mocking me,” said Lily. “I can tell.”
“Only a bit,” said James.
“Don’t make me smother you again,” threatened Lily.
“But he enjoyed it,” said Peter, still bothered by that concept.
“I want chocolate,” said Remus. “Still.”
“Maybe we should move to the common room before we burn down Hogwarts,” said Sirius.
“I’ll smother you, too,” said Lily.
“Aww, look, Remus, you’ve got another friend to go on violent binges with you,” said James.
“And she doesn’t even need chocolate to go violent!” exclaimed Natalie. “I should know.”
“Common room!” said Lily, bounding out the door.
“How can she have so much energy so late at night?” yawned Peter as they trooped down to the common room.
“It’s two in the morning,” said Remus. “Not exactly night, is it?”
“And this is our last night at Hogwarts,” said Natalie. “We’re not going to sleep during it.”
Sirius whispered to James, “I bet you a galleon that Peter falls asleep before four.”
“I’m not betting on that!” James said. “I completely agree with you!”
Part Two by Crystallic Rain
The fire in the common room grate had been coaxed into a cheerful blaze without incident (mostly due to the fact that Sirius wasn’t allowed near it). True to form, Peter was in an armchair by the fire, snoring softly. The rest were roasting marshmallows (in a manner completely unlike that of roasting a chicken).
"Look what I can do!" said Sirius gleefully, holding his marshmallow in the hottest part of the fire, then pulling out a sugar-flamed miniature torch.
"You can light things on fire?" asked James, sandwiching a chocolate frog between his marshmallow and a graham cracker. "Congrats. Never knew you had it in you."
"Fine then," Sirius replied, somewhat put off that no one else found this as amusing as he did. "Look what else I can do!" Getting a new marshmallow, he tapped it with his wand and murmured an Engorgement Charm. The marshmallow was now roughly the size of his head.
"Um, Sirius?" said Lily as he skewered the massive marshmallow on a poker. "I don’t think that’s a very good idea..."
Remus seconded as Sirius thrust the marshmallow into the fire, "It’s probably going to”"
With a muffled whump, the Engorged marshmallow had erupted, showering everyone with bits of warm goo.
"Explode," he finished weakly.
"I meant to do that," said Sirius unconvincingly.
"Scourgify," Lily muttered, brandishing her wand at the flecks of sugar everywhere.
"You missed a spot," Natalie commented, pointing to a bit on Sirius’s nose.
"Oh, no, I didn’t," Lily replied sweetly. "I left that one for you."
"Lily," said Remus, picking another marshmallow to toast, "weren’t you the one complaining about them making out in a broom closet? And now you’re providing them an excuse to in front of us?"
"Must be the butterbeer," said James.
"Or the chocolate," said Sirius, grinning from Natalie’s efforts at removing the marshmallow (which shall not be described in great length here, as they don’t have words for that sort of thing). "No, wait; Remus ate all the chocolate."
"Did not!" Remus said indignantly.
"Then where did all those empty chocolate frog boxes come from?" James asked.
Everyone (even Natalie, who had concluded her endeavors) looked from the small mountain or rather large hill of boxes to Remus.
"I was hungry," he said, like a dejected toddler.
"Otherwise," commented Lily, "he would have probably tried to eat one of us."
"Craves fresh meat and whatnot," added Natalie. Remus pulled a face and lobbed an empty box at her head.
"And I was just thinking, ‘Gee, he hasn’t gone violent yet!’" James said, rolling his eyes.
"He went violent on me," protested Sirius. "You know, the entire trying-to- kill-me-with-a-large-pillow thing?"
"Well, yeah. But you deserved it. You know how touchy Remmykins gets about his girlfriend," Lily grinned, drawing the word out like a taunt.
"Shut up!" Remus said, blushing as he pelted Lily with several chocolate frog boxes.
"Aw, Moony," said James, "there’s no need to hide it. We’re your friends; we know you lurve her."
"Remus and Miri, sittin’ in a tree, k-i-s-s-..." chanted Sirius as Remus blushed furiously.
"I doubt they’d be sitting in a tree," said Lily thoughtfully. "I think she’s afraid of heights."
"Or at least trees," Natalie amended.
"The point is," Lily continued, "they’d be sitting on a stone wall, like that one time in Hogsmeade.."
"But”how did you”I thought”" Remus spluttered.
"Remus, my boy," said Sirius, clapping a hand on his shoulder, "when you want to snog someone and not be seen, I highly recommend not doing it in public."
"I’ll keep that in mind," Remus said flatly.
"It could have been worse," Natalie said comfortingly. "For instance, instead of spelling ‘kissing’, he could have spelled out”"
"So!" said Lily loudly. "Inconspicuous change of topic!"
"Aww, you’re trying to save Remus from more embarrassment," said James.
"No," Lily replied, "more like trying to save Nat from certain doom. Anyway, back to my change of topic. Where will we all be in ten years?"
"Where did that come from?" Remus inquired, his blush finally receding.
Lily shrugged. "Must be the butterbeer. So, Remus, where will you be in ten years?"
"I know where I’d like to be: normal," he said with a hint of irony in his voice. "I’d be a writer, if I could... But, anyway, I try not to think too much about the distant future," said Remus.
"Aww," said Lily. "Well, in ten years, that would be.." she did some quick mental math. "A hundred and twenty transformations."
"Actually, it would be more than that," added Natalie. "Some years have thirteen full moons."
"Thanks," Remus said flatly. "Because I was completely unaware of that."
"Oh, I’m sorry, Remus," said Lily, suddenly half-knocking him over with an abrupt hug.
"Um. Thanks?" he said when she released him.
"I can see you as a professor," said James, looking Remus over.
"You can take points from Slytherin for no good reason at all!" enthused Sirius.
"Well, technically, I can do that as a Prefect," said Remus.
"Yeah, but you don’t," said Natalie.
"Wait a second! So you’re saying that right now, you could say, ‘Five million points from Slytherin!’ and the hourglass would do it?" said Sirius, his eyes glinting.
"Um, I suppose, but Slytherin doesn’t have five million points," Remus replied.
"So?" countered Sirius. "You could still do it!"
"Moving on," Natalie said. "In ten years, Sirius, I see you in Azkaban."
"What?" said Sirius, looking aghast. "But I never get caught!"
Eating a s’more, Lily said, "One day, Sirius, you will. After setting off the world’s largest dungbomb at the Ministry of Magic."
"Don’t give him ideas," James said.
"Although I’d probably set off the world’s largest dungbomb in Snivellus’s front yard," mused Sirius.
"Natalie, where would you be?" asked Remus.
"I would, of course," said Natalie, "be beautiful."
"That’s not really a ‘where’," said James.
"Well," Natalie amended, "Wherever I’d be, I’d be beautiful."
"That’s my girl," said Sirius, sniffling fake tears.
"Get a room or something," said Lily.
"We already did," said Natalie. "But you didn’t want to hear about the broom closet."
"And I still don’t," Lily hastened to say.
"How about you, Lily? In ten years, what would you be doing?" James inquired.
"Maybe something with the Experimental Charms Committee," Lily said. "Or an Auror, or something with Magical Accidents and Catastrophes." She shrugged. "I don’t know.. James? What about you?"
"World’s best Chaser, I’d wager," Sirius grinned.
"Ah, yes," said Remus, opening another chocolate frog box. "And he’d be on chocolate frog cards, too."
"’James Potter,’" said Natalie, pretending to read off the back of a chocolate frog card, "’is most well-known for his complete inability to have a good hair day.’"
"Every day is a good hair day," replied James, tousling his hair. "But honestly," he said, "in ten years, I see myself married to Lily."
"Aww," Natalie giggled.
Feeling that the conversation had gotten too serious, Lily said lightly, "Funny, as I don’t see myself married to you."
"Huh?" said James, looking rather scandalized.
"Only joking," she grinned, patting him on the head. "Remus, we can take turns watching each other’s kids."
"All righ”Hey!" he said, going pink.
"Miri and Remus would have such cute kids," Natalie said.
"Werewolves can’t have kids," said Remus.
"Pups, then," said Sirius. "But imagine a two-foot-tall Remus running around."
"An ickle ickle Remmykins?" Lily said.
"He’ll teach himself how to read by age two, just so he can run around asking the other kids if they’ve read Hogwarts: A History yet, and then throw a temper tantrum when they haven’t," said James.
Remus rolled his eyes. "But yeah, werewolves can’t have children, because of the Ministry restrictions."
"How do you know this?" inquired Lily. "Did you just ask yourself, one day, ‘I wonder what the Ministry restrictions on werewolf procreation are?’"
"Actually," said Remus, "I decided to read the most boring book I could find. But someone had checked out Sirius’s autobiography, so I read up on the Ministry."
"Well, of course, there’s a two-week long waiting list for my autobiography," Sirius joked.
"And every single name on that list," replied James, "is Natalie A. Blackwood."
"Eh, it’s a fair cop," Natalie shrugged.
The five munched happily on their s’mores. "Should we wake Peter up?" Lily inquired.
"No way!" Sirius said. "I’d lose my bet!"
"I never agreed with it," said James. "And besides, the bet was just that he’d be asleep before four. It’s only three, and he’s been asleep for a while. So even if we were betting, you’d have already won."
"Well, I still say we shouldn’t wake him up," persisted Sirius. "He’d eat all the marshmallows."
"And my chocolate," said Remus.
"Nonsense. If anyone tried to get too close to your chocolate," James said, "you’d probably chew their arm off."
"After all," said Natalie, "you do crave fresh”"
"Can we drop the craving fresh meat thing?" Remus said, exasperated.
"Yeah, guys," said Sirius. "Show some respect for Moony."
"We do respect him," protested Lily.
"And you only respect him because he can take points away from Slytherin, Sirius," Natalie said.
"That’s besides the issue. And you know that’s cool," said Sirius. "Five million points from Slytherin!"
"Now I suddenly understand why Padfoot was never made prefect," Remus said.
"It took you that long to figure it out?" James said.
"You’re supposed to be the ‘intellectual’ one," Sirius said, using air quotes.
"Well, compared to you guys, being ‘the intellectual one’ doesn’t really say all that much," Lily commented.
"That’s mean," James said, fake sniffling. "Lily’s being mean."
"Why do you have to be so mean, Lily?" whined Nat.
"Stop being mean, Lily," Sirius said, his lip trembling.
Remus was about to speak, but Lily interrupted him. "Don’t you dare call me mean! I hugged you!"
"You only hugged me after you reminded me of my monthly misfortunes," Remus said melodramatically.
"Merlin’s beard...," Sirius sighed. "’Monthly misfortunes’? You sound like a girl, Remus."
Natalie said, "No wonder he likes chocolate so much."
"And I’m the mean one?" Lily said, holding back a laugh nonetheless.
"Fine," sniffed Remus. "I’ll just take my chocolate and go read a romance novel in the bath for some ‘me’ time."
"Told you he was a girl," James said.
Sirius wondered with a somewhat hopeful note in his voice, "Wait, would that make Miri a”"
"Silencio!" James said, waving his wand.
"No, it’s more of a jab," said Lily, and nearly poked Sirius in the nose as she did the charm. He opened and closed his mouth several times, and grabbed at his throat, looking surprised.
"So that’s how you do it," Natalie said. "I definitely need to remember that one.."
"Only joking," Sirius said, then confided to Lily, "I didn’t want you to feel bad."
"Lily messed up a Charm?" Remus gasped.
"Oh, shut it," Lily said. "It’s after three in the morning, after all."
"And the Butterbeer," Natalie said. "Don’t forget the Butterbeer."
"Or the sugar," Sirius contributed.
"She’s had a lot of chocolate, too," said Remus.
"But what if the Committee for Experimental Charms wants a late-night silencing Charm, and it’s Lily Potter on the case?" James asked, ignoring the other three.
"’Potter’?" Lily asked, quirking a brow.
"Whups," James said. "Slip of the tongue.."
"It does have a nice ring to it," Remus said ponderously.
"Want to know what else has a nice ring to it?" Lily countered. "Miranda Lupin."
Natalie, sensing another attempt at smothering looming over the horizon, said, "Anyway, silencing Charm in the wee hours of the morning?"
"I’d just make up a new one," Lily said in an overly patient voice. "Hence ‘experimental’."
"She’s got a point there, Prongs," Sirius said. He thought for a moment, then added, "Hey! That was a pun, wasn’t it!"
"I tried to smother him earlier, but, for some reason, you all stopped me," Remus said, rolling his eyes.
"You know," Sirius continued, "she also had a point when she said ‘Miranda Lupin’ had a nice ring to it."
"But.. but.. well, okay, it does, but still!" said Remus.
"Hm. ‘Natalie Black’," James said, grinning at the couple in question.
"It sounds like you’re forgetting half of her surname," Lily said.
"Whoa," Natalie said, her eyes wide. "I never noticed that." Suddenly, she snorted. "’October Pettigrew’," she said to Lily, who also snickered.
"Hold on a minute," said Sirius, shocked. "Who’s this October?"
"Wormtail with a girl? Are you sure October is even a name?" James inquired.
"Maybe it’s a guy.." Sirius said, slightly disturbed.
"No, October’s not a guy," Remus said. "She’s a Slytherin prefect."
"She’s a Metamorphagus," Lily added. "I’d describe her, but she changes her hair all the time, so it would be kind of pointless. The teachers often make her change it back to something somewhat normal, though.."
"For Quidditch, it’s often green and silver," Natalie said.
"Oh, I remember her," James said. "Psycho. Nearly distracted me enough with her ghastly hair to make me lose the last match."
"Not the team, or anything," Sirius said, rolling his eyes. "You."
"But of course," said James, innocently. "I’m the only one that matters."
"I thought you said he lost his ego," Nat said to Lily.
"This is James being humble," Remus said.
"Two in one night!" Lily said. "You’re on a roll with the humour."
"Must be the butterbeer," Natalie and Sirius said at the same time, then smiled at each other.
James sniffed, "I didn’t think it was very funny."
Lily patted him on the head. "That’s just because you don’t get it," she said, patronizing him.
"I think it was the chocolate that has suddenly awakened my rapier wit," Remus said.
"No, because then you’d have always been funny. This seems like a one- night thing," said James.
"I’ll have to eat more chocolate frogs, just so I’ll have more empty boxes to throw at you," Remus sighed.
"I’m sure you’d hate to be forced to eat more chocolate," Sirius said.
Lily checked her watch. "The sun’s going to rise soon," she said. "Want to catch our last sunrise at Hogwarts?"
"I suppose we should wake Wormtail up," James said.
"I’ll do it!" Sirius said.
"No fire, this time," Nat cautioned. "I’ll go grab some blankets to sit on.."
"Aw, take all the fun out of it," Sirius sighed, then proceeded to rapidly poke Peter, saying "Poke!" with each time.
Peter jumped up from the armchair with a start. "What the bloody hell?"
"You, ah, fell asleep," Lily said, as she was the only one not laughing too hard to speak.
"Oh.. okay," said Peter, blinking. "Sorry about that."
"Quite all right. You say interesting things in your sleep, you know, about a certain October Nott," James grinned.
"Ew, no," Peter said quickly. "She scares me!"
"Eh, that doesn’t say much," Sirius said.
"True," Peter agreed, nodding his head solemnly. "But the fact remains.."
"The fact remains," Remus added, gathering up the remainder of the chocolate frogs as Natalie returned with a comforter, "that I like chocolate."
Part Three by Crystallic Rain
Under a beech tree by the west side of the lake, the six spread out the comforter on the dewy grass. The morning was warm, but not stiflingly so, as they settled themselves.
"I really thought Mrs. Norris was going to catch us," Natalie laughed.
Lily sniffled. "That was the last time Mrs. Norris would almost catch us at four in the morning!"
"That has to be the creepiest cat in the world," Peter said, shivering. "Cats freak me out."
Sirius grinned. "I don’t like cats either, but I think in a different way, Wormtail."
"Hm. I like cats," Remus said. "Not as much as chocolate, though," he amended.
"I never knew you were a cat person," Natalie said.
"Ah, it’s only because of Miri and her cat," Lily teased.
"Ickle Remmykins and cats go good together," James pronounced.
"Well," Remus corrected automatically. "Go well together."
"Good; well. Bite me," James said.
"I’d really rather not, thanks," Remus replied. "I’ll leave the gnawing on you to Lily."
"But.. but.." Lily said, blushing. "I don’t ‘gnaw’, per se."
"Oh, come off it," Sirius grinned. "We saw you two on the Marauder’s Map snogging in the passageway behind the mirror on the third floor."
"How do you know we were snogging?" James said. "We didn’t make the map to show what people were doing in, erm, great detail."
Remus said, "Probably due to the fact that when you finally came back, James, you claimed you were taking care of some Herbology extra credit, helping Professor Sprout, and were attacked by devil’s snare around your neck.."
"Although, last time I saw the marks devil’s snare made, they didn’t look that much like hickeys," Peter said wryly.
"So," said Lily loudly. "Natalie, where did you get the blanket?"
"Sirius’s bed," Nat said, smiling innocently.
Sirius glared. "No respect," he said.
"Well, you’re not going to be using it again," said James.
Natalie sniffled, this time, continuing in Lily’s previous thread. "This is the last time we’ll ever be sitting under a beech tree by the side of the lake on Sirius’s comforter watching the sun rise over the forbidden forest!" The two females embraced.
"See?" Remus asked. "I’m not a girl. I don’t get weird like this."
"This is the last time Remus will ever call Lily and Nat weird!" Sirius cried, pretending to sob.
"No, I’m certain there will be plenty more opportunities to do that," James said.
"And who says you don’t get ‘weird’?" Lily asked. "What about when I asked to see that letter from Miri, and you ran up to your dorm room and locked the door?"
"I was young and confused," Remus said.
"That was a month ago," Natalie said flatly.
"I’m still confused, then," Remus countered.
"Well," Natalie said, "what about all those excuses you made before we knew you were a werewolf? Let’s see whose funerals you went to: your great- uncle Boreas, your aunt Ariadne, your cousin Shasta”"
"Which I still say isn’t a name," interrupted Sirius.
Lily continued. "Then there was your long-lost half-brother Romulus, your other cousin Ledo, your great-grandmother Filia”"
"Again," said Sirius, "those last two are not names."
"And then it really started getting weird," Nat said. "Like your great- second-cousin thrice removed, Tarquinius."
"Not a real relationship," said Sirius, "or a real name."
"When your grandmother Gaia died twice, and then you claimed that both your grandmothers had the same name," James said, "we thought it was a little fishy."
"I felt really bad for killing her off twice," Remus confided. "She always gave me chocolate."
"Probably so you wouldn’t eat her," Lily said.
"That didn’t work, anyway," said Sirius. "He washed the fifth Gryffindor boy down with dear old Granny Gaia."
Remus fell back on the comforter. "She was too stringy, anyway. I only ate her leg."
Peter scooted away from him.
"It was a joke," Natalie said.
"Besides," Remus said evenly. "That’s why I started eating chocolate. Because, you know, I crave fresh meat."
"When we say that," Sirius said, "it’s funny. But when you say it, it’s rather creepy."
"I hereby declare that joke officially dead," James said.
"I win," Remus smiled, eating another chocolate frog.
"No, you can’t say ‘I win’ unless you’re sitting on someone," Lily said.
Peter scooted further away.
"Fear not, Peter, I shall not sit upon you," Remus said.
"Maybe chocolate makes him philosophical," said Sirius.
"Or at least it makes him use big words," James replied.
"That would certainly explain it," said Natalie.
"You know, I’m right here," said Remus.
"Maybe he’s just naturally like that?" Peter inquired.
"No. People don’t naturally use the word ‘shall’, or make a difference between ‘well’ and ‘good’. It’s definitely the chocolate," affirmed James.
"I’m still here!" said Remus, sitting up.
"Behave, children," Lily said. "Look. The sun is rising. Watch it go."
The sky above the forest was painted with roseate and apricot streaks; the clouds and trees reflected in the smooth glass of the lake. Remus had hugged his knees to his chest, the early light lending his light brown hair a slightly russet tint. Peter sat cross-legged, his arms bracing him on the grass behind him, his pale hair almost matching the red-yellow hue of the clouds. Lily, her hair sparkling with golden highlights, rested her head on James’s shoulder as they clasped hands and the light glinted off his glasses. Sirius nonchalantly draped an arm around Natalie’s shoulders; she leaned back against him. They watched the sun, sitting in a friendly silence for a while.
Suddenly looking over at Lily and James from the corner of her eye, Natalie grinned, "You two are so cute."
"We try," said James lightly, kissing Lily on the forehead as she blushed softly and smiled.
"It will be very strange," Remus said, "not to have to deal with your constant public displays of affection."
"So, what do you say the chances are that Lily and James will have fifteen miniature Potters gallivanting about?" Sirius asked.
"I’d say," commented Lily soberly, "the chances are about one in I’m going to kick your arse."
"Those are pretty good chances, then," Peter said.
"Speaking of Hell having no fury like Lily Evans," said Remus, "remember that time in fourth year, Flitwick’s class, when James sat behind you?"
"That was one of the worst moments of my time at Hogwarts," Lily sighed.
"I think it was you who told him to go for it, wasn’t it, Padfoot?" Peter inquired. Lily glared at Sirius.
Sirius quickly said, "No, it was all Prongs. Prongs and his sick, sick imagination."
"It’s not my fault!" James protested.
"I still remember your face when you told Miri that James Potter sniffed you," Natalie said.
"Well, because that sounded more dramatic than saying ‘James was sitting behind me in Charms, and I heard a strange noise, and upon turning around, I discovered him holding my hair, sniffing it, and inquiring as to what brand of shampoo I used’," Lily said.
"It smelled good," James said. "And you still haven’t told me."
"James wants silky-smooth hair so healthy it shines," Remus said seriously.
"You sound like a shampoo commercial," Peter said.
James started sniffing Lily’s head, making exaggerated snuffling noises.
"Stop getting high off my head," Lily giggled, pushing him away with her finger on his nose.
"But it’s so fun!" said James.
"Let’s get high off Lily!" Nat shouted.
"No. Mine," said James immediately, clutching Lily’s head in a tight hug.
"Moony, it’s like you and chocolate," said Sirius.
"Except for one key difference: I don’t sniff chocolate," said Remus.
"Or snog it in the passageway behind the mirror on the third floor," Natalie said.
"I would certainly hope not," James said, finally releasing Lily’s head and patting her hair back into place. "It would ruin the mood."
"Because, you know," Lily commented flatly, "that passageway is so romantic."
"Drat. I wish I knew that girls really liked that passageway a little sooner," Remus said.
"Say, perhaps, last year?" asked Peter.
"Last year," said Sirius, "they had the stone wall."
"I still don’t understand how you guys saw us," Remus replied.
"Just because it’s raining doesn’t mean we’re all suddenly blind," Nat said.
"That’s why I use my Invisibility Cloak," James grinned.
"Shut it, James," Lily said, exasperated.
"So that’s why you’re always suddenly disappearing with Lily," Peter said. "Literally."
"Ah, yes," said Remus, "but they still show up on the Marauder’s Map."
"Why don’t you ever tease Sirius and me about making out?" Natalie questioned.
"Because Sirius is always making out with someone," James said. "We’d tease him more if he didn’t."
"It’s part of who he is," Peter said wisely.
"That was deep, Wormtail," Sirius said.
"How come you all have nicknames?" Natalie asked again. "I want a nickname. So does Lily."
"What?" Lily inquired. "No, I never”"
"Yes, you do," Nat interrupted.
"Well, for us, it was somewhat easy," Remus said. "Because of our ‘alternate personalities’," he said, using air quotes, "if you will."
"That makes us all sound like psychopathic murderers," said Peter.
"Fine, then," James said. "Lily, you are now ‘Schmooky’."
A confused look on her face, Lily said, "’Schmooky’?"
"Yes," Sirius affirmed, "’Schmooky’. It fits."
"And Natalie," James continued, "is henceforth known as”"
"’Fizgig’," interrupted Sirius.
"That actually works," Remus said.
"Why?" Natalie said, suddenly disturbed. "What’s a fizgig?"
"Well," said Remus, "it normally means a flirtatious girl."
"How come Nat gets a fun nickname, and my nickname sounds like some sort of underwater monkey?" Lily protested.
"I’ll trade you," Natalie offered.
"No, you can’t do that," Peter said. "It’s official now."
"Hold on," said Lily, furrowing her brows in concentration. "’Schmooky’ sounds familiar, somehow."
"I haven’t the foggiest idea of how you mean," James said.
"I’ve got it!" Lily cried. "You called me ‘Schmooky’ after you sniffed my hair three years ago!"
Remus stared at Lily. "How on earth did you remember that?"
"Says the guy who remembers every essay he’s ever written," countered Lily.
"Quiet, Schmooky," Remus said with a grin.
"This is payback for the Ickle Remmykins thing, isn’t it?" Nat asked shrewdly.
"I suppose you could say that," Remus said. "Plus it’s fun to say. Schmooky."
"Schmooky Schmooky Schmooky.." James said happily.
"Oh, God," Lily said, covering her eyes with her hand, then looked up with a smile. "Wait, what about Mrs. Miranda Lupin? What nickname does she get?"
"Schmooky?" Remus said.
"No, that’s officially Lily’s," Sirius said. "Hm. This one requires some thought."
"Fizgig?" Peter asked.
"No," said Natalie. "I am the Fizgig."
"I know!" Remus said suddenly, as the others looked at him expectantly. "Miri."
"Talk about anti-climactic," Lily said, rolling her eyes.
"That’s like cheating," Natalie said.
"Fine then, you think of a nickname for her," Remus challenged.
"Um." Natalie thought for a moment. "I shouldn’t be doing this. She’s your wife."
"I can’t imagine her," James said, "with a nickname."
"I prefer to say that she defies being captured by mere words," Remus said with a smile.
"Aw," Sirius said. "That’s really sickening. You two manage to be cute, even when there’s only one of you here."
"What do you expect? He’s learned from the Master of Cuteness," James commented.
"You’re right," Peter said. "I’m so cute, it just goes everywhere."
"That just sounds wrong," Natalie said.
"Anyway," James said, "I was talking about myself." Lily snorted, and James looked mildly offended. "What?" Everyone else laughed.
"Uh, I hate to be the one to break it to you, James," Sirius choked out between laughs. "But you fit more the ‘Master of Being an Egotistical Prat Who Has His Decent Moments’ than the ‘Master of Cute’."
"Hmph." James crossed his arms. "Look who’s talking, Mr. ‘That’s My Favourite Hairbrush’."
"I’d thank you to know that it is quite difficult to find the right sort of brush to maintain my luscious locks," Sirius said.
By this time, the sun was brushing the top branches of the trees in the Forbidden Forest. The giant squid lazily poked a few tentacles out of the lake, seemingly testing the air, then submerging again. Their laughter had also quieted down, and the calls of birds from the forest and the gentle lapping of the lake were the only sounds carried on the morning breeze.
"So," Lily said softly. "This is the end of our last night at Hogwarts."
"Seven years," Natalie sighed.
James cleared his throat. "It’s been good, though."
Natalie started sniffling, and Sirius put his arm around her waist. "It has been good," he said. Nat shot him a dark look, and he quickly added, "I didn’t mean it like that!"
"We definitely can’t lose touch," Remus said. "We’ll get together a lot; talk, stop Sirius from setting things on fire, call Lily and Natalie weird..." At that, Lily and Natalie completely lost their composure and started sobbing. Remus looked horrified. "I’m sorry?"
"We’re just”going to miss”this place”and you guys”so”so much!" Lily said between sobs.
"I think we all are," Peter said quietly.
"Sirius?" James asked, peering at his friend. "Are you.. crying?"
"It’s my allergies," Sirius said in a waterlogged voice, rubbing his eyes ferociously. "Shut up."
"Ah. This proves, conclusively, that Sirius is the girl. Not me," Remus said lightly.
"Oh, wait!" Sirius said, appearing to cheer up slightly. "That would make Fizgig a”"
"No, I’m not!" Natalie said quickly.
"Not Fizgig?" Peter asked. "But you are." Natalie sighed exaggeratedly. "I don’t get it," Peter said.
James patted Peter on the head. "I’ll explain when you’re older."
"And anyway, it’s not like there won’t be anything left. We’ll always," Remus said, "have s’mores."
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.