Summary: Lily Evans: sweet, quiet, kind, and gentle.. at least, until Sirius tries to hit on her in an attempt to get her to help him with his homework. Much chaos ensues.
Categories: Humor Fics Characters: None
Warnings: None
Challenges: Series: None
Chapters: 1
Completed: Yes
Word count: 1261
Read: 2334
Published: 09/27/05
Updated: 09/27/05
1. Lily Lays the Smackdown by Crystallic Rain
Lily Lays the Smackdown by Crystallic Rain
Note: Written with my sister.
“Merlin’s beard! What happened to you?” James yelped as Sirius climbed through the portrait hole.
As he limped over to where the other three were sitting, he muttered darkly, “Evans.”
“Evans?” Remus said flatly. “Lily Evans?”
Peter snickered; Sirius glared at him. “Yes, Lily Evans. She’s crazy.”
“Only if you provoke her,” James said reasonably.
Sirius said defensively, “I didn’t provoke her!”
“What did you do?” Remus asked, shaking his head.
Sirius took a deep breath. “Well…”
***
Lily stormed out of the library, nearly bowling over Miranda and Natalie.
Nat held her by the shoulder. “Easy there, girl!”
Lily seemed too incensed to speak.
“Deep calming breaths,” Miri said bracingly.
Lily closed her eyes and forced herself to breathe. When she no longer looked as though she could strangle an Acromantula barehanded, Natalie asked her, “Now, what happened?”
“Black,” Lily said through clenched teeth.
“Sirius Black?” Natalie inquired. “He’s cute,” she added thoughtfully.
Lily shook her head angrily. “He’s a pig!”
“Is there any reason why?” Miri asked.
Lily took a deep breath. “Well…”
***
Earlier that day…
Sirius walked into the library with the air of one walking on eggshells. Those who knew him and noticed his entrance were quite shocked. Lily briefly looked up from her studying as Sirius passed by her table. “I’ve never seen you here before, Black,” she said flatly.
“Remus won’t let me copy off his homework anymore,” Sirius sighed sadly. “I’ve been driven here out of sheer desperation.” A look of sudden realization flashed across his face before he grinned broadly at Lily. “Hey, Evans…”
She didn’t bother looking up from her book again. “What?”
“Have I mentioned how exceptionally lovely you are today?” he asked sweetly, sitting across from her and smoothly pushing her book aside.
With her excuse for not looking at him unavailable, Lily glared at Sirius. “What do you want?”
He clutched his heart in mock distress. “Lily!” he whispered, scandalized. “I am deeply offended by your insinuation.”
Lily rolled her eyes, giving him sudden inspiration.
“I don’t believe I’ve ever told you that, out of all the girls at Hogwarts, you have, by far, the most exquisite pair of “ “
Lily stood up, her eyes flashing and her lips pressed into a thin line. She slapped him squarely across the face. Sirius blinked, taken aback, his mouth slightly agape.
“Eyes!” he cried, shielding his face. “I was going to say eyes!”
“Liar!” she breathed. “I know how your mind works, Sirius Black!”
“You know,” Sirius said defensively, “I don’t think along the same lines as James!”
“At least James “ “ Lily cut herself off, about to say something nice about the person she hated most in the world. Sirius raised his eyebrows, his fear momentarily dispersed by his surprise. Lily walked around the table, taking quick, angry steps toward Sirius.
“Sirius Black, I’m going to kill you!” Lily hissed, her reverence for library rules enough to keep her voice low, but not enough to override her murderous compulsion.
Sirius scooted his chair back against the wall. “What?” he yelped. “You said it, not me! Oh God, not the face!”
Lily was like a woman possessed.
“Ow! No, no, not the hair!”
She was about as shocked as Sirius about her nearly complimenting James; she managed to cover it up quite well, however, with rage.
“Merlin’s beard”not there, either!”
This went on for quite some time.
“Evans, don’t make me” oh, please, mercy!”
Those students that were near the table when the fight began had quickly moved away.
“Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful!”
Madam Pince had even stopped by to shelve a book, had stood there taken aback for a few moments at stumbling upon the scene, and then had moved away, loathe to interrupt Lily’s wrath.
“That’s”not”why”,” Lily said between punches, “I”hate”you!”
Eventually, however, Lily’s blows started flagging, and Sirius managed to escape. “I’m not through with you yet, Black!” Lily called after him, brandishing her fist toward his retreating back.
***Natalie’s eyes were wide by the time Lily finished her story. “Lily,” she said, her voice filled with awe, “you just laid the smackdown on Sirius.”
“I suppose I did, didn’t I?” Lily said, allowing herself a small smile.
Miri clapped her on the back. “You make me proud.”
“Indeed!” said Nat with false pomp. “I hereby declare that I shall no longer deny knowing you in front of hot guys.”
“Gee, thanks,” Lily replied, rolling her eyes.
“No, really!” Natalie continued. “I’ll even say you’re my friend!”
“That is pretty good,” Miri commented. “It took her to admit she knew
me after I got detention for”“
Nat giggled. “I remember that! I still can’t believe you actually”“
“That wasn’t even two months ago,” Lily said.
“February the twenty-third,” Nat said. “That date shall live on in our
hearts forever.”
“You know, Nat,” Lily said, “I’m actually surprised you weren’t more upset that I, um, beat up Sirius.”
“Oh, yeah,” Natalie replied, waving her hand. “As long as you didn’t damage anything important.”
Lily pressed her palms against her eyes. “I almost wish I had, now.”
Miri giggled. “Lunatic Lils,” she said. “Has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?”
“I’m going to kill you,” Lily laughed.
“Only joking!” Miri said in mock fear. “Head for the hills! Lily’s unhinged!”
“She’s berserk! Demented, even!” Nat cried.
“Yeah,” Lily said flatly. “You know me. So crazy.” The three laughed
as they headed outside.
***
“Wow,” James said, surprised. “So, she really almost complimented me?”
“That’s not the point of the story, Prongs,” Sirius said grimly.
“Yes,” Remus said, trying not to smile, “the point of the story is that
you got your butt kicked by Evans.”
“Sirius was beat up by a girl!” Peter giggled, and nearly fell out of his chair with laughter. Sirius helped him by giving Peter’s chair a swift kick.
“So, she really almost complimented me?” James said again.
“Quick, aren’t you,” Sirius muttered.
“Now, now, Padfoot,” Remus said. “Just because your masculinity is being threatened isn’t an excuse for you to take it out on us.”
“Yeah,” Peter said, righting his chair. “She would have beaten any of us up.”
“Except me!” James said with a grin. “After all, she”“
“Almost complimented you; yes, yes, we know,” Remus sighed. “Sirius, are you sure you don’t want to go see Madam Pomfrey?”
“Yes,” Sirius replied, rankled. “It’s nothing.” He pulled a chair from the table and sat down gingerly, then leapt up again with a whimper of pain. The other three raised their eyebrows at him. “Really!” he said. “It’s nothing, nothing at all! I just.. need pillows. Lots of them.”
Remus looked down and covered his face with his hand. James tossed a large pillow from the couch where he was lounging, and Sirius caught it with a minimal flinch of pain.
Peter shook his head again. “I guess you really do have a way with the ladies, Sirius,” he snickered.
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