Disclaimer: All characters and settings are the property of JK Rowling.

Internal Exile

Chapter 1: Out of My Mind

Why Hermione?

Ron was lying on his bed in the musty Grimmauld Place room that he shared with Harry. He was staring at the ceiling thinking the same thoughts that he had been torturing himself with for three days now.

She is gone.

He couldn’t change what had happened. He couldn’t save her. No matter how much he thought about what had happened, no matter how much he relived the last time he saw her, it changed nothing. His mind, as it inevitably and repeatedly did, went back to the Order meeting last week.

---

All of the members had met to discuss the covert ops that would help Harry get Horcrux that they knew was in the possession of a specific Death Eater. They knew where it was and were now discussing plans to get it. The meeting climaxed with the members of the Order receiving a very loud and rather long telling off from Hermione. The details didn’t matter any more, but the point was that she could help, as could Ron and Ginny, and their talents should be utilized. Especially if it could mean the difference between success and failure on this mission. Her case did not fall on deaf ears. The planning was eventually finished and they were all given the parts they would play in the raid.

---

Why did I agree with her? I can’t even remember now why I thought it was a good idea. She should never have been involved!

Tears filled his eyes as he remembered for the millionth time the night before the mission. The last night he had seen her.

---

He was in the kitchen with Fred and George. They had been busy preparing and were very nervous about what was coming the next day. The three of them were trying to relax, playing each other at wizard’s chess. Ron remembered hoping he could get close to Hermione before the night was over. He cared for her a great deal and after last school year, he was pretty sure she felt the same way. Even though their bouts of awkwardness were common and they had never really talked about their feelings, he still felt a certain calmness and reassurance in her presence. He looked up from the game that the twins were playing to see Hermione leading Harry by the hand into the sitting room. The door wasn’t closed all of the way and Ron could see in. He couldn’t hear anything, but he noticed that Hermione had tears in her eyes. After a moment she grabbed his hands and started speaking very earnestly. She dropped Harry’s hands and hugged him very tightly as tears rolled down her cheeks. Just before she walked from the sitting room she leaned in and placed a very tender kiss on Harry’s cheek. Ron remembered the anger and frustration and jealousy that welled up inside him. He turned back to watch the game as Hermione exited the room. He saw nothing of course. The kitchen, the twins, the game board were not even there as far as he knew; he was so focused on the hurt that flooded him. He felt someone behind him and he knew it was Hermione. As she touched his shoulder the pain inside worsened and his body stiffened. The last words she said to him haunted his thoughts day and night.
“Ron, can I talk to you for a minute . . . . uh in private?

---

Why didn’t I say yes? Why was I so selfish? Why wasn’t I more kind? Even if she didn’t care for me the way I care for her, I still cared, why did I have to act like such an idiot?

He reran his response again and again as if it was his eternal punishment. He hadn’t even turned to look at her. His response reverberated so loudly in his ears that it brought more tears to his eyes.

---

“Go tell whatever it is to Harry. You would probably prefer that anyway.”
There was a moment of silence in which her hand left his shoulder.
“Go, can’t you see I’m busy?”
He heard a very deep, very sad sigh, then footsteps retreating up the stairs.
He wasn’t the only one who slept poorly that night, but he was the only one whose sleep was not interrupted with thoughts of the next day’s mission. His thoughts were focused on the feelings of betrayal and hurt that he could not control.

---

I am so ashamed of myself. It doesn’t even matter that she doesn’t care for me; I would still give anything in the world to have her safe and sound again.

Here in the present in his room, completely dejected, he fell into a restless sleep, relentlessly tossing and turning twisting his bed clothes all around him. Even in his dreams, he couldn’t escape the memories that haunted him.

---

He felt himself running as fast as he could to the prearranged meeting place after the mission. He could hear many people whispering. In his agitated sleep, he remembered snatches of the conversations that had happened around him.
“I have it.”
“Is anyone following us?”
“Are we all here?”
“Where’s Hermione?”
“We got split up.”
“We need to go.”
“We can’t wait anymore, they’re coming.”
This is always where the unconnected wisps of memory in a dream became clearer and Ron burned with fear. If they wanted to leave fine, but he was going back. He would find her. As he began to go after her, he was grabbed and pulled back into the group. He turned to see Harry holding him.
“Get off!” he yelled.
“No,” whispered Harry. “If anyone’s going back for her, it’s me not you, understand?”
How could he say that! The fury and fear inside Ron was at the breaking point. His blow landed on Harry’s nose causing it to bleed. Again, he turned to run and this time Lupin grabbed him and the next thing he knew he was back at Grimmauld Place. He was safe. And she wasn’t.

---

Ron woke from these haunting memories covered in sweat and gasping for air. He had tears running down his face and the pain felt as if it threatened to cut off his breath. As his body started to calm, the pain became less sharp and left a hollow dull ache that was just as unbearable. This is how he had spent the three days since the incident, reliving the painful memories that brought him here. He hardly ate anything and didn’t even bother to leave the room. He didn’t speak to anyone and when the people around him tried to talk to him, he barely even heard them.

A/N: Thanks to my BETA mugglemomjackson for her hard work.

Disclaimer: All characters and settings are the property of JK Rowling.

Afterimage

Harry walked up the stairs toward Ron’s room. He did not know what would
happen if he went in, but he had told Mrs. Weasley that he would at least try. He knocked on the door. He heard nothing from inside, so he turned the knob and entered. Ron was still lying on the bed, staring at the ceiling. He showed no signs that he even knew Harry was there. Harry sat down on the bed opposite him.

“Ron, I promised your mum that I would try to convince you to come down for dinner.” Ron said nothing. The silence made Harry uncomfortable, so he tried again. “Come on. Ron. You can’t stay like this forever,” Harry sighed. “You know I miss her, too,” he said quietly. There was more silence, but this time it was broken by Ron.

“You didn’t let me go back for her!” He yelled at Harry, without looking at him.

“Ron, you don’t understand. I couldn’t.” Harry tried to keep his voice calm.

“Oh, I understand!” Ron continued to yell. “You love her, she loves you. I saw you two together in the sitting room the night before she disappeared. You can’t hide it from me!” Ron was on his feet now, still yelling. “You couldn’t stand the thought of someone else acting the hero, especially for her!” Ron stopped yelling abruptly and sank back onto his bed with his head in his hands. Harry was staring at Ron, his eyes wide. He looked hurt, but there was also a trace of compassion on his face.

“Ron, I don’t know what you saw, but it wasn’t what you think.” Ron opened his mouth to say something, but Harry continued without giving him a chance. “Listen, I stopped you because I had no choice. I promised Hermione.” Ron looked confused but still Harry continued. “That night, she came to me and told me she wanted to talk in the sitting room. I thought it could wait, but she took my hand and insisted so earnestly that I didn’t have any choice but to follow her.” Harry’s eyes were glistening with tears. He stood and walked around so that Ron wouldn’t notice. “When we were inside the sitting room, she turned to face me and took a deep breath. She took both of my hands and told me she had an important favor to ask. I told her that I was her friend and I cared about her so I would do anything for her. She looked up at me and through tears asked me to promise that I would not let you be harmed in anyway during the mission. It was more important to her than anything else that you were safe. If anything happened to her, she needed me to promise her not to let you do anything that would endanger your life. No matter what happened, she needed you to make it back.” Harry chanced a look at Ron who looked like someone had just stuck a knife in his chest. “I promised her, I guess deep down I assumed that nothing could happen to her. I mean she’s Hermione, right? She’s the most intelligent person I’ve ever met.” Harry eyes started glistening again and he turned away. Ron didn’t seem inclined to say anything, so Harry continued. “Tears ran down her face as she thanked me and gave me a hug. She told me how much she cared about me and that she wanted me to be careful during the mission. Before she left, she told me that she was finally going to tell you how she felt about you, awkwardness be damned. I told her that it was about time you two stopped skirting the issue. She thanked me again and then . . .” Harry’s voice broke and tears rolled down his cheeks. He paused a moment to compose himself and finished his sentence. “And then she leaned in and kissed my cheek.” He sat back down on the bed and looked at Ron. Harry saw that his face was covered in silent tears. Ron had felt agonizing guilt about what he had said to her before, but now it was so much worse. The tears came and he didn’t even try to stop them. After several minutes, Ron started to calm. Harry felt that he was intruding and got up to leave.

“Harry, please stay.” Harry nodded slightly at Ron and sat back on the bed again. “I was so mean to her that night. I treated her so terribly. How can I live through this? It hurts so much I can’t breathe.”

“Ron, you can’t beat yourself up for one selfish moment. You loved her for so long. You can’t just throw all of it away because of one moment.” Ron looked at Harry.

“That’s just it. I had her for so long and I filled that time with arguments and clumsiness. I assumed there would always be another time that I could tell her. I wasted every opportunity and I didn’t treat her the way she deserved to be treated.” Ron lay back on the bed with tears on his red face. They heard Mrs. Weasley’s voice calling them from the kitchen below. Harry got up and moved to the door.

“I’ll tell your mum you’re not coming. Do you want me to bring you anything?” offered Harry.

“No.”

So, with this, Harry headed downstairs to dinner.

---

Downstairs in the kitchen, Harry saw that Mr. and Mrs. Weasley, Ginny, and the twins were already at the table which was full of food. There was an air of mourning as there had been every moment since Hermione disappeared.

“Ron’s not up to leaving his room,” Harry said as he took his seat. Mrs. Weasley looked perplexed.

“I don’t understand. We all loved Hermione, maybe not as much as you and Ron, but he hasn’t eaten, slept properly, or spoken to anyone since. . . What is it?” Fred looked at his mother incredulously.

“Mum, how dense can you be?”

“He was in love with her,” added George.

“And she with him,” Fred added further.

“What?” Mrs. Weasley looked shocked. “Ron and Hermione! I always thought it would be Harry and Hermione that would become a couple. But those two, they are . . . well . . . very different people.” She thought for a minute as if trying to picture them together and asked, “How long were they together?” The twins, Ginny, and Harry looked at each other not sure how to respond. Finally, Ginny spoke up.

“Well, Mum they were never really going out.” Mrs. Weasley looked as if she didn’t understand. “What I mean is they were never really a couple.” Mrs. Weasley still looked confused, so Ginny tried harder to explain. “Everyone knew they cared about each other, even they knew, but they never really did anything about it. I don’t think they ever even talked about it together.” Mrs. Weasley looked as if she was pondering these things. Her face saddened.

“How sad, what a load of wasted time,” was all she said.

“I agree,” Ginny whispered and she couldn’t stop herself from looking up to meet Harry’s eyes. Everyone started to eat and the discussion ended there.

Ron mother’s voice carried very well through the house. When he heard Hermione’s name mentioned, he walked to the door listening. At this last comment from Mrs. Weasley, the pain and the tears swelled again and he returned to his bleak vigil.


A/N: Thanks to my BETA mugglemomjackson for her hard work.

Reprieve
Ron is still in there. He is still blaming himself. It’s been a week and he’s still paralyzed with grief and guilt. I don’t blame him for acting this way. I feel guilty about what happened. I miss her so much it hurts, but I’m sure that my pain can’t even compare. I can’t criticize his behavior. How would I act if this had happened to Ginny? Would I behave any differently?

All of these thoughts went through Harry’s mind as they did every time he approached Ron’s door for any reason. He knocked on the door and, as usual, heard nothing from inside. He turned the knob, went in, and saw that Ron was standing at the window.

“It’s dinner.” There was the usual silence. “You know you really should come down. Ron, think about your mum. She’s really worried.” Ron walked over and lay once again on the bed before he spoke.

“I know, I am not trying to hurt anyone... I just can’t.” He rolled over to face the wall. Harry had meant to argue, but some kind of commotion downstairs caught his attention.

“Fine,” Harry conceded and left the room to see what was happening. Harry had almost made it to the bottom of the stairs when he realized what the commotion was about. Walking through the kitchen surrounded by Lupin and the Weasleys and being pelted with questions from all sides was Hermione! Harry was paralyzed staring at her. She looked exhausted and rough. Her robes were dirty and ripped and her face look tired and full of concern as she talked. Harry could barely hear her over the din of the other voices. She was asking if everyone else made it back okay. As she repeated this question, she became more and more agitated and Harry knew that she was really asking if someone specific made it back okay. Control of Harry’s body returned to him and he raced back upstairs calling Ron’s name. Ron heard him calling and yanked open the door.

“Listen, I said no dinner. Mum will just have to understand!” he yelled at Harry.

As Harry reached the landing, he blurted out, “Ron, it’s Hermione!” Harry didn’t even finish her name before Ron was past him and flying down the stairs. Just as he arrived at the bottom, he heard Hermione’s voice.

“Everybody stop!” she yelled. “What about Ron? Did he make it back?” She looked questioningly around and her eyes stopped at the bottom of the stairs where Ron was standing. The second that he caught her eye he ran to her and hugged her as tight as he could. He wanted to say that he was so desperately sorry; he wanted to thank her for trying to keep him safe; he wanted to tell her that he loved her. All of these thoughts swirled around in his head during their brief hug all fighting for dominance, fighting for a voice. Still holding her, he looked into her face and none of them won. He merely leaned forward and gently kissed her. She returned the kiss and it became more intense.

During this scene, Harry was on the stairs watching it happen. He couldn’t keep his eyes from Ginny who had tears rolling down her cheeks, a mixture of happiness, relief, and even pain on her face. She noticed that Harry was looking at her and she turned away to wipe the tears from her cheeks and compose herself.

When Ron and Hermione broke apart, they remembered there were other people were in the room. As Ron pulled his hand away from her waist, he realized that there was blood on it.

“Hermione, you’re bleeding!

“They really didn’t want me to leave,” Hermione said with a touch of humor in her voice. “It really isn’t as bad as it looks.” Ron’s face contorted with worry.

“Mum, Hermione’s bleeding! You have to do something!” Mrs. Weasley and Ginny supported Hermione as they took her to get cleaned up and bandaged. Ron was waiting impatiently at the kitchen table for news about Hermione. Finally some time later, Mrs. Weasley walked into the kitchen and took a seat next to her youngest son.

“Is she okay? Can I see her? Where is she?”

“Wait a minute!” said Mrs. Weasley. “I can only answer one question at a time. She will be fine, but she is very weak. She is exhausted and the best thing she can do to heal is to get some rest. She is on the sofa in the sitting room but-” Ron stood to go, but his mother pulled him down again. “But, I gave her something to help her sleep. You can do nothing for her tonight. So, I suggest that you stay here and eat dinner with us or you go to bed early and get some good sleep, the kind you haven’t had in a week.” She reached up to brush hair out of her son’s eyes. She put her hands on his shoulders and looked directly at him, her voice became softer. “Ron, she is safe. There really is nothing you can do for her now.”

Ron suddenly felt so overwhelmingly exhausted. With all the tension and stress of the past week ebbing from his body, he found that he could barely keep his head up.

“You’re right mum, I’m gonna head to bed. Thanks.” He gave his mom a hug, went upstairs, and fell onto his bed ready for sleep in a way he had not been in what seemed like forever.

Ron woke from his dreamless sleep in the middle of the night and the pain and guilt that had plagued him rolled over him like a thick fog. Suddenly his eyes opened wide as he remembered the events of the night before.

She was here! She was safe! He had kissed her!

Partly to prove that it wasn’t a dream and partly because he just ached to see her face, he put on his robe and headed downstairs. He opened the door to the sitting room and saw that there was no Hermione. There was bedding and some of her things, but she was gone. Ron went into the kitchen and noticed that the back door was open. He looked out and saw Hermione sitting on one of the steps that lead down to the garden. She was staring up at the sky.

“Should you be out here? It’s chilly,” Ron asked. Hermione looked up at him and smiled. She patted the place on the step next to her and Ron sat down.

“I woke up and I desperately wanted to see the stars and enjoy the night.” As Ron sat down, that old awkwardness crept in and he didn’t know what to say.

“Are you feeling better?” he asked rather lamely.

“Yes I am, and I can’t begin to say how happy I am to be back here with...” Her face went red and she looked away.

“I’m glad you’re okay. I missed...I mean, I...” Ron trailed off. Then suddenly, it hit him. This is the way it always ended up between them. Did he want that again? “NO!” he said louder than he had intended and it caused Hermione to look at him in bewilderment.

“What?” she asked

“No!” Ron repeated more calmly, “no more, Hermione. We always let ourselves get awkward and nervous and nothing ever gets said, nothing ever changes. There are things that need to be said, Hermione. I thought about this over and over while you were gone, what I would do if I had another chance. Well, I have one and I want to make some things clear. First, I am so unbelievably sorry for treating you like that the night before our mission. I am sorry for letting so much time go by and not telling you how I feel. So, now things are going to be different. I am going to hold your hand and I am not going to be nervous about it. I am planning to sit close to you as often as possible. I plan to hold you and kiss you and I plan to tell you often that. . .” Ron trailed off, seemingly gathering strength. He looked straight into her eyes “…tell you that I love you.”

“Ron,” whispered Hermione. He put his arms around her and as she leaned against him, he noticed how tired and weak she was. “I love you, too. You were all I thought about the entire time I was gone. I can’t believe we were so stupid and never let ourselves say it before.” She kissed him and pulled him into tight embrace.

“Let’s get you back to bed. You need your rest.” Ron helped her stand and she leaned on him as he led her back to the sitting room. He helped her into bed and kissed her. Ron grabbed a spare blanket and lay down on the floor in front of the small sofa. And while still holding hands, they both fell into a peaceful sleep.