Maybe there's a God above
And all I ever learned from love
Was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you
And it's not a cry you can hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah*
In My Memory, In My Heart
Harry opened one eye blearily and looked around. Everything was still dark, although he could just make out small dots of light here and there, a few fields and hedges and the occasional car zooming by.
Mad-Eye Moody glanced over at Harry when he saw him stir and growled, “Oh. You’re awake, Potter.”
“Harry, are you alright?” he heard Lupin asked gently from somewhere on his left.
“Um, yeah, I think so,” mumbled Harry vaguely.
Nothing was registering in Harry’s mind. The Thestral beneath him cocked its head at Harry’s words, almost as though it could understand. He calmly smoothed its ruffled feathers and let his mind wander. Flashes of memories flickered before his eyes. A forest, shouts, arguments. Flashes of light impairing his vision. A snake-like face… Harry jolted out of his dreamy state. He was suddenly very aware of the cold on his bare arms, and could feel his body stinging. His arm ached and there was an odd pounding in his head. Harry slipped from consciousness and his head fell unceremoniously onto the Thestral’s neck.
*
A blinding light was streaming in from the window. Harry sat up in bed, his mind blissfully blank. He gazed around lazily. The room he was in was white and gleaming, the tiles on the floor winked up at him, reflecting a dancing light that reminded him of the most beautiful eyes he had ever seen “ he missed them so much.
Lost in their magic, Harry didn’t notice straightaway that someone had entered. Lupin gave him an almost sad smile, walking over to Harry’s side. Harry couldn’t read his expression, he didn’t understand what had happened.
“So, I guess it feels strange to be back here again. It seems like such a long time,” murmured Lupin, looking around the room reminiscently.
Harry suddenly recognized the room. It was the spare room at the Burrow, next to Percy’s room. He had never known it to be used, although he was aware that it was there.
“Like eternity…” agreed Harry, eyeing the room with renewed intrigue.
He looked over at Lupin and was surprised to see a tear slide down his cheek. Lupin’s eyes looked empty, all the happiness sapped from them. Lupin turned towards Harry with no attempt to hide his tears.
“If only she were still here…maybe, maybe things would be different,” he choked.
Harry watched as he left the room silently. Overwhelming guilt hit him like a mallet. He had forgotten. He had just sat there and watched Lupin’s emotions spilling out, struggling to think what he had meant. It felt so long since Tonks had died “ yet he knew Lupin must have thought about her every day since she died.
*
Harry rose and dressed, his heart heavy. Just as he was about to leave the room, Ron and Hermione walked through the door.
“Oh, sorry Harry, we’ll come later…” Hermione apologized.
“No, it’s fine. What do you want to talk about?”
“Isn’t it obvious? How- well, how did you kill him? V-Voldemort?” asked Ron.
“Killed…w-what?” stammered Harry.
It was at that moment that reality hit him. He remembered a burning sensation in his eyes like no pain he had felt before. A beacon of gold light streaming from each of them, and a man with a snake-like face, leering at him.
Harry reached inside himself, and poured out the entire story, reliving everything, reminding himself too. He could see the looks on his best friends’ faces, full of an emotion he could no longer understand. It was only when he had finished that he thought of his scar. It was there, where it had always been, though he could feel a deep cut had recently traced the exact shape again. He knew he would never be quite free of the memory of Voldemort “ he had left his mark on Harry forever.
Harry stared at Ron and Hermione, and they shared a moment of complete and utter understanding that no words were needed. Nothing had changed between them. Coming together in a hug, nobody said anything “ their bond alone spoke a thousand words.
*
Later that evening, Harry wandered out into the garden. It was dark, but still light enough to see. He sat down at the foot of a pine tree, watching two figures walking hand-in-hand under the stars.
Harry’s heart felt like it had been ripped in two when he saw Ginny’s face, her eyes melting like chocolate at the sight of the boy stood next to her. They kissed, and a searing pain crossed Harry’s chest, preventing him from breathing.
He had seen so many people die, he had experienced so much pain, yet at that one moment, just one single person filled his head.
You know what the saddest thing in the word is? To love someone who used to love you.
If only I’d let her make her own decisions, she wanted to stay, “ what have I done? How could I know how much pain she would put me through? If only…if only…how I hate those words. We could have been so happy, she would have been in my arms now, laughing, her dancing brown eyes reaching into me…making me whole.
At that moment, Ginny glanced over to where Harry was sat. Confusion, then sorrow crossed her face, and she turned away. Her look of disappointment stabbed Harry like a knife, and he knew.
Harry remembered something Ginny had screamed at him a long time ago, when he had refused her heart.
"One day you'll love me as I love you. One day you'll think of me as I think of you. One day you'll cry for me as I cry for you. One day you'll want me, but I won't want you."
Harry pulled himself up and walked away silently. There was no going back now, he couldn’t change a thing. She was gone, lost for eternity. The only place in his life that Ginny existed now was his memory, and forever in his heart.
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah*
*Rufus Wainwright