Beta: Amber

~~~

The room is crammed with people. Hushed voices everywhere. A man blinks and stares at his food with dismal, it just isn’t worth the effort. A hand reaches for him from the corner of his eyes and he avoids it.

The chatter continues and he feels his mouth going into a frown so he excuses himself and avoids meeting anyone’s eyes. A flash of pink crosses his path and something in his head snaps, he knows he’s glaring. “Leave me alone.”

His mind wanders as he goes up the stairs and before he knows it he’s sitting on a bed. He’s tired, eyes raw, his whole body numb. He just wants to close his eyes and forget about everything.

He falls asleep the second his head hits the pillow.



When he opens his eyes he can feel the warmth coming from a fireplace. The fire eating away at the wood is a comforting sound.

Remus blinks and sits up sits, he finds himself perched over his seventh year transfiguration book, quill between his fingers and a three rolls of parchment on the side. He is sixteen. He is at Hogwarts.

Sirius Black sits across from him, and in contrast to Remus, he has just one book and one roll of parchment in front of him. Remus looks briefly from his assignment as Sirius purses his lips in confusion and taps the parchment nervously with the tip of his quill. He can’t help smiling. Sirius notices he’s being stared at and looks up, returning Remus smile with a grin.

Remus stomach flips and his eyes go back to his homework, a faint colour covering his cheeks. He starts writing again, taking a deep breath and burying the feelings. He feels as if he’s been there for hours. Maybe he has. Sirius faces him, both of them focused on their studies. Remus can sometimes feel Sirius’s eyes on him, which is quite distracting.
Occasionally, a torn piece of parchment falls on top of what he is reading. This is even more distracting.

“Sirius, stop it.” Remus hisses without glancing up from his reading and Sirius replies with another bit of parchment that hits Remus’s forehead. He jerks his gaze to Sirius. Sirius grins at him from across the table. With a roll of his eyes Remus stands and settles himself on the couch on the far end of the room, beside the fire. It isn’t long before the couch’s weight shifts.

“Sirius, it’s late. I want to get at least a few hours of sleep.” The weight shifts again and Remus feels Sirius’s body heat. So close.

“Moony,” Sirius whispers and Remus’s breath catches in his throat. Without closing the book, he glances sideways. Sirius rests his chin on Remus’s arm, just below his shoulder.

“I never told you I loved you, Moony.”

“Sirius….”

Sirius is smiling. His eyes are glowing with something. Something buried deep inside Remus’s heart, his greatest wish. He feels Sirius’s hand cover his. Sirius closes the book and tosses it aside.

“Is this a dream?” Remus asks, afraid of the answer.

“Maybe,” Sirius whispers and Remus feels fingers tracing up his arm, his collarbone, and lastly his neck, finally resting on his face. “Did you love me, Remus?” Sirius asks.

Remus forgets to breath. It has to be a dream. Soon he will wake up and remember that he doesn’t have the guts to tell Sirius how he feels. Come morning they will just be friends. It is a dream. Remus leans forward and presses his forehead against Sirius’s. “Yes,” he breathes. He can feel Sirius’s warm breath against his. “Very much.” He clutches at Sirius’s robes and feels the body under them. Real. There. Sirius is really there. And he just told Remus he loved him.

Their lips touch. They kiss.

Remus clings to Sirius as the kiss ends and promises to never again keep inside such a thing. He will tell Sirius for the rest of his life how much he loves him.

Sirius shifts slightly and pulls back, kissing Remus’s temple and whispering against his skin. “Now you know. Remember that I loved you, Moony”

Remus’s eyes snap open and he grabs at Sirius’s robes. An invisible door has opened and he sees, he knows.

“Sirius!” Remus pleads desperately, shaking his head. “Please, don’t….”

Sirius holds his face still. “Hush,” he breathes before kissing Remus lightly on the lips. “It’s okay.” Another kiss.

“Not again….” Remus wants to say, “Please don’t leave again….” But he knows he can’t stop it. Sirius is still smiling and Remus wishes Sirius would take him with him.



Remus wakes up. Startled. His heart is aching.

He looks around the room. It isn’t his room. It was Sirius’s old room. He came here last night looking for something and fell asleep on the bed. He closes his eyes and runs fingers across his lips still feeling the lingering kiss; it had to be more than a dream.

But even if he can feel it, it still doesn’t change his reality.

Because there is no more Hogwarts. Only an abandoned house that isn’t his. There are no friends dear to him. Only people who are passing by.

And there is no Sirius.

Sirius is dead.

-end-