A/N: I was surfing the Internet for Harry Potter fanart and came across the fabulous fanart site called Maleficium. One of her pictures (it’s called The Morning After) inspired me to write this little one-shot. It’s very short, and good for a quick laugh.


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Disclaimer: No, anything in the HP canon is not mine. It’s all JK Rowling’s. She should be preserved for future generations, she’s THAT COOL.



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Dimly, through the haze of greyness, golden light tinted red filtered through Remus Lupin's closed eyelids. Idly he wondered if he was dead, and this was the light of heaven. A part of his mind scoffed disdainfully. Bollocks, Remus, you think this every month. You are NOT dead and that is NOT heaven. It is the light shining through the windows of the hospital wing. WAKE THE HELL UP.


Head pounding, he groaned and sat up, pressing a hand to his forehead. Gingerly he touched his face, wincing as he felt the fresh scratches. His fingers brushed a particularly deep gash and he felt a warm, wet stickiness. He drew his hand away quickly and stared at the blood on his fingers. He was never still bleeding the morning after. What had happened? He reached up again to gently probe the area around the slash, and his fingers felt something long and thin. Frowning, he pulled it away--one long, black dog hair. Ah, yes. I didn't do that myself. One restraining slice, a la Padfoot.


"Remus? Remus Lupin, keep your hands off of those scratches!"


He jumped guiltily as Madam Pomfrey, the matron, came bustling towards his bed. She was carrying a bowl of Cleaning Potion and held a pristine white cloth in one hand. "Clean those cuts, young man. Goodness, some of them are still bleeding! You really ran yourself through the mill last night, Remus." She strode back into her office, tutting loudly.


Remus reached for the cloth and dipped it into the pale blue potion. Suddenly, the hospital door banged open and his friends strode into the ward. Sirius and James had broad grins on their faces, and Peter came behind them looking amused but mildly concerned.


"Remus, dahling, we've been simply worried to pieces about you!" Sirius proclaimed exaggeratedly in a simply ridiculous voice, waving his hands flamboyantly.


Without changing expression, Remus threw the wet rag at him. "Sod off."


Sirius frowned as he bent to retrieve the cleaning cloth. "What's got you so angry?"


"Guess," he drawled sarcastically. He glanced to make sure Madam Pomfrey's door was closed tightly, and then lowered his voice. "See this cut, Padfoot? It's still bleeding."


"Ye-es..."


Remus rolled his eyes and cast an appealing look at James. James winked and casually smacked Sirius upside the head. "You idiot, don't you remember where you bit him last night?"


Sirius frowned, trying to remember. "N--oh, wait, yeah. Sorry, Moony."


"Yeah, sure. You gave me this, Sirius, you clean it off."


James and Peter snickered as Sirius, abashed, sat down next to Remus on his hospital bed and began to scrub at the bleeding cut.


Remus winced. "Not so hard, that still hurts."


"Sorry." Sirius eased up on the pressure, pausing only to throw a Death Look in James and Peter's direction, implying that if they so much as LAUGHED, he would hex them until they were only merely recognizable as their former selves.


"That's better." Remus leaned back into his pillows as his friends drew up chairs around his bed. "Did I miss breakfast?"


James nodded. "Yeah. Eggs and bacon, too. Wormtail said he was going to bring some up--"


Peter winced. "Oops. Knew I forgot something."


Sirius shook his head. "Honestly, Wormtail, sometimes you amaze me."


"I forgot, you do it, too," Peter grumbled. He elbowed Sirius. "Like you have a tendency to forget the last girl you snogged."


Sirius spread his hands with a grin. "I can't help it, there are just so many..."


James jumped up in his seat like he had just been shocked. "Oh, just remembered! Guess what, Moony?"


Remus grinned at him, flashing his slightly-more-pointed-than-normal eyeteeth at James. "Does this involve Lily Evans?"


"She looked at me today!" James exclaimed with glee. "And talked to me, too!"


"What did she say? Was it haughty and extraordinarily disdainful and sarcastic?"


James frowned. "Well, erm, yes, I suppose." Remus burst out laughing. James looked abashed. "Well, I mean, no more so than usual."


"Oh, shock horror," Remus said dryly.


Sirius grinned. "Yeah, it wasn't like she had a complete personality overhaul since last night. She didn't say anything like, 'Oh, James, my love, I wish we could be together for ever,' but it came fairly close."


"What was it?" Remus asked with a grin.


"Something along the lines of, 'James Potter, get that hand off my ass before I curse it off.'" Remus and Peter roared with laughter.


Scowling, James threw one of Remus's extra pillows at Sirius. "Shut up. I saw you throwing your puppy-dog-eyes at that Ravenclaw Ellen Harmonds over your eggs and toast, and we all know that she pointedly ignores you every chance she gets."


Sirius flushed with embarrassment. "I don't know why, I've never been anything but nice to her. I don't act like you do around Evans."


Peter sat up with a mischievous grin. "I found out who Harmonds likes, by the way. I heard her talking about it to her friends."


Sirius spun around, grabbing the short boy by the front of his robes and hauling him up to his eye level. "Who? I swear, by the time I'm done with him, he'll wish--"


"Sirius, it's Remus!" Peter choked, looking frightened.


Sirius dropped him with a thud. He swiveled to stare at Remus, who was looking quite frankly stunned. Sounds of inarticulate rage spluttered from Sirius's throat.


Wisely, James leapt for Sirius and grabbed his arms before he could jump on Remus.


"YOU BASTARD!" he yelled furiously, straining to get at Remus. "STEALING HER RIGHT OUT FROM UNDER MY NOSE!"


Remus instinctively jerked back out of range, alarmed. "Sirius, I didn't do anything!"


"YES YOU DID!! DAMN YOU WITH YOUR SMART PREFECTNESS!!"


Remus grinned, knowing just the thing to bring him back to his senses. "What? I can't help it if girls just love me more than they do you."


Sirius froze, staring at him through narrowed eyes. "They do not. They all like me better."


"I wonder what they would say if they saw you just five minutes ago?" Remus teased. "Sirius Black: troublemaker, charlatan, recklessly daring bad boy...and caring, sensitive nurse to his badly wounded friend."


"SHUT UP!" Sirius's face was flaming.


Remus winked hugely at him. "That's our Sirius. His two weaknesses—pride and skirt."


Sirius grinned evilly and approached Remus's bedside. Remus shrank back apprehensively. "Oh, don't worry, Moony, I'm not going to hit you," Sirius said airily, sitting down next to him.


"Then..." Remus arched an eyebrow.


"I just wanted to...GIVE YOU A BIG HUG!" Sirius threw his arms around Remus, making sure to hit all the bruises.


Remus shrieked with pain, writhing in Sirius's grasp. Fighting his arms free, he grabbed one of his pillows and smacked Sirius hard in the head with it. He let go almost immediately, and the pillow fight got under way rather quickly after that.


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