Not Another Mary Sue Fic! by Air Elemental
Summary: A Mary Sue Parody fic! Infinity Babe has moved from New York to Hogwarts with her 'oh-so-evil' parents. Can Harry and the gang stop her from warping canon? Not to be taken seriously. Rated PG-13 for a reason. Scriptfic.
Categories: Humor Fics Characters: None
Warnings: Book 7 Disregarded, Sexual Situations, Slash
Challenges:
Series: None
Chapters: 4 Completed: No Word count: 4686 Read: 14469 Published: 01/02/06 Updated: 11/06/07

1. Act One by Air Elemental

2. Act Two by Air Elemental

3. Act Three by Air Elemental

4. Act Four by Air Elemental

Act One by Air Elemental
Not Another Mary Sue Fic! Act One

Scene 1: Platform 9¾
[The platform is busy and the train is in the station. The NARRATOR stands in the foreground, looking troubled. INFINITY and her parents enter.]

Infinity: Oh I feel so angsty! Why, my dear parents, do you wish me to go to this school? You really want to get rid of me, don’t you! You hate me! Sob! Ever since we moved to England from New York! Sob! Sniffle!

Dad: Stop snivelling! Of course we hate you! Now get sorted into Slytherin or we’ll disown you!

Mum: Yeah, what with us being Death Eaters and everything, just to add to your angsty past! Now we’re going to spend your inheritance money! Ciao!

[Parents exit.]

Infinity: Gee, Kaleidoscope! I’m a new girl here! What if I never fit in?

Narrator: Infinity Caressa Weronika Xavika Babe wasn’t your average exchange-student Mary Sue. Well, actually she is, but I’ve got to keep to this script or I don’t get paid! [Looks shifty.] Anyway, she had a pet lemur with green and purple spots called Kaleidoscope. Kaleidoscope was her bestest best friend because no-one else wanted to be friends with dear, wonderful, sexy Infinity. They didn’t want to catch nits off her… I MEAN they couldn’t see her true, wonderful, kind, loving, adjective-rich personality! Right, has everyone brought their sick bags? Good, now let’s continue…

[HARRY, RON and HERMIONE enter, looking confused.]

Ron: Hey Harry, I thought we were going to go hunting for Horcruxes!

Harry: So did I, but the author dragged me back to star in this cheap Mary Sue parody!

Infinity: Look Kaleidoscope, he’s so hot!

Audience: Groan!

Infinity: There’s no way he’ll go on a hot date with me! I’m so ugly!

Narrator: Infinity had long, blonde, golden hair curled in perfect ringlets. Her icy, azure eyes shone like diamonds against her permanent St Tropez tan. Her plump red lips and her long black eyelashes framed her delicate face. No man could resist her! Oh, and she had hypnotic powers too.

[Whistle blows.]

Infinity: C’mon Kaleidoscope! We mustn’t be late! I need lots of time to be angsty.




Scene 2: The Hufflepuff’s carriage
[ERNIE, HANNAH, SUSAN and JUSTIN are relaxing. Enter INFINITY.]

Infinity: Excuse me, but can I chill with you?

Susan: No.

Infinity: [Whining] But why? Is it because I’m different? Is it because I’m American? Is it because my parents are Death Eaters? Or is it because I’m so sexy you don’t want me to steal your boyfriends? Or maybe it’s because-

[ERNIE pulls out a large machine gun, and pumps lead into INFINITY. She drops dead.]

Audience: HURRAY!

[INFINITY gets up, unscathed.]

Audience: BOO!

Infinity: Nice try, Ernie!

Ernie: How did she know my name?!

Infinity: With my mind reading powers.

Narrator: She’s a Sue. What do you expect?

Hannah: [Pulls out a pocket talisman] Get back, you evil creature! I have the only existing Mary Sue deflecting amulet with me! Now leave my friends alone!

Infinity: Nobody loves me! Oh the angst!

[Exits]

Justin: Hey! How come I didn’t get any lines?

Susan: Don’t look at me; I only got to say ‘No’.




Scene 3: The Sorting Ceremony
[It’s the Great Hall. The First years are bundled in one corner with INFINITY, who has Kaleidoscope on her shoulder.]

McGonagall: Andrews, Thomas.

Hat: Hufflepuff!

McGonagall: Arrow-Smith, Jane.

Hat: Gryffindor!

McGonagall: Babe, Infinity.

Hat: MARY SUE! CIRCUIT OVERLOAD! MELTING… MELTING… HELP!

[HAT becomes a pile of goo on the floor.]

Infinity: My hair!

McGonagall: Look what you’ve done now, Sue! You’ve melted the Sorting Hat! Your parents will hear from this, along with a large insurance bill!

Infinity: Sob! I’m so misunderstood!

Narrator: Infinity was now faced with a choice. She could now choose what house to belong to.

Infinity: What am I going to do, Kaleidoscope? Will I obey my oh-so-evil parents’ wishes and join Slytherin? Or will I become a rebellious Sue and join Gryffindor?

First year: Hurry up! Some of us need to get sorted!

Infinity: I choose… GRYFFINDOR!

Audience: Surprise surprise.

[SNAPE stands up with a piece of paper in his hand. He waves it frantically.]

Snape: I’ve received a letter from your parents! Get back on that stool and choose Slytherin NOW!

Audience: Ooo… OOC!Snape.

Infinity: Don’t go there girlfriend!

[All on stage except NARRATOR burst into laughter.]

Narrator: Oh dear, our Sue’s just had an ego boost. I’ll get the stun gun.

Infinity: Slytherin is evil, and as a Mary Sue, I hate evil! Anyway, I’ll never be able to make out with Harry or Ron if I’m not in Gryffindor. I don’t want to be like my parents. I want to be rebellious! I AM A REBELLIOUS SUE!

Narrator: Don’t worry! I’ve got the horse tranquilizers!

[NARRATOR fires a dart at INFINITY. She roars and pushes it off, but then falls asleep.]

Audience: HURRAY!

Infinity: I’ll… be… back…

End of Act One.
Act Two by Air Elemental
Author's Notes:
It took a good few months, but I finally finished Chapter Two. I'd like to thank all readers for being so patient with me!
Not Another Mary Sue Fic! Act Two

Scene 1 – The Headmaster’s office

Narrator: After the sorting, there was a large feast in which Infinity gorged – I mean daintily nibbled – through half the food on the table. Naturally, she didn’t put on a single pound.

Infinity: It’s so tough being so beautiful!

Narrator: I’m sure it is. Anyway, we rejoin our sue as she waits with McGonagall in the Headmaster’s office.

[Enter INFINITY, KALEIDOSCOPE and PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL.]

McGonagall: Now you stay here and wait until the Headmaster arrives.

Audience member: But I thought Dumbledore was dead!

Narrator: He was, but thanks to a large cheque to JK Rowling, he’s alive and well.

[Enter DUMBLEDORE.]

Dumbledore: Good evening and welcome back to Hogwarts!

Audience: HURRAY!

McGonagall: Albus! You have a maggot in your hair.

Dumbledore: No, it’s a worm. I had to escape out of the coffin using only my ninja-blasting beard!

[Dumbledore’s Beard shoots off his chin and starts dancing to ‘Eye of the Tiger’.]

Audience: WHAT?!

Narrator: ‘Dumbledore’s Ninja-blasting Beard’ is available in silver, orange, green and glittery pink. Buy two-for-one at Weasley’s Wizard Wheezes today! While stocks last…

McGonagall: Albus, please put that dancing beard back on your chin and let’s deal with the matter in hand. [MCGONAGALL points to INFINITY.]

Dumbledore: Ah yes, of course! [DUMBLEDORE puts the beard back on.] Now sit down, Infinity, I have some bad news for you.

Infinity: They don’t have tanning salons at Hogwarts? Oh no! The angst!

Dumbledore: Well… not quite… You must understand. You are no ordinary witch.

Narrator: You wouldn’t have thought it, you know.

Dumbledore: You are… [DUMBLEDORE pulls out a list from the inside of his robe.] Countess of Zehimba, Lady of the Lake, Princess of the New Kingdom, Lordess of the Toasters, Queen of Atlantis, Leader of the Sorceress Alliance, Heir to Ravenclaw, Descendant of Gryffindor, Empress of wandless magic, Communicator of Animals, Daughter of Zeus, the Tsar of New Mexico…

Narrator: This may take a while. [NARRATOR opens a newspaper.] Oh wow, they’re building another bridge on the River Thames.

[Several hours later.]

Dumbledore: …The next Queen of England, the Twenty-first Century Rapunzel and the Party Goddess of Aiya Napa.

Infinity: Oh my God! That is so awesome! Is that it?

McGonagall: Insolent child.

Dumbledore: No Infinity, by special request from my local hardware store in your battle to defeat Lord Voldemort –

Infinity: Totally! Evil sucks.

Dumbledore: Yes, anyway, they want you to have this, what with you being royalty and all.

[A curtain is pulled back to reveal a forklift truck.]

Audience: WHAT?!

Narrator: We tried to get a digger, but they ran out.

Infinity: Gee whiz! I’ve always wanted a forklift truck.

Dumbledore: It’ll come in handy later. [Coughs loudly.] Major plot point!

Audience: Yawn.

Narrator: Oh great, time for a random scene change…




Scene 2 – The Gryffindor Common room
[All the Gryffindors are wandering around aimlessly.]

Harry: Was there any point in the last scene?

Hermione: Of course, Harry. Didn’t you see the major forklift truck plot point?

Harry: Yeah, but… oh never mind, where’s Ginny?

Ron: Applying her make-up apparently.

Hermione: Make-up? Since when was Ginny ever interested in wearing make-up?

Ron: Dunno, but she’s been acting strange since that new girl arrived.

Harry: Look, there she is now.

[Enter INFINITY.]

[Everyone stares at INFINITY.]

Infinity: What are you all staring at? Is it my pet lemur?

Seamus: I love you Infinity!

Dean: Marry me!

Colin Creevey: I want you to have my babies!

Infinity: Oh my God, how do I say this…? NO! There is only one man who lies in my heart.

Dean: Hang on; she’s another bloody Mary Sue.

Seamus: Kill her!

[A large mob forms around INFINITY.]

Infinity: Er… guys I didn’t mean it… you’re all good looking in an ugly sort of way…

Narrator: Infinity was in a bit of a pickle. Sadly, our fun was ruined by none other than Harry himself.

[HARRY runs into the mob and runs out carrying INFINITY.]

Ron: Harry? What did you do that for?

Harry: I – I don’t know…

Hermione: Ron, can I talk to you for a minute?

Ron: Uh? Oh, yeah.

[HERMIONE pulls RON aside.]

Hermione: Ron, we have to do something soon, before – Ron, pay attention!

Ron: But she’s so pretty… and Harry gets all the girls… maybe I should –

Hermione [annoyed]: Didn’t you listen last year in Defence against the Dark Arts? She’s a Mary Sue! She was created by jealous and malicious fangirls who wish to insert themselves into Hogwarts and disrupt the harmony of the fandom!

Ron: Does it turn everyone out of character as well?

Hermione: Well… yes it does, how…

Narrator: Sadly, Hermione couldn’t finish her sentence due to a loud shriek from Infinity. She fell to the ground with an elegant flop, leaving Harry looking flabbergast.

Audience Member: Harry killed the Sue!

Audience: HURRAY!

Harry: I didn’t kill her, I swear…

Narrator: Harry’s right, we can’t kill off the main character at chapter two! We all had to sign a contract saying so. This isn’t Yu Yu Hakusho, you know! Ha ha ha! [Silence, since no one got the joke.] Oh fine then!

[INFINITY mumbles and sits up.]

Infinity: Oh Harry! It was so horrible! I had another angsty vision… HOLD ME!

[INFINITY throws herself at HARRY, who stands there looking bewildered.]

Harry: Ah, help!

Infinity: I saw… Lord Voldemort returning to Hogwarts!

All: Gasp!

Infinity: And I saw myself battling him. Then I saw that I’d forgotten to straighten my hair! It was horrific!

Ron [observing the scene]: This is bad! Hermione, do something!

Hermione: Like what? Buy the author a book on character development?

Ron: No, like praising her off Harry and throwing her off Gryffindor Tower!

Hermione: Ron! We can’t do that.

Ron: What can we do then?

[HERMIONE pauses.]

Hermione: We can go to the Library!

[HERMIONE grabs RON’s arm and drags him towards the Portrait Hole.]

Ron: That’s your answer for everything!

[They both exit.]

Harry: Ron, Hermione, where are you going? Get her off me!

Narrator: As Act Two draws to a close, we wonder many things. Will Infinity capture Harry’s heart? Will Ron and Hermione get cosy in the Library?

Ron and Hermione [offstage]: NO!

Shippers: Darn it!

Narrator: And will my pills come through the post in time before I completely lose it? Find out next time folks! [NARRATOR throws the script aside.] Who writes this crap?

End of Act Two
Act Three by Air Elemental
Author's Notes:
What's this? An update? From me? A big apology to all my readers for taking so long with this. I hope you enjoy the chapter!
Not Another Mary Sue Fic! Act Three

Scene 1 – The Library

Narrator: Ron and Hermione stayed up all night hunting through various books attempting to find a way to banish Infinity. Three-hundred volumes and seven draughts of caffeine potions later, things weren’t looking so good…

[RON and HERMIONE are sitting on encyclopaedias and rifling through a large pile of books. It is very dark.]

Ron: Hermione, it’s four in the morning and the library closed five hours ago. Why are we still here?

Hermione: Because, Ron, that Mary Sue could have infected all of Gryffindor Tower by tomorrow morning. It’s vital we find a banishing spell as soon as possible!

Ron: Well, why couldn’t you have done it on your own? I’m exhausted!

[HERMIONE snaps the book shut.]

Hermione: Do you want to save Harry or not?

Ron: Of course I do!

Hermione: Then stop complaining and help me look!

[RON yawns loudly and stands up, clearly tired.]

Narrator: Poor Ron wasn’t used to long nights, which is odd, really, considering how many overnight escapades he’s had with Harry.

Ron: Look, can we cut to the point? It’s boring watching Hermione read for five hours!

Audience: Zzzz…

Narrator: You’re right. [NARRATOR skips several pages of the script.] Ahem, then by some miracle, Hermione found exactly what she was looking for!

Hermione: Ron! I found it! The cure for Self-Inserts!

Audience: Huh… oh, HURRAY!

Ron: At last! Where was it?

Hermione: In the book you were sitting on.

Ron: You’re joking.

Hermione: Of all the books in the library, Ron, you had to go and sit on that one didn’t you? Anyway, the potion’s simple enough. The book says it’ll take six-to-eight weeks to brew.

Ron: We can’t wait that long, Hermione! Ginny’s started curling her hair!

Hermione: I know, Ron, I know. We can shorten it to three weeks if we include a lock of her hair and some of her ‘emo-tears’.

Ron: Emo-what?

Hermione: That’s what it says. The other ingredients we can get from Snape’s stores.

Ron: Brilliant! Now, let’s go back to bed!

Hermione: No you’re not! You’re helping me carry the books off-stage in preparation for the next scene! Come on.

[RON groans, grabs an armful off books and exits.]




Scene 2 – The corridors of Hogwarts
[Students are mulling around as they rush to lessons. INFINITY is walking arm-in-arm with a bemused HARRY.]

Narrator: It was Monday morning and the students were heading out of the Great Hall to their first lesson of the day. While everyone else was wearing their boring, drab robes, Infinity had special permission to wear her own clothes.

Infinity: Dumbly says I shouldn’t be constricted by cheap fabric.

Audience: Dumbly?!

Narrator: Infinity was wearing a strapless hot pink top with blue and orange strips that brought out her newly dyed red-with-purple streaks hair. Her naturally smooth armpits smelt of sweet roses and she carried an aroma of honey and pearl. Cupped around her slender waist was a leather mini-skirt which was short enough to show off her beautiful, creamy legs but long enough to be decent. Tenderly supporting her feet were the latest pair off –

[MALFOY storms onstage.]

Malfoy: Stuff this! I don’t care if she’s wearing a coat of Dodo feathers! It’s my bit now.

Narrator: Ahem, suddenly, Draco Malfoy strode down the corridor towards Harry.

Malfoy: What’s this Potter? Another obsessive has got her claws into you? Hah! You’re so feeble, going for tarts like that that show a bit of leg… slender legs… beautiful skin… gorgeous eyes… hey sexy, dump Potty-brain and come with me!

Narrator: Time of resistance: five seconds.

Infinity: Gee Draco, I’d love to, but Harry’s the one for me!

Harry: Er, no actually, you can go with him. [HARRY tries to worm away from INFINITY.] I don’t mind!

Infinity: No way, Harry! [She clamps onto his arm again.] You’re my soul mate! My one true love! It was totally written in the stars!

Harry: What are you doing back here anyway, Malfoy? Was Voldemort too big for you?

Malfoy: Shut your mouth, Potter. The Dark Lord sent me here to keep an eye on Infinity Babe and check that she wasn’t one of his long lost daughters like the last batch were, not that I’m meant to tell you that anyway.

Infinity: Oh Harry, I sense some sort of unresolved sexual tension between you and Draco. Please say it isn’t so!

Harry: Yes, it – WHAT?!

Malfoy: Forget this weirdo Infinity; he obviously doesn’t like women, so come with me.

Sirius [offstage]: Hey, you say it like it’s a bad thing!

Malfoy: I never said it was! Anyway, you can’t talk, you’re dead!

Infinity: I know! Let’s solve this potentially messy love triangle by having a romantic threesome!

Harry: NO!

Malfoy: Come on Potter, it’ll be fun!

Narrator: Sadly, Malfoy’s sudden change of attitude was too much for Harry; his brain unable to keep up with the rapidly changing characterisation. With one last thought towards his absent friends Ron and Hermione, he collapsed on the ground.

[HARRY collapses.]

Infinity: Harry! NO!

Malfoy: Oh you’ve done it now Potter.

[JACK SLOPER enters.]

Jack: Oh no, our Quidditch captain! We’ve got a big game tomorrow too! Who will play Seeker now?

Narrator: Ladies and Gentlemen, Jack Sloper!

Audience: Hurray!

Narrator: As the pressure of defeat sank in, Infinity realised that her training from being the youngest girl to play Seeker for the American Nationals were all for this moment.

Infinity: I’ll do it! Anything for my dearest hotcake Harry!

Malfoy: Talking of hotcakes, I’ve just remembered that I left the oven on in the Slytherin common room! I’m off. Anyway Infinity, I didn’t know you were a Gryffindor! You can forget about being with me!

[MALFOY Exits.]

Infinity: Oh no! All this time I’ve been lusting after Harry, but now that you’re gone, I’ve realised that it’s you I’ve loved all along, Draco! But yet I still long for my darling Harry; what must I do? How can I possibly choose? It’ll tear me apart! I’ll –

Harry: Erm, I’ve been unconscious for quite a while now. Someone should take me to the Hospital Wing. Please?

Narrator: Will Infinity triumph in tomorrow’s match? Will Malfoy ever get back in character? And will the author check her canon facts before writing such drivel?

Harry: I’m dying here!

Narrator: To be continued… unfortunately…

End of Act Three
Act Four by Air Elemental
Author's Notes:
To the Mods: This fic is written in script format for parody reasons, not because I don't know the meaning of the word 'prose'. If script-fics aren't allowed on the site anymore, please tell me!

To the readers: Thanks for all the encouraging reviews! I hope you enjoy the chapter!

The song Infinity sings towards the end are lyrics from 'My Immortal' by Evanescence. I most certainly didn't write them and claim no credit for them!
Not Another Mary Sue Fic! Act Four

Scene 1 – The Girl’s Dormitory in Gryffindor Tower

Narrator: After an exciting and adrenaline-filled Quidditch match, Infinity returned to the Girl’s Dorms for a quick shower. It had been a tough match with Infinity doing several loop-the-loops, deflecting Bludgers with her portable aura-shield and catching the Snitch in one smooth, effortless swoop. The overall score was 420 – 10 to Gryffindor and Infinity became the school heroine.

Audience Member: Can we see the match, then?

Narrator: No. The author’s too lazy to do a full Quidditch scene. Write it yourself.

Other Audience Member: Uh, will we be seeing the shower scene?

Narrator: I’ll ignore that question, now on with the story.

[Enter INFINITY with a large entourage of female admirers.]

Girl One: That catch was fantastic, Infinity! How did you do it?

Infinity: Oh, my wise old Grandpa once told me that if I used the power of my heart, I could achieve anything. So I thought of my darling Harry and the skill came naturally.

Girl Two: That’s so romantic!

Infinity: It’s one of the only happy memories I have as a child. It was before the family slaughter house tragedy. Sob!

Girls: You poor thing! You’re so brave, Infinity!

[Enter RON and HERMIONE. RON is wearing a blonde wig.]

Ron [furiously]: Why do I have to wear a wig?

Hermione [firmly]: Because, Ron, I happen to be a girl and you aren’t, so you wear the wig. And make your voice a bit higher.

Ron [muttering]: If canon was still working I wouldn’t even be here.

Hermione: I know…

Infinity: Gee, are you guys here to worship me too? Not that I like it, being modest and mildly introverted and all.

Hermione: Oh, no! Not at all. We’re just… getting our things, aren’t we, er, Ronette?

[RON nods his head.]

Infinity: Oh, alright.

Narrator: With her heightened Sue-Senses tingling, Infinity sensed something odd about ‘Ronette’.

Infinity: Hmm, I sense something odd…

Narrator: However, her attention was soon diverted back to her loyal followers.

Girl One: How do you keep your hair so silky soft, Infinity?

Infinity: Huh? Oh, I don’t wash it. It’s naturally like that.

Girls: Wow!

Hermione: Oh for goodness sake! How are we supposed to get close to her if she’s surrounded by a group of swooning air heads?

Ron: I dunno.

[Enter LAVENDER BROWN.]

Lavender: Guess what, everyone! Oliver Wood’s visiting in the common room and he’s taking his shirt off!

Girls: Really? SQUEE!

[Exit girls in a hurry, leaving INFINITY, HERMIONE and RON alone.]

Narrator: Alas, the idea of Oliver Wood stripping robbed Infinity of her precious followers. Alone and broken, she curled up on the floor and began to weep camomile scented tears.

Infinity: Sob! No-one loves me! They were all just users who wanted me for my naturally soft hair!

Ron: Er… there there, Infinity.

Hermione: Ro – er, Ronette, wait!

[RON walks up to INFINITY and pats her on the back.]

Ron: Let me, er, give you this hanky.

Infinity: Oh thank you.

Narrator: Infinity carefully dabbed her tear stained cheeks with the hanky, grateful for the kindness of this strange, masculine girl.

Infinity: Gee, if you were a boy, you’d be pretty hot.

Ron [pleasantly surprised]: Really?

Hermione [feeling threatened]: Yes, well, she’s not a boy, is she.

Infinity [ignoring her]: Hey, I saw someone like you at the Quidditch match today. The Keeper with the red hair…

Ron: Yeah, I – er – know him.

Infinity: Really?

Ron: Yeah, I can introduce you to him if you want. He’s got this incredible body and an amazing sense of humour -

Hermione: AHEM.

Ron [turning to HERMIONE]: What?! Why should only Harry and Draco get the girl in this story? What about me?

Narrator: Luckily for Ron, Hermione’s forthcoming outburst was cut off by –

[There’s a loud crashing sound as a piece of the scenery falls over (a cardboard cut-out of Hermione’s bed, to be precise), revealing a crouching DRACO MALFOY.]

Ron: ARGH! A PEEPING TOM!

Malfoy: Uh-oh.

Hermione [fiercely]: What are you doing behind my bed?

Malfoy: This is your bed, Granger? No wonder it smells.

Ron [drawing his wand]: You take that back, Malfoy!

Infinity: Stop! Don’t fight here!

Malfoy: Why not? Oh yes, I baked you some sugary snacks, Babe.

[MALFOY produces a gift wrapped box and hands it to Infinity.]

Infinity: Oh Draco, that’s so kind of you! Did you come all this way to give it to me in person?

Malfoy: Yeah, and that the Dark Lord asked me to spy on you.

All: Gasp!

Infinity: My arch-enemy himself, Lord V? Spy on me? But why?

Malfoy: Well, he wanted to make extra sure you weren’t another of his long lost daughters. They’ve been queuing up outside the Top Secret Headquarters™ asking for a share in his inheritance. That’s why he’s afraid of death, you see, because he’s worried that when he snuffs it, his mob of daughters with turn the Death Eaters into a pink hairdressing troupe or something.

Narrator: Well I never! Now it all makes sense!

[Enter an extremely confused HARRY.]

Harry: What’s going on? Ron, Malfoy; how did you get into the girl’s dormitories?

Hermione: Harry, thank goodness!

Ron: You’re alive!

Harry: Yes, I’m alive… urgh, and that Mary Sue’s still here.

Infinity: Oh Harry… I love you too!

[INFINITY rushes forward and embraces a squirming HARRY. MALFOY looks on, amused.]

Infinity: Gee, Harry. You seem lumpier than usual.

Ron: Been at the Pumpkin Pasties, Harry?

Harry: No, I haven’t, I’ve been feeling very sick lately. I think it’s the hospital food.

All: Hospital?!

Harry: Yeah, they took me off to St Mungo’s for a check up, something about ‘ridiculously high oestrogen levels’, ‘physically impossible’ and ‘is it a boy or a girl’.

[There is a dramatic pause.]

Narrator [dryly]: How very dramatic.

Hermione [quietly]: Harry… I think you might be pregnant.

Harry: WHAT?!

[RON faints. HERMIONE catches him.]

Hermione: Ron! Ron, wake up!

Malfoy: Is it mine, Potter?

Harry: No. I mean, NO! I’ve never even… you know! I’m not gay!

Narrator: Yeah well, that’s what they said about Dumbledore, then look what happened.

Hermione: Harry, are you sure about this? I – I mean, men don’t usually get pregnant.

Harry: I KNOW THAT, HERMIONE!

Narrator: These earth-shattering revelations were too much for Infinity. Sobbing loudly, she ran out of the dormitories and out of sight.

Infinity: Sob! How could you cheat on me, Harry! And I thought I was your one true love!

Malfoy: Hah! You’ve done it now, Potter.

Harry: You can shut up, Malfoy. I know all about you and Blaise Zabini.

[MALFOY shuts up.]




Scene 2 – Dumbledore’s Office

[INFINITY is sitting on the desk, crying in an angsty, melodramatic fashion. Around her, various portraits look around nervously, unsure what to do.]

Narrator: Somehow, Infinity managed to get into the Dumbledore’s Office, where she sat for many hours listening to her fragile heart weep crimson tears at Harry’s betrayal. Never again would she let herself fall in love so easily, for love was a cruel, cruel emotion that tore apart the hearts of those foolish enough to experience it. With this idea in mind, Infinity walked over to Dumbledore’s private piano (that was kept in his bottom draw) and began to play. It was a beautiful, haunting tune, and Infinity began to sing…

Infinity: I’m so tired of being here…

Audience: No! No!

Infinity: …Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone…


Audience: Stop! Stop this torture!

Narrator [distressed]: I can’t!

Infinity: These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase


[Enter DUMBLEDORE.]

Audience: Hurray!

Narrator [relieved]: At last! Erm, I mean, Dumbledore enters, lured in by Infinity’s smooth, mellow voice.

Dumbledore: Infinity, is there something you wish to discuss with me?

Infinity: Oh Dumbly! I feel ever-so angsty! Harry’s having a baby, but I love him! Sob! Wail! He must be in love with someone else! Oh the horrible pain of unrequited love, how I cradle thee!

Dumbledore: Don’t worry, Infinity. We’re organising a masked ball at Halloween and I guarantee that all the nasty emotional subplots will be sorted out there. They often are in these sorts of things.

Infinity: Really, Dumbly?

Dumbledore [smiling]: Yes, really.

[INFINITY rushes forward and hugs DUMBLEDORE.]

Audience: Awww…

Narrator: Oh no, she’s winning you over!

[AUDIENCE is instantly silent.]

Narrator: Ahem, anyway, will Harry’s pregnancy go ahead without a hitch? Will the ball really solve everything? And where has Kaleidoscope the Lemur been for the last three chapters?

Audience member: Who cares?

Narrator: Who cares indeed? Find out in the final chapter of Not Another Mary Sue Fic! Yes, the last one! The last one! Drinks on me!

End of Act Four
This story archived at http://www.mugglenetfanfiction.com/viewstory.php?sid=40621