Author Note: Obviously, this is set in Harry, Ron, Hermione and Draco’s first year at school. Thanks to Roxy for looking over it for me. And to HermyRox12 for betaing. Great beta, weird name. I mean, Hermy Rox 12 what? Twelve babies? Twelve parties? Or just 12 the number? What did 12 ever do to be rocked by Hermy? Anyway, no more of my blabbering, and on with the story. Or, as we say in Australia, on with the story. The Acromantula and its Ability to Consume the Most Repulsive Beasts on This Earth
“And th-th-therefore, we m-must remember that th-the creature d-d-does not d-differentiate between th-the races or i-i-indeed does it d-d-differentiate between the s-species. Yes, Miss Granger?”
“Professor, the“”
Well, seeing as Granger was even more boring and irritating to listen to than Quirrel, Draco Malfoy stopped listening at that point, and stared vaguely at the moving picture of a large creature in his Defense Against the Dark Arts text book. It looked almost like a huge centipede with elongated arms as it crushed various objects with amazingly super-human strength… well, technically ‘animal’ strength, as Draco had never seen anything that looked less human… except, perhaps, the Weasel, first thing in the morning stuffing his face at breakfast (yes, Draco had had the misfortune of glancing at the Gryffindor table at breakfast, usually when scheming against Potter, Weasley and Granger).
Unfortunately, he had gotten so engrossed in the image of the weird creature (that he should probably know the name of, seeing as that was what Quirrel had been talking about for the whole double period), in its attempt to consume a live and kicking Sphinx, that Draco lost track of what was happening. The poor child was only alerted back to the lesson in time to hear their Defence Professor stutter their homework for the night.
“I w-w-would like for you all t-to write eight i-i-inches a-about the most v-v-vile creatures you kn-know as well as i-if and h-how the A-A-Acrom-m-mantula would or c-could devour them, which I-I explained in more d-d-depth earlier.”
The first thing he realized was that the picture was actually featuring more than one Acromantula, and not a single many-legged thing, but also that he really didn’t understand what he was meant to do.
On the way out of the classroom, poor, poor Draco idly commented on the lesson and homework to his fellow Slytherin (which was absolutely the coolest, smartest, most good looking house),
“Can you believe that freak? How are we supposed to learn a thing with that stuttering teacher? Besides, usually, if I can be bothered to listen, he doesn’t have anything interesting to talk about anyway! How dare he expect us to give up our time to do homework for
him?”
Blaise, with a groan of agreement, nodded vigorously.
“I mean, what are we meant to write about? Who cares if an Acromantula can devour two to five of the most vile creatures, in our minds, on this Earth that are known to man? And how are we supposed to use the history of the creatures for inspiration? Who really cares if he suggests we write each one separately to most easily communicate our individual thoughts on paper? And why would we want to write it for next lesson, when he’ll be collecting them and marking them?” complained Blaise.
“Hear, hear!” cried Draco loudly, earning him a few odd looks from a few odd people. He smirked at them evilly and they all seemed to assume he was up to some horrible plot, so they left him alone.
After Blaise’s long and strangely informative comment, Draco spent a long time thinking about what he should write. What were the vilest creatures in the world? The giant squid? Hagrid? A chimera? Maybe a basilisk? Oh, they were all so boring though… he really didn’t want to write about an Acromantula fighting a giant snake, and his father wanted him to get better grades, as he’d heard Draco wasn’t quite the top of his year. It was just so much stress to put upon a poor, innocent kid like himself. As he sat down to lunch, Draco leaned his elbow on the table thinking, and his eyes began to wander across the hall automatically, even though he wasn’t currently planning anything horrible for the Gryffin“
Wait a moment… Wait just one moment there. Draco had an idea. With a truly frightening snicker, the cunning Mr. Malfoy pulled a quill and parchment from the bag of a small Ravenclaw girl at the next table. What an idea it was.
o0oOo0o
The next day, the charming young Draco went to his first class, potions, with an extremely confident and cocky (and rightfully so!) look on his face. He was famous with his Slytherin peers (more so); he’d done his homework (and was planning to send a copy to his soon-to-be delighted father) and, of course, he was an absolute genius, master of words and pinnacle of human intelligence.
“Oh, Professor Snape!” he shouted, as Snape arrived at the dungeons and swept into the room.
“Hmm?” said Snape, raising an eyebrow.
“Professor, I have an essay for Professor Quirrel that I’m planning on handing in, but since you know so much about the Dark “ I mean,
Defense Against the Dark Arts, I do so wonder if you could look it over for me first?”
“Very well,” said Snape, obviously taken by surprise. “But I am rather busy… I don’t“”
“Oh, don’t worry, Professor. I’m sure you’ll find an… interest in my essay,” said Draco, and bounded to his seat; all of the Slytherins, who had, obviously, read the essay (as it was on the wall of the Slytherin common room) or had it read to them already, smirked at him, each other, and the famous Gryffindor trio. Snape set the work, and sat down to read Draco’s essay.
About forty minutes and as many usually rare chuckles from Snape later, said Professor rose and calmly instructed the class to hand in their potions. When Draco handed in his, Snape gave him back his essay.
As soon as Flitwick had given the class work to do during Charms, the first year Slytherins’ next lesson, the crafty boy, at his leisure, unfolded the parchment to check over it one last time before sending a copy to his father (oh, yeah, and before handing it in to Quirrel).
The Acromantula and its Ability to Eat the Most Gross, Repulsive Creatures on This Earth
By Draco Malfoy
The Acromantula is a very powerful magic animal that we study in Defence Against the Dark Arts. But the question is: Can it overcome the foulest, most inhuman and disturbingly disgusting creatures known to all of wizard kind? Let’s hope so.
Number ONE: H. J. Potter ‘the human Potty’
This is not a common variety of animal, as there is only one known to exist currently in the world. However, it is extremely repulsive and probably the worst living animal known to man.
Number TWO: R. W. Weasley ‘a Weasel… minus the brain and the looks’
Just as rare as animal number one, and almost as awful a creature. There are, however, many sub-species which are not as bad as this one, but pretty yucky none the less.
Number THREE: H. J. Granger ‘a cross between gofer and worm’
Very rare, and no subspecies are known to be as bad. Most of them are just useless and good for nothing. Like flobberworms. Yeah, every relation to the ‘H. J. Granger’ is equivalent to a flobberworm.
The History of these Vile Beasts “ ONE
A long time ago, when Draco Malfoy was only one, a great (and scary) wizard by the name of… of… by the name of V… by the name of Lord [censored]
was gaining power. He stood for a lot of different things, one being purity of blood. Another was himself. Anyway, this Dark Lord was finding and killing those who went against him. He killed people like the Bones family and the McKinnon family, who were working with the opposing side. You-Know-Who was, in short, winning the war with ease.
However, one day, he went after the Potter family: a couple and their son, who was and is the same age and grade as Draco. Well, the father, James Potter, was a blood traitor, a pathetic show-off, and an all around jerk, and the mother, Lily Evans Potter, was a useless mudblood, so the great wizard had no problem getting rid of them. Oddly, when You-Know-Who tried to kill their baby, Harry James Potter, who was probably a really scrawny, ugly and stupid baby who would never do the world any good anyway, it didn’t work. His curse, for some reason that has nothing to do with bravery or intelligence on any of the Potters’ parts, backfired, and You-Know-Who was rendered weak and powerless, with no body or anything.
For the next 10 years, Draco Malfoy, an intelligent, delicately good looking, skilled Quidditch player and all around gifted child was growing up with his parents in the Malfoy Manor, a huge, splendid house passed down for generations, and with the intricate details of a palace (that a Weasley would have to go starving for a month before being able to even touch). Harry James Potter continued along the path he had taken since birth and had grown into an even more ridiculous, muggle-loving, supremely untalented disgrace to wizard kind with his muggle relations.
When Potter turned eleven, a giant oaf called Hagrid, who was gamekeeper at Hogwarts and had been for a long time, because he was too pitifully dense and hopeless to get a better job that actually required brains, turned up and took him off to get ready for Hogwarts, because, being raised by filthy muggles, Potter probably didn’t even know Hogwarts existed.
The day Potter and the servant went to Diagon-Alley, he was fortunate to meet the very talented, far more sophisticated Draco Malfoy in Madam Malkin’s Robes for All Occasions. Throughout the encounter, Potter’s thickness became painfully obvious. Thankfully, probably because of his weedy, scraggy, ugly frame, it didn’t take long for Potter to get some plain, boring, unflattering and cheap robes and get out of that place before poor Draco wretched.
Unfortunately, that was not the last anyone saw of Potter. On September 1st, he managed to get to the Hogwarts Express on time, despite the fact that it was surprising that, with his little brainpower, he was even able to read his watch… or his ticket. On the train was probably where he first met The Weasel and The Mudblood. Draco Malfoy, at insistence from his father, Lucius Malfoy, attempted a small alliance with Potter, who proved his idiocy even more completely by rejecting, and running off with ‘the Weasel’ instead.
Question: Could Beast Number ONE Be Consumed by an Acromantula?
Answer: YES, and I encourage it. Given the weakness, pathetic and idiotic nature and helplessness of the H. J. Potter, it would be very easy to capture and so consume. However, given the really disgusting nature of this animal, I would suggest adding a lot of sugar, garlic, onion or simply finding a way to dissolve it in water first.
The History of these Vile Beasts “ TWO
When Potty was on the train when he first came to Hogwarts, his first pack-mate was the Weasel.
The Weasel (Weasley) was born a bit before Potter, into a family full of red-heads, known as the Weasleys. His father was, perhaps, even more pathetic than the aforementioned James Potter, with a dead-end job, no sense of Wizarding pride and an almost (or totally “ I’ll look into it) inhuman love for muggles. His mother was a big woman like a pumpkin “ in fact; she was like a pumpkin in every way, except a pumpkin:
1. Is smaller and has a less dramatic length; width ratio
2. Is at least 23% more intelligent
3. Has no children
It was also born with many siblings.
The Weasel was, to the surprise of anyone who had half a brain and could see that Potter didn’t, even stupider than Potter himself. His intelligence could be compared, unfavourably, to that of Draco Malfoy’s… err, friends, Gregory Goyle and Vincent Crabbe, who probably weren’t able to tell the difference between the Weasel and Potter for several months. He was also, although this seemed impossible as well, more ugly than Potty. He had horrible red hair, big ears, and freckles all over his dumbstruck face, which added up to make it look like it was an overcooked, undesirable and mushy carrot. The Weasel’s nose was half as big as the rest of his head (and about a hundred times bigger than his brain), and he was tall and skinny like a half-starved monkey.
Question: Could Beast Number TWO Be Consumed by an Acromantula?
Answer: Absolutely, but the Acromantula had better take the most stringent measures to block out the taste and smell. If it has a weak stomach, then I’d say it hasn’t a chance.
The History of these Vile Beasts “ THREE
Not a lot can be deciphered about Beast three “ at least by any self respecting wizard, which I am. However, she was raised by muggles, and that should be explanation enough if you’re well educated.
The mudblood (Granger) didn’t even manage to make friends with Carrot-Top and Boy Wonder on the train, which was saying something. She had an overgrown rat for hair and front teeth like a hungry rabbit. The one thing to be said for the mudblood (as this is remaining completely unbiased and any small, insignificant good things must be added also) was that she had a decent memory. She probably read every book twenty times until it penetrated her skull before school. However, the truth remains that all she is, and ever has been is an insufferable, bigheaded, know-it-all mudblood.
Of course, even the most low, pond-scum creatures are good enough for Beasts ONE and TWO, so Granger gained access to their little dream team around Halloween.
Question: Could Beast Number THREE Be Consumed by an Acromantula?
Answer: Yes, easily. But I really don’t think any self-respecting Acromantula would bother “ it’s not worth it, and they’d get a dirty taste in their mouths for months afterwards. So, the dissolving in water; maybe adding in some fire whiskey is a good idea.
In conclusion, the Acromantula is a vicious, powerful animal, and, although the foulest, most inhuman and disturbingly disgusting creatures in the world are truly terrible to meet, see or even hear of, they are not necessarily strong enough to escape the creature. Nor, in fact, smart enough to try as the case may be. There was a note on the back of Draco’s essay from Snape.
Draco: Unfortunately, Professor Quirrel may deem some points of your essay inappropriate. However, you have used very vivid descriptions and argued legitimate points. Try to veer away from using words like ‘yucky’ and ‘gross’. Perhaps consider ‘density’, or ‘dim-witted’ or even such phrases as ‘lack of wit or mental ability’ instead. I would like to suggest adding in how very ugly James Potter was and the disadvantages of the ‘Potter gene’, as well as how untalented at potions Beast One, Beast Two and Beast Three are. Keep up the good work. Smirking, the intelligent, good looking, talented and humble Draco Malfoy stored his essay in his bag.
The next day, a boy called Harry Potter wondered what was so funny to make all the Slytherins laugh at the top of their voices when Professor Snape expressed a wish that all the Beasts in this class would, for the sake of the goodness and purity of the souls of the children, not to mention his poor head, try out the Beautification Potion sitting in his stores.
The EndSo… aye. There it is. My fourth submission to MNFF, my third one-shot, my second humour fic, my second story set in the past, and my third submitted story from the point of view of a character I’m not crazy about. Makes you think, doesn’t it? (Everyone except me: No…) Anyway, thanks very much for reading, and if you leave a review, I will love you forever.