Harry awoke and moaned heavily. It was a Tuesday, his worst day of the week. He had Potions, Care of Magical Creatures and History of Magic, his three least favourite subjects, all to look forward to. He exchanged grimaces with Ron, who shared his dislike of Tuesdays, and they dressed in grumpy silence before heading down to breakfast.

Breakfast itself was a morose affair, with few students seeming inclined to talk, and Harry was about to trudge down to Snape’s dungeon when he spotted a new notice on the board.

Quidditch Players
If you would like your broomstick polished, see Cho Chang
(Ravenclaw House) who for one day only is offering this service
free of charge.

Harry read the notice three times, and not only because it referred to Cho. This was a highly unusual notice for Hogwarts, and on top of that there was something funny about its wording. Harry was sure it wasn’t just he and Ron who made crude broomstick jokes. The whole thing had to be a nasty prank – yet who would do that to Cho? She was too popular to be picked on like that, surely?

Harry’s fists clenched. It had to be Malfoy at the bottom of this: it could only be Malfoy. He was about to tear the notice down when he heard a voice at his shoulder.

“So, Harry ... are you down yet?�

It was Cho. Harry’s heart skipped a beat and he blushed crimson, as happened whenever Cho came near.

“Um ... not yet ... erm, it’s really you? I mean, er, you’re saying you’ll tidy my broom up a bit?�

“Oh yes,� she cooed. “Certainly, last time I saw it, your handle really needed a good stroke with a rag.�

Cho was smiling softly, but didn’t react at all to the smirk on Harry’s face. He couldn’t understand this – it was like a dream, one of those he would not share with Ron, but he definitely wasn’t asleep. He was about to ask Cho if she felt ok, but she had already started talking to someone else. Realising he was late for Potions, Harry had to run.

Snape seemed in an exceptionally foul mood, perhaps hung over from a potion of his own concoction, and it was halfway through the lesson before Harry had any chance at all to whisper to Ron and Hermione. His story didn’t go down well: both hissed words to the effect that he had better stop fantasising about that girl and come back to the real world. Harry glumly carried on with his work, feeling mistrusted for the thousandth time in his short life. There was something wrong with Cho, clearly. Or was there something wrong with him?

He kept his eyes skinned for Cho during morning break, but there was only Crabbe making obscene gestures with a test tube he had stolen from the Potions class. Malfoy wasn’t impressed, however.

“Don’t let Snape see you with that,� he snapped at Crabbe, “or he’ll get Greek on your arse.�

Surely he means “medieval�, thought Harry to himself. Normally this ignorance of Malfoy’s would have him in stitches, but there was something odd about it, something a little too close to Cho’s strange behaviour for comfort. Nevertheless, he knew this would get even shorter shrift from Ron and Hermione, so resolved to keep quiet.

Care of Magical Creatures passed without incident, but on the way back to the castle Harry noticed Neville walking alone, so decided to be friendly and talk with him. Neville seemed pleased and quite as normal, until Harry made a joke about the Blast-Ended Screwts from last year.

“Oh, I don’t know,� said Neville, looking worried. “I’d quite like to blast my end off in public, wouldn’t you?�

Right. That was it. Cho and Malfoy could possibly have innocent explanations for what they’d said, but Neville was a different matter, especially as he seemed totally unaware of what he’d just said. Harry made his excuses, then went to find Ron and Hermione.

“So let me get this straight,� said Ron, looking unconvinced. “You’re saying that people are suddenly making rude jokes for no reason?�

“That’s about it, yeah,� said Harry, apologetically. It sounded feeble, even to him.

“What do you think, Herm?� asked Ron.

“Well,� Hermione began, hesitantly. “I would say you were going mad, Harry. But this sounds just a tiny bit familiar, somehow.� She frowned. “I must have seen something on it in the library, but I really can’t remember what.�

She paused, then seemed to have decided something.

“Tell you what, Harry,� she went on. “How about if we all go round speaking to different people and meet back here in twenty minutes? We can see for ourselves if something really is going on.�

Harry agreed, and the three friends split up.

Of course, now Harry was listening out for innuendoes, he couldn’t find any. However, there was something else, which stopped him thinking he actually had gone mad. Quite a few people did seem oddly dazed and vague, more than was usual at this stage of the term. Meeting Hermione and Ron again, he was pleased to find that they had both noticed this too.

“I’m not sure about innuendoes though, mate,� said Ron. “I mean, Katie Bell said something about eating out, but I think they were discussing the next trip to Hogsmeade.�

“Well, I believe you, Harry,� said Hermione, with unexpected force. “Professor Sprout was going round asking everyone if they’ve trimmed their bushes ready for tomorrow’s lesson, which I think settles it.�

“So you mean ...� began Ron.

“... that teachers are affected too?� Hermione finished. “Yes, and it looks like we’ll be affected before long as well.�

“What now then?� asked Harry.

“There’s no time to lose!� exclaimed Hermione. “Ron – go to Madam Pomfrey and tell her what’s happening. Harry and I will go the library – join us there when you’re done.�

“But we’ll miss ...� Ron protested.

“Oh RON!� Hermione said with frustration. “Lessons don’t matter at a time like this. Come on!�

Harry followed, impressed at Hermione’s new sense of perspective. They didn’t get far, however, before a familiar voice stopped them in their tracks.

“Well, well, well,� sneered Snape. “Potter and Granger, out of lessons yet again.�

“Something the matter, Professor Snape?� asked Professor McGonagall, who had been just behind them.

“Yes,� sneered Snape. “These two are once more flouting Hogwarts rules. They,� he said with sudden fury, but looking directly at Hermione’s chest, “are the most troublesome pair I have ever come across.�

Harry and Hermione looked at each other, then both frantically tried to explain to Professor McGonagall.

“Innuendo?� she mused, in a suddenly dreamy voice. “Don’t be ridiculous, Hairy. Get back to Transcopulation class.�

Harry and Hermione ran for the library, leaving Snape and McGonagall staring vacantly at each other. The library was almost deserted. Hermione went straight for the Restricted Section and began searching with near manic intensity. She rifled through indexes, hurling books away in a manner that normally would be anathema to her. Harry was impressed, but rather scared at what this must mean.

Within minutes Hermione had found what she was looking for. It was not, as Harry might have expected, an ancient, dusty tome, but a modern journal entitled “Spells in Development, 1994�. She turned to a section marked “Viral Curses�, and propped up the book for them both to read.

Stupifactalis Innuendois:

Expected date of completion: 2005

As with other viral curses, this is a safe method of disabling a large number of wizards or muggles. It focuses the victim’s subconscious mental and magical abilities on the sole task of creating and delivering sexual innuendoes, which gradually takes over the victim’s entire mind, causing them to become confused, then to lose verbal recognition, then within hours to enter a zombie-like, defenceless state. Once one person is infected, the curse quickly spreads around a one mile radius. It eventually wears off of its own accord, or can be treated with Rubenscens Potion. Until the final spell is developed, it will be hard to predict susceptibility, but it is thought that those who have known less innuendo in their lives will be able to resist the curse longer.

“Are you thinking what I’m thinking?� asked Hermione.

“That this is Voldemort’s work, and he’s going to attack Hogwarts tonight if we can’t stop it?� said Harry.

“That’s it,� said Hermione. “At least I know how to make Rubenscens Potion, so if I can just ...�

At that moment Ron entered.

“It’s all over the school,� he said. “I tried to explain to Madam Pomfrey, but she was asking Cho if she’d had a check-up recently, and then Cho looked puzzled and said “No, I think he was Spanish.� No-one could understand me, so I came back here. Have you had better luck?�

Harry and Hermione showed him the page and told him of their fears.

“Bloody hell,� Ron breathed.

“Ron!� Hermione exclaimed. “Don’t swear so much! I don’t swear ... well, only when it slips out ...�

“Oh no,� groaned Harry. “Not you too, Hermione! We needed you to make the potion.�

“What’s the matter?� said Ron, as if he hadn’t been listening. “We can do it, can’t we, Harry? I’m sure we’ll get the right potion in the end. I can just whisk it up and see if it explodes...�

Harry groaned again. His two best friends, his best hopes, unable to help him. Yet he still wasn’t affected. Who else might be able to help? Dumbledore! Surely this silly curse couldn’t get to him. Harry ran out of the library and along the corridors to the stone gargoyle outside Dumbledore’s office. On the way he saw staff and students alike wandering around aimlessly. Many of the boys were holding brooms or wands between their legs and rubbing them hard; many of the girls were holding Bludgers or other round objects in front of their chests.

“Sherbert!� Harry said, but nothing happened. The password had changed. This was a very bad sign – it looked like the curse had taken hold here as well. Harry willed himself to think. If the curse was behind the password, it had to be some kind of smutty synonym.

“Boobs!� he shouted. “Knockers! Jugs! Cannons!�

Nothing.

“Bristols! Bazookas! Bazoomas! Bongos!�

Nothing.

“Bouncers!� he yelled.

The door opened. Harry followed the steps up to Dumbledore’s office. He noticed at once that the portraits of former headmasters had changed into large prints of saucy seaside postcards.

“Hello Harry,� said Dumbledore, looking at him curiously over the tops of his half-moon glasses. “You look a little queer. Professor Snape said he’d sent you here, but I’m surprised he didn’t take you up the back passage – it’s much quicker. Now I know you have your pride, Harry, but you’re just going to have to kneel before Snape and swallow it, I’m afraid.�

Harry ran back down the stairs, unable to take any more, and almost collided with Ginny. It must have been raining outside, as she was soaking wet. She had her robes over one arm, and was wearing just a white shirt and short black skirt. Mechanically Harry began to explain to her about the curse, but unlike everyone else she actually seemed to understand.

“Ok, Harry, stay calm,� she said reassuringly. “I’m sure we can make this potion between us, just let me get changed and I’ll meet you in the library.� She looked bashful but normal.

“But before you go,� Ginny added, now tugging at the bottom of her shirt to pull it taut over her front, “there are a couple of points I want to make clear to you.�

DAMN! It wasn’t her fault, but she’d cruelly fooled him. Worse than that, or he tried to tell himself it was worse, unlike most innuendoes people were making Ginny was quite definitely delivering on hers. Whether he would have carried on looking or not, however, he never knew, as at that moment he heard a scream. He turned round and saw Hermione, who was being attacked by Crookshanks. The cat was clawing and scratching her knees, making nasty cuts. Harry tried to pull the animal off, but with no success. Suddenly he thought of Hagrid – he would be able to tame Crookshanks, and surely he was too tough to be affected by the curse?

Harry ran out of the castle gates and made for Hagrid’s cabin. Hagrid was outside, a rooster that had apparently been Transfigured to about four times its natural size perching on the fence behind him. Harry’s heart sank – somehow he knew what was coming.

“’ello ‘arry!� called Hagrid cheerfully. “’ave you seen my enormous cock?�

There was no question – the innuendoes were getting worse.

“Hagrid, please!� pleaded Harry. “Crookshanks is attacking Hermione’s legs!�

“Well, you’ll just ‘ave teh try and get between them,� continued Hagrid implacably.

Harry ran back to the castle, now seriously out of breath. Hermione was looking very vacant, and had scratch marks all over her legs, but at least Crookshanks had vanished – evidently the situation changed once the requisite innuendo had been made. Harry sat down, exhausted, and tried to think. Why was he not affected – why was it always him? And then it dawned on him: he had the Dursleys to thank. Eleven years of utterly solid, dull, middle-class respectability had given him a certain resistance to innuendo. But even he must succumb before long, and he had no chance of making the potion all on his own. He needed someone – just one other person would give him and Hogwarts a chance. Who else might have immunity? Suddenly inspiration struck. That was who he had to find!

Harry began searching the corridors and classrooms. The others seemed even more out of it now, many just feebly pumping their fists (the boys) or wiggling their hips (the girls). Professor Binns floated past him, declaiming “Virtue is no horn-maker,� to all and sundry.

“It’s there somewhere, I can’t quite spot it,� muttered Harry to himself. He had never been able to understand Professor Binns.

At last he spotted his possible saviour: Luna Lovegood.

“Hi, Harry,� she said in a voice that was dreamy, but hardly unusual for her.

Harry felt he had to be absolutely sure.

“I’d like an innuendo, please,� he said, and paused. If Luna answered “Well, I’ll give you one,� they were finished.

She stared blankly for a moment, then said “I’m sorry, I don’t know what you mean, Harry.�

Checking for innuendo ... none found! He could have hugged her. Yet again he did his best to explain the situation, but this time there was an unexpected difficulty: Luna hadn’t the faintest idea what an innuendo was. Harry looked round wildly for an example, and noticed Ginny wandering past, still very wet. He grabbed her hand and pulled her across to Luna.

“In your dreams, Ginny,� he asked, “do I have a large part?�

Silence. Harry tried a couple of other lines, and some cues like “strip poker� and, appropriately, “wet t-shirt�, but nothing happened. Ginny had lost all verbal recognition. Increasingly frantic, he kissed her hand, then her cheek, but still nothing.

Harry paused. Clearly these were nowhere near saucy enough. Well, he wasn’t going to kiss her anywhere else, not for this, but his next idea wasn’t easy to justify. Still, desperate times and so forth...

He reached round and firmly pinched Ginny’s bottom, shaking a little as he felt her smooth, delicate flesh between his fingers. It was the right move, as Ginny suddenly looked more lively.

“You know,� she murmured, “I always said you had a pinch of greatness about you,� then relapsed into silence.

It took several explanations, with Harry getting more and more embarrassed, but at last Luna seemed to understand both sides of Ginny’s comment. They trooped back to the library, and eventually found the recipe for Rubenscens Potion in a volume entitled “Things too Useful to Teach to Students�.

“This is quite fun, isn’t it?� said Luna, as if they had all the time in the world. “So, what do we need?�

“Well,� said Harry, scanning the list of ingredients, “it looks like we have to use innuendo’s natural enemy. That is to say: Euphemism. We need ...

1 parson’s nose
1 bun in the oven
1 bust – of Napoleon
A one-eyed snake
And 3 unmentionables

... well, that’s helpful,� he said bitterly, looking at the last item.

“Oh, I don’t think it’s all that difficult,� replied Luna. “Just think – what are the only common things that don’t exist in any of your adventures?�

“Umm ... toilets? No, we have those ... and we have hormones as well, so I guess we’re not missing anything anatomically ... Underpants? No, I saw Snape’s in the Pensieve ...�

“You’re getting close,� said Luna.

“Got it!� exclaimed Harry. “Bras!�

“Exactly!� Luna replied. “We witches don’t seem to wear much except robes and cloaks, and we know hardly anything about Muggle clothes, but did you seriously think we play Quidditch, liberate house-elves and battle He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named without support?�

“No, I suppose not,� said Harry, suddenly a lot wiser. “But I’m not allowed to go up to the girls’ dormitories. Unless ...�

He raised his wand, politely pointing it well away from Luna, and shouted “Accio Bras!�.

There was a great sound of snapping and popping, followed by a whoosh, then Harry was pelted with what seemed like a mountain of bras, all different shapes, sizes and colours.

“Very good, Harry,� said Luna, a little dryly, “but we only need 3 of them. And I did kind of mean you to get ones that weren’t being worn at the time.�

“Uh, yeah – sorry,� said Harry, still disentangling hooks from his ears.

“Ok, shall we go down to Snape’s store cupboard for the other things then?� asked Luna.

“Yeah, he’s bound to have all that stuff,� said Harry. “But I think it’ll be safer if we wear the Invisibility Cloak. We can go down together, and then get it off in Snape’s cupboard...�

“Are you all right, Harry?� asked Luna, looking at him narrowly.

Now she came to mention it, he did feel different. The feeling was strange yet wonderful. It was the 1950s, and he was a comedian on the end of Morecambe Pier. He was supposed to be a family entertainer, but he’d had a rather over-generous brandy before going onstage, and now he was going to give his audience the works ...

———

Harry awoke to the sound of cheers and clapping. He was in the Great Hall, resting on cushions. Nearly all the school seemed to be there, either standing around in small groups or sitting up on cushions of their own. Ron and Hermione rushed up to him. Hermione threw her arms around him, and Ron shook his hand warmly. With many interruptions and explanations, Harry managed to get the rest of the story out of them.

It appeared that he had indeed fallen under the curse, but had resisted it long enough that Luna, the last person left, knew exactly what to do. She had mixed up a cauldron of the potion, and had used it first of all to revive Professor Dumbledore. Between them they had then turned the Great Hall into a temporary hospital, and had successfully treated the other staff and students, those who revived first assisting the operation. Harry had been the last to recover.

He spotted Luna sitting quietly in the corner, looking dreamy as ever but just slightly pleased with herself, and ran over to congratulate her.

“Oh, it was nothing,� she said modestly. “It’s just lucky I wasn’t affected. Must be because I’m so strange, mustn’t it?� she added, with that uncomfortable honesty of hers.

“Ladies and Gentlemen,� rang out Dumbledore’s voice, “we have, as I’m sure you’ve realised, been saved from a terrible fate. Another hour and the school would have been utterly defenceless. Let me assure all of you that the staff and I will be taking measures to ensure that this evil curse can never enter Hogwarts again.�

All applauded, except the Slytherins.

“And as I’m sure you’ve also discovered by now, we have been saved only by the wit, courage and resourcefulness of two of our number: Harry Potter and Luna Lovegood.�

There were more scowls from Malfoy and his gang, and more cheers from everyone else. Harry was pleased, but felt Hermione deserved credit too.

“So I think it’s only fair,� Dumbledore continued, “to award the houses of Gryffindor and Ravenclaw a large number of points. So many, in fact, as to render everyone else’s hard work through the year a complete waste...�

The Slytherins looked mutinous. But someone had her hand in the air. It was Cho Chang.

“Er, Professor,� she began tentatively, “sorry to interrupt, but I’ve got this strange feeling that something’s missing.�

“So have I!� piped up Ginny. “Only I can’t quite put my finger on it...�

“As a matter of fact, so have I,� added Professor McGonagall.

Within moments every female in the room was shifting uncomfortably and fiddling with her shoulders. The only exception was Luna, who looked utterly serene, and gave Harry a look that said “I told you so�.

“Um, Professor,� Harry said, “might I be excused? I’ve just remembered, I , er...�

He set his sights on the door and began to run.