The Secret Diary of Pugnatious Weasley

Thursday 18th February, 1918

Good Morrow, dear reader. If you are reading this, you have found the diary of Pugnatious Aramor Weasley. As to how you found this diary I have no idea as I’ve decided to toss the ruddy thing as soon as I become famous for fear that this incriminates me in any fashion. Unless I haven’t become famous in which cause that ruddy well blows doesn’t it? Ah well, moving on.

Today is the last day of my apprenticeship to Colin Prince, a Potions master of high renown. Of course it was my father’s idea, insisting I must take up a trade. Why Potions you ask? That’s a good question! I’ll tell you why. Just because once or twice while cooking for my dear old family I ‘accidentally’ turned my baby brother and sister into puppies. Did they believe it was an accident? Oh no, heaven forbid I do anything like that by accident. So what if it’s happened before? If they got me a dog when I was growing up it might not have happened, who knows?

Now dear old Master Prince is a likeable enough fellow. Jet black hair and a bit greasy looking if you ask me, but quite pleasant enough at the start of my apprenticeship. I remember the first day I showed up. He took one look at my red hair and freckles and smiled a little. He went to school with my father and they got along pretty well. His face did take on an interesting shade of pink when he realized I’d left my pants at home. I mean come on! It was seven in the ruddy morning. Decent wizards did not wake up at that hour.

After a rather long lecture on what items in his apothecary to touch and what to stay away from, (I vaguely remember something about keeping the Magical Venus Fly plant close to his rare and exotic insect collection, or wait, was it keep it away from? Ah, doesn’t matter), he allowed me inside. I must say it was interesting to say the least. Things bubbling and brewing, colorful gases. It reminded me of dinner at home for some reason, especially the colorful gases. By the way, Dad, if you’re reading this, that ‘gas’ that you, um, ‘released’ after dinner that night, putting the color in it was little Genevieve’s idea, not mine. She’s a natural that one.

Where was I? Oh yes. The explosion in the apothecary. Now again, it was absolutely not my fault. One day Master Prince asked me to mix a very simple Draught of Tranquility. This was supposed to help a customer sleep soundly because his wife had a snore that could wake a hibernating bear. Since he refused to try my suggestion, (he really huffed up saying ‘oh, I think I’d rather she kept her nose attached thank you very much’, well fine, no more advice from me), I went about making the Draught. Now I had not gone to the market the day before because it was a beautiful day and I went fishing, so I was out of the Eucalytus leaf we needed. Well, what has a nice smell that I could substitute I thought? Why Hair of a Wombat that’s what! So I threw a dash in. Now I saw that the potion was not coming out blue at all, so I threw in my secret ingredient, Blue Food Coloring. Voila! It looked perfect! Well the patient went back home and tried it. The next day, he came back covered from head to toe in luxurious brown wombat hair. I commented on how dashing he looked. Master Prince turned an awful purple color that I’m sure did nothing for his blood pressure. How did this cause an explosion you might ask? Well because he didn’t trust me to brew the cure for our customer, I had to separate Brazil Nuts from their shells. Anyone who knows how to do this knows it’s a tedious process trying to pry that ruddy shell open.

It occurred to me that a small firecracker would do the trick. Using my master theory of extrapolation, ‘what would work small should work big’, I decided that a box of firecrackers would shell the entire barrel of nuts! Brilliant! So I grabbed my box of firecrackers which I had bought from Mr. Chin’s Fireworks and Dragon Supplies Depot. (I hear he’s closing down his shop in Diagon Alley, pity really)

Now was there any way for me to know that Master Prince was at that time working with a methane gas to create the Draught of Patience? For some reason he had begun drinking a lot of that when I was around. I wonder if it had anything to do with the increasing number of grey hairs I notice he’s growing?

So anyway, I lit the firecrackers and got the ruddy hell out of Dodge. Out in the street it was a lovely sunny day by the way. Then, whoomp! The firecrackers went off and seemed to ignite the methane gas as well. It made a hollow thumping noise which is not what I pictured at all. Master Prince stood there in what seemed to be shock. His hair had turned a fantastic red color. Which I promptly told him was a huge improvement. He did not take it very well. I really don’t see what’s so bad about having red hair? And his eyebrows will grow back in time I’m sure!

I noticed after that Master Prince’s face had this weird thing were his right eye would twitch a little bit when I showed up for work every day. Weird huh?

His hair was unable to change back from red after that. Nothing he tried worked.
I thought that maybe adding the Wart of a Blackworm and an Eyelash from a Sun Phoenix to the Potion would turn his hair back black. After I slipped it in there, (He did not want me touching his potions, but I had to help didn’t I?), he came back in mumbling something and drank the potion. Well, needless to say I can’t be held responsible for what happened. I mean he added way more ingredients than I did to that drink! When he stepped outside his skin started to sizzle just a little bit. With a yelp he dashed back inside and glared at me. Me? I put on my best angelic expression and proclaimed my innocence. His hair was back to being black he should be glad! But no, harping on about being allergic to the sun now. You try and help a guy out you know?

I know that Master Prince talked to my father after that, and I was given a recommendation to get a job at the Council of Magic. This does not excite me very much. It sounds awfully boring to be frank, and I keep hearing stories about the exciting adventures I could be having across in America! Why, my Cousin just built a home in Salem Massachusetts and invited me to visit! I think I will. Master Prince has been a great teacher, I really did learn a lot, but he’s gotten rather grumpy in his old age. Who knew someone could change so much in just five weeks? I swear if men had menopause he went through it awfully fast. I can’t recall the last time I saw him smile.

The day I told him I was leaving though, he actually danced! Can you believe it? He was so happy for me to be starting my adventures! That’s a great feat considering I accidentally dropped spleenwort in his gout cream that morning. I saw his legs were swollen to oh, roughly three times their size. So for him to jump and dance and laugh. I mean the man was crying! He really would miss me. I hope his temperament improves, his baby daughter Eileen looks to be a real handful already.

I bade him farewell and hopped a ride on the Knights Wagon to Salem. A buddy of mine works as the conductor for the Wagon. I’m looking forward to my adventures in Salem.


Saturday 20th February 1918

Salem is dull.

There is no way around it, this village is terribly dull. When I read about the witch trials that ‘supposedly’ took place here so long ago, I thought to myself, ‘Pug, that place sounds like a hoot’. As it turns out, the whole burnings story was a lie, and in fact the entire town of Salem is made up of witches and wizards. Can you believe that? The ‘burnings’ was just a story so zealots and witch hunters would leave them alone. I mean its clever and all that, but the village itself has absolutely nothing of interest going on. People walk around merrily or laze around on porches.

I wonder how Master Prince is doing. Maybe I should send him an Owl.

We keep hearing news of the Muggle World War. That sounds awfully exciting. I should go take a look at that and see what it’s all about, and I would too, if not for that decree that wizards are absolutely not to go take a look and see what it’s all about. Did I mention how boring Salem is? I hear there’s a Goblin village a few miles outside of town. I haven’t seen a Goblin village in ever, and the only Goblins I’ve ever seen are in Gringotts. I’m definitely heading over there later today.



Monday 22nd February 1918


Ok, it was not my fault. These Goblins have very odd customs; you can’t really expect me to know everything? Let me tell you what really happened.

I strolled into the Goblin village yesterday and it was amazing. The houses were all stone and wood and so close together. So close together a grown person could hardly squeeze through an alleyway if he needed to make a quick getaway. More on that later.

So I’m walking down the street admiring the buildings. I’m watching a particularly tall green building when I accidentally bumped into a Goblin. I do know that Goblins are very well mannered folks, so I do my best bow and tell him.

‘Pardon me, good Sir; I did not see you there.’ Now I’m thinking I did a good job with that, but he didn’t think so. He gasped a little bit and I noticed a few other Goblins did as well. Not wanting to cause trouble, I tried to apologize further.

‘Obviously, Master Goblin, I should buy you a drink to make up for my mistake’ I flourished my biggest smile, and wouldn’t you know it that worked? The Goblin smiled at me and grabbed my arm and we walked off towards a building I assumed was the nearest liquor establishment. It however was not. It was a Justice of the Peace.
I thought I was going to be charged for something! A small crowd had begun to gather there and as it turns out, my ‘he’ Goblin was in fact a ‘she’ Goblin. Well how was I supposed to know that? They all wear the same robes you know. Not only that but apparently the courting ritual of the Goblins includes shoving your desired mate and offering to buy her a Fire whisky afterwards. I of course was in a bit of shock about all this.

On a side note, aren’t different cultures fascinating?

When I managed to find my voice again, I told ‘her’ that I couldn’t be expected to marry her, she’s a Goblin after all, and I’m a Wizard. It would never work out. Although, I have to admit that if you squinted your eyes really hard she did kind of look like Morgana Nott, this Slytherin girl from Hogwarts I knew. This seemed to cause some sort of ruckus. I have no idea why. I heard something about ‘being outrageous’ and ‘besmirched honor’. I had had just about enough of this, so I apparated back outside the building and, well, I’m not ashamed to say I ran. I ran like a horse thief from a herd of Centaurs.

As it turns out, while running, I accidentally knocked over a barrel of ale that had been left standing on the sidewalk. Now honestly, why leave something like that right out there in the open where honest citizens might fall over it. As I fell some of it got into my eyes. That stuff burns! So, I whipped out my wand and tried to remember the spell to flush out your eyes. It was either Inocculo or Incendio. Well I chose Incendio and flames leaped out of my wand and ignited the ale on the ground. I scrambled up and continued to run.

Now I did mention how close those buildings were right? Apparently while they were built of stone, they also had a lot of wood in between. When I turned around the whole village was ablaze. If you ever have a chance to see a village burning, I recommend it, it was an amazing sight.

When I arrived back at Salem, I heard from my cousin that the Goblins had declared war on the wizards for some insult incurred, and that all Goblins the world over will join them. Wow, it’s a good thing I got out of that Goblin village before they heard about the War.

Well, seeing as Salem was a little close to a Goblin village and a Goblin insurrection was brewing, I decided to travel the world a bit more. I have a friend who is going on a tour of Egypt. I think I’ll meet him there. I’m really looking forward to Egypt!

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