Summary: Fourteen months after leaving Hogwarts, Sirius takes it upon himself as a seasoned veteran of love to educate a "naïve" Remus on the dark, inner workings of the female mind when the former receives a letter from a girlfriend demanding his time. Pointless, yes, but Erik enjoys procrastinating.
Categories: Marauder Era Characters: None
Warnings: None
Challenges: Series: None
Chapters: 1
Completed: Yes
Word count: 1084
Read: 1743
Published: 02/10/06
Updated: 02/10/06
1. The Importance of Being Single by erikthephantom
The Importance of Being Single by erikthephantom
Remus glanced up at Sirius over the mound of papers separating them. They were fourteen months into their training for the Order and all they and the other Marauders had been doing lately was filling out surveys which hearkened to their N.E.W.T.s. The latter’s brow was furrowed and he seemed in deep concentration, but Remus knew better. He waited a moment longer, watching Sirius brush a piece of black hair out of his eyes. “Aren’t you going to write back?” he finally asked.
Sirius’s mouth twitched. “Mm?”
A grin tugged at Remus’s mouth. “You know what I’m talking about.”
“Sorry?” Sirius said in mock distraction. Remus only raised an eyebrow, causing Sirius to sigh and abandon the pretence of working. “Nah. It’s not important.”
“I bet she thinks it is,” Remus answered matter of factly.
“See, that’s what I like about you, Moony,” Sirius smiled, obviously trying to change the subject. “You’re so innocent.”
Instead of that being the final word, however, it only succeeded in making Remus abandon his work, which he'd actually been doing. “Oh yeah? How so?” he demanded.
“Alright,” Sirius countered, sitting back on his chair's back legs. “You think that just because she wrote me a letter means she cares about whether or not I respond.”
Remus blinked at him. “First of all, that made absolutely no sense, and second…yes it does. You've been dating her for how long?”
“No, my little single friend, it does not matter. It’s just one of those things about women you’ll never understand.”
Remus shrugged, but not in defeat. “Don’t give me that, ‘Your funeral’ shrug, Remus,” Sirius said, leaning over the paperwork. “I know what I’m talking about.”
“I didn’t say anything-”
“You never do verbally, but it’s obvious what you’re thinking.”
“Always?”
“Well…no. Rarely. But when you want it to it certainly shows.”
Remus simply raised his eyebrows and returned to his work. Sirius, however, was now genuinely flustered. “Hey now, I know what I’m talking about! D’you know how many girls I’ve had in my short life time?”
“Yes,” Remus nodded. Sirius looked taken aback, so Remus added, “You tell me every time.”
“Oh. Right.” Sirius gave a little cough, glancing at an opened letter in front of him. “Get back to work, you slacker! D’you think Voldemort’ll wait for you to finish that test?”
Remus rolled his eyes. They worked for a few minutes in silence, Remus obviously more engrossed than Sirius, who was simply going through the motions. At last he could stand it no longer.
“I could tell you exactly how a woman’s mind works!”
Remus sighed. “I actually was trying to work-”
“I’ve dated every kind of girl there is and when they send you a note like this they don’t care if you send one back. They’re hanging on you and can’t let go.”
“Thanks, Sirius. Now let’s get back to this…”
But Sirius wasn’t finished. “I feel it’s my duty to educate you in this subject, Remus. One of these days you might meet a young lady who catches your fancy and you have to know how to act!”
“I’m sure I’ll get by.”
“But you’re wrong! You know what you’re problem is?” Sirius asked, shoving the stack of papers aside.
“A wise jackass once told me that Voldemort wouldn’t wait for me to finish-”
“Your problem,” Sirius continued, plucking Remus’s quill from his fingers, “is that you’re too innocent.”
Remus stared at him for a moment. “Didn’t you just say that you-”
Sirius waved his hand. “Not important what I said. Live in the present. Now, you’re too damned naïve, Moony. A woman is a dependant creature who feeds off of us strong men. Take Lily and James for example. Who’s in charge of that relationship?”
“Lily,” Remus shrugged.
Sirius blinked at him. “Yes, well, we’ve always known James is too weak.”
“But I thought they were the example…?”
“The example of an uncommon relationship,” Sirius said quickly, saving himself.
“Oh, I see,” Remus said with a grin.
“Stop grinning at me; I’m being serious…very Sirius,” he added with a satisfied glint in his grey eyes.
“And predictable,” Remus muttered.
“When you grow up, little Remus-”
“Come off it!” Remus laughed. “You’re how much older than me; four months?”
“Four months is a long time,” Sirius said, closing his eyes wisely. Remus snorted. “You sound like a horse,” Sirius scolded, offended.
Remus shrugged. “Better a horse than a mule.”
“Who’re you calling a mule?” Sirius asked threateningly, standing up. “I’d be willing to bet you money that I’m right and you’re wrong.”
“About what?”
“Women! What else?”
“About them being dependant and not caring if the relationship is on your terms?”
“Yeah. That.”
“How much?”
Sirius laughed. “Are you actually taking me up on this?”
“How much?” Remus repeated, Sirius not noticing him glance out the window.
“5 sickles,” Sirius grinned.
“Do you have that much?”
“I will when I win.”
Remus nodded. “You should open the window for that owl there, Sirius.”
“What owl…?” Sirius glanced around and, sure enough, a large tawny owl was pecking at the windowpane. Sirius opened it and took the owl’s outstretched leg, for tied to it was a red envelope with his name on it. The owl left as he looked for a moment at the letter, and then back over to Remus.
He was retrieving his quill from Sirius’s side of the desk.
“It’s a Howler…” Sirius gulped, all the bravado of a minute ago lost.
“You can pay me after you open it.”
Sirius nodded, and then threw the letter out the still open window. It exploded halfway to the ground, though the muffled shouts of Sirius’s girlfriend “ ex-girlfriend “ were heard inside.
Sirius stared down at the letter until it stopped yelling at him and had dissolved into the air. Only the scratching of Remus’s quill was heard. Sirius finally returned to his seat, bewildered, and picked up his own quill.
“And that, Moony, is the importance of being single,” he sighed, chucking 5 sickles across the desk.
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