Summary: A SPEWish
Covert Cupid for TheVanishingAct. Happy Valentine's Day, Professor Pat!
It's Seventh Year, and the new Headmaster has decreed that students must take some sort of course to fulfill the new Art Requirement. Our favourite characters have decided to take Drama. What kind of hilarity will ensue when the night of the first dress rehearsal arrives? Expect Hagrid as a Tree, Ron as Godric Gryffindor and Malfoy as the Amazing "Dancing" Ferret.
Ron/Luna, Prof. Pat/Hermione, Blaise/Himself
Categories: Humor Fics Characters: None
Warnings: None
Challenges:
Series: None
Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Word count: 1586 Read: 2106
Published: 02/13/06 Updated: 02/13/06
1. One Shot by QueenHal
Hogwarts: A Musical
“This is ridiculous,” a tall Seventh Year with a mop of red hair admonished over the din.
“Don't be silly, Ron,” cooed a plain girl with a Head Girl badge pinned to her chest, “I think you seem rather dashing.”
“I must agree with the lass, old chap, that you look absolutely spiffing.” That was his dark and rather pallid friend, with round spectacles and an annoyingly superior look.
“Oh bugger off, you lot! Just wait till you have to try yours on.”
“I'm quite content just looking at you, Ronnikins,” smirked the bespeckled boy as he clasped a hand on Ron's shoulder. The girl appeared on his other side, plastered with a similar cheeky grin.
“Besides,” she added, “this is so much more fun!”
The three of them stared at Ron's reflection in the mirror, unsure of whether to laugh outright or slink away, saving their giggles for later. The red head was attired head-to-toe in luminous red and gold fabric. It was a very puffy outfit, and gave the impression that Ron was quite rotund, when in fact, the effect was attributed to the enormous sleeves.
“I look like a bloody poofter!”
“Now, Ron,” the girl shamed, “Godric Gryffindor is admirable character to play!”
“Yeah that's right, mate. Not everyone was so... lucky.”
“You call this lucky?
“I call it dreamy,” whispered a voice from behind him. Ron tried to look over his shoulder to see, but he couldn't turn his head due to the extreme puffiness of his sleeves. From Harry's expression, however, whatever it was, it was something to see. But before he could see, a screeching noise sounded throughout the chamber, making the entire room gasp and cover their ears.
“Oops! Sorry about that, lads and lassies!” Tap tap. “Ahem, sorry. Anyway, our first dress rehearsal for Hogwarts: A Musical is about to begin! So if everyone who is already dressed could proceed to the, er, Great Hall, that would be marvelous.” Tap tap. “Is this thing on?”
“Man, just when you really need fuzzy pink earmuffs,” muttered Harry, who was still rubbing his ears.
“Honestly!” agreed Hermione. “Well Ron, you're the only one of us dressed, so be off with you! We'll be right along.”
With a push and a shove, the two friends got Ron through the door and out into the Great Hall. Once he was gone, they traded an exasperated look.
“Guess it's our turn now, eh Hermione?”
The Head Girl squared her shoulders and let out a rather overdone huff. “As long as we're done by the time Ron goes on for his first song.”
“Is Ron singing?” asked that same whispery voice from before. But the other two had already disapeared.
- - - - - - - - -
“Why don't I get to be Salazar Slytherin?” whined a boy with very very very very blonde hair, and a very very very very very whiny voice.
“Because you're a prat, and I look better in this outfit.”
“Bollocks.”
“And also, I look much better with my shirt off. Hate to break it to you, Malfoy, but you're really pale and flabby.”
“But,” Malfoy pouted, “it's not fair!”
“Never is,” the other boy said quietly in that raspy voice of his. “Besides, you've already got a part.” He held up a furry suit in one hand, and a big furry mask in the other. “You'll make an excellent pet ferret to Gryffindor!”
“Blaise. Why don't you take that ferret head and shove it up your””
- - - - - - - - -
CAST:
So exciting, The audience will stomp and cheer. So delighting, It will run for fifty years
So exciting, The audience will stomp and cheer. So delighting, It will run for fifty years
Spectacular, Spectacular. No words in the vernacular
Can describe this great event. You'll be dumb with wonderment
“Kick up your legs, Ron Weasley! Your pet ferret is managing quite nicely!”
So exciting, The audience will stomp and cheer. So delighting, It will run for fifty years
So exciting, The audience will stomp and cheer. So delighting, It will run for fifty years
“Better! Okay, from the top! One, and a two, and five, six, seven eight!
Spectacular, Spectacular!
“Can you believe it, Harry?” whispered Hermione excitedly. They were in the wings of the giant stage that had taken over a third of the Great Hall. “We actually made it to Dress Rehearsal! Who knew that 7th year would be so hard?”
“Who knew that using Drama for the new art requirement at Hogwarts would be so hard!”
No words in the vernacular
“It's not so bad Harry. Professor Pat is really great!”
“You're just saying that because you think he's, how did you put it, 'one fine specimen of a man'?”
Can describe this great event
“Now, honestly Harry! Where did you hear that?!”
“You wrote it all over the cover of Hogwarts: A History.”
“Did I? Oh, I did.”
You'll be dumb with wonderment
- - - - - - - - -
ROWENA:
Where are the simple joys of maidenhood?
Where are all those adoring daring boys?
Where's the knight pining so for me
he leaps to death in woe for me?
Oh where are a maiden's simple joys?
GODRIC: Right here, oh fair lady of Ravenclaw! It is I, Sir Godric! I am. . . I am. . . I. . .
“Ut oh,” whispered Hermione, “I think he just saw her.” Harry peered over his friend's shoulder.
“He can't have forgotten his line already! He wouldn't forget his lines over any old blondie.”
“Oh, please, it's Luna! He's always getting googley-eyed over her lately. And now it's messing him up because of her outfit.”
“Oh. . . Ohhhh. . . Oh!!! What do I do?”
“Well,” Hermione mused. “You're Merlin. Go in there and help him!”
“Are you kidding me!? No one can see me in this outfit.”
“Harry,” Hermione said seriously, “if anyone can save Ron from his terrible fate as a theatrical reject, it is you. Go!”
Harry nodded seriously. “In that case, I will go! Because I am the chosen one, and
MERLIN: I am here to save the day!
GODRIC: Er, hey Merlin, mate. Er, are you in this scene?
MERLIN: I am here to save the day!
GODRIC: Yeah, you said that.
MERLIN: I am here to save the day!
GODRIC: Can someone haul this head case out of here? He's interrupting my soliloquy!
MERLIN: I am here to save the day!
ROWENA: We could feed him to the Crumple Horned Snorkack?
GODRIC: No!
MERLIN: No!
(SALAZAR enters)
SALAZAR: Yes!
SALAZAR:
I know that your powers of retention
Are as wet as a warthog's backside
But thick as you are, pay attention
My words are a matter of pride
It's clear from your vacant expressions
The lights are not all on upstairs
But we're talking kings and successions
Even you can't be caught unawares
So prepare for a chance of a lifetime
Be prepared for sensational news
A shining new era
Is tiptoeing nearer
FERRET:
And where do we feature?
SALAZAR
Just listen to teacher
“Wait! Cut! Everything is going wrong!” the Professor wailed. Running out of the wings in distress, Hermione gave Prof. Pat a great hug.
“It's my fault, sir!” she cried. “I told Harry”Merlin”to protect Ron”Godric”against the prowess of Luna”Rowena.”
Ron looked on, confused. “Why should I need protecting? I've got my lucky tree at my back!” He pointed to the huge pine tree upstage left. Everybody looked. The tree waved back”or rather, Hagrid waved back, for Hagrid was actually the tree.
“Can someone explain to me why Hagrid is a tree?” asked Harry.
“Well, honestly Harry, Hagrid was too big to play the tumbleweed.”
“So, I see how it is. Hagrid gets to be a great and beautiful”not to mention protective”tree, and I'm just you're run-of-the-mill Merlin?”
“Now, now, Harry, there's no need to get frustrated! I'm sure you'd be a delightful tree! I just liked you better with a really pointy hat, instead of really pointy pine needles.”
Just then, everyone's thoughts were interrupted by the arrival of beautiful lady in a bright yellow ballgown.
“Someone said,” she told everyone in a very haughty voice, “that my song was next.”
“Did they now?” Ron said, backing away.
“Oh yes,” she said, coming closer. Suddenly, she brandished a knife.
“Lavender, don't,” Ron pleaded.
“This isn't about you, Won Won.” She raised the knife in the air. “This is about me! This is about Helga Hufflepuff's unrequited love for Godric Gryffindor! This is about how he never appreciated her love for him!”
HELGA: Which, is a perfect segue to:
He had it coming
He had it coming
He only had himself to blame.
If you'd have been there
If you'd have heard it
I bet that you would
Have done the same!
“Well,” Malfoy said to Blaise as they looked on, “after that, prancing around in a ferret costume doesn't seem so bad after all.”
Disclaimer: Besides the many references to the situations and characters created by JK Rowling, musical theatre references include:
Moulin Rouge
Camelot
The Lion King
Chicago
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.