(A/N: Hey! This fic was started by my friend and I in the wee hours of the night. That's why it's a little random.... Well, hope you enjoy it! Oh, and please review!)

Disclaimer: I don't own anything you recognize.

***UPDATE*** January 9, 2005:
This story is now being translated into Russian by Valeria. (Thank you so much for all of your hard work!) As of now, the first chapter is up. It's under her penname Voobrazulia on the site http://www.hogwartsnet.ru The direct link to the story is http://www.hogwartsnet.ru/fanf/ffshowfic.php?fid=8577 She has several other stories under the same penname as well. Enjoy!



Useful background info:
It’s early in the morning, but Harry can’t sleep. He decides to wake up and get ready for the thought process of the devious and evil plot de jour to terrorize the “extras�.


As Harry is about to change out of his pajamas, in comes Voldemort with a sudden poof.


***************************************************


Voldemort: *poof*


Harry: Hey! I’m trying to change here!


Voldemort: Well, first I must kill you!


Harry: Can I at least change out of these? I don’t want to die looking like this….


Voldemort: *looks down and sees that Harry is wearing pink, fluffy pajamas with little bunnies on the feet* Understandable.


Harry: Yeah, thanks!


Voldemort: *steps outside into the hall*


Aunt Petunia: *walks past and does a double-take* Hey! Who are you and what are you doing in my hallway?


Voldemort: I’m just here to kill Harry.


Aunt Petunia: *shrugs* Oh…alright! *keeps on walking*


Harry: I’m done!


Voldemort: Pssshhhh! Finally- *stops as he sees Harry with a sparkly pink hairbrush*


Harry: What? *looks worried*


Voldemort: You’re strange.


Harry: Oh, that hurts coming from an old, bald guy who tries to murder babies.


Voldemort: Point taken.


Harry: Thank you!


Voldemort: Hey! You called me bald! *looks astonished as he just realizes this*


Harry: Have you looked in the mirror lately? *mutters under his breath about the lack of attractiveness in the room at the moment*


Voldemort: Uhh…


Harry: * conjures mirror out of nowhere*


Voldemort: I thought you couldn’t do magic outside of school!


Harry: They gave a certain few permission just in case Voldemort or the Death Eaters attack. *realizes what he said just didn’t click, but brushes it aside anyway*


Voldemort: I see… *now knows that Harry is as dumb as he looks, but doesn’t bother to point this out*


Harry: oh, and speaking of bald- *stops mid-sentence as a magical cloud of dust fills the room*


Charlie Brown: *enters room with the magical cloud of dust*


Voldemort and Harry: But…what…huh?


Charlie Brown: *suddenly shrieks* Ahh! The Great Pumpkin!


The Great Pumpkin: Ahh! Short, little bald kid!


Charlie Brown and The Great Pumpkin: *suddenly scream once again, and start running as they are enveloped in another cloud of magical dust*


Magical Dust: *foof!*


Harry: What did we just witness?


Voldemort: I…have…no…idea…, but I think my I.Q. just dropped a few points.


Harry: *cough* negative 5 *cough*


Voldemort: What?


Harry: nothing…


Voldemort: Yes, better be nothing.


Harry: We’re going off on a tangent…


Voldemort: And speaking of- *in walks a certain geometry teacher*


A certain geometry teacher: *makes certain quote symbols and walks out of room to find a very fat boy eating chocolate, and starts lecturing him on the importance of everyday triangles*


Harry: Whoa! *hears screams*


Ron: *sticks head out from under Harry’s bed* The spiders… they’re back!


Harry: Step on them. *says casually*


Voldemort: What was that? *shakes head with rage and annoyance*


Harry: Just…don’t ask. *says as he also shakes head*


Voldemort: *lifts up sheet and looks under bed*


Harry: *looks confused as to why Voldemort looks so baffled*


Voldemort: Well, that inter- *pondering is abruptly stopped by Ron’s girly shrieks*


Ron: It…it…


Voldemort: Bloody hell! Just shut up, and go back to sleep!


Harry: Well, that’s rude! *looks taken aback for some reason*


Ron: But…they…


Harry: Yeah…


Voldemort: What the [insert naughty curse word here]! I’ll take care of this! *looks under bed once again*


Monster book from three years hence: *jumps out and swallows Voldemort in one gulp*


Harry: *raises voice* YOU JUST HAVE TO STROKE THE SPINE!


Ron: Oh, no spider! Ok! *looks relieved and slides back under bed*


Harry: *pulls out sparkly hairbrush and starts brushing hair once again*


Sparkly Hairbrush: Your hair is hopeless!


Harry: *looks astonished* My friend! It speaks! *giggles and blushes*

(A/N: Hey everyone! Sorry it took us so long to update. We've been very busy with school. Finals are next week. Meh. Well, I hope you like it. It's not the best; I think that the next one is actually. Hopefully that's up soon, too. It's done. Oh, and please review!)


Disclaimer: I don't own anything related to the Harry Potter universe, and never will. I also don't own the song "I Feel Pretty" from Westside Story. And finally, I do not own any live person in this fan fic (or anything else you recognize).




Useful Background Info:
After the incident with the sparkly hairbrush, Harry decides to give it a rest until that oh-so-happy time when he is once again required to brush his hair before going to bed. He has to, for he doesn’t want those nasty tangles… It is now mid-morning when Aunt Petunia enters the room.


***********************************************


Aunt Petunia: *enters room*


Room: *is entered*


Harry: Greetings earthling!


Aunt Petunia: Yeah, hi to you to. *looks around for something torturous to make Harry do, and then suddenly hears a shriek*


Shrieker: *shrieks*


Aunt Petunia: Is there something you would like to tell me? *forces a “supportive� smile*


Harry: Nope * looks baffled*


Shrieker: *shrieks again*


Aunt Petunia: Are you sure? *forces a smile that makes her look like she’s constipated*


Harry: I have no idea what you are talking about! *says fast, but still looks confused nonetheless*


Shrieker: * still shrieking*


Aunt Petunia: What the [insert any word that you feel fits appropriately in this extremely long blank]! Did you not just hear that shriek just then? *face is turning the color of a radish*


A radish: *looks insulted*


Aunt Petunia: *now she not only looks like a constipated radish, but an insane one at that*


Shrieker: *shrieks one final time, as this is starting to get annoying to everyone but Harry. Because he is stupid. And weird. And … *


Harry: Oh that! That silly noice is just Ron! *looks relieved*


Aunt Petunia: Who? *looks incredibly confused, angry, disgusted, mean, even more confused, some other adjectives…*


Harry: Ha! Ha! It’s almost like your face is going off on a tangent! *looks on the verge of tears as he doubles over from laughing*


A Certain Geometry Teacher: *comes in from hallway with a chocolate bar in his hand*


Aunt Petunia: Boy! Just make him go away. He’s freaky.


Harry: Ok! *makes a certain geometry teacher and his chocolate disappear before he even gets a word in on the uses of protractors.*


Aunt Petunia: Ok! That’s enough! NOW DO YOUR CHORES!!


Harry: Yes, sir! Wait! Ma’am.


Aunt Petunia: Meh.*leaves, finally*


Harry: la la la…


Shrieker: la la la *in shrieky voice*


Harry: I wonder… *looks under bed to find Ron and a stuffed spider wrestling for the last lemon drop* I knew it!


Ron (a.k.a. Shrieker): I *sigh* want *cough* it! *dies* (I am just kidding, as this would ruin a useful and humorous friendship that will be needed in upcoming chapters)


Harry: I’m just going to leave you here. I need to weed the garden.


*************************************************


Some More Useful Background Info:
Harry is now outside in the garden working on his first chore on his long list of slave duties.


Harry: la la la


Pretty Purple Flower: la la la


Harry: *bursts into song* I feel pretty…


Pretty Purple Flower: Oh so pretty…


Adam Sandler: *appears and looks around* I feel pretty!


Pretty Purple Flower: And witty!


Harry: *bellows* AND GAY!!!!!!!!!!!


Jack Nicholson: *also appears and looks around for angry people* And I pity…


Pretty Purple Flower: Any girl who isn’t me…


Adam Sandler: Today!


Jack Nicholson: La! La! La! Laaa! La! La! La! La! La! La! La! La! La!


Harry: Look at that pretty girl in the mirror there!


Jack Nicholson: What mirror? Where?


Adam Sandler: Who could that pretty girl be?


Pretty Purple Flower: Which one? Where? Hum!


Jack Nicholson: Such a pretty face!


Adam Sandler: Such a pretty face!


Pretty Purple Flower: Such a pretty face!


Harry: SUCH A PRETTY FACE!


All: *return to normal voice*


Adam Sandler: Yeah…


Pretty Purple Flower: Wow!


Harry: I feel pretty. *gets weird looks* No really.


************************************************


An Extra Dosage of Useful Background Info:
Harry finishes his chores-alone-and returns to his room. It is now late, so he goes to bed, exhausted and phlegmy.


For hours and hours he sleeps, totally oblivious to the fact that he is snoring. Very loudly. Waking up everybody in the neighborhood. And making them cranky. (Oh, so manly.)


But when the Pretty Purple Flower led a number of other Pretty [ insert any color you wish] Flowers into his room, he had no idea what was going on. Because he was sleeping. And snoring. Very loudly. And waking up all the neighbors. And making them cranky. (Oh, so Harry-like).


Oh, and by the way, the flowers were actually doing some various dances (i.e. the Cha Cha, the Tango, the Can Can, some square dances, the Chicken Dance, etc, etc) and declaring their love for Harry. But of course he didn’t know this. Because he was sleeping. And snoring. Very loudly. And waking up all the…

(A/N: Hello! I love this chapter, but there are a few things you need to know before reading it. First, Brianna, Sarah, Mary, and me, Kris, are the authors and are mentioned in this chapter. Bri and I have a thing for feet (long story), Mary loves elves and is convinced she is one, and Sarah is afraid of circles (another long story). Oh, and it would take too long to explain the "grow up, sir" comment. And to get the Aragorn/taco joke, you must read "Random Lord of the Ringingness" by Zeldalotr (Mary) at www.fanfiction.net. But, let's just say that Aragorn has a thing for tacos. So, knowing that, I hope you enjoy it.)


Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter universe, Taco Bell, a radish, any living people in this story (not that they live in this story), or anything else you recognise.


*********************************************


Useful Background Info:
None


Some Semi-Useful Background Info:
This starts out in the Gryffindor dorms at exactly 2:17 in the morning.


Completely Useless Background Info:
Cheese…has holes (but only on Tuesday).


*************************************************


Harry: *is busy blowing nose*


Ron: I’m hungry. *decides to “help�*


Harry: Ahhh…that’s better.


Ron: I’m hungry.


Harry: My foot itches.


Brianna: Mine, too! I think this is the cause of Itchus Footus Leftus.


Kris: I concur.


Harry: Please evacuate the premises. Please leave through the door to your right, and keep all limbs inside the vehicle at all times. Thank you. You are welcome to visit again. Bye, bye! Good-bye now! See you again soon! ¡Adíos! Au revoir! Toodles!


Brianna and Kris: *leave premises while keeping all hands and feet inside the vehicle*


Ron: I’m hungry.


Harry: Me too.


Ron: Taco?


Harry: …


Ron: Taco!


Harry: *makes ringing motion* Bell?


Ron! ¡Sí! TACO!


Harry: Bell!


Ron: ¡Ven conmigo! (A/N: It means “Come with me.� in Spanish)


Harry: Ditto.


Ron and Harry: *leave and meet Hermione in the common room*


Hermione: Where are you going?


Ron: TACO! *looks ecstatic*


Harry: BELL! *looks insane*


Hermione: Let’s go then!


**********************************************


Exactly three minutes and forty-one seconds later, they enter Taco Bell!


**********************************************


Ron: I’m hungry.


Hermione: Shut up, stupid! We’re here.


Harry: I’m hungry.


Herminoe: *groans*


Ron and Harry: I’m hungry! I’m hungry! I’m hungry! I’m hungry!


Hermione: Damn it! I’m surrounded by morons.


***************************************************


They waited for the person before them to order, but had to eavesdrop, as they are so nosy. (A/N: *looks at angry fans* I’m just joking!)


***************************************************


Aragorn: But who cares about money! I WANT MY TACO! *face looks like a radish*


A Radish: *looks delighted*


Aragorn: I’ve been craving Taco Bell for hours! I couldn’t find my keys! And now, I. WANT. MY. TACO!


Person at Money-taking Thingy: Excuse me, sir, but grow up!


A Certain Geometry Teacher: That’s my line! Oh, and two plus two does equal fish. See, according to Diagram P, you take the square root of that one circle over there and…


Hermione: I sense a tangent coming on.


Ron: I smell chocolate.


Sarah: *enters while shaking in fear* Ahhhhhhhhh! Circles! *starts running in triangles*


(A/N: I would like to point out that running in triangles, fast, is actually very difficult. First, you must run from point A to point B. The, from point B to point C. Remember, this only works with straight lines, or else, you will be making the dreaded shape—of a circle! But, this is irrelevant. Moving on!)


Sarah: Noooo! Not the circles!


A Certain Geometry Teacher: *is ignored*


A Choir: Hallelujah!


Aragorn: Can you shut up and pay attention to the real problem: I still don’t have my taco!


Hermione: Here! *hands over enough money for a taco just to shut him up*


Aragorn: *gets precious taco* Taco! My precious! I love you! *eats in one bite*


Gollum: Precious…


Authors: Get out! We don’t want you in this story anymore, and we didn’t feel like writing you out the right way. Yeah.


Aragorn: More taco? *cries for mommy*


Mommy: Oh, dear. Not again. *leaves with Aragorn. Finally.*


Ron: My turn! My turn! I’d like one of those, six of these, two and a half of those things that are shaped like circles and come with cheese.


Sarah: Cheese is good, but circles are SCARY! Ahhh!!!!!! *runs out*


Hermione: Ron, be quiet. I’m trying to itch my foot here.


Brianna and Kris: *enter* We believe that this is the cause of—


Harry: Yeah, yeah. We know.


Brianna and Kris: *leave*


Hermione, Ron, and Harry: *order food (at semi-reasonable amounts) and go to find a table. Hermione is deeply disturbed when she finds Mary sitting at a nearby table having a staring contest with a burrito.*


Ron: My money’s on Mary.


Harry: *wearing a green visor that you see at casinos* Place your bets! Place your bets! Right here, right now.


A Surprising Amount of People: *place bets—on the burrito*


(A/N: Stupid people. They obviously don’t know Mary. She’s part elf.)


Mary: *wins after long struggle*


Burrito: *is depressed*


A Surprising Amount of Stupid People: *groans and hand over money*


Harry, Ron, and Hermione: *finish food in a very short time. When they leave, Ron is carrying a large bag of Mexican delights, with Aragorn in tow.*

(A/N: This chapter isn't anything like the last chapter with all those inside jokes, so I don't have to explain much. I just want to say thanks to all my reviewers, and please leave another one at the end. Enjoy!)


Disclaimer: I do not own anything in this chapter (like Star Wars characters, eBay, a commercial guy,etc, etc, etc). Or this story. And the sad part is, I still don't own a radish.


*********************************************


Useful Background Info:


Harry is back in his room at number 4 Privet Drive. He is the only one home, as the Dursleys are out at a convention – for porta-potties. (Wink! Wink! Nudge! Nudge!) Since he has no one to tell him how stupid he is (pity), he is on the computer.


Daringly, he tries out the – gasp! – internet. (Please gasp one more time for added sound effects.) For some odd unexplainable reason, he ends up on eBay, where he gets quite a shocker…


**************************************************

Harry: Yeah! eBay!


Commercial Guy: *singing* Do you know the way to use eBay?


Harry: Uhh…I think so.


Commercial Guy: Oh, ok. *leaves*


Harry: *to himself* Whoa! This is amazing! Who knew you could buy a popcorn machine for so cheap? (A/N: We were going to use the word “dollars� in the previous sentence, but we decided to change it, as it would cause confusion to not only us, but everyone reading this.) *scrolls down page*


*************************************************


As Harry continues his extensive search for useless items, he finally discovers the surprise that only people reading this knew he would eventually face.


************************************************


Harry: *still to himself* Someone’s selling their armpit hair? What an idiot! Who would do such a pointless thing? *Looks at seller* PtnsMstrSnape? Uhh…that looks familiar. I knew Snape was an idiot! Hey Ron owes me fourteen and a half galleons.


Door:*bursts open*


A Random Knight That Doesn’t Have a Name: *runs in through now open door and pumps up fist* Huzzah!


Harry: …


A Random Knight That Doesn’t Have a Name: *stands up straight* I’d like-ith to place a bid-ith.


Harry: …


A Random Knight That Doesn’t Have a Name: Can I place-ith a bid-ith?! *looks radish-like*


Harry: *now getting over the fact that there is knight in his bedroom from 1472, he decides to make some small talk* Cheese has holes.


A Random Knight That Doesn’t Have a Name: Really?


Harry: But only on Tuesdays!


A Random Knight That Doesn’t Have a Name: Oh.


Harry: So how’s the weather?


A Random Knight That Doesn’t Have a Name: Now in today’s forecast, we predict that there will be a slight chance of rain for southern England and high chances of sun for everywhere else. This is good for the radish farmers. It’s a perfect radish farming season, I remember when I was just a wee little knight, I had just gotten… *gets tuned out -- FINALLY*


A Certain Geometry Teacher: circles?


Sarah: Ahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Harry: Get out! Get out! *sobs uncontrollably*


A Certain Geometry Teacher and Sarah: *leave while talking about the 861 different types of chocolate*


A Random Knight That Doesn’t Have a Name: And then, the radishes grow big, and then those pesky carrots, they try to take over the world, I mean just because we love the radishes because they are so cute and tiny and red-ish (A/N: Ha! Ha! Pun!), doesn’t mean that those carrots get to do that. You see, the carrots suffer from –


Brianna and Kris: itchus footus leftus?


A Random Knight That Doesn’t Have a Name: no.


Brianna and Kris: too bad…


Harry: nougat monkeys?


A Random Knight That Doesn’t Have a Name: No, I was going to say: they suffer from the tomatoes because tomatoes are like the mobsters and they *sniff* just always have to take advantage of those darn carrots *sniffs again*


Harry: Uh, can you guys leave? I want to place a bid.


Brianna and Kris: *become huffy* Fine! *mumbles* How rude! *finally leave*


A Random Knight That Doesn’t Have a Name: Can I stay and place-ith a bid-ith? Please-ith?


Harry: Yes-ith.


A Random Knight That Doesn’t Have a Name: Are you mocking me-ith?


Harry: No!... ith


A Random Knight That Doesn’t Have a Name: Right…


Harry: Ok, lets get this show on the road.


The Show: *gets on the road*


The Road: *has a show atop of it*


Harry: *ignores any literal meaning of what he just said*


A Random Knight That Doesn’t Have a Name: Ok-ith, I will put down-ith two canaries and a toilet brush.


Harry: Sorry, it isn’t 1472 anymore. You must place bids with money.


A Random Knight That Doesn’t Have a Name: Fine-ith I shall-ith put down-ith some of your “money�


Yelper: *yelps*


Harry: Why is a yelper yelping?


Yelper: *yelps again*


Harry: …


Yelper: *continues yelping*


Shrieker: *shrieks*


Harry: *becomes sarcastic* Yay. Now there’s two.


*****************************************


Intermission
*show tune starts playing*


Five minutes later
*still playing*


Harry: OK! OK! We get the point!


Authors: Don’t get your panties in a knot.


Harry: Well, it’s hard not to in this costume.


Authors: Ok then. Back to the story.


***************************************


A Random Knight That Doesn’t Have a Name: So, did I win-ith? Did I?


Harry: Uhh…


A Random Knight That Doesn’t Have a Name: Did I win-ith? Did I? Did I?


Harry: Uhh…


Show Tune: *starts playing again*


Harry: Oh, shut up!


A Random Knight That Doesn’t Have a Name: Oh, sorry-ith. I was having fun-ith playing with your records. (A/N: *smiles innocently at mentioning of Harry’s music choice*)


A Random Knight That Doesn’t Have a Name: Well, did I-ith? Did I? Win-ith? *gets squeaky and is jumping up and down*


Harry:*looks at computer screen* nope.


A Random Knight That Doesn’t Have a Name: *become enraged* Who won?


Harry: Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!! *doing victory dance*


A Random Knight That Doesn’t Have a Name: I’m going to kill-ith you-ith.


Harry: How? *looks interested*


A Random Knight That Doesn’t Have a Name: *puffs out chest* in a dance-off-ith.


Music: Dun! Dun! Dun!


Harry: *starts disco-ing*


A Random Knight That Doesn’t Have a Name: *starts square-ith dancing with-ith himself*


A Radish: *is the judge*


Harry: *wins*


Music: *stops*


A Random Knight That Doesn’t Have a Name: *looks challenging* You may have gotten the armpit hair. And the dance championship, but I still have your *looks around and sprints over to an inanimate object* record player. Muah! Ha! Ha!


Music: Dun! Dun! Dun!


Harry: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Radish: Harry, I am your father.


Darth Vadar: Hey! That’s my line.


Luke: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


James: No you’re not! I am!


Radish: You’re supposed to be dead.


Harry: *mouth drops to floor*


Sirius: pun!


James: Shut up, Padfoot. Nobody said “serious.�


Sirius: Oh well. PUN!


Harry: *mouth drops even further. If possible.*


James: There’s still no pun!


Sirius: Well, the authors just thought that puns are very punny, and they just love me soooooooo much. So, they had to make me say it. As in: PUN!


James: *looks over to Lily, who just entered the room* Now who’s the arrogant toerag?


Lily: You.


James: *swears*


Harry: *jaw drops all the way to the other side of the Earth, eyes bulge, ears are covered with earmuffs to avoid hearing naughty words*


A Random Knight That Doesn’t Have a Name: *runs out*


A Random Knight That Doesn’t Have a Name: *with the radish*


A Random Knight That Doesn’t Have a Name: *and the record player*


James, Lily, and Sirius: *looks at Harry*


Harry: *looks at James, Lily, and Sirius*


James, Lily, and Sirius: *looks at Harry*


Harry: *looks at James, Lily, and Sirius*


James, Lily, and Sirius: *looks at Harry*


Show Tune: *starts playing*


Harry: *snaps out of daze* But where’s my record player?


A Random Knight That Doesn’t Have A Name: ith.

A/N: Hello there! I know it has been a really long time since I updated, and I am sincerely sorry for that. I hope this chapter at least begins to make up for that. I have no idea when the next time I will update is, but I do have some ideas in my head, and I know my friends do as well. So, I hope you like it!


Disclaimer: I do not own any characters, cartoons, live people, killer bees, or any other thing mentioned in this story. I have absolutely no intentions of selling anything, so the bottom line is: NOTHING IS MINE!


***************************************************


Actually Useful Background Info:


It was a bright, cheerful day in March as Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Remus walked their way back to number twelve Grimmauld Place. They knew it wasn’t the safest thing, but who would pass up a nice Saturday lunch of Taco Bell? (I know I wouldn’t I just finished my lunch, and coincidentally, it was Taco Bell. I’m dead serious. (Pun!) Ok, back to the story...) Our story starts as they approach an intersection with a street perpendicular to them.


***********************************************************


Hermione: Isn’t it a wonderful Muggle invention? I mean, I have read all about them, and how they work and how orderly they are is just fascinating!


Ron: *mumbles to Harry* I have no idea what she’s talking about.


Harry: Uh…Hermione? Do you mean – wait – what do you mean?


Hermione: Oh, those stoplights.


Harry: Right.


Ron: What’s a stoplight?


Hermione: It’s a Muggle device used to control traffic and is very useful because without them, there would be utter chaos in the streets.


Remus: She’s right, you know.


Ron: When is she not?


Hermione: *pouts*


Harry: *ignores approaching argument*


Remus: *changes subject*


Subject: *is CHANGED*


Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Remus: *approach sidewalk and stop when the stoplight turns red*


Stoplight: *has already turned red*


Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Remus: *have stopped walking*


Street Perpendicular to Them: *is empty except for one lone bunny*


The Lone Bunny: *is actually the Energizer Bunny*


The Energizer Bunny formerly known as “the Lone Bunny�: *keeps going and going and going*


Hermione: Holy halibut!


Ron: Bloody hell! A pink rabbit with a drum! And it keeps going and going and going and –


Remus: For the love of tomatoes!


Hermione: Wait! How can you love those awful –


Harry: Hey! What’s with all the interjections?


Ron: What’s an interjection?


Harry: Never mind.


Ron: OK.


The Street (that is perpendicular to them): *is once again empty*


Stoplight: *turns green*


Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Remus: *are busy staring at where the Energizer Bunny was to notice*


Stoplight: *turns yellow and then red again*


Ron: Hey! It looks like we’re stuck here for awhile.


Harry: If only we could make it to the other side of the street, and then we’d be home.


Hermione: I concur, but I must add that -- *is interrupted by a disturbing sight in the street*


The Disturbing Sight: * is really Dumbledore streaking*


An Author: *comes rushing in* NO! NO! I will NOT have this nasty bit in my story! What is up with all these people obsessed with Dumbledore running around starkers? Pg! PG *exits while making the disturbing sight disaapear suddenly with a snap of her fingers*


Harry: Oh…


Hermione: My…


Ron: Taco?


Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Remus: *are conveniently missing the stoplight changing from red to green to yellow and back to red over and over again*


An Author: Back to the conversation…


Intermission Music: *starts playing*


Another Author: No! Wrong place, wrong time.


Intermission Music: *stops playing*


Remus: Pity. I love that music.


Hermione: You aren’t supposed to know about it, as you are only a character in the story and are only fictional.


Ron: So are you, so how do you know this?


Harry: *gapes* Did Ron just say something smart?


Ron: Hey!


Remus: *sniggers* And the interjections continue…


In Background: Dun! Dun! Dun!


Hermione: So, back to what you were saying, Ron, I read. I also am Muggle-born, so I happen to know this type of thing that is always happening in Muggle movies and such. Plus, iwht all these Muggle stories being written about us, you should know that anything is possible with a fictional character. It’s a matter of whether… *is tuned out*


Tunes: *do not play, as they have been ostracized by all fictional characters – it really is a pity…*


A Certain Geometry Teacher: *walks down street because the stoplight is once again red*


Red: *decorates the traffic device that we all know and love*


A Certain Geometry Teacher: *eats chocolate while singing about the Pythagorean Theorem*


Chocolate: *is consumed*


Ron: I’m hungry.


Harry: Me too.


Hermione: We just ate.


Remus: Not this again…


Mutterings: *are really quite fun to add to stories while looking for something to – you know what? I’m going off on a tangent*


A Tangent: *has gone off*


My thoughts: *have gone askew*


Killer Bees: *just come because I want them to, sting a certain geometry teacher, and leave as suddenly as they came*


A Certain Geometry Teacher: *is long gone*


Randomness: *is coming more naturally now*


Ron: GET BACK TO THE STORY!


Me: Yes, Mum.


Ron: What?


Hermione: *is humming the School House Rock song about interjections*


Harry: Oh yes, back to the story.


Remus: My foot itches.


Ron: No way! You might be coming down with Itchus Footus Leftus. Or Rightus.


Harry: He’s…right. You might. I rhymed. *sees murderous looks from other teenage pedestrians* Is that a crime?


Remus: *sniggers once again*


Hermione: You know, poetry is really an ancient form of writing that… what?


Ron: Must you ramble?


Hermione: Must you be a prat?


Ron: I am not!


Hermione: Yeah, and I’m broccoli.


Ron: *opens his mouth to say that she’s not green, but never gets to say anything because Harry bellows out before him*


Harry: SHUT UP! Must you always be fighting? It does get annoying, you know.


Ron and Hermione: Sorry.


Harry: *has calmed down*


Remus: *has a knowing look on his face as he stares at he street blocking their path*


Harry: Can’t we just cross it?


Hermione: Nope, stoplight’s red.


Ron: *grumbles*


Stoplight: *is now stuck on red*


Me: *grins evilly at their predicament*


Harry; Now can we cross? There isn’t any traffic anyway.


Remus: Sure, let’s try. We’ve been here long enough.


Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Remus: *step into street*


A Speeding Car: *almost hits them*


Hermione: Whoa.


Remus: Ditto…


Harry: That was close.


Ron: Bloody. Hell.


Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Remus: *look around cautiously and take another step in the street*


Michael Jackson: *passes before them as he does the moonwalk down the street*


Hermione: *laughs at the chances of that ever happening again*


Ron: Did he have a nose?


Remus: Um…


Harry: Let’s keep moving.


Remus: Right. What he said.


Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Remus: *take another step*


The Jetsons: *fly by*


Charlie Brown: *runs down the street while being chased by the Great Pumpkin*


A Group of Pretty, Colorful Flowers: *sing along and dance down the street*


A High School Band: *marches*


Ron: I was born in March. Did you know that?


Hermione: No! We only celebrated then because we thought you liked green. *is being sarcastic*


Ron: I do. Broccoli.


Hermione: Do you mean? *looks surprised and confused*


Ron: *looks down sweetly at her* Yes.


Hermione: *blushes*


Harry: *gags*


Remus: *to himself* Reminds me of Lily and James *now has a farr off look on his face*


Ron and Hermione: *are staring into each other’s eyes*


Harry: *coughs* Parade’s over *points at now empty street and green stoplight*


Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Remus: *start walking and finally make it to the other side when they hear a speaker turn on behind them*


Voice: Thank you for coming to the St. Patrick’s Day Parade –


Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Remus: *moan* Oh the irony.

A/N: Hi! We know it's been a long time, and there are no excuses as to why, but we're going to try anyway. First off, this got rejected for grammatical errors (twice), and we had to fix it. Also, we've been really busy (at least I have) with school (only six days left!!!!). So, we're very sorry, and hopefully you like this. And on a happier note, thanks to all our reviewers! (There is nothing like getting a good review!)


Disclaimer: We do not own anything in this, but I do have a nice selection of fruit in my kitchen.


Harry Potter and the Never-ending Mini Stories!

The Suspicious Rice

It was a mid-summer night when Harry decided to go downstairs from his personal prison cell at the Dursley’s and make dinner. Nobody but him was home, so he knew he could risk it. Hey! Why not? he thought. And so he went…


By the time he got downstairs, he knew what he wanted to eat; it was something he hadn’t had in a long, long time – RICE! It was daring; he was brave. It was devious; so was he. (A/N: Well, not really, but it works.) As he turned into the kitchen from the hallway, he stopped. He stood there shocked. It was mysterious. It was weird. It was sitting there on the table staring right at him! IT WAS THE RICE!


What was it doing here? Why was it already cooked? Why was it staring at him like that?


Eyeing it carefully, Harry walked over to it and stared right back. He wasn’t going to let it get the better of him…or tackle him while his back was turned…while smothered in cod-liver oil. He stared. It stared. He stared more. It stared back – more.


Then, Harry heard a loud rumbling noise. A plane? No. Thunder? No, there’s no storm… Oh wow! My stomach! I guess the rice is getting the better of me. It’s just so suspicious. Hold on! I got an idea!


Harry sat before the rice and opened his mouth to speak, “Hi.�


“…�


“How are you today?�


“…�


“Why so silent? Huh? Huh?�


“…�


“Oh, I know you’re devious. I know you’re evil. But I’m on to you!�


“…�


“Oh the silent type, eh?�


“…�


“Yeah, sure.�


“…�


“It’s always the silent type you have to worry about.�


“‘Constant vigilance’ I’ve always been told,� Harry heard grumbled from behind him.


Harry looked at the rice in amazement. “Holy shnikey!� It does speak!�


“No you idiot! Turn around!�


He did what he was told and was immensely shocked to find Snape standing there in the kitchen.


“Hey! So what about my rice, huh?� Harry asked.


“It’s just rice. You know – inanimate. It’s not going to attack you.�


“How do you know?�


“Trust me, I know.�


“How? Have you ever seen rice this suspicious? I doubt it. I’m not going to let it kill me.�


“It won’t. It’s just grains.�


“Oh… kay…�


“Just eat it and watch.�


“You first.�


“Gladly.�


And so Snape ate.


And ate.


He tried to stop, but he just couldn’t. He looked to be struggling, and his face was slowly turning various colors (i.e. the color of a radish), but Harry couldn’t figure out why. So he asked.


“Why are you struggling with the rice, and why is your face slowly turning various colors (i.e. the color of a radish)?�


Snape opened his rice-filled mouth and tried to speak, “Umph. Iz ebil. It wunt stop. Afffffffffffffffffffffff!� Snape ran.


So Harry turned to the plate and pointed a finger! “I KNEW IT!�

***

And so the moral of this story is: you should never trust inanimate objects when they are clearly devious and evil and stick red socks in your washer machine that is filled with all white clothes, now turning them pink (also known as “dark.� I mean the evil objects not the pink clothes. Those are still light, but pink.)


Therefore, there are only two words to live by: “CONSTANT VIGILANCE!�


The Musical Band That Was Musical

Penguins: *in various pitches* La. La. La.


Sarah: *makes flute noises*


Kris: *says corny joke* I sa-flute you *with hand to forehead making a sweeping motion down*


Chipmunks: *dance*


Harry: *looks confused*


Ron: *scratches head in confusion*


Hermione: I’m confused.


Ginny: How’d we get here and what is the point of this?


Hermione: Aren’t you confused?


Ginny: Sure.


Sarah: We are trying to beat the world record of BRUSSELS SPROUTS UP THE NOSE! *say with an emphasis on “up�*


Band: *makes noises*


Story: *is over*


Sarah: *sings* Brussels sprouts


Brussels sprouts: *in bored voice while residing in someone’s nose* Ahhhhh…



Ron’s Effort to Put a Stop to Hermione’s Ramblings


Hermione: And then the carrots said, “Help me! Help me!� And those tomatoes kept on attacking! And so what if the carrots keep on sniffing those rabbit nails?


Ron: *to Harry* Do rabbits have nails?


Harry: Well, they do now.


Ron: Yay!


Hermione: Just because they like the smell of freshly painted nails, doesn’t mean those rotten tomatoes have to spoil the fun because that’s just so MEAN and pessimistic and just darn – ROTTEN! So, then they told them to hand over the paintbrush, and when the carrots resisted, they got tackled by onions! So then –


Ron: *groans* Hermione –


Hermione: But then she – the warrior cauliflower head – took an asparagus spear and fought with it like that one guy on that one show that fought with those stupid giant cotton swabs.


Harry: I love that episode.


Ron: Me too, mate. Me too.


Hermione: And when the bananas came, those darn discriminating potatoes on motorcycles said, “Get away, you FRUIT!� And that’s when I –


Ron: Hermione? Hermione? What are you on about?


Harry: Should we stop her?


Ron: Nah…


Hermione: So when the carrots pointed out that the tomatoes where fruit too, the potatoes – get this – phoned the radishes and said –


Ron: HERMIONE! SHUT UP!


Hermione: No, that’s not it. They actually said –


Harry: *leaves to go get popcorn*


Ron: *dances a war dance around Hermione to see if she reacts*


Hermione: *doesn’t* And that actually reminds me of what the cantaloupes did last Thursday. Queen Seedmuffin *coughs* went over to the –


Harry: *comes back with popcorn and some senior citizens in tow (with cameras and Hawaiian shirts, of course)*


Ron: *raises eyebrow in Harry’s direction*


Harry: Hey! What can I say? How many times do you actually see Hermione so frazzled? We could sell tickets!


All people mentioned above that are in this story (except for Hermione, who’s still in her own little world): *hears a cough*


Those Said People: *turn towards cough location*


The Cougher: *is some random person that sold tickets to people so that they could see the uncommon show of seeing Hermione so frazzled, and also doesn’t really need to be identified at this point in time. Just remember: this person sold a jolly good amount of people tickets so they could see the uncommon sight of seeing Hermione so frazzled.*


Hermione: *continues rambling about veggie and fruit wars in which we really don’t care about*


Ron: NO! HERMIONE! YOU FAILED ALL YOUR CLASSES!


Hermione: *freezes* What?


Ron: Absolutely nothing.


Hermione: Oh, ok. Then, the rampaging rutabagas took hold of the jicama and started to beat the beets upside the head. So vulgar! But luckily, the cabbage came and –


Ron: *bashes head into hard objects*


Harry: So ironic, mate.


Ron:*suddenly wakes up and realizes it was all a dream. Then sighs.*


Ron: *walks down to the common room to see Harry and Hermione sitting there*


Harry: So Hermione, how was your Christmas break?


Hermione: Well, it was good, but my parents and I went to a fair and when we turned the street we saw tomatoes standing over defenseless carrots who were screaming,� Help me! Help me!� and –



Ron: Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! *runs like a defenseless carrot being ambushed by a tomato*


Harry: *turns to Hermione* So ironic, mate.


A/N: Please review! Oh, and the next chapter will include Mallory the Wonder Llama, a tutu, and men's night out....

A/N: Hello all! I am so happy that I finally finished this chapter, but sadly, it’s the last one. I basically wrote most of this one myself, but Sarah helped with a lot of the beginning, and Brianna did with the bus stop scene. Mary was also nice enough to let me use another part of her LOTR story. I think it’s obvious which part. (*cough* Aragorn! *cough*) So thanks to my fellow authors for helping oh-so-much with this!

IMPORTANT AUTHOR’S NOTE: Well, it’s important enough to be able to understand some things. First off, I use the term “football� in this chapter. I am using the American term here. I also refer to Powder Puff Football, although not right out. In case you don’t know, it’s a football game where all the guys on the football team dress and act as cheerleaders, and the cheerleaders dress and act like the football team! Very fun.

MY FINAL ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS: Thanks to Brianna for helping me start this story. Thanks to Sarah, who helped me the most. Thanks to Mary who let me borrow some ideas. Also, thanks to Natalie for her “Cheesecake Ramblings,� Scotty for letting me toss him out a window while he was riding a zebra, and Tony who really does have spiky hair. And finally, thanks to all who have read this story!

DISCLAIMER: I have to say that as much as I wish and hope and beg, I will never, ever own anything in this story. The Harry Potter universe belongs to Mrs. J.K. Rowling (which we all should know by now), and the rest… well, I don’t own that either. (Like Taco Bell, a cheesecake, Lord of the Rings characters, and so on…) So don’t sue me!

Harry Potter and the Screaming Fangirls
(with random appearances by Tony the Hair-gel Guy, Mallory the Wonder Llama, and possibly other heroes/scum)

It was late on a Friday summer night in L.A. when Ron and Harry decided to have a “men’s night out�. The first place they went was Taco Bell (where they saw Aragorn beating up a nice yet pimply teenage boy over a burrito), and then they went to grandma’s.

It wasn’t Harry grandma (obviously), and it wasn’t Ron’s. It was… *insert a long conversation here on whose grandma should be used for the harmless point of this story. (Examples: an author’s grandma, Snape’s grandma, Dumbledore’s grandma, McGonagall’s grandma, McGonagall, Voldemort’s grandma, the nerdy boy’s grandma, and…)* Hey! We got it! (Back up! Oh yes…) It was – MALLORY THE WONDER LLAMA�S GRANDMA! Better yet! She is the grandma! Yay! *insert circus clown doing a jig*

Yes. And at Mallory the Wonder Llama’s House, they had cheesecake. It wasn’t any random cheesecake. It was strawberry cheesecake. Not blueberry, but strawberry. Not cherry – SHUT UP!

Alright. Now back to the story.

After they left grandma’s they passed a ballet class. This is where the story gets uncomfortable.

***

Ron: *at Harry* I bet I’m more manly than you.

Harry: *looks quizzically at Ron while trying to look muscular* You’d lose that bet. I am rugged, and I am manly.

Ron: Fat chance of that. Wait! What are you wearing?

Harry: *blushes* It’s for football.

Ron: Powder Puff?

Harry: No thanks.

Ron: *shakes head and walks away*

***

They walked and walked trying to find something to do when they viewed a sight that would haunt them for the rest of their lives. It was terrible – horrible – and just a bit awe-inspiring. It was –

***

Harry: a guy riding a zebra on top of a very tall building all the while wearing a swim floaty in the shape of a duck around his waist?

Ron: Merlin! He’s a bit of a loony!

Harry: Well, I guess anything can happen in the U.S.

Ron: You rhymed.

Harry. I know. And? *raises eyebrow*

Ron: Nothing. But you really should – *watches as the guy riding a zebra on top of the very tall building all the while wearing a swim floaty in the shape of a duck around his waist leaps off the very tall building on said zebra all the while wearing a swim floaty in the shape of a duck around his waist*

Said Guy: I’m Scotty and I’m flying! I am! I really am! Hey look! *sees a flaming trashcan below* The flaming circle of doom! Wah-hoo!

Harry: Oh…my…

Ron: *is actually speechless*

Harry: Let’s go. I don’t want to see him land.

Ron: *nods*

***

They then come up to a bus stop… to wait – for a bus. (What a concept!) Along comes a hobo. He sits next to Ron on the bench.

***

Hobo: *stares longingly at leftover taco in Ron’s hand* You gonna eat that? *reaches out*

Ron: *slaps hand away and an alarm goes off* Yes! Now back away from my taco! *curls into fetal position while sucking thumb and cradling taco* My precious…

Hobo: Dude… sorry man.

Harry: Well I should hope so! Don’t you know that that type of action can destroy a man? *glares*

Hobo: *backs away slowly* I – I – uh… Bye! *runs*

Ron: *slowly sits back up*

Bus: *pulls up*

Conductor: *comes out* Hey dudes! Welcome to The Ride. I’m Joe and – what?

Harry and Ron: *look at each other, shrug, and get on bus*

Joe: *clears throat* Uh, you still have to pay, dudes.

Harry: *hands over money*

Ron and Harry: *sit across from each other in aisle seats*

Ron: *watches elderly lady being dragged onto bus*

Lady Being Dragged Onto Bus: No! I won’t! I swear I won’t and you can’t make me! *hits Joe with purse*

Joe: But Grandma!

Harry: *raises eyebrows*

Ron: *to himself* I love grandmas!

Lady Grandma: No! This is the Demon Ride From Down There – Yes, There! *bawls hysterically*

Ron: *looks terrified* I must rethink that.

Harry: *looks around* This doesn’t look so bad; we do have reclining seats.

Ron: *breathes* True.

Harry: Look! *points* Tacos!

People On Bus: *are silent*

Guy Holding Taco Tray: *smiles* Hi! I’m Timmy the Taco Man! Anyone want free tacos?

Ron: *is hyperventilating* Free… tacos?

Harry: *smiles* Ah… A happy ending.

Me: *whispers frantically* Don’t go! It isn’t actually the ending! *changes tone of voice when red lights flash and the wind starts to blow* It’s only just begun! Mwah ha ha!

Timmy the Taco Man: Right. Ok. *shakes head* Tacos anyone?

Aragorn: *is seen chasing after bus* My tacos! I want one! Can I? Please?

Bus: *stops*

Aragorn: No! Mine! *fights with Ron*

Timmy the Taco Man: *slowly backs away to go chill with the Hobo*

Hobo and Timmy the Taco Man: *are sitting in an alley somewhere while eating all the tacos*

Hobo: Yum! Tacos. Finally!

Ron and Aragorn: *realize that the tacos have been evacuated from the premises. They nod at each other and go their separate ways*

Bus: *stops*

Harry: Time to go, Ron. *pulls Ron off bus*

Cameras: *flash*

Flashes: *are everywhere*

Screams: *are heard*

Harry: *is tackled*

Ron: *is dumbfounded*

Harry: *is very, very scared*

Fangirls: *have gone wild*

Wildness: *is everywhere*

Zebra: *passes by*

Harry: *stands up* What is going on?

Fangirls: *scream more* He talked! He talked! AHHHHHHH!!!!!

A Random Fangirl Named Sally: He’s so dreamy!

Ron: *snorts*

Harry: You’re not helping!

Other Fangirls: *are trying to take his glasses, shoes, shirt, ear, etc*

One of the Fangirls: *takes scissors to Harry’s hair*

Harry: Hey! *swats at scissors* That’s enough!

Fangirls: *are quiet, but a giggle is heard from the back of the mob*

Everyone: *turns to stare at giggler*

The Giggler: *is some odd guy with spiky hair* What?

Harry and Ron: *glance at each other*

Harry: Who are you?

The Giggler: Oh – I’m Tony!

Ron: *in a daze* Your hair! It’s so spiky! Can I touch it, Tony the Hair-gel guy? *reaches out for hair*

Tony the Hair-gel Guy: Dude, no! Remove your hand from my head!

Ron: Sorry. *realizes that he was being just a bit odd a moment ago*

Harry: *was watching this interaction in amazement* Ron? You’re right. It is very spiky! It’s like if you fell on it, you’d be stabbed a million times1I bet that those spikes could cut through glass! Wow… I want hair like that!

Fangirls: *are grinning*

Rebecca, Another Random Fangirl: *is wearing a shirt that has a picture of Harry brushing his teeth* Yay! A new hair-do! This’ll do great for business!

Harry: *shakes head as if trying to wake himself up from a nightmare* Business? And what’s up with your shirt?

Rebecca: I sell things that you have touched, eaten part of, and stuff like that. *thinks* I sold one of your eyelashes once.

Ron: Right… So what about the shirt?

Rebecca: Isn’t it a great picture? Harry’s so masculine and –

Harry: Ha! *points at Ron* I told you so! I am more masculine than you! I am the most rugged and the most manly bloke EVER!!

Tony the Hair-gel Guy: *clears throat* Uh, I’m not so sure of that. I mean, look at me!

Fangirls: *look at Harry and then at Tony the Hair-gel Guy and start to whisper to each other*

Ron and Harry: *are nervous*

Fangirls: *nod as one*

Rebecca: *steps forward* We have come to a decision, Harry. This is hard to say, but we have to tell you. We’re sorry. Mr. hair-gel Guy is right.

Fangirls: *mob Tony the Not-So-Cool Hair-gel Guy*

Ron: Whoa. That was odd. You’d think they would’ve been more sincere. I mean, look at Ginny – once a fangirl, always a fangirl.

Harry: Uh, yeah. *starts walking away* Hey Ron! You want to go back to the hotel now?

Ron: Yeah, I think I’ve had enough of the L.A. nightlife.

Harry and Ron: *go back to hotel and open door to room*

Lights: *turns on*

People: *yell* Surprise!

Ron: It’s not either one of our birthdays!

Hermione: *raises glass* No, but it is the end of this story!

Harry: *breaks down and cries* It’s *sniff* been … so *chokes on tears* great!

Ron: *slings arm over his buddy’s shoulders* I know, mate. I know.

Fred and George: *start singing* For this was a jolly good story! For this was a jolly good story!

Everyone in room: *joins in* For this was a jolly good stor—y!

Authors: *sing above everyone else* And now you should review! *wink*

Characters and Authors: *bow*

Clapping: *is heard*

Curtains: *are nonexistent but close anyway*

People: *start leaving to go review*

Scream: *is heard*

People: *stop and look around in horror*

Ron: *whispers* Sorry – spider.

***

THE END

***

A/N: Well, that’s the end. I hope you liked it because I had so much fun writing this! Thanks to all who have stayed with the story, and please review!!