Disclaimer: The characters and backstory belong singularly to JK Rowling.

WED TO ORANGE


‘Why must Dumbledore insist I come to these ridiculous excursions? Do you know Harry? No, you do not. Your life is so simple. You eat, sleep and pass droppings. That is all you know. And that is why you are my favoured and only companion. That’s right my little one.’

A small squawk emanated from Severus Snape’s cohort; a crow. The black creature ruffled its feathers in sweet oblivion to his owner’s ramblings. He wasn’t cursed with the irritation of attending a Hogsmeade trip.

Snape sat on a log some small distance from the Shrieking Shack, where students rarely visited. But he was not to be awarded peace on this grey day.

‘Come to me Severus.’

Snape jumped at this sudden harsh voice and looked around him with startled suspicion, ‘Who speaks?’

‘It is me Severus, your Lord and Master.’

‘God?’ Snape looked into the heavens.

‘No you fool; it is I, Lord Voldemort!’

‘Oh right! That Lord. Where are you Master?’

‘To your left. No, your other left! Here in the Shrieking Shack.’

Snape craned his neck toward the closest ruin but failed to see his Master.

‘Come closer Severus,’ the voice croaked.

‘What has happened to your voice my Lord?’

‘I strained it in my latest debacle.’

‘Death Eaters‘ Karaoke Night?’

‘Ah…yeah…’

‘I think I see you now my Lord!’ Snape made out a faint red glow from within the confines of the ruin. He also thought he saw Lord Voldemort’s fluorescent pink bow tie. Thought he only wore that on special occasions… Snape contemplaited. What was going on?

Snape finally reached the opening to the shambled shack but there was nobody to be seen. ‘Lord? Are you there? It’s rather dark. Thought of lighting a candle?’

‘Just this way Severus,’ called the croak and Snape saw the red glow.

Snape followed the lead until he arrived at the entrance to a familiar room. He’d been here before, when he’d almost attained glory in capturing Sirius Black-the arrogant fool.

‘Lord, what is the meaning of this?’

Upon entering, he noticed the entire room was full of hooded and masked Death Eaters, and the Dark Lord was sitting on a chair, facing the other way (as per usual) so only his bold spot could be seen, sparkling from the firelight in front of him.

‘Severus, it has come to my attention that you have been rather distracted as of late. You’re too fixated on your Potion experiments and you talk nonsense constantly to that bloody bird of yours! Not to mention the name you have given it…’

Harry squawked in brutal retaliation.

‘So I’ve decided to find you a bride.’

Snape almost choked, ‘A what?!’

‘It was the only way to settle Lucius all those years ago. I think it shall work the same for you.’

‘But-’

‘No buts- we have found the perfect person. Crabbe discovered her last night wandering the Dark Forest with a dazed look about her and whispering strange profanities about the future. Narcissa thought she was high. She works at Hogwarts!’

Snape turned a light shade of green, ‘Trelawney?’

‘That’s the one! She’s already mental so all we have to do now is place the Imperious Curse upon her and no one will know the difference! She shall be willing, and she shall be close at hand.’

Snape could not believe his ears, nor could he properly object to his Lord’s command without putting himself in danger of some serious flogging- and possible participation in Karaoke Night.

‘Is there no substitute punishment my Lord? Can I not make a solemn vow to be on best behaviour?’

‘Absolutely not. My way is the best way.’

Snape tried to swallow before replying in a shaky voice, ‘Very well my Lord, I must do as you say.’

‘Excellent. Lucius, bring the Bride!’ It was the first time any of the Death Eaters had stirred.

Snape was startled at the suddenness of his predicament. Now there was no getting out of this foul torture. He watched in slow horror as the veiled bride glided toward him like some freakish alien.

‘The papers have been drawn up and everything has been dealt with except your own signature.’ The papers were handed to Snape and he shakily signed his name. It was done.

‘Now all that is left is to kiss the bride!’

Snape visibly grimaced and took no step to obey this suggestion. But he would not have his way.

‘Do it now!’ the Dark Lord ordered.

Snape braced himself for this horror of all horrors. He took the veil in his hand, lifted it slowly and finally pulled it away from the head.

‘Ahh!’ he screamed and jumped backwards about a mile. Instead of the big-eyed professor there was a pumpkin head with maggots crawling out of its mouth and eyes.

Suddenly there was a huge commotion. Laughter and shouts and calls of, ‘Look here Snape! Say cheese!’

Several flashes went off, blinding Snape. When his vision returned he saw the fleeting glimpses of people he recognised, hoods off, rushing out the door. As he regained some balance and control, Snape almost screamed with indignation and humiliation. Hogwarts students!

‘And we have it on camera too!’ someone-the Weasley brat it sounded like- yelled in glee. Soon the place was deserted except for Snape, Harry the bird and the pumpkin corpse.

Only a note was left behind for the sorry sod- probably to give the students time to escape his vengeful hatred.

Dear professor Snape,

We are truly sorry if your heart has been broken by our follies. No, that was not the real Trelawney, though if you ask her I’m sure she will consent in real life. The boys send their wishes and want you to know this:

Unless you make class as enjoyable as possible, meaning never be nasty to Gryffindors and be mean as hell to the Slytherins, we WILL show this tape and photos to everyone we know including Trelawney herself.

Enjoy the rest of your day at Hogsmeade,

Gryffindor