1. Maybe I'm Afraid of the Way I Love You

I see her walking along the corridors every day, her fiery hair cascading down her back. The smile on her face makes me glow inwardly, and it brings a tingling sensation to the tips of my fingers. When she laughs, the sound echoes around my heart, and I feel as though I’m warmed throughout my body. She is so fragile, yet she is so bold. She is all that I have ever loved.

*

“I was just telling Bryony that! I know, it’s hilarious, but we really shouldn’t laugh…� Lily said to her friend as she joined her by the bottom of the marble staircase. I watched her from the shadows, hoping that nobody would spot me in the entrance to the dungeons. Lily kept walking up the stairs, chatting to her friend – at complete ease with the world. I wished my life was like hers, carefree and without worries or dark secrets. My entire existence had been one large secret, and always shrouded in lies and mistrust. I had never understood love before now.

Once she was gone, I crept out of my hiding place and headed to Transfiguration, my mind buzzing with the thought of Prefects’ duties the next night. I would be seeing Lily again. So what if Arrowsmith was going to be there? She knew I didn’t like her and I knew she didn’t like me. We had reached a sort of neutral ground on that, and generally avoided each other wherever possible. Then there was Lupin. Yes, of course he would be with her, but it wouldn’t stop me from walking behind them and simply admiring her.

I gave myself a mental slap, trying to siphon these ridiculous thoughts from my mind. She was taking over my life! My public appearance had become a mask – a mask to hide my true feelings.

I sat down heavily at my desk, retrieving my books and watching Potter and his friends messing around at their desks, trying to capture as many peoples’ attention as possible. I saw Lily glance over at Potter exasperatedly and after a moment, turn back around and sigh. I could tell she strongly disapproved and it delighted me more than anything. I hated Potter and his whole attitude, and it was common knowledge to all in our year that Lily thought he was an arrogant prat.

I grinned to myself. I was so true – the way he messed up his hair, his inflated ego, his air of self-importance... It was clear to all those with a brain that he was a waste of time. That was what Lily and I shared – our hate of Potter. We were both intelligent people; we could see his idiocy plainly.

“Hey, Snivelly!� Potter called across the classroom. I ignored him utterly and began reading our Transfiguration textbook.

“Snivelly!� he shouted to me again. I looked up from the book, but only to throw him a contemptuous look before continuing my reading.

“What’s the matter, don’t you feel brave enough to fight me again?� Potter continued to say. By this time the whole class was watching us, and my hand was slowly tightening its grip on my wand.

“You didn’t manage to wash your hair again, Snivellus?� smirked Black from the seat next to Potter. He was rocking onto the back legs of his chair and surveying me with malicious delight. I could see my knuckles turning white as they strained to get a firmer grip on the 10 ½ inch strip of wood in my left hand. There was a mental war going on in my head – to hex or not to hex? What mattered more to me? My feelings for Lily Evans, or my reputation? I was dithering – wishing that I could just leave the room.

Just as I was about to force myself to decide, Professor McGonagall entered the classroom, saving me from my dilemma and sending a huge wave of relief tumbling over me. It was alright. I had not reacted. Yet I knew there would be a next time.

*

I sat hunched up on my ugly four-poster bed in the Slytherin fifth-year boys’ dormitory, trying to find a way to rationalize my feelings for Lily. They made me scared sometimes – made me want to hide from the world and deny their presence. It was as if someone had planted something within me that I did not know and could not bear to explore. I was terrified of that part of me. It was this part that stopped me from whipping out my wand and hexing Potter into oblivion that afternoon. What was happening to me?

I was slowly falling apart, torn up by the memories of her indifferent looks towards me, her distaste for the very sight of me. Just those looks made me want to scream and cry all at the same time. That was what truly petrified me.

She made me want to cry.

*

It was late morning the following day, and I was heading down to Potions with Wells and Smith. They were having an argument involving a toad going missing, but I was barely listening. I was straining my ears for the sound of dainty footsteps and the warm, resonant tone of Lily’s voice.

I was almost at the bottom of the steps when I heard her. My heartbeat sped up as I listened to her talking with her friends, Evenett and Cooper. But then I heard the boastful air of Potter’s voice and immediately my face contorted into a look of disgust.

I continued walking to my desk, sat down and took out my books, then glanced up at what Professor Slughorn was writing on the blackboard. I watched as students from both Slytherin and Gryffindor slowly drifted in, searching fruitlessly for her face.

Once the room was almost full, I checked all the faces of those sat down, but she wasn’t there. I sighed and turned to face the front again, until I heard hurried footsteps and saw Lily stalking irritably to her seat. She was soon followed by Potter, who was looking a little red-faced yet still pompous, and found his seat as well before glancing anxiously over at Lily.

I could tell they had had another fight, and this thought raised my spirit as I began copying down the method and retrieving the ingredients for the potion we were making that lesson. Professor Slughorn then told us we had just over an hour to brew it and that he would be marking this potion, so it was important to be precise in making it. I started eagerly, desperate to do well in the only subject I particularly enjoyed.

I was one of the first to finish, and was instructed to team up with another student that had completed it and discuss the important parts of the procedure. I scanned the classroom for those who had finished, and my eyes instantly fell on Lily, who was reading the method again, presumably to check she had done everything. I smiled inwardly, and approached her carefully.

“Do you want to compare notes?� I asked quietly. Her head jerked up as I spoke, and she studied me intently.

“Alright,� she said finally, “that’s fine by me.�

I gave her a fleeting grateful smile, before returning to my desk to collect my notes and bring them to her.

We spent at least fifteen minutes discussing different points about the potion, while the noise level around us rose as one-by-one, people began to finish. Whenever she spoke, I couldn’t help gazing deep into the emeralds of her eyes. I watched as they glittered faintly when she got to the parts she was most enthusiastic about, all the while admiring her extensive Potions knowledge.

I replied with almost equal enthusiasm, conveying my ideas and sharing my thoughts not just on the potion itself, but the whole subject. Eventually, the time ran out and I rose to return to my seat. Just as I was about to walk away, Lily caught my arm and said, “I never realised just how smart you are when you put your mind to it. You should do it more often – I can see how much you enjoy it.�

All I could do was stare at her transfixed, before attempting a half-smile and dashing off to collect my bag as the bell went.

*

Much later that day, I sat by the fire in the common room, considering the events of the morning and Prefects’ duties that began in the next ten minutes.

When Lily had spoken those magical words of encouragement and admiration; I could barely contain myself from shouting aloud with sheer euphoria. Yet here I was, sat by the fire in the Slytherin common room, too scared to see her again.

She made me afraid that I would break down in front of her, or open my inner heart to her. She made me afraid of losing my reputation, of losing my honour by telling a Gryffindor that I loved her. I was afraid that she would make me into someone who needed to see her everyday just to go on living. Although I was like that already. She had made me fall for her and I feared the love that flowed through my veins. Maybe I was not afraid of what was to come, but what had already happened.

Maybe I was afraid of the way I knew I loved her.

2. Help Me Dry the Tears I've Cried

My life has become one big blur. I do the same things every day, I feel the same way everyday. I know what will happen and it’s made me question why I stick to the same regime. Why is it that I feel I have to behave properly and predictably? Why is it that I can’t just do something spontaneous? And I answer myself with a simple reason: because I do what is expected of me. I have created an image of the perfect student and I must stick to that.

I’m not completely unhappy – I do have friends and we have fun together – but it is simply the inertia of my life that depresses me. I do the same things. I have the same outlook on life every single day. There is never anything that changes my view of the world. Yet I know there could be. Just a small thing, a gesture, an event – anything.

All I need to do is find someone who can give me all of that.

*

I sat comfortably at the Gryffindor table, eating my breakfast and perusing the Daily Prophet. Bryony and Katrina were excitedly discussing the next Hogsmeade trip and all that they needed to buy. I was too tired to participate in the energetic exchange and I had read all the articles of interest in the newspaper, so I rose from the table and wandered towards the library, casting my mind back to the previous day.

It had been one of the most intriguing days of my four years at Hogwarts. I never would have normally thought of befriending a Slytherin, but Severus Snape suddenly seemed so much more interesting. Who would’ve thought he was so intelligent or polite? I had always thought of him as a brooding figure so deep in the Dark Arts that he could barely see past them. However, this opinion was probably influenced by the negativity towards Slytherin in my house, and – though I hated to admit it, Potter’s take on Snape. Potter had always disliked Snape, and vice versa. I was beginning to definitely see Snape’s side of things – Potter was so rude and arrogant he made my skin crawl. But that day had made me see that Severus was…different.

He had acted very strangely that night, though. He was suddenly cagey; not at all the enthusiastic, smart person I had talked with in Potions. He had seemed almost nervous to see me. I wondered if I had said something wrong, or he didn’t want to be seen with me outside of lessons.

Maybe I had been too hopeful. Yes – it was ludicrous of me to think that just because we had enjoyed a discussion in lesson time we could be friends. A Gryffindor and a Slytherin? Friends?! I laughed at myself in retrospect and strode into the library.

The dusty silence that filled the place gave me a sense of serenity. I ambled along the aisles, running my hand along the spines and searching for the book I knew I would need for my Transfiguration homework.

Just as my finger located the book I wanted, I heard someone call my name.

“Lily! Lily!� Katrina was calling as she poked her head around the aisles, attempting to find me.

“I’m here,� I said as her walnut hair came into view. She flashed me a smile and hurried down to where I was flicking through Peanut to Pecan: Advanced Concepts of Transfiguration.

“Letter for you,� she panted, tossing a yellowing envelope onto the open book. I was surprised to see Petunia’s handwriting, and eagerly set down the book to read the letter within.

“Who’s it from?� Katrina asked, leaning on the nearby shelf.

“My sister,� I answered excitedly, unfolding the piece of paper.

“She doesn’t normally write, does she? I thought you didn’t really get on,� inquired Katrina, a confused expression clouding her face.

I glanced up from the paper. “Yes, I thought so too,� I remarked, “but maybe she’s decided to accept my being a witch. I would like to be able to talk to her like I used to.� I turned back to the letter and began reading.

Dear Lily,
I’m writing to inform you that I am engaged to be married. You remember Vernon Dursley? He proposed a few nights ago. I would like to take this opportunity to say that I deeply disapprove of your utter lunacy in thinking that you are magical, and will therefore not be inviting you to the wedding. I hope that one day you will come to your senses – but until that day arrives, I wish never to see you again.
Yours, Petunia.

My mind suddenly felt as though it had been filled with freezing water. I choked as I attempted to speak, utter disbelief washing through my stomach. The beginnings of tears pricked my eyes as the letter gently fluttered from my slackened grip.

“Lily? Lily, are you alright?� Katrina’s worried voice seemed to come from very far away, like an echo across a desolate ocean.

“I – I…� My throat tightened. “I need to be alone,� I managed to force out.

“Lily, whatever is it?�

“Just – just read this,� I said eventually, picking up the piece of paper and laying in on her outstretched hand. As she began to read, I took my chance and slipped away up to the Owlery.

My feet slid on the damp steps as I ascended to the small room. I let myself go, allowing the tears I had held back previously to cascade down my cheek. I leant against the wall, trying to compose myself, but succeeded only in sliding down onto the floor, my eyes leaking ceaselessly as I tried to come to terms with my sister’s cruelty.

As I sat there, my sobs slowing, I heard someone approaching. I was desperate to hide my weakness, and hastily tried to wipe away the tearstains, but the person reached the door before I could finish.

Severus Snape came through the door, clutching a letter. I registered his surprise and concern at my state as he looked down at me. I scrambled to my feet and tried to escape, but he caught my shoulder and turned me to face him.

“What is it? What’s wrong?� I detected concern in his voice and looked into his eyes, surprised to discover that their liquorice was so ensnaring. I paused for a moment then looked to my feet before replying, “It doesn’t matter.�

“Of course it matters,� he maintained. “Why are you crying?�

I had a sudden urge to confide in him – I couldn’t explain why I could tell Snape, even before my best friends. I felt an abrupt…connection with him. And so I backed down and began to tell him. Once I had finished he sighed, resting a hand on my shoulder.

“I know it must be difficult to hear, but you seem to be better off without her,� he stated gently. “She didn’t want to accept you. You deserve better than that.� His hand slowly travelled to my cheek. His wiped away the fresh tear that had escaped my eye with his rough thumb.

I began to grow hot. This wasn’t supposed to happen! Why was I feeling like this just because he touched my cheek? Alarmed, I moved away from his hand. He brought it down quickly and swivelled towards the door, muttering, “Of course.�

As he opened the door, I spoke to him. “Thank you. Thank you for – for listening. Caring. I – thank you.� I smiled weakly, my vision slightly blurred.

“It was no problem. Everyone is allowed to cry, even you, Lily.� And with that he moved out of the room, shut the door, and began to descend the steps.

I looked at the door, barely breathing. I didn’t understand what I was feeling and why. I couldn’t make sense of anything. All I could think of was his last word.

“Lily.�

3. One Kiss and the Sky Vanishes

Severus Snape slowly walked along the corridor, the memory of consoling Lily still reverberating around his mind. She had seemed so vulnerable, and all Severus had wanted to do was kiss her into a world of blissful oblivion where everything else would vanish. Yet he knew that it would never happen. Lily was so amazing and kind – it seemed impossible that she could ever see him in the way that he had seen her for almost two entire years. He would just have to continue as he was, trudging on in the background as love entered and left her life at its ease.

The corridors were silent as he paced up and down them, working his way further and further down the building, images of autumnal hair and jewelled eyes flickering through his mind’s eye. He wondered where she was patrolling at that moment; hoping that he would accidentally run into her so that they could have another intelligent exchange.

Having reached the ground floor, Severus turned towards the cold passageway that led to the dungeon. He began to descend, running his hands along the coarse rock of the walls and shivering as the fibres caught on his skin.

And there she was. Lily Evans stood by the door that led to a classroom, smiling weakly at the new arrival of Severus. She seemed to have warmth radiating from her which neutralised the bitter air that attempted to reach his body.

“I’ve been chasing second years back to their respective dormitories,� she explained. “So once that was done, I decided this was the best place to find peace and quiet so I could cool off.�

Severus nodded, eying the hollow passages with affection. These very walls reminded him of his passion – the one thing that had made Lily notice him, and how she had begun to recognise him as a friend. “I love coming down here when it’s empty. The place has a feeling of calm…tranquillity, even.� He smiled.

Lily smiled back, her hair illuminated by the firelight. “It’s amazing how similarly we think,� she stated with conviction, fixing Severus with an intrigued gaze.

Severus’ body tingled with electricity a she looked at him. His eyes travelled over her half-smile and he suddenly found a hint of upset hidden in the salmon folds of her lips.

“Are you alright?� he asked, concern creeping into his tone. Her eyes were now oddly bright as she slid them away from his.

“I’m fine,� she replied, her voice becoming gradually less steady, “don’t worry.�

“But I do worry,� Severus insisted. “What is it that’s wrong?�

Lily’s voice gave way as she turned to face Severus, her eyes glimmering as the tears within them reflected the light of the fire behind him. “Oh…I don’t know…I’ll be ok. It’s fine – really.� She stemmed the flow of tears as she steadied her voice.
“Everyone in this world seems to be so prejudice!� she suddenly cried out. “I don’t know why my friends have to be like this! Why do they force me to choose?� Tears slipped from her eyes as she spoke, travelling down her ivory cheek and falling to the floor.

Severus moved closer to Lily as she attempted to brush away the remaining teardrops from her eyes. “Lily…I don’t know what’s happened. I don’t know who is making you choose what. But you have to go with what feels right to you. You’re the most incredible person I’ve ever met. I love it that you are not afraid to speak up for what you believe in,� he insisted, staring into her eyes once more.

There was a long pause. Then Severus took a deep breath.

“And, Lily,� he murmured, “you’re beautiful.�

Their faces were now only inches apart. Lily was staring straight into Severus’ eyes, and she could see such honesty shining from them. Suddenly, the grey in them seemed reassuring and yet captivating at the same time. She could feel the heat emanating from his chest, and it passed though her body as well, making her want to move closer in.

Severus returned Lily’s absorbing gaze and could only see the emerald green that was bewitching his mind. He could feel nothing but her hand coming to rest on his shoulder, could hear nothing but her nervous breaths as she drew closer, could smell nothing but the faint musk that always reminded him of Lily.

And eventually, neither of them cared what the other was thinking, neither cared what running through their own mind. They finally lost each other in the intensity of the moment and their lips met in a breathtaking kiss.

And just for that one moment, the sky vanished, and the world did not matter.

It was later on that week and Severus was standing outside, the cold wind biting at his face. Hearing a jeer from behind, he turned to see James Potter’s face. He was accompanied, as usual, by Sirius Black, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew.

“So, Snivelly, what’ve you been so happy about these past few days? Finally understood how shampoo works? Oh, no, I guess not!� sniggered Sirius.

“Have you got nothing better to do than make fun of people, Black? Oh, no, I guess not!� Severus retorted, mimicking Sirius’ unkind voice.

Suddenly, five wands were drawn. Severus looked around. Their were no teachers here, and Black, Pettigrew, Lupin and Potter were all advancing towards him. He let his anger and hatred of the four boys before him build up before he began sending hexes at them, the fiery sparks blazing through the air towards them. They were quick to retaliate. The fight became more and more heated until eventually, Severus yelled, �Sepensortia!� A snake erupted from his wand and went flying to the ground, slithering towards James. Just as he looked up in triumph, he suddenly became aware of someone standing directly across the courtyard from him, frozen in utter horror.

Then suddenly, she was gone. He tore after her, hopelessly searching every place he could think of before the bell rang and he realised he was too late. The damage was done.

Once again, that night Lily had patrol duties. She left the Gryffindor Common Room quickly, refusing to talk to or even look at anyone. All she knew was that she needed an explanation. A reason. Something.

She knew he would be looking for her too. He would hopefully be about to show her that he was somehow not to blame, or entirely justified – but then again, how could he be? Thoughts raged through her head as she searched the corridors. Finally, she realised she knew where he would be. She just wished it didn’t have to be so. It was where they had truly discovered each other…where they had kissed only days ago…

Lily found herself descending the steps to the dungeon without being conscious of directing herself. Reaching the bottom of the steps, she saw him standing there, by the fire, watching her walk towards him.

She stopped a good distance away from him, and for a moment, they just looked at each other. Then Severus took a step forwards and began to speak.

“Lily, I’m –�

“Was there a reason?� she cut him off with a question uttered in the softest of voices. He didn’t answer.

“Did they insult your family? Did they bring back an awful memory of yours? Or was it just that you loved being able to inflict pain?� she asked almost accusingly. Again, Severus said nothing.

Lily’s eyes searched Severus’ face. It was blank and empty, as if he was trying to deliberately shut her out. It was at this moment that Lily knew she couldn’t trust him anymore. She knew then that he was just the same as the rest of them.

“I made myself believe you were different,� Lily said quietly, her voice calm, yet laced with utter sorrow. “I ignored what all my friends told me about you. I trusted you. I thought that maybe you had changed now. But you haven’t. You’re just like them, you know. Potter, Lupin, Black, Pettigrew. And that’s why I have to go.�

He looked deep into her eyes, trying to capture her again, but she could no longer see the enchanting man she saw before. She could see only Severus Snape, a Slytherin that was so well-known for his involvement in the Dark Arts and cruelty to other students.

With the realisation of her words, his eyes became hollow. His face contorted into a look of pure agony. Suddenly, the stars had all burned out. He opened his mouth, but no sound would come out.

“I really thought we could work…� Lily choked out as she backed towards the door leading up to the entrance hall. She turned and unlatched the black door, swinging it open. Just as she was about ascend the steps, she swivelled back to face Severus.

“Maybe if things had been different…maybe if you had…� she whispered, then hurriedly climbed up the steps.

“Lily!� Severus called desperately, abruptly regaining the ability to move and speak. “Lily! Lily…� But she had already gone. He turned back to the room.

He had been so close. So close to getting all that he had ever dreamed of. And he had ruined it all because of that stupid Potter. The anger at himself and loss burned in his heart. It was all his fault.

Everything suddenly seemed so much darker than before. He stared into the midnight that swirled in the air, fighting the urge to let tears spill out.

He could still see Lily’s captivating eyes dancing before him, haunting him, because now they were completely out of reach.

Like emeralds caught in a fire.