How did this happen? How did we fall apart? One of the only things in all of Hogwarts I can’t even begin to understand is Ron. In first year, he and Harry overlooked my brains and bossiness and accepted me into their friendship. We only got closer after that, helping Harry find the Philosopher’s Stone, and figuring out the truth about the Chamber of Secrets myth the next year.

I was too afraid to admit it then, but as we grew older, I started to view Ron differently. He was no longer the best friend to whom I could go to for anything. As we grew older, I realized that I actually fancied my best friend. However, as we grew older, we also got into more and more fights. Sometimes we wouldn’t talk for an entire day, and every time, it killed me inside.

We tried to pretend like nothing was happening, but we both realized that we were slowly drifting apart; I think even Harry noticed it. We would fight about the smallest things, though the more we fought, the more I just wanted to make up with him. But my stupid pride was in the way. It broke my heart to see Ron walk away every time we fought. My heart kept telling me to call out, to tell him that I didn’t want to fight anymore, but my voice wouldn’t listen.

Then, in sixth year, just when I thought we had reached the calm of the storm, Lavender Brown came strutting into the picture, giggling with Parvati like Ron was the hottest thing around. Maybe having a boyfriend was one of those things that was “popular� at the time…

That’s when it all fell apart. I started spending more time alone, or with Harry and Ginny, who Harry was starting to take a fancy to; something Ron would have noticed if he hadn’t been snogging Lavender in all of his spare time.

Suddenly, I felt like I didn’t belong anymore. I was in love with my best friend, who was busy snogging my dorm mate. My other best friend was spending more and more time with Ron’s sister. Where was I in all of this? I felt like an outsider, an intrusive stranger, looking in on all of their lives.

Harry and Ginny tried to make it better, but nothing–no one–could fill the void Ron had left. Harry even started doing some homework with me, so I didn’t spend so much time on my own.

A few nights ago, I was doing my homework in the common room, at my favourite table near the back corner–it gives me an excellent view of the common room with the advantage of staying in the shadows. I was working peacefully on the Transfiguration essay McGonagall had assigned us, when who should enter the common room but Ron and Lavender. She was laughing sickeningly and clutching onto his arm possessively. I repressed the urge to go over to Lavender and drag Ron away from the make-up obsessed girl.

I picked up my quill, needles stabbing at my heart. I turned back to the essay I was writing, but I couldn’t concentrate. My eyes kept flicking up to Ron and Lavender, who moved to the couch in front of the fire. Lavender was snuggled up close to him, whispering something in his ear. I watched as he laughed nervously before Lavender engaged his mouth–his gorgeous mouth–for something else.

Ron looked like he was running his fingers through her hair half-heartedly, like something else was on his mind. But who am I to say that he isn’t putting in a full effort? I’ve never had those hands running through my hair…

I turned back to my essay, not being able to bear looking at Ron being that…friendly…with Lavender. I still couldn’t concentrate. What was so great about Lavender! I’m his best friend! I packed my things away neatly into my bag, which I then slung over my shoulder, and started walking towards the girls’ dormitories. Ron didn’t move–his prior engagements with Lavender finally abandoned–and he didn’t acknowledge my presence (not that I really expected him to, since I had recently sent a flock of birds to attack him), but I knew that he knew that I was walking by.

I hope I looked composed and unfazed, because I certainly didn’t feel that way. My legs felt like jelly, my heart was beating a thousand times a second, and I was more aware of myself than I’d ever been before.

After what felt like years I finally made it to the staircase. I chanced a glance back at Ron as I was going up the spiral; he had his arm around Lavender, who was looking too content for my liking. I hurried up the staircase to my dorm, slamming the door behind me.

Luckily it was early, so none of my dorm mates were in the room, because I completely broke down. I ran to my bed, hugging my pillow and reaching for my childhood teddy bear.

I don’t know how long I lay there for, just letting the tears fall without restraint. Every bitter thought I had ever had about Lavender was creeping its way into my brain. I thought about my six years at Hogwarts; how close Ron and I had been, and how much it pained me even more to think of how distant we’d become. I realized I had taken too much for granted: sitting next to him in class, eating and laughing with him, and even studying with him. I took everything for granted, and then it all disappeared. No more sitting next to Ron in class, no more eating with him, or laughing, or even studying. How much I would give to spend a day with him. Just one day. A day like in fifth year, when we didn’t fight as much, and we were still talking. When he and Harry would fall behind on their homework, and we would all stay up late. And I would give in and eventually correct it…

Looking back, I miss our fights so much. We always fought over the stupidest things, and then we would be perfectly friendly the next day. I miss that more than words can say. Everyday, I would tell myself, “Today will be the day that Ron dumps Lavender�. But that day hasn’t yet come. I go through my days hoping, praying, that the day will be the one. But it seems as if we’re growing farther and farther apart with every passing day.

When I was little, my father always used to tell me that miracles can happen. I guess I was young and naïve back then, because I learned a valuable lesson as I wept: miracles don’t really come true.

It’s funny when you find yourself
Looking from the outside
I’m standing here but all I want
Is to be over there
Why did I let myself believe
That miracles could happen?
‘Cause now I have to pretend
That I don’t really care
*~*~*
I thought you were my fairytale
My dream when I’m not sleeping
A wish upon a star that’s coming true
*~*~*
Now I know you’re not a fairytale
And dreams were meant for sleeping
And wishes on a star just don’t come true
*~*~*
Because I liked the view
I though you felt it too
When there was me and you

A few nights ago I was on a date with Lavender Brown, one of the prettiest girls in my year. We went to the North Tower. Maybe not such a good idea; it was actually kind of cool out.

We were eating a picnic the house elves had packed us and sitting on a fluffy, comfortable blanket. As much as us guys don’t like to admit it, this was my ideal date. So why wasn’t I happy?

I looked up at Lavender, her chocolate brown eyes twinkling merrily, her make-up done perfectly. She did her hair up nicely with a couple of fancy clips – I think Lavender called them barrettes…or something…She had even run back to the dorm to change into ‘date clothes’. The only problem was that she wore a t-shirt and it was cool, so I had to lend her my cloak, which was a couple sizes too big for her. She looked perfect, though, too perfect.

She isn’t Hermione, said a voice in my head.

I was so surprised I choked on my food, not even realizing that it isn’t healthy to have voices in your head. Lavender leaned over, making sure that I was okay. I casually waved it off. She seemed satisfied since she went back to her original position across from me, chewing her food.

For me, the night passed by extremely slowly. We ate mostly in silence, but Lavender still looked like she was in Heaven. She kept pulling my cloak tighter around herself. I kept thinking that Hermione would look a million times better with my cloak on than Lavender ever would.

After what I thought was hours, Lavender suggested that we go back to the common room. What a relief, I thought. I felt bad for planning to break up with Lavender after only a few dates, but I was sure she would understand. Little did I know what she had planned in the common room.

We packed everything away and started back to the common room. Lavender kept brushing her arm against mine. When I looked at her, she would just smile largely and face ahead. I didn’t understand. Couldn’t she walk straight?

We turned the last corner and saw the Fat Lady. I muttered the password and I stepped through the passage, offering my hand to Lavender. She took it, and even though I didn’t want her to–yes, now I realize that she couldn’t read my mind–she didn’t let go. Then, she started laughing like a mad woman! I didn’t even say anything!

She dragged me into the common room, that silly smile still stuck on her face. I was a little frightened. She looked too happy.

Almost by themselves, my eyes scanned the room for Hermione. I saw her sitting at her favourite table at the back. My heart leapt. Most people wouldn’t even have noticed. They would have to know that she was there.

I was about to wave at her, wishing for an escape from Lavender, when Lavender took my other hand and led me to the couch. As soon as I sat down she sat down next to me, snuggling up really close. Just as I chose how I should break up with her, she leaned up to me and whispered something in my ear. I laughed nervously, not having the faintest clue what she said; I had been thinking about a certain smart, bushy haired witch.

And then, right out of nowhere, she sat up and kissed me! Well, it might not have been out of nowhere–I probably should have listened to what she was telling me. I was shocked, and then I panicked. I still wasn’t used to this kissing thing!

Lavender wound her arms around my neck, so I figured I’d just…I dunno…er…play with her hair? It sounded like a good idea at the time. I almost gasped when my fingers touched Lavender’s hair. It was so smooth…so…not Hermione’s.

Thank Merlin Lavender pulled away, because I was starting to run out of air. She just looked satisfied as she leaned back against me, sliding under my arm. She might be okay, but I was waiting for an explanation. Aren’t you supposed to give a person a warning before you kiss them?

While I was pondering that–Hermione taught me that word–I saw movement in Hermione’s corner, so I quickly looked over at her. She was packing her things into her bag.

I looked away as she passed, but I still thought she seemed nervous about something. It can’t have been school; we didn’t have any tests or major assignments coming up…or, at least, I didn’t think we did.

I frowned. The common room looked empty without Hermione.

I turned back to the fire in front of me. All of a sudden, my heart seemed heavy. Painfully heavy. Is that normal? I wondered if I should owl St. Mungo’s. As I looked back on the night, it seemed like my heart felt lightest when Lavender decided to snog me. Maybe I just wasn’t getting enough air.

I muttered a quick goodnight to Lavender before going to my own dorm, taking the stairs three at a time. When I reached my dorm none of my mates were there. Thank Merlin; I just wanted to be alone for a while.

I changed into my maroon pajamas–thanks, Mum–and slid under my covers. I propped myself up on my elbow, looking at the picture of Harry, Hermione and I that was on my bedside table. Harry got Seamus to take it after we had finished our OWLs last year.

My eyes gravitated–word of the week in the homework planner Hermione had gotten me for Christmas–towards Hermione. She was standing in the middle, the black lake visible just behind us. Her eyes were sparkling and her hair was blowing back and forth in the light wind. She had slung her arms around Harry and me, grinning. She looked beautiful in that picture. So relieved, yet anxious about her results. As I stared, my heart got heavier and heavier–honestly, I should‘ve owled St. Mungo’s…

My sleep that night was restless. I kept having dreams of snogging Lavender, and my heart would be so light…then she would turn into Hermione, and my heart would drop. Her face always showed shock, anger and betrayal. My heart fell even more when I looked at her. All I wanted to do was make her smile…

And it only hurts when I’m breathing
My heart only breaks when it’s beating
My dreams only die when I’m dreaming
So I hold my breath to forget