Secret Keeper


Remus J. Lupin has always loved Lily Evans from afar. She was one of the very few, the microscopic few, who looked beyond his outer image. To those who knew simply his secret and not him, Remus was nothing more than a monster. Yet Lily saw more than that, she could see the beauty within the beast. Each day she had a warm smile waiting for him and a readily helping hand. Her words soothed him when his friends just couldn’t understand. Sure, they had become Animagi for him, even out of love, but there were parts to him that they could and would never see. Lily saw them and only her.

Every morning, after the full moons and the initial bandaging courtesy of his friends and Madam Pomfrey, Lily would always be there to give him fresh bandages and newly brewed potions to mend the remaining wounds and soothe the aches, especially when he seemed to need them most. Remus knew that neither James nor Sirius would ever think to do that on the assumption that Madam Pomfrey could cure all, and Peter followed those two around like a homesick puppy so often that Remus doubted he was even capable of free thought. All he ever did was jump to their command and followed every beckoning call. In fact, Remus now doubted that the word “no� even existed in the boy’s vocabulary anymore.

In his opinion, as affectionate as they were and as brotherly, only Lily truly cared. It was no wonder that Remus fell in love with her. More so, as faithful as the bond was in the Marauders, nothing stung worse or felt more like betrayal than when James came forward in front of their entire group within the Shrieking Shack and proclaimed his undying affection that went beyond what was already known for a certain red-haired, green-eyed beauty of Hogwarts.

Remus always knew James had a crush on her, yet he often believed it was simply that and nothing more. For James to come right out and announce that his simple crush was in fact love, couple that with him literally on his knees begging for help, it was then that Remus knew he had lost. James was the sort of person where once his mind was set to it he would get whatever he wanted. He had even gone as far as exchanging his rebellious ways, much to Sirius’s condemnation, for a set of books and the placement of Head boy, a position that rightfully belonged to Remus. He did not do this to turn his life around for the better, achieve a good career or even an accepting place in life. Those were Remus’s reasons, to know as much as there was to know, be the best around and sought after in life, become talented.… To be wanted. No, James did it to impress Lily and the poor sap failed miserably. Now he resorted to crawling in the dirt to show his desperation. It nearly made Remus sick. James, however, was his friend and he loved him dearly, therefore…

“You will?! Oh, thank you, Remus! Thank you! I don’t know how I’ll ever repay you!�

“If it works,� Sirius grinned as James lunged himself at Remus and took him up in a fierce embrace. “Remember the last time you tried to impress her? See how that turned out?� he nearly mocked.

“But now I have you all helping me! I can’t lose!�

Yes, Remus definitely felt ill.

From that point on, the goal of the Marauders was not to cause mischief and mayhem. Instead, it was to win the hand of the fair Lily Evans. First, they tried Sirius’s tactics: roses, poems, opening doors, and being as chivalrous as possible. Much to their remorse, nothing worked.

“I don’t think it was wise to say that her eyes were a green as slugs and baby toads.�

“Sod off, Wormtail.�

“I’m just saying.�

“Shut it, Wormtail!�

Remus didn’t feel the least bit sympathetic for the boy. He did catch, however, when the latter seemed to mumble something under his breath and draw within him, slouching as he did so. Nevertheless, before he could dwell on it any, James abruptly mentioned that he had rounds to make and bid them all goodnight.

“Hope you run into Lily while you’re out there!� Sirius called.

James simply waved him off and disappeared through the portrait and out the common room. Remus stared after him, his quill poised in mid-air over his homework. As James’s friend, he should be wishing him all the best of luck and hope that he actually sees her while he’s out and everything goes well. Yet, some part of him couldn’t shake the longing for James to fail, to come back miserable and empty handed. With all his efforts spent within the Marauders, Remus hadn’t spoken with Lily in over a week! Seeing as they were in the same house, that was quite an accomplishment. Each time he realized this, he felt that much worse because he knew Lily deserved better, not some prankster turned prince. Then he remembered that she didn’t deserve a werewolf either.

“Oy! Moony! Your ink!�

Remus snapped out of his reverie and gazed down at his parchment. The suspended quill had oozed jet-black ink all over his homework, soiling it beyond repair.

“You can’t turn that in! You’ll have to re-write everything!�

“Can’t he just use a spell and clean it off?�

“How thick are you, Wormtail?! Are you in your seventh year or first? If he used a charm, whatever’s salvageable will be completely erased and he really would have to do it all over!�

“I knew that…�

Remus absentmindedly heard them as he reached down and pulled another piece of parchment from his bag. It would be no problem writing everything again, seeing as he practically knew the information by heart. That and it would give him something to do; after all, he felt a desperate need to be preoccupied and kept busy. Anything to keep his mind off —

“Oy, Moony, what’s wrong?� Sirius asked as he leaned across the small round table, his long bangs falling gracefully in front of his eyes. “You’ve been awfully quiet lately.�

“It’s nothing,� he answered softly, his hand already set to scribbling information. “Just thinking.�

“Well, you’d better not be thinking too hard about that ruddy homework, we need to concentrate on how we’re going to get Prongs and Evans together.�

For a split second, the monotonous motion of Remus’s writing faltered before he corrected himself and continued as if nothing out of the ordinary had occurred. “Don’t you have anymore bright ideas?�

Sirius sniffed, stretched back in his chair and yawned, his tongue lolling about just like a dog. “Nah, not tonight,� he drawled. “I’ll think of something in the morning.� With that, he seemed content to remain a reclined position with his hands folded neatly behind his head and tilting his chair backwards onto two legs.

“So what are you going to do now?�

“Sit here,� he stated with a grin, his eyes languidly kept shut.

“And your homework?�

“Done hours ago. Honestly, Moony, you worry too much.�

“My apologies if I have a sense of responsibility.�

Sirius, even in his still state, froze. “That wasn’t funny.�

“Wasn’t meant to be,� he answered as he continued writing, glancing occasionally at the old parchment for reference. “It was merely a statement of fact. I know work needs to be done while all you want to do is play, equally understandable.�

Sirius placed his chair squarely on the ground with a sharp thud. Peter, who had been watching them intently, jumped while Remus calmly raised his gaze to meet a hard gray stare. They eyed each other, neither saying anything, before Remus finally relented.

“I know you miss those raids and adventures with James, but sometimes —�

“This isn’t about James!� Sirius snapped.

“Of course it isn’t. But seeing as I’m always studying, perhaps you could take Peter —�

“Wormtail? Take Wormtail with me? Give me a break! We’d be caught instantly with him tripping all over the place!�

“But if I go as a rat —�

“You’d scamper across the Headmaster’s feet and then were would we be? Prongs at least had the sense to pull you back all those times. I don’t nearly have the patience for that.�

“Then I guess you’ll just have to wait for James to get in the mood again,� Remus stated calmly, returning to his writing.

“Like that’s going to happen. All he ever thinks about is Evans,� Sirius pouted. “It’s never the same anymore.�

For the second time that night, Remus halted in his actions. However, instead of keeping his gaze down, he looked up. “Are you saying you don’t want to see them together?�

“No, it’s not that. I want to see him happy just as much as you do. It’s just that I know once they get together, he’ll spend most of his time around her and forget about us.�

“He won’t forsake us, it’s not in his nature,� said Remus in his firm yet patient voice.

Sirius stared downcast for a long time afterwards, seeming to become engrossed in the design of the carpet. For a while, Remus thought he had given up on the conversation and gone off in his own little world. Peter, who had been watching the pair like a hawk and seeming to receive entirely too much entertainment from their bickering, dropped back in his chair disappointed, grabbed the nearest book, a copy of Remus’s Defense Against the Dark Arts, and began reading simply for something to do.

Remus didn’t know how long they remained as such. The rest of the students had already gone up to bed long before them, some even passing the unusually quiet trio as they went. Their only company seemed to be the constant scratch of the quill, the random pop and crackle of the hearth, and the occasional turn of the page. Finally, after what seemed like an hour, Sirius spoke.

“He won’t leave us.�

Remus started at the sudden statement and stared across the table.

“We’re brothers,� he continued softly, slowly, as if he were contemplating and toying with is words even after he said them. “…It really… isn’t in his nature…�

“Of course not. Oh. Poor boy,� Remus smiled as he turned to Peter and saw that he was fast asleep, the book lying open across his stomach. Reaching over, he gently shook him awake.

“— He’s too persuasive! What? Oh.�

Remus and Sirius blinked for a moment before grinning at each other.

“Have a nightmare, Wormtail? What, was ‘ol Snivelly after you again?�

“Huh, what?� yawned Peter as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes and almost returned to his previous state. “Oh… yeah…�

“You ought to go to bed, Peter,� said Remus as he took his book back. “You’re nearly asleep again as is.�

Nodding in a sort of dream-like trance, Peter obediently rose to his feet and stumbled to the stairway.

“And you?�

“Me?�

“Aren’t you going up too? It’s getting late and I have loads to write still.�

“Nah, I’m not the least bit tired. I think —� but he stopped as a sound caught their attention. There was a soft thud followed by footsteps and they looked up just in time to see James walk away from the portrait entranceway. He wore a deep scowl on his face and seemed to emanate extreme frustration.

“Bad luck then, Prongs?� Sirius smiled, immediately taking up his previous, more common composure.

James stopped parallel with their little round table and glanced sideways at them. At first they thought he would snap, releasing all his anger. Then, slowly, a veil lifted from his cold gaze to reveal the self they were more accustomed with.

“Yeah,� he said simply, a soft smile pulling at his lips. From there, an unspoken message passed between the three of them, a certain understanding not achieved by any other student in the castle, and James continued on his way to bed. Looking over to Remus, Sirius locked eyes and nodded before rising to his feet and following. Remus instantly knew a brotherly conversation was about to commence that he would not be a part of. It was fine by him, as he was certain he would never have the same bond they did.

Finally, he was left to his thoughts, completely alone. The happy fire blazed beside him and he glanced to it, wondering briefly if there had ever been a time where the Marauders kept anything from one another. James and Sirius told each other everything whereas Remus mostly kept things to himself, his lycanthropy obviously not being the first. At the mere thought of secrets, his recent one popped into his thoughts and he physically smacked himself over the head, forcing his eyes onto the still unfinished homework lying on the table. He poured all his attention into the homework and blocked everything else out. All was to no avail, however, as within moments something, or more particularly someone, tore it away and held it fast.

Lily Evans walked into the common room.

Secret Keeper
Chapter 2


It was one of those situations in life where everything seemed to come to a grinding halt. Some people have related the incident to their first glorious flight on a broom, receiving their acceptance letter from Hogwarts, catching the golden Snitch, or the first time they locked eyes with the one they loved. With everything else he experienced in life, Remus doubted he would ever forget this moment. It was that precise reason which caused him to gulp. He didn’t know what to do, what to say. The only thing he could manage was to stay deathly still and silent. Any minute now, his rib cage would shatter from his fiercely beating heart. He thought for sure that Lily could hear it, and if she couldn’t then she must have been deaf.

For a few agonizingly long moments, she stood bathed in the firelight. To say it was hard not to stare at her would be a great understatement. All he wanted to do was rise from his chair, walk up to her, turn her towards him and proclaim his love in one long, blissful kiss. Instead, however, common sense and absolute fear kicked in and he merely sat and watched as the blaze transformed everything about her, turning her into a sort of nymph or angelic siren.

Her green eyes almost appeared to be glowing in the light, lit with an internal fervor that seemed to rage about her, consuming her entire body suggesting absolute loathing over something. Yet, seconds after she experienced this, she would soften to the point where she appeared to go limp. It was almost as if some unknown force she willingly surrendered to had left her vulnerable and lost. Remus watched all this, transfixed by the innumerable shades and hues in her hair and the way the light fell on her just so. All of it pierced through him and he could not find the strength to pry his eyes away. He couldn’t do anything, except stare.

Minutes ticked by like this as Remus watched a silent battle wage within Lily’s mind, the emotions displayed for all to see if they simply looked into her eyes. He now wished he could simply glance away, pack up his things, and retire. Lily belonged to James, that’s the way it was and that’s how it would be even if she were a bit stubborn and wouldn’t admit to it yet. However, right as he finally made his move and pulled the old piece of parchment close to him, Lily turned. Contrary to what his mind wanted to do, his body continued moving, traveling at such a sluggish, ambling pace it seemed as if time had slowed simply to give them enough to gaze at one another. Even as he rolled his parchment and reached for the bag beneath his feet, he looked at her. Finally, when everything had been placed in an orderly fashion inside the pack, Remus stopped and rested his arms on the table, leaning on them for support, distantly wondering how he was able to do such a thing and not falter or blush.

Then Lily smiled at him, a simple act that turned Remus to absolute jelly inside. Her eyes, once so uncertain, glittered with newfound hope and affection.

“You’re looking well,� she said casually as she strode to his table and took a seat. He vaguely noted, as he returned the smile, that it was the exact spot James occupied just hours before.

“Thank you,� he nodded. “And you?�

“I’m fine —�

“You’re not.�

She blinked at him. “What?�

“Lily, in all the years we’ve known each other, I think I’d be able to tell if something was bothering you. And there is. Now, what’s wrong?�

She gazed at him critically for a few moments, her eyes searching his, before she sighed and leaned her forehead against her hand. “You know me too well…�

“That I do. Now… is it James?�

“Again, you know me too well…� she groaned.

Remus emitted a sigh and leaned back in his seat. “If you would just give him a shot, you’ll see he’s not that bad.�

“Oh, I’ll give him a shot, alright… bang! Right through the head. Then maybe that’ll shut him up,� she snapped suddenly.

Completely astonished at her remark, it was all he could do to raise his eyebrows at her. “That was… harsh…�

“Look, Remus, I know you’re friends with him and I respect that, really I do… it’s just that.…�

“That…?�

“James Potter is a great, intolerable prick!�

“W-what?� he sputtered as the Lily he saw before, the strong-willed infuriated girl who stared so vehemently towards the fire, now did the same at the tabletop.

“That boy…� she seethed, and had her eyes been able to emit some form of energy he was sure a hole would have burnt through the table by now. “That – boy – simply will not cease!�

Remus took in a very deep breath and closed his eyes, somehow knowing this was coming.

“Go on,� he said calmly.

“Every day it’s the same thing,� she spouted, her words coming forth as if they had a mind of their own and needn’t be told twice what to do. “The same ogling, the same infatuation, messing his hair to make it seem like he just got off his broom, I want it all to stop. But no, I tell him so and he simply persists! He will not go away!�

“It’s kind of hard to go away when you’re both in the same house.�

Lily emitted some sort of sound that was a cross between an acknowledgement and annoyance before she turned to face him, impatience written clearly across her face. “It’s not just him!� she cried. “He’s dragging everyone else into it! Why, if I had a guess, I’d say the entire house is in on it.�

“That would mean I am too.�

“I know. That’s why I’m talking to you.� She reached out and took hold of his hand again. Remus looked down at it, his eyes wide, before returning his attention to Lily. Again, her mask fell and uncertainty shown through.

“Remus,� she said softly, her words almost cooing him. “You are the only one I can talk to who knows how to get to him, to make him stop. I can’t deal with this day in and day out. Please,� she strengthened her grasp. “Please, make him stop. I don’t know how much longer I’ll…� but she stopped, as the words had seemed to fail her.

It was then, in that one small moment of gazing into her eyes, that Remus realized what she was truly asking him to do.

“You don’t want him to stop, do you?� he whispered, his eyes penetrating deep within her.

She blinked against him. “Are you implying that I like him too?�

“Yes,� he put bluntly, his heart shattering inside as he did so. “That’s exactly what I’m saying.�

Instantly, Lily snatched her hand away. “How… but how could you…?�

“If you want to make him stop,� he took another deep breath, fighting to bring the words to the surface regardless of how hard his heart attempted to block the way. “…Then go out with him.�

“Remus!� she gasped. “You’d really… you’d want me to…�

“Lily,� he reached for her hand again, only to see her recoil from his touch. Taking a very painful gulp, he tried another approach. “You’ve always been there for me, and to that I am thankful. However —�

She shook her head quickly, her hair flailing about her with the essence of a scarlet curtain caught in the breeze. “Remus, I don’t know if…�

“Lily… he loves you,� he confessed, desperately trying to keep back the aching feeling trapped within his throat. “He loves you,� he said again, his voice tight. “He always has and he always will.�

“But… I… Remus, I —�

“Listen to me, alright,� he blurted, a bit too quickly and too harsh for his liking. He sighed again and lowered his posture, cradling his head in his hands if only to hide the pained expression dominating his entire being. “He loves you.�

“Remus —�

“With as much pain as it causes you, he goes through the same amount every day. Sometimes ten fold.�

She started shaking her head again. “No, Remus, no, I don’t — there’s —�

“There’s always going to be something else he’ll try. He’ll always be there, no matter what you do. Even if it’s one date, just one, maybe he’ll stop.�

“You know as well as I do that he won’t. And don’t try to lie to me to say otherwise.�

He braved a glance towards her, praying she couldn’t read between the lines and figure out how much it hurt him to say all that he was. “It may be our only option…�

“There has to be another way to make him stop.�

“I don’t think there is,� he whispered, his voice barely audible over the crackling of the fire. “Some things, I think, are inevitable.�

“Like us?�

“…what?�

“As friends, I mean,� she blushed.

“Well – then – yes,� he stammered, his own blush creeping to the surface. “Yes, I suppose so.�

“Then, as my friend, will you at least talk to him? What makes me so appealing to him anyway?�

It was at that moment that Remus couldn’t help but tilt his head back and laugh, genuinely laugh. Lily stared at him, completely bewildered and stunned as his chortles continued for a few minutes. He didn’t know what spurred him to go for such a long time, but it was at least a few good minutes before he stopped and wiped stray tears from his eyes. “What makes you so appealing?!� he grinned. “Everything, Lily! Everything about you! James would be mad not to like you. Bloody hell! Every boy in this entire school would be mad not to! Look at you!� He gestured towards her, further making his point. “You’re beautiful and nearly an angel to so many already.�

She blushed at his comments, obviously not expecting a word he said but found that she could not tear her gaze away.

“You’re the most talented girl in Hogwarts and absolute murder in Charms,� he continued, blurting out everything left and right driven by some unknown commanding urge that he couldn’t shake. “You wonder why no one tries anything with you? They’re scared, that’s why! Up against you in a duel, no one has a chance! James sees that. He sees what you are and he sees all your good points and all your strengths. He may even see you as a challenge, I don’t know. All I know is that he’s head over heels in love with you and he’s not the only one!�

“Wait,� she stopped him. “Not the only one? Who else then?�

“Well, I, er…� Remus stopped, abruptly coming to his senses and cursing whatever higher power above that made him confess everything he had. “Like I said, every boy at school would be mad not to like you, so… er… I’m sure there are quite a few who actually do.�

“I see.� Her brow furrowed at his answer but she listened patiently nonetheless.

“Er… besides!� he smiled nervously. “Look at it this way, he’s always there.�

“I thought we came to an agreement that his constant presence was a bad thing?�

“Well, yes, in so many words. However, that could be a great help in quite a few situations. You’re Head girl and boy, so you both have common responsibilities and duties. He can help you there.� Remus knew he was rambling, but he was willing to take any chance he could to make her think of James and not the possibility that another just as close to her, sitting beside her in fact, liked her as well.

“Not to mention everything else during the day,� he continued, not once allowing her to have any say in things. “I mean, he’s always there for you when you need him, ready to lend a helping hand with a potion or a spell. He’s always there to greet you each morning and say goodnight in the evening. He’d probably present you with flowers every day if he could. And I’m sure he’d be there to back you up when someone unwittingly picks a fight with you,� he chuckled at that last part.

In response to all this, Lily simply stared at the table again, lost in thought. “Yes, that is true. And… always there to talk to when I need someone, understanding everything without the need to ask questions. Not to mention… a loving shoulder to cry on if need be.�

“Yes… I suppose he would do that,� Remus answered, looking at her oddly.

She shook her head then, as if surfacing from some trance and looked up at him, her eyes seeming to take him in completely. If he didn’t know better, it was almost as if she were seeing him in a whole new light.

“Do you like me, Remus?� she asked softly, her words coming smoothly and surely, as if she had practiced saying it for weeks.

In that instant his heart stopped. He stared at her, his eyes wide and almost fearful, before he forced a smile and good nature.

“I adore you, Lily,� he beamed and took hold of her hand again, giving it a gentle squeeze. “And because of that I want nothing but the best for you. You’ve always been there for me and you are one of my truest friends…� His thumb unconsciously caressed the back of her hand. “I want only for you to be happy. James…� he took another staggering breath, praying that she didn’t hear his internal pain regardless of how hard he tried to hide it with a benevolent attitude. “James can give you that…� he said before stopping completely, now unable to say any more. If he wanted to, he would have found the act impossible for his throat had become too constricted to make much of any sound. How much he wanted to admit that he loved her, right then and there. He would have gladly brushed all her worries away, forsaken his friendship with James, and planned to make Lily happy for the rest of eternity. Yet he valued his friendship with everyone too much and so, before he completely lost his mind, he drew his hand away and produced a faux smile. What he said was true; James would make her happy, for Remus knew in his heart that she did not deserve a lowly werewolf like him but a magnificent and powerful stag.

They remained that way for quite a while, neither one moving much or talking, just staring. He could see her take in even breaths as her eyes revealed a thousand thoughts flying through her mind.

“I didn’t expect this tonight, you know.�

“I apologize. I did not mean to overwhelm you. It’s just time that you knew the truth, though James would probably kill me for saying all that I did.�

“Yes, he probably will.� She stared at him for a few moments longer before she smiled gently and stood. “But… you’re right. You’re always right. You always know just what to say.�

Remus merely regarded her confusedly as she gazed almost lovingly at him.

“You always know… and yet… and yet this time you merely complicated things.�

“How did I —� but before he could finish his question, she leaned forward and softly kissed him, touching their lips together in one blissful action that sent electricity coursing throughout Remus’s entire body.

“You were right,� she said again, just inches from his mouth, their breaths mingling. “I do have someone who’s always been there. I’ve always known it.� With that, she stepped back and smiled widely at him, not expecting him to move at all, which he didn’t. He was frozen in his seat, his stomach suddenly dropping at the realization of what just happened. Of course, if he did make the futile attempt to get up, his legs would probably give way beneath him and send him tumbling to the floor anyway.

She merely continued to smile at him. “I’m just sorry it took me this long to realize it.�

And it was over. One minute she was there, the next Remus blinked and she was at the bottom of the stairs, taking the first steps to travel up towards the rooms. Still, he couldn’t move. Her actions had caught him off guard so swiftly and efficiently that she left him feeling numb and frozen. In a daze, long after he knew she had reached her door, Remus got to his feet and traveled up those same stairs, leaning onto the wall for support with his entire body shuddering continually as if the very ground beneath him was shaking. His head swam from the incidents of that night, blank while snippets of conversations exploded from his memory. When he got to the top, he smiled a little side-quirk that escaped his better judgment and soon grew into an idiotic grin. Momentarily, he forgot everything that worried him and all that he had done against his promise. Only a simple, heavenly thought existed within him: Lily Evans had just kissed him.

Suddenly his world was reeling. Lily Evans had kissed him! Him and not James! He had just kissed the girl James, the closest thing he had to a brother, had begged for help with and that rightfully belonged to him!

The walls, doors and rooms flew past Remus in a blur, melding together in both time and body so that when he finally reached a destination that was not his common room, it seemed as if a portkey had taken him and dropped him harshly to the ground. No, dropped him, picked him up again, and then slammed him down harder than before. Soon a new thought slowly crept through. Never before had he realized how amazingly soothing the coolness of the toilet frame felt as he vomited into it.

Secret Keeper
Chapter 3

Memories are fickle things. They come and go as they please, popping up randomly or not at all and usually followed in quick succession by others of the kind. More often than not, many emotions follow hand-in-hand. With this in mind, Remus concluded that he loathed memories.

He had been lying in bed all night with a bucket by his four-poster just in case his stomach decided to take an awful turn for the worse again. No matter how much his entire being screamed for rest, no matter how often his brain wanted to shut down and quite a few times come close to it, he simply could not fall asleep. Something vile kept him awake, taunting him from afar and never coming within range of recognition, though he already had a sneaking suspicion of what it was. Yet, before he knew it, the sky took on a light blue hue and stung his eyes even through his closed curtains. With it came the clamor of many annoying of birds, all of which chose to resonate the same old song through the room, perched right outside his window. He had not slept in twenty-four hours.

Eventually, the routine sounds of early morning rituals traveled to his ears as his fellow housemates roused from their sleep and went about their day. It was not long before his curtains were brushed aside, but not by his own hands, by someone else’s.

“Alright there, Remus?� James asked. He went to take another step forward, maybe to sit on the bed, but his foot knocked against something hollow. Instantly regarding the little thing, he bent down and picked up the bucket, examining it for a few moments before placing it on the night table. Then he returned his gaze to Remus, not hiding the evident fact that he was concerned.

“Don’t worry about me,� Remus smiled wearily, waving James off with his hand and slowly pulling to a sitting position. “Something just didn’t agree with me last night. I’ll be fine. I think all the fumes from the ink got to me.�

“You haven’t slept,� he said pointedly. “Your eyes are red and they’re half open. I heard you come to bed late last night, but I never heard you nod off.�

“You were listening?�

“How could I not? What kept you?�

“Just . . . er . . . finishing my homework,� he said quickly as he swung his legs over his bed and stood. He tottered a bit, but it happened in such a short amount of time that he doubted James noticed.

“Remus, it’s Saturday. Our homework isn’t due until Monday. Why worry about it?�

“I just felt like getting it done,� Remus snapped. James was taken aback by his actions and took a few steps away from the bed. Sighing, Remus reached up and touched two fingers to the bridge of his nose.

“James, I’m… I’m sorry. I didn’t mean… I guess I’m just tired.�

Shifting his weight, Remus could hear James run a hand through his hair.

“Don’t worry about it, eh, Moony?� he said quietly. “You’re only human. You’re certainly entitled to an outburst every now and then.�

Letting out a small puff of air, Remus lowered his hand and flashed a smile. “You forget . . . I’m not classified as human.�

James grinned at the remark and finally took his seat on the bed. “So, oh studious one, did you complete your work?�

“No,� he grimaced.

“No?�

“No. I got too tired.�

“But . . . you didn’t —�

“I know.�

They regarded each other.

“You sure you’re alright?�

“I’m fine.�

“Really?�

“Really.�

James didn’t seem convinced, but he nodded just the same and stood, stretching. With a smile lighting his face, he opened his mouth to speak only to be silenced by a sudden burst of laughter drifting from the common room. Both boys turned their attention toward the door, their ears perked attentively. Lily’s voice mingled with the laughter; it was pathetic how they both knew instantly without checking.

“You go on down,� said Remus, knowing exactly what James must have been thinking.

“You sure you’re okay?� he asked, unsure of whether he should leave.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Go on.�

James nodded a wary, uncertain gesture that reflected in his eyes. Just the same, he consented, and soon his presence no longer occupied the room.

Remus fell backwards onto his bed, his legs dangling off the side. What he wouldn’t give for someone to hand him a device to travel back in time and alter things. He hated having to lie to James, the first person ever to accept him as a friend. In order to maintain that friendship, however, it had to be done. Now all he needed to worry about was breaking Lily’s heart, as well as his own.

He could feel the minutes tick past as he lay there, staring up at the ceiling. As each one went, his eyes grew heavy and his vision blurred. Soon, he found himself finally drifting off into blessed sleep. His final thought, before he completely lost consciousness, was of Lily, James, and a silent prayer that his slumber would be mercifully dreamless. As it turned out, he experienced no dreams. In fact, he wasn’t even sure how long he had been laying there before a hand started to shake him gently awake. When he cracked an eye open, he saw James’s bewildered face looming above his head.

“What is it?� he croaked out, once again pulling himself upright.

James merely looked at him, his brow furrowing a bit. “She wants… to talk to you,� he said finally, almost as if the words were foreign to him.

Remus blinked, his body instantly tensing, and he turned to face his friend. “She… what?�

“She wants to see you,� he answered, plopping down on Remus’s bed once more, his face acquiring an even more puzzled expression. He looked like a little sheltered boy who had just received his first peck on the cheek from a girl and didn’t know what to make of it. “Funny thing,� he continued. “She actually tolerated me. She… smiled at me, said her morning greetings, humored me in some small talk, and then asked where you were.�

“She wants to see me?� Remus asked again, silently gulping afterwards. Even when he knew why, he still couldn’t quite believe it.

“Yeah,� said James, bringing his gaze up. “What did you do to suddenly make her want to talk to you?�

“Er… well…� Why was it that every time he was around James, or Lily was brought up somehow, he suddenly found that he was at a loss for words? “She and I have always been good friends. I’m sure she only needs a bit of help with homework. That’s all it is.� He cringed internally at his obvious lie, but James seemed to buy it.

“Right… right…� he said, staring off into space and not really realizing that Remus was talking to him.

Watching him closely for a few moments, Remus stood and stole away from the room as silently as he could. Whatever Lily wanted, it would have to be quick and easy because he needed to get back to James. Wondering what she could possibly want with him, Remus descended the winding staircase, his mind reeling with the possibilities, most of which he hoped was untrue.

When he looked up to check his surroundings, he found that Lily had come to meet him halfway, a broad smile on her face and her arms outstretched lovingly.

“Morning, Remus,� she nearly sang as she closed the distance between them, wrapped her arms around his neck, and gave him the sweetest kiss he had ever received. Instantly, he melted from the touch, feeling as if he were floating in her embrace. He could have stayed there forever had not his conscience kicked in and hurtled him down to earth with a force that would break even the Grounds Keeper’s bones.

Summoning all the strength and willpower he possessed, he took her arms from around him and pulled away. “Lily —�

“What? What is it?� she asked innocently, all the while staring up at him with her infamous bright green eyes.

“You know very well what it is,� he answered after a strained sigh. Matching her gaze with his tired, serious one, he realized that he had unknown reserves of strength, for he thought he had used it all when he pulled away but now found that he was relying on it to keep himself from giving in and kissing her again. How he longed to kiss her again.

“Oh,� her face fell for a few moments before she grinned and attempted to replace her arms around his neck again. “James. He’s a big boy. He can face rejection and get over it.�

“Lily, please,� pleaded Remus as he caught her hands once more and held them in between their bodies. “We… this mustn’t happen.�

Regarding him critically, she smiled gently and met his gaze again. “Don’t try to make this into one of those melodramatic scenes where I admit my feelings and you push me away because you think I deserve better. I will not fall for your self-loathing and you know that.�

That swiftly caught him off guard; it certainly was not what he expected to hear. The sound of her voice took on shape, almost as if she just patronized a small child for making a mistake who, in turn, was too innocent to realize what had happened. Her words reverberated through is mind with the force of a hailstorm, and he could only stare at her, completely thunderstruck. He went to open his mouth, to say something in response, but all that came out… was nothing. Not even air escaped.

“You see,� she grinned. “I know you.�

That brought his senses back. “If you know me,� he said, “then you know why I am not…. Why I am not…� He couldn’t get the words out. His heart was beating so fiercely that it had lodged itself in his throat, preventing him from saying what he knew to be the only thing to ensure James’s happiness, as well as Lily’s, even if it left him in agony. Only five simple words rested on the tip of his tongue, five words that caused him misery. And yet…

“You cannot love me, Lily,� he said.

“Excuse me?�

“You cannot love me, Lily,� he shook his head, releasing her hands from his grip and taking a step backwards on the stairs. He knew what he had to do. For everyone’s sake, he would sacrifice his own happiness at the possible price of his sanity. He breathed in a very deep gulp of air, held it, and slowly let it out, swallowing his heart and sending it to the bottommost part of his damned soul. He knew what he had to do.

“You mean so much to me, Lily,� he began, squeezing his eyes shut for fear of the last of his will shattering from the emotion behind hers. “I know I can’t convince you otherwise, and the last thing I want to do is hurt you. But…� He cracked and looked into her, seeing only a steady gaze returned. If greater things were not on the line, he would have broken down right then. For the sake of James, however, the closest thing to a brother he had, he continued.

"Last night," he gulped, cursing his wavering voice as he tried to steady it. "Last night... was something out of a dream. But dreams, such as those, are not made to exist in the waking world, in real life. Dreams… are fantastic creations made to perform the task of easing the burden caused by everyday life. Last night was a dream, and you, Lily, were the angel in it. And angels, I'm afraid, though equally mystical, are not meant to seek a consort in a demon." He paused then, fully aware that no matter how hard he tried, he could not cease his visible trembling. Lily, conversely, stood as still as stone.

"I think…" he said after a time encompassed by deafening silence. "I believe... that an angel will find more liking in a woodland creature, one full of magnificence, strength, and near matching beauty, than a demon shunned from the world."

“Remus…�

“Lily, I…�

If only he could say it, right when she found herself at a loss for words. If only…

“I love you.�

She blinked at him, suddenly extremely confused by his actions. “But…�

“I love you… I-I love you…� he took yet another deep breath. “As a brother does his sister.�

They locked eyes then and held them.

“But?�

“But… I…� His bloody heart had returned to his throat, ready to burst should he take any steps toward admitting a lie.

“Remus.�

He looked down just once, slowly, to gather his bearings and destroy his heart. When he raised his head, he seemed fueled with a strength that urged him forward. Even if it was against his own will, it was something he was meant to do. He would do anything for James… even lie to the only one he had ever loved, who had possibly truly loved him in return.

“You cannot love me, Lily,� he said again, his throat so tight that he was surprised the words came out smoothly.

She stood there, gazing at him with her incredible eyes, soaking in everything that occurred. Many long minutes passed that way. It got to the point where Remus was inches away from throwing everything out the window, apologizing profusely while admitting never-ending love to her, promising to run away as soon as they graduated and never look back or worry about what they left behind.

He was inches away, his heart pounding madly. Merely inches away, especially from her, and it was driving him insane.

“I see,� she stated, her words displaying no emotion. Just two words of comprehension.

He blinked at her, fighting back the sudden tears spurred from her indifference. He went to speak, to say anything that happened to tumble forth, only to be hushed by her sharp words.

“You tell James,� she said. “That the next time he makes me fall for one of his friends – just so he could become closer to me – I will seize his own wand, use a severing charm without any numbing solutions, and take anything I happen to detach and ram it down his throat.�

At that, she briskly turned on her heel and stormed the rest of the way down the stairs, leaving Remus empty and unsure of what had happened, his complexion paler than his worst aftermaths subsequent to the full moon. One thought registered in his mind as all the life seemed to drain from him, and he groaned it internally.

Bollocks.

The only thing left to do, as he did not intend to venture to the common room and seek certain death, was to return to his dorm room. Return to James, figure out how to explain that Lily will no longer tolerate either of them, that his pride had been threatened, and then find some way to make everything better.

The things he would do for comradeship.

Right as he reached a few steps away from the designated landing, his mind still racing for something to say and anything to do, not to mention he looked exactly how he felt, something caught his attention. A pair of shoes rested right where he was to go. Glancing upward, he blanched more than he ever thought possible and just about died right then.

There stood James, with an incomprehensible expression on his face, but his eyes never more alive.

“What… did you do?�

Secret Keeper
Chapter 4


“James.�

“What did you do?� he asked again, his voice much more urgent.

For the first time in his life, Remus felt the floor give way beneath him without the aid of some sort of magic. He didn’t know what to say or, more importantly, how to say it. With James standing the way he was, expecting a near immediate answer, Remus was suddenly reminded of the tingling sensation left upon his lips from what became Lily’s goodbye kiss, as well as everything else he had done that day. He certainly couldn’t tell James all that took place, and yet he couldn’t keep things secret either.

“I… W-well… James, you see…�

“What? What is it? What’d she want? Did she say anything about me?�

Remus blinked. That wasn’t the statement he had anticipated. ‘How could you do that to me? I trusted you, Moony! And here you are snogging the girl I fell in love with!’ would be more reasonable in a time like this. Quickly attempting to sort through his options, he became fully aware that his entire body was trembling. “In a sense…� he gulped, his mouth and throat long since gone completely dry.

“Well, don’t just stand there!� James beamed, grabbing hold of Remus’s arm and yanking him the rest of the way into the dorm, shutting the door behind them. The expression on his face had gone from simple curiosity to something ten times more powerful, nearly to the point where he was bouncing with anticipation.

“What did she say about me? What did she want you for? Did she want you so she could talk about me? Is that it?�

Without skipping a beat, and solely acting on impulse, Remus stepped forward and grabbed hold of James by the shoulders, slowly pushing him towards his bed.

“Now James,� he said. “It’s not what you think. You’d better sit down for this.�

Instantly, James’s smile fell at the solemn look he received and did as he was told. A silent question displayed in his eyes, almost asking for a lie rather than the truth and begging not to be shattered by disappointment. “Remus?�

At his name, all stored energy finally disintegrated and he crumpled to the floor. He could sense impending doom looming over him, threatening to crush him should he make one wrong move. No wonder he felt ill. Assuming a cross-legged position, he instantly cradled his head in his hands.

“There’s no easy way to say this…� Remus whispered, his voice barely audible over the commotion traveling from the common room. “But there’s something you should know.�

Without glancing at his expectant friend, Remus lowered his hands and stared at the floor, noticing and absorbing the minute detail in the grating of the wood, the different hues, swirls, and patterns. It was as if his senses had suddenly gone into overdrive. His fingertips could make out the pressure and humidity within the room, he could sense the equally different and subtle scents of musk floating around in the air, and his ears felt the pounding silence. For no sound emitted from the room itself, all others were either echoes of lower levels or the uneven breathing from both boys. Silence was his only cue to continue, in the only way he dared.

“Lily did mention you,� he said quietly, his voice sounding much more ragged than usual. Light burst from James’s eyes. “However…� The light faded a notch. “It’s… it’s not what you think.�

“Well, what did she say? What did she want?� James asked again as he shifted his position to lay flat on his stomach, resting his chin upon folded arms. Once again, he stared at Remus with child-like curiosity. There were times, Remus found himself thinking, where James could astound you with innocence in even the most serious of circumstances.

It was also then that Remus realized how exhausted he was, and feeling a constant drilling gaze only made this realization more prominent. He knew sleep deprivation had something to do with it, but after everything that happened over the span of an hour, it was becoming too much. He couldn’t continue with this charade for much longer, just as he could not lie to James. If Lily was a challenge and a test of self-control, then James was her match, and he knew he could not endure another moment lying to either. He was too emotionally drained to repeat his actions, so, he did the only thing he felt comfortable with.

“James… I am so sorry.�

He blinked, confused. “Sorry about what?�

“Lily does not think too highly of you right now…�

“Hang on, what’d I do?�

“If it’s any consolation, she feels the same way towards me.�

“Remus, you’re speaking in riddles.�

Taking a very deep breath, Remus caught James’s eyes and held them. “She believes that my relationship with her is based purely on the attempt to bring you closer to her.�

James suddenly went very rigid. “Relationship?�

“I think you’re missing something much more vital than that.�

“What relationship?�

Deciding not to answer, Remus immediately regretted the particular course of action. He could feel James’s shrewd gaze upon him and held back the overwhelming urge to cringe.

“Oh, you mean your friendship with her?� James finally laughed, flipping over on his back, his head lopping over the edge of the bed and a great grin stretching across his face. “You scared me for a moment there, Moony. I thought you had actually been dating her behind my back! Then I realized you wouldn’t do something like that.�

“Right… I’d never…� Remus’s voiced failed him before he could finish and he lowered his gaze, a deep flush forming on his cheeks.

“See,� said James. “The mere thought causes you to blush. So I have nothing to worry about. Now,� he turned his body over again. “What’s all this about her sudden change and why you’re sorry? What happened?�

“James!� A voice suddenly boomed throughout the room as Sirius bounded in, instantly obliterating any answers Remus was prepared to admit. “You’re not going to believe this!�

Groaning beneath his breath, as well as silently cursing the black-haired menace, Remus shrank back from where he sat, sure that whatever calm and thought-out explanation he had planned on, or started to plan, was now tossed completely out the window.

Only giving James enough time to turn and acknowledge his presence, Sirius hopped down beside him and continued. “Lily is livid!� he exclaimed. “She’s seething!�

Remus suddenly felt very, very ill and rose to his bed, keeping his small bucket well within arm’s reach.

“She’s what? That’s not like her.�

“Yeah? And it’s not like Moony to go date a girl simply so you can be closer to her, now is it?�

Remus dropped to the floor, bucket in hand, and kneeled over his bed. He rested his head on the blankets, praying that Sirius would shut up so his pounding headache would not worsen, as it was already beginning to set in and slowly chip away at his remaining sanity. James’s silence was far worse than the churning in his stomach, which now felt like a dozen Bowtruckles were slowly but desperately clawing their way out. Again, he made the choice to stay quiet.

“It seems,� Sirius continued, motioning a hand toward Remus, “that Moony, here, has been spending quite a bit of time with the fair Evans.� With that said, he stretched across the four-poster and rested his head upon his hands. Then, taking in his current position and surroundings, he smirked at the fact that his lower body covered James’s legs, as the two were at an angle.

“Is this true, Moony?� asked James as he sat upright and leaned back on his arms for support.

Remus noted that James had suddenly switched from using his real name to his nickname, but then ignored it. Instead, he stared vehemently at Sirius out the corner of his eyes, now very much annoyed and at his wits’ end. “This isn’t like you,� he said calmly, “putting a friend on the spot aside from Wormtail.�

Sirius blinked.

“How would you like it if I stood here and accused you of fornicating with a girl your best friend loves?�

“I would never do that,� he retorted, bolting upright.

“This isn’t like you,� James added, his suspicions rising and all innocence falling away to reveal the intelligent young man he was normally. “You only get this way during a full moon, and that was two and a half weeks ago.�

“Well, I’m sorry if I can only take so much!� Remus snapped with stars and shadows dancing before his eyes, his stomach now in strips and his mind swimming as a wave of dizziness passed briefly. He brushed all ill feelings aside and focused solely on the conversation and emotions at hand. There were more important things than his wellbeing. “The very notion of me courting Lily while keeping James ignorant is absolutely absurd! I would never betray my friends that way!�

“Then why are people saying it?� asked Sirius.

“Because she and I are friends! We’ve always been friends! She thinks that my relationship with her is simply because I was trying to get her and James together, and that the only reason our friendship has grown more trusting lately is due to my spying on her for him. She hates me now! I would never begin a romantic relationship with her because I knew it would break your heart, James! The very fact that there are rumors around school means nothing, there are always bloody rumors!�

James and Sirius sat dumbstruck at Remus’s words. He did not blame them, for very rarely was it that he lost his temper. As the seconds ticked by, Remus was extremely thankful that he had remained kneeling by the bed. If he had chosen to stand, as his impulses had screamed at him to do so when he provided the outburst, he would have surely over-exerted his body and crumpled to the floor. His grand speech had already worn him out to such an extent that he sat panting, sweat dripping slowly from his brow. Still, his friends stared.

Then, and quite suddenly, James got to his feet and walked toward Remus, a very serious expression on his face. Fearing the worst, Remus tensed his body and tried to remain as firm as he had presented himself to be. However, James walked past him, poured a glass of water from the pitcher that rested on the nightstand, and then turned and handed it to Remus.

“Thank you,� James smiled. “For reminding me that you are still human.�



It was a while before Remus came to his senses again. Somehow, he had gone from kneeling on the floor to awaking in his bed, his covers drawn around him, and the sun shining at the opposite angle from which it started. The only explanation he could think of, through the haze in his mind, was that he had passed out soon after the argument and his friends, being as kind-hearted as they were, picked him up and laid him in the comfort of his own bed. He couldn’t help but notice that his pillow was fluffed, and when he turned his head he saw a fresh pitcher of ice water sweating on the stand. A smile crept to his face, weary as he was, and he took one hand and trailed a finger down the side of the glass, leaving it wet with residue and a bare streak outlining the container. Blood is thicker than water, he mused to himself, and they were his brothers in all but blood.

Shaking the absurd thought from his mind, however much it made him ponder it even more, Remus dragged himself to his feet and stood wavering by his bed. James was right; the full moon had been earlier in the month. However, the lycanthropy in Remus’s blood prevented him from attaining any other illnesses, no matter how much it made him appear worse for the wear. He could not for the life of him figure out why he felt the way he did. Perhaps it was nerves, the current and past situations, or the fact that he remained teetering on the fine line between truth and lies when it came to those he cared for most. Still, something nagged at him, gnawing, baying for attention. Something he could not ignore but too far away for him to grasp. That something was not right.

Once again pushing his thoughts from his mind, he slowly made his way out the door. Clinging to the cobblestone wall for support, he took each step one at a time just as a toddler would, all the while thinking that the winding of the staircase did nothing to aid those who could easily feel nauseated. Right before he reached the bottom and came into view of those sitting in the common room, he straightened his posture and kept one hand pressed lightly against the wall for support, making sure not to appear as if he terribly needed it. A few more steps and his feet touched carpet.

The room was nearly deserted. The few stragglers left within were clumped in various groups, some near the fire, others positioned around the multitude of chairs and tables. A few vacated the premises as he observed his surroundings, and then a few more entered, eventually lightly brushing past him with a mere hushed apology and request for excuse. Everything seemed to be moving in slow motion around him, as if the air was full of some invisible muck that tainted everything passing within it, all the while making things small and far away. He blinked, shaking his head slightly to clear his vision, before making his way toward the group near the warmth of the small fire. As he took his seat, an empty recliner specifically set aside for him, he looked up to see the faces of his friends smiling gently at him.

“We thought you were going to sleep the entire day away,� said James, the light in his eyes far outshining the one from the hearth.

“Wouldn’t have been surprised,� Sirius chimed in, yet again reclining as he said the words. “We all know how nocturnal he is.�

“Let’s not talk about that…� Remus blushed slightly and looked over to Peter, who was sitting opposite of James and Sirius on the couch. He sat very straight, stretching his back to a point where Remus could have sworn he was trying too hard to be noticed and accounted for, as if he were desperately striving not to be forgotten in an otherwise stressful time. “So what have you three been up to?�

“Trying to figure out how to get Evans to date Prongs,� Peter announced instantly, barely giving Remus enough time to finish his question. “She’s still extremely stubborn, and what with the rumors —� a pillow smashed into his face, silencing him instantly.

Sirius rolled his eyes and retracted his arm, reaching for another a replacement pillow to lean against. “We’re not going through that again. After all,� his gaze turned almost softly toward Remus. “They’re only rumors.�

Remus said nothing and instead took it upon himself to turn to James for an answer. James, as it was, sat directly across from him in another armchair, his back pressed leisurely against the cushions behind him, although straight enough to make it appear as if he were a king taking a break from his royal duties and yet always on guard for something new to appear, threatening to overthrow him. His eyes, the sparkle still very much alive within them, swirled and danced showing the chaotic mix of a young boy’s playfulness with that of young man’s determination and intelligence. To James, the entire day was a source of amusement and entertainment, and Remus knew that no matter what occurred, James would still get what he wanted.

“So what have you come up with?�

James shrugged. “Ideas that’ll never work, seeing as they’re all coming from Sirius.�

“Hey! I resent that!�

“That’s why I said it!� James laughed, and soon Sirius was joining in heartily while a high-pitched noise came from the other end of the couch where Peter sat, over-exerting his own laughter. Remus merely watched his friends and chuckled, a smile spreading across his face and sticking.

When things finally calmed down enough for cohesive conversation, Sirius sighed and once again stretched out his body, reclining in such a way that his entire body took up the length of the sofa, his legs dangling off the front leaving just enough room for Peter to sit. He did not notice the appreciative and envious eyes from the smaller boy.

“Well, Prongs,� he said at length. “You could always stand beneath her window at night, wake her up, and proclaim your undying love to her that way.�

“That could work!�

“Oh, no, James, you’re not serious,� Remus cringed as he watched his friend leap to his feat.

“Really! That’s brilliant!�

“It’s been done! It’s… it’s clichéd! It’s old!�

“Yeah, mate, you can think of better things than that! If we can create the Marauder’s Map, we can certainly think of something more original,� Sirius added, his smile fading a bit.

“I’ve thought of everything and I’ve tried everything, nothing’s worked so far. What have I got to lose? It’s cliché, so what? It may actually work.�

“Certainly,� Remus commented dryly. “It’s so pathetic that you might actually catch her attention.�

“Exactly!�

“No, James, I really didn’t mean —�

“I could stand beneath her window,� James said as he paced before his friends and wrung his hands, ignoring any word of rationality they attempted to throw at him. “And call up to her. Wake her up somehow —�

“Along with every other girl there,� said Sirius. “You’d make a great fool of yourself.�

“And then I could say everything I’ve wanted to. Let it all out. She can’t refuse honesty, can she?�

“Honesty? Or desperation?� asked Peter.

“I mean, girls like romantic acts, right?�

“Lily’s not like most girls,� whispered Remus, his voice was so soft it was almost as if he was in a sort of reverie at the very thought of her.

Peter’s attention snapped toward him and a look of surprise crossed his face. He blinked a bit before slowly returning his gaze on James, a little tenser than before. Remus prayed he hadn’t figured anything out, such as the possibility that the rumors may not be what they are normally.

“And what happens if it doesn’t work?�

“That’s why you’re going to be with me!� James explained as he spun on his heel and pointed a finger straight at Sirius.

“Me?! Just me?!�

“No, all of you!�

“She’s not stupid, James,� said Peter. “She’d know.�

“Not if I have my cloak,� he grinned. “Or if it’s really dark. You’ll be fine.�

“I don’t know,� said Remus as he leaned backwards in his chair a bit. “It’s risky. Besides, how do we know it’ll truly work. With what you’ve told us before,� he motioned toward Sirius, “and with what I know, she hates us both. You honestly think she’ll be up for something like this?�

“Yeah… about that…� James grinned, and now his eyes took on a knowing and triumphant gleam. “I had a bit of a talk with her. Everything’s fine now. She should be apologizing to you soon for whatever it was she said and did to you.�

Remus sat still as statue in his chair. She had forgiven that easily? This was Lily they were talking about, the kind-hearted, gentle girl who always had a smile ready for Remus, but the idea of her becoming infuriated with him and then cooling off not even a day later… all of it was lost on him.

“How did you… when did you…�

“After this morning’s episode,� Sirius grinned. “Immediately afterward.�

“We saw how you were effected,� said James, unexplainably calm again and regaining his maturity. “Doing that to me is one thing, but I would not stand for a friend of mine to experience it. I confronted her —�

“First time I’ve ever seen him yell at her,� added Sirius.

“— And told her just that. Everything that happened and everything I felt on the matter.�

“You’d think she had just turned into ectoplasm, with how quickly she softened,� said Peter.

“Wormtail,� said Sirius as he tossed another pillow toward the boy’s head. “You have a knack for turning things nasty.�

“So… s-she just… she apologized… right then? A-and that’s all it took?� stammered Remus, ignoring his two other friends and still not quite grasping everything else around him.

“Apparently.�

He stared at James’s triumphant look, lost within the power it held and suddenly feeling very vulnerable and small. Then, as if awaking from a dream, he jumped to his feet and stared at James straight in the eye. “You mean to tell me that after all that, after things have finally started to calm down, you are going to pull yet another stunt that may inevitably cause her to dislike you even more? Are you insane?!�

“I don’t see the harm in it,� shrugged James in response. “With all of you there, you can watch to ensure that I don’t make any mistakes.�

“James!� he shouted. “Listen to yourself! Peter’s right, this is desperation! You make a little ground with her and immediately you ask for her whole world!�

“I’m not asking for her whole world; I’m just asking to be a part of it.�

“But you already hold a part of it,� Remus sighed in frustration. “We all have a part in it, and you most of all because of every stupid thing you’ve ever done. Why can’t you be content that she’s willing to talk to you now?�

“Because I can’t be content until I’m by her side,� he answered simply and with all the honesty in the world backing him up. “Do you even know what it is to want to be with someone and have them always one pedestal above you, just out of reach and have that knowledge hurt you every moment you’re awake and haunt you every second of your dreams? Remus, do you even know what it is to love someone?�

Remus was taken aback by his answer, not prepared for something as blatantly truthful as that. There was no denying that what James said was the utter truth, so much so that it silenced Sirius and Peter who had, up until that moment, still been feuding on the couch. The only thing he could do to take a step back and fall into his chair, struck down. If Remus had tried to say something in return, even comment on how mature James had suddenly become, nothing would have come out for all words and all strength for words had been blown out of him.

It was then that it dawned on him just how much he had lost and how much he was about to lose. And through it all, he realized that something remained amiss and would require his immediate attention very soon. He could feel it in his heart.

Secret Keeper
Chapter 5


Three nights following the decision to formally and ridiculously court Lily Evans, Remus found himself standing on a dew-encrusted lawn with nothing but swirling dark clouds enveloping the world above him and the world within. Around him, his fellow partners-in-crime readied themselves for the upcoming event. Sirius lounged luxuriously against the castle wall, a sly smile playing on his lips. Kneeling close by was Peter, his eyes occasionally searching the surroundings as if some sort of monstrosity were to jump forth and ruin the entire game. James was nowhere to be found, and the designated time was drawing near.

Remus was pacing despite himself. His role to play in this was vital, despite all his protests, and he knew that everything relied on his quick thinking and levelheadedness. Pacing seemed to be the only thing that would relieve the tension straining from within him. He had realized, from the time of the meeting to right at that moment, the entire situation not only depended on a cool nature, but it also demanded that he release the one thing that he had strived to keep secret: his love. The only way for James to win the girl of his dreams was for Remus to admit his feelings verbally, and have all the words escape from James’s mouth as if they were his own. The task seemed nearly impossible to Remus, who found that he could not bear to admit anything; even if it was to seem as if he felt nothing at all and was simply plucking the words from thin air. In a sense he was, but his heart screamed otherwise. Not only did his heart scream, but it also felt like it had somehow broken a rib bone from Remus’s body and used its own rhythm to create a jackhammer effect. This effect was currently in the process of shattering his entire frame, from the chest down. That meant quite a few things for the entire situation, and Remus knew all of them ended with him walking away wrecked and broken. However, as he had been reminding himself since the first day, he would gladly risk all forms of pain for the happiness of his friends. This night would prove it, whether he lived through it or not.

Soon the wee hours of the morning drew closer and still James was no where to be seen.

“Perhaps he got cold feet?� suggested Peter.

“James doesn’t get cold feet,� Sirius instantly defended as he slid down the wall to lay along it, his body in a complete reclining position complete with hands folded behind his head. “This is important to him. He’ll be here.�

Ironically it was what Remus would have said, and because of this he stared at Sirius with a mixed look of amusement and awe. It seemed the renegade was finally growing up.

True to his word and expectations, James skidded around the corner. His speed sent him sliding across the wet ground as he did so and he almost fell had it not been for his Quidditch reflexes and balance. He grasped two pieces of parchment and two silver quills in his right hand. When he reached Remus out of breath, he shoved the four objects into his hands and sunk to the ground, gasping for air.

“You would not believe – (gasp) – the trouble – (gasp) – I had to go through – (gasp) – to get those bloody things.�

Remus examined them as Sirius rose from his position. He came close and stood beside James, conjuring him a tall glass of water as he did so. James took it gratefully, and Remus’s eyes widened.

“How, in Merlin’s name, did you come across this?�

“We made the Marauders’ Map,� James answered once he had guzzled the water and wiped his chin with the back of his sleeve. “We have bewitched mirrors. That would have been a piece of cake had it not been for Snivellus interfering.�

“What did the git do this time?� Sirius inquired, his expression anxious for James to answer and give him a reason to cause more havoc to the Slytherin. His excuse of boredom was getting old.

“He poured erasable ink on both pieces of parchment once I was sure I had gotten them working. Snuck up behind me in the library, the snake. I had to recreate everything.�

“Still, it’s not like you to put things off for last minute,� Remus commented. “So what really took you so long?�

James stared at Remus for a few moments, gauging the situation, before finally lowering his head. “I was trying to think of something to say to her that I haven’t already.�

“Any success?� asked Peter.

“Nothing worthy of her,� he shook his head.

“With statements like that, it’s hard to believe you need my help.�

James gazed at Remus pleadingly. “You’re not backing out on me, are you?�

“No,� was all he said, though she secretly wished he really could leave and forget the entire situation.

“Good!� Sirius clapped his hands together and hauled James to his feet. “Then let’s get this bloody over with so we all can go to bed and laugh about it in the morning.�

“Thanks so much for the vote of confidence!� James smiled before turning to Remus. “You know how those work?�
Remus sighed. “You have one, I have the other. I write what you’re to say on mine, it’ll appear on yours, and you’ll read everything out loud. It’s not the Department of Mysteries, James.�

“Just checking, just checking,� James held up his hands in mock defeat. “Saves the trouble of explaining.�

“You needn’t worry, I know what I’m doing,� said Remus as he handed over one of the quills and parchment. “Just be sure you read the right words.�

Sirius cocked an eyebrow. “You sure you’re okay, Moony? You’re acting —�

“I’m fine.�

His screaming internal voice would have told otherwise, but none could hear it, so the subject was dropped. Silently, the four took their respected positions. Sirius and Peter leaned against the tower wall, watching both James and Remus intently as James picked a spot to ensure his visibility yet still leave things to the imagination, while Remus backed off into the shadows somewhere close to the first two. He needed to see everything, and from that vantage he could, especially James and the window where Lily was to be.

For a moment, a tiny second as time stopped, Remus found half of himself wondering whether it would be a bad thing if all did not go well that night. In that brief time, he imagined a life where things did go wrong, and where things went right between him and Lily. He envisioned Lily’s warm smile greeting him each day, her face as she soothingly brushed aside his bangs on the days when he had to lie on a hospital wing mattress, her eyes as they were filled with concern and assurance, and with love in the very back of them. He thought of a life outside Hogwarts, a small home deep within a forest, far from anywhere else yet close enough to town for Lily to live her own life. And lastly an auburn-haired boy ran across his vision, laughing joyously and without a care.

In that moment, in that treacherous moment, he contemplated sabotaging everything.

But it passed, and another thought came to him. Another vision. He saw the young boy, a wide and bright smile displayed across his face, suddenly become scared and panicked. And he saw a wolf-like creature lunge at the boy. And then everything went red, then black, and the vision was no more.

The treacherous moment passed, replaced with one of complete certainty. He knew what he had to do.

As time started to right itself, Remus watched sullenly as James raised his wand and cast a bolt of light up toward the Gryffindor girls’ dormitory, toward a specific window, toward a specific someone. A few minutes passed of tense silence, and he cast another one. This time they got a response.
“You don’t give up, do you?� Lily’s voice called from above.

Remus saw James’s gaze lower to the parchment, in mock humility, and he knew it was time.

‘For you, never.’

James repeated the words.

“And still I have to wonder why,� said Lily. “This had better be good, Potter, if it couldn’t wait until tomorrow.� Apparently she was still in a foul mood.

“Some things can’t wait,� James read. “There’s something I must tell you, and if I hold it back… the consequences will be dire.�

“Dire?�

“Yes.�

“How so?�

“Which answer would you prefer? The sanity of a young man being jeopardized or the fact that I’ve prepared for this night?�

“Both will do, I guess.�

“Will you allow me to speak to you?�

“You haven’t given me much choice, now have you?�

There was a tiny amount of chuckling, mostly from James, and Remus glanced around him to see Sirius and Peter stifle their own laughter. Or rather, their own snickers. The situation must’ve looked ridiculous to them, but James wanted to be romantic, and so they all had to put up with it.

“Lily, I’ve realized that there are times when desperate times call for desperate measures, as the saying goes.� Remus found himself fighting for words. He could not seem to make them come as smoothly as they should have been, so the pauses between James’s reading were suspiciously long. Remus also had to fight to make his hand write what was in his heart when he knew that he was giving them away for another use. He was certain that he could never use these words for himself, he had given ownership of them away.

“Are these desperate times, James? In this sense?�

“Yes, they are…in this sense… Right now I don’t care about the rest of the world… only this one here and now. … I’m afraid… that if I don’t say something, I’ll lose you.�

“You will lose me? You see me everyday.�

James forced a chuckle, as his parchment told him to. “Seeing someone from a distance, even if they’re close by, and truly seeing someone are two completely different things. I see you every day, yes, but that’ll end once we leave. What then? I’m afraid I won’t see you after Hogwarts.�

“It’s a small country, James, you will probably see me. And knowing you, you’ll go out of your way.� Her head turned then and she grinned behind her. All of them realized then that she was not the only person awake and listening to their conversation.

“I would… more than likely… but before then I want you to know something,� read James.

Remus stopped then and searched for the appropriate words. Here was the hard part, the one that had to be treated with the utmost delicacy or else the entire thing would fail.

“Lily…� James paused for there was nothing else yet on the parchment. “How much do you think you mean to me?�

Lily laughed then, sighed audibly, and looked at James with a bemused expression on her face. “Don’t even start with that, I knew you were going to. Honestly, James, you’re beginning to bore me.�

There was another pause, this time a longer one. Remus panicked. He felt his blood freeze inside him and his entire body went rigid. Only now had it hit him how truly difficult this was, and how she could probably see through everything. As he stood there, wracking his brain for something, anything to say or write to make the situation better, James began to experience the same symptoms. The problem with his, Remus knew, was that his panic originated from his dependency on Remus and the possibility that everything was too overwhelming and that he had given up. Soon, the fear spread to the entire group as minutes of silence ticked by.

“What do I say?!� Remus whispered frantically to Sirius and Peter as James spun and silently asked the same question from yards away.

‘You know how I feel about her,’ the words formed on Remus’s parchment with James’s scrawl. ‘Help me out here. You’re better at putting words to things than I am.’

Remus stood as still as stone with Sirius and Peter both staring at him expectantly, quietly forcing him to write. He could feel their will pounding on him and was sure that if he completely let go, their thoughts alone would have been able to lift his arm and write for him. Regaining his sense of mind, and his sense of fear and uncertainty with it, he looked helplessly between a trusting James and the annoyed silhouette that represented Lily. Remus turned to his friends beside him, receiving only growing grins of support and a few thumbs held high in return.

Taking an enormous gulp and a shuddering breath, and feeling all the emotions he was trying to push away come bubbling to the surface, he looked up to the window once more before shakily beginning to write.

‘(Call her name.)’

“Lily?�

‘(After this statement, say what I write as I write it. No matter what it may say.)’

“Back then, are you?� she said. “I don’t know why you don’t just give up. Nothing you say will —�

Remus gulped. ‘I love you.’

“I love you, Lily.�

“I knew that already.�

“Remus!� Sirius hissed from beside him. “What’re you doing? That was the worst thing to say!�

“Get in there and say the right thing!� Peter added.

“Look, James, I —�

“I’ve always loved you,� James continued, ignoring the whispering from the sidelines and reading unquestioningly from the trembling parchment in his hands, glancing up from time to time as if he were giving a formal speech to an assembly of his peers and professors. As he read, his voice grew in strength, for Remus knew that what he wrote not only applied to him alone, but to them both, and therefore was more of a statement of fact rather than a shot in the dark.

“Ever since the day I first saw you,� James read, his tone altering to fit the words. “From the moment we met on the train to now, I have loved you. I always will.�

“If I recall correctly,� she answered just as strongly. “You used to call me names and pull my hair. I believe once you tried to light fire to it because you said the flame reminded you of its color and would therefore hardly be seen because they blended so perfectly.�

“… The obnoxious musings of a child in order to receive attention… I assure you.� James paused then, and Remus knew he had sent him a glare. Nevertheless, he continued to write, mechanically and as if his hand were moving of its own accord, everything he felt deep within his heart.

“I loved you even then… though I did not know the meaning of the word,� said James, his voice never betraying any irritation he may have felt.

She was silent for a few seconds while all those on the grass (and in the tower) held their breath, thinking that she had become bored and frustrated with their game and left.

“Your voice is different,� she said quietly and a brief second later, light shown down from her window and cast upon James. In what could only be Quidditch-born reflexes, he raised his arms and concealed his face from view, simultaneously hiding the parchment, turning as he did so and sending her conjured light bouncing off the Head boy badge on his chest as he moved. The reflected light vanished once his back was to her. Now all Lily saw of him was a dark figure.

“Why won’t you let me see you?� she asked slyly. “And why is your voice different? Perhaps you’re not who you say you are.�

Remus stood his ground, as did Sirius and Peter, fearful that any movement from them would alert her of their presence. His heart froze in mid-beat as his mind raced for an appropriate answer. James had altered his voice too greatly in order to fit the situation, something he should not have done.

“Believe me,� he wrote on the parchment, from which James deftly read. “I’m the only one who would admit my affection this way.�

“And your voice?�

“I’m… afraid . . .� James paused, allowing the words to scribble across the page. “I’m afraid that many sleepless nights at the thought of you have damaged my voice a bit, leaving it altered and at times unrecognizable…. Those nights have also left me with sensitivity to the light…. That is why I dare not look at you, for you far outshine the brightest star even in mid-day. And you are blinding in the night, putting her most brilliant stars to shame.�

“So you’re saying I’m better than Sirius?� she asked, a small indication of amusement in her voice.

“A thousand times over again.�

“He should be annoyed to hear that.�

“I am annoyed to hear that,� Remus heard Sirius growl. “James… you actually rea —�

Remus placed his hand over Sirius’s mouth for a moment, glaring at him as he did so.
“James,� Peter called out as loudly as he dared. “Keep it up. I think —� The light went out. “I think you’re getting to her.�

Remus took in a deep breath of air and returned his attention to the task at hand, burying his own emotions deep within him self and lighting them ablaze, desperately trying to be rid of them so his friend, his brother, could be happy. His gaze once again rested upon the designated window and as he stared, his hand flew across the paper again.

“Lily?� James called, obediently reading the order from the paper.

“I’m still here.�

“I…� he paused again, almost as if the words terrified him and should he dare utter them, lightning would fall from the sky and strike him dead. “I… I want you to know that…� He took a very audible shuddering gasp for air, letting it out just as shakily as he took it in.

“Say it,� Remus gritted through his teeth, fighting back his own tears and simply wanting everything to be done and over with. “Say it, curse you, or you are on your own from here.�

Even if James could not hear them properly, the enormity of what Remus said weighed so heavily on the entire operation that the feel of it reached him in time. “I can’t breathe without you,� he said as he exhaled, almost adding effect to the statement.

Now it was Lily’s term to falter. “….W-what?�

“What?� Sirius and Peter asked as one, the thought of reading what Remus wrote before it was said never once previously dawning on them. Remus couldn’t tell what they did after that; in fact, everything around him faded away as he concentrated solely on not crying or screaming out in pain, but giving himself away completely without any one around him realizing.

“I can’t breathe without you,� said James. The words came with renewed strength, as if saying them the first time erased any doubt and unease that might’ve come. “Every day is not complete unless I see you. Every time I know you are to be somewhere, and you’re not, I feel… incomplete.�

“So now you’re stalking me?�

“No! Of course not. What I mean is…� James let out a natural frustrated sigh. “I…� and then he did what Remus did not expect. He went off on his own.

Remus watched as the parchment fluttered to the ground, soaking in the dew as it came to a rest. Wet spots adorned the parchment held within Remus’s hands and he, too, let it fall.

“I rely on your presence. Your smiles, your actions, even your words of contempt. All of it, all of you, I rely on. You’re a part of my day, Lily, a part of my night. I’m comfortable when I know you’re merely a few rooms away. I’m content with you walking down halls that are the entire length of the castle away from me. Just the fact that you’re there, that you’re safe, I’m okay. But… lately… even that is not enough. I’ve had my fill and I’m now addicted.�

Silence filled the night air and everyone excluded the two in conversation took a gulp.

“Addicted?� Lily inquired flatly.

“Yes. You don’t know how special you are, Lily. How rare. Out of all the girls in Hogwarts, in the whole of Britain, I would want for none other. You’re one of a kind… and you’re the only one worth caring so much for. I would do anything to please you. Even if…� he paused. Remus could feel the tension in James’s throat. He knew the sensation all too well and recognized it instantly.

“Even if…� he tried to continue, and Remus found himself mouthing the words, including the ones he knew were to come.

“Even if… it means… I should disappear.�

“What?�

“If you want me gone… if you want me out of your life… if you never want to know of me or hear of me ever again… I would do that… for you.�

“James…�

“If that’s what it took to prove to you… that I love you…. that everything I say is true… and always will be true… If that is what it took....� His voice trailed off then and did not return.

Again silence reigned over the evening, the only sound coming from a slight breeze. Clouds parted and sent patches of moonlight traveling across the lawn, but none of it touched the party. None of it reached the eyes of Remus; nor could they, for his eyes were squeezed shut and full of tears. His fists were in balls and his nails dug deep into his skin, sending warm trickles of blood inching their way down his hands before slowly dripping to the ground. He didn’t feel the pain, he was beyond it. He grew numb from his writhing internal agony, especially once the words escaped James’s mouth. His own words, and not Remus’s.

It was a long time before either of them spoke again.

“Did you mean it?� Her voice was soft and shaky, and Remus knew she was walking a fine line between two answers. All James had to do was seal the deal.

“Of course I meant it, Lily. Every word, every breath used, every heartbeat that gave me life and time to say it all, it was for you and you alone. I love you.�

Remus felt his knees begin to buckle and a cry rising within his throat, but he said and did nothing. He simply stood there, waiting.

“But James… Everything you’ve done before now, even this, how can I ignore it?�

“Lily, listen to me. I’ve tried to make up for all my mistakes, but that doesn’t matter now. All that matters to me is this night and your answer. I’ve kept this bottled up inside for so long that should I hold it for another day, I’m sure to burst. Not a day passes that I don’t regret doing all those things to make you angry or annoyed with me. If all this night was good for was to apologize to you, proclaim the truth, and bid you a final goodbye, then so be it. I have told you all I can put into words. I love you.�
“Oh, James…�

That was all he needed. James conjured his broom to his side and Remus watched, crestfallen, as he flew up towards the dorm windows, towards his angel; their angel. He had poured all his heart out and his best friend won her instead, rising above and adding to everything to make it better. She had fallen for the words, the emotion held within them, not the wizard he first portrayed but knew to be true. Yet there she was, undoubtedly kissing James this very instant; James and not him. All the while, Sirius and Peter, both of whom had been grinning their bloody heads off during the entire spectacle, never even noticed as Remus stalked away alone, forgotten, and unloved.

He did not get very far, as his legs had slowly turned to lead beneath him. He stood, barely ten feet from where he began, his eyes watering the roots that planted him firmly to the ground. Reaching up with the back of his long sleeve, one slow and pitiful swipe rid him of the cold and drying tears that refused to cease appearing. He had lost.

Very quickly thereafter, in the form of a misguided apology and gesture of condolence, the sky finally parted enough for a bright white light to smile down upon him. At that same time, Sirius came to his senses and finally took notice of Remus’s leave. He became concerned instantly, glancing about to find him. Find him he did, as did James and Peter when the same light caught their eyes. It was then, they realized, that they had all forgotten.

Secret Keeper
Chapter 6

He had faded into the shadows, around the corner of the tower where none could look upon him, but the moonlight did. It shown upon him with such radiance that it was nearly blinding, and it filled Remus’s senses completely. As soon as the light flooded his eyes, he felt like he was floating. Swimming in light with everything falling below him and leaving. He hung calloused and numb before everything plummeted and the light burned. As it fell, it became twisted and gnarled, taking Remus with it as he fought desperately to gain control. Not this night, he pleaded to whatever higher power would hear him, to whatever force created the demon within him hoping that once, just this once, it would show mercy and spare him this night. It was a futile battle and he knew it but still he fought as he had done so many nights before. He battled as a scared child would the monster in the closet or under the bed, the shadows after a nightmare. But the shadows in this nightmare were disguised as the light, and they were far more sinister.

They had forgotten; they had all forgotten and now it was to cost them dearly. The blue moon had caught them off guard, situations had caused Remus to lose track of the days, and his body was changing. It all happened so quickly, mere moments caught within the moonlight. In the last few precious seconds where Remus existed and the werewolf was still held at bay, he heard screams. Some a multitude of girls, shrieking in pure fear as his form slowly began to alter and grow grotesque. Another was just of his name from a female voice that vaguely, with what was left of him, he knew it to be Lily. Still there were others, shouts of curses and other such profanity as his friends rushed toward him. But they didn’t rush at him, they rushed past him. As the were in him gained control, one last thought flashed through his mind: It was too much; they have finally abandoned me.

His body slowly lowered to the ground in defeat. He knew he wasn’t passing out but he was fading away. Everything hurt; his heart, his body, and his shattered mind as the beast slowly gained control and shredded him. Dark gray hair grew quickly and his bones snapped, lengthening and shortening, changing into something not quite canine but not quite human. Instead it was something hideous, something monstrous, something hellish. He spun around nearly on all fours, a frantic cry emanating from deep within his eyes and a vicious snarl forming on his mouth. The last of the conflict. He was losing, and fast. A spark of him knew he had to leave, he had to save what was left of him before he was gone completely, and he had to save his friends. But it was too late. Within a heartbeat he was gone. The beast had won.

Through blurred vision, a new primitive and wild mind emerged and tested the surroundings. The light covered everything in a haze and sounds of the night and world surround him exploded in his ears. A twig snapped, sounding of thunder crashing across the sky, and he saw a tall shape quickly hunch over in the tree-line and grow four paws as fur erupted over its entire body. He ignored it, recognizing it as an animal, and continued to widen his senses. He smelled fresh meat within the air, prey not far off and some so close it was like picking fish from a still pond. The tantalizing scent was mere feet away and it lead him directly to a shadow standing not far in front of him, pressed against the stone of the castle tower, reeking of fear. His tongue ran across his teeth, anticipating the meal. A step was taken and the figure pushed farther away, whimpering. Food.

In what came as unexpected and complete shock, there was quick movement to the left of him. It rushed by with amazing speed before turning and barreling straight at him, but he stepped aside easily and swung one dangerous paw at the offending creature, catching its legs and sending it tumbling to the ground. Even as he turned and watched the animal fall, relishing in the idea of yet another soon-to-be fresh kill, something hard slammed into him and knocked him to the ground. He growled at the animal that got in his way of a second kill and answered it equally, showing it what happened when a creature came between him and his prey. He snapped and bit hard on what he knew to be thin leg of a stag as another force crashed into him from the side. The black animal had returned with all the force as it had when it arrived, a beast in the ferocity of its attack. They were pushing him away, simply that, and there were only two. However, they attacked him with such force that it surprised him; he had not expected such strength to pulsate from two animals not of his kind. Still, they were creating more and more distance from him and his meal and he very quickly grew annoyed. Now the lesson began; now he would teach them about dealing with his kind.

He fought back equally and sporadically, surging forward and leaping aside at the final second to create a surprise gash along a leg or face. He bit and slashed with everything he had, every instinct and ounce of raw power he held. Yet it was not enough. With every injury he caused to these creatures, they brought it back double. They fought with intensity; with a strange, alien power that somehow steadily forced him backward toward one focal point: a swaying tree with branches drooping to the ground. They had changed their tactic, no longer driving him away but also attempting to hurt him, to disable him from causing any other damage, and to slow him down. They became blurs within his vision, moving in such speeds and coming to focus only when they stopped and stared at him before they attacked, and when they were sure he knew what was coming; they were making sure he knew. He growled at them, a gurgling, monstrous rumble from deep within him. They were playing with him! They were like cats! They threw their kill around and taunted it before giving the final swipe and stopping the heart. He won’t let that happen, he will not be their kill, his heart will not stop, and he will prove it to them.

His attacks grew in intensity as he fought back. He lashed out with both paws and stripped the flesh from the stag’s side. It stumbled back and he let out a victorious howl that echoed throughout the strange structure looming in front of him and all through the forests surrounding. The very sound energized him and he let it rise. Both creatures stopped in fear, a look of extreme disbelief showing through their eyes. He had gained the upper hand and he loved it; it made him feel empowered and stronger. He was going show them what it was to fight, to feel pain, to live. He was alive and drew upon the rage bubbling from deep within him, an anger and pure agony he had never felt before but somehow knew that these creatures in front of him were the cause. They would pay.

The black animal, one that was closest to resembling himself lunged at him, his fangs bared and ready. They sunk into his shoulder and his howl became one filled with pain. With one mighty blow, he threw the dog creature aside. There was a yelp as it slammed into a nearby tree, a loud crack resonating through the air, and then laid there motionless. Triumphant, he advanced. A sudden stabbing pain exploded from his side and stopped his advances. He had enough time to realize that prongs were being forced into him before he was lifted and hurled a few feet away, in the same direction they were pushing him to begin with. He could hear screams, ones filled with terror as they joined the previous howls still echoing throughout the night. He reveled in the screams and they gave him power, re-energizing him. He jumped to his feet and glared darkly at what attacked him. The stag stood there, magnificent in its evident pain, as blood poured profusely from its wounds. It lowered it head and slowly took a step forward. A challenge. Good.

The stag charged at a full gallop and he jumped above the antlers, landing and clawing into the beast’s back, ripping the already opened gashes wider than before and sinking his teeth into the still unmarred skin. It released an unmistakable howl of agony and slammed to the ground, rolling onto its back in order to push him off. He gouged into it, clinging all the more. Something within him wanted to hurt this creature badly, wanted to rid it from existence. The stag cried out as all attempts to free itself from him failed. Soon only a few more pushes, a few more bites, and the cries would stop. There was a loud snarl and the black dog plowed into him, sending him skidding across the ground. He looked up to see it snarling in rage over the fallen stag. Pools of blood blanketed the ground around the stag and that seemed to enrage the dog all the more. He pulled himself to his feet, barely noticing the throbbing pain from his injuries, and he rushed the dog. It leapt aside and sunk its teeth into his neck. In return, he did the same, pulling away and chomping on the dog’s face. It yelped again and tried to get free but failed. Now he had the dog in his grasp and one swift twist would end everything. Yet before he could move, something struck violently into his side causing him to release the dog and sending him flying across the lawn again. The stag had kicked him and was now struggling to its feet, white foam forming at its mouth and dripping to the ground. The dog got to its feet and stood equally with the stag, a steady flow of blood streaming from the gash on its face. They advanced together but he stood his ground. When they came a foot from him, the stag reared and pounded its front hooves into his body. The dog snapped and lunged and swiped at him. The onslaught drove him back, proving to be too much, and he found himself coming ever closer to the moving tree.

Within minutes, he was standing under the swinging branches. They were shifting and swaying above him dangerously and he had to concentrate on dodging them as well as the creatures in front of him. Then, suddenly, the branches stopped. The stag and dog’s attention snapped to something by the trunk of the gigantic tree and he noticed a new scent in the air. A rat. The dog growled and barked loudly. He saw this, heard this, and knew that this was his time to attack again while their attention was diverted. He took his chance and lunged into the air at the dog. The dog looked up and he saw his own form reflected in its dark eyes. He also saw the reflection of the branch. Whatever had caused the branches to stop swaying had gone away. It struck him viciously in the side and sent him flying into other branches. They pummeled him continuously and endlessly, shattering bones upon impact. He fell, broken and bloody, and saw the branches stop again. The dog and stag limped over to him and stared down just as the light began to fade again and he was enveloped in the passing darkness.


When Remus finally awoke, his entire body felt as if a troll had come and beaten him with its club while he slept. Bandages and casts adorned his body, some old and soaked in red while others were fresh and tight. His ribs were bruised and broken, probably the most injured part of him aside from his heart. He couldn’t move, nor did he dare to, and he barely wished to open his eyes for fear of being blinded while every sound he heard exploded in his ears. Each time this occurred, his already pounding head screamed out and threatened to burst. Without opening his eyes, he could sense bright and soothingly warm sunlight pouring through an open window and a cool breeze caressing his broken body. Nature seemed to be apologizing for something, and when he thought back on previous events, as well as current, he could easily guess what had happened.

Remus wished for the arms of sleep to wrap around him and bring him into sweet oblivion and deadened sensations once more, but this was his life and so his wishes never came true to begin with. A haggard sigh escaped from his lips and suddenly new sounds came to him. There were voices coming from the other side of the room, hushed and sorrowful, almost regretful. Going against what his body was telling him, he strained to hear the conversation. The recognizable tones of James and Sirius floated to him.

“I still can’t believe he was that strongly –�

“And I still can’t see why you find it so hard to believe. Think of everything that’s happened. Of course he would’ve drawn upon it unknowingly. Things like that are strong, Padfoot, and he was exceptionally strong.�

“He was? Bloody hell, look at you! I’m surprised you aren’t in a coma right now, with everything he did.�

“Yeah? Better be glad Madam Pomfrey is as good as she is, otherwise you’d have a very unattractive scar running down the entire length of your face. Not to mention everything else wrong with you.�

“I don’t know... I think it might’ve shown character.�

They chuckled for a bit, but it died quickly.

“What now, James?�

“With what?�

“What do we say? How do we explain this? Madam Pomfrey is going to push us to know, and Dumbledore —�

“We let them know as little as possible.�

“And that would be?�

“…I don’t know.�

“And what of Evans, then?�

James’s answer was immediate this time. “We leave it go. She made her choice.�

“And she chose you.�

“Kind of makes you wonder, doesn’t it? What more does she see in me that isn’t in him? He’s so much more than either of us.�

“Are you kidding me? Don’t tell me you didn’t see it before. James, Evans constantly thought of you. If anything, she was torn between you two.�

“You heard what she said...�

“Yeah, and I saw what she did. She came in here, she saw you.�

“She spent more time with him.� He paused. “You think... this situation... do you think it made her change her mind?�

“Evans isn’t the kind who would change her mind like that just so she could take care of someone. She kissed you today. She kissed him as well, yes, but it was different. She kissed you longer. She looked at you differently. I think she really cares about you, and you doing all that you did last night made her realize just how much. James... she was right there...�

“...I know. I know what she saw.�

“So now she knows.�

“Yes, she does.�

“So then, are we going to let her keep what she saw?�

“I can’t lie to her, you know that.�

Sirius sighed. “Yes, very well. Alright then,� Remus could hear him stretch. “It looks like we have a new recruit in the group.�

“Looks like it.�

And that was it. Nothing more was said out loud. Internally, Remus’s mind was a chaotic mess of questions and thoughts, mental images and possibilities. What happened to him while he was unconscious? How much did Lily see? If she saw everything, if she saw what he had evidently done, would she still be as close to him as before? Things were changing, he knew that much, but he was afraid to know just how much.

Sometime thereafter he had fallen back to sleep. His dreams were scattered with traumatic flashes and snapshots of horrific memories and actions from the night before. He could not remember much but when he finally awoke, it sickened him to such an extreme that he risked the consequences of movement and leaned over the side of the bed, thankful that a large bucket awaited him there. His wounds felt as if they were eating him alive or held hammers and pounded relentlessly at his body. Every movement afflicted him and only in staying motionless did he find relief. The hospital wing was empty except for two beds toward the other end of the room. The curtains were drawn around each but stopped before it restricted view from one bed to the other. Remus knew that was where James and Sirius lay. He also knew they were sleeping, as there was no sound emitting from them.

The silence of the room disquieted him. It didn’t feel real, yet not magical at the same time. It felt wrong. Uneasily he forced himself into a sitting position, ignoring the pain, and glanced about him. There were a few get-well cards and gifts scattered at the bottom of his bed and on the tables around him but there were probably more around James and Sirius’s, as they were more popular. Some of the presents were the usual polite comments and well-wishes along with the randomly placed Chocolate Frog or Bertie Bott’s Beans. Others were more meaningful, such as fresh roles of bandages or a new book for him to read in his spare time. He knew Lily had given him those, as she knew they were needed and loved, and he loved her for it.

Then he remembered the main events from the past night, and his heart wilted. She was his now and evidently it was what she had always wanted. Remus had caught her at a time where she was most confused and as much as he tried to stay away from her, his presence had only worsened things. Acting as himself, he had shown Lily what she had seen all along but in a clearer way. Helping James with courting her, he had allowed her to see him for what he really was and allowed her to make her decision, however rushed it may have been. Either way, she must’ve been happy with it otherwise James and Sirius would have been talking of other matters and in a different way.

He had officially lost. Sighing, he settled back into his pillow and reached for the book nearest him. His wounds were healing slowly but at least he could move. Once he was reading he would be still and somewhat comfortable and he looked forward to that. The book was of a boy who gained power over a kingdom but lost it again; one who found a twin in life and switched places; one where both went through painstaking adventures and still came out on top; one where the question of which one was truly rich and fortunate and which wasn’t had yet to be answered through the years. He had been meaning to pick it up for quite some time now and was glad to finally have it. However, right before he started opening it to the cover page, a sound caught his attention. It was the grating sound of metal against metal. He looked up to see Lily walk out of the curtains from James and Sirius’s beds, her back to him, and slowly pull the curtains closed again. Then she turned around and stared at him. Her gaze was soft and sad.

“Hello, Remus,� she whispered. She also stayed right where she was.

“Lily...� he answered, his voice barely audible even in the near silence.

They stared at each other, each waiting for the other to make the first move.

“You found the book I gave you,� she said finally.

“I did, thank you.�

“It was no problem, really.� She looked down and her hands were twisting, twining, and unlatching in front of her. Lily was never the kind to fidget, yet there she was, fidgeting.

“Lily...�

“What you did,� she blurted out. “For James... I just... thank you for pushing him.�

Remus blinked and shook his head, trying to make sense of what she had just said. “Excuse me?�

“I know you were helping him. I knew you were helping him all along. I... I wanted to thank you. I always... with him... I mean...�

Remus held up a bandaged hand. “I know. And... it was an honor to help out.�

She smiled at him.

“Lily, I have to ask...�

“Yes?�

“Are you happy?�

Her smile widened. “Yes. I am.�

Secret Keeper
Chapter 7


Somehow that wasn’t the response Remus anticipated. ‘I’m unsettled,’ perhaps, or maybe even ‘What do you think?’ It made him wonder what it took to make her happy. Still, as much as the answer stung him and his primal nature wished that she realized she had made a mistake and was, in fact, unhappy, he bottled his emotions like so many times before and forced a kind smile.

“I’m glad,� he said before secretly adding to himself, ‘You deserve to be happy.’

And then there was silence between them, the uncomfortable type Remus would rather do without. The kind where things had to be said and pounded on the conscious to do so, and yet were never uttered. He stared at her, at her body standing awkwardly before him and lips pressed tightly shut. Suddenly, his primal nature won and he hated her. Everything she had put him through came flooding back and he wanted to scream. Regardless of his affection for her, of his love that would never disappear, the lycan within him still held sway over his thoughts. The moon, after all, still hung swollen in the sky. In the dreaded still of the room, he took back what he previously thought to himself. Her contentment no longer mattered to him, instead he wished for her regret and shame of so quickly changing herself by choosing one over the other. He had thought her better than that. Much better. Above it, even. Yet, instead of outwardly displaying his sudden animosity toward her, which stirred unwanted chaos within him concerning his warring emotions, a look of bewilderment crossed his face. He blindly stared at the white linen sheets that covered his lower half and knitted his eyebrows together.

“Lily,� he said hesitantly, experimenting with his next choice of words before delivering them. “I… I’m sorry… but… I don’t understand. You’re actions… they’re… they’re not yours. Why —�

Her laugh cut him short. A smile lit up her features and simultaneously melted and strengthened the tension and confusion within the room. She laughed for quite a while before finally wiping a stray tear from her eye and coming to perch almost delicately at the edge of his bed. As she took one of his hands in hers, she sighed softly.

“You deserve to hear this,� she began. Had it not been for the warmest glow Remus had ever seen within her eyes, he would have began to expect the worst. ‘I never really loved you. It was all a game. I can’t believe you fell for it. How pathetic are you, thinking that a girl could ever possibly have any feelings for you,’ were the many possibilities flying through his mind. And yet they never came. Instead he saw the warmth and he knew that James was the one who somehow put it there.

“James and I…� she began almost reluctantly. “We’ve been talking for quite some time.�

“I knew that already,� he answered, unsure of what she was getting at or the new turns the conversation would take.

“What you didn’t know…� She took a deep breath. “Was that – well – to put it mildly… I already held him in high regard.�

Remus blinked. “You already liked him.�

“Something like that, yes.�

“But then… everything you said… that night… by the fireplace and on the stairs… why?�

“Because I’ve always held you in high regard, as well!� she grinned. “He gave me laughter, you gave me time.�

“But it wasn’t enough…�

“It could have been, at one time,� she whispered, her eyes falling to their clasped hands. “But then I saw loyalty and knew that some things could never be.�

“Loyalty. So loyalty is a turn-off to you?�

“Merlin’s beard, of course not! But how could I date a friend of the person I…�

She didn’t have to finish her statement for Remus to understand.

“And James? How did he finally win your heart?�

Lily took a deep breath. For a moment he thought she would pull her hands away from him, but she didn’t move. It was her way of showing that through it all, though she wasn’t directly with him, she would always be by his side. Despite everything that told him opposite he knew that and expected it, though he didn’t know how he knew.

“He was there when you weren’t,� she finally said. “He… showed me he could give me what I needed.�

“And that was?�

“Devotion. And… protection.�

Suddenly Remus felt like quoting Shakespeare. ‘Aye, there’s the rub!’ flashed through his mind as a Muggle neon sign would in a window advertising some drink or the status of the place, be it open or closed. As for right now, he kept his mouth closed and merely nodded. He had been right all along and the little boy he saw before would remain safe in James’s care.

No more words passed between them. Remus fought back tears and pain, remaining outwardly stoic and understanding. Seeing this, Lily squeezed his hands.

“Remus, say something.�

“Ah, let him be that way, he deserves it!� called a voice from across the room, causing Lily to jump and instantly release her hold on Remus’s hands. He raised his eyes just in time to see Sirius pull the curtain back from the beds and send a dog-like grin in their direction. “After all he’s been through some silence will do him good. I think he’s had enough snarling to last him a lifetime by now.�

“My lifetime is enormous, so that’s saying a lot,� Remus managed to say and produce a smile.

James, now visible, returned the smile and climbed off his bed. Remus could see through the thin hospital wing gown that he was covered in bandages, the most centering around his torso, abdomen, and back. It sickened Remus to see the wrappings, knowing that he was the one who caused them. But James didn’t seem to mind. He held back grimaces and kept walking toward them all the same.

“James!� Lily called. “Get back to your bed. Madam Pomfrey works wonders, but you’re still not nearly well enough to be up and about.�

“You worry too much,� was his response as he obediently lowered himself into a bed directly beside Remus. Soon Sirius had joined them on Remus’s other side, making more of a spectacle of himself and obviously in a better condition than James. However, Remus noted, Sirius did have something resembling a brace wrapped around his frame. It seemed his back was more injured than he let on.

“So, Moony,� Sirius greeted as one again he stretched and reclined against the raised bed. “Feeling better are we? No longer under the influence of the moon.�

“Try me,� he glared.

“Now, you should know better, Padfoot!� James laughed, though softly due to his injuries. “The moon is full in the day too, he’s just not under the light. Still, he feels the effects. And how long have you been experiencing this by now?� he joked.

“I was only making polite conversation,� Sirius shrugged.

“Right. And we’re only remaining here for our own health.�

At that Sirius burst out laughing. “Oh, the things we could be doing right now. Snivellus, for example, I still have a few tricks up my sleeve for him.�

“You will leave him alone,� Lily ordered strongly.

“But —�

“You heard me!�

Sirius groaned and sent a mournful stare in James’s direction. “And it starts…�

James merely chuckled. Remus, too, could not help but laugh at the scene before him. It was like old times in the wing. It felt nice.

“So why are you staying here if you feel you are well enough to go?� he couldn’t help but ask.

Sirius shrugged again. “I’m with him,� was all he said. So, Remus’s gaze fell upon James who merely smiled once again at him.

“As much as I would love to leave, as you can see I can’t. My pride must be hurt as well if I have to admit that I’m still too injured to go anywhere. Besides, do you really think we’d leave you here alone?�

“Well, I had thought that… with it being my fault…�

“Nonsense!� exclaimed Lily. “Besides, I wouldn’t hear of it!�

“Me neither,� added James.

“I’m with him,� was once again all Sirius said. Now he seemed to be drifting off to sleep, but Remus knew better and expected something much more interesting and time consuming to be playing out in the boy’s head.

Remus felt his face become warm as a blush crept into it. The knowledge that they did, in fact, want him around softened his heart enough that it the walls being constructed around it would have windows or at least a few gates to reach inside. And yet…

“Where’s Peter?�

“Damage control,� answered Sirius through a yawn. “We have to make sure none of the other girls know anything. He’s going around doing just that. And he had better get it done right, or I’m turning him into a rat and making him stay that way for a long, long time.�

“They… then they saw…�

“All they saw,� began Lily as she one again clasped one of Remus’s hands, “was a werewolf emerging from the shadows. They don’t know who it was. As for these two gits, they had run off into the shadows and gave themselves enough time to make it seem as if the animals coming out where not the two that originally went in.�

“Genius, if I do say so myself,� Sirius grinned.

“But how are you in here without Madam Pomfrey’s suspicions?�

“Haven’t you been listening?� asked Sirius as he took his thumb and pointed it toward the doors.

The room fell quiet then. For the first time, Remus could hear voices drifting through the closed hospital wing doors. He recognized them immediately to be Madam Pomfrey and Professor Dumbledore.

“Honestly, if out students are out risking their lives doing who knows what, we should put a stop to it! I can’t have my patients coming in so severely injured!�

“I assure you, Poppy,� replied Dumbledore in his usual calm and omniscient tone. “You needn’t worry much longer about it. Soon you’ll hardly even remember such injuries coming into your care.�

“But I’d like to know how they hurt themselves. Then we can be rid of the problem and the students will be safe.�

“Madam,� Professor Dumbledore began again. “There is nothing to worry about. Potter, Black, and Lupin all arrived in time for you to treat them. They will be fine due to your superb healing abilities and fine concoctions. There is nothing more for you to worry about except the next minor injury that requires your attention.�

“But Professor —�

“How about some tea? I can have the house-elves make us some wonderful French tea, I’m sure you’ll love it.�

Remus could hear footsteps echoing down the hall and Madam Pomfrey’s futile protests. Soon there was silence again.

“What…� he looked between Sirius and James respectively. “Did you do?�

“A simple memory charm,� answered James. “Lily’s idea actually, and she was the one who carried it out too. See, all the other times we could get away with not coming here, but this time – well – obviously things were different.�

“Yeah, does a blue moon give you more strength or something?� Sirius blurt out. “The way you fought, I about died from excitement!�

“You about died to begin with,� Remus mumbled.

“Besides the point,� Lily waved him off. “Everything’s taken care of. The girls know nothing, Madam Pomfrey remembers nothing and as far as she’s concerned you three lost control of your brooms and flew straight into the Whomping Willow. As for Dumbledore —�

“He’s handling things quite nicely,� James grinned and nodded.

Remus finally caught on. He understood what they were saying well enough, but it was the smile that got to him.

“James,� he said. “Is there something —�

Again he was cut off by laughter. This time from both James and Sirius.

“Before you ask,� James said through his laughter. “I want you to know that I already knew.�

“W-what?!�

“Just as I said, I knew all along about you and Lily. And it’s alright, really.�

“Y-you did? And it is? Did I miss something?�

“You think I’m that dimwitted?� James blurt out. “Of course I knew! It was so obvious! I knew right when I met you on the stairs. But…� he reached over and placed a hand on Remus’s shoulders, his demeanor softening completely. “I also trusted you, my friend, and I am glad to see that trust pulled through.�

Now Remus felt like crying. To admit something in front of Lily and Sirius was simply too much, it took such a toll on him that it alone seemed worse than everything else he had experienced. He wanted to keep everything a secret and now that was nearly impossible.

“And still you did nothing,� he shook his head in a disbelieving manner.

“I knew I didn’t need to,� James withdrew his hand. “I trusted you, Remus. I knew your loyalty was too strong and I relied on that.�

“See what I mean?� commented Lily.

“Yes, I do.�

“So, just to set things straight, you know that we’re always here for you, Remus, no matter what is going on. We want you to tell us things. No more of this keeping secrets, alright? I don’t want anything to come between us again.�

“I’m still curious, though,� said Lily questioningly, a sly grin forming on her lips. “Why a window tactic?�

“Well… you know James,� Sirius answered this time in an attempt for fix things within the room. “Romantic and over the top.� James promptly blushed.

“And cliché,� she added. His blush deepened.

Remus shrugged. “Couldn’t talk him out of it even if we hit him repeatedly with both Beater clubs and a Bludger.�

Yet, before anyone could answer with a lighthearted agreement or release any sort of laughter, the sound of a nearby floorboard creaking got their full attention. Sirius was on his feet instantly, his wand at the ready, and he crept stealthily towards the door. If they were being spied upon, the consequences would be drastic. They all knew this, so it was all Sirius could do to act as the investigator as he was the only one in the best condition aside from Lily, who was currently preoccupied by the two boys surrounding her. He looked back at James only once to signify that he should draw his wand just in case. When he did so, and once Lily made it known that she was prepared for anything, Sirius slowly reached for the door and pried it open in one quick jerk.

The body that fell forward let out a squeak of surprise and bowed to Sirius, his nose less than an inch from the floor.

“Merlin’s Beard, Wormtail!� Sirius cried. “What the bloody hell do you think you’re doing?! Never sneak up like that again! You nearly scared us half to death!�

“S-sorry!� he squeaked once more as Sirius hauled him to his feet and briskly patted the dust off him. “Didn’t mean any harm.�

James let loose a huge sigh of relief and sunk back into his bed, stiffly stretching his legs. “Nearly gave us a heart attack, Wormtail,� he said. “What were you doing out there like that? And how long were you there anyway?�

“N-not long. Not long at all. Just coming to see if Moony was all right. You all left in such a hurry that I didn’t have time to follow.�

“Yeah, sorry about that,� Sirius stated indifferently as he ran his hand through his hair in a James-like fashion. “It was sort of necessary. Didn’t mean anything by it.�

“It’s alright,� Peter murmured as he came to stand near Remus’s bed. “It was just hard to handle Snape without you three there to help.�

“Snivellus bothered you, did he?� Sirius nearly barked. “The great grease ball… just wait till I get to him…�

“Padfoot, you’ll do nothing,� spoke James, much to Sirius’s dismay and Lily’s surprise. “I’m sure it was nothing more than name-calling, right Wormtail?�

Peter gazed at James. “Right. That’s it.�

“See? Nothing to worry about.�

But Remus didn’t believe them. When it came to Snape, no matter how many times James and Sirius put him in his place and more often than not crossed the line, he could still say some revolting things. No, there was something else bothering Peter, something that he wasn’t letting on about. It seemed that Remus wasn’t the only one keeping secrets, he just wished he knew what this one was.

“And now!� Sirius clapped his hands in an attempt to break the tension and succeeding in snapping Remus’s attention back to the room. “All this excitement as made me hungry. I need food! James, up for an adventure?�

“To the pear!� he yelled just as excitedly and raised a fist in the air. He got to his feet, gave Lily a gentle kiss on her forehead, one that lingered just a bit longer than a normal kiss should have lasted, and motioned for Peter to follow as the three boys quietly opened the large doors and snuck out.

Remus was once again left alone in a room with Lily.

“What now?� he asked, noticing their hands were still clasped.

“Nothing changes,� she shrugged. “We remain friends, James and I date, Sirius mopes about as usual when he isn’t the center of attention, and you remain by our side always. Life goes on for us.�

“And you and James, how do you think that’ll go?�

“I don’t know,� she smiled softly. “Nor do I want to know. I want to live life and he’ll help me do that to the fullest. And you, my dearest friend, I shall always rely on.�

“I don’t know what good I’ll be.�

“You’ll be plenty good!� she smiled brightly. “For guidance, assurance, reliability for just about anything, and, most importantly, enduring friendship.�

“You seek all that in me.�

“All the time.�

“Even through what I did, you all treat me as if nothing happened. I don’t understand how you can when I see what happened, what came of it all, and I hate myself. How can you seek so much good in me when it obviously doesn’t exist?�

“It exists,� she replied strongly. “It exists here.� She took her finger and touched it to his breast, right where his heart lay. “You have so much good inside of you, Remus. I can’t understand why you can’t see it for yourself when I see it every day. It’s there, and I love that it’s there. You are beautiful, Remus… you’re beautiful… Always remember that.�

Then she embraced him. When she tilted her head to give him her final kiss, once again sending sparks shooting from his lips and through his entire body, he felt complete for the first time in so long.

-----

Not much more can be said after this. Four of the five graduated at the top of their class; Peter, no matter how his friends aided him, could never maintain acceptable grades. James and Lily developed such a close relationship that Remus and Sirius began to suspect they had secretly been together their entire stay at Hogwarts. Their love was incredible. Throughout everything, Voldemort’s rise to power and the many attempts on their lives, as well as regular quarrels between lovers, they managed to maintain their genuine affection, adoration, respect, and trust. Remus was happy for them, for they had found so soon in each other what few others attain in a lifetime. When Harry was finally born, Remus knew that he would receive the greatest gift of all: the love of his parents, both between themselves and to him directly. Remus also saw in him what he had seen in the boy of his dreams, and because of that he felt, though Sirius was the official guardian, that he held a sort of dutiful protection over him. He kept that protection through the many years following James and Lily’s death and Sirius incarceration. He kept it through his teaching at Hogwarts, through the Order, and for as long as he could afterward. He would keep it up until death, and even then it would continue somehow.

What allowed him to maintain his strength through the years was something Lily gave him. After all was said and done and things had finally calmed down enough for Remus to relax and begin his reading, he was surprised to find a note from Lily inside her gift. It was on the cover page, written in the beautiful cursive that Lily chose to use from time to time, just out of the way to make it personal but not too formal. It kept him going when times became too painful for him to bear, when loneliness settled in or he was weighed down by everything around him. He returned to it from time to time, especially after hers and James’s death, to once again find the strength and courage Lily had left for him. Her words helped him survive nearly everything, and through his actions he passed them to Harry, although Harry wasn’t aware of it.

‘No matter what anyone else says or does,’ it read, ‘you are loved. And you will never know just how much. It is your strength, dear one, hold it safe and hold it close. Lose it and you lose everything. Keep it and the world is yours.’

This advice has aided many since the words were written. And though Remus kept them secret for quite some time until they were needed by another, he followed them. By doing so, he held his love, and the few others worthy of the emotion, within his heart until the end of his days.

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“You know the very first time I saw you Harry I recognized you immediately, not by your scar but by your eyes. They’re your mother, Lily’s. Yes…. oh, yes… I knew her…. Your mother was there for me at a time when no one else was. Not only was she a singularly gifted witch, she was also an uncommonly kind woman. She had a way seeing the beauty in others even, and, perhaps, most especially when that person could not see it in themselves. Your father, James, on the other hand, he, heh, he had a certain, shall we say, talent for trouble. A talent, rumor has it, he passed on to you. You’re more like them than you know, Harry. And in time you’ll come to see just how much.�

-- Remus Lupin, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, the movie.