Summary: A compilation of the most commonly used Harry Potter clichés in the fandom. Features Angsty!Harry, Sweet!Draco, Head Dorms, sudden romances in the forms of Ron/Hermione, Harry/Ginny and of course, Draco/Hermione, because what's a cliché without them?
The Marauders also make an appearance in this fic, including Lily/Lily's best friend/Lily's other best friend.
Warning: mention of hippopotamuses inside.
Chapter Five is up! The story is done. Also, thank you to everyone who nominated this neatly tied bundle of ridiculousness in the QQ awards, I really appreciate it!
Categories: Humor Fics Characters: None
Warnings: None
Challenges: Series: None
Chapters: 5
Completed: Yes
Word count: 6689
Read: 17400
Published: 06/03/06
Updated: 09/29/06
1. A Collection of All-Sorts by just_the_contrary
2. The New York Student Exchange by just_the_contrary
3. I'll Just Go Throw Myself a Large Pity Party by just_the_contrary
4. I Came, I Saw, I Dissolved Into a Fit of Laughter by just_the_contrary
5. Bring Me to Life by just_the_contrary
A Collection of All-Sorts by just_the_contrary
We are smart and caring too
Can’t forget drop-dead gorgeous
We are never sad and blue
Of course we have feelings
But we never get too sad
We always make things better
Around us, things are never bad!
Our long, thick hair is lustrous
Our eyes twinkle in the sunlight
We don’t need to study to get good grades
We party ‘till the twilight!
You aren’t as good as us
Or you would be here too
We are the best of all the students
We are Sparklypoo!
The perfect girls clapped their hands and cheered as the perfect guys smiled from the couches of the Sparklypoo common room. They laughed and flipped their long, perfectly coloured (naturally) hair around.
“Who wants to party?” giggled a girl named Midnight Song.
“We do!” chorused the entire population of Sparklypoo.
“No, we can’t,” said a crestfallen Platinum Harmony. “We have class in a minute.”
“Alright, everyone to class!” Midnight chirped.
The Sparklypoos drifted off to their respective classes. Midnight, Platinum, and their seventh-year classmates all went to the third floor for Charms with the Gryffindors. On the way, they met some Ravenclaw first-years.
“Hello,” one of them said, his eyes wide. He was short with messy brown hair.
“Honey, you don’t have to be worried. I won’t hurt you. Although I am perfect,” Platinum added as an afterthought.
“How do you know what I’m thinking?” asked the small boy nervously.
“Because I’m a natural Legilimens,” responded Platinum. “And Occlumens, and I’m ten years ahead of most people in school, and I’m extraordinarily beautiful, and I’m an Animagus, and a Metamorphagus.”
“Well, got to go!” said Midnight happily. They strode down the hall to class.
“Today, we will be doing Protean Charms!” Professor Flitwick squeaked. “Who knows what they are?”
All of the Sparklypoos raised their hands. Hermione Granger did also.
“Yes, Miss Song?”
“A Protean Charm is a complicated N.E.W.T level charm that can change the appearance of an object,” recited Midnight.
“Very good, exactly what it is!” clapped Flitwick excitedly. “Now, everyone point their wands at the coin in front of you and say, Proteaneus!”
Each of the Sparklypoos did the charm flawlessly. Hermione did too.
“Oh, Hermione!” Ron said. “You did the charm perfectly!”
“Yes, I did,” Hermione said, smiling.
“You look so beautiful,” Ron admired. “Ever since you got that miraculous beauty makeover over the summer and got your hair dyed blonde, you have been the most beautiful girl in the school. I am blinded by your supreme prettiness.”
“Oh, thank you,” replied Hermione. “Have I ever mentioned that I am deeply in love with you?”
“No, you haven’t,” Ron said thoughtfully. “Oh well. I love you too, ‘Mione!”
“NO ONE EVER CALLS HER ‘MIONE!” yelled Harry from the next seat. “I AM EXTREMELY ANGRY RIGHT NOW, SO IF YOU ANNOY ME AGAIN I’LL HAVE TO HEX YOU!”
“Goodness, Harry, you’re always angry,” said Ron.
“NO I’M NOT!” Harry then stood up on his seat. “I AM VERY ANGSTY RIGHT NOW SO PLEASE DON’T INSULT ME! HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF VOLDEMORT TRIED TO KILL YOU EVERY FIVE MINUTES?”
Ron wasn’t listening because he was busy snogging Hermione.
~*~
“Class, listen up!” commanded Professor McGonagall. The seventh-year Gryffindors and Slytherins were having Transfiguration together. “Tomorrow evening, we will be having a Masquerade Ball!”
“Oh, that’s nothing new, we always have masquerade balls,” said Ron disappointedly. “I thought it was something interesting.”
“So get your costumes, because it will be fun. Come alone so we can all dance with each other without knowing who we’re dancing with! Maybe someone will fall in love while not realizing the person he or she falls in love with is their most hated enemy! So anyway, let’s do some Transfiguring of hippopotamuses…”
~*~
Hermione donned her new silver mask and large, puffy gown that made her look like a pink fairy princess. It was nearly impossible to tell it was her, because she had hidden all her new good looks and straight blonde hair under her silver mask.
She entered the Great Hall and immediately spied a boy standing alone near a table. He was wearing old-fashioned style robes, and his mask looked faintly like a pirate. Hmmm.
She walked over to him, and they started dancing.
“Oh, mysterious fair lady, you are so beautiful,” the unknown boy said. He had a strong, drawling voice but Hermione couldn’t quite place it. He had a few wisps of platinum blonde hair poking out of the top of his mask.
“How do you know I am beautiful if you don’t know who I am?” she asked.
“Because I can tell,” he responded. “You are just so beautiful. I am astounded by this sudden attraction I feel for you.”
They danced closer. They danced for the whole night until they were the only ones left dancing. Even though she was tired from dancing for so long, Hermione was still very much excited by her new love interest.
“Mysterious woman, I fear that we must leave this Hall,” the boy said. “But I have one last thing for you before I leave.”
“What is that?” asked Hermione.
“This,” he said.
He brought her closer and kissed her. She wrapped her arms around him, savouring his extremely good kiss.
“Goodbye,” he said, waving as he left the Great Hall.
~*~
Harry was angry, as always. He had come to the Great Hall for breakfast only to find they were not serving sausages that day. He wanted sausages!
“I WANT SAUSAGES!” he told everyone in the Great Hall. He climbed up onto the wooden bench. “WHY ARE THERE NO SAUSAGES? I FIGHT VOLDEMORT, WHO YOU ARE ALL SO SCARED OF, SO WHY CAN’T I GET THE BREAKFAST OPTIONS I WANT? I AM SO ANGRY!”
“Harry, calm down,” Ron said in between snogging Hermione.
“NO, I WILL NOT CALM DOWN!” he yelled. “YOU JUST SHUT UP, RON. YOU DISGUST ME, SNOGGING YOUR GIRLFRIEND IN PUBLIC, YOU “ ”
“Harry?”
Harry looked down to see a smiling Ginny. He quickly got down off the bench and stood eye-level to her.
“Harry, please don’t yell,” she said in a soft voice.
“Sorry,” he replied quietly.
“Harry, I know I’ve been going out with twenty other guys this year, but I’ve decided to drop them all because… I love you. What do you say?”
“Oh, Ginny!” he cried, throwing his arms around her. “I’m ecstatic! I’ve loved you ever since the moment I laid eyes on you at the Burrow. I love you.”
“Great!” Ginny cried happily. She grabbed his suddenly extremely muscular arms and stood on tiptoe.
Harry looked into her eyes, and she brought her face closer to his. They paused for a moment, and kissed.
The New York Student Exchange by just_the_contrary
The sun was setting over the hills, with grey fog closing in on Hogwarts Castle. The grounds were green with bits of snow left over from the last snowfall, and students were milling around, watching a… no, it couldn’t be!
It was a bird!
It was… hippo?
No! It was a large flying subway car!
Harry’s eyes opened wide, for they were closed from kissing Ginny, his new girlfriend. Every student on the grounds watched as the subway car came exceedingly quickly to a stop.
Dumbledore arrived, magically Apparating on the Hogwarts Grounds even though that’s impossible, and put his wand to his neck to magnify it.
“Students!” he said. “There is a new student joining us today!”
The trio and Ginny swivelled around to see who it was.
A girl stepped out. She was quite pretty, and she was wearing long purple robes that contrasted with her yellow hair.
“Hi,” she said, smiling and waving at the Hogwarts crowd.
“Why don’t you introduce yourself?” Dumbledore asked.
“I’m Keighley Harris,” she said. “I’m seventeen years old and I’m from Manhattan, New York.”
“Where’s that?” asked Ron in a whisper.
Keighley surveyed the blank-looking students. “It’s in America,” she informed them. “Can’t you tell by my New York accent?”
“Oh, of course,” said Ron. Then he went back to kissing Hermione quite passionately, as they were in love.
“STOP LOOKING AT ME!” cried Harry angstily. “KEIGHLEY, I DON’T KNOW IF THEY HAVE MANNERS BACK IN NEW YORK, BUT IT’S RUDE TO STARE AT SOMEONE! WE ALL KNOW I DEFEAT VOLDEMORT EVERY WEEK ON FRIDAYS. YES, I HAVE A SCAR. PLEASE STOP STARING!”
“Oh, I’m so misunderstood!” cried Keighley, burying her face in her hands as she ran up to the Hogwarts castle.
“While we’re all here,” said Dumbledore loudly, “I would just like to announce one more thing. You all may have wondered why we don’t have a Head Girl or Boy. Well, I forgot to pick them. But that’s not the point “ my announcement is that our new Head Girl is Hermione Granger and our new Head Boy is Draco Malfoy!”
The Hogwarts students burst into applause. Hermione was standing still with a look of utter horror on her face and Draco, for some reason, was smirking uncontrollably.
“So Miss Granger and Mr. Malfoy can go pack up their belongings and move into our new Head dorms!” finished Dumbledore.
Ron was fuming. He walked up to Malfoy and punched him in the eye.
“Hey!” said Draco in a drawling voice. “I would punch you back, but I have a newfound personality and am suddenly sweet and caring. For this reason I will not retaliate.”
Ron looked dumbfounded, probably because he didn’t understand what ‘retaliate’ meant. “I see,” he said slowly, before going back to snogging Hermione.
“I REPEAT,” yelled Harry. “I DON’T LIKE IT WHEN YOU SNOG LIKE THAT IN PUBLIC! GOODNESS, DON’T YOU LISTEN TO “ “
Harry was cut off by Ginny kissing him.
~*~
Hermione stepped into her new Head dorm. It was large, with a spacious landing and a door on either side marked ‘Head Girl’ and ‘Head Boy’. She promptly dragged her trunk through the door marked ‘Head Girl’.
“Hey, Granger.”
Hermione turned around. Standing in her doorway was none other than Draco Malfoy, smirking and wearing deliciously tight leather pants.
“Hi,” she said coldly, turning back to her trunk.
“Come on, Granger,” he drawled. “Now that I have a newfound personality and am no longer a mean, insulting jerk, can’t I confess my true feelings without you turning away?”
Hermione turned around cautiously. “True feelings?”
“Yes,” said Draco, stepping in and enclosing her hands in his. “Hermione, I love you. I have been in love with you for years now.”
Hermione made no move to remove her hands from him. “I love you too, Draco… but what about Ron?” She gazed into the grey orbs that were Draco’s eyes.
“It’s okay,” said Draco, leaning in and grasping her silky blonde hair. “We’ll worry about that later.”
Draco leaned in further and kissed her. Hermione returned the kiss, melting into it so passionately.
And with that, Hermione realised that Draco was the boy she had danced with at the Masquerade Ball.
~*~
The next morning, the Gryffindors, Slytherins and Sparklypoos had Potions together. They were making Time-Turning Potions.
Hermione stirred the potion as she got more and more frustrated with Harry, Ron and Draco all staring at the Sparklypoo girls.
“Stop staring!” said, turning around quickly.
Suddenly, the room started to spin. Hermione realised that the Time-Turning Potion had sprayed all over her, Ron and Harry. The floor was falling out from underneath her; the picture in front of her eyes was spiralling…
Suddenly, she fell to the ground. Ron and Harry were beside her. Ron randomly sat up and kissed her passionately.
“WHERE ARE WE?” asked Harry loudly. “THIS IS MAKING ME ANGRY!”
“We’re back in time!” breathed Hermione, taking a short break from snogging Ron.
Harry saw something out of the corner of his eye. It was… his father!
~*~
“Hey, Evans!” James called out to a gorgeous, red-haired girl. “Will you go out with me?”
“Of course not,” she said coldly, turning around.
“Bad luck, James,” said Sirius, lifting his head to wink at a passing girl. She blushed and fainted. “Maybe, while you’re making your rounds as Head Boy and Girl tonight, you could make a move on her.”
“Maybe,” said James uncertainly. “Anyway, what about you?”
“Well, I dumped Annie yesterday because she was boring,” Sirius answered, brushing his elegant, straight black hair back. Another girl in the vicinity fainted. “So I’ll ask another one.”
With this, he stood up, sauntering around until he walked confidently up to one pretty girl.
“Hey, gorgeous,” he said suavely. He put a strong hand around her waist.
“Hi,” she said with a smile, struggling to stay on her feet while her knees buckled beneath her.
He leaned down and kissed her. All the girls surrounding him gasped.
Sirius finished the kiss, smiled, and walked away, leaving a trail of semi-conscious girls behind him.
~*~
“Lily?”
“What?”
James and Lily were making their Head rounds at night. James was nervous, but determined to make her like him.
“Your eyes… they’re really beautiful.”
“Really?” she asked.
“Yes,” James answered, nearing her. “Very beautiful… just like you.”
James pushed her gently up against the wall. “You can’t deny it any longer, can you?” he asked cockily.
“No,” Lily answered. “I can’t. I’m in love with you, James!”
James kissed her passionately. “I’ll always love you, Lily.”
Around the corner, Peter wet his pants with excitement.
I'll Just Go Throw Myself a Large Pity Party by just_the_contrary
“Lily?”
Lily looked up. She was lying on her bed, staring dreamily at the ceiling and thinking about the wonderful night she just spent with James Potter.
“Yes?”
“What are you thinking about?” asked Lily’s best friend Anna.
“James,” Lily said with a smile, turning over.
“Of course,” she said. “You know who else is really hot? Sirius Black.”
Lily ignored the fact that British people don’t use the word ‘hot’ and opened her eyes. “Yeah, I guess he’s okay.”
“And you know who else?” asked Lily’s other best friend, Krystal, said. “Remus Lupin.”
“He’s not my type,” said Lily.
“Let’s go visit them!” said Anna in a perky voice.
Anna, Krystal and Lily all went down to the common room where James, Sirius and Remus were sitting in overstuffed chairs by the fire. Remus had his nose buried in a book and had a large bar of Honeydukes chocolate sitting on the side table beside him.
“Hey, James,” Lily said, sitting in James’s lap.
James and Lily started snogging immediately while Anna and Krystal turned their attention to Sirius and Remus.
“Hey, sexy,” Sirius said to Anna, standing up. A few girls in the back of the common room fainted.
“Hey,” she said back.
“You don’t seem to be fainting because of my overwhelming good looks and sexiness!” cried Sirius. “What’s happening?”
“Nothing,” said Anna quietly. “Now shut up and kiss me.”
“Okay,” said Sirius, leaning in and kissing her.
Lily looked up and saw her best friend and her other best friend snogging Sirius and Remus respectively. She shrugged as if this was normal, as it happens in many fanfics, and continued kissing her boyfriend.
Peter looked around the corner, saw a large Fanged Frisbee flying at him, and promptly wet his pants.
~*~
“OKAY, ENOUGH!” cried Harry. “THESE ARE MY PARENTS KISSING, YOU REALISE. I AM VERY ANGRY AND ANNOYED WITH THIS AND YOU’D BETTER FIND A WAY TO GO BACK, HERMIONE, OR ELSE I’LL GET EVEN ANGRIER AND CURSE YOU!”
“Oh my!” said Hermione hurriedly, as even the thought of Harry becoming angrier was frightening.
“MY WEEKLY DUEL WITH VOLDEMORT IS SCHEDULED FOR NINE O’CLOCK TONIGHT AND I’D BETTER NOT MISS IT! YOU KNOW VOLDEMORT, HE’LL COME MURDER ME IN MY SLEEP! HE’S EVEN ANGSTIER THAN I AM!” Harry yelled.
Hermione pulled out the time-turner she always kept with her even though she supposedly gave it back in her third year and turned it around the appropriate number of times. Suddenly, Ron, Hermione and Harry were tumbling around, watching the castle spin before their eyes…
~*~
Harry sat with Ginny by the lake, watching the sun set over the lake. The giant squid poked his head out of the water and said hello before sinking down to the depths to commence his sleep for the night.
“Harry?” Ginny asked, looking up at him. Her head was resting on his lap, and she was lying down.
“YES?” he asked somewhat angstily.
“Don’t be so angsty with me,” she said gently. “I was thinking about the children we’re going to have in the future.”
“WELL,” said Harry, “I THINK WE SHOULD GIVE THEM ORIGINAL NAMES. YOU KNOW, SOMETHING SPECIAL. AND OF COURSE, WE’RE GOING TO HAVE A GIRL AND A BOY.”
“Yes,” Ginny agreed. “We should name them… Lily and James.”
“WOW, THAT IS SO ORIGINAL!” Harry said happily. “I THINK THAT’S PERFECT. WHEREVER DID YOU THINK OF THAT?”
“It just came to me,” said Ginny with a nonchalant shrug. “I know I’m smart. I’m also beautiful, popular and witty. Boy, are you lucky I forgot my twenty other boyfriends to be with you.”
Harry and Ginny snogged in the moonlight as the giant squid slept down at the bottom of the lake.
~*~
“Attention!” cried Dumbledore at breakfast in the Great Hall. “Everyone, I’d like to have your attention.”
The Great Hall quieted, the murmur of sleepy breakfast talking fading to a flat silence.
“As I seem to be full of announcements these past few weeks, I would like to make another one. First, Harry Potter has successfully defeated Voldemort in their two-hundred and twenty-fifth duel last night. Let’s all congratulate him!”
Clapping echoed through the Great Hall.
“Five hundred and fifty thousand points to Gryffindor,” said Dumbledore as a large shower of rubies fell into the bottom half of the Gryffindor points hourglass. Groans emerged from the Slytherin table. “My second announcement is that we will be having an inter-house dueling competition right now in honour of Harry’s milestone!”
Cheering erupted through the Great Hall. The tables were immediately cleared away, and the students stood together, watching the runway-like dueling stage with anticipation.
“First up is Potter and Malfoy!” cried Dumbledore.
“No!” screamed Malfoy. “I won’t! I cannot duel anymore. I have a newfound personality and am suddenly sweet and caring. For this reason I will not retaliate or curse Harry.”
“That sounds somewhat familiar,” said Ron thoughtfully.
“Well, we have to have a Gryffindor and a Slytherin duel because that’s the way it’s always done in canon,” reminded Dumbledore. “What should we do?”
“Hufflepuffs are too stupid to duel, anyway!” cried a daring Gryffindor.
“The speed of light is 186,000 miles per second!” interjected a bookish Ravenclaw.
The Sparklypoos took advantage of this flamboyant display of House stereotypes and, in typical Sparklypoo fashion, turned it into a cheer. They waved their pink pompoms and sang:
Ravenclaws are smart
Their noses always stuck in books.
They’re very anti-social,
They don’t care about their looks.
Gryffindors are big and brave,
Nothing stands in their way.
They’re reckless and conceited,
You tick them off, you’ll always pay.
Slytherins are horrible,
They’re dangerous and mean.
Just because they’re Death Eaters’ children,
They’re all on the same team.
Hufflepuffs are stupid,
They fail all their classes.
They’re loyal to everyone they love,
They’re all nice to the masses.
Sparklypoos are perfect
Always save the best for last!
We’re too intelligent for you
Our beauty cannot be bypassed!
Students here are separated
For these predetermined reasons.
They’re like spring, summer, winter and fall
They’re different like the seasons!
The Sparklypoos clapped and cheered once again. They raised their House banner, a large pink one with a white unicorn on the front, and flipped their beautiful hair around casually.
Hermione stomped off, leaving Ron, Harry and Draco drooling quite rudely.
~*~
“GIN?”
Harry and Ginny were sitting together in the Gryffindor common room, the hot fire crackling in front of them.
“Yes, Harry?” she asked sweetly, not bothering to tell Harry that no one calls her Gin in canon.
“WELL, GIN, WE CAN’T SEE EACH OTHER ANYMORE. SEE, ALTHOUGH I HAVE DEFEATED VOLDEMORT IN VARIOUS DUELS TWO HUNDRED AND TWENTY FIVE TIMES, I MUST DESTROY HIM ONCE AND FOR ALL.”
“Harry, are you sure?” she asked.
“YES, I AM. HEY, WHY AREN’T YOU ANGRY?” Harry said angstily. “I AM VERY ANGRY AND THEREFORE EVERYONE AROUND ME SHOULD BE TOO. GOODNESS, THE WHOLE WORLD IS JUST FALLING APART AND I HAVE TO SAVE IT. FIRST I HAVE TO KILL VOLDEMORT, AND THEN I HAVE TO SAVE THE WORLD TOO?”
“No, Harry, it’s okay,” Ginny said, trying to comfort the angry Harry.
“NO, IT’S NOT OKAY!” yelled Harry. “LEAVE ME ALONE SO I CAN GO OBLITERATE DUMBLEDORE’S BELONGINGS AND THROW MYSELF A LARGE PITY PARTY.”
“Okay, fine,” said Ginny angrily. “I have ten other guys on reserve, so I’ll just go date one of them. None of them will be as good as you, though. Bye!”
Ginny ran out of the common room, leaving Harry to throw various nearby objects at passing first-years. One nearly hit Hermione, who gasped.
“Oh, no, ‘Moine!” cried Ron, who had been snogging her. “Are you okay?”
“Yes, I’m fine,” she said, brushing off her robes. She looked quite frazzled. “Have you finished the Charms homework yet?”
“No, I’m too stupid to do any homework, remember?” asked Ron. “You do it all for me.”
“Ah, yes, of course,” Hermione remembered as she went back to kissing her one true love and boyfriend.
~*~
Hermione retreated to her Head Dorm later that night. She walked in innocently, and there was Draco “ wearing nothing but extremely tight leather pants, once again. He seemed to like them.
“Oh!” she squeaked in surprise. “I’m sorry.”
“No, it’s okay,” Draco said in a drawling voice. He continued to smirk. “My dad gave them to me. He has a matching pair, isn’t that cool?”
“Yes, very,” said Hermione. “They’re quite sexy.”
“I knew you’d think that,” said Draco arrogantly, but sweetly all the same. “Don’t they match my new nice personality?”
“Um, sure,” said Hermione.
“Hermione,” said Draco, stepping closer. “Now that we have confessed our undying love for each other, I have something to say.”
“What?” asked Hermione worriedly.
“My father is horrible to me. I hate him!” he cried, suddenly sobbing and grabbing onto Hermione. “I have had such a tortured childhood, he is so mean! He’s a Death Eater! He wants me to be a Death Eater too, but with my newfound personality I just can’t bring myself to be one. Oh, woe is me!”
“There, there,” Hermione comforted, patting him gently on the back albeit her being quite alarmed. “It’s okay, I’m sure we can sort this out with him.”
“We?” asked Draco, lifting his head. The grey orbs that were his eyes were filled with tears. “Hermione, will you be my wife?”
“Oh, of course, Draco!” Hermione screamed, completely forgetting about Ron and jumping on Draco excitedly. “I love you!”
I Came, I Saw, I Dissolved Into a Fit of Laughter by just_the_contrary
“Draco, have I ever told you how much I love you?”
Draco gazed wistfully out at the beautiful scenery the Hogwarts grounds provided him. “Yes, you have.”
“Oh, of course,” Hermione replied. “My scholastic skills are not currently up to par as I am distracted by your all-consuming good looks and charm.”
“Many girls are,” said Draco arrogantly but sweetly all the same.
“I just have one problem,” Hermione said, looking up at him.
“What?” he asked.
“I have another boyfriend. Ron Weasley. I have just now realised he is my one and only true love and I cannot marry you.”
“No!” Draco cried, standing and hiking up his leather pants. “If I was not so sweet and non-jerk-like, I would go hex Ron into oblivion.”
“But you are extremely sweet and nice,” reminded Hermione, flipping her shiny blonde hair around and batting her long eyelashes.
“Yes,” said Draco. “But how could you do this to me? Now I am alone to face my horrible Death Eater father!”
“It’s okay,” consoled Hermione. “I’m sure you’ll be absolutely fine.”
“No!” cried Draco. “It’s horrible! You don’t understand! Now I will be forced to become a Death Eater just like him. Oh, the pain! Oh, I can’t stand it! Woe is me!”
~*~
“RON!”
Ron jolted awake, knocking his head on a light fixture above him.
“What?” he asked groggily, rubbing his head.
“RON, YOU WERE SLEEPING. HOW COULD YOU SLEEP AT A TIME LIKE THIS?” Harry demanded angstily.
“A time like what?” asked Ron slowly, trying to register what day it was.
“TODAY IS MY LAST EVER DUEL WITH VOLDEMORT!” cried Harry. “HE SCHEDULED IT FOR TEN O’CLOCK AT NIGHT EVEN THOUGH I SPECIFICALLY ASKED HIS SECRETARY FOR THE ELEVEN A.M. SLOT! OH, I AM SO ANGRY!”
Harry kicked a large standing lamp and fumed as it crashed into an unsuspecting first-year.
“I’m sure you’ll win,” said Ron with a nonchalant shrug.
“JUST BECAUSE I’VE WON THE LAST TWO HUNDRED AND TWENTY FIVE TIMES, IT DOESN’T MEAN I’LL WIN THIS ONE!” yelled Harry, his ears smoking. “I AM VERY STRESSED AND ANGSTY RIGHT NOW, SO DON’T PUSH MY BUTTONS!”
“Fine,” said Ron, turning away. “I’m too stupid to help you anyway.”
Just then, Hermione came bursting through the common room door.
“Ron!” she cried, running towards him. “I came to confess my unconditional love for you!”
“Oh good,” said Ron, smiling. “I was just about to do that.”
Harry grumbled angrily as his two friends started kissing.
~*~
The Hogwarts grounds were black as night (probably because it was night). The clouds were heavy, their grey forms moving rapidly across the unreachable sky. Harry stood, wand clenched tightly in his hand, in the middle of the dark, grassy fields. The giant squid stayed up to watch the impending fight.
“Harry,” sneered a voice. “The time has come.”
Harry spun around to see Voldemort standing a few feet away. “VOLDEMORT.”
“Yes, it is I,” he replied, his snake-like face becoming even more snake-like. “But soon, you will be no more.”
Harry breathed heavily. He knew what was coming.
“AVADA KEDAVRA!”
Harry moved quickly, the spell missing him by an inch. Voldemort fumed.
“Just you wait “ “ Voldemort started, but his eye caught something else.
The Sparklypoos were skipping towards them, their large white-and-pink banner in their hands. Matching pompoms waving in the air, they sang:
Sixteen years ago
Voldie gave Harry his scar.
They still carry grudges
So duelling on the grounds they are.
Can’t they see it’s silly
To keep fighting all the time?
Do they really need persuasion?
Do they really need this rhyme?
Since all of us are perfect
And we can’t stand to see them duel,
We simply had to interfere
For the safety of the school.
Can’t you two just get along
Like two lifelong friends?
To you really have to make the other
Reach the ultimate end?
The Sparklypoos waited with bated breath.
“Oh, my goodness!” Voldemort cried, throwing his wand in the air. “How could I do this? How could I kill so many people? I am a horrible person. I did all these terrible things just because I was so angsty!”
“I’VE BEEN MUCH TOO PREOCCUPIED WITH VOLDEMORT,” realised Harry. “MAYBE IT CONTRIBUTED TO MY OVERWHELMING ANGSTINESS.”
“See?” asked a blonde, perfect Sparklypoo. “You just need to stop being so angsty. Maybe you two could become friends!” she added ebulliently.
“Harry, will you forgive me for all the killing that I’ve done and be my friend?” asked Voldemort.
“Sure,” answered Harry, letting go of his anger. He realised this is the first time he’d stopped talking in caps lock since he turned thirteen. “Let’s be friends!”
“Harry?”
Harry turned.
“Ginny?”
She ran towards him and hugged him.
“I’ve decided to forgive you,” she said with a smile. “I love you so much, and you were probably under a large amount of stress.”
“Well…” said Harry, unsure of what to do.
“I’ll make you sausages,” offered Ginny with a twinkle in her eye.
“Well, that’s an offer I can’t refuse!” cried Harry happily, picking Ginny up. “I love you!”
They kissed in the moonlight, leaving Voldemort and the Sparklypoos sobbing with happiness.
~*~
Harry, Ron and Hermione sat down in a compartment in the Hogwarts Express.
“I can’t believe we’re done school forever,” said Hermione, gazing out the window.
“I know,” said Harry absently.
“Well, at least we’ll all see each other in the fall when we all go to Auror Training School in the United States,” said Hermione optimistically.
“Yes, that’s right,” said Ron. “It seems rather coincidental that we all got in. Especially me, with my extreme stupidity.”
“True, especially since I never exhibited much interest in becoming an Auror. In fact, my worst mark on my O.W.L's was Defence Against the Dark Arts,” said Hermione. “But I’m looking forward to meeting all the Americans.”
“Yes, and all the ones that write fanfics and insert Americanisms,” said Harry.
Hermione and Ron randomly started kissing, and Harry glanced out the window.
Hogwarts was getting smaller and smaller as the train pulled away. He was sad knowing that he would never be back again, but happy knowing how much the school had given to him.
A/N: Sorry that this chapter was so short and not quite as filled with clichés as the others, but the next chapter will be longer. The next chapter will also be the last as there are not many more clichés to mock. Thank you everyone for reading!
Bring Me to Life by just_the_contrary
Everything was different in the concrete jungle.
Buildings loomed above pedestrians, some over eighty stories high. The blistering heat provided no escape for the people walking on the immensely wide sidewalks. Dogs scampered around, attached by the designer leash to their owners. They were indubitably searching for Central Park as there was not a blade of grass anywhere else.
“So this is New York,” Harry mused, looking around at the busy streets.
“Yes,” said Hermione, glancing up from a large tourist’s map and flipping her long blonde hair around.
“Wait “ who is that?” Ron gasped, pointing up the street at a tall man wearing a huge black coat.
“No!” exclaimed Harry. “It couldn’t be!”
“It’s Sirius!” cried Hermione.
The Golden Trio ran up to him.
“I’ve come to help you defeat Voldemort!” Sirius cried as soon as he saw them. “I have come back from the dead by mysterious and unknown means. But the point is, I’m alive for some reason and I want to help you defeat Voldemort and preferably Bellatrix too.”
“That’s too bad,” said Harry genuinely. “Voldemort and I are good friends now. We made up during The Last Battle and we are no longer angsty. Did you notice? In fact, he and I had tea several times over the summer.”
Sirius gasped. “No!”
“Yes, actually,” said Hermione, smiling and batting her thick eyelashes. “Also, Ron and I got married as we are passionately and deeply in love. Isn’t that totally cool and radical?”
“Fo shizzle,” answered Sirius, joining Hermione in talking in words only Americans would use.
“I thought you would love that I am no longer incredibly angsty. I am now just a regular, irritable kid who happens to have defeated an evil genius two hundred and fifty times.” Harry said.
“I understand,” said Sirius.
The Trio and Resurrected!Sirius then took the subway to Auror Training School, a large building where they would spend the next three years becoming Aurors.
“Wait “ who is that?” Ron gasped.
“Didn’t you already say that recently?” asked Harry confusedly.
“Yes, I did, but I am so stupid that I can only remember a few phrases. For this reason the author is forced to write me incredibly repetitive lines.” Ron scratched his head. “Now, where was I? Oh, yes. Wait “ who is that?”
“It’s… Dumbledore!” cried Hermione.
“It couldn’t be!” exclaimed Harry.
“It is!” said Sirius amazedly.
Dumbledore walked over to them. “Hello, my dear friends. Nitwit! Oddment! Blubber! Tweak!”
“Are you feeling all right, Professor?” Harry asked. “I was under the impression that you were dead. In fact, I happened to see you die.”
“Oh yes, I am perfectly fine,” Dumbledore reassured him. “I just got tired of being dead, that’s all. You know I have borderless powers. I can do absolutely anything I want. Anyway, Sirius, I thought you were dead too. What happened?”
“By some mysterious and unknown force I am alive today,” said Sirius casually. He ran his fingers through his hair. A nearby girl fainted. He grinned as he realized he still had his ability to make girls faint from his dizzying hotness.
“I see,” Dumbledore said, gazing out into space. “You know, I can actually see space. I also adore Pygmy Puffs and Muggle candies. I am also quite old.” With that, he Apparated out of sight.
“Wait “ who is that?” Ron gasped.
“It’s Snape!” cried Hermione.
He was suddenly quite attractive. His hair was still greasy, of course, but for some reason he looked less like canon Snape and more like Alan Rickman.
“Hello,” he said in a deep voice.
“Hello,” said Hermione flirtatiously. “What are you doing here?”
“Well, since Voldemort is no longer incredibly angsty, I have decided to become an Auror. This is all thanks to you, Potter!” Snape threw a nearby book at Harry, who dodged it.
“Calm down, Professor,” said Harry, pushing his glasses up his nose. “I am no longer angsty either. I think it’s time we make up and be friends. Since I am now mates with Voldemort, I see no reason why you and I can’t form an everlasting bond.”
“No, we can’t!” said OOC!Snape, exasperated. “I must remain your enemy so Hermione and I can have a secret relationship and not tell anyone for fear of hatred and ridicule from you.”
“Oh, of course,” said Harry, backing away. “I forgot about that.”
“And I thought I was the only stupid one here!” snorted Ron, surfacing from kissing Hermione.
“RON! YOU TAKE THAT BACK!” cried Harry, spinning around with his wand pointed at Ron.
Ron let out a terrified shriek so high-pitched that even Snape looked at him strangely.
“Harry, no!” cried Hermione. “Remember, you are no longer angsty!”
Harry sighed and pocketed his wand. “I know. But sometimes it’s so hard, you know?”
“I know,” comforted Hermione. “But if Draco could adopt a new sweet, caring personality then you can too. Let’s call it your new, non-angsty personality.”
“Okay,” agreed Harry.
“Well, then,” said Hermione happily. “Let’s “”
Hermione was interrupted by a stampede of perfect girls rushing into the school. Each one was wearing pink and white sweaters with unicorns on them. Matching pom-poms flew everywhere, most landing on Snape’s head. They carried a banner and wore high white go-go boots.
“Again?” said Ron.
They sang:
We are perfect, yes we are,
Please don’t be mistaken.
Our colours are baby pink and white
With which we are clearly taken.
We are not from Hogwarts
Or Beauxbatons, you see.
We are all American,
We live in NYC.
We represent the population
Of pretty Mary-Sues,
Who make up your fair unicorn house
You Brits call Sparklypoo.
They have looks and they have brains,
But no real writing skills,
We’re all their ghost writers
For their cheers to pay the bills!
We are the real Mary-Sues
The cliché you know you love,
There’s a reason people write us.
We’ve got everything that you think of!
“Was there any point in that?” asked Harry.
“No,” said Hermione. “There are merely pretty, popular, amazing dancers, incredibly smart, kind and caring. They just like to showcase their skills and I think the author likes writing these songs. They are rather boring, actually. That’s why Mary-Sues are highly discouraged.”
Ron stared at her with a mix of confusion and awe.
~*~
“Hermione.”
She could recognize that voice anywhere, the one so deep it seemed to have its own subwoofer.
“Yes, Severus?” Hermione looked up from a pile of work she was vigilantly doing.
“It seems I have harvested a secret love for you,” Snape said, sitting down beside her. “Is that okay?”
“Okay? It’s wonderful, Severus! I am also in love with you!” She threw her arms around him. “In my eyes you have made an astounding transformation and are suddenly quite attractive.”
“The very same for you,” replied Snape. “Your blonde hair is practically blinding my eyes. I do not want to be blinded, however, because then I would not be able to look at your beautiful brown eyes.”
Hermione swooned at the newly romantic Snape. “What about Ron? What about all my friends? Now that I am beautiful am popular I have many friends, you know.”
“Do not worry, fair maiden,” said Snape. “We shall keep it a secret. Wouldn’t that be exciting?”
“Oh, very,” said Hermione as Snape leaned down to kiss her.
Just as he pulled back, the door banged open.
“Blimey!” cried Ron. “Bloody hell! What do you think you’re doing?”
“I am terribly sorry,” said Snape. “You see, we were planning to keep this a secret.”
“Oh, that explains it then,” said Ron happily.
“Severus, thank you very much and I appreciate everything, but it seems after seeing Ron right this second that I realize I truly love him,” Hermione said, standing up. “Will you ever forgive me?”
“It seems that I am now a pretty forgiving guy,” said Snape casually.
“Oh, thank you!” cried Hermione, throwing her arms around Ron and kissing him passionately.
~*~
“I can’t believe we’re graduating,” said Harry at the last person in their graduating class received their diploma.
“I know. I can’t believe I did it because of my extreme stupidity,” stated Ron.
“I did all your work,” reminded Hermione.
“True, true,” Ron said, smiling.
Harry looked at the audience. He saw Ginny sitting in the second row, clapping and smiling. He waved. He looked around and saw Voldemort in the back, obviously angry he didn’t get a good seat. Harry waved and Voldemort waved back, smiling supportively. Sirius and Dumbledore were there too, both of them in the front row, clapping loudly. Dumbledore had a tremendously large pile of candy wrappers beside him.
“Well, this is the end,” Harry said, a tear falling from his left eye. He wiped it away.
“Yes,” Hermione said, leaning over to kiss Ron. He kissed her back.
“Congratulations to our new Aurors!” cried the Headmaster of the school.
They threw their caps in the air.
THE END
A/N: *wipes tear away just like Harry* It’s over! What a ridiculous and cliché-filled ride. Thank you all for seeing me along and reviewing my story. I hope you laughed, I sincerely hope you didn’t cry, and if anyone in your house thinks you’re insane from laughing so hard, I’m dreadfully sorry. For a full refund, contact me via my author’s page.
Friendly Warning:If you have read anything you are thinking about writing in this story, it is a cliché and it is probably in your best interest not to write it. This is an anti-example to fanfic writers everywhere. Thank you and use your discretion writing clichés. I certainly have not.
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.