Part One:
Harry:

Good gracious, mercy me, alas

Is my birthday here at last?

It must be true, for here’s my card

From Ginny, who’s a modern bard.

"Oh Harry dear," she writes with glee

"I’ve simply fallen hard for thee

"Hurry, honey, do not lag

"Come o’er here so we can shag."

(VERNON pounds on the door)

Harry:

God no, it’s the big fat ass

Who’s never going to let me pass

(VERNON opens the door and glowers at Harry)

Vernon:

Get on up, you tub of poo

Your stupid friends are here for you

Already one has made some gum

Shoot out of dear old Dudley’s bum…

Harry:

Is that what’s really bugging you?

(VERNON turns puce-y)

Vernon:

…of course he had to eat it too

Hermione:

Harry, Harry, are you there?

Don’t give us a frightful scare!

Vernon:

Of course he’s here, you useless whore!

(DRACO pops out of no where)

Draco:

Weasley’s family is dirt poor!

(pops out)

Ron:

Hey, that was uncalled for, git!

Harry:

Lets just go…

Vernon:

…get on with it!

Hermione:

I’m glad you’re here now, Harry Potter

Ronald’s being quite the rotter

I’ve almost pushed him in a bush

Because he tried to pinch my tush!

Harry:

Too much info, Hermy dear

And Ron, stop staring at her rear!

Ron:

But its not too thin and not too fat!

(HARRY stares as well)

Harry:

I cant blame you for groping that!

Vernon:

Find a room, you horny three!

And get the hell away from me!

In fact, go live out by the fen

And never come back here again!

Dumbledore’s Voice:

Mind my last, Petunia dear

Vernon:

I’M NOT MY WIFE, YOU WRINKLED QUEER!

You friggen kids, you make me ill

Leave before I start to kill!

(The Golden Trio run out the door, and see DUDLEY playing on the grass. He waves at HERMIONE)

Dudley:

Thanks for the chew, you sexy felon

Now, was it grape or watermelon?

Hermione:

The former, fatso, juicy grape

Harry:

Hermione, isn’t that man Snape?

Hermione:

That is the man, I do so fear

Ron:

What the hell’s he doing here?

Snape:

I am Snape, the potion’s master

Bringing you to safety faster

Your happy lives are now in danger

And by the way, nice bottom Granger

Ron:

Ew, stop that little nasty moan!

That booty’s mine, and mine alone!

Hermione:

Sod off, you wanking tongue depressor

Harry:

What’s the problem now, Professor?

Snape:

I’m taking you to Grimmauld Place

Where isolation you will face

We can’t afford to let you out

For fear you’d die, without a doubt

You three, you’re finally out of luck

The Half-Blood Prince has run amok

Hermione:

I’ve read the whole damn library

But I’ve never heard a word of he

Is he mean or is he nice?

Snape:

He’s just a stupid plot device

Harry:

So why is he a sudden urk?

I bet I could beat up that jerk!

What makes this boob a fearsome prick?

Snape:

He carries one big giant stick

Ron:

NOT A STICK! That’s really bad

My gramp just saw one, and went mad!

Hermione:

That seem so awful, every bit

Though I’ve never heard of it

We’ve got to get you off the street

Before this Prince hits you a beat!

O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O

Will Harry be alright?

Will he get into a fight?

Why am I still rhyming this?

Do you find these words amiss?

Part Two

Harry:

Am I at a weirdo rally?

No, I’m in Diagon Alley!

With my friend, the faithful Ron

Who’s so steadfast….

(DRACO pops out of no where)

Draco:

….but still a swan

Ron:

Hey that was uncalled for, git!

Draco:

You just said that, you little twit!

Gosh darn, Weasley, you are dumb!

Your brain’s the size of my left thumb!

Hermione:

Where’s your parents, girly-boy?

Draco:

Why don’t you stop being coy?

I know you want me, bootylicious

I’ll let you know, I’ll be quite vicious

I can’t have mudbloods loving me

If I did that, where would I be?

(DRACO leaves)

Harry:

C’mon Ron, Lets go inside

And find ourselves some brooms to ride

Ron:

Hermy doesn’t like that, ninny

Hermione:

That’s okay, I’ll go find Ginny

(She runs off, only to be detained by DRACO)

Draco:

Hush now, mudblood, make no noise

Don’t alert your little boys

Though you’re a bint, I have to say

I think you’re sexy anyway

Hermione:

May I have some of what you’re on?

Cause right now you sound just like Ron

Draco:

Don’t say I’m like Weasel-King!

Hermione:

Are you scared of that one thing?

Draco:

I’m not scared you stupid whore

Being scared is such a bore

I’d rather be, say, petrified

But I’m not, I even tried

Hermione:

Stop being such a little jerk

Just let me go so I can work

Draco:

Working’s such a horrid task

So while you’re here, I’d like to ask

Do you like to hear sweet rhyme?

If so, than you should hearken mine

Hermione:

Do I really have a choice?

Draco:

See? I knew that you’d rejoice!

(He pulled a crumpled sheet of parchment from out of his robes, and begins to read)

Draco:

"Oh Mudblood fair, oh Mudblood fair

"I wish to stroke your bouffy hair

"And lick your lips, so soft and pink

"Gaze in your eyes of brown, I think

"Your arse is fairer than J.Lo’s

"I wish to see you without clothes

"I dream of making love to you

"Signed your dearest Drakey-poo"

Hermione:

Boy, I think you’re out of luck

Cause frankly Malfoy, you do suck!

(DRACO gets mad, and pushes her away.)

Draco:

I’m soon to be your worstest fear

Because we are both Heads this year!

Hermione:

Stupid freaking fanfic writer

When I see her, I will bite her

He’s so stupid, in the books

He’d only be Head on his looks!

(She meets up with GINNY)

Ginny:

Was that Malfoy you were with?

Hermione:

Don’t tell Ron, he’d have a tiff

Yes, that was Malfoy, head of bone

I wish he would leave me alone!

Ginny:

Really, Hermy, you’re quite blind

He’s super sexy, though not kind

Hermione:

Though he has become quite hot

Willy Shakespeare he is not

He composed gross poetry

Bout how he wants some sex, with me!

Ginny:

Hermione, you lucky girl!

Why not go give him a whirl?

We’d all kill for his attention

Yet you don’t give him a mention!

Hermione:

Should I do it, Ginny dear?

Ginny:

Course yes, silly, don’t you fear

Hes had many girls, I bet

And he’s never harmed one…..yet

Part Three:

Harry:

Now we’re on the Hogwarts train

Ron is still being a pain

Because dear Hermy’s left the room

That is what increased his gloom

(GINNY whispers to HARRY)

Ginny:

We need to make dear Ron get out

Harry:

Quiet Ginny, do not shout

Ginny:

I wasn’t shouting, little prick

But now we need to really trick

Ron’s not leaving by himself….

(She points out the window)

Ginny:

Isn’t that a squished house elf?

(Ron looks, while GINNY and HARRY run out the door)

Ron:

No it’s not, now don’t you fear

Hey, why did you all leave me here?

(cut to Hermione and Draco [why is my damn capslock not working?]

Hermione:

Malfoy, you’re a stupid sob

But now we have to do our job

As Heads, we must arrange and work

Now call the Prefects, little jerk

Draco:

I feel so loved, my Mudblood cow

Come over here and snog me now

Hermione:

You need some work with your romance.

Think with your head, and not your pants

Get off your butt, you lazy fart

Call them here so we can start

(Draco screams for the prefects)

Draco:

HURRY PREFECTS COME THIS WAY!

POTTER’S TELLING US HE’S GAY!

(all the prefects run down the hall, and into the compartment)

Draco:

Hahaha, I fooled you all!

Potter’s snogging down the hall.

With the Weasley girl, no less

Groping up her flimsy dress

Ron:

THAT’S NOT TRUE, YOU LOUSY LOUT!

Hermione:

Shut up, or we’ll kick you out!

Ron:

Fine, I know when I’m not wanted!

I’ll go off to a place less haunted.

Sod off Malfoy, you’re so dumb

HEY STOP GROPING HERMY’S BUM!

(The Prefects throw Ron out off the compartment)

Draco:

Now that the Weasels gone, the jerk

We’d best be getting back to work

We have a ball to plan right here

Hermione:

But, we did not have one last year

Why this sudden change in weather?

Draco:

They’re hoping we will get together

Your will tame that bushy mess

Also, you can wear a dress

That shows off cleavage all around

Hermione:

Hearken, do I hear a sound?

No, it’s just the drafty hall

(Prefects laugh)

Draco:

She acts like I’m not here at all

I feel hurt, oh woe am I

I should become a sappy guy

Now, so Granger will not tease

Or kick my shins, and scrape my knees

I hope that none can hear my aims

Or I’ll hex the Prefects (who have no names)

Prefect One:

Malfoy, are you quite alright?

Draco:

Yes, I am, just shut it tight

Hermione:

Can’t you just be nice to all?

Draco:

Of course, my little Mudblood doll

I can be nice, you wait and see

Pretty soon, I’ll flirt with thee

And be a charming little fay

I don’t know why, but that’s okay

(Train stops, and everyone gets out. No one notices th Half-Blood Prince lurking in the shadows)

HBP:

Here I am, the Half-Blood Prince

I’ll soon turn Potter into mince

I’m a sneaky little flea

And fandom’s guessing who I be

There are some things that are debated

Like if my title’s hyphenated

But who cares, just ask the author

I’M HERE TO MURDER HARRY POTTER!!!