Rita Skeeter, snazzy, well dressed and finely groomed ace reporter involved with alerting the world of the return of you-know-who interviews panel of Hogwarts students and staff.

Rita: Ok everyone! Welcome to this discussion, hosted and moderated by myself. Know that a special silencing charm has been placed in the premises so that speaking out of turn is impossible. I shall interview one person at a time and ask important and intriguing questions. I have exactly 7 minutes, so, let us begin. First questions are for Harry potter.

Harry: yes?

Rita: Mr. Potter, exactly what prompted you to become friends with un-wealthy Ronald Weasley and brainy Hermione Granger?

Harry: Well, Ron-

Rita: And how long have you and Hermione been going steady?

Harry: I- what? We are not-

Rita: And when were you planning on telling her about your secret relationship with Ronald? Quickly boy!
Harry: I- Where did you hear-?

Rita: Aha! A confession! Thank you Mr. Potter, Silencio. Alright, well that sure was shocking! Next, if you please, I’ll ask Minerva McGonagall a few questions. So, Minerva, How long have you been wearing that same outfit?

Minerva: I beg your pardon?

Rita: Whoa, down girl. I’ll be asking the questions here Ms. M. So, is that your real hair color?

Minerva: Why, as a matter of fact it is! And I presume that your wig has always been that color, am I wrong?

Rita: I said I will ask the questions, Madame… Now, tell us about your strong friendship with Dolores Jane Umbridge.
Minerva: Tosh! I would no sooner befriend her than I would you!

Rita: Alright cat woman, that’s it! Let’s go!

Minerva: You want some of this??

Rita: Silencio! Ahem—

Now, (grumble) perhaps a chat with groundskeeper and care of magical creatures professor, Rubeus Hagrid. Rubeus, doing well?

Rubeus: Well, I’m jus’-

Rita: Wonderful! So, why couldn’t it have been follow the butterflies?

Rubeus: Well, you see, Mothra was busy. Something about visiting Japan…

Rita:Is that so? My, my, my. Well, do tell Aragog that our hearts—and worst nightmares, are with him.

Rubeus: Will do.

Rita: I’m sure you will. Silencio. Now then, I welcome Ronald Weasley.

Ron: Uh-hello.

Rita: Ronald, is it true that you are a very gifted seer?

Ron: Er, not really.

Rita: But isn’t it true that you’ve predicted pain in your immediate future?

Ron: There’s a better chance of this interview causing me pain.

Rita: (Punches Ron) Wow, boy you’re good. Silencio. Now, a treat ladies and gentlemen, professor Severus Snape.

Snape: Charmed.

Rita: I’m sure. Now Severus, isn’t it true that you have a personal vendetta against Gryffindor students?

Snape: Why, no.

Rita: No?

Snape: yes, no.

Rita: Really. Well, if you’ll excuse me.
(Grabs glass of water and tosses it in Snape’s face.)

Snape: Wha-!!??

Rita: Why Snape, you greedy boy! Drank all of my veritaserum!

Snape: What?

Rita: Snape, did you really hear what I said?

Snape: Yes.

Rita: Lovely. So, again I ask you: Personal vendetta?

Snape: I happen to despise Gryffindor house and most openly, Harry potter.

Rita: I see. So, inquiring minds want to know: Boxers or briefs?

Snape: Bikini’s.

Rita: (Silence)

Snape: Green one’s.

Rita: Severus, is it true that you are heartthrob “Emilio Wyres?” and that you take a potion to make your appearance such?

Snape: No.

Rita: No??

Snape: No. I am really songstress, ‘Bridget Nute.”

Rita: Unanticipated. It’s been a pleasure.

Snape: Not for me.

Rita: Silencio. Ahem—Next in line will be ex Auror, Alastor Moody.

Moody: Thank you.

Rita: Moody, is it true that you are afraid of potpourri?

Moody: Why?? Do you see some? I must warn you I will attack…

Rita: No need. Please sit down or I shall offer you a drink. Now, a question that haunts most of us in our sleep: Does that magic eye of yours see through clothing?

Moody: Uh, no comment.

Rita: Silencio! Take him away from me! (Mumbles furiously)
Next for this lovely interview will be Hermione Granger.

Hermione: Rita.

Rita: So, my dear friend. I… Tell me, do you… uh…

Hermione: What’s the matter, Rita? Afraid you’ll insult me?

Rita: Excuse me? I most certainly am not!

Hermione: Well, I must say you’re not much of an interviewer.

Rita: I… Is it true that you’ve been secretly seeing famous Bulgarian seeker Victor Krum?

Hermione: What if I have? That’s none of your business, and it must really, “bug” you to know as much!

Rita: Why you little… Silencio! Ladies and gentlemen, next is none other than Professor Albus Dumbledore. Albus, darling, how are you?

Albus: I am well Rita, as I’m sure you aren’t very concerned.
Rita: Why thank you Albus, it is a new Hairstyle! Now, is it true that you keep a living hat captive in your office, unfed and unloved?

Albus: No it is not. On the contrary, the sorting hat to which you refer often keeps me captive in my office. Also, he is regularly fed goat cheese and meets regularly with a professional songwriter/lyricist.

Rita: I- I see… Well, I… Have no further inquiries, thank you. Silencio. Next up is a miss Luna Lovegood. Luna, it’s been… too long…

Luna: Oh yes, I agree.

Rita: Yes, well, is it true that Blondes have all the fun?

Luna: How should I know…?

Rita: (Laughs) Knew you’d say as much!

Luna: I mean, I am neither brunette nor a red head, so, I would not have experienced happiness in any extent under conditions such as hair color’s direct influence on one’s state of bliss.

Rita: I- I see.

Luna: I see Thestrals.

Rita: (Stares, unblinking.)

Is it true that you’re “Looney?”

Luna: What people think doesn’t offend me, what one knows is of the importance.

Rita: Thank you, ‘Dear Luna.” Silencio. Now for a more cooperative interviewee, Draco Malfoy.

Draco: ‘Sup?

Rita: Nada Mucho. So, Draco, is it true that Hermione socked you in the face in your third year?

Draco: That’s a downright lie!

Rita: What if I said that we have recorded footage of the event? Roll tape! Yes, see, that is you, I presume? Wow, she really got you good! From the left, to the back. From the left and to the back…

Draco: Stop!

Rita: Oh, touched a nerve I see. Well, is it true that you dislike Harry potter?

Draco: Potty Boy? Of course! I’m not one of those fools who believes that Potty is a superhero.

Rita: So you hate him?

Draco: Yes.

Rita: Despise him??

Draco: yes!

Rita: smarter??

Draco: Yes!!

Rita: Stronger??

Draco: Yes!!

Rita: jealous???

Draco: yes!!!

Rita: That will be all.

Draco: What? I…

Rita: Silencio. My, that was shocking! If you please, Professor Trelawney.

Sybil: Yes, of course I perceived our meeting in a notice of the beyond!

Rita: yes… We like to call it, ‘Owl post.” Anyways, is it true that you’re vision is that of a blind biscuit?

Sybil: I beg your pardon?

Rita: Why, surely you knew that I would ask this question. You seem positively startled! Does this mean you’ll be dusting off those crystal balls of yours?

Sybil: My balls are in perfect order if you must know!

Rita: (Silence)

Sybil: (Sniff) And for you, Madame, I predict horrible things! A broken wrist! All your quills broken! NO INK!

Rita: STOP! Silencio! My Goddess! What an old fraud!
(Quill suddenly breaks)
--
Haha. (Pulls out a new quill)
Alright, last but not least we have a surprise guest of whose identity even I do not know! Let’s see who it is!

Grawp: Grrrrr! Where Hagger!?

Rita: (--)
Ladies and gentlemen, this is renowned and celebrated journalist Rita Skeeter signing off as we are all out of time. Hope you enjoyed this interviewing period.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The End
~LO