Harry Potter, the Half-Blood Prince and Mary-Sue
by Valentinia


Prologue: Meeting Mary-Sue

"We won!" yelled Ron, bounding into sight and brandishing the silver Cup at Harry. "We won! Four hundred and fifty to a hundred and forty! We won!"

Harry looked around; there was Ginny snogging Dean. When had they gotten back together? Harry wondered dully, as the beast in his chest roared. His insides felt like it was trying to claw itself out.

But suddenly, the beast quieted.

'Hey!' thought Harry, 'that's not right! Ginny's back with Dean! I should be insanely jealous!'

'No, you prat. Look behind you!' the beast seemed to say. Or was that his stomach growling?

Just to be safe he turned around (the buffet was over there, anyway). He saw Ron, stuffing his face as usual... And then there she was! His hunger (and Ginny) forgotten, Harry's eyes roamed over the dark, exotic beauty.

Meanwhile, Maria Susana López, an exchange student from a very prestigious but laid-back Caribbean school, was whispering with Lavender and Parvati, who had become her best friends in the past two days since her arrival. Now she felt she could trust them with anything.

That's why they were whispering about Harry, right then.

"Go on, Mary-Sue! He's looking right at you! And he looks like he could ravish you right here!"

"Are you sure?" the beautiful, talented, athletic, all around perfect girl asked in a most sexy Spanish accent, "I don't think I'm the prettiest girl, here. Maybe he is looking at you, Parvati?" she added.

"You think so?" Parvati asked hopefully. After all, Harry Potter, with his heroic sex-appeal was the dream guy of most of Hogwarts's female population.

Lavender elbowed her unceremoniously in the ribs, as tears shot into Mary-Sue's eyes at the thought of Harry really looking at another girl.

"He's Mary-Sue's! You (even though you used to be the prettiest girl in our year) don't stand a chance against such a modest, kind, loving, not to mention beautiful girl!"

"You're right!" Parvati admitted, "I'm sorry, Mary-Sue. What I meant was, of course he's looking at you. After all, you are gorgeous!"

Being the forgiving person she was, Mary-Sue graciously accepted Parvati's apology with a watery, but radiant smile.

"Go talk to him!" Lavender urged, "Ron and I got together at a party like this!"

"But what would I say?" Mary-Sue asked, her brow furrowing slightly, with the most adorable little wrinkle. She looked so distressed that Parvati and Lavender instantly started giving their innocent, yet oddly experienced friend words of comfort.

"Just talk about Quidditch! Boys love Quidditch, and so do you. Tell him you're going to try out for the team!"

"Try to be sexy and girly, guys think that's hot!"

"Thank you very much for your kind suggestions, girls," Mary-Sue said, feeling all warm and fuzzy inside because she had such great friends. Mary-Sue, even though she had everything, was easily made happy with little things like friendship or true love (a.k.a. Harry).

"But," she added, "I think I know what I will do. I'll use my natural legilimency skills to look into his mind. Then I'll know what he's thinking about and I'll be able to talk to him about it!"

"That's brilliant, Mary-Sue! Then you can conjure up whatever he wishes for from thin air using your wandless magic abilities!" squealed Lavender.

"Or you could just turn into your animagus, or send your corporeal patronus to get it!" added Parvati.

So Mary-Sue hopped into Harry's head, careful not to hurt him. Even though Snape's or even Voldemort's presence had always been felt, Mary-Sue was much better than either of them, and so Harry noticed nothing.

But when Mary-Sue looked around in his head, she was sure she had made a mistake. Removing her mind from his, she turned to her best friends who were waiting anxiously for her to say something.

"I must have gone wrong. I think I was seeing into my head. The only thing being thought about was me!"

"No, silly!" giggled Parvati and Lavender, "All that means is that he is thinking about nothing but you!"

"How romantic," sighed Parvati.

"Isn't it?" simpered Mary-Sue, "Now I know what to talk to him about! Me!"

Chapter 1: Who is this "Half-Blood Prince," Anyway?

"Hi, Harry," Mary-Sue said, sounding just calm enough to give the impression of serenity and just nervous enough to make sure Harry knew how much talking to him meant to her.

Harry didn't respond, but gaped, open-mouthed at the bronze beauty standing in front of him.

Any other girl might have found this rude, or at least disconcerting, but Mary-Sue, able to understand anyone's emotions, no matter how complex (not that Harry’s were right then) knew in her heart that what he was trying to say was "It's a pleasure to meet you. Of course I've heard of you, you're Mary-Sue, the exchange student. I'm Harry Potter, and I must say you have gorgeous eyes, darling. Would you like to dance?"

Sighing at the imagined conversation, Mary-Sue answered his unasked request with a beaming "yes."

Harry, since he and Mary-Sue were obviously in love, understood what she was referring to and took her arm to head over to the dance floor.

Now, most Gryffindor parties didn't actually have a specific, wooden dance floor, as most teenage parties don't, but Mary-Sue, a lover of traditions and modern ideas put together, had suggested the idea, and everyone had loved it.

Harry, who had been a rather bad dancer merely two years ago at the Yule Ball of his fourth year, was influenced by Mary-Sue's fluid and graceful movements so much that he was able to dance in a suave and gentlemanly manner.

Mary-Sue, delighted by Harry's dancing abilities, rested her head comfortably on his shoulder.

'This is true love, I know it,' she thought contentedly, as Harry held her protectively in his once scrawny, but now muscular (from Quidditch, naturally) arms.

Just as Mary-Sue was beginning to get a little bit bored, Harry leaned down (for he had had another growth spurt and was now the perfect size - his and Mary-Sue's bodies fit like matching puzzle pieces while they danced) and kissed Mary-Sue delicately on the lips.

Mary-Sue giggled once the chaste kiss (which still conveyed passion beyond measure) was over and said teasingly (even though she could read his every thought through effortless legilimency):

"So unpredictable, Harry!"

He smiled appreciatively at her.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Mary-Sue grinned as she remembered her and Harry's first evening together. The day after the party (during which Harry had not, in fact, said a single word) had been the day they had first officially been a couple.

Today was their one-week anniversary, and, naturally, they were celebrating in the common room.

Ron and Hermione were sitting next to the enthusiastic couple, as they shared a rather small chair. Ron was staring ahead with a vacant expression and Hermione (looking almost like she might puke) seemed to be trying hard to ignore the disturbingly sappy conversation Harry was having with his girlfriend.

"Never thought I'd see the day," Hermione muttered, disgusted.

It seemed, however like she had just found something to distract her from the scene going on in the chair next to her.

"Harry, Ron! Look what I've found! I borrowed some old Daily Prophets from the library, and look what I've found!"

Ron watched her, relieved to have something other than Harry and Mary-Sue to concentrate on and Harry, too, gazed over, albeit rather more reluctantly.

"It's about the Half-Blood Prince! See this," she held up a photograph of a rather plain, and quite familiar looking girl, the caption of which was Eileen Prince, Captain of the Hogwarts Gobstones Team.

"Huh?" asked Ron, baffled. Though he had once been a master of strategy and capable of achieving the same grades as Harry, he had shockingly sunk in intelligence level, almost to that of a sort of gorilla. Or a baboon, perhaps.

Speaking of baboons, his sense of humor, too, had been eliminated over the past weeks, reducing him to 'Ron Weasley, the dumb sidekick of Harry Potter - the boyfriend of Mary-Sue!

"Prince! Don't you see? This could probably be the Half-Blood Prince!"

"But, princes are male!" Harry argued, "And plus, I can tell it's a bloke. I dunno how, but I can just tell."

"Yeah," added Ron, who seemed to always agree with Harry without question lately, "It's not like it's the Half-Blood Princess.�

"But wizards don't have princes! So 'Prince' has to either be a title or nickname of some sort, or be the person's real name."

At this point, Mary-Sue (who had been remaining respectfully silent, leaving the "golden trio" to themselves) spoke up.

"Guys, I think I have the answer! You're both right!"

"Shut up, Mary-Sue," said Hermione, who was very jealous of the girl's abilities and smarts.

Mary-Sue, being the emotional person she was, let sound a dry sob, and Harry put an arm around her protectively, glaring at Hermione.

Ron continued to watch a fly buzzing around the room, his mouth hanging open most unflatteringly.

"Let her speak, 'Mione," said Harry, employing the nickname he and Ron had just started calling her randomly around the time he got together with Mary-Sue.

Mary-Sue gave Harry a tear stained smile, and continued.

"Think about it. Maybe the Half-Blood Prince is a bloke, but Eileen Prince was his mother! And maybe she married a Muggle! So he would be a half-blood! That would makes sense, he would be half a prince!"

"You're brilliant, Mary-Sue!" Harry sighed, hugging her tighter.

Hermione rumpled her nose, unable to see anything illogical in the statement. Of course, even though she was quite probably the brightest witch of her age, she hadn't noticed Mary-Sue use legilemency to enter her mind and find those thoughts hidden away in Hermione's subconscious.

"Harry, I've just had a thought! What if it's Snape! Doesn't Eileen Prince look an awful lot like him?"

"You're right, Mary-Sue! Come on! We'd better go talk to Dumbledore!"

Ron continued to sit in his chair as the other three hurried off. By the look of things, he had just swallowed the fly.

Chapter 2: The Bemusing Musings of Dumbledore and Draco



Dumbledore, who had become increasingly senile over the past week, was sitting in his office, humming to himself while popping lemon drop after lemon drop into his mouth.

Suddenly he heard a loud commotion outside his door. Being the senile old coot he was, however, he just let whoever it was continue banging, and lay his head on his chest to take a little nap.

Outside the stone gargoyles, Harry was having a temper tantrum.

"Let us in. Lemon drop. Or was that sherbet lemon? Why did they translate the books anyway? They were already in English. Who cares about a bunch of bloody Yanks? … Anyway… uh… cockroach Clusters! Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans! Drooble's Best Blowing Gum!"

He kicked the gargoyle angrily. Mary-Sue soothingly put her arm around his shoulders, and he dissolved into tears that he had been needing to shed ever since Sirius had died.

"Oh, Mary-Sue! Every time I come here, I get mad at Dumbledore and I feel so bad. And poor Sirius is dead! It's all my fault!"

"Shh, it's okay. It wasn't your fault, Harry. I still love you!" Mary-Sue's sappy words were exactly what Harry had needed.

Feeling particularly emotional, he sobbed even harder, now also out of gratitude and love for Mary-Sue.

Rolling her eyes at such un-Harryish behavior, Hermione walked past the pair and up to the gargoyles, only to find them opening.

A few moments later, Dumbledore flopped out, having just tripped over his extremely long beard.

Looking up at Harry and Mary-Sue, entwined as they were, he sighed.

"Ah, Harry. Now you understand the power the Dark Lord knows not! Love. Yes, young love. And such a gorgeous girl, too. Good choice, Harry. Good taste, yes..."

As Dumbledore continued his rambling, Hermione hid her face in her hands and burst into angry tears.

"Not you, too! Not Dumbledore!" she shrieked and ran away as quickly as possible.

Harry and Mary-Sue, however, were too busy gazing into each other's eyes to notice Hermione's breakdown or Dumbledore’s inherent rambling.

Finally they looked up, as Dumbledore's long-winded speech came to a close with the words "Your true love will save the world from that evil psychopath!"

Mary-Sue stepped forward.

"Sir. Harry would like to tell you something. The potions book he's been using, it had spells and hints and everything in it. And it belonged to the "Half-Blood Prince" and I'm... I mean, we're sure it's Snape."

As usual, Dumbledore ignored all the glaring evidence (thought Harry) and said:

"I have my reasons for trusting Snape. Now... lemon drop?"

Being the polite girl she was, Mary-Sue graciously accepted and Harry followed her lead, while glaring at Dumbledore.

"If we were in your office..." he growled, "we soon... wouldn't be!"

"What?" inquired Dumbledore pleasantly.

"He means he feels like demolishing your office, sir," Mary-Sue clarified.

"Oh, alright then. I've got to get back to my nap, err… I mean, important Order business now. Ta-ta!" Dumbledore mumbled, tripping back up the stairs.

"Well, he was no help!" hiccoughed Harry.

"I know!" giggled Hermione.

“Um… ‘Mione, weren’t you gone?�

“Maybe…�

“Okay…�

All three friends had just grabbed a handful of the offered lemon drops from Dumbledore and were happily devouring them.

"Hi hi!" added Mary-Sue then said seriously, "wait a minute! These lemon drops... they're... alcoholic!"

"No they're not!" laughed Hermione, “but if they were… that would sure explain a lot of things about Dumbledore…�

"Yesh they are, 'Mione! Everything Mary-Sue says is true!" replied an angered Harry.

“Oh, don’t be shtupid! I am not drunk!� she giggled, then noticed what she was doing and covered her mouth with her hands in embarrassment.

For some reason, Hermione Granger had decided not to be a girl who giggled. In fact, it seemed she was barely a girl at all, and more a robotic nerd, who didn’t really care what color her hair was, as long as it was there, nor whether it was bushy or whether she looked like she had just crawled out of bed. Not at all. All this had changed a bit recently, though…

“You should giggle more often,� said Mary-Sue, always one to offer advice where the knew it was needed, “and maybe you should start wearing make-up and tighter robes, too."

After all, over the past week (this is unique! It’s not the summer in this fic!) Hermione’s frizzy hair had turned into beautiful light-brown curls, her eyes had become large and enchanting, and her once child-like body had miraculously become curvy and perfect.

Those were, in fact, the exact thoughts of one Draco Malfoy, who had also undergone quite a transformation from annoying, snobby pureblood prodigy to suave, sex-god, angelic-looking, clever young man, who is just… misunderstood!

This, of course, had not gone unnoticed by Hermione as he just happened to walk past at that moment.

Draco and Hermione’s musings were not long-lived (for the moment), however, as Mary-Sue grabbed Harry and Hermione’s arms and pulled them both off to Gryffindor tower for an anti-alcohol potion - Mary-Sue was, after all, the best potion mistress ever!

Meanwhile, Draco was sitting alone in his dormitory, having sent Crabbe and Goyle off after some food. He was contemplating the thoughts seeing Hermione (he had just randomly started calling her that when he had noticed her cute bum earlier) had brought out.

“No. I can’t love a mudblood!� he yelled, then realized that he had just almost admitted that he thought he might love her.

“What would father say?� he worried, fearing the wrath of his cruel, torturous father, whose fault it was entirely that Draco had become the arse he was today.

------------------------------------------------------------------

As she walked, Mary-Sue considered the stares she had noticed going on between Draco and Hermione. They were obviously hiding a great love with their supposed hate. A masquerade would do the trick quite nicely…

Chapter 3: Masquerade Time!

The moon was high in the Great Hall. Stars were winking from the ceiling, onto the romantic scene unfolding below. A wooden dance floor had been erected in the center of the Hall (Mary-Sue's idea, of course) and masked dancers were entwined in each other's arms throughout the room.

Cool Californian music which didn’t exactly fit the Harry Potter timeline was playing (also courtesy of Mary-Sue), and everyone wore a wonderful costume.

Mary-Sue and Harry were slow dancing in a corner, having come together.

Ron was sitting by the buffet, eating like a complete pig (after all, all Ron was capable of was supporting Harry, eating, sleeping and screaming like a girl lately). Even though he was still going with Lavender, he had been unable to find a date to the ball.

Mary-Sue took all of this in with one sweeping gaze through the festively decorated hall. Where is Hermione, she wondered?

And then she saw her.

Hermione, dressed as a princess (which was only natural since she had discovered her girly side a mere week ago with the help of Mary-Sue) was dancing in the arms of a sleek-haired boy dressed all in greens and silvers.

The two were discussing everything, from literature to potions, and Hermione was finding that this gorgeous boy was not only a wonderful dancer, but also a great conversationalist; not at all snobbish or bratty, but perfectly charming.

Staring into his gray eyes, running her fingers through his blond hair, admiring the Slytherin colors of his costume, and feeling butterflies in her stomach with every touch, Hermione wondered who he might be.

Since the mask covered about half of his face, and really none of his features, of course, she couldn't tell. But that smirk seemed very familiar, somehow...

Meanwhile, very similar thoughts were going through the head of Hermione's partner, none-other than Draco Malfoy.

The mask hiding half of the pretty (yes he could tell she was pretty, but couldn't tell who she was) girl's face was stopping him from hazarding a guess. But he knew, whoever she was, he was falling in love.

'It's a good thing it isn't Hermione - er, Granger,' he thought to himself, 'after all, those alluring curls, those large brown eyes and that intellectual mind could never have anything to do with Herm - Granger.'

Thus pleased, he went back to waltzing (most teenagers might not waltz, but again Mary-Sue's love of tradition had come into play) his beautiful partner.

The question of who it might be just wouldn't leave him be, though. Draco couldn’t figure it out! But soon he would know. After all, at midnight, when the bells rang, everyone would de-mask.

Ding Dong.

Midnight had arrived. Happy to finally find out who this girl (who he was sure was his true love) could be, Draco pulled his mask off.

“Oh no!� gasped Hermione, completely shocked at the fact that the blond sixth-year Slytherin she had been dancing with was her arch-enemy Draco Malfoy!

Without taking her mask off, Hermione, who had become rather timid and afraid of disappointing Ron and Harry, ran away onto the grounds.

“What did I do?� Malfoy asked Crabbe and Goyle who has just appeared by his side, “The girl I love just ran away from me! She must be… oh no… a Gryffindor! Or worse… a Mudblood! Probably both! I wonder who it is, though…�

Crabbe and Goyle grunted sympathetically. Or maybe just stupidly.

But the three of them were saved (Draco from thoughts of sadness at the memory of his true love running away from him and Crabbe and Goyle from the exertion of actually thinking) by Dumbledore standing up to make his speech.

As usual, the beginning conveyed all of Dumbledore’s newfound insanity:

“So this morning, I went to the loo. And I said to myself, this school is missing something. Something big. Something exciting. Something scary. Something hairy. Something crazy. Then I realized that Hagrid was gone.�

"Nah, A’m still thar, Dumbledore, sir" Hagrid said (strangely enough, his accent/dialect seemed to have changed to a random jumble of words around the time Mary-Sue and Harry had gotten together), sounding a little hurt.

“Oh yes, I suppose you are. Well, on with the speech! As I was saying, on the loo this morning… No, wait, that wasn’t what I meant to tell you at all. But what happened was quite interesting, you see…�

Draco tuned out around then, feeling that most of his senile headmaster’s speeches were the same anyway. And they usually ended with Dumbledore’s aim being off. He had never thought he could pity a house elf… But those thoughts were hard on his well-cultured (but much abused) mind, and so they returned to the mystery girl. His true love, he was sure!

‘But what about the feelings I had had for Hermione – er Granger?’ he asked himself. ‘But wait!’ he added in his mind, ‘there is no way I’m in love with Herm – Gra – Herm - oh what’s the use, Hermione. She’s a Mudblood! I’m definitely over her and in love with Mystery Girl, now!�

At the sound of his own name, Draco started listening to Dumbledore’s speech again.

“And so, even though Draco is the son of a known Death Eater…� (Draco cringed remembering the torture his father put him through as training to become a Death Eater himself) “…he and Miss Hermione Granger will become the second Head Boy and Girl of the school. Also, Miss Mary-Sue López…� (the group cheered loudly at the sound of her name) “… has given me the brilliant idea of inventing Head Dorms! Hermione and Draco will be sharing a Head Dorm, as the first ever sixth year Head Boy and Girl!�

At the same instant, Hermione and Draco sighed and closed their eyes. They knew that this meant not only living with their worst enemy, but also confronting their confusing feelings – those that were strangely like true love.

Chapter 4: Head Dorms and Harry Problems


Entering the head dorms for the first time, Hermione understood what a privilege it really was to be Head Girl. After passing the portrait, she entered a common room, painted half in green/silver and half in gold/red.

Being such a sudden girly-girl, and only interested in looks, Hermione stopped to consider how terribly those two combinations clashed. Quickly she got over it though, as she stared wonderingly at the comfy couch, the fireplace, the useful desk.

“Wow!� she said aloud, following a set of stairs up to her own room. Naturally it was painted in red and gold tones, and the large, queen-sized bed had the same colors. This time not even stopping to consider how horribly sick of gold and red she would be by next month, Hermione continued her exploration of the dorms.

It seemed that adjacent to her room was a rather large bathroom with a huge bathtub, sink and, (no big surprise there) a toilet. On the other side of the bathroom was a door.

Having absolutely no idea what could be behind it, Hermione walked over and turned the doorknob, only to find a room identical to her own except that the only visible colors were green and silver.

Shocked at what was clearly Draco Malfoy’s room, Hermione hurried back to her own part of the dorm, to unpack.

Meanwhile, Draco Malfoy himself was entering through the very portrait (yes, portrait. Even though Gryffindor is probably the only house that has an entrance like that, the Head Dorms do as well!) to find the same sight as Hermione had moments before.

Instead of awe, though, Draco was only feeling confusion. He didn’t know what all this meant. First, he fell in love with Hermione, then Mystery Girl, and now he had to share a dorm with Hermione! What was he to do?

“I can’t tell father,� he said to himself, “he would only beat me relentlessly! I can’t tell Crabbe and Goyle either, since I don’t live with them anymore. Oh, woe is me!�

Hiding at the top of the stairs, Hermione had heard this little monologue.

‘Oh, Draco,’ she thought, feeling a surprising pang of sympathy, ‘maybe there is more to you than I thought! Maybe you are more like the boy I fell in love with at the masquerade!’

-----------------------------------------------------------

While Draco and Hermione were facing their anguishing (if unrealistic) feelings in the Head Dorms, Mary-Sue was dealing with her own problems: Harry problems. No, not hairy! She was not dating Hagrid! Harry problems. H-A-R… Oh you get the point…

It wasn’t that he had become any worse a boyfriend, or, like most teenage boys, long since broken his promise of never looking at another girl that way again. No, it was just that Harry was worrying more than ever about Draco Malfoy and Professor Snape (who they knew, of course, to be the Half-Blood Prince).

Recently Harry had told Mary-Sue about all of his fears concerning Malfoy. That (and the recognition of true love) had been what hat motivated Mary-Sue to set up Hermione and Draco, in fact. She hadn’t told Harry about this plot though, for she knew he would be very mad.

Speaking of mad… Harry had refused to go to Dumbledore again to ask for help. Of course, Mary-Sue wasn’t exactly sure why “mad� had made her think of this. Harry’s anger at the headmaster? Or said headmaster’s insanity?

Well, it didn’t matter, really. The point was that, at that very moment, Mary-Sue was headed to Dumbledore’s office on her own.

Being the trusting person she was, Mary-Sue had refused to accept, at first, that Dumbledore might be wrong. Finally, however, her brilliance had over-ridden her naivety, and Mary-Sue was going to sweet talk the information out of Dumbledore. This, she knew, would be no easy feat, despite the fact that we’ve already established that Dumbledore is senile.

As Mary-Sue gracefully floated along (Mary-Sue never just walked), however, someone came running towards her. The person was obviously male, but he seemed unaffected by her charms. Extremely shocked by this, Mary-Sue looked at who it was. To her surprise, it was Ron. This made everything even more confusing, since Ron was the boy who was extremely stupid, and could never stop staring at his best friend’s girlfriend.

Surprised at his angry look, Mary-Sue decided to follow him. Quietly she slunk (she did not walk!) along behind the rampaging boy. Finally they reached the head dorms. A quiet look of determination on his face (Mary-Sue briefly wondered when the idiocy had been replaced by blood-lust and strength), Ron ripped open the door. The portrait just gaped at such strength.

Following Ron, Mary-Sue could hear sounds coming from inside the dorms.

“Yes, my father forced me to. He used to abuse me terribly you know.�

“Oh, Draco! Poor you! I… I’m so sorry.�

“Thank you for listening to me. I feel much better. You’re so beautiful.�

“Oh… Draco! I love you!�

After that, it sounded like they were kissing. Mary-Sue sighed contentedly. This was exactly how she had planned it. But then Ron, who had been standing just in front of her, rushed into the room and grabbed the two lovers by their collars. Throwing Hermione onto the floor, he faced Draco menacingly.

It was all Mary-Sue could do to keep them apart. Hermione, who had of course lost all the strength she used to have, was crying in the corner. Mary-Sue had had enough.

“Petrificus Totalus!� she yelled twice, looking at Ron and Draco in turn. Obviously she performed the spell without using a wand, and it worked perfectly. The two boys lay on the ground, helpless.

Going to Hermione, Mary-Sue put her arm around the sobbing girl.

“I’m sorry, Draco!� Hermione screeched, “I can’t be with you anymore!�

With that Hermione ran from the room, sobbing. Tears started leaking from the corners of Draco’s eyes, too, and Mary-Sue unbound him. He scurried off into his part of the room to cry.

Standing in the middle of Hermione’s dorm, Mary-Sue was watching the new developments with interest. It looked as if Hermione and Draco weren’t meant to be after all. Well that was too bad. Draco was miraculously hot, after all, and Hermione was the second prettiest girl in the school, suddenly, as well. Second only to Mary-Sue, naturally.

“But wait!� thought Mary-Sue, looking down to Ron, who still lay unable to move on the floor. He reminded her of something, or rather someone, “I know the perfect person for Draco! Her entire family (including her) hates him, his entire family hates her and her family. He is the worst enemy of her brother. He is snooty and rich… er, I mean, gentlemanly and abused. She is cheerful and fiery… er, I mean, angsty and gothic. Perfect!�

Forgetting Ron on the floor, Mary-Sue hurried out of the room, anxious to set her new plan into motion.

Chapter 5: Forbidden Loved OR This Even Has a Cliché Title


Meanwhile, as Mary-Sue was figuring out the particulars of her plan, Hermione had run to the Astronomy Tower, where she could always find comfort. She was leaning against a rail, crying helplessly.

She had let Ron down, and Draco, too. Ron had wanted to protect her! But Draco had kissed her! Oh, she was so confused!

Just then, a shadowy figure, dressed in a leather muggle jacket with matching pants and boots stepped onto the landing.

“I see we have the same place to come and think, Herm… Granger.�

How had he known that she came here to think, Hermione wondered. But, though she was usually an intelligent girl, all she could think of to say was: “Call me ‘Mione, professor�, even though she knew that he, being a teacher already had the right to call her by her first name, if he wanted to. But a nickname… That was… intimate! And romantic!

She’d always had a thing for older men…

“Alright, ‘Mione. But please, if we’re on a first name basis, call me… Severus.�

“But, professor, that wouldn’t be proper!�

Even though Hermione had become a girly, flirty girl, she still firmly believed that professors were saints. And yet, she had just asked him to call her ‘Mione…

“Forget proper!� he said, the passion raw in his voice, “I love you! Ever since that fateful day…�

----------- Flashback -----------

Hermione, who had been working as a lab assistant for potions (Snape had never needed one before, but did suddenly in Hermione’s sixth year), was weighing ingredients carefully.

Severus was pouting. Why had Dumbledore put this girl to this job? Perhaps… but no. Dumbledore, the senile old fool, couldn’t know about Severus’ secret feelings, could he? The tiny, secret obsession he’d had with Hermione since the moment she started filling out. Before, she had just been an annoying student to him. All of a sudden, he saw her as a fellow adult, and an intelligent, hot one at that!

Looking over to her, he saw her smooth, curly hair bouncing. Something else was bouncing too, a bit lower, but he told himself he wasn’t noticing that…

Then, she looked up and smiled at him. He knew that, after years of rejection, someone was finally accepting him. He would never cry himself to sleep again! And he loved her for it.

----------- End Flashback -----------


“You see, it was then, I knew I loved you.�

“Oh, Severus. Who cares about rules?�

Hermione threw herself into his arms. This was a man even more cultured, sophisticated and romantic than Draco. Also, he was so sarcastic and sardonic and she was too (what? It came with the makeover…). Plus, he was so smart. Even though Hermione had only ever spoken to him in class, she knew this to be a fact! And he was damn sexy in that leather! And the greasy hair look was just… mmh! Hermione couldn’t stop herself from running her fingers through it.

“I love you!�

-----------------------------------------------------------

On the other side of the castle, Mary-Sue was busily trying to set up another romance. And there was one of the prospective young lovers now.

Ginny Weasley, once cheery, passionate and stubborn, had gone bad. She was wearing gothic chains, and black makeup. Her fiery red hair was died black. Her fingernails were painted black. She was being morose.

“Oh, the entire world hates me! Tom said he loved me, but he lied! And now I’m tainted forever! I will never get over the pain! And plus, I resent having brothers who try to protect me! That’s all I am to anyone! The littlest Weasley! That’s all! And I, though I used to be able to scare even Fred and George, can’t do anything about it! I wish I could just crush the whole world! No one loves me!�

“You’re too light for that, Virginia, eh… Ginerva,� said a teary, male voice. He sounded very dark.

“No, you’re wrong! There’s dark me in me!�

Becoming invisible, Mary-Sue decided her plan needed a change. They would no longer be able to go for her original plan of “Romeo and Juliet�, “light and dark� type opposites attract type love between the two. Instead, she guessed, they would have to make do with… With what? Then, and idea hit her! They would have to realize how similar they were… And it would start, with them calling each other cliché names. And yes… it was starting!

“Oh, Ginerva! I feel the same! I’m a good guy, but sometimes I feel so… dark!�

“Oh, you poor abused boy! Oh, Dragon!�

And when Mary-Sue looked back, they had fallen into each other’s arms.

“You’re the only one who understands me, Ginerva!�

“You’re the only one who understands me, Dragon! But, uh, Dragon? There’s one thing… We know that Ron went berserk, when he wanted the girl he likes to be his. How will he react when he finds out that his sister is dating you?�

“I don’t know, Ginerva, but I know we’ll get through this together! I love you!�

“I love you, too!�

Just then, a short boy with messy hair, I mean, a suave sex-god whose looks were rivaled only by Malfoy’s walked into the corridor where Ginny and Draco were holding each other.

“How dare you, Ginny? I may have a girlfriend who’s much prettier than you, now, but I will not tolerate you dating another man! Especially my arch-nemesis!�

Having said this, Angry!Harry attacked. Mary-Sue wasn’t sure whether he was aiming to punch Draco or Ginny. She did know that she had to interfere. This was here chance to save someone!

Turning into her animagus, a large, beautiful cheetah, she lunged. Without hurting anyone with her claws, she managed to pull Harry away from Draco.

“I hate you, Harry… uh, Potter!� Draco yelled.

Only Mary-Sue noticed the slip, but she chose not to say anything. Instead, she pulled Harry over towards her for a hug. But he stopped her.

“I realize you are the prettiest girl in the whole school, and to boys my age, usually that’s all that counts. But, Mary-Sue, I’m over you! I love… Ginny!"

Chapter 6: Heartbreak and Hermione's Dilemma

A dry sob escaped Mary-Sue’s full, red lips. Her makeup was running down her cheeks, but, instead of this making her look worse, it only made her seem distraught and sad, but still beautiful beyond words. Many boys had come over, in fact, with sincere offers to try to make her feel better.

No one could though, not after what Harry had done to her. Even though Mary-Sue was a Seer (what? I mentioned it… Didn’t I?) she hadn’t been able to see this heartbreak coming. Or perhaps, in her love, she hadn’t wanted to.

The only person who could comfort her was Hermione. Though Mary-Sue had been friends with Lavender and Parvati at first, she had soon realized that they were both brainless girly-girls, which she most definitely was not! Even if she did care about her looks, after all, she was even smarter than Hermione.

Still, Hermione’s brains almost matched Mary-Sue’s and so they had become fast friends. Especially since Hermione now cared about her looks and had had some bad relationships herself.

But Hermione wasn’t there just then, as Mary-Sue sat sobbing in the corridor, remembering that fateful afternoon…

---------------------------Flashback---------------------------

“Mary-Sue, I’m over you! I love… Ginny!�

It had taken a moment for the words to register in Mary-Sue’s mind.

“But… H-Harry… You c-can’t…� she spluttered. And Lópezes never spluttered! They were one of the oldest Wizarding families in the world and were renowned not only for their amazing magical abilities, but also for their dignity and pride.

Mary-Sue, though always just as dignified as any of her ancestors, had never really been prideful to an extreme extent. She was always modest and kind, but still proud of what she could do. And here she was, spluttering. That just showed how important Harry had been to her. Oh, Harry! She loved him more than anything! What could she only do? Her poor broken heart!

But wait… Draco was saying something… That was right! Ginny was taken! Harry would want her back! Mary-Sue looked up, eyes still red (but beautifully so) but more hopeful. Her radiant, hopeful smile had no effect on Harry though.

“Oh, Harry!� Ginny gushed, “I’ve loved you ever since I saw you for the first time when I was ten! I know, I was only a kid at the time and didn’t even know you, but I knew then that it was true love! I’ve been saving myself for you, my love!�

With those words, Ginny threw off her gothic clothing, raised her wand to remove the black makeup and hair dye and jumped into Harry’s open arms. What did she care that he has spurned her for so long? Now that her hero loved her, nothing mattered but him!

Mary-Sue, even though she was saddened beyond belief, had been touched by the obvious true love. It was too much! She screamed and ran away, crying silently. Finally, she transformed into her animagus and hid from all of her friends.

--------------------------End Flashback--------------------------

It had been a week since then, and Mary-Sue hadn’t eaten a thing, even though so many caring Gryffindors (and also Ravenclaws, who, of course, were all absent-minded and a bit strange but brilliant and Hufflepuffs, who were, of course, all dim-witted and naïve and all around pathetic) had tried to talk to her or make her eat. Not even Hermione had been able to convince her poor friend to have some food or get some proper rest.

So a thin and depressed Mary-Sue was sitting in a corridor crying silently, sobs wracking her delicate frame. Just then a familiar figure walked down the corridor. He too was very depressed by Ginny’s constant doting on her new boyfriend and the two’s new name as “cutest couple in Hogwarts� – despite the fact that most were outraged that Harry had dumped Mary-Sue. Of course, there were many who were not outraged on her behalf of course. They were the eligible (and even the not so eligible) boys. In fact, Harry leaving Mary-Sue had set a wave of breakups among other young couples of Hogwarts. But Mary-Sue couldn’t dwell on that.

And there he was. Standing just above her now. Mary-Sue couldn’t even look up, but she knew that churning in her stomach only too well. She had first felt it for Harry, and here it was again. No! She couldn’t be falling in love again, could she? She had to stay in love with Harry… right?

And plus, Mary-Sue was best friends with Hermione. And what would she say? Mary-Sue knew that Hermione would disapprove. After all, she hated Draco, right? Mary-Sue was so confused. Should she choose friendship or this newfound love?

When Draco leaned down and captured her lips in an angelic, sweet kiss, Mary-Sue knew that it was a good thing Harry had left her. She couldn’t be with a hero like Harry! He was for good girls like Ginny. Some good girls simply needed… a bad boy. She returned Draco’s heartfelt kiss without another doubtful thought.

----------------------------------------

Meanwhile, in the dungeons, Severus Snape was professing his love to none-other than… the new DADA teacher! Hermione didn’t know what to do. She thought she had finally found true love, and here her true love was, kissing a woman who looked like she could be Mary-Sue’s mother!

Hermione didn’t know what to do. Should she confront Severus? Or give up on the man she had loved? Hermione was faced with a dilemma…

Crystal Clarity and Cold Calculations



Crystal was new at Hogwarts. Just recently (around the time Mary-Sue arrived, in fact) Slughorn had mysteriously disappeared. Snape had returned to his job as potions master and Crystal had taken up the DADA post.



Crystal was, of course, American. She hated how medieval this Hogwarts place was, but loved being there nonetheless. At first, when Snape had been forced to be her “mentor� he’d been very disappointed, thinking her to be a brainless dumb-blonde American. She had proven him wrong by hexing him. Soon, they’d fallen in love.



Crystal, of course, had no way of knowing about Snape’s forbidden affair with Hermione Granger. That’s why she had made a move. She had grabbed him by the adorably greasy hair and kissed him.



Crystal also hadn’t known that Hermione was watching, her heart filling with despair and jealousy.



“How dare you!� Hermione yelled in a surprisingly high-pitched voice as she ran from the room. Crystal and Snape ignored her. Snape wanted a real woman, now!



Hermione was distraught. She had had a taste of a real man, now and didn’t think she could ever go back to being with a boy. She wanted to ask her new best friend Mary-Sue for advice, but she thought Mary-Sue was too upset just then. Of course, Mary-Sue was actually busy snogging Draco in a nearby broom closet, but there was no way Hermione could know that.



Just then, she bumped into none other than… Remus Lupin!



“Pro… Professor Lupin…� she stuttered, taken aback.



“Hello, Hermione.�



She couldn’t help but notice how manly and wolfishly sexy those words sounded.

“I’m back to teaching Defense,� Remus said, answering her unasked question.



“But… Professor Moon…�



“We’re each teaching part time. You know about my… affliction.�



Hermione nodded, suddenly feeling a wave of sympathy for the kind (and oh-so-sexy) werewolf.



“You know, Hermione,� he was saying, “we’re obviously very similar. I’m (as everyone knows!) a complete bookworm just like you, and we’re both brilliant. I may be twenty years older, but you’re so mature…�



Hermione didn’t understand what was going on inside of her. She only knew that he was so right. They were very alike.



Severus had appealed to her because he was older (but so was Rem… Professor Lupin) and also because he was so snarky and sarcastic. Lupin, on the other hand, was sweet and kind and ruggedly handsome. And he was so similar to her. And… he was definitely older!



“You see now, don’t you, ‘Mione?� Remus questioned gently.



“Of course I do… Remus.� She used his given name without being asked, and felt very daring. She felt even more daring when she stood on her very tippy-toes and kissed him on the lips.



---------------------------------------------------------------



Just around the corner, Mary-Sue was unlocking lips with Draco.



“Oh, Mary-Sue,� Draco sighed dramatically, “I can never tell my father about us!�



“Why not, love?� Mary-Sue questioned concernedly, “I come from a rich, pure-blood family!�



“But… but you’re a… Gryffindor! So we must keep our love hidden!�

“No! My family will take you in! They are so caring and loving, if over-protective! You don’t have to let your father hurt you anymore, love!�



“Oh, Mary-Sue! I am so lucky to have you!�



“And I am so lucky to have you! You’re so gorgeous and suave. What a sex-god!�



---------------------------------------------------------------



Harry and Ginny, too, were expressing their happy love.



“Oh Harry. You’re so manly! And such a tragic hero, my love!�



“Oh, Ginny! You may be acting like a push-over, mushy girly-girl, but I love you for how fiery and stubborn you are! Being with Mary-Sue made me realize how much I really love you!�



The two embraced tightly, when suddenly a tall, red-haired figure rushed into the room.



“Oh no,� gasped Ginny, “Ron!�



Harry hurried forward to meet him.



“Ron,� he said, “You’re my best mate, but I know you would never trust me with Ginny. Still, I love her. But my friendship is important too. So, please give me permission to date her!�



Ginny didn’t even say anything about being spoken of as if she were some object.



Ron’s murderous gaze slowly melted.



“Alright, mate. I guess you can have her.�



Ron hurried away again and Ginny and Harry fell back to snogging in the hallway.

“I’ll always keep you safe from Tom,� Harry promised her (he had started calling Voldemort “Tom� around the time Mary-Sue showed up).



Ginny nodded, feeling free of Tom’s (what? Ginny too…) presence for the first time in her life.



---------------------------------------------------------------



Meanwhile, on the other side of the country, in a secret cave hideout, Voldemort was sitting and plotting, coldly calculating the amount of time he would need before he could be reasonably certain the fic was almost over and it was his turn to try to kill Harry Potter. Again. He was on the verge of despair.



Just then, Wormtail walked into the room.



“M…my lord,� he squeaked (Wormtail seemed incapable of just “saying� anything), falling to his knees, “is there anything you wish?�



Voldemort jumped up from his seat.



“I’m supposed to ask for a pair of slippers. Damn this author, how is it a parody to make me act like a complete ninny? Let’s face it, that’s not humor it’s just OOCness!� he announced in a high-pitched screech.



“P… perhaps… perhaps she was trying to parody other humor fics where you’re made a ninny?� Wormtail responded nervously.



“Oh… Alright then. Wormtail, bring me my bunny slippers! Pronto!� Voldemort commanded as he fell back into his chair to continue plotting.



Suddenly he let out a maniacal chuckle. He had thought of a brilliant, brilliant idea. Though it featured in 99 out of 100 “final battle� fics, Voldemort knew no one would expect it. He would… attack Hogwarts!

The Final Battle

The Final Battle (capitalized, of course!) was coming. Severus has left Crystal in the dungeons and rushed out to risk his life on a mission and he had been successful. After reassuring his damsel in distress that he was alive and well, he had hurried to Dumbledore’s office to tell him the news: Voldemort was doing the one thing no one had expected. He was attacking Hogwarts.

--------------------------------------------------------------

“No! Let me go with you! This fic may make me clingy and annoying, but I could help! Remember, I’ve been possessed by Tom before. I know him… Please! …�

Ginny might have gone on for hours longer, but Harry swooped down in a very manly way, gathered her in his arms, kissed her and said in a deep voice, “No, my love. I couldn’t bear to lose you!�

Having reduced Ginny to a melted puddle on the floor with his manliness, Harry walked away, to where his army awaited him.

--------------------------------------------------------------

“Draco, you have to make a choice. You know I’ll always love you.�

“Oh, Mary-Sue. I know, I know, but it’s so hard to disappoint my father who beat me when I was young. I so crave his approval… But you’re worth more! I choose… the Light�

The two fell into each others arms, and Draco burst into the tears he would never let anyone but Mary-Sue see. Then, still holding each other, they made their way towards Harry’s army.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Dumbledore had been dosing pleasantly in his office, when Severus had burst in. Without even accepting a lemon drop (sherbert lemon, whatever) he had told Dumbledore about Voldemort’s impending attack.

Dumbledore smiled to himself. He might seem senile and drunk (okay, so maybe he was drunk) but he was still a very powerful wizard!

He knew that the power of love would save Harry and so he’d decided to stay out of the Final Battle. After all, this was Harry’s war. And he was feeling pretty sleepy, anyway.

--------------------------------------------------------------

The entire faculty (minus Dumbledore whom everyone believed to be on a vital mission) was there, along with the DA and all of Gryffindor (a.k.a the “good guys�). The only Slytherin in the mass was Draco Malfoy, who was sneering at all those who passed. He might have chosen the side of the light, but that didn’t mean he would be nice, even if he knew that his life was in the hands of these people now.

Harry rose to a podium at the front of the room.

“Okay everyone. This is it. The Final Battle…�

“Hold on a second,� came a voice from the audience, “How do you know this will be the last battle? I mean, Voldemort could still escape, right and the war would continue…�

“No!� Harry yelled, cutting the insolent boy off, “This is it! The Final Battle! This is the end. The last one. I hope my speech has inspired you, as being with Mary-Sue has made me so mature (even though I broke up with her, of course) that I can lead us all into battle and you all trust me. Good luck guys!�

And they followed Harry out onto the grounds. Since it would be ridiculous for the entire army to have to stand there waiting, the Death Eaters arrived just at that moment.

Giving a long, manly battle cry, Harry charged. The Order Members did the same, fighting the Death Eaters with lots of creative (but never Dark!) spells. Finally Harry and Voldemort reached each other and everyone else just randomly stopped fighting, obviously knowing the enemy would do the same and therefore not fearing for their lives.

“Hello, Tom!� Harry yelled, not afraid at all.

Voldemort flinched.

“How dare you!� In a fit of rage the Dark Lord ran at Harry, seemingly forgetting that he had far superior magical strength. The two muggle-duelled for a ridiculously short amount of time. (Please consider every single step described in detail nonetheless.)

Finally Harry grabbed his wand and yelled the final incantation. Both he and Voldemort were thrown backwards. Voldemort died instantly, but Harry had sacrificed himself, too. Strangely enough though, unlike Voldemort, Harry did not die instantaneously but rather had time to lay on the ground, his strength drained.

Just then Ginny came running towards the battle field.

“Ginny… I thought I told you to stay inside…� Harry moaned, clutching his wounded side.

“Harry!� Ginny cried, oblivious to his words, and bent down to kiss him.

Then, miracle of miracle, the impending threat of death vanished and Harry rose up to gather Ginny into his arms.

“I’m alive! Oh, Ginny, your love saved me! Marry me!�

“Oh Harry! Yes! I’m yours!�

--------------------------------------------------------------

Following Harry and Ginny’s example, all of the couples began embracing each other.

“Hermione, will you marry me?� came a shy question.

“Oh, Remus, yes, of course!�

--------------------------------------------------------------

“Crystal… I’m still dangerous, but without the war…�

“Oh, Severus, of course I’ll marry you!�

--------------------------------------------------------------

“Luna, I… I know we’re nothing alike and you kind of scare me, but… we’re sort of the only ones left. Will you marry me?� Neville inquired, looking at his feet.

“What? We weren’t even in this fic… Erm, I mean… Yeeees, of course… Look, a Crumplehorned Snorcack!�

--------------------------------------------------------------

“Mary-Sue… I love you! I’ve slept with half of Hogwarts and never loved any other girl, but you are different. You’ve taught me the importance of love! Will you marry me?�

“Of course, Draco my love! And the moral of the story is… Clichés … eh, I mean, Love Conquers all!�

THE END