And The Cradle Will Fall
“Mummy! I’s missed you. Granny says you wanted to sees me. And if she says so, then you must’ve talked to her. Mummy, why don’st you ever talk to me? Is it something I did? I didn’t mean to be naughty. I swear I didn’st, Mummy. I didn’t mean to make you go away. If I’m good again will you come back? Please, Mummy. I promise I will, I promise I do! I promise to be good again. Will you and Daddy come back and make Granny smiles? She never smiles now. I want her to smiles. I want everyone to smile. Please, Mummy. Please come back.”
***
“Hello, Mummy. Granny brought me to see you again. She says you’re always listening to me, even when you can’t talk back. I think she’s telling naughties again, but she’s standing just over there in the corner watching me, and I don’t want her to shout. So I’ll talk anyway, and maybe someday you’ll speak to me again.
Mrs Davies called me up in front of the class today. We were painting pretty gardens, and she said I painted very well. She framed my painting and everything, Mummy! It’s hanging up in my classroom where everyone can see it. I wish you’d come to see it. Why won’t you come, Mummy? I wish you’d come to see me. I wish you’d come back home, Mummy. Maybe you don’t think I’m good enough yet. Maybe if I paint a better picture, then you’d come to see that one. Would you, Mummy? Would you come then?”
***
“I’m here again, Mummy. I’m sorry we haven’t been for a while, but Granny’s been sick. I told her she only needed some Pepper-Up, but she wouldn’t listen and told me to go to my room. Why does she always do that, Mummy? She’s never happy. Polly, my friend from school, said she just needed some toadstool root mixed into her tea. Polly said that always made people happy. It didn’t make Granny happy though. She started coughing everywhere and then glared at me and pointed upstairs again. She doesn’t even have to say it now “ I know that finger means it’s time for my room. I don’t mind it, but I wish she was happy again. Polly’s parents hug her all the time. I wish Granny would hug me, just once. Just the one time would be enough. I wish you’d hug me too. You’ve never hugged me, not that I can remember. Do you love me, Mummy? I wish you would, and I wish you’d come home. Granny says I shouldn’t make pointless wishes too. I suppose she’s right about that.”
***
“I’m back again, Mummy. I just wanted to talk to you. You never talk back, but maybe you listen sometimes. I just want someone to listen. I’m moving schools next year. I can’t wait, either. Daniel Marvin and his friends are still being mean to me. Yesterday they stole my lunch, the one that Gran had made for me, and I went hungry all day. I don’t know why they’re mean to me “ they don’t seem to be mean to anyone else. Why’s it always me, Mummy? They say nasty stuff too. They say that I’ll never be a wizard if I can’t fly a broom. Mrs Davies was teaching us to fly on practice brooms see, and I was too scared to try. It’s not my fault I’m scared of heights, Mummy, it’s not! They said I was silly though “ silly and sad… Sad Sillybottom they called me. It made me feel all cold inside. I ran to the toilets and locked myself in, and you know what I wished for, Mummy? I wished for you. I wished that you’d come and take me away. I wished that you’d come and give me a hug and tell me it’s all alright. I wished that you’d come and tell them off and that they were the silly ones for saying such mean things. I wished that you’d say you loved me. I don’t know why I keep wishing, Mummy. They never come true, after all.”
***
“Hello, Mummy. I brought you a Puffapod plant to sit by your bed. I thought you might like to take care of something. It’ll give you some practice, and then maybe someday, you’ll be able to take care of me. My new school’s just the same as the old one, Mummy. Why does this keep happening to me? There are some horrible boys here too. They say mean things about you and Daddy. The say you’re stupid and mad, and they called me ‘that weird kid’ because I don’t have parents. They said worse things too. They said you didn’t love me. They said you didn’t care. They said if you really cared about me, then you’d force yourselves better. The thing is, Mummy, I don’t know whether they’re telling the truth or not. Do you really love me, just like Gran says? Do you really, Mummy?”
***
“It’s me again, Mum. I’m disappointing everyone, all the time. Why can’t I ever do anything right? Gran keeps looking at me like I’m this strange person that’s not related to her at all, and Uncle Algie keeps doing weird stuff to me too. I think I’m a Squib, Mum. I can’t do magic “ I just can’t! I’ve tried, I’ve tried so hard. Last night I stayed up ‘till ten o’clock trying to do some magic, but there’s not anything there, Mum! You must be so disappointed in me - and Dad must be too. I know Gran is. I’m sure she’s embarrassed - embarrassed of me. She keeps saying what a wonderful wizard Dad was, and how I should be so proud of him. All I keep thinking is what would Dad have to be proud of me for? I’m sorry, Mum. I’m sorry to be such a waste of space. I’m sorry for not being the son you’d want. I’m sor- what does it even matter? You can’t hear me anyway.”
***
“I did it, Mum! I did! I did! I did magic! Uncle Algie dropped me out of a window and I bounced! All the way down the road! You should have seen their faces, Mum. They were so happy, and so proud. I’d never seen Gran look at me like that before. I wish you’d look at me like that, just once. But, no, that doesn’t matter. I did it, though! I didn’t disgrace the family, after all. I even got a Hogwarts letter this morning! I’m going to Hogwarts, Mum - I really am! Things are going to be different now, too. I know - I can feel it. I’m not going to be the odd one out any more. Not at this school. Not this time.”
***
“I was sorted into Gryffindor, Mum! Can you believe it? I couldn’t believe it, and I don’t think Gran could either. She was so proud though, Mum. I love the way she looks at me when she’s proud like that! I’m going to make her proud more often - I’ve promised myself. I’m going to make you prouder of me too, so that if you ever do get better, well, you’ll want me again. Gryffindor though, Mum! I still can’t believe it. D’you know what the sorting hat said? It said,
‘You might belong in Gryffindor,
Where dwell the brave at heart,
Their daring nerve and chivalry
Set Gryffindors apart’.
Can you believe it? It thought I was daring and brave! Well, it must be true if the hat found it “ apparently it never makes mistakes. There are some nice people in Gryffindor too, and you’ll never guess who else? Harry Potter, Mum! I’m in the same house as Harry Potter! I really can’t believe it. I’m so excited though, Mum. I’m going to make some good friends here, really I will. This is where I’ll finally fit in “ I can feel it!”
***
“So much happened this year, Mum. Apparently the Chamber of Secrets was opened, and there was a monster prowling the school. Colin Creevey and Hermione Granger were petrified by it, and missed half the year.
I told you about Hermione, didn’t I? She’s really nice “ she helps me out in Potions quite a lot. Well, when Snape’s not looking of course. He’s still the same slimy git I told you about last year. I don’t know why he hates me, Mum, but I just can’t do anything right, and I always screw up in Potions. I think I’ve lost more points for Gryffindor than the rest of the house put together. I wish I was normal, Mum. It’s so embarrassing, always screwing everything up. I just wish I could be like everyone else “ have good friends and be popular for once. I wish I wasn’t always ‘that Longbottom’, the one everyone knows about because he’s bound to mess everything up. I wish - oh, why do I always do this, Mum? It’s time I stopped wishing. I should’ve grown out of wishing a long time ago “ they never work anyway, so what’s really the point?
Anyway, the Chamber was opened again this year and they were going to have to close the school. Harry stopped it though, Harry Potter. Apparently he came back with a massive sword and he’d been the only one able to kill it “ even our Defence Professor couldn’t. He’s Harry Potter though, he could probably do anything. Someday I want to do something like that; I want to save the day. I - oh, here I go again. I’m sorry, Mum, I’ll stop hoping now. There’s a funny thing about Harry though. He’s orphaned, you know - You-Know-Who killed his parents. The thing is, I always thought I’d be able to talk to him about you; about how it seems like I’m an orphan as well sometimes. I never could though. I haven’t told anyone. I don’t think anyone would understand, and I don’t have anyone close enough. That’s the thing see “ Harry has Ron, and Dean has Seamus, and I have… Well, I have Trevor, I suppose. They’re my friends, don’t get me wrong, Mum, but… they’re not more than that. There’s no-one close to me, really, and I just wish… I just wish that, even if this is hopeless, that someday, there might be someone.”
***
“I’m home for the summer again, Mum. I finished Hogwarts, and I was actually glad to leave this year. A boy died, Mum. A boy named Cedric. Dumbledore says You-Know-Who killed him, and Gran believes him. She says we’ve got to stand by Dumbledore now “ that’s he’s going to need all the help he can get. I believe her, and I believe Harry, of course I do… it’s just… I’m scared, Mum. I’m so scared it hurts inside. I’m scared for you and Dad, and I’m scared for Gran and Uncle Algie, and I’m scared for Harry and my friends at Hogwarts. He’s back, Mum, You-Know-Who is back, and all I want you to do is hold me and tell me everything will be alright. You won’t though “ I know that by now. What’s worse than that though, Mum, is that I know everything isn’t going to be alright. People are going to die and all I can think about is that I hope it’s not anyone I know. That someone else gets hurt this time, that some else’s parents are tortured… that someone else’s life is destroyed. That He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named goes after some other faceless, nameless, nobody instead of me and the people I love. But who does that make me, Mum? Does that make me just like them? That I would wish such pain on someone else “ that I hope they feel this aching, wrenching, loneliness that I carry with me? That I hope they are the ones that have to build a life around loss? Does that make me evil, Mum? Does that make me cruel? Or does it make me merely desperate?”
***
“I joined the Order, Mum. I couldn’t not join, really. Dumbledore’s gone now and Harry’s leading it. Harry’s the one that asked me, actually. I don’t really know why he did, but he did anyway. I couldn’t answer at first “ I was that scared. He was standing there though, looking so dispirited and desperate that I couldn’t refuse. I don’t know what to do though, Mum. I don’t know how to fight. I feel so helpless, and I want to help, I really do, but what can I do? I’m only Neville Longbottom “ the boy who can’t be trusted to do anything right. How can I help fight a war? And not just any war either, probably the most important war I’ll ever live through. I’m nobody, you see Mum. How can a nobody fight a war? How can a nobody be trusted to help?”
***
“Hello, Mum. It’s me again “ your son, Neville. I had to come, tonight of all nights. It might be my last, you see, Mum. Merlin, how strange that sounds. My last night. We’re going into battle tomorrow. The Order. Me. We’ve been preparing for so long now that I’m sure this’ll be the big one, the deciding battle. The Final Battle. And even though I’m so scared that it hurts to even breathe, I’m glad I’m doing this “ fighting, for you, and for Dad, and for everything I believe in. Fighting as part of the Order of the Phoenix. You see, Mum, I finally figured out where it was that I belong… and ironically, it was the last place I would have thought possible. I mistook the Order, you see. I spent so long trying to find my place in this world, that when it finally arrived I nearly missed it. The thing is, the Order isn’t remarkably talented or outstandingly clever. They’re ordinary, desperate people fighting to save the people they love and the world they believe in. And I’m one of these people, Mum. I suppose I really did find that lion buried within me, and even if I had to drag it out by the scruff of its neck, the point is that it’s there.
Harry’s leading us tomorrow. Harry, who carries our country’s hopes and prayers upon his shoulders, and yet still manages to stand. Really, in comparison to the weight Harry bears, I have very little to complain of. Still, I can be selfish sometimes, can’t I, Mum? I can tell you just how ludicrously scared I am. You won’t mind while I moan that the very thought of going into battle against You-Know-Who’s army makes me want to run and hide and never, ever look back. I’m so scared that sometimes I think I want to be the Neville everyone believes I am “ the Neville who would throw his part of the war into everyone else’s arms, and find a nice safe hole to hide in until it’s all over. Thing is though, Mum, and you’re the only one I would ever tell this to, is that I’m not that Neville. However much I want to be, I’m not. I won’t abandon my friends, and I won’t abandon you or Dad. I’m going to fight for the world I want to save and I’m going to stop any other innocent children going through what I have. I’m going to help win this war, even if it kills me trying. And by the end of it, Mum, you’re going to be proud of me.”