I, Nymphadora Tonks was slumped down in the overstuffed chair in which I was sitting in front of the flickering light of the fire in the fireplace of the Burrow. My hair was as dull, lifeless and useless as I was then feeling. As lifeless as I had been feeling for a very long time. And it was all because of a certain someone.



My hair was a dull brown color, just like his. It hung limp and unresponsive to my morphing efforts to my slumped shoulders. The laugh that was usually just waiting to burst out, like a collection of tinkering bells, was silent tonight.



It was the last day of the year, yet I was not up to celebrating. But then, what did I have to celebrate for? I sighed. Had it really only been nine months? Nine months since I had thrown away all caution, and had proclaimed my love, my undying affection to a certain werewolf of whom I so adored? A certain someone who had stolen my heart from me when I had first laid hold of him with my eyes at the first meeting of the Order of the Phoenix just three years earlier? Was it really just nine months since the death of my friend and mentor, Albus Dumbledore?



I let my mind drift back to the night that had set that ball running. We were in the hospital wing of Hogwarts. Next to the bedside of a very unrecognizable maimed Bill Weasley…







Remus had just slumped down in the chair next to the bedside of the fallen Bill Weasley, who had been attacked by Greyback—that awful Greyback who had made Remus what he was. We had just learned about the death of our mentor, Albus Dumbledore.



“How did he die?� I had whispered, shocked. “How did it happen?�



And then, Harry had spoken those terrible words confirming our worst fears. That he had died. We had not really wanted to know. Yet we all had both longed to hear yet dreaded hearing it at the same time.



“Snape killed him. I was there. I saw it.�



I heard no more. I was stunned. Speechless. And then, I had heard Fawkes singing a lament outside. It was both beautiful and terrible at the same time.



And then, Minerva came in. She was asking about what had happened… about how Albus had died. And I had to suffer through it all over again.



“But Dumbledore swore he was on our side!� I whispered again. “I always thought Dumbledore must know something about Snape that we didn’t…�



“He always hinted that he had an ironclad reason for trusting Snape,� Minerva muttered, “I mean, with Snape’s history… of course people were bound to wonder… but Dumbledore told me explicitly that Snape’s repentance was absolutely genuine… wouldn’t hear a word against him!�



“Id love to know what Snape told him to convince him,� I spoke.



And then, Harry spoke up… telling us all exactly what had happened. How he, Snape had been the eavesdropper at the Hogshead, that he Snape had sent Voldemort on the trail of his, Harry’s parents… and then turned around and apologized that he had done it… that they were dead…



Suddenly, Remus spoke up again… “And Dumbledore believed that? Dumbledore believed Snape was sorry James was dead? Snape hated James…�



I did not hear what else was being said. I was exhausted. Until I heard Hermione blame it on herself, and Remus try to tell her otherwise.



“Its not your fault,� he had said. “Hermione, had you not obeyed Snape and got out of the way, he probably would have killed you and Luna.�



“So then he came upstairs,� continued Harry, “and he found the place where you were all fighting…�



“We were in trouble, we were losing,� I spoke up, my voice low. “Gibon was down, but the rest of the Death Eaters seemed ready to fight to the death. Neville had been hurt, Bill had been savaged by Greyback… It was all dark… curses flying everywhere… The Malfoy boy had vanished, he must have slipped past, up the stairs… then more of them ran after him, but one of them blocked the stair behind them with some kind of curse, Neville ran at it and got thrown up into the air—�



Ron spoke but I did not hear…



“And then Snape was there,� I continued, “and then he wasn’t—�



People spoke, but I heard nothing.



And then I heard Remus speaking again… “And then Snape and the boy emerged out of the dust—obviously, none of us attacked him—�









I came back to reality. Of course, none of us had attacked them. They had been a professor and pupil, for Merlin’s sake! If only… if only I had known… maybe then, he would not have gotten away… maybe then… I sighed. It was always maybe. It was never when.



If only Remus had spoken differently. If only he had cared. But then of course what he had said that day in the hospital wing of Hogwarts had proved to me that indeed, he had not truly cared, for if he had… sighing, I slipped back into my memories.









“…But he was a very handsome little boy… always handsome… and he was going to be married!� Molly had spoken up. I waited for Fleur to speak up, saying that the wedding was of, that she was going to go back to her home in France, where it was safe. But that did not happen.



“And what do you mean by zat?� she had said, suddenly, and loudly. “What do you mean, ‘’e was going to get married?’�



Molly answered, tears staining her voice… "Well, only that…�



“You theenk Bill will not wish to marry me anymore?� Fleur had demanded. “You theenk, because of those bites, he will not love me?�



“No, that’s not what I—� Molly sputtered, only to have Fleur interrupt her yet again.



“Because ’e will!� Fleur had continued, as my heart grew numb, “It would take more zan a werewolf to stop Bill loving me!�



“Maybe she did not understand what Molly is implying! Maybe she doesn’t realize what she is saying!� I thought franticly to myself.



“Well, yes, I’m sure,� Molly continued, “But I thought perhaps—given how—how he—�



“You thought I would not weesh to marry him? Or per’aps you hoped?� Fleur fumed. “What do I care how he looks? I am good-looking enough for booth of us, I theenk! All these scars show is that my husband is brave! And I shall do zat!�



Suddenly, I could bare it no longer. I now had proof that being a werewolf does not stop one from loving.



“You see!� I cried out, in a strained voice. “She still wants to marry him, even though he’s been bitten! She doesn’t care!�



Remus’s response only made my heart go even number.



“It’s different.� Remus looked terribly tense. “Bill will not become a full werewolf. The cases are completely—�



“But I don’t care either, I don’t care!� I cried out, seizing the front of his robes and shaking them. “I’ve told you a million times…�



“And I’ve told you a million times,� Remus responded, “that I am too old for you, too poor… too dangerous…�



I slumped down in defeat, although I was still gripping the front of his robes with my hands.



“I’ve said all along you’re taking a ridiculous line on this, Remus,� Molly had responded.



“I am not being ridiculous,� Remus had replied headstrong, breaking my heart even more… “Tonks deserves somebody young and whole.�



“But she wants you.� Arthur had spoken up with a small smile. “And after all, Remus, young men do not necessarily remain so.�



He had gestured sadly to Bill lying on the bed between the three of us.



“This is… not the moment to discuss it,� Remus had continued, avoiding all of our eyes, also refusing to look down at my shaking form, “Dumbledore is dead…�



I finally let go of Remus' robes in defeat. I retreated back to my position on the other side of the bed, careful to hide my hurt from him. His words had been like a poisoned dart to my heart; I was sure that if he had known how much he had affected me, that he might have considered taking his words back. However, he was right; Dumbledore was dead and I was being selfish in thinking that I might be able to use this situation to my advantage by trying to persuade him to love me. But it was too late, for Dumbledore was dead, and Remus did not care.







Yes, Dumbledore was dead. And the entire wizarding world was all shook up because of it. But, strangely enough, none of that seemed to matter to me at all. Why, one might argue, would the safety of the wizarding world not be important to as auror… whose job it is to protect the wizarding community? Well, it was not as if I no longer cared about the wizarding world, I did care. It was just that I had practically given up my will to live in this wizarding community.



After I had been reminiscing for Merlin knows how long, I heard movement coming down from the upper floors. I raised my head to see who it was. Remus. Who was—is the love of my life, and also the reason behind my lack of will to live.



Remus was walking down the stairs from his room. Well not his room, but rather Percy’s old room. As he walked into better light, I couldn't help but gasp to myself. Perhaps Molly was off her rocker… or perhaps she was not after all. For hadn’t she said that Remus did care? Although I knew it to be false… Didn’t she say that it was weighing down on him just as much as it was weighing on me? Yes, something was defiantly weighing down on him, that much was obvious. His hair was messy and uncombed, and it was also now half gray and half brown, his face was terribly lined and gaunt, like mine, with his eyes shadowed over and his robes a mess of tatters and patches. I wanted so desperately to put his hair in order, smooth the worries from his face…



Unable to watch him, I finally turned my face away and looked down, my lashes brushing against my tearstained cheeks. He wasn't for me. He wasn't for anyone, except maybe himself, or maybe just for his wolfish features which I loved with the same amount of determination as I loved his normal, human face. But unfortunately, the main thing was, he was not for me. That he never would be for me. And because of that, I was only for myself as well... I mean, it was not as if I could fall in love for a second time. Yes, because Remus was only for himself… I too, was only for myself. The only problem was, I did not want myself anymore.



“Nymphadora…�



I said nothing. It was not as if I actually was capable of saying anything. I continued looking at the flickering flames of the fire before me. I needed to harden my heart. Control my emotions. Constant Vigilance, as Mad-Eye Moody would say. But I did not feel up to myself, so it was easier. It was so much easier to ignore my aching heart. And it was easier for me to notice that Remus had crouched down beside my chair… my sanctuary of sorts… I was weary. Tired of life. I just wanted to let go.



“Nymphadora…�



“Please… please don’t call me that… it’s Tonks, always Tonks. I don’t like the name Nymphadora. Never have.�



“Ah, I see your getting a bit of your fight back… I’m glad…� Remus trailed off into silence.



Somehow, it did not seem to me as if he were truly happy. His voice had a somber tone to it. As if all the joy had gone from his life. Just as all the joy had gone from my life when he had rejected my love for him.



“No… that’s not true… you should know.� I answered, wearily, “When you rejected me again and again… it took away my sparkle. My happiness. My joy.�



Remus seemed startled by my words.



“Don’t think of it as rejection…� he told me weakly, “think of it as…�



“As what?� when he did not reply, I retorted, “See? Even you cannot come up with a good reason, besides… besides…�



“I'm too old for you… to dangerous… too poor…� was Remus’s answer, which I had expected.



“I don’t care if you are dangerous! I can help! And besides…� here I took up a voice sounding much like Fleur’s had, back when she was declaring her love for Bill… “Besides, I am young enough for the two of us… I theenk…� I didn’t think that I had had much of an impression on him, maybe saying that I had let out a hiccup in the middle of my heart-felt declaration.



“Oh, Dora,� I heard Remus murmur to me softly… “Why did you have to go and fall in love with me? Why did you have to go and fall in love with me of all people? I am not worthy of your affection. Both now, or ever...�



“But why? Why couldn’t you love me? Is it that I am not good enough for you? Or is it that you just cannot come to love me… is that the reason?�



“Oh, no… Dora, no…� groaned Remus softly, “of course that is not the reason why… it’s just, just that…�



“What Remus? Why can’t you love me? Why do you continually reject me? Why?�



“Nymphadora, you would not want to know… surly you would not understand my reasoning behind it…�



“Why Remus? Why?� I cried out, in a gut-wrenched voice. “Tell me! It’s going to be the New Year soon after all, for Merlin’s sake! Tell me, and I will not bother you anymore about this… tell me, please… and Remus… tell me you don’t love me… please tell me…�



All I heard was the groans and shrill protests of the couch, as he slowly lowered himself down upon its lumpy, year-stained seat. But Remus did not answer me at all.



“Maybe he does care.� A little voice inside of me whispered, hopefully. “Maybe he is realizing that he cares… maybe that is why he has not told me that he loves me… maybe that is why… maybe, maybe…�



I sighed. Why did he have to be doing this to me? I looked at my hands, and saw, not the plump, pink hands of a twenty-six year old metamorpmagus, but the thin starved looking hands of someone who has been grieving for far too long. I saw, just by looking at my hands, just exactly what I had become. It showed me as the grief-struck young woman without any hope for her future of who I have become. Who’s future is as bleak as her appearance.



“Remus?� I spoke quietly, hardly daring to hope, “Remus, if you do not, not love me, then what do you think of me? What then, am I to you anyways? Am I anything to you at all?�



I could have sworn that Remus had answered my quiet plea, with a quiet plea of his own. But of course, one could never know what is said, when your heart has been feeling such distress as my own has been. I could have sworn that he had quietly said, “If I were to lose you, then I would have lost my will to live.� But then, of course it was probably just my imagination.



“Remus,� I cried out, “why have you been doing this to me? Why? You are tearing my heart to shreds… bit by bit! Why have you done this to me? Your rejection of my love has broken my soul… and killed my love for myself…�



Suddenly, Remus spoke up again… making me look up at him…



“Are you sure you really want what’s inside here?� He took my hand in both of his own and placed it on his chest. “I think you don’t,� he added. “I am too dangerous. Too uncontrollable. I could hurt you. Greyback could hurt you if he found out…� he sighed sadly. “I have too many flaws, Nymphadora.� he paused with grief.



“Remus, look at me.� I carefully pushed his head up so that their eyes met. “Who else have I allowed to call me by my first name? Only you, Remus have I allowed that honor. And yes, I do know what I’m saying. All I said is true. I have loved you since the day we meet at that first meeting of the Order of the Phoenix, back when Dumbledore and Sirius were still alive… and I still love you, even after you have continually rejected my love for you. Remus, I just do not want to lose you again… please… please, Remus, say you care…�



And so, then, I waited. And waited for so long that my knees were growing numb, and my legs were falling asleep. And then, finally, it happened. I could have sworn that I saw something leave his countenance. For then, finally, as the first rays of the new morn shown through the lacy curtains above the now dark and cold fireplace, Remus looked up at me, and I could have sworn that I had just seen a glimpse of a smile on his lips.



“Yes, Nymphadora Tonks, you are my everything.�



I laughed out in joy, and the next thing I know I am in his arms, being lifted up to the heavens… all happiness and joy, with all of my worries left behind me. For, I knew that everything was going to be ok. For didn’t I had Remus, and he have me?



And with a laugh of joy I kissed him. And you know what? He returned it. Right at the second of Morns first light.