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The Crusade Between Mind and Heart
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Here I am again, at your headstone. I know I come here all the time, and I’m probably just annoying you, but I can never get you off my mind.

Do you know that it’s been over two years now? Over two years since my heart shattered, over two years since I saw your lifeless body on the cold, Hogwarts grounds. Over two years and I still love you.

It’s been hard, you know. I had that crush on Harry Potter and during my sixth year we dated for a while. It got awkward, though. We had a bad first date--not at all like ours--and it ruined everything. Every time I thought about Harry, you’d come to mind. I may never be able to forget the way we were.

Now I’m dating a wonderful guy, Michael Corner. He’s younger than me, but I never did care for boys my age, did I? Anyway, Michael treats me like a princess--his princess--and we’ve been dating over a year now.

To be honest, I never thought I’d be able to date again, after you’d gone. I loved you too much, and I still do. But then there was Harry, and now Michael… They’re good guys and I know you would have approved. Michael makes me smile and laugh--two things I thought I’d never do again after you were murdered.

I remember when you first told me that you loved me… Right after you got me from the lake during the Triwizard Tournament. You whispered it so softly in my ear that I almost missed what you said… I’ll never forget the way your warm breath tickled my neck, the way those words made my heart swell inside me.

Michael told me those same words last night. The worst part of it all is that I know he meant it. He does love me. And I care about him, honestly, I do. But to love him? That’s something I may never be able to do. And I know you’d say that you want me to be happy, and to be able to move on, but Cedric, I can’t! I can’t forget the way we were, the feelings I had when I was with you… Michael told me that he doesn’t want me to forget you and he says he doesn’t want to replace you. He says that you were my first love and that a part of me will always love you. But what Michael doesn’t understand is that you were my only love and that all of me will love you--forever.

When he said that he loved me, Michael looked directly into my eyes, which was something I hadn’t expected him to do. It felt as though he needed me to say it back, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I just muttered a measly “Me, too,” and looked away. That’s when he said that stuff about you being my first love. And I cried. For hours I sat crying in Michael’s arms about you. And I wanted him to hate me, to be infuriated with me for thinking of another guy while I was with him, but he understood. He just sat there, stroking my hair and telling me that it was okay to cry, that I could be sad, that he’d be there for me.

I don’t know how I ended up so lucky in my life. First I had you and you were amazing. So polite, sweet, gentle… And then Harry, who didn’t really know what he could do for my broken heart, but he’s a genuinely good guy. Now, I have Michael, and a girl couldn’t ask for a more understanding and caring boyfriend. But I abuse him and he doesn’t even notice it. And I don’t mean physically, but mentally, psychologically. I’m unfaithful to him, unfaithful to you. I don’t know where to draw the line or who I’m in love with.

I love you, Cedric. I have since we started dating a couple years back, maybe before that, and I will never stop. But I adore and admire Michael. And I know he’s earned my full attention; he’s worked hard enough and deserves it.

Maybe Michael’s right. Maybe I’ll always love you, but maybe I can try to move on. Michael deserves a try, right? Even though my mind is coming to this conclusion, my heart keeps saying that I shouldn’t let myself forget you. But I could never forget you, Cedric. Not for as long as I live. Because I love you, even though I love Michael. And I do love him, but you’ll always be in my heart.

It’s getting late and I should really get going… It’s so dark that I can barely read your name on the stone. But I can trace it with my fingers and I know you’re here. Cedric, even if you can’t hear me or maybe you’re just sick of my confused ramblings, I want you to know how thankful I am. You’ve helped me over more mountains that life has sent me than you know, even now that you’re gone. And tonight, you’ve helped me with this raging crusade between my mind and heart. So thank you.

Now it’s pitch black and I really must leave. Just know that I love you and that you live on in my heart--forever.