Summary: The pressures of war can either bring lovers closer together through trust or force them apart through fear and suspicion. When it looks like it's starting to become the former, Remus takes matters into his own hands.
Categories: Remus/Sirius Characters: None
Warnings: Sexual Situations, Slash
Challenges: Series: None
Chapters: 1
Completed: Yes
Word count: 999
Read: 2117
Published: 09/26/06
Updated: 10/05/06
1. The First Day of My Life by Slian Martreb
The First Day of My Life by Slian Martreb
Author's Notes:
I was given a prompt of 'World Kissing Day' and this is what came from it.
There’s something wrong with Sirius.
Remus can’t place his finger on it, can’t say exactly what it is that seems to be driving Sirius mad, but there it is. Just like the niggling feeling that he’s forgotten something vastly important, or he hasn’t turned the oven off. The idea that, perhaps, if he looked close enough, he might see what is, in truth, glaringly obvious. Understand what it is that’s making Sirius so skittish and anxious; what’s making him draw away. See what it is that makes Sirius all but skip away from him when he leans in for a touch. It almost seems silly, even to Remus, imagining that Sirius doesn’t want to be touched, but there it is.
James doesn’t know either, or pretends not to, when Remus asks him. Lily, in her turn, gives him a wide-eyed look as if to say When has he ever told me anything? He even stops at Peter’s flat for a bit, working his question slowly into the conversation, but Peter’s only answer is a nervous laugh as his eyes dart around the room. No idea he says finally. But if Black’s done for, aren’t we all?
Remus is quite sure that Peter’s right, and so he finally goes and asks Sirius himself.
“Me? Nervous?” Sirius asks with a high laugh to match Peter’s, his eyes going nearly as wide as Lily’s had the day before. “No. I’m perfectly fine,” he goes on, edging closer to the door and further from Remus. “Nothing’s wrong. Nothing wrong at all.” And then he all but runs away.
Is he“ the thought begins all on its on. Can he“are they“No Remus thinks, shaking the thought from his head. Sirius would sooner betray the Order than sleep with Peter. And Peter isn’t“doesn’t even“ He shakes his head again, the plan already forming in his mind.
*****
The next morning, weaving their intricate dance around one another in their attempts to get dressed, Remus stops Sirius in his tracks and grabs him in a kiss. It is unsure and unfamiliar and Remus wants to cry. It is the first time they’ve kissed in over a month and he misses this, needs this, the physical affirmation that proves to be no validation when Sirius breaks away after too short a moment. There is a confused, almost hurt expression on his face and Remus nearly does cry when Sirius walks out of the room, not a word spoken.
They meet back in the flat for lunch, keeping to the familiar day-to-day schedule even if nothing else has been familiar these last few days, or weeks, or months. Remus pays no attention at all to his food, forcing conversation. He is sick to his stomach with the feeling that this is like having to have a real first kiss again“ only made worse by the fact that he thinks this first will not turn out as well as the last had.
Why they’ve finished eating, they rise from their seats together, carrying their plates to the sink. Remus scrapes the first off before passing it to Sirius to wash, the movement of his hand through the air weighted down, as though he is trying to swim through water. Their hands touch and Sirius’s hands shake, dropping the plate into the sink filled with water and soapy suds. Trembling himself, Remus restrains himself to just a quick press of his lips on Sirius’s cheek. And then he escapes to the bathroom, sitting down on the loo as he attempts to keep himself together.
It is inconceivable that such a simple touch can overwhelm him in this way, but it has and Remus is shaking, nearly sick with the thought of it. How had they ever let this go so far? But the thought is too terrible to bear and he shoves it away and out of his mind, angry at the intrusion.
When they collapse into bed much later that night, after more work and an Order meeting that threatened to see Dumbledore dead by the end of it, they are both too exhausted to do more than eye each other warily across the few inches between them before they both fall asleep. In the middle of the night, Remus wakes, eyes unaccustomed to the darkness and the weight that is all but on top of him. He holds his breath, sure that he is still dreaming, but a moment passes and it is still Sirius pressed close against him, still Sirius’s arm flung over his chest. Silently, Remus turns his head to kiss Sirius’s forehead. Sirius sighs against him, somehow moving even closer.
When the sun’s rays stream through the window in the
early morning, waking them both, they have already separated their bodies from one another and the tangle of sleep. Sirius seems to have no memory of it, but his smile is easier, his step lighter and Remus is giddy with the need to kiss him in the stairwell.
And Sirius kisses him back.
It isn’t much, granted. Just a little bit of returning pressure where there was none before. An angling of one body against the other. A little less give and a little more take. A sigh of breath from one mouth into the other and Remus does not know which one of them it came from. He is though, quite sure that he doesn’t care.
They each blush, smiling, when they pull apart, but neither of them say a word. Their hands brush as they continue down the stairs. In another few minutes, they are both out of the flat again, returning to what other duties life requires from them. But for the moment, for the minute, Remus feels as though he’s begun to live again.
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