It’s cold in the streets of London. Petunia shivers, and pulls her cloak closer about her body. Only a little while longer, she reminds herself. Only a little while, and she will be able to fulfill her destiny. Only a little while and she will stand face to face with the man �” no, Lord �” who is to save her. Only a little while and she will see her sister’s murderer.

She doesn’t want to think about Lily, but she can’t stop herself once she’s started. How could she have let her sister down like that? Petunia had known that Lily couldn’t protect herself, and she had still left her. How could she have deserted Lily when she needed her most? She knows that Lily would never have deserted her, and it hurts even more. Petunia knows that Lily would have died for her. But Petunia, selfish Petunia, was unable to sacrifice herself for the one who was dearest to her.

What if Lily had been the one chosen for magic, she asks herself for the millionth time. What if she, Petunia, had been the Muggle, and Lily the one swept off into a world of witches, wizards and war? Would Lily be standing here now? Petunia knows the answer to that question: no. No, Lily would have chosen differently, Lily would have joined a better cause. Lily was brave. Petunia is useless.

Lily would have been a Gryffindor. Lily would have saved the Wizarding world. Petunia is going to help destroy it.

But maybe, if she helps the Dark Lord, Lily can be brought back. She knows he is the most powerful wizard of the day �” perhaps more powerful even than Dumbledore is. Maybe he can do what Dumbledore couldn’t. Maybe he can bring back the dead.

Why didn’t they choose Lily? Petunia doesn’t understand how she was the one chosen for such a gruesome adventure. Lily had always been the prettier, the cleverer, the perfect daughter.

Petunia was just ugly and useless. And now she has let her own sister, her own perfect sister, down. And so she will become a Death Eater.

A pang of terror tears through her heart as she considers the prospect. But if she couldn’t be brave for Lily to save her, maybe she can find the power to bring her back. To save her sister. And save herself, too.


Petunia suppresses a shriek as the figures appear out of nowhere. They surround her, and two of them grasp her upper arms.

“Time to go,” one whispers, and Petunia feels herself pulled into the tight tunnel that is apparation. Soon they reappear in a dark room.

In middle of all the Death Eaters, Petunia promises herself to stand tall. For Lily. She knows that Lily would have wanted her to face this bravely. But would Lily have wanted this at all? Petunia knows that Lily didn’t want to die.

Her promise doesn’t matter, anyway. As soon as she is escorted to the dungeons, she knows that she will break. She will fall and she will beg for acceptance and mercy. But that is as much for Lily as anything else.

Now here she stands. The Dark Lord’s eyes are merciless as they bore into her mind.

She is standing at King’s Cross, about to board the Hogwarts Express. Lily stands next to her. Silent tears are running down Lily’s face as her big sister gets on the train to join a new world forever.

“I love you, Tuney.”

“I love you, too, Lily.”

“Promise you’ll be back?”

“I promise. I’ll never forget you.”

“We’ll always be sisters?”

“Always, Lily. We’ll always be sisters and we’ll always be best friends.”

“Even though you’re going to be a witch, now?”

“Yes, Lily. Always and forever.”

“You’re sure about that? You promise? Always?”

“Always! I love you, little sister.”

“I love you, too, big sister.”

The Dark Lord is speaking to her, and it’s hard to hear him through the mist of memories clouding her mind. Taking all her courage and all the strength she has left, Petunia tries to listen.

“Why do you choose to join me today?”

Petunia knows she will not be able to take this strain much longer. But she must be strong. Must be strong…

“For Lily.”

Too late she realizes she has said the words aloud. The Dark Lord’s face, if that is what it can be called, fades in and out of focus, as Petunia battles the blackness that is threatening to overtake her.

“For Lily,” he hisses, menacing, mocking her.

Petunia is fifteen and sitting in the car on her way home from Hogwarts for the summer. Lily hasn’t said anything yet, and Petunia is afraid of what she will hear. Finally, Lily is the one brave enough to break the silence.

“Why didn’t you come home for Christmas this year, Petunia?”

“I’m sorry. There was a dance at school. I really didn’t want to miss it.”

“I was lonely.”

“Didn’t you make any plans? You’ve got friends, right?”

“I was waiting for you.”

“But I wrote you that I wasn’t coming.”

“I thought you would change your mind.”

“Well, did you at least get my present?”

“I didn’t open it.”

“Why not, Lily?”

“I was waiting for you, Petunia. We’re always together at Christmas.”

“Next year, then. Alright? I promise, next year. I love you, Lily.”

“Alright. Next year.”

“You’ll open my present as soon as we get home?”

“Okay, Petunia. I will. You’re still my big sister. I guess I’ll always love you.”

“How sweet.”

The Dark Lord makes no effort to hide the sarcasm, the distaste he feels for the memory he has just witnessed. It does not matter to him, what Petunia feels for Lily. Lily was just another Muggle. One of hundreds he has killed. Thousands, even. Petunia knows. She has seen many massacres.

Innocent people are running, Petunia is with them. Her friends are around her, but she feels far from safe. Petunia is terrified. She has lost sight of Lily amongst the other screaming Muggles. Petunia wants to save them all, but she knows now is not the time.

The Order of the Phoenix will take care of that, they are the heroes. She is only the hero for one person. And that person is the one she can’t find.

Finally, Petunia sees her. The fiery red hair gives her away, where she is hiding behind a trash bin. Five of the Death Eaters are surrounding her, and Petunia knows that Lily is scared, even if she refuses to cry.

She doesn’t know what to do. Petunia has never faced anything like this before. Just as she tries to decide, a Death Eater turns. He has seen her, and so has Lily.

“You can’t save me, Tuney! Just go!”

But the pleading, emerald eyes say otherwise. Petunia knows that Lily expects her big sister to save her again, save her like she has always done.

But if Petunia moves, the Death Eaters will kill her, too.

“No sense in both of you dying, kid. And you’re not the one we wanna play with. Just run away, we won’t follow.”

She’s my sister! The thought rings over and over in her head.

“Stay and you both die!” says another Death Eater, jumping up to approach her.

Petunia must decide. Die for Lily, or run and live? He is so close, she can smell his rancid breath. She is afraid. So afraid. Terrified. She can’t move a muscle.

“Run away!”

Finally, her instinct kicks in, and something clicks in her mind. Petunia turns and runs. Behind her she hears the cries of a tortured girl.

She was my sister! But Petunia can’t turn back now. It’s too late. Lily was defenseless. Lily was alone. Lily is dead.

Finally the torture is over. The Dark Lord has stopped asking her questions, left her mind to her own thoughts once more, and Petunia leans against the dungeon wall trying to recover from the mental assault.

She tries to smile confidently. But inside she is all a mess. She should have saved Lily! She should have! She should have died for Lily! But now she will do everything she can. Petunia hopes the Dark Lord is pleased with her.

In truth, though, Petunia doesn’t know if she’s even passed his tests. Maybe she is not satisfactory. A part of Petunia wishes that she isn’t. She knows that she shouldn’t be here. She is betraying Lily by being here. But no, she shouldn’t think like that. She is not betraying, but saving Lily, by being here. The Dark Lord will bring her sister back from the dead, and Lily will be so happy that she is alive again that she will forgive Petunia for letting her die and they will live happily together like they used to. Sisters. Sisters and best friends.

The Dark Lord approaches, and Petunia tries unsuccessfully to bring the simile from a moment ago, when she was thinking about Lily, back to her face. She rolls her sleeve up to reveal the patch of her skin where she will be branded.

Instead of raising the green iron he holds, though, the Dark Lord stares into Petunia’s eyes once more. She tries to make her mind blank, but fails dismally.

He smiles menacingly at Petunia’s feeble attempts at Occlumency. It’s odd, really, Occlumency had been one thing Petunia had always excelled in. But the grief �“ the betrayal! �“ must have made her lose the ability.

“What special knowledge or service do you hope to offer the Dark Lord for giving you the honor of being among his followers?” comes the sneering question.

Petunia doesn’t know what to say. She is not talented. She is not clever or sneaky. Not like Lily. Petunia knows that Lily could easily have answered that question: Lily was brilliant, Lily was talented, Lily was funny, Lily was beautiful. Petunia just isn’t.

Fearing the mental anguish of earlier in the ritual, Petunia tries to come up with something to say. Something to make him accept her, but something also that is true, for she knows he can tell if she is lying.

“Well?” asks one of the masked watchers surrounding Petunia and the Dark Lord.

Without even turning his head from Petunia, the Dark Lord points his wand at the Death Eater who spoke out of turn.

“Silence,” he hisses, “Crucio.”

Petunia knows that the Dark Lord is barely exerting himself, but the Death Eater writhes in pain, nonetheless.

“Answer me!” the Dark Lord says with a cold calm that sends shivers down Petunia’s spine.

“I…” she had hoped it wouldn’t come to this, but Petunia knows there is no choice now, “I can give you information on the Order. Be a spy.”

Though the Dark Lord shows no more emotion that usual, Petunia knows she has offered the right thing. The Death Eaters’ robes and voices rustle excitedly.

Of course she had known that those would be the magic words. Dumbledore had a feeling that the Dark Lord already had a spy �“ but she doesn’t know who that might be or if they even exist.

Petunia can’t smile though. She can’t help but think that this isn’t what Lily would have wanted. No! Petunia is saving Lily! But would Lily want to be saved at this price?

Petunia is beginning to have, perhaps not second, but tenth thoughts about this plan. It’s too late now, though. The Dark Lord comes close to her. So close she almost feels faint from this nearness. He lifts the hot poker to her arm, burning the betrayal into her flesh for all to see. Burning, burning. Petunia is surprised that smoke isn’t rising. It hurts. She screams. She screams and screams and screams. Her shrieks of pain ring on the dungeon walls, a perfect symphony with the cruel laughter of the Dark Lord.

“You’re one of us now, Petunia.”

Petunia awoke to a familiar face and a burning pain on her arm.

“You stupid girl! What did they tell you to make you do it?”

Petunia stared in shock at the hooked nose and greasy hair as she registered the strong arms supporting her.

“I… I… I’m sorry. It was stupid, wasn’t it? Stupid, stupid, stupid…”

She didn’t know anything except that she had betrayed the Order and even worse �“ far, far worse �“ betrayed Lily.

“It undoubtedly was! Now answer me. Tell me why you did it!”

“They killed Lily… I don’t know… I shouldn’t’ve joined… Murderers…”

It was hard for her to formulate any thoughts at all and she gnashed her teeth to suppress the scream of pain that threatened to break forth from her lips. But she remembered that she had no right to feel pain, not when Lily would never feel again and kept silent.

“Evans! What are you talking about?” he asked sharply, “What’s wrong with Lily? She can’t be dead, we’d know about it!”

“I… killed… Lily… Betrayed…”

“Is this what they told you? Is this what they made you believe?” His tone had changed from alarmed to something akin to pitying.

Petunia shook her head violently. Why wouldn’t he understand?

Suddenly she felt the pain go from her arm, all at once, leaving only a dull ache behind. As her mind was able to formulate coherent thoughts once again, it dawned on her what the pain must have meant.

“The Dark Mark?”

She twisted frantically, trying to check and see if she’d been branded. She couldn’t remember anything but pain. Then, slowly it all came back. The Death Eaters, You-Know-Who, her offer to spy on the Order, her desperation and confusion.

“What have I done?” she groaned, hit by the full force of the idiocy of her actions, “Severus, tell me I haven’t been branded! Tell me I imagined it…”

“You’ve imagined nothing �“ but neither have you been branded. The Dark Lord was beginning a test when he was called away. He had no intention of letting you join so easily. I must ask again, though, what made you do what you did?”

She heard contempt in his voice, but a strange sort of understanding as well. It did make sense, for she knew his story. He had been seduced by the Dark Arts, still in school. But when the Muggle killings had begun in earnest, or, more accurately, when he had witnessed Lily injured horribly (an injury that left her entire body covered in scars) he had turned back, joined the Order, joined Dumbledore, and turned spy. You-Know-Who still believed Snape to be a loyal Death Eater, but the Order knew better. Petunia had known him for far longer than that, though.

She had always been aware of him merely as the “dirty boy who lived down Spinner’s End” but when her magic had begun to show, Severus had told her what it meant. Throughout their childhood he had been there to help her, though he had always been more Lily’s friend. Severus and Lily had spent hours playing in secret worlds of make-believe that Petunia couldn’t grasp, even though she was the witch and Lily the Muggle.

“Petunia!”

She was well aware of how long he had been waiting, but it was too painful for her to say it. Too painful for her to admit that Lily was gone �“ dead �“ and that it was her own fault. Finally she could make him wait no longer; Petunia had to make him understand.

“They got Lily,” was all she could bring herself to say.

“Yes they did. How did you…?”

Now Petunia was confused. How could he be taking this so lightly? And hadn’t he said just a minute ago that he didn’t know that Lily was dead?

“I saw it! I saw the curse… I saw it all and I didn’t help… I left her, I betrayed her, Severus. Kill me, Severus. I betrayed her…”

“No. No, you don’t understand. She is alive, Petunia, she is captured. But they must have… You saw her, did you say? And you betrayed her? But you know you would never…”

“But I did! I did!”

Petunia couldn’t help it; she broke down and sobbed uncontrollably into his shoulder. She knew that she didn’t deserve even his awkward comfort, but she wanted to cry herself dry and she wanted to cease to exist. To exchange her life for Lily’s.

“Petunia! Listen to me,” he stated firmly, “Your memory has been tampered with, I’m sure of it. There’s a simple spell. Wait…”

He murmured an incantation and waved his wand in a loose sort of way and Petunia felt as though a warm breeze had blown right through her brain.

“Yes… A very good job, though. You’ll need St. Mungo’s to restore your correct memory. Listen carefully. The memory is false! Lily is alive but captured and you need to help us to retrieve her. Understood?”

Numbly Petunia nodded. And then it registered. Lily was alive! The notion filled her with an unbridled happiness, the likes of which she had never before felt, not even when she was first accepted to Hogwarts. Lily was alive! Lily was alive! Somewhere out there, alive, and breathing! But she still needed to be saved. Lily was alive. Alive… but captured.

“What do you know?” she asked, wanting to get started right away.

Severus looked relieved.

“You’ll have to come back to headquarters… And, Petunia, I haven’t told anyone what exactly you were willing to do to get Lily back. No one knows you tried to join him... I just have to say that nothing the Death Eaters promise will come true, not the way you want it. They lie and deceive and, no matter what, they are the enemy. I will not tell anyone of your… bad judgment… But you must swear never to look to them for help again. Swear it.”

It was said like a command, yet Petunia felt as though she could say no. Still, she knew that he was right and that she had been horribly weak to attempt to gain the trust of the Death Eaters.

“I swear. Now, let’s go find Lily.”

Severus had stayed true to his word and hadn’t said anything to any of the Order members, but Petunia still felt a horrible stone of guilt in the pit of her stomach. Now that she knew Lily to be alive she recognized the horrible consequences there would have been if she had gone through with her terrible and barely thought-out plan.

Petunia was still acutely aware that she had gone too far, and even more aware of the fact that she had endangered the Order beyond belief, and the worst part was that she wasn’t sure if she wouldn’t do it again �“ do anything to get her sister back if she were ever harmed again. If it were Petunia’s fault. But no, she reminded herself, Lily isn’t hurt! Still, Petunia knew she was fast becoming a liability and, quite apart from having a burning desire to save her sister, Petunia was ready to go to any lengths to prove her loyalty to the Order �“ both to the others and to herself.

She just hoped she would be ready for whatever she would have to face. Petunia had always exceeded expectations academically at school �“ she’d had to suffer many a remark on her being a Mudblood for it. But there was a certain bravery that Lily had always had that Petunia had just as strongly lacked.

Petunia recalled a family picnic long ago. She remembered being terrified of the many bugs and hiding behind her mother. And Lily being brave and going to squish the insects for her. Even though she was the older sister and had always felt very protective of Lily, when it came down to it, it seemed Lily was just far more capable.

That was why everyone had been so surprised when it was Petunia who had received a letter from a mysterious magical school, and Lily hadn’t. Her parents had been shocked, but proud to have a witch in the family. They had expected Lily to get a letter, too, when she turned eleven, they had expected her to outshine Petunia once again. But the letter had never come. Petunia had been just as shocked. Though, she had to admit, she, Petunia, had always been the one to whom strange things happened, not Lily. Perhaps it was supposed to be like this, she had had mused.

Despite the seemingly horrible injustice, Lily had never resented Petunia for being a witch �“ Lily had always loved her big sister just the same. It had hurt them both that Petunia was gone for so long, and Petunia knew that it would have been very easy for Lily to become jealous and bitter. Lily never did.

And so Petunia had gone through seven years of magical training at Hogwarts, becoming a witch. She had to admit, though only to herself, that it was indeed a magical time being at Hogwarts, where there was no Lily to outshine her. Of course she missed her little sister. Still, she reveled in never being compared to someone who would always outdo her.

School had always been fun for Petunia, though never simple. She’d worked hard to be a good student and she’d received top marks for her efforts. Still, there had been time for friends, not many, but a dear few. Petunia had always been a bit of a loner, never popular with anyone who could be considered cool. She’d had studies and enough close friends to make life wonderful, though, and thought that her character might have been helped along some by facing certain small disadvantages. In any case, the Hogwarts days were the best of her life.

Then, of course, she’d been thrust out into the real world. A world of war, and she was right in the middle, working for the Order of the Phoenix. That had only been a little more than a year ago, although to Petunia it seemed like much longer.

And so, here she was, sitting in the Headquarters next to Severus, who had only graduated from Hogwarts a few months ago himself, waiting to receive instructions and letting her huge mistake go through her head again. I’m not a liability, she tried to tell herself, and Lily is alive anyway! It wasn’t having much effect. Lily’s death �“ Petunia’s betrayal �“ seemed so real! And the encounter with the Death Eaters, though almost equally horrifying, really had been real. Petunia suppressed a shudder and turned her attention to Mad-Eye Moody. He was an important figure in the war against You-Know-Who, and a bit of a frightening character to the younger members, Petunia included.

Petunia and Severus had already spoken to a few of the Order members �“ Mad-Eye was the one who would be giving them instructions, it seemed.

“We’re waiting for the rest,” he stated gruffly, looking keenly into the two expectant faces.

Petunia turned to Severus in surprise. He seemed just as shocked as she was.

“The rest?” he asked quietly, but Mad-Eye ignored him and continued to pace.

Finally four men �“ boys, really �“ entered the room. They were all laughing, enjoying some joke no doubt told by the two who walked in the center. Two dark-haired, brown-eyed, pureblood, jovial boys. Petunia felt Severus tense up next to her and she tensed, too, though for an entirely different reason.

The Marauders. James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew. Petunia had been at school with them, a year higher and in a different house. The four had graduated recently, at the same time as Severus, and had joined the Order, but she hadn’t seen much of any of them. She wouldn’t have had much to do with them at all �“ except for one tiny detail.

As James gazed at her, Petunia felt little shocks go through her entire body, and butterflies erupt in her stomach. Ever since the moment she had first set eyes on James Potter, this feeling had been there. Ever since her second year, when she had watched him be eagerly sorted, she had wanted nothing more than for him to notice her. But he never had.

Petunia had spent her years at Hogwarts daydreaming of James, nightdreaming of James, and watching James whenever she got the chance, and every second growing more and more infatuated. Dreamily euphoric, Petunia stared at James.

Severus, on the other hand, was far less thrilled with the new arrivals. He and the others glared at each other. Petunia remembered that they had been rivals at school �“ having watched James as often as she did, she had witnessed confrontations between the Marauders and Severus. It looked to her as if they haven’t gotten over their shared animosity any more than she had gotten over her great love. Her crush, really.

“All right. Now that we’re all here,” Mad-Eye started, shooting a death glare at the four late arrivals, “I can give you your instructions. We don’t have much information, but we know that Voldemort has captured valuable fighters and is holding them hostage. Marlene McKinnon, Andrea Smithson, Alice Longbottom, Susana Finch. A few Muggles.”

Petunia felt a surge of anger that this wasn’t about Lily at all �“ Lily was only one of “a few Muggles”. She sensed that Severus felt the same, but when he opened his mouth to speak, his tone was perfectly civil, if a little derogatory.

“They are all female purebloods? And the Muggles female as well, I presume?”

Mad-Eye nodded, apparently glad someone had caught on so fast.

“Yes. And we don’t know why. It’s not like Him to be so selective, and we suspect there’s something behind it all. You are to find out what he’s planning �“ and to save the hostages, if possible. It’ll be tough, but Dumbledore seems to think you’re up to this. Just remember at all times … CONSTANT VIGILANGE!”

Everyone jumped out of his (or in Petunia’s case her) seat as Moody ended with an exclamation.

“All right, now you six are to all work together…”

“NO!” came an outcry from Sirius, James and Severus as one.

Petunia and Remus shared an embarrassed glance. Petunia was glad it wouldn’t just be her and the passions of two conflicting parties. Both Remus and Peter seemed a bit more level-headed and self-controlled than their friends.

Then again, his passion, his life, his spark were what Petunia loved James for, really. It was his strength that appealed to her and she almost sighed aloud at the thought, before mentally kicking herself at the absurdity of the cliché musings.

Mad-Eye gave the three mutinous boys another glower.

“Fine. I can give this job to many other witches and wizards who are far more qualified than any of you.”

Even though Petunia doubted that this was true �“ the Order was at a huge loss, fighting almost ten to one against the Death Eaters, currently �“
a loud protest came from all six teens.

“Well then learn to work together. Now, listen closely to your briefing. We have inside information that the hostages are being kept in the Alps. In a place that is hard to find and impenetrable by magic, but you will have to get through the defenses somehow. If you survive the trip there at all. Because you obviously can’t apparate, and we don’t know the location. You have to find it and get there �“ in a non-magical fashion. Once you’re there you’re all on your own. You have to remember that you’ll be depending on each other, so trust each other. And only each other! Most important is CONSTANT VIGILANCE!”

With these words Mad-Eye left the six alone. They were all still collecting their nerves from Mad-Eye’s idea of a good farewell and from the news that they would be working together.

Finally, Remus broke the ice.

“Well,” he said and faltered before continuing, “Well, we should get started on something.”

Peter squeaked his agreement and Petunia nodded, glancing nervously at James. He didn’t even notice her gaze, as he was still too busy staring angrily at Severus.

“Snivellous, if you think you’re taking charge, think again,” Sirius said threateningly, as Severus opened his mouth to speak.

“And who will take charge then? You, emotional Black? Or arrogant Potter? Or the we…”

His cold, mocking sentence was cut off by a silencing spell from James. Though Petunia knew on some level that all three men were equally to blame, she felt a surge of happiness that James was making things better. Severus really had been out of order, she decided. James had done what was right. As always. She wondered idly if she would ever be right for him.

Remus stepped forward, waved his wand at Severus to enable him to speak once more and opened his own mouth before Severus could make use of his reinstated ability.

“Look. None of us like this.”

Petunia noticed Severus glaring at Remus as though he, too, had been as rash as Sirius. And there seemed to be a trace of fear in his look, as well. Petunia didn’t understand, and for a second she wanted to find out what the secret was that they all seemed to share. But she pushed her curiosity to the back of her mind �“ an incredible feat, really, for one so nosy �“ and listened closely, hoping that Remus would make things simpler.

“We have to deal with it,” he was continuing, “the lives of innocent people �“ good people! �“ are at stake here. We have to find them. We have to save them. I don’t know about you,” here his eyes traveled over Sirius and James with a somewhat disappointed expression, “but I think that saving them should be our only priority.”

“And staying alive,” Peter added nervously.

That did it. The Marauders and Petunia laughed easily, and Severus uncrossed his arms and at least looked ready to listen.

Petunia decided to pose the most important question.

“Does anyone know where to start looking? The Alps are big…”

The blank looks she received were a bad sign, she knew. But still. They were going to save Lily, Petunia was sure of it. She couldn’t help grinning.