The Ravenclaw Quibbler – Volume I

Welcome to the first edition of the Ravenclaw Quibbler! This month’s issue delves into the topic of mythical creatures and features articles, interviews, and editorials by the members of Ravenclaw House. We hope you enjoy our exploration of the wizarding magazine often referred to as “rubbish� and “trite.� We find Luna’s favorite magazine a fascinating look into the wizarding world, and wish you happy reading as well!


To The Editor
myownmuggle
Ratings and Warnings: 1st-2nd Years/None


To the Editor of The Quibbler:

I was most disturbed by the recent announcement by so-called Muggle scientists. Pluto, long regarded as the most important of the solar system’s planets, is utterly critical to the survival of the endangered Umgubular Slashkilter. And, as you well know my esteemed sir, the Umgubular Slashkilter is essential to the survival of our beloved turnip industry. Accordingly, the Umgubular Slashkilter was afforded special protection by the Ministry of Magic under a secret act passed more that four hundred years ago. The unique chemicals found in the Umgubular Slashkilter’s spoor and decomposing remains provides the solitary fertilizer which allows turnips to grow in this part of the world.

The Umgubular Slashkilter lives the majority of its life in a single patch or field of turnips, providing essential nutrients and enriching the soil. The Umgubular Slashkilter leaves its patch toward the end of its life to return to the field where it was born in order to conduct it’s highly secretive mating rituals. (See our special insert at pages seven and eight for rare photographs of the Umgubular Slashkilter and it’s migration and mating rituals.) I have been advised by reliable sources in the Department for Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures that this is very much like the spawning of salmon in the Muggle world. Once the Umgubular Slashkilter completes its mating ritual, the female kills and eats her partner before laying her precious cargo of eggs. The female dies and its body protects the eggs by an odor, which keeps away predators. The female’s body also nourishes the young turnip plants.

The eggs, of course, hatch and the next generation of Umgubular Slashkilters migrate to the turnip fields in far flung corners of Britain. So the cycle of fertilization, life, and death continues and allows witches and wizards everywhere to feast on turnips year-round. The turnip’s roots and leaves are also known to have great medicinal properties.

This cycle of migration and mating only occurs when Pluto rises in the proper house and aspect. Sibyll Trelawney, Professor of Divination at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, has been quoted as saying that any changes in planetary status could have detrimental and devastating atmospheric effects.

Unless we can protect Pluto’s status, the delicate life cycle of the Umgubular Slashkilter will suffer severe side effects. This will create a ripple effect causing the extinction of a cherished resident of the magical world and a beloved root vegetable.

The Ministry’s apparent lack of reaction to the recent announcement is most unseemly. We must take action ourselves to safeguard the Umgubular Slashkilter. Please sir, help us defend the Umgubular Slashkilter by calling for Pluto’s restoration to planet status. By doing so, you will be protecting one of our most valuable industries.

A rally in support of P.U.S.S. (Protect the Umgubular Slashkilter Society) will be held in Diagon Alley on Thursday at half past three in the afternoon.

Archie Niles Aberforth
President, P.U.S.S.
RC Turnips Ltd.

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How Far Will Fudge Go to Regain Power and
What Does it Have to Do With Heliopaths?
Emily_the_poet
Rating and Warnings: Conspiracy theories and brief mentions of character death


Heliopaths… Have you ever seen one? I highly doubt it, as all who see it don’t tell the tale, for they have been driven mad by the blinding light of the sight that is the life force of a Heliopath. However, have you ever come across a burn that rips straight across your front yard? Have you ever found bits of ash around your neighbourhood that just couldn’t be explained?

I have it from an inside source (who wished to remain anonymous) from the Ministry of Magic that the very Heliopaths that we trust the Ministry of Magic to protect us from, have indeed been used for selfishness and political gain!

How exactly have they been misused you ask? The burning of Rufus Scrimgeour’s home this past month was clearly the work of a Heliopath. The entire surrounding area was scorched to smithereens. The house went up so fast that it could have only been the work of Heliopaths! The walls were crushed under the heat he foundations crumbled from the heat. Regretfully, his wife and visiting children were killed quickly, and bodies are yet to be found. The Minister was working late at this time and remains unharmed.
Now this could easily be the work of You-Know-Who, but does You-Know-Who have a ministry spokesperson willing to sit down with him? Again, the spokesperson wished to remain anonymous, but during a cup of tea and some biscuits, this reporter got the man to loosen his lips. The conversation that ensued was somewhere along the lines of this:

Spokesperson: I shouldn’t even be hear right now, but the truth needs to be known.(is a bit jittery)

Marty Davis: It’s okay; just tell me when you’re ready.

Sp: It’s kind of hard to say anything… I’ve been quiet so long. I was fired last week, (muttering unintelligibly, but something about no freedom of speech and conspiracy is barely heard) and when I tried to tell the Daily Prophet they just laughed in my face. At least the Quibbler will listen.

MD: That’s our job; to listen to stories that no one else will.

Sp: (Smiling) I’d hoped so. Anyways, I was down in the break room last Tuesday, before those jerks fired me that is, when I saw a security troll letting someone without a key into the vaults. I can’t say who it was; I don’t know, but there was something off about that man. He gave me a strange feeling in my back. I got arthritis you see, but that’s in my fingers. I felt it in my spine. When I came out of the break room a few minutes later, I went to the troll and asked him about it. All he’d do was grunt at me, stupid brute. Anyways, I saw Fudge, you know the old minister, come out of the vault a few minutes later. He seemed a bit fatter when he went out than when he went in, if you catch my drift.

MD: Are you accusing Fudge of six counts of murder and arson too?

Sp: No, oh heavens no, but I might be saying that he “accidentally� “dropped� one of the jars that held a Heliopath and it “accidentally� shattered unleashing the Heliopath. All this was an accident of course. (Winks)

MD: Is this why you believe Fudge has been missing?

Sp: I think he miscalculated the power of a Heliopath and was coincidentally incinerated.

MD: Seems a bit far to go for a bit of power doesn’t it?

Sp: (Conspiratorial whisper) How should I know? I never had much power. However, how would you feel if you were on top of the ministry one day and had it all ripped out from under you the next? Fudge fell hard. Maybe he was a bit hurt when he got back up… Maybe he wanted to hurt the bully?

MD: Oh Mr. (name omitted) my poor little heart just can’t take it… maybe we could continue this discussion at a later date?

Sp: That would be fine, mademoiselle…


As you can see, what was supposed to be a brief interview quickly turned into a conversation rife with conspiracy and unproven accusations. The very thought of Fudge, whom I have met and who seemed quite stable at the time, harming anything makes my heart flutter.

Either way, be on the lookout for Heliopaths in your neighbourhood. They are very dangerous and should be avoided at all costs.

Marty Davis,
Signing off

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An Account of the Validation of the Existence
of the Creature Known as the Wrackspurt
Chaser74
Rating and Warnings: 1st-2nd years/None
A/N: All spelling variations and language errors when spoken by Ms. Valerie Vickson are deliberate.


So little is known about the allusive beast we call the Wrackspurt. Previous research has concluded that it is an invisible animal that only makes itself known by floating into its victim’s ear and interrupting their train of thought. “It made my brain go all fuzzy,� recounts Valerie Vickson, who claims to have encountered a Wrackspurt on at least five occasions.

“What led you to believe that it was a Wrackspurt affecting you, Ms. Vickson?� I ask. She looks vaguely uncomfortable.

“I felt somethin’ wrigglin’ around in me ears. Then, suddenly, I can’t remember what I was doin’, or even thinkin’ about. Very annoying, it be.� I nod at her.

“I would suspect it is. Could you describe the sensation further?�

“Prickly. Pins and needles that make their way up into me head and into me thoughts.�

“That does sound uncomfortable. You say you have come across several Wrackspurts. Could you-“

“Rather they have come across me.�

“Yes. Anyways, as I was saying, do you think there is a way that we could actually see them?� At this question, she appears thoughtful.

“Well, me grandfather did make somethin’…� I am intrigued.

“Yes? It is it a spell? A potion? I myself have been experimenting with certain colored fungi that when fed to a Wrackspurt may-“

“Whoa, slow down, Missy. Nah, ain’t either of those. Special glasses he made. Wrackvision, he called. A bit cuckoo, me grandfather.� Despite the fact that Mr. Vickson senior may have, in fact, been insane, I’m interested in this Wrackvision.

“Wrackvision?� I question.

“’Twas called that, yes.�

“Could you elaborate?�

“Glasses, I believe they were. Put ‘em on, you see the Wrackies.�

“Any ideas on how they worked?�

“Nah, and I doubt they even did. Grandpa was crazy, remember?� I am dejected, but not completely disheartened.

“Is there anything else you could tell me about the Wrackspurt?� I go in for one last piece of information.

“Don’t know much about the Wrackies, ‘cept for they keep gettin’ in me ears. I’ve told you all I know.� She is growing agitated, and I suspect my welcome is wearing thin.

“Thank you for your time, Ms. Vickson. I’ll let myself out.�

~*~

Ms. Vickson is an example of one of the hundreds of people who have encountered the Wrackspurt, yet the Ministry refuses to acknowledge its existence. This may or may not be because of the Wrackspurt’s invisibility; however I attribute it to ignorance. Now, they will have a hard time refuting the evidence of the Wrackspurt’s credibility, because I present to you, readers of the Quibbler, proof of a living Wrackspurt.
Now, you are probably wondering how in the world I got such an exclusive picture of a creature that is said to be invisible. Well, through thorough study of magical fungi and their properties, I concocted a potion that when fed to a Wrackspurt, will cause not them, but their young, to turn entirely visible. Placements of this potion throughout Ms. Valerie Vickson’s home yielded to her discovery of nearly ten visible baby Wrackspurts.

With time, I hope to gain a greater knowledge of the Wrackspurts and their ways. I have taken some of the young into captivity for observation, which so far has been quite informative. I hope that my study sheds light on the misunderstood specie of the Wrackspurt. In next month’s Quibbler will be a follow-up piece on the well-being of the baby Wrackspurts.

Allison Darcy, the Quibbler

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The Christmas That Almost Wasn't
Gmariam
Rating and Warnings: 1st - 2nd years / None


Nargle Infestation Attacks Local Muggle Village.

The Ministry of Magic had its hands full this past winter weekend as both the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures and the Department of Magical Accidents and Catastrophes were called to the Muggle village of Ottery St. Catchpole in Devon to deal with an infestation of nargles.

“It was the worst we’ve ever seen,� said head of the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures Newt Scamander III. “We needed six handlers to deal with the nargles alone, not to mention a team from both the Accidental Magical Reversal Squad and the Obliviator Division to contain the exposure.�

Nargles, as most wizarding children know, are tiny creatures that live in clumps of mistletoe. They are often confused with both pixies and fairies, though upon closer examination they bear little resemblance to either. They are usually six to eight inches tall and may be red, white, or green in color, allowing them to blend in with the mistletoe. They have the head of pixie, the large insectoid wings of the fairy, and the furry body of a puffskien. Like the puffskein, they prefer to scavenge for their food, and emit a low humming noise when content. But like the pixie, nargles delight in practical jokes, particularly on unsuspecting Muggles who have brought them into their homes.

Muggles have developed the curious habit of taking mistletoe and tying it into sprigs which they hang about their house during the Christmas season. According to their popular myths, a couple discovered standing underneath one of these sprigs is obliged to kiss each other. The custom has spread to many wizarding houses as well, though mistletoe is more often found in the potions cupboard than in the doorway.

According to sources at the scene, a local Muggle shop had procured a large number of sprigs and distributed them throughout the village. Strange reports of nargle attacks began to surface immediately. A young couple who had decorated their home with the contaminated mistletoe awoke the next day to find their entire house repainted and rearranged by a particularly large infestation. A woman who claimed to be attacked by “holiday-colored pygmy bats� was admitted to the local hospital with her hair braided in one hundred knots. A small child was carried away by pack of the pests who had taken a liking to her. When found by local police, the girl claimed to have “flown away with the pretty butterflies.�

“It’s as bad as it gets,� said Arthur Weasley, a wizarding resident from just outside Ottery St. Catchpole. He alerted officials to the problem when his twin sons returned home with an infested sprig and tales of Muggle mayhem in the village.

“The locals were wigging out,� said George Weasley, describing his experience. “There was a run on food and water as people left town as fast as they could, with nargles chasing after them throwing berries at their backs.�

The mass evacuation of the village made the job particularly difficult for the Department of Magical Accidents and Catastrophes. The Accidental Magic Reversal Squad was called in to provide cover: residents were informed by trained wizards that runoff from the local chemical plant had resulted in the mutation of a number of harmless birds. They were encouraged to return to the village, where they were immediately seen by the Obliviator Division. Each and every member of the village had their memory modified. They were then given a pill and told that the dummy medication would protect against any disease the “birds� might be carrying.

As for the nargles themselves, the Pest Division rounded them up and they were released back into a protected magical sanctuary in the north. The contaminated mistletoe was burned. Officials are still trying to track down the initial source of the infestation. Preliminary reports point to the possibility of a deliberate attack. Just this morning, confidential sources report, a letter was received at the Ministry from a man calling himself “The Grinch.� He indicated that he would continue his attack on Muggle holidays, particularly Christmas, until all cause for joy and celebration was eliminated in the Muggle World. When pressed for details, the Ministry spokesman this reporter talked with denied the existence of such a letter. But our confidential sources tell us that the case has received top priority in the Auror division.

“It’s a shame,� said Arthur Weasley, a member of the Misuse of Muggle Artifacts Office and supporter of the recent Muggle Protection Act. “To think that one of our kind would wish to cause deliberate harm to a Muggle is so disheartening. They are fascinating people with unique customs and the wizarding community should respect their world and leave it in peace.�

When asked what he thought of the mysterious “Grinch,� Fred Weasley suggested that perhaps it was all a joke in good fun. “No one was seriously hurt, after all,� he said.

Steps are being taken to ensure similar problems do not arise over the course of the remaining holiday season, but ministry officials were not forthcoming on specific details. “The Ministry feels strongly that it is our duty to protect the Muggle world as well as the wizarding world from pest invasions of this magnitude. It is taking every possible precaution to ensure the safety of all British citizens,� said a Ministry spokesman in a statement released this morning.

This reporter wonders if the so-called “Grinch� may be hoping to throw another wrench in the Muggle Protection Act, or if there are darker connections to recent Death Eater activity. But it seems more likely that it is merely some small-minded wizard, green with envy and tired of sitting home alone on Christmas, hoping to spread his ill will among others. If so, the wizarding world will need more than a Muggle Protection Act to protect against the hard feelings of such a sad, sorry creature.


The Ravenclaw Quibbler, Volume I

The Ravenclaw Quibbler – Volume II

Welcome to the second edition of the Ravenclaw Quibbler! This month’s issue covers Halloween in both the magical and Muggle worlds. We hope you enjoy our exploration of the wizarding magazine often referred to as “rubbish� and “trite.� We find Luna’s favorite magazine a fascinating look into the wizarding world, and wish you happy reading as well!


Practical Joke--or New Disease?
spottedcat83
Ratings/Warnings: 1st-2nd years/None

A strange new disease seems to be sweeping the Wizarding world. As of yet, healers have not given it a name, and in fact, when a reporter from The Quibbler confronted Healer Squigmark of Saint Mungo's, Squigmark laughed hysterically and commented, "You can't take a joke, can you? Better be careful what shops you visit in Diagon Alley!"

Another healer was overheard commenting, "Is that bloke from The Quibbler? Can he spell Q-U-I-B-B-L-E-R?"

And Healer Squigmark answered, "Can he spell P-R-A-N-K?"

But this new disease is no laughing matter, as those struck with it will attest. The latest sufferer is Kalema Spokes, 32, from Searchlight, Arizona, in the U.S. Spokes was in London visiting a cousin, Malfora Wiggins. On October 31, Spokes visited several shops on Diagon Alley, including Madam Malkin's Robes for All Occasions, Clementti's Fine Used Apparel, and Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes, and when she returned to Wiggens' home that afternoon, Spokes was covered with mouldy-looking green warts.

"It's a disease," Spokes asserted to The Quibbler. "I think I picked it up at Madam Malkin's, and I don't think anybody should shop there anymore. Look at me; I can't even go out in public! How am I going to go to the Halloween ball at the Firkin's place looking like this? I think Madam Malkin owes me an apology, and I don't think she should charge me for that black robe I bought in her shop, because I won't even be able to go to the ball."

Madam Malkin states that nobody caught any kind of disease from her shop, and that Spokes ought to discuss the matter with the kids who own Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes. When The Quibbler asked to examine Malkin's shop with a spiropikofliziscreemeter, Malkin responded by closing the door of her shop in the reporter's face and turning out the "closed" side of her open/closed sign.

The Quibbler wished to follow all leads, and the reporter visited Clementti's and Weasley's shops. The shop girl at Clementti's was going over the clothing on racks with a noisy apparatus that looked like a filbokrinker, and as she never turned this apparatus off, her answers to the reporters questions were, "We don't carry books here, sorry," and "We've got a few nice sets of dress robes left, sure, but you're a little too wide for what we've got."

The Quibbler spoke with Mr. Fred Weasley and Mr. George Weasley in their shop, Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes, where customers were purchasing large numbers of small pumpkin-shaped candies which screamed at intervals. When Mr. Weasley and Mr. Weasley were asked about this new disease and the possibility that their shop could harbor it, they laughed loudly. "Now, really, does this look like a shop where people could pick up a bad case of green warts?" Mr. George Weasley asked.

The Quibbler will continue to observe these three shops, and will pay particular attention to Madam Malkin's and Clementti's Fine Used Apparel, as neither of these businesses answered our questions to our satisfaction.

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Halloween: Madness or Conspiracy?
Mind_over_Matter
Ratings/Warnings: 1st-2nd years/None

We are all aware of the Muggle community’s crazy ideas concerning Halloween as a holiday. We have all heard about ridiculous traditions that seem to involve costumes, sweets, door-to-door begging of some sort and mysterious dances of yet unknown origin. For decades, Muggle customs have befuddled the Wizarding world, including those pertaining to Halloween, and we all put it down to a simple case of Muggle madness.

BUT IS IT?

New evidence has come to light, which suggests that everything we have been taught to believe is, in fact, false. Says Ms. Marinta Mimbleton of Kent, ‘I won’t tell you who first introduced me to the idea, but I have it from a trustworthy source that there is more to the customs and celebration of Muggle Halloween. They picked up our tradition of mutilating innocent pumpkins beyond repair, and there’s just got to be reasoning behind it… I can absolutely confirm that almost everything we take for ‘truth’ is more than a little dodgy.’

Researching the history of Muggle Halloween traditions brings up an intricate web of well-woven ‘facts’, referring to things such as the practice celebrating the dead.

BUT IS IT TRUTH?

The answer to this question is a resounding ‘no’. The Muggles can’t even agree whether the holiday is ‘All Hallows Day’ or ‘All Saints Day’! Clearly, a foul plot is afoot.
Thankfully, Ms. Mimbleton was able to shed some light onto the issue. ‘What you’ve got to understand,’ she explained to reporters, ‘is that Muggles are really… well, stupid! Halloween was invented by a wizard hundreds of years ago, along with the ridiculous traditions that come with it. You can bet Rufus ‘Immortal Blood-Sucker’ Scrimgeour is behind this one! My reliable source confirms that the entire creation of Halloween was just a ploy to trick Muggles and wizards alike into destroying their very own vegetables. First it was turnips, I feel sure it was mushrooms at some point, and now it’s pumpkins! The whole thing is just disgraceful, and the Ministry should be ashamed!’

Of course, this is not the first plot concocted by the Ministry to rob the world of vegetables that should rightly be eaten (or, failing that, go rotten and at least provide extra nutrients for the soil of our very own gardens).

Dating back over the past century, villainy against vegetables has been conducted by the very questionably trustworthy Ministry of Magic. Mr. Robert Roberts recalls:
‘I remember the Great Vegetable Heist of ’43. We didn’t think much of it to start with, but when your veggies started sprouting legs and skipping right out of the kitchen, you couldn’t ignore it! As it turns out, I think it was a curse, but I don’t know who was behind it – it could have been Grindelwald or the Ministry, or maybe my ex-wife really is the villainess I always suspected her to be…’

No matter who was behind the Great Vegetable Heist of 1943, one can hardly avoid being suspicious, especially when considering the connection between that and other vegetable related crimes, and the Halloween pumpkin tradition that is sweeping the world. Thus, when you walk down a Muggle street lined with the shells of what once were perfectly good, sound pumpkins, remember the true nature behind this tradition, and perhaps we can combat against the Ministry’s endless lies.

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Corruption of a Sacred Tradition
An Editorial by Archie Niles Aberforth
myownmuggle
Ratings/Warnings:1st-2nd years/None

This year, as I prepare to light a great bonfire on All Hallow’s Eve, I will grieve for the loss and corruption of the most magical night known to the wizarding community. I speak, of course, of what is most commonly called Halloween. I should like to cite several examples of the Ministry of Magic, which have allowed the Muggle community to infiltrate and pollute our beloved night.

Muggles have adopted what they call costumes. They assume varying forms of wizard clothing or imitate the appearance of creatures such as Goblins, Inferi, or Ghosts and perform tricks or play games in pitiful attempts to cadge sweets from residents of their villages. I cannot fathom why Muggle parents allow and even encourage such inappropriate behaviour from their children! In many cases, these so-called tricks result in destruction. Magical children would never behave in such a manner.

Muggles have also stolen a number of symbols unique to the wizarding world. They believe, for example, that a witch wearing a pointed hat, seated astride a broom, is a symbol of evil. While we know that there are dark witches, any self-respecting witch or wizard knows it is not practical to wear such a hat while riding a broom. (Please see page 17 for a recent roster of known dark witches and wizards. Includes photographs of Death Eaters!) The Ministry of Magic has even allowed Muggles to adopt our most beloved custom of carving mangelwuerzels and turnips. Although the Muggles have managed to corrupt even this tradition by carving insignificant pumpkins. Muggles call them jack-o-lanterns. Little do they know that the namesake was a dark wizard named John Milford Malfoy who was sentenced to Azkaban several centuries ago for his trickery of the Wizards Council. (Please see our insert on pages 15 and 16 for the Malfoy Family Tree.)

My personal favourite, though, is other absurdities the Ministry has allowed the Muggle community to perpetuate. Muggles in Ireland sometimes sprinkle salt in the hair of their children to guard against evil. Everyone knows that a potion made from the essence of dittany and lovage is the proper precaution. Young Muggle women also apparently believe that if they are able to peel an apple in one long paring and throw it over their shoulder, the shape it takes will reveal the name of the man they are to marry. It must be the skin of a turnip, not an apple! Muggles in other countries place white stones near their fireplaces on Halloween night. If the stone remains in place the next morning, it is believed that the person who placed the stone will live another year.

My dear friends, we cannot allow the Ministry or the Muggle community to continue to perpetuate these myths as they are an aberration. So I beg you, my friends, light your bonfires on this night. Protect and celebrate our most sacred and honoured of all holidays.

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Hang Halloween!
An editorial by Ima Pickletoad
Gmariam
Ratings/Warnings: 1st-2nd years/None

I’ve had it. I am tired of becoming an object of ridicule once a year. I am tired of seeing Muggles decorate their homes with spider webs and graves, of watching them dress up as witches and wizards, ghosts and goblins. I am offended, and I wholeheartedly move for the immediate cessation of that abominable holiday known as Halloween.

The Muggles have it all wrong: Halloween isn’t about dressing up, eating candy, and playing tricks. It used to be a solemn holiday, a day marking the thinning of the veil between our world and the next. It used to be a day for reinforcing the boundaries and protections that separated our worlds, and for setting store for the coming winter months. It was a time of quiet celebration, not of debauchery and mockery.

When did we become such laughing stocks? Why do Muggles delight in their pointed hats and warts? Why do they insist on black cloaks and wispy brooms? I myself am free of warts, prefer a beret as my head covering of choice, wear colorful robes and wouldn’t be caught dead with a Comet 260. Wizarding folk have become a source of amusement and merriment for the Muggles, and it is high time we stood up for our image.

The Ministry of Magic must end its shameless encouragement of this disgusting Muggle holiday. Every witch and wizard knows the Ministry has promoted Halloween as a cover-up for the truth, going so far as to invest thousands in costume shops and haunted houses across the country in an effort to steer the Muggles away from the wizarding community. The Ministry sits back year after year as horrible pranks are played each October on unsuspecting witches and wizards; last year my lovely home was debased with a combination of rotten eggs and toilet paper. As the Minister for Magic sits on his throne, counting the Galleons raked in from the Muggle obsession with candy, pumpkins, and something called silly string, the ordinary witch or wizard is left struggling with an image of themselves that is embarrassing and unhealthy.

I believe the Ministry should end its support of this baseless holiday. If the Ministry will not relent, then they must allow us to at least protect ourselves on this dark night and cast spells that will keep the Muggles and their insulting costumes and pranks away from our homes. We must not allow the Muggles to continue dressing as our most famous witches and wizards. We must not allow them to deface our history and our traditions as well as our homes. We must reclaim our image, our magic.

I once again move for the immediate end to the holiday known as Halloween, and hope all good witches and wizards will join me in calling for a restoration of traditional wizarding values.


The Ravenclaw Quibbler, Volume II

The Ravenclaw Quibbler – Volume III

Welcome to the third edition of the Ravenclaw Quibbler! This month’s issue was written to coincide with the start of a new year. We hope you enjoy our exploration of the wizarding magazine often referred to as “rubbish� and “trite.� We find Luna’s favorite magazine a fascinating look into the wizarding world, and wish you happy reading as well!


The Quibbler’s Featured Section
A review by T. Lovegood
Just Beyond the Veil
Ratings/Warnings: 1st-2nd years/None

Our first feature of the New Year is a play that opened recently. Simply titled Harry: The Musical, this tale of Harry Potter’s life is told in song and dance. It stars Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, and Hermione Granger, and features dance routines choreographed by Rubeus Hagrid. The play starts with Harry’s childhood, before moving on to the new start he received when invited to go to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Some original songs include:

“Me and My Cupboard� by Harry Potter
“No Good and Evil (Only Power)� by Professor Quirrel
“Let’s Fly the Car� by Ron Weasley
“I Am Lord Voldemort� by Tom Riddle
“Take That, Aunt Marge� by Harry Potter
“It Was Pettigrew� by Sirius Black
“Ferret Boy� by Mad-Eye Moody
“Give Me a Kiss� by the Dementor
“Dumbledore’s Army� by Hermione Granger
“The Ballad of Hagrid’s Trip� by Rubeus Hagrid
“Severus, Please� by Albus Dumbledore
“I Am the Half-Blood Prince (Dance Mix)� by Severus Snape

Tickets won’t last long, so I suggest you get a move on to watch the spectacular performances in this play.

The Quibbler’s review: “Two thumbs up! Make it your New Year’s resolution to go see this fantastic play!�

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Snorkack Sombre Sign?
Chislarina
Ratings/Warnings: 1st-2nd years/None

Two weeks ago, soon after Albus Dumbledore died, a sign in the stars appeared. It was, in fact, the mark of a Crumple Horned Snorkack. This shows that dark times lie ahead for endangered creatures, such as these precious beasts.

Dr A. Banana, Quibbler Creature Analysist, says more. "The Snorkack in the sky has a specific meaning, though the Ministry denies it, they have been watching these harmless creatures, deciding they might be a threat. All the readers know this isn't so, and a protest is being held in the Atrium of the Ministry on February 8th. If this fails, which all of us hope isn't so, will go to Diagon Alley, aiming for a Save the Snorkacks Expedition. In honour of the late Professor Dumbledore, we shall have a new beginning for these poor animals. We know he would want it."

This new beginning may just unite the wizarding population against You-Know-Who. This reporter certainly hopes so.

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Exclusive Interivew with Cornelius Fudge
Gmariam
Ratings/Warnings: 1st-2nd years/Alternate Universe

With the start of a new year, Cornelius Fudge, former Minster for Magic, has set off on a new career path, surprising all those who claimed he was a washed up old windbag. I recently had the opportunity to meet with Mr. Fudge before he left the country to begin his new endeavor, and spoke with him about his time at the Ministry, recent events at Hogwarts, and of course, his new business venture.


The Quibbler: Good morning, Mr. Fudge. Thank you so much for meeting with us today.

Cornelius Fudge: My pleasure, dear girl. My pleasure.

TQ: Let’s begin with the question everyone has been asking: why are you leaving the Ministry after so many years, and at such at terrible time for the magical community?

CF: Times may be dark, but it was the right time for me to leave. As you know, Rufus Scrimgeour has been Minister for over a year now. I’ve only been functioning as an auxiliary adviser of sorts. There are more than enough qualified wizards to take my place.

TQ: But I understand you had a close relationship with the Muggle Prime Minister. With the war against You-Know-Who, wouldn’t it be prudent to remain as a contact between the Wizarding and Muggle worlds?

CF: There are several Aurors who are well placed to continue that relationship. I’d prefer not to be the Ministry’s lackey anymore.

TQ: What do you make of recent events at Hogwarts this past June? Did the death of Albus Dumbledore influence your decision at all?

CF: I think it’s a terrible tragedy. The Wizarding world has lost a strong leader, a valiant protector. It did not, however, have anything to do with my decision to leave the Ministry.

TQ: I understand your venture has you leaving Britain. You’re not leaving the country in order to feel more safe now that Dumbledore is gone, are you?

CF: Of course not. I have every confidence in Minister Scrimgeour. I had been planning this career change for months before the horrible events at Hogwarts.

TQ: Let’s talk about this new career path.

CF: I am very excited about it.

TQ: I can see that. What made you decide to open a Wizarding resort in the Bahamas during such a difficult time?

CF: As I said, I had been mulling over the idea for quite a while. A prime piece of oceanfront property went for sale and it seemed the right moment for me to finally set out and give it the old Warthog try.

TQ: Warthogs?

CF: Sorry, an old school mascot. Please continue.

TQ: Tell us about your new resort.

CF: Absolutely. It’s going to be spectacular. We are designing it with a Quidditch theme. I’ve always been a bit of a fan myself. Each room will be decorated with the colors of famous teams from around the world. There will be a fully functional Quidditch practice pitch with trained wizards offering classes in riding, braking, guarding, Seeking, Bludgering – everything you could possibly think of.

TQ: What about those witches and wizards who are not so athletically inclined?

CF: We will have dozens of other available opportunities for them to relax and play. That’s what the Wizarding world needs, a place to get away from it all.

TQ: What are some of those activities, Mr. Fudge?

CF: There will be a spa for the witch who desires nothing more than to be pampered all day. There will be day camps for young witches and wizards, magic free of course. We are planning a magical creatures safari and field trips to observe local Muggles. There will be hippogryff trail rides and snorkeling with mermaids. Finally, there will be a four-star restaurant run by the finest house elf staff the world has seen to finish your fun-filled day.

TQ: We’ve heard rumors that your Quidditch Master is none other than Ludo Bagman, former Head of the Department of Magical Games and Sports.

CF: Ah, you’ve got good sources then. Yes, Ludo is coming aboard to run the Quidditch program.

TQ: Isn’t he wanted for gambling charges?

CF: I’m not at liberty to discuss his current legal status, except to say that we are currently negotiating a settlement with the proper authorities involved.

TQ: I see. Are you referring to Ministry officials or goblins?

CF: I am not allowed to comment.

TQ: When do you anticipate opening this resort, Mr. Fudge?

CF: We are hoping to break ground next month and welcome our first guests next year. Care to write an opening day review?

TQ: I’d love to, thank you.

CF: You are most welcome, my dear. I look forward to your visit!


And with that final comment, our interview concluded.

The Quibbler tried to contact Ludo Bagman to speak with him about his role in the new resort, but we were unable to find him. It is assumed that he is already in the Bahamas, avoiding both Ministry and goblin authorities. One does wonder why Cornelius Fudge would want to associate with a suspected criminal, but then he also denied the return of You-Know-Who for over a year, so his judgment has been questioned before. Still, the former Minister was right when he remarked that the Wizarding world needs a place to get away from it all, and this reporter looks forward to Flooing to the Bahamas next year to review his new resort, which I’m told shall be called: “The Golden Snitch - Resort, Spa, and Quidditch Pitch.�

~M. Marigold, reporter

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Letter to the Editor-Sort-Of-Person
helgaandgodric
Ratings/Warnings:1st-2nd years/Alternate Universe

Dear Mr. Lovegood or any other editor sort of person,

Rumors have reached out ears that none other than Ludo Bagman is going to be the Quiddich Master sort of fellow over at Mr. Fudge’s new resort. As honest and respected businessmen, and the first to have the idea to lighten up life now that You-Know-Who is back, we are fully against him acquiring the position.

Why, you ask, would two respectable gentlemen and former Beaters for Gryffindor such as us be writing against Mr. Bagman? Because of his gambling debts. We made two decisions the night of the Quidditch World Cup two years ago: the first being to gamble with Bagman, the other to bet that Krum would get the snitch and Ireland would win. Of course, we all knew that the statistics were low for that to happen, so Bagman eagerly agreed to the bet. However, when we were right, Bagman bailed on us. He paid us with Leprechaun gold, but in a few hours it had disappeared.

Ludo Bagman should not be working for Mr. Fudge, or anyone for that matter. He is not to be trusted with anything, even if goblins or other such people are being paid off. Bagman should be paying for his own mistakes, not having government officials fixing them. Just imagine what terrible things he could do to that little piece of potential heaven.

Sincerely,
Two Very Respectable Businessmen and Former Beaters, aka Fred and George Weasley

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Money Laundering
myownmuggle
Ratings/Warnings: 1st-2nd years/Conspiracy Theories and Silliness

To the Editor of The Quibbler:

My dear Sir, as this New Year dawns upon us, I would like to take this opportunity to bring a very important matter to your attention. The Ministry of Magic is currently engaged in a conspiracy that is so widespread, the limits and outer reaches cannot be fathomed. Should the Muggle world learn the truth, the repercussions could be devastating to the entire wizarding community.

I am speaking, of course, of the Ministry’s recent decision to allow the goblins of Gringotts Bank to implant monitoring devices into our currency. Only this morning, I was forced to exchange my entire supply of newly minted Galleons, Sickles, and Knuts for older coins. It is impossible, you see, for these devices to be implanted in older coins. It must be done during the minting process.

The Ministry has no business monitoring my financial status or expenditures. Nor does the Ministry have any grounds for tracking my physical movements. For the love of Merlin, I run the wizarding world’s largest (and only, for that matter) turnip company! Without me, and my continued efforts to protect the industry from the Ministry’s ridiculous policies, the entire turnip industry in this part of the world would collapse.

But I digress, my dear sir. By allowing the Gringotts goblins to implant these monitoring devices into our currency, the Ministry is attempting to restrict our legal rights to free and unencumbered commerce and trade. Do you know why the Diagon Alley branch of Gringotts has dragons guarding the dungeons and vaults that can only be opened by certain goblins? To prevent ordinary witches and wizards from obtaining what is rightfully theirs – money! Personally, I believe this policy is an attempt by the Ministry to identify who is funding the activities of You-Know-Who and his supporters, also known as Death Eaters.

While I certainly support the downfall of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named and his cronies, I cannot support the manner in which the Ministry is endeavoring to suppress the rest of the wizarding world. Had the Ministry listened to The-Boy-Who-Lived more than a year ago when he claimed that the most feared dark wizard our world has ever known had returned, we would not be in this position.

If the Ministry refuses to withdraw its ludicrous policy, we must refuse to allow ourselves to be intimidated into submission. I, for one, will be withdrawing all of my money from Gringotts and placing it in a specially constructed secret chamber, which lies underneath the pond in the garden at my personal residence. Prior to sealing my funds in this chamber, I will be deactivating all Ministry-owned devices by laundering the money thoroughly. I urge you all to do the same.

Sincerely,
Archie Niles Aberforth

Editor’s Note: Please see the reprint of our interview with Harry Potter, The-Boy-Who-Lived, in our special insert.


The Ravenclaw Quibbler, Volume III

The Ravenclaw Quibbler – Volume IV

Welcome to the fourth edition of the Ravenclaw Quibbler! This month’s issue was written as part of an in-house challenge on the beta forums. The challenge was to write a short blurb for a well-known wizarding book. Following you will find the dust jackets of the books and novels found on the vaunted bookshelves of Ravenclaw Tower. We hope you enjoy this special edition of the wizarding magazine often referred to as “rubbish� and “trite.� We find Luna’s favorite magazine a fascinating look into the wizarding world, and wish you happy reading as well!


red and gold
He’s Just Not Enchanted By You
Also published as A Love Potion Becomes Love Poison
By Philomena Goodhart

Are you dating a wizard who‘s become distant? Does it seem that whenever you want to “define the relationship� he suddenly dons an Invisibility cloak? Do you spend countless hours staring out the window or crouched in front of the fireplace waiting for a letter by owl or communication by Floo that never comes? Do you find yourself making excuses for his thoughtless behaviour? “Well, it’s a busy time at the Ministry�, or “He’s traveling in Africa on business for Gringott’s - can‘t expect an owl to make that journey in a day or two.�

If any of the above sounds uncomfortably familiar, then this is the book for you. As you go through each chapter, I will show you the tell-tale signs that although he’s got you spell-bound, he’s nowhere near ready to make that Unbreakable Vow.

Here are just a few examples:

Chapter One (Has Your Relationship Been Given The ‘Dementor’s Kiss'?)
~Explores soulless relationships that no longer have depth and meaning.
Your dates have become an endless, mindless series of meeting, eating, and leaving.

Chapter Five (He Rates His Mates Over Your Dates)
~ discloses what it means when he has more time to sit around
drinking Ogden’s Finest discussing the latest Quidditch news with his mates than he has time to spend with you.

Chapter Eleven ( His Alohomora has turned to Colloportus)
~divulges why he suddenly seems to be closed off to you,
compared to how open he was in the beginning of the relationship.

Take my advice: A clever witch knows when it's time to Disapparate. With my help, you can set aside that Draught of Living Death and instead choose to drink the Elixir to Induce Euphoria!
A new, exciting love is waiting out there - don’t hold fast to Derrick Dull when you should be with Martin Marvelous - you deserve better!

Published by Obscurus Books
18a Diagon Alley, London
editor Augustus Worme
£20.00

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KJRowling
What Muggles Will Do…?
by Elggum Revol

The sequel to the bestselling “What Muggles Would Do…?�

Ever wondered what Muggles will do to achieve the most trivial tasks? How many of them does it take to change a “light bulb�? Why do they have roads, and then insist on crossing them?

Well, this book answers them all, from the uttermost trivialities like “quantum physics� to the most complicated tasks like “ironing.� We answer questions like:

“What Muggles will do to get a clean shirt?� (“Washing� and “ironing�)

A “washing machine� is very simple really, it comprises of... Next drying, though why they can’t do this all at once we shall never understand, a “tumble dryer�… And finally the “iron�, this simple device uses the theory of heat to wrinkle clothing…

“What Muggles will do to fly?� (“Aeroplanes�)

An “aeroplane� is a large vehicle; the aim is that of a flying carpet, to move many people from one place to another… Of course they are not happy about this and many think “fossil fuels� are running out, like the “oil� used to power its engines…

“What Muggles will do to light their homes?� (“Light bulbs�)

Instead of using candles like sensible people, Muggles insist on using “light bulbs�... They believe this to be a step forward….

“What Muggles will do to impress the neighbours?� (“Sports cars�)

Muggle men seem fascinated by noisy “machines� in different colours; the most evident is the “sports car�… Even name them, Ferrari, Mustang, Aston Martin …. Of course the one with the larger engine is considered the dominant male in most circles…

And of course the ever important question, “What Muggles will do next?� What absurd contraption will they create to “move forward� into the twenty-first century? We ponder these questions and many more in this fantastic book.

(WARNING: Do not try anything in this book at home, all of the theories and research have been done by trained wizards)

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Gmariam
Unseen: The Remarkable Story of the First Invisibility Cloak Revealed
by Newt Scamander

Tegus Scamander was an ordinary wizard with a taste for adventure. In 1707 he set off to discover the legendary beast now known as the Demiguise. Rumored to be an ape-like creature with the power of invisibility, the Demiguise had never been confirmed by reputable sources, and remained a myth among the magical community. Scamander traveled to the Far East to try and track down the elusive beast and thus prove or disprove its mysterious existence to the wizarding world.

He found much more than the Demiguise: he found his life’s calling, and the path to fame and fortune. After six months of fruitless searching, Scamander finally met the shy creature in a clearing of an overgrown forest. The scene is described as a startling encounter between wizard and beast:

Finally, he heard it: a soft snuffling from nearby, though he could see nothing within the clearing. Quickly he cast the new spell. “Apperio!� he whispered, and waited. To his amazement, a dark form slowly revealed itself within the clearing. It was sitting on the forest floor placidly chewing on a stalk of bamboo. It did indeed resemble an ape, except that its long silver hair seemed to shimmer as if barely visible. The creature looked up and saw Tegus, and for one moment their eyes met and connected. When the creature realized that Tegus could see it, the strange animal opened its mouth and cried out in a frightened wail that forced Tegus to cover his ears. The animal’s long silver hair suddenly fell to the ground in soft clumps, and it tore off into the forest, obviously terrified. (Scamander, 245)

After the animal fled, Scamander was left with a pile of strange fur. Apparently the creature shed its hair at the smallest provocation. He immediately noticed the magical properties of the fur: it was the silvery hair of the animal itself that lent the creature its invisibility. He christened the animal the Demiguise.

Scamander quickly realized the potential possibilities inherent in the silvery fur. He also realized the disaster that might result for the gentle creatures should his discovery become widely known. For ten years Scamander kept the invisible hair a secret, all the while traveling back to the Far East to startle more Demiguises and gather their magical fur for study. He did not once harm the creatures, but collected the fur they dropped in fear.

After years of complex spellwork and weaving, Scamander finally developed the first Invisibility Cloak. He immediately went to the International Confederation of Wizards and secured two decrees: one protecting the Demiguise from illegal hunting, the other stipulating that only he and his family would be privy to the secrets of the Invisibility Cloak. As word spread of Scamander’s creation, demand increased as well. Tegus Scamander became a wealthy wizard and lived a century in peaceful retirement as his descendants continued the family business.

The secrets of creating an Invisibility Cloak remain closely guarded, and although Scamander’s struggles to find the Demiguise and develop the cloak are well detailed in this lengthy book, for obvious reasons the exact method for creating one remains unknown. The story is fascinating enough without revealing the family’s trade secrets. Newt Scamander, author of Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them and a member of the famous family, weaves an exciting tale of suspense and success into one man’s story of discovering not only the secrets of the Demiguise, but the secrets of his destiny.

“Highly recommended! Newt Scamander has done his family proud!� – Witch Weekly

“An in-depth and well-written look at one of the most mysterious of magical items.� – The Daily Prophet

“This is a must-read for any student of magical creatures, or anyone who enjoys a good bit of history.� – Wilhemina Grubbly-Plank, magical creatures expert

“A most enjoyable book, I will certainly recommend Mr. Scamander’s work to both my students and fellow colleagues.� - Albus Dumbledore, former Headmaster, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

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myownmuggle
Truly Terrific Turnip Treats
A New and Exciting Cookbook for the Modern Witch
by Archie Niles Aberforth

What’s a modern witch to do with the wizarding world’s favourite root vegetable? Look no further! Archie Niles Aberforth, president of the only wizard-owned turnip company (R.C. Turnips, Ltd.), regales readers and educates eaters with tasty tales and rousing recipes.

An excerpt from Truly Terrific Turnip Treats:

I happened to be strolling through the experimental turnip cross-pollination field one day when I encountered a very odd man. He was dressed in very fine wizard robes and was examining himself in a hand-held mirror. I paused before reaching the man, as I was very naturally concerned that he was from our rival company (D.L. and Fellows Turnips) and here to steal a seedling from our latest batch of newly planted turnips. Now I’ve worked very hard on perfecting this lot and have babied them since they were planted as seeds. It was near to impossible to convince the family of Umgubular Slashkilters to take up residence in the patch and provide the most important ingredients for the turnip life cycle.

Imagine my surprise when the gentleman lowered his mirror and introduced himself as Gilderoy Lockhart!

Reviews for Truly Terrific Turnip Treats:

“An outstanding piece of writing by Mr. Aberforth! I particularly enjoyed his re-enactment of his first meeting with yours truly.� ~ Gilderoy Lockhart

“Most interesting. I have made extensive use of Mr. Aberforth’s recipes, and my family has not been the same since!� ~ Molly Weasley

“Simply unbelievable. The most unique piece of literature I have ever seen.� ~ Madam Sprout, Professor of Herbology

“Whoever gave this book to Mum: we have a very special gift to give in return. Please contact Weasleys Wizard Wheezes for more information.� ~ Fred and George Weasley

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Doglover4Life
Who Are You?
by Gilderoy Lockhart

Are you a troubled teen or a going through your mid life crisis? Has your memory been erased and you cannot remember who you are? Do you just love anything written by me, Gilderoy Lockhart? If you answered yes to one or more of the questions then this book is for you!

Inside You’ll Find:

• A timeline explaining each and every trend that will help you conform to society.

• Interviews from the most influential people in the wizarding world; Lord Voldemort, Albus Dumbledore, and even Neville Longbottom!

• A list of Muggle trends that will be sure stop them from being afraid of our magical abilities!

Speaking of magic. If you cannot remember how to perform perfect charms, or if you dearly need help with performing simple spells, this book is still for you! We signed an exclusive contract with Kwik Spell. It will have you up and performing magic in no time! Who says you need wizarding boarding school when you can read neon parchment with step-by-step instructions on Transfiguration?

We also have psychiatrist-in-a-book! It’s quite handy. If you read this book while emotionally or mentally unstable and you feel you are going to go over the deep end, no worries! Just press the big button on the inside cover of the book. The button is bright red and says “In case of an emergency click for support.� Within seconds a holographic fully trained psychiatrist will pop out of the book and you will get the help you need right away!

Along with the wonderful advice and learning tools in this book we have yet another reason for you to read, “Who Are you?� Not only is every book hand signed by the fabulous me, Gilderoy Lockhart, but you will also have a preview from my next book, “How to Make Your True Love Fall in Love With You.� It has simple and legal ways to make your true love realise his or her love for you.

Enjoy this divine and life-changing book by me, Gilderoy Lockhart!

This book is in no way accountable for any person/s bursting into flame after pressing big red button or dissatisfaction with magical abilities after Kwik Spell course.

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garyf
Charming Charms for Charmers
by R.M. Harouc

Charming Charms for Charmers is a compendium of the best and most up-to-date essential Charms as well as a book about them. R.M. Harouc loves a good Charm, as well as a good laugh, but as an expert in his field, he is also interested in how Charms work, why they work, and when they don’t.

Charming Charms for Charmers: more humorous than other Charms books, more charming than other humour books. R.M. Harouc combines two major gifts: he is both a distinguished Charmer and a quite exceptional analyst of the Charms of others….

The result is a book which opens doors and offers a wealth of insight.

"Harouc is an ardent Charmer, keen to offer us a glimpse of how charms are crafted and to have us dwell rather longer on their effects."
- Professor Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

"Befitting its subject, this study of Charms is ... light, funny, and thought-provoking.... Entertainment and ideas in one almighty package."
- Llewellyn Williams, Evening Prophet

"Reading Charming Charms for Charmers makes you feel that being genial is the most profound thing we ever do - which is something Charms also make us feel - and that doing Charms is as natural as being amused."
- Anonymous

"A lucid and rubbish-free study of the remarkable fact that we divert each other with Charms meant to make us laugh.... And illuminating study, replete with killer jokes. If you studied Charms at school this will bring back fond memories, but even newcomers will be captivated by this witty and entertaining book.�
- Professor Hélène Carré, Académie de Magie Beauxbâtons


R.M. Harouc is a former Charms Professor at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and advisor to the Ministry of Magic's Magical Law Enforcement Squad.

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mugglemathdork/mgleteacher
Instruction and Management for the Magical Classroom:
Century Tested Strategies
by: Ben Thire and Don Thutt

Are you tired of your students charming notes to each other, or sending magical ‘notes’ flying in the middle of your boring lecture? Have you had enough of students mouthing off and giving you ‘witty’ replies to your sarcastic undertones? Are you feeling the burn that comes from being an educator?
Take it from us – we’ve been there, and done that! Got the Muggle T-shirt!
With this book on classroom discipline you’ll improve the behavior of your students dramatically by implementing time-tested strategies that have been practice by teachers as old are dirt. The strategies here have been developed in an agonizingly antiquated manner which is aimed at old-school professors who reminisce of the good ol’ whip.

Inside you will find:
~Identifying unwanted behaviors, and petty annoyances: How to Make it Appear like It’s Their Fault
~Legal Behavior Modification Techniques in Practice
~Negative Reinforcement and its Upside
~Drills, Tedious Homework, and Other Mind-Boggling Ways to Keep your Students Busy And Out of your Hair
~Legal Non-Verbal Spells You can Use as Punishment
~Setting Objectives and Providing Feedback In an Efficient Manner
~Muggle Teaching Methodologies – Give ‘em a try!
~Detention that Works – How to Really Make them Suffer for Being Insufferable Know It-Alls and Arrogant Gits
~Merlin Code: What’s Legal and What’s Not – Know your Educator Rights!
~How to Deal with the Snotty Rich Kids
~If all Else Fails: Take your Revenge

“I cannot believe this rubbish got published.� – Minerva McGonagall, Headmistress of Hogwarts School for Wizardry and Witchcraft

“I particularly like the chapter on Detention that Works, very creative methods are provided.� – Severus Snape, Former Potions Professor (currently residing in Azkaban)

“I’ve been practicing the Legal Non-Verbal spells for years now.� – Igor Karkaoff, Former Head of Durmstrang (quoted prior to being found dead due to unknown causes)

“Five Snitches (out of a possible 100.)� – The Daily Prophet

Published by
DimWit Publications
20b Diagon Alley
London

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emily_the_poet
Lost to Oblivion

Would this author be lying if she said she knew everything about the past? Of course she would! Why search for the truth when you can have a wonderful fantasy? There are some things that should just remain mysteries and myths! Legends should be loosened from our shelves not banished to the back of the closet!

Which is why I have tracked down several myths and legends once lost to wizards and witches alike! Amongst these pages you will find:

Dark Night
A wonderful tale of a wizard named Eddy, prophesized to kill his father and marry his mother. He later stabs out his own eyes after finding a truth hidden by dramatic irony.

Remi and Romi
The story of two brothers who fought to the death over who would own their city.

Cassie the Bewildered
A woman who only spoke the truth but was never believed tells the final moments of her burning city.

As you can see these delightful stories bring happiness to every home!

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FenrirG
Magical Me
by Gilderoy Lockhart

*inside cover*
Introduction
(Forward by Gilderoy Lockhart)

Hello, my dear fans, hello. Judging by the fact that you have picked up this book--and, assuming, of course, that you have not been living in a cupboard for the past few years--I am confident that you already know who I am: Gilderoy Lockhart, Order of Merlin, Third Class.

My accomplishments are many and varied: Honorary Member of the Dark Force Defence League, and five-time winner of Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award, for example.

But as you all know, I am a humble man; I hate to brag. I would much, much prefer telling my fans about my many other achievements, achievements that have changed and enriched lives: for example, my triumphs over Yetis, Werewolves, Vampires, and Trolls, Ghouls, Hags, Banshees, and more.[Footnote]

However, here is not the place for me to do so. I have written many books that my fans can consult, should they wish to read about my heroic acts... no, this book--Magical Me, by Gilderoy Lockhart--is my long-awaited autobiography.

So please, my faithful fans, read on. This autographed, limited edition copy of Magical Me features full-color, never-before-seen photographs of yours truly, as well as interesting bits of facts and trivia about myself. Nowhere else will you find a more complete, more well-written account of my life. I truly hope that you will enjoy my book.

Sincerely,
Gilderoy Lockhart

To write to Mr. Lockhart directly, please send a self-addressed owl to:
Mr. Gilderoy Lockhart
C/O Brunhilda Wemmington, Secretary

Footnote: To read about the aforementioned events, and more, please feel free to consult my other published works: Break with a Banshee; Gadding with Ghouls; Holidays with Hags; Travels with Trolls; Voyages with Vampires; Wanderings with Werewolves; and Year with a Yeti.

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spottedcat83
The Grisly Noodles
by Alastor Moody

In 1922, eighteen Ministry of Magic employees, from a janitor all the way up to the Secretary for Magical Education, died in terrible agony. For decades, friends and family have suspected foul play, but investigators were unable to find any motives or methods that linked all eighteen deaths.

Until now. Retired Auror Alastor Moody has applied his keen mind to these mysterious deaths, and has painstakingly interviewed hundreds of witnesses and family members, combed through thousands of documents ignored since the 1920s, and applied his considerable background as an Auror to these mysteries. Mr. Moody concentrates his investigation on the one clue that links all eighteen deaths: various noodle casseroles, consumed in different recipes, at different times, and under eighteen very different circumstances. Mr. Moody has considered nuances and scoffed-at statements, and has assembled a fascinating, but believable, theory of who committed these atrocious murders, how this person accomplished the killings, and most importantly, why the murders were carried out against such a diverse group of people. Mr. Moody's conclusions will amaze, enlighten, and shock you.

"Pure balderdash," Ministry officials scoff.

However, "A thoughtful, insightful look at a long-ignored and very disturbing part of British wizarding history," Mr. Lovegood, editor of The Quibbler states.

"An interesting read," says Corky Fleasfull, book reviewer for the Daily Prophet. "This book should be on the bookshelf of every intelligent witch and wizard."

Published by Spuzzum Books Limited
224 Rockyness Lane
Spuzzum, British Columbia
Canada

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Wand_Waver2006
Turnips for Dummies: A Guide to Ravenclaw, fresh out of the garden!
by Issac Hory

Have you just gotten sorted? Need some information on your house? Well, no fear--we have a Dummy's book for Ravenclaw! Includes an in-depth essay on 'Why we are Turnips' by renowned Heida Jam, analysis on the house colours by Ulyssus Or, and a discussion on the stereotype of Ravenclaws being smart, with points of view from members of other houses. Good for laughs, but it does have a serious air when talking of the House Founder. Says the author, "I wanted my readers to know that Rowena Ravenclaw is not a joke, even if the rest of the book is taken as that."

Toasters for Dummies: Straight from the Lion's Den!
By Issac Hory

This edition of the Hogwarts Houses Series discusses what it takes to be a Gryffindor, with a foreword from Godric Gryffindor (written circa 1500) and mostly the same features as Turnips for Dummies. Need some information on the House Ghost? In this book, we give you an in-depth history of Nearly Headless Nick and more!

The Snake's Hole: Slytherin House for Dummies!
By Issac Hory

Green and silver win it all. For the cunning and the wise, this book on Slytherin includes maps of the common room and the Chamber of Secrets. Part of this book is also a Parseltongue dictionary! The 'Why we are better' essay by Ursula Mann is an interesting read, and even Lola Purcell gets a word in edge-wise on the Quidditch aspect of Slytherin!

From the Badger's Den: Puffs for Dummies!
By Issac Hory

For the kind and generous badgers of Hufflepuff comes the help book all first-years need! How to bring out the most in your seven years of being a Hufflepuff, and how to promote inter-House unity, is detailed in this edition of the Hogwarts Houses series.

All four editions are 20 galleons at Flourish and Blotts

EXTRA! EXTRA!

Want all four of the Hogwarts Houses books? In the special edition, all four books have been combined for you to get the most out of Hogwarts! It gives you detailed information on all four houses, plus random facts about Hogwarts and its founders. 40 galleons at Flourish and Blotts.

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helgaandgodric
Poetry, Poems, and Rhyming for Nitwits
by Adel Ide

Are you stuck with the old “Let’s give homemade gifts this year,� but have no talents what-so-ever? Or maybe you need a poem to win back your loved one. Or perhaps you just really want to get into poetry. If any or all of those describe you, then this newest addition to Adel Ide’s “For Nitwits� series is what you need. In this book, Adel Ide teaches you different types of poems, how to rhyme, spells to conjure inspiration, how to get inspiration the Muggle way, and the best ways to present your poem for whatever you need to write one for.

This book also includes a section on poetry of the great Wizarding poets, such as Subla Erodelbmud, Mare Odders, and Molly Welch, as well as tips on analyzing their poems. By speaking about the “symbolism of Tom� (page 317) in Subla Erodelbmud’s famous poem “The Death of Memory,� or who the red haired woman is who haunts all of Mare Odder’s poems, you will be sure to impress your friends or spouse’s book group. (Poems and analysis guides contained within include: “The Death of Memory,� “My son,� “Green Eyes,� and “Took ‘Til Seventh Year�.)

What Adel said in her interview with Karen White: “I want my readers to know that if they are poetically challenged than there is a book for them. My previous How-To books have all been directed towards those challenged in other areas of life: “Cooking for Nitwits,� “Dealing with the Ministry for Nitwits,� “Acting like a Muggle in Public for Nitwits,� and “Foreign Wizards for Nitwits� are the most famous and best received books out of the forty-eight in the series. This one is directed more towards those who are looking on starting a new hobby.�

For those looking for the other forty-seven books in Adel Ide’s collection, simply visit any wizarding book shop or visit Poorly Publicated Publishers at 500 Diagon Alley.

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The Ravenclaw Quibbler, Volume IV

The Ravenclaw Quibbler – Volume V


Welcome to the fifth edition of the Ravenclaw Quibbler! This month’s issue was written as part of an in-house challenge on the beta forums. The challenge was to write an article about a conspiracy regarding the final book – the more ridiculous, the better. Following you will find several theories worthy of Luna Lovegood herself. We hope you enjoy this special edition of the wizarding magazine often referred to as “rubbish� and “trite.� We also hope that none of these scenarios play out in the end.


Dumbledore: Dead... or Demented?
FenrirG
Rating and Warnings: 1st-2nd Years; a brief and mild joke about Student/Teacher ships

Last June, witches and wizards around the world mourned the death of one of the greatest wizards of all time: Albus Dumbledore. According to Witch Weekly, The Daily Prophet, and numerous other news sources, Dumbledore was murdered at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry by Death Eaters on the eve of June 13. BUT WAS HE?

In an exclusive interview with the Quibbler last month, an important Ministry official, who wishes to remain unnamed, informed us that Dumbledore, indeed, is alive.

“He’s doing very well, thank you,� said the official calmly, “and is currently living incognito amidst the—well, obviously I can’t tell you too much, but I can assure you that Dumbledore is alive and well and has made several important breakthroughs about how to defeat You-Know-Who.�

Minister of Magic Rufus Scrimgeour was quick to dismiss the theory, calling it “pure codswallop,� but (rather suspiciously) refusing to comment further. However, a second well-placed source confirmed that Dumbledore, indeed, is living incognito—with Dementors.

“It’s true,� confirmed the Quibbler’s informant assuredly. “Dumbledore’s a tall man, light on his feet… I helped with his disguise myself. All he needed was a dark hooded robe, and no one could tell the difference!� As an afterthought, she added, “He was very adverse to shaving off his beard, though, but it was a bit of a giveaway… had to be done…�

“This explains so much!� exclaimed an enthusiastic Ernie Macmillan, a Hufflepuff who just finished his sixth year at Hogwarts—and bore witness to Dumbledore’s supposed death. “His hand—have you heard about his hand?�

Macmillan went on to explain that Dumbledore’s right hand, for nearly a year preceding his death, had been blackened and shriveled “rather like a Dementor’s.� Perhaps, Macmillan suggested eagerly, he had been slowly adjusting himself in preparation for his disguise.

It certainly is an interesting theory. If Macmillan is, indeed, correct, then this observation may mean even more that he realises: it means that Dumbledore knew of his murder in advance—and that Severus Snape, suspected Death Eater and ex-Potions Master of Hogwarts, wanted for Dumbledore’s murder, is innocent after all.

“That’s preposterous,� declared Minerva McGongall, who became Headmistress of Hogwarts following Dumbledore’s supposed death. “I can guarantee that Albus would never do something of that sort—and if he did, I would know. There were witnesses there on the tower when… when Snape committed the murder. Just ask Harry Potter.�

Harry Potter, coincidentally, conducted an interview with the Quibbler last year. However, he declined to comment on speculations that his long-time mentor and headmaster was still alive.

In an attempt to locate the “Hiding Headmaster�, as he has been dubbed, a team of reporters journeyed to London, where rogue Dementors have been sighted with frightening regularity.

In a novel and groundbreaking new method, our group of reporters elected one of their own to serve as “bait�; under the influence of several strong Cheering Charms and the Essence of Euphoria potion, Junior Reporter Luna Lovegood was sent to wander the streets of London, followed closely by the rest of her team.

As predicted, Miss Lovegood’s magic-induced happiness served as a magnet to perhaps all the Dementors in London. Going along perfectly with the plan, the Dementors gathered around their would-be-victim—and gave our reporters the perfect opportunity to look for Albus Dumbledore.

However, before the investigation could be completed, a laughing Luna Lovegood was forced to produce a Patronus Charm in order to avoid being Kissed.

As the father of Miss Lovegood, I must say I am not at all disappointed by her actions. While her Patronus frightened away the Dementors and called a halt to our investigations, I am pleased that, despite the Cheering Charms, my daughter had the presence of mind to put her own safety first. After all, although our question about Dumbledore’s death was not answered, it is a small price to pay for the fact that my daughter was not Kissed by a Dementor—or, heavens forbid, by her headmaster.

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Severus Snape: Coward and Cow?
radishearrings3
Rating and Warnings: 1st to 2nd years; Angry Dairy Cow Farmers and Mention of Dairy Products (For our Lactose-Intolerant readers).

Severus Snape. Now a household name after his mysterious, violent murder of the great Albus Dumbledore. A name that strikes fear into the hearts of many. A name that even strikes fear in to many who lack hearts. And now, most importantly, as many may be shocked to learn, the name of a cow.

The Ministry of Magic has recently discovered a lead suggesting that Mister Snape himself is in fact an unregistered cow animagus and is now residing among some of our innocent and adorable dairy product-producing friends.

No matter how disturbing and absurd it may seem, the evidence has been right in front of our faces for many months now. This, for example, sheds light on the otherwise unexplained attack and capture of Florean Fortescue, ice cream parlor owner, by You-Know-Who and his followers in the beginning days of the Second Wizarding War. The Ministry believes that You-Know-Who had earlier instructed Mister Snape to find refuge as a cow if his cover as a teacher at the renowned Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry failed to keep him out of the Ministry's view while he plotted the murder of the great Albus Dumbledore. The Ministry believes You-Know-Who, fearing that Mister Snape's DNA might be present in Mister Fortescue's ice cream, murdered the ice cream parlor owner (the only one serving England's magical folk) seemingly randomly to ensure that evidence of Mister Snape's clever hiding place would not be discovered.

While You-Know-Who and his followers may or may not have known whether DNA (a strange code Muggles use, which I have determined from my research) of a cow is located in its milk, let alone whether or not he knew what DNA was, is unknown by the Ministry, so, here at the Quibbler, we took it upon ourselves to find out the truth.

Through another classified resource, we found the Muggle dairy cow farm from which Mister Fortescue ordered his milk. Joe's Cows, as it was called, was a charming little place with a barn, large pasture, and cozy farm house. But we didn't let the simple atmosphere its name suggested lull us into a false sense of security, and kept our wands, as well as our quills, at the ready, just in case Mister Snape decided to reveal himself to us, with possibly violent consequences.

So we knocked on the front and back door, all the windows, and a few walls of the farm house, with no response from anyone inside, and through a little more exploration, we discovered no one in the barn either. With no Muggles there to interview, we turned to the cows.

Now the cows at Joe's Cows where a variety of colors, ranging from black to brown to white, with many combinations in between. We tried to avoid the black ones, for our source from Hogwarts specified that black was the usual color Mister Snape was found wearing, and usually signs of what the animagus wear while in wizard or witch form are apparent in their animal form, and we where trying our hardest to avoid a direct confrontation with a particularly dangerous bovine.

Though as we noticed throughout the afternoon, from the suspicious withholding of information on the cows’ part, Mister Snape must have formed quite an alliance with the innocent creatures. The most we where able to get out of an afternoon of interviewing the flock of them was an occasional loud, low, groaning sound. Some of the cows didn't even look up at us from their mid-afternoon snack while we interviewed them! Though we found this much less startling than the strange noises some of them made, it didn't make it any less rude.

After interviewing each and every brown, white, and spotted cow in the vicinity, we became quite frustrated with the rude and noisy cows, and where about to Apparate back home when a rusty and noisy Muggle transportation mechanism came rolling down the dusty road, pulling into Joe's Cows.

With a new vigor, we rapidly approached the squat old man exiting the tired-looking contraption, hoping for a much more informative interview.

Though he didn't seem to be too pleased with our presence, telling us to, "Get your [censored] [censored] off my property!" we persisted.

After a bit of persuasion and explanation (but not too much explanation, he was a Muggle, after all), the man we determined to be Joe (yes, the Joe) turned a lighter shade of pink and began to use his inside voice.

Though Joe seemed rather uneducated, being unaware of what DNA even was, he was a bit more cooperative than his cows. After a few more questions, Joe seemed to be catching on, saying, "So, you're tryin' to find a man who turned himself into a cow?"

After confirming that that was in fact what we where looking for, he then stated, "Well, if you're lookin' for a man, you won't find any in my herd." When questioned further on this statement, he said, "Well, there's no such thing as a man cow. Man cows are called bulls an' they don't make milk, an' I don't have any. Now get off my [censored] property, freaks."

While this investigation must be continued due to this new information, we at the Quibbler are always concerned about the wellness of the wizarding community, and in these desperate times, we strongly recommend avoiding all black cows (and bulls), DNA testing your milk, and thoroughly cooking your beef.

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Of Frogs and Men
Ashley/GryffindorGoddess
Rating and Warnings: 1st-2nd years; Character Death and fatal dust of lunar origins -- allergy-sufferers beware!

More than ten years ago, retired Quidditch Keeper Dirkus Fleogan achieved the unthinkable by flying to the moon on a Cleansweep Six.

“Nobody thought I could do it,� Fleogan said. “Guess who’s laughing now?�

Fleogan vowed to prove everyone wrong and did so by returning from the moon with no less than sixteen moon frogs. Of these gray, powdery little creatures, Fleogan claims were model citizens of the moon and perfect additions to life here on Earth.

“They were closer than any pet I’ve ever known. More like brothers, really. And Kermit…� Fleogan paused to pat a worn, grayish spot on his knee. “This is where he used to sit. But that was before.�

And all the painful memories of the Final Battle rushed back to this aging universal explorer as he remembered those he lost. Fleogan relived the carefree days when he visited his moon frog brood at the petting zoo of the British Family Circus, the Happiest Circus on Earth.

Unbeknownst to circus performers and animal handlers at the time, the moon frogs’ purpose at the BFC was much more than fun and games. Moon frogs, Fleogan was told by the Emperor Frog Delicrius the Dusty, grow larger and stronger in the presence of wonder. Onlookers old and young contributed to the grooming of this unusual army of frogs for their ultimate conquest: the defeat of the Dark Lord.

According to Fleogan, ten years of basking in the awe of circus visitors was more than ample time to prepare.

“I have to admit though,� Fleogan said sheepishly, “that I was rather scared the first time Delly mentioned the battle. He heard visitors just coming from the Magic Show speak of unexplainable deaths in the news. I told him quietly of You-Know-Who, and the Emperor took it from there.�

What we still do not understand is exactly how these moon frogs were able to use this power as a weapon. Fleogan described what happened to his frogs in the battle as “absolutely terrifying.�

“Well, there we were, all eating our dinner together at the Circus, when a gang of miscreants came crashing through the petting zoo entrance. They were all shouting curses and hexes at each other. I didn’t know what to do, but the frogs did.�

When asked to continue, Fleogan turned his head in embarrassment, trying to hide his emotion.

“Then they exploded.�

Exploded? Yes, you heard right.

“They puffed out their chests with as much of this un-breathable air as they possibly could, and then in an instant turned into magnificent clouds of grayish-white powder. It hung in the air like a cloud and fought its way into the eyes and nostrils and lungs of the Death Eaters.�

Fleogan’s recount of the Final Battle asserted the frogs essentially used their bodies in powder-form to temporarily blind the Death Eaters and bring on coughing spells so that Harry Potter and his legion of heroes could finish the task.

“Most of them were dead or Petrified by the time my frogs’ bodies drifted down to a gathering of dust piles on the ground. The only problem was the boy hadn’t fought You-Know-Who yet.�

That’s when, as Fleogan reported, a young blonde witch came to him.

“She had these mad round eyes and a silly little necklace of butterbeer corks. Luna, I think her name was.�

Luna Lovegood is the only child of the Quibbler’s own Kyurius Lovegood.

Apparently, the butterbeer corks usually worn around the Ravenclaw student’s neck were actually time portals in disguise. How she got her hands on such rare magical devices, Lovegood has sworn to secrecy.

“See, what happened was Kermit exploded a little too early,� explains Fleogan. “He was out of range to make any effect on You-Know-Who, so that fearsome little girl threw a cork on the ground in front of her. Instantly we’d gone back in time a whole minute! It was enough time to explain to Kermit that he needed to wait just a mite longer before exploding.�

That’s when, as Fleogan proudly recalls, Lord Voldemort began coughing and digging his sharp fingers up his nose to block the inhalation of grimy frog dust. He was so irritated and distracted that Harry Potter defeated him more easily than a Flobberworm.

“I’m so proud of my moon frogs. They went on to a better place and helped save the world at the same time. The way they exploded so easily in a time of desperation will never be forgotten.�

This is the true story of Voldemort’s downfall: adventure, bravery, a time portal, and a little moon frog dust.

- Winifred MacDougal, Senior Reporter

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Viktor Rum - Quidditch Legend or Dramatic Dancer?
Lady Granger
Rating and Warnings: 3rd-5th years, for "name" includations and extreme OOCness.

This summer, one of our Quibbler employees, who happens to be Muggle-born, was watching a “television show� called “Dancing with the Stars.� The episode was one from the country of Bulgaria, and seemed to have featured the Bulgarian Quidditch seeker, Viktor Rum, dancing with an unknown girl with brown, bushy hair.

Viktor Rum, the Quidditch legend, is known to be a reckless, though graceful dancer, confirms Draco Malfoy, a family friend. “Oh yes, he’s always been a great dancer,� says Malfoy, 18, by owl. “I remember him at the Yule Ball, he was terrific – he did, however, waste his good skills on a filthy (censored.)�

Which, from these last comments, take us to Hogwarts to speak to those who may have been in attendance – could the girl he danced with at the Yule Ball the same one on the recent episode?

Neville LongUnderwear, friend of The-Boy-Who-Lived-For-Only-A-While, was at the Yule Ball that year.

“Yes, I went with Harry’s girlfriend, whose friend went with Mister Rum,� he says, speaking from the Three Broomsticks. However, when asked who Rum went with, he says, “Very lovely girl, smartest in our year . . . though I can’t quite remember the name…�

Luna Lovegood, daughter of the Quibbler editor, was also at Hogwarts the year of the Yule Ball.

“No, I did not attend,� the seventeen-year-old says, “though I can confirm to you that a Hermyknee Ranger did attend the ball with Mr. Rum.�

Though later, when asking Professor McGonagall about the young witch, she says, “Why yes, the darling did go with Rum.� Though when asked the whereabouts of Ms. Ranger, we receive a no-comment.

Harry Potty himself knows this young lady. “Ranger? Oh, yes, very … erm, nice, girl. However, she is married and doesn’t go by this anymore.�

Which leads us to reviewing the video footage, with Mr. LongUnderwear, Mr. Potty and Ms. Lovegood themselves in attendance.

“Oh, yes, that’s Ms. Ranger,� they say. However, Mr. Potty’s guard seems to be down as he replies, “Yes, Mr. and Mrs. Rum, they’ve been dancing together for years, this isn’t the first competition.

Which leads us to an article of news submitted by an unnamed reader four moths ago.

“Mr. Rum is signing contracts for leaving the Wizard game of Quidditch to move the Muggle world of dance, where he will earn much more money. He will be, with his bride, moving to America sometime in the late fall.�

Earlier dismissed as junk mail, we can now confirm, after later confirmation with that author, that he is a close friend to Mr. Checko, a Bulgarian seeker, who leaked this to him while intoxicated.

However, it is still unknown whether or not Mr. Rum will or will not be moving to America, as all of his close relatives refuse to reply to any mail we have sent.

After later contact to Mr. Checko, we can confirm to you, our devoted readers, that Mr. Rum is indeed leaving the wizarding world in search of a more-favourable Muggle world of dance.

According to Mr. Ludovic Bagpipe, we can expect a rather small turnout – and many fewer wins – at the Bulgarian Quidditch games. “The majority of games were won by Mr. Rum. I hate to see what kind of record they will have after Mr. Rum leaves.�

Many Bulgarian fans – including Amos Diggory, who works at the Ministry of Magic, and whose son was a champion along with Mr. Rum – agree with Bagpipe. “We can expect very few fans now,� he says. “And even fewer wins,� he agrees.

Well, Bulgaria, we wish you the best of luck in recruiting a Seeker, as your team seems to have a very gloomy future.

And Mr. and Mrs. Rum, we wish you the best of luck with your new life of dance in America!

- Anna Cyzon,Quibbler Reporter

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House Elves: The True Masters of Deception
mugglemathdork/mgleteacher
Rating and Warnings: 1st-2nd Years; None

Nelson Noodlesniffer, reporting for the Quibbler, with the groundbreaking, earth-shattering story of the century. After a long year war with Voldemort, formerly known as ‘He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named,’ it appeared to many witches and wizards that the ultimate demise was unavoidable, and their ‘Chosen One,’ one Harold James Potter, was nothing more than a farce. However, in a strange set of circumstances, when all seemed lost, the lowly house elves came to the rescue of the inept teenage wizard hero, Harry Potter, due to the pleadings of Dobby, the radical house elf who gets paid wages at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

In a true act of selflessness and love, the underappreciated, overworked, and overly-abused house elves came forward and revealed to the wizarding community that they had the power to destroy Voldemort. And they did in a matter of days; what with their numerous population and powers, they were able to spy, perform covert operations, and be overlooked by the Death Eaters as nothing but useless pests.

However, after the defeat of Voldemort, the truth came out: the house elves have deceived us wizard folk for centuries! Inadvertently, through their random act of kindness, word soon got out that the house elves have ruled us all though their manipulative magic! We’ve been their puppets! One house elf admitted to adding Amortentia in the food of students at Hogwarts to win bets against other house elves on whom was dating who in school.

“Oh yeah, it was hilarious watching Harry Potter moon after Ginevra Weasley, knowing he really fancied her brother,� mentioned on house elf who chose to remain anonymous.

Hermione Granger was interviewed about the sudden change of roles, and after turning a lovely shade of purple, was rudely interrupted by her fiancée, Ronald Weasley, who exclaimed, “I told you they liked doing that.�

This information has created a unique sense of turmoil in the Ministry of Magic, and whether to classify wizards and witches as a sub-category of special creatures. This reporter truly believes that the house elves will shower us with magic pixie-hornets dust, which is quite well known to cause mass memory loss. Then we’ll all revert to a state of bliss and ignorance where house elves serve us as indentured slaves, and they can continue to toy with our lives.

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The Minister's Riddle: Scrimgeour the Half-Sphinx
Lily_writes
Rating and Warnings: 1st-2nd years; Sphinx mention, Part-Sphinxes in denial

Many in the wizarding community have likened the Minister of Magic, Rufus Scrimgeour, in his appearance to that of a lion. After long hours of interviewing, searching, and digging, this reporter can reveal exclusively to the Quibbler that the Minister’s appearance can be attributed to his unique family heritage.

Despite denial by owl from his office, coworkers and unnamed friends confirm that Scrimgeour is half-Sphinx.

“One day I saw ‘im use a Dis’llusionment Charm on ‘imself, I did,� one brave former employee recounted. “‘E ‘ad these massive sharp teeth and a big mane all ‘round ‘is ‘ead. ‘Course once ‘e noticed I was there, ‘e sacked me and tried to wipe me mem’ry. Nat’rally, it didn’t work, see, on account of me thick skull.�

A close, personal friend had this to say: “Rufus? Part-Sphinx? Sure he’s a part-Sphinx, and I’m a flaming hydra by night.�

This shocking admission goes along with reported sightings of flaming hydras south of Carlisle to be investigated at a later date.

“Minister Scrimgeour being half-Sphinx sure makes plenty of sense to me,� I.P. Freeley of the Department of Magical Transport’s Portkey Office commented. “Every time I step into his office he asks me something that I don’t quite hear and he gets mad with some of the answers I give and excuses me for others. Next time I need to be careful that he doesn’t try to kill me if I answer his riddle wrong.�

A poll of random Ministry employees showed feelings on how safe they felt upon being told their boss is part-Sphinx. Forty-seven percent said they felt as safe as normal, ten percent said they now worried for their safety, twenty-four percent refused to comment, and the remaining nineteen percent called this reporter either insane, ridiculous, or stark raving mad. These results are troubling as Sphinxes can be vicious creatures should someone falsely answer their riddle, which makes Mr. Freeley’s tale even more incredible.

While uncovering this story, many witches and wizards wished to know how and why Minister Scrimgeour has been allowed to work in the Ministry, let alone become a Head Auror and then Minister of Magic. An employee from the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures granted me with answers.

“Albus Dumbledore naturally knew about his condition while he was at school and the information was passed on here when he started Auror training,� Sphinx expert Eileen Dover revealed. “We were required to keep it quiet for so much time before the information could be freely given. It expired a year ago and Scrimgeour hasn’t made any orders to conceal it further.�

A fellow Sphinx expert and Miss Dover’s colleague also offered to shed even more light on this topic.

“Oh yes, it’s quite simple to spot signs of a half-Sphinx masquerading as a full-blooded wizard,� Anne Fellout said. “For one, their hair grows at such an alarming rate that they must shave their faces and trim their hair almost daily. Secondly, a half-Sphinx’s eyesight is rather poor in a human form so they have a need for glasses. A third sign is a great liking for rare or medium-rare meat. Anyone who is familiar with Minister Scrimgeour knows about his hair like a Sphinx’s mane and his weak eyesight. Those closer to him such as myself knows that he enjoys his steak medium-rare.

While Minister Scrimgeour refused to comment, only strengthening our undeniable evidence that he is indeed part-Sphinx, we were able to get a word with the Junior Assistant to the Minister, Percy Ignatius Weasley.

“The Minister is not in any way, shape, or form a Sphinx or related to one,� he remarked. “Where do you get off making up fairy tales like that anyway?�

Upon further questioning, Mr. Weasley became rather irate and threatened to call security. His rudeness suggests that he is hiding something. That something is believed to be Rufus Scrimgeour’s dark and dangerous secret of his true descent.

~Junior Reporter, Ima Pepper

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The Boy Who Lived Again and Again and Again
Gmariam
Rating and Warnings: 1st-2nd years; Utter ridiculousness

As the wizarding world celebrates the recent downfall of You-Know-Who, the Quibbler felt it was our duty to look more closely into the strange rumors swirling around his shocking demise. Just how did The Boy Who Lived become The Boy Who Saved the World One More Time?

Harry Potter disappeared last year among whisperings that following the death of Albus Dumbledore, Hogwarts Headmaster, he had finally cracked and left the school in order to join a Muggle circus. The Quibbler has learned that while Mr. Potter may have indeed joined such an organization, those we interviewed stated he rarely graced the crowd with his performance of broomstick trapeze. It is more likely that he sought the cover of the big top in order to move freely about the country as he began to plot his plan for destroying You-Know-Who. He apparently developed a fondness for hot pretzels as well.

Our investigation next led us to Gringotts, where it was whispered that Mr. Potter began his final battle against the darkness last summer. It has long been suspected that dragons guarded the deepest caverns of our most beloved institution. This can now be confirmed, for we obtained a top-secret memo from the Department for the Care of Magical Creatures in which one was stated as missing from the esteemed wizarding institution. This same animal was then reported in no less than six Muggle newspapers by various eyewitnesses who spotted it racing across the countryside.

We can now exclusively report that it was indeed Harry Potter who broke into Gringotts and kidnapped this same dragon, riding it to his final confrontation with the Dark Lord up north. We also suspect that he is responsible for the loss of several ancient artifacts, including a rare goblet and a first edition printing of the Muggle novel David Copperfield.

Upon condition of anonymity, a source at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry confirmed our theory: "Yer right abou' the dragon. He was a right smart Norwegian Ridgeback from Romania on loan t' the bank fer extra security." How this source was able to confirm such information in still under investigation.

It is believed that Harry Potter rode the dragon – long believed to be a creature not capable of domestic training - to the village of Godric's Hollow with his friends Ronald B. Weasley and Hermione J. Granger. Given the pages that littered the field at the end of the day, it is suspected that Mr. Potter threw the book at the Dark Lord before he was able to finally destroy him. Why this particular novel was important in the downfall of You-Know-Who remains unknown, as does the significance or whereabouts of the ancient cup.

Witness reports detail a terrible green light at the final moment of the Dark Lord's death. Having further interviewed said witnesses, the Quibbler has learned that this light was not the result of the Avada Kedavra curse, as was previously suspected and reported by the Daily Prophet. Eyewitness accounts report that the green light instead was shot from the eyes of Harry Potter, piercing the Dark Lord in the chest in the shape of a heart. Having been stunned by the heavy book tossed at him earlier, he was unable to repel the green bolts shot from the eyes of Mr. Potter, and finally exploded into nothingness. It was further reported that he cried "Bella!" to the dark night just before he died. A large amount of confetti was found at the scene of the explosion.

Harry Potter remains at St. Mungo's, unable to see, and asking only for hot pretzels. Doctors hope to restore his sight as soon as they understand the cause of his infirmity; they believe their copy of David Copperfield may aid them in this, but have not discovered just how as they don't know why it was important in the first place. The Quibbler continues to look into the issue. Meanwhile, Ronald Weasley and Hermione Granger remain unconscious at his side, though both show signs of life if you hum Muggle show tunes.

The missing dragon was finally found at Hogwarts, juggling a pair of Slytherins who have since been expelled for attempting to use Polyjuice Potion to usurp the identities of Harry Potter and Ronald Weasley.

The Quibbler will endeavor to answer all remaining questions about the triumphant victory Harry Potter won for our way of life. We shall begin our investigation at the circus, where we will share a hot pretzel in honor of the wizarding world’s victorious, though ever mysterious, hero, The Boy Who Lived Again.

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The Ravenclaw Quibbler, Volume V