AN: Yeah, the title has no strong connection to this fic, but it was the line that the idea stemmed from. And also, it’s just, classic. Remember that any events or characters you recognise belong to JK Rowling, and I am not (technically) her!


“It Unscrews The Other Way”

Janey Weasley had been at Hogwarts all of two days before she was sucked in to the mystery. Not even the older students knew, although many insisted they did. But Janey �“ named after her mother’s middle name �“ had always been able to read people well, right from being very young, and they didn’t know.

Students would slow down when they passed it. They would peer, and whisper the latest rumour.

“Helga Hufflepuff put it there to remind the students that nature was never far away.”

“Don’t be stupid, all they’d have had to do was look out of the window. No, what really happened, is that an old headmaster lost his marbles, and went around cursing everything, but he was stopped, and they left it as a reminder that madness would always be stopped.”

“That’s as crazy as the headmaster, it’s not reminding anyone of anything, or there’d be a plaque, wouldn’t there? It was made when Tom Riddle came and laid a trap for Dumbledore when he was still here!”

"Was not! It was made when the old Prime Minister Fudge came and had a seizure when Cho Chang �“ you know, the fashion designer? �“ told him Harry Potter was telling the truth, that Tom Riddle was back. And Fudge yelled this really weird spell and a swamp appeared in the corridor! And we keep because, like, Fudge having a seizure was apparently the funniest thing to happen to this school, ever!"

“Well that’s not what I heard. I heard that it was one Christmas in December, and there was a House Elf Revolution, and �“”

“ �“ it was the great Mermaid rebellion of 1791, and �“”

“�“ the trolls used the last bit of magic they had and �“”

“�“ then there was this huge explosion, and all that was left was a tiny corner of �“”

“�“ and the Bloody Baron was chasing them, squid in hand, when �“”

“�“ no one knew what was going on, but there was this one fish, see, and it �“”

It had become custom to ask a teacher about it every time you passed one if you were in the vicinity, but all you would ever get was a glazing over of eyes, and reminiscent smiles from the older teachers, and to be told to get on your way by the more recent ones.

At the time, Janey was desperate to have some kind of influence at Hogwarts. She had gained the respect of her closest peers �“ or rather, the girl in the bed next to hers, and that was the extent of it �“ but wanted more. She wanted some kind of credit to the name “Janey Weasley” �“ and “there’s that kid with the hair” didn’t count.

It wouldn’t be too hard once she’d had a kick start. She didn’t mind that she had inherited flaming red hair from her father, and bushy hair from her mother, or the smattering of freckles on her face, or the ever so slight dumpiness from her Grandmother Weasley. Because she had also inherited her mother’s intelligence; her father’s heart and much of the Weasley family’s mischievousness. And she had more connections than most First Years. Harry Potter, famous for just about everything; Fred and George Weasley, founders of Weasley’s Wizarding Wheezes, the near world famous chain of joke shops; an uncle in banking; another uncle high up in the ministry. And she was one of the Weasley family, which was becoming much more widely respected these days. And she knew a lot more about the downfall of Tom Riddle than many kids her age �“ after all, her parents and relatives all played a great hand in it.

But she needed a kick start, to be truly recognised as someone worth �“ well, recognising.

And one day, as she was listening to the ever absurd rumours about Gregory the Smarmy’s corridor, it hit her. All she needed was to find out the true origins of the little bit of swamp in the corner, that occupied so many people’s minds.

And with all her connections, finding out should be easy. First chance she got, she hurried to the Owlery, and wrote a letter to her father, asking for any details he could provide, on this great mystery.

The reply came a few days later.

Dear Janey,

Excuse the handwriting. I know you’re used to your mother’s neat script, but for this particular letter, my own untidy scrawl is required. Oh, and before I forget, your dearest mother wants me to tell you to remember her warning about trouble making, that your teachers won’t be as forgiving as she or I was. As much as I hate to contradict her wise words, almost every single uncle you have (and I) are firm believers in enjoying your time at Hogwarts as thoroughly as possible. So if you want to drop the occasional dung bomb, I promise to only pretend to be disappointed.

Now, to business. The origins of that swamp ... you will be pleasantly surprised to know that the truth is all to do with your own family. More precisely, your Uncles Fred and George. Your mother, Uncle Harry and I were in our fifth year, Aunt Ginny in her fourth, and the gruesome twosome themselves were in the seventh, a little tired of fulltime education ... Especially since, at that time, there was a temporary “Headmistress”, who I doubt even made it into the latest edition of Hogwarts: A History. Anyway, no book could capture the essence of just what an evil toad she really was ...

Janey read on, laughing out loud in delight at being possibly the only student in Hogwarts who finally knew the truth ...

But that would not last long. She had everything she needed to get that kick start to recognition. She copied out the passage her father had written, and managed to convince an older student on the Gryffindor house table to perform a copying spell, in exchange for her breakfast �“ excitement and wonder had by then overtaken all hunger.

By the end of the day, she was a hero, the likes of which hadn’t been seen in a First Year since little Harry Potter caught the Snitch in his mouth on his first Quidditch game.

*~*~*

She returned home for Christmas, once again feeling a little disappointed. Her legacy had lasted all of a week, before the student body of Hogwarts moved along. She now had the respect of much of Gryffindor, but was still striving for something more �“ her ambition to be liked seemed to have no limit, although she would not change herself for it. When one of the girls suggested she should try and tame her appearance, she was horrified. If she was going to get fame, she would do it by staying true to herself.

She was met at the Station by her parents. Hermione’s hair was pulled back smartly, and she smiled at the sight of her eldest child (for they had a nine year old son, too). Ron too, looked pleased to see her. And David, her brother, was grinning up at her, his hands and knees covered in dirt as always.

They returned to their small home not far from the Burrow, to store Janey’s heavy trunk, but quickly went back to Ron’s childhood home �“ although several new rooms had been added since then as the family grew and grew.

Molly Weasley let them in, smothering Janey in hugs so that she was almost suffocating. Save for a few age lines, Molly had not changed much over the years; she could be just as overprotective, and just as fierce.

It was not long before Janey was reined into helping prepare dinner for the whole family later that night, and David was sent outside to get rid of the gnomes. Oddly enough, he too seemed to think them cute, and was offended when they would not return his polite conversation, so Ron often had to go outside and urge him to hurry up.

Soon, the whole family began to arrive.

After Ron, Hermione, Janey and David, there was Bill, Fleur and the twin girls, both fourteen and patronisingly beautiful in comparison to Janey. Charlie, his wife Maia, and their three young boys were all full of life and excitement. Percy had married a timid but nice woman, Lois, who seemed to keep him in check, and they had a young girl who was only two. Harry and Ginny were married, with a boy Janey’s age, and a girl only a year younger. And then there was Molly and Arthur, the proud heads of the family. Oh, and of course, Fred and George, who were not tied down by their own familys, preferring to be the ‘cool uncles’ with no actual responsibilities. All in all, this came to twenty-four people �“ fourteen adults, five boys and five girls. It was quite a gathering.

Fred and George were the last to arrive, and they did so very dramatically. As most were in the garden, they were able to sneak over undetected, and make a loud banging noise from the end of their wands, which also emitted multi-coloured smoke.

“We have arrived!” George called through the smog.

“We are, indeed, here at last!” Fred called.

“Do not fear that we are lost�“”

“�“Or delayed�“”

“�“Or in any way, not here.”

“Because, we can assure you�“”

“�“That we are here to save the day!” they finished, dramatically. Most of the smoke cleared by that point. Janey grinned widely, excited to see her two favourite uncles.

“More’s the pity,” Molly muttered to herself. The twins feigned offence at this.

When dinner was eventually served, Janey managed to worm her way in between them both.

“And how is our favourite niece?” asked Fred, reaching for the potatoes.

“Ssssh, Fred, you don’t want to offend anyone!” George hissed, loudly.

“I’m great. But I was going to ask you guys’ advice ...”

“Advice!” Fred yelped. “Not about anything serious, I hope!”

“Oh no,” Janey assured them, and proceeded to tell them about how much she wanted to be known and liked �“ something they, if no one else, understood.

“Well, there’s an easy way to do such a thing. George and I did it.”

“Don’t listen to Fred, there’s a much easier way. The one Fred and I used.”

“He’s crazy. Use mine and George’s way.”

“No, don’t. Mine and Fred’s way will work far better.”

Janey giggled, and Harry raised an eyebrow at them from opposite, having only heard the last few lines of the conversation.

“Look, it’s quite simple. Be a relentless trouble maker. You have all the ingredients, you just need the teaching. That is something that we can provide during this sojourn from our ordinary lives. It will do everybody good, save for those on the receiving end. I’m sure your parents won’t know if you come and help us in Diagon Alley for a day or ten.”

“Don’t you mean they won’t mind?” Janey asked.

George looked shifty, while Fred assured her that that was, indeed, what they had meant.

And so, Janey found herself going to Diagon Alley with her uncles, and entering their shop of wonders. The first thing that caught her eye was a poster in the window.

WEASLEY’S WIZARDING WHEEZES CORDIALLY INVITES YOU TO EXPLORE AND BUY!
All your havoc wreaking needs supplied right here!
New:
Instant Blizzard Powder �“ when global warming gets you down
Speech Control Mince Pies �“ control what your enemy proclaims to the world
Everlasting Santa Beards �“ surprise your friend as their facial hair doesn’t stop growing until YOU say so!
And many more seasonal jokes inside!
All products must be used in good spirit, and not to physically harm another.

She would have stayed around to read the other posters, but Fred and George had already unlocked, and gone inside, so she hurried after them.

The shop was dark and still, but when Fred snapped his fingers, not only the lights, but all the displays came to life too. Janey’s mouth dropped as she stared around.

“Where do I start?” she breathed.

“Ah, eagerness is so sweet,” George said, smiling. “Go and help your Uncle Fred in the lab-or-a-tor-y!” He pronounced the final word oddly, and it made her giggle.

Fred showed her the latest project �“ a whole traditional Christmas dinner spread that danced and sang to a variety of well loved yuletide songs �“ while George busied himself inside the main shop. She felt a surge of pride when Fred said he liked her idea of making the brussel sprouts shoot into the air and scatter themselves as a finale, and he began to try and show her how to develop such ideas. But there was something else she had to do before she could gain their full respect �“ she would have to prank them.

It was a lot to ask of an eleven year old, but she knew she had to do it. But until the opportunity arose, she had to content herself with helping customers, and listening to their occasional hints. It wasn’t until lunchtime that she saw an opening. The twins asked her to get them something �“ “just anything warm” �“ to eat. She found some soup for sale, but before she got some, she slipped inside the Potion’s shop.

“What would I need to make someone’s hair go blue?” she asked. He grinned, toothily.

“You brother annoying you or something?” he asked. She smiled, but said nothing. The man began taking things from shelves, climbing a small step ladder to reach the top ones �“ he was not much taller than Janey herself �“ and eventually, he came down with several ingredients. “Just grind these all together, and make him consume it somehow. It’s temporary, and the more you add, the brighter shade you’ll get.”

“You couldn’t ... you couldn’t grind it for me, could you? I’ll pay a little extra?” After all, it wasn’t her money. The man obliged, and stored the powder in a small glass container, not much bigger than her two thumbs alongside each other.

She asked the soup seller for three cups, two tomato, and one chicken. She added the powder equally to the two tomato flavours, using it all up for the best effect. And then she strolled easily back into the shop.

“Perfect,” George said, taking his share, and sipping it. Janey turned away and busied herself with tidying shelves as she drank her own soup.

Five minutes later, a hand rested on her shoulder. She turned, to see both her uncles grinning down at her inanely.

“You just earned yourself the right to be taught the secrets of our success,” Fred told her, his shockingly bright blue hair distracting her a little.

“I agree,” George said, his own hair matching. “And you might get a handy map to go with it.”

*~*~*

Janey sat on the train, thinking through her plan for the return feast. She remembered a conversation she had had with Fred and George, after they had proudly presented her with a map.

“You see, everyone who ever made it in the Hogwarts trouble maker business had something going for them, that made them different. We were twins. These four-” Fred pointed to the map “-were a group of four, so Lupin told us. Also, they could turn into animals at will. Now, no one is expecting you to do anything like become an Animagus. That’s a little extravagant. And you don’t have a twin ... or anyone who could be a sufficient partner in crime, I assume?”

She shook her head in confirmation.

George took up the pep talk. “You know, what makes you different, could be just that �“ you don’t have a partner in crime. You’re on your own, but you still manage to pull off this incredible stuff. But don’t hurt people, remember,” he added solemnly, and Fred nodded.

“Yes, always do everything in good fun. Unless, of course, the school is in the same situation ours was, with Umbridge. In which case, just cause as much havoc as possible. But hopefully things won’t get that far again ...”

Now, Janey smiled. She would be the first female prankster, the first lone prankster. It would be glorious. And her appearance would only mean that she was easier to recognise, so that was a good thing after all.

She smiled.

*~*~*

Professor McGonagall was at the head of the table, watching in shock as the Welcome Feast fell into turmoil. She stood, staring around.

“SILENCE!” she screeched at the top her voice. A few people paid attention, but not many. She scanned for the culprit. A flash of bushy red hair caught her eye. Surely not little Janey Weasley...?

Her mind cast back to a scene very similar to this. The “Marauders” were in their First Year, too, and had subsequently caused the Ceiling to send buckets of water down on the entire Great Hall, and they had then danced around with umbrellas, singing at the top of their voices, while everybody else tried to escape, or dive for cover. Dumbledore had sat there contentedly, smiling to himself, while all the other teachers had been blue in the face from shouting so much.

And then there had been Fred and George Weasley. They had never gone for quite such mass destruction, but everyone knew their names, and in their First Year, they too had caused the Great Hall to fall into disarray, by unleashing a horde of rabbits in the middle of a feast.

And now, Janey Weasley �“ their niece, she realised, and grew immediately suspicious �“ had single-handedly caused just as much chaos.

She sighed. Another long seven years was in store. If a mere First Year could cause this much mass panic, then they would probably stick around. It was the First Years you had to watch, because they had so much time to improve.

Somewhere deep inside her, she wanted to smile. Things like this were often so much more interesting, no matter how responsible she seemed to be. But she could not let anyone know that, and proceeded to try in vain restore normality.

*~*~*

Two days later, Hermione stormed into Weasley’s Wizarding Wheezes, a letter in her hand, and her eyes blazing.

“Uh oh,” George muttered.

“It must have gone well,” Fred said, proudly.

They smiled dolefully as she began demanding to know exactly what had gone on over the Christmas holidays, pride filling their insides.

The next Legend of Hogwarts had just been born. They only wished they could be there to see it all unfold.

*~*~*

AN: You aren’t supposed to know what Janey did, by the way �“ I’ll leave it to your imagination! You know, this started out as a dumb idea, but eventually �“ once I realised how much people seemed to like it �“ I wrote a sequel. And then another one. And another. And then one more. So now this is only the first fic in what is more like a Janey Weasley SERIES ... you can find them all in the humour section, or by going onto my Author Bio, whichever you like. Don’t forget to review, though ... =D