A handsome young man that most people know by the name of Harry Potter was sitting down in the Gryffindor Common Room one day. He was writing a letter to his dear author J.K. Rowling. He had a few complaints that he wanted to share with her. After he finished writing that he planned to also write to the authors and moderators of Muggle Net Fan Fiction about the various fan fictions that had been causing him much grief. So far his letter said this:


Dear J.K. Rowling,

I, your favorite character— or so it would appear since your books are named after me, Harry Potter, have a few complaints about the books. Such as…


That was as far as our dear friend had gotten so far until…

“Hey, Harry, who are you writing to?� his best friend Ron Weasley asked, as he walked into the common room.

“Ron, don’t you read the script anymore? According to this fan fiction author, I’m writing to Jo… But she insists on me calling her J.K. Rowling. I mean, isn’t she our creator? Why should we be so fancy?� Harry went on like this for a little while until Ron interrupted.

“So we get to write about our complaints? This is awesome, Harry! Come on, mate!� Ron turned around and grabbed everyone’s attention, “Oy, you guys, we lucked out! In this one we’re writing complaints to Jo and the MuggleNet Fan Fiction staff! Come over here if you have any!�

Immediately a whole crowd of people rushed over to give their complaints.

“Why do I always change my gender?�

“Why am I screwing so many different people?�

“Why am I dead?� At this the hall quieted.

“Who said that?� Hermione asked quietly.

“Me, of course. I mean it totally ruins the plot that I’m dead. All it does is give Harry Kreacher, and why would he want Kreacher?� Sirius said in an exasperated tone.

“How come you aren’t dead here?� Harry asked wonderingly.

“Because,� Hermione (who knew everything about fan fictions) explained, “the author Isabelle, she decided that all of the dead people could just come back in for this story.�

“Oh,� came from just about everyone in the common room.

“Why are we writing to Jo though? I mean, she follows our characters amazingly, obviously—she’s a novel writing genius. It’s those stupid fan fiction writers who mess us up! Seriously, I think I might die if I have to go through another Snape and me shipper’s fic, really.� That wise little speech came from Lily Evans/ Snape/ Potter/ Lupin. It depended on the FFA (Fan Fiction Author).



“You have a point there, Lily. I think we might change the plot by the time the reader of this fan fiction reads the next line,� the wise and powerful FFA Isabelle spoke.

And just like that the plot was changed, and the characters were throwing the letter to Jo in the fire and writing to the MNFFS (or Muggle Net Fan Fiction Staff. It’s the same thing really). The new letter read:

Dear MuggleNet Fan Fiction Staff, Authors, and Readers (but not really the readers),

We, the characters of all of your fan fictions and beloved books, have a few complaints that need to be voiced. The present list gives the gist of the problems we have on how you choose to write your stories:

1) The general shipping of odd couples. Lily and Snape, Hermione and Snape, Draco and Hermione, Harry and Draco, Harry and Voldemort, and even if you are a Harry and Hermione shipper, please, just stop it.

2) What gender we are—it really isn’t that hard to remember and we are almost positive it was made explicitly clear in the novels that: Harry is a boy, Hermione is a girl, Ron is a boy, all of the marauders are boys, etcetera, etcetera. This is not a difficult concept.

3) Our appearances. Most people are fine but let’s take Lily and Remus as examples. Lily has auburn hair and it has been described that way but also fire red and strawberry blond. And her height is usually compared to be a foot shorter than James when she really is only a few inches shorter. And Remus, for Pete’s sake, has brown hair, not golden blond or black locks. People seriously, not Sirius Lee (his real middle name folks), give it a rest.

4) Making our stories into some sort of soap opera with half sibling, and exchanged at birth moments, and even more ridiculous things. This has to stop.


At this point they stopped writing to discuss other complaints.

“Why do people always have me yelling on CAPS LOCK? IT’S LIKE THEY PUT IN ON AND THEY NEVER TURN IT OFF. THEN THEY TRY TO DISGUE IT AS TEENAGE HORMONES, TEENAGE HORMONES!� Harry yelled in dramatic, angst-y, teenage frustration.

“Sorry about that, Harry. I got stuck on caps lock again, but it’s all good now,� the great FFA (a.k.a., Isabelle) reassured him.

“SORRY? That’s what I get from all the FFA people. They think they’re so great. Well…� Harry trailed off because Isabelle couldn’t come up with a great end to his sentence so…

“You people are always talking about not being in a permanent relationship, but look at me. I went out with Lily once, and I’ve been stuck to her ever since! I have a stable relationship, and trust me, it sucks,� James said loudly. Many of the characters were confused, as none of them had been complaining about not having a serious boyfriend or girlfriend, but before they could say anything another voice chimed in.

“Oh, you think you have it bad? I have no relationship. No, I’m a cold and heartless person who deserves no one, and when it is one of the few fan fictions where I get to have a love life, it’s with my archenemy or a Mudblood!� a snake like voice raged.

“Is that Voldemort again? How’d you get in here? Oh, well, yeah! The ones where I have to be with Voldemort suck, and I’m sure everyone agrees,� Harry said.

“No, the worst was that one fan fiction that had me in the Room of Requirement in a bed with Potter,� Malfoy, who had appeared out of nowhere, said.

“That one is definitely on my top ten worst fan fictions I’ve been in,� Harry shutted, trying not to think about it.

“So do we have a few more?� Ginny asked.

“Wait. I hate those fan fictions where I get tied down to one random girl who is characterized as “other character�. Come on, I’m Sirius Lee Black,� Seriously Black stated proudly.

So they added a few more to the list:

5) Voldemort never has a love life. He would really like one that doesn’t include Mudbloods or archenemies. Same goes for Malfoy.

6) There seem to be a lot of indentity crises’ in fan fiction, we aren’t quite sure what that is about but we respectfully ask you to get a new plot point.

7) Sirius and James are always with the same sort of people. James is often described as a player, but is he ever seen with somebody outside of Lily? No. Also, Sirius is always, always with the “other character� girl. Make him hook up with one of the established characters from the order or something.

8) Stop Harry’s hormones or try and not let your caps lock get stuck and pass it off as teenage hormones. A useful way to do this is to use the shift key instead.


“That sounds good. What do you guys think?� Remus said after reading it out loud.

“That’s cool, let’s just end it and send it,� Ron said.

So they did that:


Your respectful, loving, compliant, but somewhat annoyed characters,

Harry, Ron, Hermione, Malfoy, Voldemort, Ginny, Lily, Remus, Sirius, James, and everyone else in the novels.

Hermione tied it on to a random owls’ leg, and sent it off.
“Thank goodness that’s sent. Maybe we can be in some respectable fan fictions now!� Ginny said, looking around. A loud cheer erupted from the crowed. That night a celebration was held in the common room. Never again would the characters be subjected to the horrible torture of bad fan fiction, not on this site.


A FEW WEEKS LATER:

Ron and Voldemort were sitting in chairs opposite from each other, looking at a muggle’s computer screen.

“The letter must not have reached them,� Ron said despairingly, running his hand through his bright red hair. Voldemort looked at it with a queezy stomach.

“Yeah, I thought we cleared the whole thing up,� Voldemort said, also with a depressed tone. Ron looked into his snake-like eyes. How would this ever seem to be a good idea?

“I mean, why on earth would we be together?� Ron asked.

“I have no idea,� Voldemort responded.



THE END